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Assertive Communication Skills for Managers Key Terms
Glossary Page 1
Term Definition Introduced in:
ABCs of Rational Thinking
A refers to the Activating event i.e. what actually happened. B refers to your Beliefs about the activating event. Your interpretation and feelings to the event. C refers to the Consequences that occurred in reaction to the event Module 2
AggressiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency to make his own feelings paramount and willing to hurt feelings and break ties to serve self; individual is often brash and abbrasive particularly in a conflict Module 1
AssertiveConfident and expressive, this learned conflict style equally regards the feelings of others and self; typically an individual with self-esteem and does not engage in conflict needlessly Module 1
Authoritative Having, or the illusion of having, authority over someone or something else Module 1
Body Language Gestures and physical movement used to consciously and unconsciously communicate with others Module 3
Budgetary limits limitations set due to cost or the availbility of funds Module 2
Constraints limitations or parameters that exist to define or ground a project Module 2
Non Communicative Defined by a lack of motivation or ability to communicate effectively Module 1
Pace The speed of your voice in combination with your pauses or breaks in speech Module 3
PassiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency to regard others feelings as paramount and lacks active display of negative feelings or emotions; individual is often quiet and walked over Module 1
Passive AggressiveTypically displaying the behavior or tendency toward negative feelings, resentment, and/or aggression in an unassertive passive way; examples include stubbornness and procrastination Module 1
Pitch Focuses on the intonation of your voice – how high or how low your voice goes Module 3
Power Focuses on the volume of your voice Module 3
ReceiverThere must be someone to receive the message you send. Likewise, it’s your duty as a respectful, assertive communicator to give your unwavering attention to those when they address you. Module 4
Self-esteem The impression of the self or how you view yourself Module 1
Sender The speaker or the individual initiating communication Module 4
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 1
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE ONE – DIFFERENT COMMUNICATION STYLES Module number one – Different Communication Styles. It’s important to note that as we
talk through the characteristics of an assertive manager, we’re talking about
behaviors and not necessarily personalities. In particular, we’re talking about
communication. The way you think about and actually communicate messages
are skills that you can learn, practice, and master. So close your eyes for just a
moment. I want you to picture someone you know when I say “assertive
manager.” Who do you think of? Do you get the image of a person who is
considered blunt or bold in his or her communication; someone who always gets
what they want? Unfortunately many people confuse aggressiveness with
assertiveness. But the end of today’s session, you’ll have an image of an
assertive manager is someone who respects people - earns respect and gives
respect, communicates to reach an agreement without belittling, intimidating or
simply controlling others. See, let’s start from the beginning. What does it really
mean to be assertive? There are many definitions for the word assertive. Some
focus on confidence, others on aggression or boldness. However, all of the
definitions have one thing in common, and that’s the term self-assured.
According to researchers Florian and Zernitsky-Shurka, being assertive is
defined as direct and appropriate communication of one’s needs, wants, and
opinions without creating fear of others in the process. For our purposes, to
maximize our success as a manager, an assertive leader, we want to recognize
that our own opinions have value, and that expressing these values in a clear
and respectful way. Now based on this definition, assertive falls on a scale
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somewhere in the middle of passive behavior and aggressive behavior. See, the
difference between passive and aggressive mentalities are similar to the fight
and flight mentality often taught in psychology classes. These are natural human
reactions to events or interactions with each other. In the flight or passive
mentality, we are driven to run from it – run from stressful situations. In the fight
mentality, we’re aggressive and we’re driven to fight against a stressful situation.
However, when we’re aware of our stress reactions, we realize that we have a
choice in how we can react to anything, and it doesn’t have to be fight or flight.
Our choices are dependent on our present needs, goals, desires, confidence,
and self-esteem. By better understanding our styles and the ramifications, we
can make better decisions and can better understand our behavioral choices. So
as a starting point, let’s take a closer look at some of the easily identified patterns
found in most passive managers, and explore the magnifications of that particular
style. Now, the passive manager wants to be liked. Typically they think of
themselves as likable or friendly. Passive managers are not comfortable with
conflict and they are avoidant at all levels. Often passive managers will not
respect their own thoughts or feelings about something just to avoid conflict.
This is the person who doesn’t like to rock the boat, or is afraid that people will be
upset with them. Take a look at the characteristics listed in your handout, or here
on the screen, of passive people. They are not comfortable with conflict; they
don’t like to make decisions; they don’t actively pursue their own goals; they
allow others to make choices for them. And it’s an I-lose-you-win scenario.
Remember, when we talk about assertive managers, they recognize their own
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opinions and values and they seek win-win situations. Now the passive manager
might have thoughts of I won’t offer my opinion, people might laugh at me. Or it’s
not my place to speak up. Or maybe they think that nice people don’t disagree.
Well there’s nothing wrong with being nice or a friendly person. Sometimes there
are opportunities where these qualities should take precedence. However, a
manager in general of this type of passive thoughts and communication doesn’t
increase the likelihood of building a strong team or maximized business goals. In
fact this type of style, often things don’t get done in a timely manner. Things get
put on a back burner in an attempt to avoid conflict or challenges. Managers
create the possibility of miscommunication because clear expectations are not
set. In addition, there’s no skill development because there’s no constructive
criticism being given, and people don’t know what to improve on. These are just
a few of the possible consequences of being a passive manager. Now, as you
look at some of the descriptors about passive individuals, you’ll see that passive
people aren’t always very nice. About halfway down the column, you’ll notice the
words “blames others.” Blaming is a defense mechanism for passive people who
want to be perceived as nice, perceived as having done all they could. Blamers
are the people in the meeting who might say, “Well I asked Mark for that, but he
must not have had time to get it to me.” Instead of admitting they forgot to ask
Mark to begin with, they’ll blame Mark and point the finger on someone else.
