adrian the cheery buffalo: recipes, tea blends and cocktails!

7/28/2019 Adrian the Cheery Buffalo: recipes, tea blends and cocktails!

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Adrian the

Cheery Buffalo:

The recipe book

Hope Chow and Ho Shermine

Guest editor:Esabella Koh



Copyright © 2010 Hope Chow

All rights reserved.

ISBN:ISBN-13:



DEDICATION

There are many people without whom I think my life would bequite miserable-. Some of them were responsible for some of the

ideas in the sitcom. Some of them even wrote the sitcom withme.

Thanks, guys.



\\\FOREWORD

The Sitcom was born on a boring Friday afternoon and

soon blossomed into a growing number of sync.in

documents and thousands of lines of dialogue and

purple prose. The characters were derived mostly from

our classmates and, in some cases, mutual friends.

Having assigned jobs and workplaces for them, the

characters morphed into more than the people they

were based on. As is common for unplanned works like

this, the characters started growing on their own.

The characters have now become complex enough to

warrant their own cocktails and tea blends. These

beverages represent the personalities of the

characters as portrayed in the sitcom.

This recipe book is entirely based on imagination andvague past experience, so please don’t blame us if

you find a drink which tastes weird. In some cases,

they ARE meant to taste weird anyway.

Have fun, and heed the pathology department’s

advice! After all, they do know best.



The recipe book

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

There’s Shermine, who suggested this whole thing in thefirst place.

Also, political auntie Esabella contributed (her madness).

And our bartender, Huijie.

Thanks to everyone who features as a character in thesitcom for not suing us for defamation (yet?).

i



\\\CHAPTER ONE

ALCOHOL RECIPES- Bibo ergo sum- I drink, therefore I

am

(compiled/created by Shermine)

Drink plenty of water when you drink alcohol, don’t

drink on an empty stomach and don’t drive after

having drunk (assuming you even know how to drive)!

-message from the pathology and police departments

SARAH:

What do y’all want?

SHERMINE and SARA-ANN look up.

SHERMINE:

If it’s edible and doesn’t have bleach, I’ll take it. Oh, it’ll be better

if it has alcohol.

SARA-ANN:

Anything that has potato in it.

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The recipe book

Amsterdamned (Sarah)Chocolate liqueur, Irish cream, coffee liqueur,

champagne , and orange juice. Basically, a mix of

everything she sells. Add equal amounts of Irish

cream, coffee liqueur and orange juice with a little

chocolate liqueur and shake well. Add champagne and

garnish with mint. Sprightly with a taste of a cafe-styledrink.

Argentine-style Bellini (Shermine)

Mostly peach nectar with champagne or otherwise dry

sparkling white wine. Simply served and very sweet.

You don’t tend to notice you’re drunk until... well,

you’re drunk. Expect the unexpected.

Fireworks, Chocolate Candy (Esabella)

Fireworks - Mostly champagne, with a tinge of gin and

tangerine schnapps. Pour into champagne flute and

garnish with orange. Light and tangy, but if you go too

much on the gin it goes crazy.Chocolate Candy - Chocolate liqueur, vanilla schnapps,

creme de cacao, vodka, half-and-half. Shake even

amounts together with a cocktail shaker half filled with

ice. Stir, pour into a chilled cocktail glass and serve.

Think candy.

Marilyn Monroe (Vernetta)

A base of champagne, a little apple brandy, and a

twist of grenadine syrup. Pour into a champagne

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Adrian the Cheery Buffalo

saucer and serve with two cherries on a stick.

Feminine and doesn’t seem like something normally

found at the bar.

Original Sin, Valencia #2 (Hope)

Original Sin - Mix triple sec, brandy, cherry liqueur,

sweet and sour mix, and a dash of grenadine syrup

into a brady snifter or goblet. Top with a lot of

champagne, throw in some citrus fruits, and serve.

Leaves a twangy aftertaste, courtesy of our wonderfulfriend, citric acid.

Valencia #2 - Shake apricot brandy, orange juice, and

orange bitters with ice and strain into chilled

champagne flute. Fill to top with champagne and

garnish with flamed orange peel. Tropical and tangy,

for those who’d like to mask the taste of alcohol.

80’s Berry Wine cooler (Sristi)

Fruity with a taste of sugar and carbonated. Equal

amounts of any berry juices mixed, then add 7-Up and

white wine in the ratio of 1(for all the berry juices

mixed):3:2. Pour white wine into a tall wine glass, top

with 7-Up, add juice mixture and serve.

