getting what you need

KNOWING & MEETING NEEDS

Outline:• Introducing Needs (Shuffled Pair)• Stages of Growth in PA (5min talk?)• Dance Floor / Listening• Needs V's Strategies• Suggested Strategies

• Get/Give Empathy (5min talk?)• Change Thinking (Beliefs -> Behaviour)• Change Actions (Say, Do)

• Boundaries Q. What is a need that brought you here?

Q. How are you feeling?

Please Pick:Not a close friend.Not somebody difficult.Anyone else.

YOU NEED!

• Larry Crabb – Understanding People – Deep Longings for Relationship.

• God – “It’s not good for man to be alone.”

• Marshall Rosenberg – “Everything we do is in service of our needs.”

CONNECTION• acceptance• affection• belonging• companionship• mutuality• nurturing• to see and be seen

PHYSICAL • food• exercise• rest/sleep• sexual expression• safety• touch

HONESTY• authenticity• integrity

PLAY• joy• humour

PEACE• beauty• ease• harmony

AUTONOMY• choice• space

MEANINGcelebrationclaritycompetencecontributioncreativitygrowthhopelearningmourningto matter

I have a need for…

PA Stage 1 – The Ride…Q. Do we all have the same needs?

Q. What shapes our needs?

PA Stage 2 – ‘Right’ing and FightingQ. When did you enter this stage?

Q. How do you know?

PA Stage 3 – Observing & Accepting

“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”

-J. Krishnamurti

Q. What does it mean to observe without evaluating?

Q. How well do you observe without interpreting?

Grace & Feelings

Please learn to OBSERVE and REFLECT without:

FixingControllingExplaining

Evaluation Feeling Need

Abandoned Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad,frightened, lonely

Nurturing, connection, belonging,support, caring

Abused Angry, frustrated, frightened

Caring, nurturing, support, safety, consideration

(Un) accepted Scared, lonely, hurt, anxious

Inclusion, connection,community, belonging,contribution, respect

Unheard Sad, hostile, frustrated

Understanding, consideration,empathy

The 5 Minute Talk LISTEN!

DO• Shut-up!

• Quieten your inner voice too!

• Feel how you're heart/spirit responds.

• Listen for their needs.

• Listen for their feelings.

DON’T• Fix• Explain• ‘Relate’

STOP! Shaming yourself for having NEEDS!

Q. What is a need that you have that you don’t let yourself have?

Q. Who told you it wasn’t ok to have that need?

CONNECTION• acceptance• affection• belonging• companionship• mutuality• nurturing• to see and be seen

PHYSICAL • food• exercise• rest/sleep• sexual expression• safety• touch

HONESTY• authenticity• integrity

PLAY• joy• humour

PEACE• beauty• ease• harmony

AUTONOMY• choice• space

MEANINGcelebrationclaritycompetencecontributioncreativitygrowthhopelearningmourningto matter

I have a need for…

PA Stage 4 – Living The Dance?

NVC DANCE FLOORmaking space for grace

NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight

Jackal(Self Talk, Judgements, Interpretations.)

NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight

Observation (Short, Clear, Simple description. The facts.)

NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight

Feelings(In the body, heart & soul.)

AFRAIDANNOYEDANGRYAVERSIONCONFUSEDDISCONNECTEDDISQUIETEMBARRASSEDFATIGUEPAINSADTENSEVULNERABLEYEARNING

AFFECTIONATEENGAGEDHOPEFUL

CONFIDENTEXCITED

GRATEFULINSPIRED

JOYFULEXHILARATED

PEACEFULREFRESHED

NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight

Needs(What fills & sustains.)

CONNECTION

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING

HONESTY

PLAY

PEACE

AUTONOMY

MEANING

NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight

Request(Of myself first…clear, doable, present.)

NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight

Dancing Graciously Towards

I am…

I won

der i

f yo

u ar

e…

1

2

NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight

Strategy V’s NeedSTRATAGY

Request of othersRequest of selfSomething I do

ToolTechniqueThoughtsActions

Need

Internal

What fills me

God given / life shaped

Not to be denied!

Q. What strategy do you use to meet the need you just talked about?

3 Suggested Strategies

1. Get/Give Empathy

2. Change Thinking (LW - Beliefs/Thoughts/Actions)

3. Change Actions (Say, Do)

“Our needs are never in conflict…just our clumsily chosen strategies.”

“When people think you're dying, they really,

really listen to you, instead of just..

...instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?”

– Fight Club

ACTIONS

^

FEELINGS

^

THINKING

^

LIFE RULES

^

CORE BELIEFS

^

NEEDS

Don’t invite myself to events. Keep to myself. Don’t include myself in conversations. Don’t ask for help.

Alone, shy, insecure.

“They don’t like me.”“They didn’t invite me because they don’t like me.”“I don’t fit in.”

There is no point trying to fit in.I only go when invited.When I am not invited it means I don’t belong.

I don’t belong. (KING LIE/Mis-belief)

Invite myself out when I want. Include myself in conversations.

Ask for, and offer help.

Warm, Satisfied, Relaxed

“I wonder if there is any chocolate in the fridge.”

“How can I contribute here.”“I’ll ask them if I can join in and give

them my number.”

I fit in here if they like me or not.This place is mine as much anyone's.

I can play a part in friendships & ministry.People need me and most probably like

me.

I am a unique part of the puzzle.I belong.

I am part of the family.

What am I needing?

AREAS OF

INFLUENCE

AREAS OF RESPONSIBILITY

BOUNDARIES – What is mine? What is yours?

What happens if you take responsibility for that which you have no control over?

AREAS OF

INFLUENCE

AREAS OF RESPONSIBILITY

My boundaries are healthy and include only

my own feelings, thinking, actions.

My boundaries include their feelings, thinking, actions.

I’m in your space, but I don’t know it and I think you want it or need it.