Managers who are blamers will use their staff as scapegoats, excuses for
department failures rather than backing employees up and taking responsibility
for the staff decisions and levels of productivity. Employees catch on to blamers
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 4
quickly and they have little faith in these managers’ leadership qualities. On the
same line of thought, further down the passive column you see the words “allows
others to make choices for him or her.” And a couple of boxes below that “does
not make decisions.” By allowing others to make their choices and decisions for
them, passive people shrink all responsibility for consequences, unless those
consequences are positive, of course. Most of us have known managers who
are all too happy to take credit for good choices when in fact they had nothing to
do with the choice at all. But if the choices were bad, these passive managers
will quickly throw the consequences in the face of those who made them. See,
passive people aren’t really all that nice after all. Now on the opposite side of the
spectrum is the aggressive managers. Let’s take a look at their qualities. The
characteristic behaviors and thoughts of these type of managers are winning,
intimidating, over powering, and ultimately just getting their way. Often and
unfortunately, they do not get their way by belittling, degrading, or humiliating
others. And you can probably imagine this type of behavior can accomplish
goals. However, those goals ultimately reflect only the manager’s perception.
There is no input on what, how, or when these goals might be achieved by those
who are actually doing the work. As the result of an aggressive manager, the
manager’s potential in motivating a team as an individual is greatly diminished.
In the end, this will lead to less productivity, lower quality output, and potentially
many other devastating results. Take a look at the characteristics listed in the
assertive scale on your handout. It’s interesting to note that one of the traits of
an aggressive manager is the same as a passive manager – that is that they
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 5
blame others. While passive managers blame others in a roundabout, less
obvious way, the aggressive manager is likely to literally point a finger. The
psychology between passive communication and aggressive communication is
remarkably similar. Both types of communicators are – and in this case it may
surprise you – insecure at some level. Somewhere along the line, they learn to
manipulate people, either with insincere niceness or by bullying. Obviously
manipulation is not the goal for the ideal manager. So let’s look at how to
eliminate manipulation and communicate assertively instead. Assertiveness is a
balance of the continuum on the assertive scale. The goal of the assertive
manager is to get the work done at the level of excellence while enhancing the
growth and development of those doing the work. This type of manager
communicates in a style that is accurate and respectful of the dignity of all of
those involved. Assertive managers encourage all those whom they work with to
be equally respectful of each other. So let’s look at a couple of examples and
characteristics of the assertive manager. The assertive manager is self-
confident, competent, they listen, they don’t put others down, they help others
feel good, they have the ability to praise and critique, they admit mistakes, they
understand it’s okay to change their mind, they accept criticism, and they’re
honest and direct. When we look at the consequences of this communication
style, we see that the results of an assertive communicator are quite positive.
For example, think about how you feel when you work with a manager who is
self-confident. It is likely that your own confidence is boosted when you work
with a self-confident leader. You might ask creative questions that you might
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have shied away from before. So it’s very contagious. Look through other
characteristics listed on the assertive communicator and consider what are some
of the consequences or results of these characteristics? With assertive
communication, we see stronger teams and teamwork, respected leaders, a
cooperative and trusting environment, employees who know where they stand.
These are the results that every manager should be striving for. So let’s do a
couple of comparisons here and see how the assertive manager compares with
the aggressive and passive manager. Where the passive manager sometimes
thinks I’m not okay, and therefore they shy down from saying anything, the
aggressive person says you’re not okay, and I’m going to walk on you. The
assertive manager says I’m okay and you’re okay. Let’s look at another one.
The passive person says I don’t have rights. It’s okay. I’ll back off so that you
can get what you want. The aggressive person says I don’t care what you want.
My rights are more important and I’m going to get what I want. The assertive
person says we both have rights, and I’m going to respect yours and ask you to
respect mine. One more is the passive person says – doesn’t respect
themselves. The aggressive person doesn’t respect others. The assertive
person says I respect you and I respect me. Now if you’re looking at your
handout, take a few minutes, and if you have a chance to pause, go ahead and
fill in the others. How does the assertive person react in all of these situations?
Based on what you’ve just learned, it’s probably clear to you that communicating
assertively can help you become a better leader. We now know that we need to
find the balance between passive and aggressive communication. However,
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mastering this type of communication takes not only learning but certainly
practice in ways to do it. So there’s going to be some obstacles in your way.
