helping children deal with tragedy-1

8/11/2019 Helping Children Deal With Tragedy-1

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HELPINGCHILDREN

DEAL W ITH

TRAGEDY

Compiled By:

Canopy Roads Baptist Church


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ContentsPARENTING IN THE MIDST OF TRAGEDY ................................................... 4

HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH TRAGEDY ................................................ 8

FIVE THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN COMMUNICATING TO YOUR CHILDDURING A CRISIS ..................................................................................... 12

GREIF RESPONSE & AGE LEVEL NEEDS ................................................... 14

Greif Response .................................................................................... 14

Age Level Needs .................................................................................. 16

What To Do And What Not To Do ....................................................... 17

MOVIE LIST FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN & TIPS ......................................... 19

TIPS FOR VIEWING .............................................................................. 20

Questions ............................................................................................ 21

PERSONAL ASSESSMENTS AFTER A CRISIS ............................................. 25

Physical and Mental Health ................................................................ 25

Roles in Life ......................................................................................... 26

Spirituality ........................................................................................... 26

Citations .................................................................................................. 27


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PARENTING IN THE MIDST OF TRAGEDY

By Focus on the Family i

Bear in mind that a disaster is a disaster. There's no quick and

simple way to recover from the wounds and losses you'vesustained. It's one thing to deal with the normal strains andstresses of life. But the very meaning of the word trauma can besummed up as "too much too quick." So keep your head onstraight and be patient with yourself. It's going to take time,determination, and perseverance to get past the pain and

devastation that seem so paralyzing and all-encompassing at thepresent moment.

This is especially true where children are concerned. You have tobe prepared for ups and downs and emotional setbacks.Meanwhile, there are some things you can do to help your kids

face their immediate situation with courage and confidence:

First, try to keep them in a routine as much as possible.Difficult as it may be under the circumstances, work to create anatmosphere of normalcy, balance, and predictability. For example,

take a walk every afternoon or share a story at bedtime everynight. This will counteract feelings of confusion anddisorientation. Help your children understand that you are therefor them. Make a conscious effort to have fun together wheneveryou can.


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Let your kids know that it's good to be honest about their feelings.Hurts are healed when emotions are aired and pain is squarelyfaced. Model this truth by facing your own pain and dealing with

it in healthy, constructive ways with other adults or caregivers. Accept a child's emotions as they are. Whatever reaction

he may be experiencing is "normal" for him. Validate his feelings.Enter into them with him. Let him know that it's healthy andnormal to feel sad when bad things happen. Be aware thatyounger children may respond by acting out. Teens, on the other

hand, may display a tendency to withdraw. Some teens may alsoact out by becoming involved in self-destructive behavior (i.e.drugs, alcohol, rebellion). Be prepared for every eventuality.

Don't avoid discussing the tragedy, but don't obsess overit either. Don't overwhelm your children with a barrage ofquestions. They may find it easier to express themselves openlywhile sharing an activity with you side-by-side.

Talking is important but if for some reason a child can'ttalk freely with you about the disaster, encourage and enable himto talk to somebody else. Make sure that the somebody else is asafe, familiar person. Sharing feelings verbally is an important part

of the healing process. Give your child opportunities to meetother kids who are going through the same thing. He needs toknow that he's not the only one who is suffering in this way.

Help your kids explore non-verbal ways of processing the

tragedy . This can be done through drawing, painting, games,drama, writing poetry, or keeping a journal.

When tragedy strikes, parental guidance and input are crucial to achild's recovery. Personality, age, and past experiences also play avital role. You know your own children best. Observe theirbehavior and moods carefully. Keep an eye out for any obvious


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signs of distress, insecurity, and confusion. You can help bolstertheir sense of security and counterbalance negative emotions byadopting some of the following strategies:

Children under five probably won't understand the

significance of this event . Sometime around age six, they begin toprocess some of the harsher realities of human life. With yourhelp, they should learn to the deeper meaning of theseexperiences. Make up your mind to "be there" for them when the

time for such a discussion arrives. Be aware that trauma may cause your children to regress .

It can even make them lose trust in you. These are normalreactions, so don't take it personally. Be patient and give themspace. Allow adequate time for healing. The more consistentlytheir needs have been met in the past, the sooner they are likely

to recover. Protect your kids from media overload . Read a book

together instead of watching the evening news. The younger thechild, the more damaging the exposure to graphic images will be.