Alexandra #2 (Jinyao)

Cognac, orange liqueur, white creme de cacao,

whipping cream, and a teaspoon of egg yolk. Shake

and serve chilled. Looks hard, hits hard. Will definitely

knock some people out. For the impressively twitchy.

Almond Hot Chocolate (Radiya)

Dark rum and mostly hot chocolate. Add a little orgeat

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The recipe book

syrup and mix in a pousse cafe glass. Good for a cold

day out at the park, but only if you’re willing to carry a

cup around. Good old “sticking to tried and true”.

Amaretto Colada (Xingyue)

Blend white rum, ameretto almond liqueur, more

pineapple juice and whipping cream with crushed ice.

Garnish with pineapple slice of cherry and serve in a

pina colada glass. Classic cocktail, but with an original

almond twist.

Arrowhead (Michelle)

Dark rum, lime juice, creme de bananes and peach

liqueur with a base of lemonade. Kicks you in the face

when you least expect it to, like an oldie, then runs off

before you even knew it happened.

Anaconda, Apache (Huijie)

Anaconda - Irish cream, coco rum, whipped cream,

dark creme de cacao and green creme de menthe.

Pour on the rocks and sprinkle with copious amounts

of cayenne peppers. Dark and sluggish, but spicy.

Apache - Layer the ingredients in a pousse-cafe glassin the following order: coffee liqueur, Irish cream,

melon liqueur. Dramatic, what with its distinct layers.

It’s up to you if you want to mix it before drinking.

Arizona Sunset, Arizona Sunrise (Cheng Hang)

B-2 (Aaheli)

6




///CHAPTER TWO

TEA RECIPES (divided by location)

There are few hours in life more agreeable than the

hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon

tea.

- Henry James

When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for,

when nobody needs you, that’s when I think life is

over.- Audrey Hepburn

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The recipe book

HUILIN:

You! You guys!

There is a shocked silence, marred only by the whirring of the

printer. The forensic team look at the people they associate with

flowers and food and wonder why they are so angry.

HOPE:

(lost) Do you want a cup of tea?

HUILIN:

No! We want to find out why y’all sent us... body parts!

SARAH:

(belatedly) Yeah!

8




Police Department

After an afternoon of dedicated Facebook surfing, INSYIRA

manages to find out where FANGFANG lives. RADIYA is drinking

coffee almost compulsively, watching people work. She is

nervous, because they are planning a stakeout and stakeouts arealways hard to pull off, possibly because people say hi to them at

the last minute. And also because it’s the police. They never

succeed when it comes to stakeouts.

Cheng Hang- ginseng, red date, chrysanthemumBrewing instructions: Serve with honey.

Firmly traditional, although that doesn’t stop this tea

from being forgiving, not to mention soothing for the

throat. Perhaps not with Shermine’s blend, though.

Sara-Ann- peppermint, sour plum

Brewing instructions: Preferably served iced and with

anything potato-related.

While not everyone will appreciate this combination,

there is no denying that this tea is quirky andrefreshing. Perfect for clarifying overly complicated

situations and for hot days.

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The recipe book

Radiya- English breakfast, blood orange

Brewing instructions: Serve steaming hot, perhapswith a squeeze of lemon.

Let’s just go by the book, shall we? There’s always

paperwork to be done and records to be corroborated-

and perhaps, just this once, the stakeout will go fine. A

bit tart and quite by-the-book.

Insyira- chocolate chai, passionfruit/mango

Brewing instructions: Best served cold.

By far the strangest of the lot- for a tea, that is- but

cheerful and humourous. Brings to mind Bounce cheat

sheets and squished cockroaches.

Shermine- tieguanyin （（（（（, danggui （当）归 slices

Brewing instructions: Requires careful brewing. The

way to do it is to prepare steaming hot tea- while stillsteaming, dump in as many danggui slices as you can

take. Leave to steep for about 5 minutes, or until liquid

becomes completely opaque.

Not a tea for the unaccustomed- not just in taste, but

in steroid content. Tip: If you find your nose is starting

to bleed, go easy on the danggui.

10




Delivery person- assam, black tea

Brewing instructions: Just 5 minutes with boiling water

will do.

This is not a pleasant tea. It mystifies more than

clarifies. It delivers strange sealed boxes containing

things you don’t want into places where you least

want them. And then it laughs awkwardly and runs

away. You can’t even avoid it, because it’s a delivery.