Let’s take a look at how we can overcome some of those obstacles. Self-
concept is the first obstacle that we’re going to need to overcome. Self-concept
refers to the characteristics and attributes that we believe we have. In other
words, if our theory of – it’s our theory about ourselves. The obstacles we face in
becoming more assertive exist as part of our self-concept. We have insecurities
and often a skewed self-perception. As leaders, we need to have more
confidence in ourselves. We need to think about why we were placed in a
position of leadership in the first place and focus on the job we have to do. Often
we have feelings of insufficiency when in reality, many others see us as very
competent and very capable. You probably noticed that people don’t always see
things from the same perception. Have you ever sat in a meeting where
someone was sitting next to you and had a completely different perception of
what happened during the meeting? Maybe they were frustrated or shocked by
an outcome, and your response was well, that’s the same outcome that it was
going to be. No big deal. There’s a lot of how we hear things and how we think
people react has to do with our own self-perception. It also has a lot to do with
our own personal needs. We perceive things in a way that meets our needs at
the moment in time. Thinking back to the example of the meeting, the person
who was frustrated by the outcome was probably more personally affected by
that outcome than you are. The outcome might mean extra work for him or her,
and the same or less work for you. Or maybe that you had gotten wind of an
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 8
outcome already, so your reaction during the meeting was less dramatic than
someone who heard it for the first time. The bottom line is when it comes to
communicating assertively is that people want to be respected, acknowledged,
and heard. If you can manage to behave and communicate with these three
things in mind, you will push yourself to a balanced position of an assertive
manager very, very quickly. Now there are many barriers based on our self-
concept that may prevent us from communicating assertively. Let’s walk through
three significant barriers. Barrier number one, if I assert myself, others will be
angry or upset with me. And the truth is, as a leader it is part of your job to make
decisions. Your employees colleagues expect and need you to make decisions.
Because people have different perspectives, not everyone will respond to your
decision the same way. However, if you assert yourself appropriately,
communicating clearly with respect for your own position as well as others, you
shouldn’t feel responsible for others’ reactions. More often than not, if you
consistently communicate with your team and colleagues in an assertive manner,
you’ll gain a level of respect that will lead to consistent and committed
cooperation. Whether they agree with your decision wholeheartedly or not
doesn’t matter. That they respect you enough to honor your decision is what
counts. Let’s look at an example. Jim, one of your employees, has interrupted
you four times this morning for something that is obviously not urgent. By the
fifth time, you’ve had it. You want to say to Jim, “You’ve interrupted me all day.
Can’t u see I’m busy? If you interrupt me one more time, I’m going to scream!”
You’re beyond frustrated. You’re afraid, although, that if you say the wrong thing
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 9
you’re going to make Jim very upset. So what could you do to handle the
situation? Well, keeping in mind the characteristics of an assertive
communicator, an assertive manager might calmly say something like, “Jim,
before you ask your question, I’m in the middle of finishing something up here
and I’m running short on time. If it’s something that can wait until tomorrow, I’d
greatly appreciate if you’d give me some time to finish this up. But if it’s really
urgent, let’s go ahead and talk about it right now.” This scenario is respectful of
both parties involved. You state the reality of the situation, identify your needs,
and ask that those needs be respected. At the same time, you’re respectful of
Jim’s needs – letting him know that if he really must have a minute, then you’re
willing to give it to him right now. Now the second barrier is if my assertive
communication hurts others, I’m responsible for their feelings. The truth is, most
people are going to appreciate your clear communication and your empathy. If
you’re truly communicating in an assertive manner, you should not take on the
burden of the responsibility for the way others feel or how they react to your
assertiveness. Looking again at the example of Jim who keeps interrupting you,
you can’t let your worry about how Jim will feel stop you from getting your own
work done. By interrupting, Jim is not communicating assertively. He is not
respecting your needs. Remember, part of being an assertive manager is the
expectation that those with whom you work will also communicate assertively.
Once you have been clear with Jim regarding what you need, and after providing
Jim with the understanding that you do want to hear what he has to say, it’s out
of your hands how Jim will react. Barrier number three, at all costs I must avoid
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 10
making statements or asking questions that might make me look ignorant or
might make it seem like I don’t know what I’m doing. The truth is, if you lack
information, it is better to admit it and get the information so you can make
informed decisions. And if you make a mistake, it’s better to admit the mistake
and figure out how to fix it than it is to blame someone else or let the mistake
snowball into a nightmare. Everybody has questions, and everybody makes
mistakes. Everyone – your employees, you, and your peers. Everyone will
respect you more if you show your human side. As an assertive leader, you
should be pushing that concept out to your staff as well. If they don’t ask
questions, they remain in the dark. If they don’t make mistakes, how can they
learn for things to be better in the future? Let’s take a look at an example here
and help you make some decisions about being an assertive communicator.
Let’s take a look at Susan and use an example of Susan. Susan is a manager of
six people. She knows that for the most part, her team’s workload is about
maxed out. She also knows that they are not managing their time as efficiently
as they can. Susan has let it slide for the past six months because she didn’t
want to get her team mad if she imposed a bunch of new rules and processes.
However, things are about to get a little bit tougher for Susan and her team.
Susan’s boss took another job, and now Susan reports to a new manager –
William. William’s made some changes effective immediately that will place an
administrative strain on Susan’s team. She dreads telling the team about the
new responsibilities. She fears they will think she’s given up on them, or that
she’s not on their side. So if Susan is going to handle the situation as an
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 11
assertive manner, which of the following things might she do? And I want you to
think about these things and choose which ones – and you can choose all of
them or you can choose none of them or you can choose a combination of them
– which ones should Susan do? Number one, Susan should explain to William
that her team can absolutely not take on any more administrative work. Number
two, Susan should explain to William that her team is overloaded with projects,
and all this change at one time might demotivate them. Susan might purpose a
different solution to William, such as rolling out the changes one at a time to
alleviate the mass stress it will put on the system. Number three, Susan should
tell her team this was all William’s doing and that she is just the manager.
