"communicate powerfully... without being a bitch: a guide for women" by michelle...

COMMUNICATE POWERFULLYWithout Being A BITCH

A Guide For Women

byMichelle Villalobos

(vee - ya - low - bos)

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A brief trip back in time... why men & women are the way we are

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v v

vvv

Survival Of The Fittest:Evolution

wasn’t about competing

against nature, it was

about competing

against each other

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CompetitionCaveman (& cavewoman) Style

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Specialization of duties meant men and women

evolved differently.

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men evolved to compete phsycially and aggressively....

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women, beingless expendable,

evolved forms of non-violent competition

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And now, millions of years later, men and women have different

“stereotypical” behaviors

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nurturingcommunicating

reconciling

decisivecommandingcontrolling

“male” “female”

. . . . . .

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The training starts early...

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Socialization, AKA:“Now, now, girls, play nice...”

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WomanHumilityModesty

ShynessConstraint

Coyness |Demureness Meekness | Unpretentious

Diffidence | HumblenessInhibition | Innocence

Reserve | Quietness Purity | Timidity

Self-effacing

QuietBashfulness

SweetHelpful Gentle Nice Caring Kind Calm

And it only gets worse.

These are some words people

associate with “woman”

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WomanHumilityModesty

ShynessConstraint

Coyness |Demureness Meekness | Unpretentious

Diffidence | HumblenessInhibition | Innocence

Reserve | Quietness Purity | Timidity

Self-effacing

QuietBashfulness

SweetHelpful Gentle Nice Caring Kind Calm

Unfortunately, they’re not the words associated

with “mogul,” “success” or

“ambition”

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v s. WomanHumilityModesty

ShynessConstraint

Coyness |Demureness Meekness | Unpretentious

Diffidence | HumblenessInhibition | Innocence

Reserve | Quietness Purity | Timidity

Self-effacing

QuietBashfulness

SweetHelpful Gentle Nice Caring Kind Calm

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What’s an ambitious woman to do?

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“Women who adopt a masculine, ‘alpha-

female’ approach in the office earn more [and

get promoted more] than than their more passive

female colleagues.”– Businessweek, July 2010

Fact:

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Problem is, then we get labeled “BITCH.” Yuck.

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It’s like we’re a balancing act between being a buldozer or a doormat.

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“assertive”

Then there’s that magical place right in between... the one everyone

calls “ASSERTIVE.”

What is “assertive?”

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It’s hard to define, that’s for sure. And even harder to BE.

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•Don’t always win, but handles situations effectively

•Is an “Active Listener”•States expectations•Sets boundaries•Considers others feelings•States observations without

labels or judgments•Expresses self directly,

honestly, and quickly about issues & wants

•Confident, trusts self and others

•Open, flexible, versatile

•Decisive & action-oriented•Consistent•Uses direct eye contact•Has a varied rate of speech•Uses “I prefer” or “I’d rather” •Asks: “What are my options?”

“What are the alternatives?”•Negotiates, bargains, trades off,

compromises•Confronts problems as they

arise•Doesn’t bottle up negative

feelings•Feels well-understood

“assertive”

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12 steps to striking the balance... Between buldozer and doormat,

between bimbo and bitch, between psycho and successful.

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#1. Identify blind spots. Be self-aware.

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Are you a bulldozer or doormat?

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- people won’t disagree with you- (or) you get into lots of arguments

- people often leave you angry or upset- you raise your voice a lot

- they act passive around you- you speak loud and fast

- you interrupt- you are impolite

- you often hear that you’re rude- you are intimidating

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- you don’t share your thoughts/needs- you feel resentful

- you’re not getting what you deserve- you’re overly polite- you apologize a lot

- you back down from debates- you avoid conflict at all costs- people take advantage of you

- you can’t say no28

#2. Body language & image29

Scientists estimate that a majority of our conclusions about a person are

drawn from non-verbal cues!

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Look at the women and the men’s headshots. What do you notice?

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what do you notice?

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Let me make it a little clearer. Now?

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How about this?

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The classic “head tilt” and the coy stare say “I don’t know,” “I’m a little girl” or

“I’m sexy” – not good if you’re an ambitious, professional woman.

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Here are some alternatives that work.

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And one that doesn’t.

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Here are some quick tips about the elements of good body language...

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Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830

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social is the new business

Body Language

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• Eye contact• Body language• Clothes• Neatness • Expression• Attitude• “Props”• Greeting/handshake• Striking up rapport

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And what to watch out for.