Police Department special blend- earl grey, blood

orange, blueberry (or rooibos?)

Brewing instructions: Steep just long enough for the

rooibos to NOT blow you out of your seat.

Experimentation may be required.

Like the law they (try to) uphold, the police

department’s special blend is earthy and sometimes

sensible, but always clumsy.

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Pathology Department/Morgue

The receptionist directed her here, and this doesn’t really look

like a place where professional, state of the art work goes on. The

morgue is indeed a dismal place (in parts). The ventilation is

patchy and doesn’t always work, so there are patches of mouldon the ceiling. Then the fridges are, disturbingly, held together

with duct tape. All around there is a smell of Dettol. At the sound

of her arrival, people poke their heads out from the offices and, in

HOPE’s case, from behind a fridge door.

The Pathology Department is one of the key locations

in the sitcom, but is located, inconspicuously, in thebasement of an unnamed Hotel 81. Well, just so you

know. Wi-Fi is free, by the way.

Zhiyang- orange peel, red date, licorice （甘草）

Brewing instructions: Nothing fussy. The way to do it is

to plonk the ingredients in a cup or teapot and pour

boiling water over. Steep for as long as you like.

A clean, sensible tea. Strictly no nonsense. She can tell

you the exact population of China down to three

significant figures, as well as obscure legislations inSingapore law. She knows lots of useful things and

takes notes about everything. Similarly, her tea is

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useful for scratchy throats and unhappy hearts.

Rachel- black tea (70%), peach juice (30%)Brewing instructions: If served cold, tonic water is

recommended for added interest.

This tea gives the initial impression of stability- don’t

be fooled. This tea has surprising flavours. She may

give strange suggestions, but sometimes hersuggestion do have merit to them. For example, she

knows a lot more about what primary school children

like than do forensic pathologists. Or perhaps it’s just

this one.

Hope- earl grey (50%), blackberry tea (30%),

lemonade/orange fizzy drink (20%)

Brewing instructions: Nothing fussy. Should be served

cold.

Not quite the most original blend, but cheerful and

courteous on most occasions. A sunny tea whichnevertheless manages to be awkward.

Beatrice- black tea (20%), cranberry (40%), citron

green/lemon (40%)

Brewing instructions: Dried cranberries are nice but

their sugar content will make this tea quite sweet,

which is not what we want! Do use proper cranberry

tea or fresh cranberries if available.

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The recipe book

This tea is not a tame tea. It is tart and possibly bitter

if steeped too long. It’s all right, really. Just don’t

contaminate any evidence and wear your sterilegowns the right way round, and it’ll be fine.

Hotel special blend- tieguanyin （（（（（, imitation

longjing, random leaves and twigs

Brewing instructions: Hardy enough to withstandwhatever temperature of water. Probably even

superheated steam would do the trick.

A very weird, if cheap, blend of flavours. The kind

which would be dumped in free teabags to be placed

in hotel rooms... and the morgue (it removes the

smell.). Apparently if you soak your feet in this, it not

only removes the foot-stink, it also kills all known

bacteria and fungi. Perhaps the pathology department

knows something everyone else doesn’t...

14




Criminals and victims

SARA-ANN:

We’re making an arrest warrant for Fangfang... for endangering

public health by picking her nose!

CHENG HANG:

Shh! We changed it, remember? (To RADIYA) We’re arresting her

for sending body parts without cushioning through the mail!

Our sitcom contains at least one serial killer, one

narcoleptic spammer and two murder victims.

However, the serial killer likes to hug people and thespammer doesn’t mean it when she spams the police

department. Truly criminals? Probably not. We also

make up our own laws, such as sending body parts in

the post. Who knew that was illegal?

Fangfang- pear, oolong, wolfberries

Brewing instructions: Brew at 70-80˚C. Steep sliced

pear and wolfberries along with other ingredients.

Fangfang is not your usual serial killer. She’s not the

cold-hearted, cruel type. In fact, she likes to hugeveryone! Perhaps that’s why she’s so hard to catch.

She is also fond of sending body parts in the post,

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The recipe book

which can be extremely annoying, especially when

they get lost in the post.

Fangfa- Lipton red tea, special hotel blend

Brewing instructions: Use water as hot as you can get

it, because this tea is practically indestructible.

The characterless kind of stuff you can find anywhere.

It doesn’t even taste good! Fangfa, is, after all, ahapless random passerby.