Number four, Susan should sit down with her team and talk about the impending
changes, letting them know that they are just going to have to get on board
because change is inevitable. Number five, Susan should sit down with her team
and talk about the impending changes. She should let them know that she
realizes they are overloaded right now. She’s trying to work out a plan that will
alleviate some of the work, but she doesn’t have all the answers. She should ask
for input from her team. And number six, Susan should be very clear that they
will need to take on this extra work in some manner, and that she really needs
the team’s support on this so that they can be completely on board with the
goals. I want to challenge you to think about that. Which ones should Susan
do? One, two, three, four, five, six, all of them? Let’s take a look. If you circled
two, five, and six, you’re ahead of the game. To be an assertive leader, you
need to carry that consistent, assertive style up, down, and across the
Assertive Skills – Module 1 Page 12
organization. In this case, Susan should respect the fact that her boss needs this
done while considering her own needs. She should also appreciate the needs of
her team while still pushing through the directive from management. By
communicating in a non-threatening and respectful manner, Susan will get a lot
farther with both her manager and her team.
[End of recording.]
Assertive Skills Module 5 Page 1
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE FIVE – THE THREE-PART MODEL FOR ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION Module number five – The Three-Part Model for Assertive Communication. To enhance
your effectiveness as a manager, we’re going to focus on a three-part model for
assertive communication. This model can be used in endless situations, and
using these skills covered throughout this entire course. Now the first step in this
three-part model is to acknowledge the others. Pay attention and acknowledge
their emotions, but don’t just buy in to the emotions by participating. To avoid
getting emotionally involved, you can use tools like what I hear you saying, or
what I see happening is. These introductory statements allow you to make and
observe rather than use an accusatory you statement. Next, remember your I
statements. Avoid the use of absolutes and exaggerations. And avoid the use of
questions other than for retrieving specific information. Start your I phrases –
excuse me, start your I statements with phrases like those of I feel, I know, I
need. And the third step in this model is to invite feedback. This keeps the
mutuality of a conversation open. As we said earlier in the session, assertive
communication respectful of all involved. It’s not a one-way communication.
Now the last thing to consider is we need to have some practice. We need to be
able to do this. And just like anything else that we do in life, the first couple of
times we do it it’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s not going to feel right. It’s not
going to feel like us. We’re going to feel sometimes like that’s not how WE
communicate. But in order for us to become assertive communicators, we have
to do something different than we’re currently doing. So if we’re currently
aggressive or passive, it’s not going to be like who we normally are. We’re going
Assertive Skills Module 5 Page 2
to become assertive. So let’s use a couple of scenarios here and give you some
practice. So scenario number one is, Michael is an employee in your
department, and he wants Friday off for personal reasons. It’s going to cause the
rest of the team a great inconvenience. How could you respond to that? And
just go ahead and take a couple of seconds – ten seconds – and write down your
response. Remember I statements. Remember, only ask questions if you have
to. Here’s one suggestion on how you might answer that question, or how you
might solve that scenario. “Michael, I understand you want Friday off.
Unfortunately, this will put the team behind on the project. Could you take a day
after the project deadline, or perhaps work over to make up the time to stay on
schedule?” This would allow – notice we acknowledged Michael. We used an I
statement – I understand. And then we clarified and asked a question to be able
to see if there might be another solution. So that might be one scenario. Let’s
look at a second scenario. An employee, Abby, is late for the third time this
week. How might you handle that one? Five more seconds. Remember your I
statements. Well here’s a suggestion. “Abby, I see that you arrived after 8:30
three times this week. I expect you to be on time.” Now you could go on and
ask, “Please tell me what’s causing you to be late.” You want to avoid why are
you late, because that can come off as accusatory. Avoid why questions and
use what questions or how questions a little bit better. How can you be on time
is another question you might ask here. Let’s look at the third scenario. Stewart,
a supervisor in your department, has accused you of never listening to his ideas.
How might you respond to Stewart? Take about ten seconds and write down
Assertive Skills Module 5 Page 3
your answer. Remember your I statements. Here’s one suggestion. “I
understand your frustration about not feeling listened to. What specifically makes
you feel that way?” Again, we’re addressing and acknowledging Stewart. We’re
using an I statement. We’re engaging with him to find out more information. So
of course none of this is going to come natural. It takes practice. And it takes
time. Don’t get frustrated with yourself if you find yourself not doing it
immediately. Make it a practice that every day, you review a conversation and
you try to find a way to become more assertive with that conversation. And
slowly over time, you’re going to find that you’re going to become a more
assertive manager. You’re going to find more solid interactions with your team.
And you’re going to find a happier work environment.
[End of recording.]
Assertive Skills Module 4 Page 1
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE FOUR – LISTENING SKILLS Listening Skills, module number four. No communication – passive, assertive, or
aggressive – can occur without a sender and a receiver. There must be
someone to receive the message you send. You can’t just toss your message
out there and assume everyone understands it. Likewise, it’s your duty as a
respectful, assertive communicator to give your unwavering attention to those
when they address you. Effective listening assures the transmission and receipt
of information. We literally could spend hours on listening skills, so we’re just
going to touch the tip of the iceberg here today. The topic of listening is one of
the skills that require most practice for people, and it is arguably the most
important managerial skill to have. Let’s review some basic principles of
listening. Most of us operate in fast-moving environments, and our lives and our
jobs force us to multitask. However, in order to listen appropriately, you must do
one thing at a time. To show the other person that you care about what they
have to say and that you’re doing your best to understand what they are saying,
you must drop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. See, listening
is a full time job. While most of us can hear, few of us can truly effectively listen.
