active kids june 2013

•

Products we Love pg. 20Mommy Makeove! Enter Today! pg. 8

6 of Our Favorite Educational Apps pg. 43

FREE

The LOCAL Go To Guide for Busy Families June 2013

pg. 44

Kids & SummeRActivities

pg. 18

H ow Not to be “That Guy”

Father-Daughter boNd eNjoys

a Growth spurtpg. 40

Father-Daughter boNd eNjoys

a Growth spurt

2 ACTIVE KIDS www.activekidsbayarea.com

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June 2013 ACTIVE KIDS 3

Woo Hoo! Summer is here! Not sure about you, but I am one excited Mama! No softball practice and games to rush to, dance classes to fit in, no homework to work on, no school activities to keep track of or school projects to “help” with! Did I mention that I was excited?!

Of course the end of the school year welcomes one busy summer filled with swim team, sleep overs, road trips, summer camp, tutoring and additional ways to keep the kids busy and stimulated during the school break. But just how busy should we keep them? How jam-packed does their summer days really need to be? Where is the balance? Check out Dr. Laura Markham’s article ‘8 Things To Make This The Best Summer Ever With Your Kids’. She is sure to offer some great tips on finding the happy medium.

Are you in need of a Mommy Makeover? New clothes, spa pamper package, new hair style and color? What about a date night with your significant other? Sound good? Be sure to email us at [email protected] and tell us why you want a makeover! TWO winners will be selected at the end of the month! Could be you!

Lastly, this issue is dedicated to all of our hard-working Daddies out there! Wishing you all an amazing Father’s Day!

The LOCAL Go To Guide for Busy Families

FIND US ON

Publisher | EditorTracie Vollgraf

Marketing ManagerCrystal Wigton

Advertising Sales ManagerKaren [email protected]

Heidi Keely [email protected]

Graphic DesignerTeresa Craft

Contributing AuthorsAnnie Jung, M.A., LPCCJD RobertoTom LimbertElizabeth PantleyThomas HallerChick MoormanDr. Laura MarkhamDr. DrexlerDr. Jim TaylorDr. Peggy Drexler

[email protected]

Pg. 24 June Event CalendarPg. 20 Products we LovePg. 34 Kids Meal Deals

Pg. 6 Sibling Bonding

Pg. 8 Mommy Makeover Giveaway

Pg. 10 Because I Said So

Pg. 18 How to Not be “That Guy”

Pg. 22 How to Get Kids to Eat Vegetables

Pg. 30 The Seven Worst Things to Say to Your Kids During a Divorce

Pg. 36 8 Tips to Make This the Best Summer Ever with Your Kids

Pg. 40 Father-Daughter Bond Enjoys a Growth Spurt

Pg. 44 Kids & Summer Activities

June


As parents, we often have idealist dreams of the children being best friends or protectors, confidantes and adventures. Many times their birth order and timelines are planned out in effort to enforce how they may get along better. Then sometimes, reality hits and certain siblings are more like oil and water rather than peanut butter and jelly.

Siblings may not enjoy each other’s company for a variety of reasons such as taking away their place as “the baby” or seeing a sibling receive special attention for different strengths. These jealous-inspired situations can leave one sibling feeling inadequate with the situation but they immaturely target their insecure feelings onto their sibling instead of the situation. Children always want to be the shining one in their parents or peers eyes, so when a sibling outshines them, sibling angst can occur and bonding can stall.

When one sibling has created a “negative filter” that changes their perspective of how their sibling acts, speaks, looks, etc- the relationship can become distant, strained, or even hostile. Parents can begin to help clean out the filter so one sibling who may have been feeling left out, hurt, embarrassed, jealous can begin to see more clearly that each sibling has unique strengths and areas of challenges that is worth bonding over.

• Let each child shine in their own unique talents. Try not to make multiple siblings do the same activities for convenience sake if one truly isn’t passionate and/or talented at it. An athlete and an artist both forced to play soccer every Saturday morning will create unhealthy competition and increase rivalry rather than bonding.

• Teach them how to take turns being each other’s #1 fan. Let the “supporter sibling” create a “Go, Aiden, Go!” banner to hold on the sidelines, or select a bouquet for after sister takes her final bow on stage. Let the supporter sibling choose or create these items and be the one to hand them over to their sibling. This type of activity allows them to find their secure place of supporting and encouraging when they themselves are a spectator rather than in the spotlight.

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When the siblings get a break from each other, ask them, “What is different when McKenzie isn’t here? What do you miss when your baby brother is spending the night at grandmas?” By asking questions, siblings can have the chance to compare and contrast how they feel when sibling is away or present, rather than just take for granted that they will always be around to drive them crazy. Then wrap up with,

by Annie Jung, M.A., LPCC

Sibling BondingHow Do I Get My Kids to Like Each other?