Grace- white tea, cucumber, dried fig （无花果）

Brewing instructions: Brew at about 70˚C- the white

tea cannot withstand very hot water. And yes, we do

mean cucumbers.

Clean and colourless- until you get to the rich

sweetness of dried fig. This tea seems to, like

Xingyue’s, know more than it should.

Sara-Ann’s doppelgänger- imitation oolong with

rock sugar

Brewing instructions: Well, if anything, rock sugar

might mask the bitterness of the imitation oolong.

Brings to mind vague memories, hazy dreams and

half-forgotten smells. Description may sound exotic

but it really isn’t. The thing is, the doppelgänger was

only there as a murder victim. It’s difficult to do

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character development on a dead body.

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The gynaecologist’s clinic

AAHELI:

Well! I got a tip from an unknown source saying that there were

cases of parthenogenesis- in Singapore! So, what do you know

about that?

SRISTI:

Parthenogenesis?!

AAHELI:

Yes, that. Virgin births, you know, things like that. What do you

know?

SRISTI: (still incredulous and also very blatantly ignoring AAHELI’s

question)

Parthenogenesis?! All of my patients’ foetuses have male

parents!

Well, that was an awkward way of phrasing it.

Sristi- cinnamon, allspice, ginger

Brewing instructions: Serve with milk and sugar. You

are, of course, welcome to add more ginger for a

bigger kick.

Comforting and soothing for the stomach, but with a

kick when you least expect it. Always sensible even in

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the face of unrelenting insanity.

Yuli- green tea (50%), jasmine (30%), sweet orange(20%)

Brewing instructions: Nothing fussy.

Another one of those insanely patient people who

never lose their temper even in the face of manic

tabloid journalists.

Vernetta- apple, chamomile, berry blast/apricots

Brewing instructions: Steeping times may vary.

Soothing and sweet and generally relaxing. The berry

blast, as its name implies, might be explosive, as

Verne is sometimes unintentionally violent. No

caffeine for the pregnant and the caffeine-conscious.

Julia- chai (60%), chilli (10%), cloves (30%)

Brewing instructions: You can always leave out the

chilli. I’m not sure how you’d add that in anyway.

She might burn with her burning, often misdirected

wit. She’s a strong character.

Gynaecologist’s clinic special blend- ginger (60%),

chai (40%)


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The recipe book

Professional but comforting, just like our illustrious

gynaecologist and her assistant. Brings to mind cosy

rooms with comfy sofas and soft furnishings. Suitable

for pregnant women and scary situations, if chai isyour thing.

20




The bar

Sometimes, you just don’t feel like making your pinky

shorter. Also, it’s the place where everything began!

WHEN EVERYONE’S SQUEEZING AROUND ONE TABLE AT THEBAR. And MICHELLE is trying to persuade people to move to

another table but no one wants to move because we’re all terribly

lazy and a bit strange like that. HUIJIE comes over with an

overloaded tray in hand.

Huijie- darjeeling/earl grey with a dash of alcohol

Brewing instructions: Steep darjeeling/earl grey for

about 5-7 minutes until deep brown and strong.

Dignified, strong-headed, and of course it contains

alcohol. Best knocked back on cold winter days from a

thermos flask. Even better if you have a handlebarmoustache, but that’s optional.

Cecilia- black tea, hibiscus flowers, lime


It may look blur. It may look like nothing much.

Occasionally, though, when the time is right, it can be

a very good tea.

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The recipe book

Charmaine- mango, green tea

Brewing instructions: Nothing fussy. Best served incolourful porcelain mugs.

A bouncer only in name. This tea packs a powerful

aroma, but won’t really hurt anyone, instead being

quite gentle and cheery (like the titular buffalo).

Michelle Lim- white leaf tea/snowbud (60%),

strawberry (40%)

Brewing instructions: Brew at about 70˚C.

Expensive and delicate and all that. If nothing else,

good for pouring into fancy little teacups and enjoying

with the tai-tai special blend.

Esabella- red tea, chocolate chips/hot chocolate

chocolate (or chocolate chai), milk (aka teh peng with

chocolate)Brewing instructions: To be served with more milk

than tea, plenty of sugar and iced. Go strong on the

milk and chocolate!

The word for this tea is exuberant: it is sweet and rich

and outspoken and possibly will whack you over the

head if you fuss over it too much. Could be a tad over

the top, if you really go mad with the sugar.