Tell your children that you love them . If these words are

difficult to say, write them in a note. If you have little ones, spendtime holding them. Allow them to experience the warmth andsecurity of your touch.

Assure your kids that trained people are on the job doingeverything possible to fix the damage and meet the needs of thevictims. Children find comfort in knowing that someone is in

charge. Pray together for the families of the victims, the rescueand medical workers, civic and political leaders, and the militaryas they deal with the fallout of the flood.

The more directly your children have been impacted, the

greater the need for intervention . If after three months or so


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they still seem overwhelmed by the event, think about gettingsome help from a professional counselor. Watch for signs such assleep loss, nightmares, loss of appetite, long-term behavioral

changes, withdrawal, disconnection, or emotional numbing. Focuson the Family's Counseling staff can help you locate a qualifiedChristian therapist practicing in your area.

Create new dreams for the future . No matter how muchpain your family has endured, you can still face tomorrow with ahopeful attitude if you take time to discuss and write down new

goals that you can pursue together.


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HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH TRAGEDY ii

Children need help to deal with tragedy. Sometimes its a globaltragedy like a war or national disaster. Other times its the

personal loss of a loved one or the breaking up of a home. Howshould we respond to these things? Parents have the opportunityand responsibility to teach their children how to think about andreact to these events as well as their inner feelings and theconfusion they may be experiencing.

Notice how, in Deuteronomy 6:6-9, God instructs his people toteach their children through life experiences. Thesecommandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit athome and when you walk along the road, when you lie down andwhen you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind

them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of yourhouses and on your gates .

Day to day life provides opportunities to teach children aboutGod. It is the job of parents to frame the picture of world events,to help children understand life from Gods point of view.

Teachable moments become available in times of crisis. Thatdoesnt mean that you preach or lecture. It means that you askquestions and carefully share information that can guide yourchildren to right thinking.


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So what do you say? How do you respond to their questions? Howdo you draw them out? What kinds of things can you do that willhelp your children during this time?

1. First, be sensitive to your childs emotions . All children aredifferent and will process these events in different ways. Somewill openly cry or make angry threats. Others will act out orbecome more aggressive. Some will become very quiet andwithdrawn. Teens may become glib or sarcastic. Ask God to show

you what emotions your child is experiencing. Below you will findsome indicators which may get you started with fear, anger, andsadness.

2. Validate feelings . Its okay to experience emotions but its notokay to act those emotions out in hurtful ways. By validating achilds feelings you are grieving with those who grieve as the

scripture commands. Be careful about criticizing your childrensemotions. Thoroughly working through difficult experiences in acomplete way will help your children fully deal with the eventsand their emotions and even grow through this experience.

3. Trials provide opportunities to grow . Romans 5:3- 5 says, weknow that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance,character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us,because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the HolySpirit, whom he has given us. The things you say and the way you

teach your children in times of tragedy can help build character

and develop hope. Furthermore, you can help your children growspiritually during tough times and give them the spiritual tools todeal with life as they grow older. Take the time to talk about theevents and talk about Godly responses.


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with them. Some children withdraw while others speak out. Somemay joke about things inappropriately. As you talk to yourchildren take all these things into account. Share with them on

their level, as much information as they need or want. Trying toprotect children from this by not talking about it can producemore fear as they sense something is wrong. Also, be carefulabout overdosing a child with too much information. Yoursensitivity here will provide tremendous opportunities to helpyour children understand and deal with these events properly.

7. Model right thinking with your children . Many parents aremodeling revenge, worry, and panic. The way you respond tothese events may teach more than your words do. Teach yourchildren what it means to trust God in very practical terms. Dontbe afraid to be vulnerable with your kids and talk about how you,

as a family, are experiencing and learning from these tragicevents.

8. Look for proactive ways to be involved in the solution , not justtalk about the problem. Adopt a soldier, take food to those inneed, create a care package for those who are hurting are all

examples of ways to help children help and care for others.

Take time to ask your children how they are doing. Come backseveral hours after a significant conversation and say things like, Iwondered if you had any other thoughts about what we talkedabout earlier. As you work through these things with your

children you are giving them a gift. You are helping themunderstand life and how God works and the important values theydesperately need. You will contribute to your childs future wellbeing and their ability to process other tragedies in helpful ways.


