In my sweet little Alice blue gown

By Beatrice Becette

Those days I lost myself in the sweet tease of Edith

Day and her Alice blue gown. I studied myself in the mirror,

watched my flat chest get swallowed in the gaps of my

mother’s bra. I examined myself from side to side, sucking

in and pushing out my chest, hoping to fill out the dark

shadows between the lace and my flesh.

And I’d whisper so softly, hoping with every word that

Edith’s world would become my reality.

When I first wandered down into town

I was twelve when I got my first bra. I stood in the

dressing room, tags scratching against my ribs. The bra was

pink, not like my mother’s, but smooth and soft as my

pillow. I loved the way my body glowed in the light. I loved

the way my curves clung to my fragile frame. I had finally

found it, I thought. I had finally found my Alice blue gown.

I was both proud and shy, as I felt every eye

And in every shop window I primped passing by

Becette 1

I was no longer pretty. I was beautiful.

I watched myself in the windows on my way to class, in

awe of the movements of my body and the flow of my form.

And I shivered as I felt every eye on me. My father

watched me with a distant light in his eyes, my mother with

a sadness I didn’t understand.

Then in manner of fashion, I'd frown

The Beatles “I Want You” pierced the summer air.

“Where you going honey?” he said. Through the corner of

my eye I could see my reflection in the shiny exterior of

the black car.

“Hey, where you going sweetie?” he said. “Can I come

with?” My body stopped but my brain ran.

I searched my mind for Edith’s words. Where was there a

warning? Where was there an escape? The dryness of panic

filled my mouth as I realized there wasn’t one.

And then I saw the smile.

And the world seemed to smile all around

Everyone smiled.

Hey pretty girl, he said. Wanna play, baby? they said.

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It wasn’t long until my bra straps left marks on my

shoulders, that the weight was far too much for me to

handle.

'Til it wilted, I wore it, I'll always adore it

Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days. The

days when I watched myself in the mirror, hoping to fill in

the gaps. I wish I could go back and turn off the music,

that I could warn myself of the numbness of the Alice blue

gown. The numbness of womanhood.

And now I stand, studying my body in the mirror. All I

can see is them. The smiles. I wonder if it will always be

that way, if my body will ever be mine again.

So this is it, I think. I have finally found my Alice

blue gown.

Becette 3