22




Ka Ying- yuanyang （（（)

A surprisingly non-aggressive drink! Tea, but with the

smell of coffee (it is actually tea WITH coffee, just soyou know) Oooh I like this :D

The Cheery Buffalo special blend- black tea,

grapefruit, forest berries


The bar is open to one and all, save a destructive,

disturbing - yes, you heard that right- or careless few.

The bartenders are attentive and accommodating

while the bouncer doesn’t actually injure anyone, but

looks scary. A place where you would want to hang out

again and again.

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The dessert parlour

The group troops into SARAH’s, mostly happy because RADIYA is

treating them.

SARAH:Oh, hello. What do y’all want?

RACHEL:

Why d’you sound so unhappy!

IN UNISON WITH

SARA-ANN:

To speak with you, mostly. About a customer who should look

exactly like me.

SARAH:

Should?

ZHIYANG:We haven’t got the head yet.

RADIYA:

I want chocolate lava cake, thanks!

Everyone’s favourite hangout place after the bar,

mostly because there’s chocolate lava cake and icecream! Located somewhere where bungalows abound.

Don’t worry about leaving your things in the parlour-

there’s nothing worth stealing in there which is not

24




bolted to the floor and all wannabe thieves in the area

know that. It also helps that the police team visit the

place very often.

Sarah Yao- apple (40%), rosehip OR dewy cherry

(cherry, rosehips, marigold flowers) (40%), green tea

(20%)


Not quite sweet per se, but pleasant. She may ignore

you when you order brownies, but she’s generally

understanding and kind. Generally. Just don’t hurt her

feelings, and don’t be too weird.

Dessert parlour special blend- hot chocolate

(30%), hazelnut (black tea, roasted hazelnuts) (70%)

Brewing instructions: Not quite a tea per se! If you

really want to, though, you can be like Adagio.com and

replace hot chocolate with black tea and chocolate

bits.

Tastes mostly like a rich brownie. If you can’t find

hazelnuts, try toasted almonds. Meant to reflect what

the desserts in Sarah’s parlour typically taste like.

Could be nice made into a float.

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The architecture firm

GRACE, EDITH and XINGYUE are present in a room of the

architecture firm, where the architects like to practice their

interior design skills (or lack thereof, in the case of XINGYUE).

EDITH:

My architects have thought about it, and this is the proposed

design for the dungeon- technically it doesn’t come under the

domains of our firm, but some of our architects are also trained in

interior design...

Thank goodness GRACE doesn’t mind creepy. XINGYUE’s tastes in

interior design do not necessarily appeal to everyone. There are

beds in the least expected places, and what looks disturbingly

like a dead body. Come to think of it, it probably is a dead body.

XINGYUE moves the body aside, but it does not feel like a fake

one.

Edith- ceylon, mango, strawberry

Brewing instructions: nothing fussy.

Slightly quirky, musical and cheerful- but bright. Very

bright. She places high standards as a boss, but rest

assured she’ll make sure you’ll never work hungry(neither will she).

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Xingyue- raspberry (40%), hojicha (60%)

Brewing instructions: Nothing fussy

The thing is, she knows things normal architects don’tbother to find out. Some of the things she talks about,

normal people don’t know. This tea has mysterious,

smoky undertones under a bright façade and

knowledge of serial killings past and present. Okay, so

maybe not the tea, but close enough.

Si-yan- Rooibos

Brewing instructions: I’m not actually sure how to brew

rooibos.

Down to earth, somewhat reserved. May not suit

everyone. A tad awkward.

Architecture firm special blend- ceylon, sweet

orange, green tea


Architects have their feet firmly on the ground. They

have to, or important buildings like certain Hotel 81s

will collapse. This is probably a tea all of them would

drink: earthy, smoky but with an underlying thread of

real passion for their jobs.

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Other questionable characters

Some people either work in a place where no one else

works, or don’t work, or just are a bit unclassifiable.

Melissa- green tea, papaya, rose

Brewing instructions: Nothing fussy

Generally aromatic but surprisingly unobtrusive.

Thuy Linh- cherry (30%), vanilla (20%), black tea

(50%)


I wouldn’t call this cheesy, because it isn’t, but it is

quite a colourful tea. Full of character and cheerful.

Nhat Linh- decaf black tea, vanilla

Brewing instructions: May be served with sugar to

attempt a sugar rush.

Inoffensive but mystifying. Uh- no. It’s not code. May

clash with the pathology and police departments.