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FIVE THINGS TO REMEMBER WHENCOMMUNICATING TO YOUR CHILD DURING A

CRISIS iii

When national tragedies and instant 24-7 media are combined, itcan rob children of their sense of security and stability. It is almostimpossible for parents shield the world from their children whenthese types of events happen. So parents need to have a planabout how to talk to their children while protecting the securityand stability that could easily be robbed. Here are some ideas

about how to handle a crisis with your children. These are in noway original thoughts with me but they are easily applicabledespite the crisis.

1. Find out what they know about the event This should be common sense but its so important that it bears

saying. A simple question like, What have you heard about or,What are your friends saying about As parents, we need toshield our children from things that they are not ready tocomprehend and we need to encourage them that its okay to askquestions.

2. Reassure their sense of safety and security Hug your child. Tell them how much you love them. Tell them youare going to protect them. Cook them a special meal or order apizza. Give them an opportunity to enjoy things that communicatehow much you as a parent love them.


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3. Listen to what your child is saying and not saying Children love to talk and when your child is talking, listen past the

words and pay attention to the emotion behind their words.Sometimes they dont know how to say what they want to sayand parents need to listen with more than their ears but withtheir heart

4. Share how the crisis makes you feel

Parents are always teaching their kids. One of the most importantthings we can communicate is how to deal with difficultsituations. Keep your communication age appropriate but dont

diminish the importance of teaching your kids how to go throughdifficult times. Spend time praying for those who were affectedand for the person who caused the tragedy

5. Dont feel like you need to explain why things happen

We live in a fallen world. Bad things are always happening and ifmy understanding of scripture is correct, things are not going toget much better. When something bad happens, when tragediesstrike, your presence and love is more important than knowledge

about why things happen.

A final thought is that we need to develop a sense of compassionin our children for people who are going through difficultcircumstance. As you are talking with your children, give them anopportunity to give back to those who have been affected.

Whether you write letters, send cards, draw pictures, or organizesome type of bigger demonstration, give them a chance to showlove to someone else in a way that is relevant to them.


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GREIF RESPONSE & AGE LEVEL NEEDS iv

Greif ResponsePreschool

May have feelings of sadness, anxiety, insecurity, irritability andanger

Tend to believe that death is a temporary state that can bereversed

May equate death with sleeping or being gone on a trip

Magical thinking may occur. Some children will act as if nothing has happened while others

may regress in areas such as toileting or wanting a bottle More verbalization Great concern with process. How? Why? May act as though nothing has happened General distress and confusion

Behaviors that may warrant further attention Decreased verbalization Increased anxiety (clinginess, fear of separation) Regressive behaviors (bedwetting, thumb sucking)

Elementary School

Concept of Death Still wanting to see death as reversible but beginning to see it as

final Death seen as punishment


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Grief Response Specific questions Desire for complete detail What is the right way to respond? Starting to have ability to mourn and understand mourning

Behaviors that may warrant further attention Difficulty concentrating or inattention Somatic complaints (headaches, stomach problems) Sleep disturbances (nightmares, fear of the dark) Repeated telling and acting out of the event Withdrawal Increased irritability, disruptive behavior or aggressive behavior Increase anxiety (clinging, whining) Depression, guilt or anger

Middle & High School

Concept of Death Ability to abstract Beginning to conceptualize death

Grief Response Extreme sadness Denial Regression More often willing to talk to people outside of family and peer

support Risk-taking

Behaviors that may warrant further attention Flashbacks Emotional numbing or depression Nightmares Avoidance or withdrawal Peer relationship problems Substance abuse or other high-risk behavior


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Age Level Needs2-5 Year Olds

Kind and understanding tone of voice and demeanor Encouragement to talk about how s/he feels in whatever

way s/he can express it Permission to play about death and the events

surrounding the experience Open and direct manner that says Im with you and you

are with me. There are no secrets. Sharing of how you feel or felt when a similar thing

happened Reassurance that remaining family members will take care

of the child

5 9 Year Olds

Clear answers in simple terms to the questions that theyask, no matter how improbable their fears seem

An accepting listener to the memories s/he has of thedeceased

Explanations to refute the magical beliefs that feed theirfears

Acceptance of play, artwork, songs, etc. about the eventssurrounding the death

9 - 12 Year Old

To be taken seriously, no matter how shallow his/herconcerns seem


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To be included in family discussions about the changesbrought about by the death

To have his/her ways of grieving accepted

While this age-group may understand death intellectually,they may have great difficulty understanding itemotionally.