Annie Jung, M.A., LPCC is a mental health counselor specializing in children, teensand families. Her private practice is located in Brentwood, CA. She is also a mother of three, and can be found in the nearest carpool lane. [email protected]

or www.anniejungcounseling.com

“What should we do together when your Marco returns?” Planning an activity can help both siblings transition for “re-entry” rather than spark jealousy or irritation.

• Support Independent Life as well as Sibling Life. This strategy is helpful for both close in age siblings and also those further spread apart. Making sure there is a healthy balance between spending so much time in similar activities (same schools, shared rooms, sports teams, dance classes, same friends, etc) as spending too much time in separate environments because of age or gender gaps. Parents can intentionally create “shared or separate time” to enforce appropriate development of their child’s self-identity as opposed to sibling identity. Siblings bonding occurs when a child feels both secure in themselves individually as well as their inter-sibling relationship.

• Encourage Positive Sharing of Siblings. Parents can ask siblings to take turns highlighting something they saw their sibling excel at, or their favorite characteristic of a sibling. This can be done by drawing pictures, creating computer-made cards, or through conversations. Great moments for this are during vacations, dinnertime, birthday or other milestone celebrations. When one sibling hears or sees in writing that another thinks positively of them, the bond is reinforced and more likely to become reciprocal.

By integrating one or more of the strategies listed above, families can begin to see growth in sibling bonding. All aspects of bonding can deepen or be repaired all any stage of family life, and may need particular priority when big changes happen such as new family addition, divorce, re-marriage, loss, or moving homes or schools. Spending time now supporting your children’s bonding process can reap beneficial bonds for your future family tree.

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My parents didn’t do too much in the way of bribery with us as kids. It was ‘eat your broccoli or you’re going to sit at that table until you fall asleep in your food’ (which I did once or twice). A good, sharp spanking was far more than an idle threat and there was the oft-used though rarely understood “Because I Said So”

conversation ender. This is how things got done back in the day. Even at eight years old I sensed that “because I said so” was an impotent answer, dredged from the recesses of pure exhaustion. But it was also a line in the sand that I didn’t cross because, well, a good, sharp spanking was more than an idle threat.

When I first became a father I was still carrying my eight year old impression of ‘because I said so’ around with me. It’s the un-answer – the one you give when you don’t have a good reason or the patience to explain yourself.

After all, how much can any of us trust the judgment of people who smoked in the house, put glass bottles in the trash, fed us Spaghetti-os, let us walk – unaccompanied- to the mall, never checked us for peanut or gluten intolerance, loved Neil Sedaka and wore the occasional leisure suit.

Now I’m beginning to think their judgment was a good deal better than I gave them credit for — at least when it comes to getting your kids to obey.

I’ve spent my entire life as a parent seeing the other side of the spectrum. There’s not much as sad as a harried mom trying to have an honest-to-God rational debate with a four year old about whether or not it’s time to leave the park. Parenting, for a lot of the adults I’ve seen, is a constant stream of negotiations and appeasements.

And why do we all do this? Simple, bribery works. Every parent knows this to be true. In fact most parents needs it to be true just to get through a day. We don’t always call it bribery, of course, we dress it up in words like negotiation, reward, treat, compromise, special-something. But it all boils down to the same basic kind of coercion. Do what I’m asking you to do and I’ll make it worth your while.

It’s such an accepted part of influencing behaviour that it crops up in ever more disconcerting places in our culture. In some schools, students who improve their state standardized test scores can make $110 – in other schools the financial payoff for good grades start as early as fourth grade. Last summer, Washington DC actually paid kids to show up to summer school. This isn’t some far-flung test program, its institutional in places like Baltimore and

by JD Roberto

because i said so


New York. We’ve somehow become a society in which we believe our children need to be bribed into doing the basics.

I’m as guilty as anyone on this front. My wife and I have spent a lot of our kids young lives bribing them to do what we wanted. Eat this, crap here, nap now, and we’ll give you something nice. There reached a point with our kids where it was no longer a tool for guiding behaviour, it was the tool. That realization has brought me full circle on the whole “because I said so” thing.

Bribery works. But the lesson it teaches is exactly the opposite of what I need my kids to understand about occupying space on this planet. What I really need them to embrace is that you do the things you’re supposed to because they need to be done. Nothing more, nothing less. As an adult, of course, its about a hell of a lot more than just showing up or paying your bills – it’s about who you are in the world.

Now is when my kids need to start learning that acts of decency and kindness are their own reward. Self-sacrifice and altruism do not exist to get you a pat on the back or the admiration of strangers. Like it or not, every one of us makes a daily choice about which side of the ledger we are going live on. Not choosing – because you’re not being properly motivated to do so – means you’re contributing to the mountain of shit and indifference the rest of the world has to slog through every day. You have to choose to do the right thing simply because it’s the right thing. You have to believe that a better world starts with a better you, every day. That has to be enough or no reward ever will be.

