helping children and families deal with grief and loss

Helping Children and Families Deal with Grief and Loss

Bob BrinkerParent and Community Education Specialist

Expectations and Questions

Group RulesShare your wisdomAsk questionsTake care of yourselfCheatHave funAgree to disagreeHonor people’s storiesWhat we talk about stays here

Rules for Grief ProgramEach loss is uniqueWe don’t compare losses and painWe do not need fixedWe listen to one and another’s

stories with dignity and respect

Three Commitments1. Total Honesty (telling your

emotional truth)2. Absolute Confidentiality3. Uniqueness and Individuality

•Hearts have been broken•Experienced great pain•Many losses have been overlooked•Each loss is unique: “I don’t know how you feel.”

Hearing Our Stories

Grief“conflicting feelings caused by a

change or an end to a familiar pattern if behavior”

Losses Loss of petDeath of a

grandparentMovingLoss of economic

securityFinishing/beginning

school

Health issuesDivorce/separationLoss of self-esteemRemoval from homeAbuse/neglect issuesIncarceration

Intangible Losses1.Loss of safety2.Loss of control3.Loss of self-esteem

Recovering from grief is a series of small and correct

action steps

Caregiver Function for Grieving Children

1. Provide honest and open relationships with children

2. Provide a safe and secure place where children can mourn

3. Be role models of healthy mourning

Stupid ThingsWe say toGrievers

Loss Euphemisms Regarding DeathWent to sleepGone awayMeet his makerPushing up daisiesExpiredBought the farm

Dead as a door nailAnswered the callingJesus needed himEternal restWent to be with

those who went before them

6 Myths of Grieving1. Don’t feel bad2. Replace the loss3. Grieve alone4. Be strong5. Keep busy6. Time heals all wounds

These six myths take us away from the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual process of grieving.

Incomplete grief is undelivered emotional communications which might include•Apologies•Forgiveness•Undelivered emotional communication

ShortTermEnergyRelievingBehaviors‘S

STERB’sFoodDrugsSexAnger Acting out

FantasyIsolationExerciseWorkaholism

Shopping

The Problems with STERB’s1. They appear to work2. They are short-term3. They do not remove the cork

jamming the tea kettle

“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating

directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions which

attach to any relationship that changes.”

When children and adults complete the process of grieving they

Deal with both the negative and positive aspects of the relationship

Hold on to sadness but end the painRemember the loved one the way he or she

knew them in lifeExpress what needs to be said so it is no

longer trapped insideSay goodbye to the physical relationship

while holding on to the emotional and spiritual relationship

“Grief Recovery is rediscovering what it is

that is your nature to be so that you need not be in

conflict with it anymore.”

Bob BrinkerParent and Community

Education Specialistbrinkerb@fswp.org