28




Huilin- green tea, osmanthus, jasmine

Brewing instructions: Osmanthus can be

overpowering. Brew at about 80˚C. Serve with honey if

desired.

Floral, sweet and fragrant. This tea tends to be a little

overenthusiastic (that’s why you should restrain with

the osmanthus, even though it really smells so good).

May be a little too sweet for some.

Louise Lee- red tea with condensed milk

Brewing instructions: May be served iced or hot. Best

served in a glass mug.

A drink for uncles, which, all things considered, is

oddly appropriate. A drink to drink with friends in a

coffee shop while chatting loudly and obnoxiously.

Pervy football-and-cat-loving uncle- darjeeling,

instant coffee grounds

Brewing instructions: Mix everything and add boilingwater! Serve with difficult readings on transnational

power and botched essays.

As the only witness to Grace’s murder, he naturally

holds an important role- but he manages to play the

roles of completely unhelpful busybody and concerned

citizen at the same time. Refusing to stay in the

system, he is not a tea- but a coffee. What a

contrarian.

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Michelle Khoo- jasmine, honeysuckle

Brewing instructions: Brew at about 80˚C, I think.

Generally sweet and obliging. I mean, who’d want to

help out the pathology department unless they were

really kind and unselfish (because the promised

peking duck dinners always take a while to come)?

Special tai-tai blend- white needle (80%), rose

(10%), lavender (10%)

Brewing instructions: Brew at about 70˚C.

To be served in small flowery (impractical) cups with

miniature cookies. You could call this a celebration of

what tai-tais are in the sitcom. A delicate, expensive

flavour.

30




The village gossips

AAHELI:

This is so going into my article. I can imagine the headline (draws

imaginary line is the air) - NEW DRINK INVENTED: PAN GALACTIC

GARGLE BLASTER! IT CLEANS YOUR TEETH - WAIT, WHAT TEETH?(AAHELI chuckles to herself - by herself, of course)

There is a general silence around the table before ZHIYANG

points out something of interest.

ZHIYANG:

But you don’t write articles on... food.

Every community needs a good old-fashioned... tabloid

journalist. Good for us- we have two! Though they

haven’t published a single story yet, and Aaheli keeps

getting her ideas rejected, they still dream big and

wonder when they’ll net their big story. They’re quite

a far cry from traditional paparazzi.

Aaheli- sour plum, lemongrass, green tea

Brewing instructions: Nothing fussy. Can be steeped

for 5-10 minutes.

Her angles and story ideas tend to be unique and

refreshing, like sour plum, but not everyone agrees,

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and who is more important than the editor? She’ll

continue trying, though, until she succeeds.

Meanwhile, she will write rhyming replies to her

rejection letters. Tangy and individual.

Jinyao- liquorice slices, black tea

Brewing instructions: Steep liquorice along with tea

leaves/bag for about 5-10 minutes according to taste.

No sugar needed.

Doesn’t taste like much at first, but opens up,

becoming surprisingly sweet.

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\\\CHAPTER THREEREAL FOOD to go with your drinks!

By guest editor Esabella

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The recipe book

DURIAN CURRY

Ingredients:

About two tablespoons of Maggie curry powder (the

Peranakan one)Durian paste mixed in with coconut milk. Agak-agak

1:2 ratio, one beer mug full. Yes, I was using beer

mugs.

Curry leaves (half a handful-ish)

2 teaspoons of tumeric

A wad of assam. Don't ask how much, I just flicked it inlast minute.

Spam potatoes. Not US potatoes. The ones from China.

Half a large onion

1/2 cube of chicken stock, because I didn't use

chicken. I couldn't find it.

2 tablespoons peanut oil.

1 dollop of peanut butter

1 dollop of kaya (for the pandan smell. Sorry lah, my

house no pandan at that time what.)

Recipe:

1. Chop the onion finely, then fry it along with the

curry leaves in peanut oil until it turns goldeny, BUTDON'T CARAMELISE IT.

2. Skin and dice potatoes. I assume you washed them

first.

3. Dump every ingredient into a pot and fill it 5/8 ish

with water then boil it. If too much water, throw in

more ingredients. If too little, add more water.

4. Be careful the peanut butter and kaya and durian

don't stick to the pot. Keep stirring and add more

water if necessary.

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5. Keep stirring. Don't use an egg-beater even if your

arm is tired. I know, because I've tried it.

6. Once the potatoes are cooked, you're done! Yay!

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The recipe book

///KEY (bar) SCENES Things you don’t really need to know, but which would

be fun to.