When it’s all said and done, if my kids need praise, reward, the promise for heaven or fear of hell to be good people, I’ve failed them.

In the mean time, finish your broccoli and pick up your room. Because I said so.

JD Roberto is a writer and the host of The Better Show, a nationally syndicated TV talk show. His work has been featured in the Los Angeles Times, Parents Magazine

and as a regular contributor to the Huffington Post. His blog can be found at www.thehandsondad.com and followed on twitter @jdroberto.

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You’ve seen him. He eagerly attends his kids’ games (and unfortunately yours’ as well) and suddenly fashions himself the

Vince Lombardi of the grandstands. One minute in, he shakes his head and makes disapproving comments he pretends to keep under his breath. Overcome by his desire to “help” the coach get the best out of his kid (and yours), he screams out reminders colored with frustration and disappointment. Much like an overprotective mother who never allows her child to taste disappointment, he means well and genuinely wants his child to succeed. How do the best of intentions go awry? When does encouragement become pressure? How do you get the best out of a person? All parents, teachers, and coaches are faced with these questions. Let’s take a look at what some of the most successful coaches of all time have learned.

• Start From a Place of Encouragement- It’s so easy to get frustrated. Children give us so many opportunities to discourage behavior. It’s all the more reason to make a conscious effort to be encouraging when you can. Think about your boss and your loved ones and how you like to be treated. When you’re disrespected, does it motivate you and make you want to listen more to that person? Take it from Hall of Fame Oakland Raiders coach, John Madden: “You have to coach, you have to teach, you have to strategize, you have to encourage. That’s what coaching is, not the opposite.”

• Listen- This age-old but oft-forgotten practice works for toddlers as well as teens. Very natural to want to fix everything and spill knowledge, but far more effective to listen enthusiastically. Doc Rivers has a championship ring from the Boston Celtics and a son who is now a pro baller. He describes his paternal role as such: “I’ve always thought my job was to support him. To pick him up when he’s down. And really, try to enjoy it more than coach. If he brings something up, or asks a question, I’ll answer it. But basically I say, ‘Good job.’”

• Lead By Example- You want your children to be healthy, respectful, and value effort? It’s only natural for them to mimic your behavior – use that to your advantage. John Wooden, legendary UCLA Men’s Basketball coach agrees: “Young people need models, not critics.”

• Believe in Your Child- Your children know whether you believe in them

How to Not be “That Guy”

by Tom Limbert


or not. As legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi notes, “Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.” Your trust and belief will fuel their determination and drive.

• Help Children Learn from Mistakes- Like most of parenting, modeling and attitude are key here. Your child will fall, fail, and break down. If you want her to garner the lessons life is teaching her, be there to listen and interpret without judgment and blame. As our men’s olympics basketball Coach K (Duke’s Mike Krzyzweski) attests, “A crisis can be a momentous time for a team to grow – if a leader handles it properly.”

• Praise Effort- The best coaches know that in order to achieve ultimate success, the focus should be on effort and improvement – step by step. Jim Calhoun has won multiple championships in basketball at Uconn and confers: “When you have perfect heart and perfect effort, you can’t ask any more of the kids.”

• Keep Anger and Frustration at Bay- Only natural to feel them at times, but the best leaders know these emotions will only distract from your messages and the lessons learned. Phil Jackson won eleven NBA championships. He concludes, “You know I’ve found, anger is the enemy of instruction.”

• Invite Honesty- Of course parenting isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes we have to gently push and teach. When that time comes, speak confidently and honestly about your shared goals and how the next step will help her get there. Most importantly, help her understand why she wants to get there. Enlisting the power of honesty helped Joe Torre win multiple World Series: “What I try to do is make sense, try to be as honest as I can possibly be, and be able to communicate.”

All of these principles fall under the umbrella of respect. The desire for respect is as natural and innate as our need for water. As parents, we all want our children to learn to respect others – including us. Lenny Wilkens was one of the most successful NBA coaches ever. Take it from him: “If you want it, you’ve got to give it.”

Tom Limbert is a published parenting author and Parent Coach and can be found online at www.parentcoachtom.com. He has been working with young children and their

families since 1992. Tom has a Master’s degree in Education with an emphasis in early childhood development and is the co-creator of Studio Grow. Tom’s book,

Dad’s Playbook: Wisdom for Fathers from the Greatest Coaches of All Time, has over one hundred inspiring quotes and includes a Foreword from Hall of Fame QB Steve Young.