Teenagers

To be included in planning & decision making To be informed of what to expect in terms of events,

ceremonies, rituals, etc. To know what to expect from various relatives To know what is expected of them To witness adults grieving so they can learn adult ways to

grieve To be encouraged to talk about what they think and feel

and have their thoughts and feelings respected

What To Do And What Not To DoTo Do

Find a way to help children symbolize and represent thedeath

Pay attention to the way a child plays; this is one of themain ways that children communicate

Say that you are sorry about the loss

Sit next to a child that wants closeness

Not To do


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MOVIE LIST FOR GRIEVING CHILDREN & TIPS v

Here is a sample list of movies in which the theme of loss iscentral and resonant for discussion:

Early Childhood (ages 4-7) Finding Nemo -- A widowed clownfish chases his son halfwayaround the world.Land Before Time -- Orphan dinosaurs travel the ruins of their lostworld.The Lion King -- Following the death of his father, Simba, the cubwho will be king, goes into exile.Up -- A grieving widow and young boy become reluctantadventurers together.

Middle Childhood (ages 8-12) Old Yeller -- Early Disney classic about the love -- and loss -- of achildhood dog.Bridge to Terabithia -- Based on the award-winning book, amagical story of the death of a friend.Fly Away Home -- Following the death of her mother, a young girlbonds with her estranged father by learning to fly with geese.My Dog Skip -- A boy and dog grow up in 1940s Mississippi(spoiler alert: in the end, the dog dies of old age).The Yearling -- This story revolves around the love and loss of apet deer.
http://blog.beliefnet.com/moviemom/2002/12/fly-away-home.htmlhttp://blog.beliefnet.com/moviemom/2002/12/fly-away-home.htmlhttp://blog.beliefnet.com/moviemom/2002/12/fly-away-home.html


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My Girl -- An 11-year-old girl is surrounded by death -- andtransformational gifts.

Adolescence (ages 13-18) The Boys Are Back -- A young father and son go it alone after atragic death.Hugo -- Two orphans solve a mystery in 1931 train station (and in3-D).Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (mature teenagers) -- A young

boy's search for meaning after his father dies in the 9/11catastrophe.The Descendants (mature teenagers) -- Total immersion into thecomplex, fraught emotional terrain as a wife and mother laysdying.

Supernatural Series (with far-ranging themes, touching on,though not focusing on, the theme of loss)Harry Potter The Lord of the Rings Spiderman Superman

TIPS FOR VIEWING

Here are some tips if you're watching a movie with a bereavedchild (much of this is common-sense advice that applies tochildren in other situations, as well):

Be honest about the movie, and ask the child if he or shewants to watch. You might say, "This is a pretty sad movie.I think someone dies. Are you sure you want to watch it?"
http://blog.beliefnet.com/moviemom/2011/07/harry-potter-and-the-deathly-hallows-part-2.htmlhttp://blog.beliefnet.com/moviemom/2011/07/harry-potter-and-the-deathly-hallows-part-2.htmlhttp://blog.beliefnet.com/moviemom/2011/07/harry-potter-and-the-deathly-hallows-part-2.html


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Select age- and stage-appropriate movies; keep in mindthe child's age and maturity level.

Watch with the child, and don't be afraid to be emotional

when the film moves you. Get comfortable, perhaps pop some popcorn. Althoughthe movie may be illustrative or therapeutic, it is, first andforemost, entertainment.

Check in with the child, especially if you notice agitation.Make it clear that the child can stop watching the movie at

any time. After the movie, begin a discussion in general terms. Did

you like it? Who did you like best? Gently stick with yourquestions, but be understanding if the child does not wantto talk.

Questions

Here are five questions and guided discussion topics (which youcan tailor to most of the movies listed above).

1. What does the main character discover about himself?

With movies that have a profound loss at their center, the journeyis often not about getting to a happy ending so much as soldieringon and finding inner strength. Watching the journey played out onscreen can be an enormous comfort when you're at the beginningof that journey: Life goes on.

Nemo, for instance, discovers that he is strong under pressure.And his father, Marvin, discovers that he is in fact brave andintrepid enough to complete one of the biggest adventures ahumble clown fish has ever had. In The Lion King, Simba spends


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years running away from his loss only to discover in the end thathe is brave and strong enough to lead his rightful kingdom.

This question can help children -- and adults -- begin to thinkabout their own inner resources that they can call on in grief.

2. What good things happen in the movie? What new

opportunities come up following the loss?

This question introduces the idea of external resources. Inaddition to finding an inner strength and resiliency, charactersoften form new friendships, find new communities or discoverother interests as they begin to make a new life.