There’s a big difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is merely
receiving sound, whereas listening is proactive and requires concentrated effort.
To listen effectively, you must physically turn yourself towards the speaker,
making eye contact to show that you’re ready to receive the message. If you’re
on the phone, this readiness is indicated by verbal clues like yeah, uh-huh, um-
hmm. Most of us indicate our readiness to listen by nodding our heads, even
Assertive Skills Module 4 Page 2
when we’re on the phone and the other person can’t see us. We often use our
vocal clues to let the speaker know that we understand them and we want them
to continue. However, overuse of nodding and vocal clues can come across as
insincere, hurry-up body language. Too much nodding and uh-huh-ing make the
speaker think you’re not listening to them. And he or she will rush the message
and get it in before you give up on them altogether. Pay as close attention to
your nonverbal language and listening. You should listen for feelings as well as
facts, using your eyes and your intuition as well as your ears to hear the whole
message. As we said earlier, you can tell when someone’s words are betrayed
by their actions. Listen for the main idea disregarding the sidetracks. Some
people take sidetracks as part of their everyday conversation. Others take
sidetracks when they’re emotionally charged. Ignore their sidetracks and focus
on the main point that they’re trying to make. Now it’s important that you listen
without interrupting, especially when we’re in a hurry. We tend to jump in and
finish other people’s thoughts, and we think we know what they’re trying to say.
We’re often wrong, though. And not only is this disrespectful of the other person,
but it wastes time when we’re trying to get the information. Now the speaker has
to backtrack, regroup, and try again. Just save yourself time by listening
effectively the first time. Lastly, you want to prepare feedback and paraphrase.
At the end of the statement, would you please add these words – after the
speaker is done. After the speaker is done. Never prepare your feedback while
the speaker is speaking. This takes your attention away from the speaker’s
message and you want to focus and refocus your attention on the speaker until
Assertive Skills Module 4 Page 3
they are finished. Now when the speaker finishes their statement, we reflect
back on what we heard and the terms and feelings and content. For instance,
you might say something like, “It sounds like you’re a little frustrated with the
situation. What I hear you saying is that your coworker is not providing you with
the information you need in a timely manner. Is that correct?” This type of
feedback not only clarifies the message, but also acknowledges the speaker’s
feelings and allows them to respond in a timely manner. By closely listening and
hearing and focusing on the speaker, you’ll be able to get all the information and
truly be able to communicate assertively with your participant.
[End of recording.]
Assertive Skills Module 3 Page 1
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE THREE – EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS Module number three – Effective Communication Skills. Assertiveness doesn’t just
happen. And, in fact, it can't be completely effective without the ability and skills
required for effective communication - skills such as the words you use, your
voice, your body language, and the art of listening. So let’s start with the words.
We’re going to look and focus on statements and moving from what we call “you”
statements to “I” statements in order to remain in an assertive rather than an
aggressive style of communication. Let’s take a look at an example of you
versus I statement. You just don’t understand. That’s a very common you
statement. You statements start with the word “you.” In order to turn this into an
I statement, which is much less aggressive, much less blaming, we want to start
with the word “I.” We might say something like, “I have not made myself clear,
and that is causing some misunderstanding.” Notice here you hear the speaker
taking responsibility and not blaming. So another example of turning a you
statement into an I statement might be, “You make me angry.” You make me
angry, remember earlier we said you are responsible for your own reactions. So
nobody can make us angry. Our anger is our own responsibility. Anger is also a
secondary emotion that results from embarrassment, frustration, confusion, or
another emotion. In the ABCs of rational thinking, C is a consequence of our
beliefs that A is the activating event. So to reword the you statement, you make
me angry, into an assertive positive I statement, you could say, “I’m frustrated
by,” or “I’m confused about,” thus opening up the communication for the other
person rather than shutting it down by using an accusatory statement. Let me
Assertive Skills Module 3 Page 2
give you one more script that might help you converting you statements into I
statements. This little script is a really easy one and you can use it in multiple
different areas. It’s I feel, and you fill in how you feel, when you. That’s all. I feel
when you. For example, instead of saying you only think about yourself, instead
say I feel frustrated when you don’t ask me what I want. In order for you to get
more practice, because truly you’re not going to learn assertive communication
unless you’re able to practice it. Here are several examples that are in your
handout, and either now or when you have a moment, sit down and go ahead
and convert these you statements into I statements. The first one is you’re not
doing your share. You expect too much of me. You must stop interrupting. You
don’t keep me informed. You don’t listen. Don’t speak to me that way. And
consider, how can you convert those you statements into I statements? Take a
few minutes if you have it to go ahead and do that right now. The next tool for
assertive communication is using statements versus questions. A question is
assertive if you actually require information, or if you want to make a request.
However too often, we ask a question when we should be making a statement.
It’s more assertive to make a statement than it is to ask a question. So for
example, maybe you’ve heard someone say, “Why do you always arrive late?”
