how do they see/hear/feel that you care?

How do theysee/hear/feel

that you care?Eric M. Larson

University of St. ThomasSlides: emlarson.com/gusday

What you’re in for…

• This is not an exhaustive review of organizational psychology literature

• Instead, this is a super-simple framework to help explain why people react so differently to the same “good things”

Why this topic?

• We’re all in some sort of “customer service” position.

• We probably really, truly care about our “customers”.– It’s personally frustrating when we do

something nice and they don’t appreciate it.– It’s bad “customer service” to have your

customers think you don’t care about them.

Introducing “Love Languages”• We’re sticking with

the “love” word because that’s what the book uses.

• If it drives you crazy, substitute “caring” or “appreciation” for “love”.

What changed since 2008?

Well, I loaned out my book……and I didn’t get it back.

So, I went shopping…

And then I noticedsomethinginterestingin my new copy.

Do you spot it?

What are the “Love Languages”?

• Words of Affirmation• Quality Time• Receiving Gifts• Acts of Service• Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

• It’s always safe to “affirm” someone.• Be sincere! (We can tell when you’re not!)

• Be engaged and relevant!– “Hey… ummm… that one thing… whatever it

was… that was probably really important, right? Well, then… great job!”

– “I really appreciate that you went out of your way to restore both partitions onto the new drive before his class period ended!”

Quality Time

• This isn’t just “standing in the same room”– This is personal, connected, one-on-one time.

• Measure this with cues from the person you’re meeting with.– Are they meeting with you just to get

something accomplished?– Or are they meeting to bond, connect, “chat”?

• Some people love gifts.• Some people don’t care.

Receiving Gifts

Receiving Gifts• Gifts are nice… …and most people wouldn’t be offended by receiving a gift…• …but if you think that gifts are sufficient

and you’re not dealing with a “gifts” person, you have a problem.

Receiving Gifts• Sometimes, a “gift” is a simple thing…

Acts of Service

• Who doesn’t like having things done for them? Well…

• What about bosses who “micro-manage”?• What about faculty who don’t want you to

just “do it”, but want you to sit down and show them and walk them through the process and appreciate when they’ve managed to do it all by themselves?

• You can be friendly with someone……or too friendly with someone……or too friendly with something.

Physical Touch

Physical Touch

• Granted, this could be dangerous in a work environment.

• But don’t ignore cultural conventions; handshakes are important!

• “When I came here, I was happy that my new boss didn’t punch me in the arm every time he walked by.”

~A server admin; she didn’t like being punched!

Physical Touch

• In customer service, showing you care through “physical touch” isn’t just about touching the customer;

• It’s also about showing consideration for what the customer touches– Personal space– Physical environment

Tip of the day…• (Assuming that they care about someone,)

People tend to follow the Golden Rule:“Do unto others

as you would have themdo unto you.”

• Put another way, people treat others the way that they like to be treated.

• Unsure how to treat someone? Watch and see how they treat you (or how they treat those they care about).

“The CTRL-A Approach”(a.k.a “The Command-A Approach”)

• Q: What if you don’t know what someone’s “love language” is?

• A: Be cold and analytical, step back, assess a client’s “language”, and then respond accordingly when you’re positive you understand it fully?

• A: Try them all!• (Once you find something that works really

well for an individual, you can “trim down”.)

Case Study: A visiting speaker…

• Drive him from the hotel to campus• Greet him with warm handshakes• Give him a token gift bag• Talk during lunch with fellow faculty• Thank him profusely

Acts of Service .Physical Touch .Receiving Gifts .Quality Time .Words of Affirmation

Case Study: Blood Donation…

• Offer to get magazines• Explain you’re not being “beat up”• T-shirt for going through procedure• Chat during donation and at “canteen”• Thank him profusely

Acts of Service .Physical Touch .Receiving Gifts .Quality Time .Words of Affirmation

Case Study: Computer Replacement…

• Move all the client’s files for him/her

• Minimize changing the environment

• Gift-card for cup of coffee

• Reassurance of follow-up visit

• Acknowledge the inconvenience

Acts of Service .Physical Touch .Receiving Gifts .Quality Time .Words of Affirmation

Does everyone have just one language?

• Nope; some people are multi-lingual• Particularly meaningful or unusual

experiences might cross over to a different language…– Hugging EDUCOM speaker; I don’t hug!– Receiving footage of a POW/MIA vigil

• All that having been said… most people have a “primary language”.

Disconnects

• A faculty member really appreciates a student’s interest in the course, so he spends extra time critiquing her paper and making little tweaks to sub-points that he wouldn’t bother explaining to other students.

• Her language is “Words of Affirmation”.• What will happen?

Disconnects

• Your boss pops her head in your office and says, “I’m heading out for the day, but you probably worked hard to write that application; here’s a $25 gift-card as a thank-you from the Management Team.”

• Your language is “Quality Time”.• What will happen?

Scenario

• A faculty member asks you to come by her office and help her to set up a Discussion Board. What language is she speaking?

• Quality Time… or Acts of Service– (How do you tell the difference? It depends

on the interaction when you’re there.)

Scenario

• A faculty member calls you in your office to tell you that she got her Discussion Board set up and really appreciated your help. What language is she speaking?

• Words of Affirmation…– or Quality Time?

Scenario

• A presenter at your training session provides a USB thumb-drive loaded with materials that were discussed. (No, you’re not getting one.)

• OR, in 2014, a presenter at your training session provides Google Glass headgear loaded with materials that were discussed. (No, you’re not getting that, either.)

• Receiving Gifts… and Acts of Service

Scenario

• A faculty member grabs you in the hallway and asks you to come by his office and critique his podcast. He’s looking for…?

• Quality Time...– and Physical Touch, if he’s literally grabbing.

Show of Hands!

• We won’t share it yet, but… Who here has a good work-related story or experience or example of…– Words of Affirmation?– Quality Time?– Receiving Gifts?– Acts of Service?– Physical Touch?

Acts ofService

PhysicalTouch

QualityTime

Words ofAffirmation

ReceivingGifts

Get into groups:

Group Work• Get into groups!• Introduce yourselves, including what you

think your own “love language” might be• Appoint/volunteer a group spokesperson• “Deliverable”: Each group will share an

experience that illustrates someone speaking a “love language” at work– Question: Is this your native language, or did

you have to “translate” to understand it?

Acts ofService

PhysicalTouch

QualityTime

Words ofAffirmation

ReceivingGifts

Group Reports