In Nemo , Marvin, the father, forges an unlikely friendship withDory, who adds a dimension of comfort and fun to his life andNemo's. Nemo made friends in the fish tank in Sydney, friendswho loved him, protected him and revealed to him his innerstrength. And Nemo learns that his father will go to the ends ofthe earth for him. Perhaps there will be more adventures for thewell-traveled threesome.

At the end of Pixar's Up , grieving widow Carl (Ed Asner) forms agrandfather-grandson bond with wilderness explorer scoutRussell, which suggests more adventures in the future. "The olderman is transformed," Debra notes. "He realizes that he's not theonly one in pain and that he can be there for the boy. These arethe transformational gifts of grief."

In the 1957 classic Old Yeller , which tops Nell's list of parentalmovie wisdom on the theme of loss, Jim (played by Fess Parker)allows that his son Travis's loss of Yeller is "not a thing you canforget." Jim encourages the boy to hold on to the memory but


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begin -- if and when he's ready -- to accept the good with the bad,to begin looking for new opportunities. "I'll tell you a trick that'ssometimes a big help. Start looking around for something good to

take the place of the bad. As a general rule, you can find it."

3. How does the missing loved one stay with or return to the

main character over time?

The relationship with a loved one changes over time and isparticularly resonant at milestone events that mark the passage oftime -- a wedding, graduation, birth of a child. The Harry Potter series, which takes place over many years, offers a rare glimpseinto how a child experiences the death of his parents over time.As Harry gets older and goes through different stages in his life,he revisits the mysterious deaths again and again. Along the way,he learns more about their lives and how they were connected toand reflected in him. They are, in many ways, with him as hegrows up, which is a continuation of the relationships as he goesthrough new experiences.

4. What did you see in the film that reminded you of yourself or

your life?

Open the door, to see if a child wants to talk about his or her ownsituation -- while realizing that this question may be too difficultto answer. "They might not say anything that day," Debra says."Respect their space, because maintaining that safety is crucial."

Most importantly, keep the door to conversation open. "Don't besurprised if they want to talk about the movie later," says Debra."They might bring it up in a totally different context and evenwant to watch it again."


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5. Topic for further thought: Guilt and loss

Many people feel guilty when they lose a loved one, especiallychildren -- who may not be able to articulate the feeling. A five-year-old might be mired in such thoughts: "Did Mommy diebecause I was bad? Or because I didn't go to bed when I wassupposed to?" (Guilt is not the sole province of children. Adults,too, think: "If only I made him go to the doctor earlier..." or, "Ifonly I was there when he had the stroke...")

A movie like The Lion King offers the chance to identify andexplore that guilt, with an eye towards reassuring the child thatthe death was not his or her fault. You might begin, "Simba thinksit's his fault that his father died. Do you think it's his fault?" Bytalking about how Simba blamed himself, even though the deathwasn't his fault, parents can shed light -- even obliquely -- on achild's own situation.


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PERSONAL ASSESSMENTS AFTER A CRISIS vi

How are you doing? As a parents its important that you are okay beforeyou can help your child.

These are not a test but these are for your use assessing the function ofthose in your family or for whom you are accountable along withyourself. Consider discussing this with your spouse, mentor, oraccountability partner. Where are you right now? If you are not whereyou think you should be its to ask for help

Physical and Mental HealthFitness, Wellness, Self-esteem, control


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Citations

i Taken From:http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/26257/~/helping-children-cope-emotionally-after-traumatic-events-and-experiences. Adapted from Parenting in the Midst of Tragedy andUnderstanding and Coping with Trauma. Copyright 2008, 2011Focus on the Family.

ii Taken from, National Center for Biblical Parenting,

https://www.biblicalparenting.org/pr-tip7.aspiii Taken From. http://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-things-to-remember-when.html , 5 Things to Remember whendealing with a crisis, Brad Gwartney

iv How to Say Goodbye, Bonnie Bue

v Movie List for Grieving Children & Tips, Bonnie Bue

vi Adapted from: Stress First Aid Training, Florida BaptistChaplaincy Ministries, Jacksonville, FL
http://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-things-to-remember-when.htmlhttp://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-things-to-remember-when.htmlhttp://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-things-to-remember-when.htmlhttp://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-things-to-remember-when.htmlhttp://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-things-to-remember-when.htmlhttp://www.bradgwartney.com/2013/04/five-things-to-remember-when.html

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