This really is not a question. You’re not really looking for the answer. You really
should be making a statement here. It’s very accusatory because it focuses on
the “you.” So we can convert that to a statement by saying, “I expect you to be
on time.” This is a clear, assertive statement. You can then go further with the
employee to find out there’s a legitimate reason for the tardiness, and if there’s a
Assertive Skills Module 3 Page 3
way you can help him or her with being punctual. In your handout, we’ve
included several more questions that need to be converted to statements. So
take a look at these. Why can’t you see that I am busy? How can you expect
me to do all of this? Why do you wait until the last minute? Could you do this by
noon? Why am I always the last to know? So take a moment if you have it and
go ahead and write in your handout the answers. What are the statements, or
the I statements, behind these questions? Next, we’re going to look at some
words to avoid when making I statements. These are words like little, kind of,
sort of, perhaps, you are, I disagree, or maybe my favorite – yeah, but. These
are weak words, and what these do is they really create unclear, wishy-washy
communication. We also want to avoid absolutes like always, never. These are
dangerous because nothing in human communication is absolute. Take the
above example. Why do you always arrive late? Does the employee really
always arrive late? If so, surely you would have documented that behavior and
had the employee on a disciplinary plan. So always and never are just as
unclear as kind of and sort of. Assertive communication is precise
communication. While it takes a lot of practice to learn how to avoid these words
while speaking, and especially when reacting to an event, having this list handy
can certainly help you in written communication and remind you which words to
be avoiding. So we’ve considered three communication tools so far using I
versus you, using statements and sets of questions, and avoiding words that are
not clear or that may be too aggressive or too passive. Now let’s take a look at
some voice tools. Assertive communication recognizes that the emotional
Assertive Skills Module 3 Page 4
content is perceived as the most important part of the message. In other words,
when you’re speaking with someone, it’s how you deliver the message that
makes all the difference. Our voices have a lot to do with how a message is
delivered and interpreted. Considering how we use our voices, we’re going to
look into three Ps – that’s Pitch, Power, and Pace. Pitch focuses on the
intonation of your voice – how high or how low your voice goes. Power focuses
on the volume. Pace is the speed of which your voice in combination with your
pauses or breaks. When we look at the three Ps, we realize that the way we say
something can drastically affect the message we’re trying to convey. Let’s look
at an example. Let’s use the sample statement, “I think Mike can do it.” Let me
say it in three different ways, and see if you can pick up the differences. The first
way, I THINK Mike can do it. The second way, I THINK MIKE can do it. And the
third way, I think MIKE can do it. Could you tell a difference? See, different tone
of voice, totally different message. One was passive, one was assertive, and
one was aggressive. Typically the passive voice is higher pitched with a
moderate volume and pace that is slow and hesitant. The aggressive voice is
typically more strength in the pitch and a higher volume or power, and usually a
more rapid pace. Our assertive voice is controlled in pitch, volume, pace,
flexibility, and appropriate to the content. In order for our vocal cues to be
relevant, there needs to be a direct and compatible correlation in what we say
and what we don’t say. This brings us to nonverbal or body language cues. Our
nonverbal communication might be the most critical aspect of what we say or
don’t say. The bottom line with nonverbal communication is this – we can’t NOT
Assertive Skills Module 3 Page 5
communicate. How we stand, how our face looks, our eye contact, our proximity
– these are all things that affect the message we’re communicating. Has anyone
ever said yes to you with their voice, but said no to you with their face? Let’s
look at this list of nonverbal body cues that communicate a strong message
without you ever even saying a word. Your facial expressions – this is your
smile, your frown, your scowls. Gestures – are the gestures that you make
appropriate to the message you intend, or do they seem contrived? What are
you doing with your hands or your arms as you speak? Could nervous habits be
distracting from what you’re trying to say? This is more challenging
psychologically than it is physically. Our eyes – our eye contact betrays our
emotions. So sometimes it’s difficult to make appropriate eye contact. Aim for
about five seconds of eye contact at a time with brief glances away from the
person or the people you’re addressing. Too much eye contact and you’re
intimidating. But too little eye contact can make you look like you’re hiding
something. Now pasture and stance – consider how you carry yourself. Do you
maintain an open posture with your head held high and your shoulders
comfortably back? Do you convey ease and confidence? Are you closed off?
Do you have your arms crossed in front of you? Are your shoulders rounded?
For Americans, about an arm length is about normal distance for person to
person communication. But beware of cultural differences also. Remove
barriers such as desks or tables for the most effective interpersonal
communication. Eye level relationships – this refers to the physical level of your
eye to eye communication. Are you higher than the person you’re speaking
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with? A higher position is typically perceived as one of authority, while a level
position is best for mutual communication. Try to place yourself at the same
physical eye level as the person you’re speaking with. Your appearance – what
do you communicate with your physical appearance? Even if you’re not in the
greatest physical shape, you can still present a polished image with proper
grooming and wardrobe. Consider the clothes you choose, the polish on your
shoes, the cleanliness of your uniform, suit, or outfit. Stride – how quickly or
slowly do you move about the workplace? Do you move comfortably with a
confident yet relaxed stride? Or do you move quickly with tension and stress in
your body? Finally, consider your touch. Handshake is the most common form
and one of the most acceptable forms of touch in the workplace. And handshake
can create an instant perception of a person’s personality or confidence level. Is
your handshake firm and confident, but not overbearing? As you can see,
there’s a lot to consider. The nonverbal and how they relate to our assertiveness
can communicate a lot more than anything that we say. And see, we’ve got to
remember that we cannot not communicate. Our body is always going to be
saying something, and the nonverbal give away the clues to how we feel. And in
fact if we’re saying we’re very happy and frowning, and our pasture is closed, the
message doesn’t match. And oftentimes, people will believe our body over our
words any time. So remember that gaining attention is the first step of any
communication, and nonverbal action can certainly accomplish this.