WHEN EVERYONE'S SQUEEZING AROUND ONE TABLE AT THE BAR .

And MICHELLE is trying to persuade people to move to

another table but no one wants to move because we're

all terribly lazy and a bit strange like that. HUIJIE

comes over with an overloaded tray in hand.

MICHELLE:

Why don't you want to move! There's so much space over

there!

HUIJIE:

Who ordered the... Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster? And the

sambal prawn nasi lemak? Because we ran out of prawns.

And, uh, bleach.

SRISTI:Because you use that to wash the food... right? At

least, I hope so.

HOPE:

Would certainly come in handy- ooh, handy!- for certain

disembodied body parts. -whips hand out of pocket.- Do

you need a hand?

SHERMINE:Who uses bleach to wash dishes?! Plates-dishes, sure,

but food-dishes?

HUIJIE:

I'm... fine...

The phones of the people involved in the forensic team

go off. Everyone scrambles to get it, shoving each

other with their elbows in the process. The hand falls

to the floor, but no one really notices.

RACHEL:

Huh, another dead person again?

36




SHERMINE:

See you at the police station.

-All relevant people leave scene.-

MICHELLE:

-Looks up from food- Where'd everyone go?

THE BAR

This time, AAHELI and KA YING manage to enter the bar.

Without a suitable distraction for CHARMAINE, LOUISE

is unable to make her way in. The entire police and

forensic team is already there, along with a few other

regulars, such as SRISTI, MICHELLE, and ESABELLA.Again, as usual, the forensic team and the police team

are sitting at one table. There is a bowl of crackers

on the table. SRISTI was the one who paid for it,

actually, but almost everyone is eating from it, except

for those who are drinking, of course.

Present at the table are AAHELI, SRISTI, CHENG HANG,

SARA-ANN, ZHIYANG, RACHEL, KA YING, HOPE, SHERMINE

(intermittently), MICHELLE and ESABELLA.

SRISTI: (while idly eating some crackers)

So, what's new about the case?

AAHELI takes out a pen and poises it over her arm,

ready to get as much news down about this latest

murder case as much as possible.

Ignoring the question (or perhaps not hearing),

SHERMINE orders yet another cocktail - this time anArgentine-style Bellini. She yells to HUIJIE from the

table. Since HUIJIE doesn't seem to be able to hear,

SHERMINE wanders off to the bar. No one notices this.

ZHIYANG:

Someone mailed a head to us.

HOPE:

Through SingPost! Must be from somewhere in Singapore,

because that's the only why anyone would use SingPost.If it was overseas they would use DHL.

AAHELI writes down, 'Singpost' and 'head mailed' on her

arm.

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The recipe book

AAHELI:

Hmm.... (pause) They?

HOPE:Uh- (remembers something just in time) Don't tell you!

(smug)

AAHELI: (pouting)

Fine! Be that way!

SRISTI:

Must've been quite a sight.

HOPE:A pretty sight. (shrugs) I recognised her.

AAHELI doesn't write any of this down because she

doesn't get it. After all, they tend to hold rather

nonsensical conversations. The editor probably

wouldn't approve of it. Here, SHERMINE drifts back,

looking quite contented. It seems like she's managed to

get her Argentine-style Bellini from HUIJIE, no doubt

having had to instruct her how to make one.

SHERMINE:

What did I miss?

RACHEL:

You were away?

MICHELLE: (mildly surprised)

Oh, hello, Shermine! I thought you weren't here!

SHERMINE:

I... wasn't, for the past five minutes.

Everyone ignores the fact that for once, MICHELLE is

actually right about something regarding the presence

of someone. HUIJIE arrives, carrying a bubbling glass

of something which smells suspiciously like bleach.

HUIJIE:Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is here! We just restocked

on bleach.

SHERMINE and SRISTI look suspiciously at the

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bubbling... mass, before returning to whatever they

were eating and drinking beforehand (and by extension

ignoring HUIJIE). HOPE readily accepts the proffered

drink, which causes her to get a disturbed expression

from KA YING.

KA YING:

What sort of... thing is that? Is it even... drinkable?

HOPE rebuts that statement by putting the glass down.

The drink is then taken up by... ESABELLA, who shifts

it to the middle of the table.

HOPE:

You mean potable. And, no, I'm not going to drink it.

AAHELI:

Please tell me that's not bleach.