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Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830

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social is the new business

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• Unequal distribution of eye contact

• Arms/hands/fidgeting• Unhappy/angry “resting

face”• Smile-talking (it feels fake)• Personal space / proximity• Leaning in• Other people around you

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Most people don’t make enough eye contact.

(And if you’re fiddling with your BBerry, that’s one reason why - I know that’s kind of a tangent, but I had to get that out there).

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1Eye contact is the most

basic form of human interaction... even

newborns do it

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Does your body language

say “I’m too busy for you”?

That’s one surefire way to

turn people off...

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How’s your handshake? Handshakes establish equality

between two people.

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In a proper handshake – for men and women – the web of the hand touch.

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No limp handshakes, please...

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And while we’re at it, no dainty “fingertip” handshakes either.

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# 4. what you say

& how you say it

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do you ask for permission to

speak up?Can I ask a question?

I just want to add one thing

Would you mind if I said something?

I have an idea I’d like to share, if you don’t mind

May I add something?63

Do you start your sentences with “I” – as in, “I think that” or “I feel that...”?

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“I”blames you for issues

that aren’t yourschildish

takes focus off the facts

not effective leadership (it’s not about you)

often leads to “psychobabble”

(i.e., “feel,” “think,”

“believe”)

* How To Say It For WomenPhyllis Mindell, Ed.D.

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“psychobabble”rambling & nervous chatter

“blah, blah, blah...” “Be in the moment... “present...” “The Secret...” “The Law of Attraction”

and... and... and...“I’m suuuuch an Aquarius (giggle)”

“I feeeeel...”

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(k)notty wordscan not

could notshould not

do notwould not

rephrase with what you DO want

or WILL do

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try:

“um”“you know”

“ahhh”“like”

...pausing...rhetorical question

...dramatic pause

...drop altogether

verbal filler

instead of:

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onlyjust

you knowreally

in my opinionsort ofkind of

apparentlyI’m not an expert, but

I may not be qualified, butbut

maybeI guess

While you’re at it, lose the

“hedging” language too.

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strong words vs.weak words

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“to be”

I am (was, will be...)

You are (were, will be)

We are (were, will be)

They are (were, will be)

I am the leader of a team

You are responsible for sales

We are the managers of...

They were helping the kids...

I lead

We manage

They helped

________________

_______________

______________

You oversee sales

_______________

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AchieveAdvanceConductConsultCommitCoordinateDevelopDeliverDesignDefineDevoteEarnEnhanceEvaluateExamineExtendFacilitateFormulate

FulfillForecastGenerateGainGatherHeadHostIdentifyImplementImproveImproviseInfluenceLaunchLeadLobbyMaintainManageMarketed

MaximizedMediatedMotivateNegotiateObtainOperateOrganizeOriginateOverseeParticipatePerformPioneerPlanPreparePresentPromotePublishPursue

RankUpdateRedesignReengineerReorganizeRepresentRestructureReviseSafeguardSecureSpecifySpearheadStandardizeStrengthenStructureSuggestSupersedeSupervise

TargetTeach/TaughtTestTrainTransformTranscendUnifyUpgradeUtilizeValidateValueWrite 

effective action verbs...

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volume, tone, tempo & inflection

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lowerslowerlouder

vshigherfastersofter

which is preferable?

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#5. Learn to say “shut up” (politely)

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Learn to say “shut up” (politely)

*Phyllis Mindel, PhDHow To Say It For Women

Excuse mePlease allow me to finish...

I’m not finishedI’m not quite finished...

Please hold any comments until I’m donePlease hold your questions until the end

Just a moment...Interruptions break my train of thought,

please allow me to finish...

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#7. practice saying

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Dump the sarcasm and other passive-aggressive behavior, it’s juvenile and ineffective.

#8.

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“Thanks for doing such a great job. Really, thanks.

“It’s not like you do anything anyways.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Everything is great. Just perfect.”

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•be solution-oriented•address sarcasm straight-up

“was that meant sarcastically?”•ask for alternate behavior •use active listening to uncover

the real issue (ask!)•talk about that (honestly)

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exudeconfidence

#10.

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How do you respond to compliments?

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“Unwritten Rules: What You Don’t Know Can Hurt Your Career” © 2008 by CATALYST

#11. promote yourself

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Like it or not, we all have a personal brand. Purposeful or accidental, decided by you, or

decided by the people around you...

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Copyright Michelle Villalobos, Mivista Consulting, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved. To Reprint, Distribute or Repurpose, visit www.MivistaConsulting.com and click “Contact Us”.

View more at: www.MichelleVillalobos.com87