[End of recording.]
Assertive Skills Module 2 Page 1
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS MODULE TWO – FOUR R’S OF ASSERTION Module Two – Four R's of Assertion. While we’re looking at assertive communication,
we need to look at how to be assertive. And while we may logically select the
proper choices in becoming assertive, our development as an assertive manager
needs to be found as more than a choice that can be challenged by emotion on a
day to day basis. It must be founded on the belief system in which assertation
has its foundations. If your spoken words are mechanical or insincere, they’re
going to be worthless. So to be effective as an assertive manager, you have to
expand your belief system – include the principles upon which assertive
managers ultimately become dependent. That belief system is epitomized in the
four R’s of assertion. The four R’s are Respect for yourself and others; Rights of
yourself and others; Responsibility of yourself to others; and Rational thinking.
So let’s start by looking at the first R – Respect for yourself and others. Self-
respect is the basis of all our relationships. If you have low self-respect or low
self-esteem, it’s very difficult for you to be respectful of others, and it is equally
unlikely that others will respect you. Others will treat you as you see yourself
being treated. Children get their self-esteem from external sources, usually
parents, teachers or relatives. When a child does something well, he or she is
rewarded with praise over time and develops a sense of self-worth or self-
esteem. By the time we are adults, our self-esteem is intrinsic from internal
sources. It’s not an event in and of itself that affects our self-esteem, but the
intrinsic reaction to an event. In other words, if the event is getting laid off, it isn’t
getting laid off that affects our self-esteem. It’s our internal reaction to getting
Assertive Skills Module 2 Page 2
laid off. We might think, oh, I must not be good enough to be kept around. They
were probably looking for a way to get rid of me anyway. The problem is, what
we think of ourselves affects what others think of us. If we think we are good
enough to be retained as an employee, if we don’t think we’re good enough to
get retained as an employee, how are we going to get a new job? The good
news is you can increase your self-esteem, and therefore increase yourself
respect. There are several components of increasing your self-esteem. Take a
look at this list here as well as the list in your handout, rejecting perfectionism.
We need to reduce having to think that we have to be perfect. It’s okay to be
good. It’s okay to want to be better. But being perfect is never attainable. We
want to have realistic expectations, really knowing what we can accomplish, and
what is realistic for us. We want to limit our TV viewing and be selective of the
programs that we do watch. Our brain is a sponge, and if we put negativity in,
we’re going to get negativity out. We want to concentrate on strengths – not
weaknesses. We want to make our strengths better and our weaknesses
irrelevant. Too often we spend our time trying to get better at things that really
aren’t our strengths, and we keep our eye on the hole in the donut instead of
what we have. We need to engage in positive self-talk. This means eliminating
the I can’t, or I’m not good enough, or they don’t like me, or it won’t work for me.
We need to start programming ourselves for success. We can do it. We have
the ability. If they can do it, I can do it. We want to view your employment role
positively. I understand we may not all love our jobs, but we still need to be
positive about the environment that we’re in. And of course engage in lifelong
Assertive Skills Module 2 Page 3
learning. We can’t change old thoughts be recirculating the old thoughts. The
only way to change old thoughts is to replace them with new thoughts, and the
only way to get new thoughts is we have to be learning. Of course we want to
avoid the tyranny of shoulds. Don’t let people should on you. Should is a value
judgment. You should do this, you shouldn’t do that. Substitute the word could
for should, and emphasize it as a choice. I could do that, and then follow the
statement with I will or I won’t. And this allows you to stay in charge of your life
and act by choice rather than reaction. Of course exercise – and it’s more than
just weight loss or better muscle tone. The key word here is endorphins because
these chemicals are the positive impact on the body and the mind. And of
course reject better-than thinking. We want to avoid putting ourselves where we
believe we’re better than somebody else. We’re all people. We’re all born of the
same material, we all breathe the same oxygen, we all eat the same food. We
are equal. So we want to avoid the better-than thinking, which often causes
those challenges. The second R of the four R’s is Rights of yourself and others.
Many times our self-development and assertiveness training is hindered by
thinking that others’ rights always come before our own. As children we are
taught to let other kids play with our toys, to share our candy. And we’re
encouraged to let guests in our home to have first dibs on everything because it’s
the polite thing to do. That mindset of putting others’ needs first sticks with us as
we grow up. What are your rights as a person, as a manager, or as a leader of
the organization? Well sometimes we put our rights behind others because of
this thinking. We have ten basic personal rights, and these are listed in your
Assertive Skills Module 2 Page 4
handout as well as on the screen here, is to express your beliefs, opinions, to be
in charge of your own life, to be able to change, to be less than perfect. It’s okay
if you’re not perfect. To act, think and feel without explaining or justifying; to
decide if it’s your role to solve others’ problems; choose your own behavior,
thoughts, feelings, and attitude to make your own decisions, to evaluate yourself
independently, and to refuse to worry about those things you cannot control.