HOPE:

That's not bleach. (pause) That's rubbish, it is

bleach. (to HUIJIE) Have you seen my hand?

HUIJIE:I found, um, something that looked rather preserved. On

the floor.

HUIJIE passes the hand to HOPE.

HOPE:

Brilliant! (Does a little victory jig)

SRISTI:

So... that was the hand you were talking about?

SARA-ANN:

I thought it was a hand made out of potato! (looks

upset upon realising it's an actual preserved hand)

KA YING starts to listen to her music and is rather

disengaged from the conversation. The glass of... Pan

Galactic Gargle Blaster (which is just a nice way of

saying "bleach"- but with alcohol (100% proof) in it)is still sitting on the table, waiting for some

unsuspecting soul to drink it.

MICHELLE looks up briefly from her iPhone, wondering

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The recipe book

why there are still so many people and why they are

all staring at the innocent-looking glass of liquid in

the centre of the table. She also wonders why it is

bubbling, and decides it is probably due to

effervescence (she is an educated tai tai). She reachesfor it. The fascinated audience sitting around the

table collectively holds their breath. She takes a sip.

There is a collective gasp.

MICHELLE: (spluttering)

EWWW! What is this!

HUIJIE (from the counter):

Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster!

MICHELLE:

Ha ha, very funny Huijie. No, really, what is it?

EVERYONE: (look of utter seriousness and innocence -

yes, at the same time)

IT'S TRUE.

MICHELLE: (looking quite disturbed)

And what would it be made out of...?

AAHELI:

You may want to wash your mouth with water.

KA YING:

Water, not bleach.

Of course, MICHELLE being her usual self doesn't get

this. She shakes her head, seemingly oblivious of the

burning sensations she should be feeling in her mouth.Perhaps HUIJIE had obtained a particularly dilute brand

of bleach. Or maybe MICHELLE just attributed it to the

alcohol. Or both.

SHERMINE:

As long as she doesn't run around doing odd things that

require me to do more for my job, it's alright.

SRISTI:You mean as long as she continues to fund you, don't

you.

SHERMINE:

40




Well, yes, but - psychological research does get rather

expensive, you know. There's the entire thing about

having to use living vic-... um, creatures, in

experiments!

There is an awkward pause around the table as everyone

guesses what SHERMINE was trying to say.

SHERMINE:

Um, well, living specimens tend to be more expensive...

even in bulk. (waves hands around awkwardly by way of

self-explanation) And we need them in bulk. And uh, the

equipment used in human research is expensive!

There are nods of understanding. That aside, let's getback to MICHELLE's little... bleach-y problem.

HUIJIE: (to MICHELLE)

No, really. You probably should go and wash your mouth

now...before your teeth start dissolving. I mean it.

MICHELLE contemplates this for a moment before she runs

off to the toilet. After a pause, SRISTI follows to

make sure she really is all right. She is, after all,the only MD at the table (who deals with living

patients regularly and is actually concerned about

their physical well-being). CHENG HANG, being the

humane soul that she is, follows suit.

Simultaneously, the whole table splutters in laughter.

It probably isn't very nice but none who were left at

the table ever were. That is probably why none of them

work with living patients/people regularly.

RACHEL:

Oh my gosh you guys are so mean! (but she is still

laughing)

SARA-ANN is cackling so hard she can't answer. ESABELLA

is too, except that she's actually laughing, not

cackling. (tsk)

KA YING:It's not like we didn't know that...!

AAHELI:

This is so going into my article. I can imagine the

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The recipe book

headline (draws imaginary line is the air) - NEW DRINK

INVENTED: PAN GALACTIC GARGLE BLASTER! IT CLEANS YOUR

TEETH - WAIT, WHAT TEETH? (AAHELI chuckles to herself -

by herself, of course)

There is a general silence around the table before

ZHIYANG points out something of interest.

ZHIYANG:

But you don't write articles on... food.

SARA-ANN once again bursts into laughter while AAHELI

proceeds to look despondent.

AAHELI:One can always change, you know.

42




///EPILOGUESo why the Sitcom? Why choose people we know and

transform them into quite different characters,something which seems very likely to make enemies

of us all? Then why make beverages out of them?

Those are good questions. Those are the kind of

questions bored university interview panels would ask.

But no! The Sitcom defies logic. It defies practicality

and pretty much snorts in your face if you ask if it’s for

school.

Seriously, just take us at face value. Silliness is hard to

explain.

adrian the cheery buffalo: recipes, tea blends and cocktails!

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