Now the third R in the four R’s of ascertain is Responsibility for yourself and
others. Rights and responsibilities go hand in hand. How do you balance the
two? Let’s take a look at that here in a moment. But assertiveness becomes
aggression when it is used without concern or responsibility towards others, their
situations, or their feelings. As a manager, it’s important to remember that you’re
responsible to employees by being clear about expectations and consequences,
but you are not responsible for the choices that the employee makes. See,
assertiveness can happen when our responsibility to our self is balanced with our
responsibility to others. The key terms here are to others and not FOR others.
The rights and responsibility worksheet in your handout will help you walk
through this to be able to balance those two. Let’s take a look at the first one
here. I have the right to go ahead on my own job, in my own way – excuse me. I
have the right and responsibility to go ahead with my own job in my own way
when objectives and constraints have been clarified. Absolutely you have that
right. But with that comes a responsibility. And that responsibility is staying with
the limits that have been established. What else? There might be other limits
there. Perhaps there’s budgetary limits. Perhaps there’s time limits. Perhaps
Assertive Skills Module 2 Page 5
there’s other constraints. You want to fill in the responsibility. Now if you’re
following along in your handout, let’s take a look at the second one. You have
the right to have a role in selecting the people that you manage. Absolutely, as a
manager, you do have that right. But with that right becomes the responsibility to
understand the process in how to effectively select them. So we want to balance
rights and responsibilities. And this will help us to stay and remain an assertive
communicator. Now let’s look at the fourth R of assertion. It’s Rational thinking.
Not all learned lessons are found in fact. All things that we think about need to
be challenged or reevaluated depending on the present situation and
responsibilities. This last R is intended to shed light on how irrational beliefs can
lead to negative consequences, and to refocus on how using rational thoughts
can contribute to positive outcomes. Now psychological research tells us that it
is not the event itself that hurts us, but our response to it. Like the example of
getting laid off, many behavioral psychologists use a method called ABCs of
Rational Thinking. This was first developed by Dr. Robert Albert Ellis. And it’s a
way to pull apart and analyze events that took place and our reaction to those
events as well as the consequences. So let’s take a look at that. A refers to the
Activating event. In other words, what do you think happened? What started
things off? And what would the camera see? What actually happened is A. B
refers to your Beliefs about the activating event. What did you tell yourself about
the event after it happened? What are your feelings or reactions that you thought
about? And C refers to the Consequences – how did you react to your
perception of that event? What behaviors did you display? What did you think
Assertive Skills Module 2 Page 6
about it? What consequences occurred? So let’s take a look at a couple of
examples here to better understand this. Let’s meet Robert, a young man who
tends to doubt himself. Robert imagines that other people don’t like him very
much, and that they’re not very friendly to him, and the only reason they talk to
him is because they feel sorry for him. One day on a lunch break, Robert passes
a coworker in the hallway. He smiled at the coworker and says hello. The
coworker doesn’t return his greeting. Robert reacts negatively. So let’s take a
look and break this down into the ABC components. A is the coworker passed
Robert in the hall without acknowledging him. B is his belief or the activating
event. So in this case, Robert has the following thoughts: He’s ignoring me; he
doesn’t like me; I could end up without friends forever, and that would be terrible;
for me to be happy and feel worthwhile, I need people to like me; nobody wants
to be my friend; I must be a worthless person. C is focusing on the
consequences. Because of Robert’s irrational feelings about the event, he feels
worthless or depressed. As a result, Robert’s behavior changes. He starts to
avoid people in general. Someone with self-confidence would think more
rationally and would react in a totally different way. So let’s take a look at
Thomas and see how his thought process produces his reaction. Our activating
event A is the exact same as Robert’s – the coworker passes Thomas in the
hallway without acknowledging him. Thomas’s beliefs about the event are, well
he didn’t ignore me deliberately; he must not have heard me; he might have had
something on his mind; maybe he needs help with something. The ultimate
consequence from this rational thought is that Thomas is concerned about his
Assertive Skills Module 2 Page 7
coworker and he actually calls his coworker to see how he’s doing. See, this
example shows two different ways of reacting to the same event. It can lead to
different consequences and behaviors. The irrational consequences and
behaviors are counterproductive, while those based in rational thought lead to
enhanced relationships and counter productivity. Certainly these examples may
be extreme opposites. However, they bring us back to the point that this is
important to remember the following: think rationally. Remember that not
everyone reacts to the event in the same way. If an event causes an irrational
reaction in you, stop and analyze the consequences and beliefs behind the
consequences. Once you shed rational light on it, on an irrational response, you
can move forward productively rather than letting irrational emotions wreak havoc
and cause potentially devastating consequences. Now let’s tie this back to our
early discussion about passive and aggressive communicators. Neither pacifists
– excuse me, neither passive nor aggressive communicators would think
rationally in the above scenario. A passive communicator is likely to think like
Robert. Someone doesn’t like me; it’s over; is horrible. An aggressive
communicator might go something like, “I can’t believe he just ignored me. Who
does he think he is? What did I ever do to him?” And would have a totally
different reaction. Or the aggressive communicator might confront the coworker
on the spot. Certainly neither one of these would produce a very productive
relationship. So as you can see, what we discussed so far, becoming assertive
is a very personal matter. It requires a different action plan for each person
because it’s based on the foundation that you currently have. If you put your own
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action plan together will require some homework. A good start is to walk through
some of the exercises in this handout and begin thinking about how you might be
a little more assertive. In what situations can you be a little less passive and a
little more assertive, or a little less aggressive and a little more assertive?
[End of recording.]
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