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Over 65% of parents report problems getting their children to eat vegetables. Kids should eat 3-5 servings per day, but a third of kids don’t eat a single serving of vegetables on a

given day. There are easy ways to encourage your kids to eat -- and enjoy! -- vegetables. Try some of these tips. PuT vEGETABLES on A PEDESTAL It’s an odd fact that while vegetables are a healthy cornerstone of any diet, they are usually relegated to a back corner side dish. While interesting recipes appear for main dishes, the vegetables are often steamed or boiled in a routinely boring presentation. Start treating vegetables as the star of the meal and your kids will too. nAME ThE STAR oF ThE ShoWVegetables rarely get the spotlight. When kids ask, “what’s for dinner?” we name the meat and starch - “Chicken and rice” or “Steak and potatoes” and don’t even mention the vegetables. From now on, name the veggies first. Create a fun name for the vegetable of the day you can help your children view them in a different light. So, what’s for dinner? “We’re having Brilliant Bunches of Broccoli along with chicken and rice.”

SEARCh ouT nEW RECiPES FoR vEGGiESTry stir-frying a mix of veggies with olive oil to give them an attractive presentation and a unique flavor. Add a sprinkling of nuts or seeds or a dribble of sauce. Mix two or even three kinds of vegetables together for a colorful dish.

GET ARTiSTiCIt can be fun to serve vegetables in interesting containers or arranged colorfully in patterns or shapes

LET ThEM DiP ‘EMServe a platter of raw veggies with dipping sauce such as ranch dressing, yogurt or hummus Kids often prefer raw vegetables over cooked, especially if they can dip.

GivE kiDS A ChoiCERoutinely serve two vegetables at dinner so that you double the chance your child will eat at least one. Plus, seeing two vegetables will build an expectation

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that vegetables are important.

GET SnEAkyWhile you are teaching your child about nutrition, go ahead and hide some vegetables within other recipes to up your child’s daily quota. It’s easy to add chopped spinach to hamburgers, pureed squash into macaroni and cheese, crushed cauliflower into mashed potatoes, or bits of carrots and broccoli into spaghetti sauce. That way your kids get the benefits of vegetables no matter what.

Elizabeth Pantley is mother of four and the author of the now-classic baby sleep book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution, as well as The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution,

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Maddie’s MatchMaker AdoptathonHayward Animal Shelter11:00m – 5:00pm www.ci.hayward.ca.us

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Goodguys 20th Summer Get-TogetherAlameda County FairgroundsPleasantonSat. 8:00am – 5:00pm & Sun. 8:00am – 4:00pmwww.alamedacountyfair.com

JUNEcalendar

June 24th Annual Chili Shooters StampedeDowntown Livermore11:00am – 4:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

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June 5ArtBlock & 1st Wednesday St. Party Angela @ MainDowntown Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

June 6‘First Thursday’ Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

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Family First Night Livermore Summer Farmers’ Market Carnegie Park 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com

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Exhibitor Association Ceramic & Fired Arts ShowAlameda County FairgroundsPleasanton 10:00am – 4:00pm www.alamedacountyfair.com


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June 27Family Night Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

Buki the Clown’s Magic ShowSpringtown Branch Library Livermore 6:00pm – 7:00pmwww.cityoflivermore.net

June 19Tommy’s Space AdventureCivic Center Library Livermore 10:30am – 11:30amwww.cityoflivermore.net

June 20Community Night Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

Drop in CraftCivic Center Library Livermore 10:30am – 1:00pmwww.cityoflivermore.net

Thirsty Thursday Livermore Summer Farmers’ MarketCarnegie Park5:00pm – 8:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com

Third Thursday Piedmont Ave. StrollPiedmont Ave. Oakland 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.piedmontavestroll.org

June 21Concert in the ParkRuckatan Latin TribeLions Wayside ParkDowntown Pleasanton 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.pleasantondowntown.netSponsored by active Kids and localGrüv. Stop by our booth to the left of the stage for Face painting, balloon artist, kids crafts, goodie bags, giveaways and more!

June 8 & 9Annual RodeoDowntown Livermore3:00pm – 5:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

June 9Love Our Lake DayLake MerrittOakland 11:00am – 4:00pm www2.oaklandnet.com June 10Free Guest DayCity Beach FremontAll daywww.citybeach.com

June 13Dublin Cooks NightDublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

June 14Concert in the ParkFeaturing CoolTones Big BandLions Wayside ParkDowntown Pleasanton 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

June 15Citywide Garage SaleLivermore 8:00am – 4:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

June 16Happy Father’s Day

June 18East Bay Vivarium Dublin Library Community Room 1:00pm – 1:45pm & 2:00pm – 2:45pmwww.ci.dublin.ca.us


June 28Drop in CraftCivic Center Library Livermore 2:00pm – 4:00pmwww.cityoflivermore.net

Concert in the ParkThe Crisis – Eclectic RockLions Wayside ParkDowntown Pleasanton 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

June 29Historical Walking TourClaremont-Elmwood Neighborhood LoopBerkeley10:00am – 12:00pmwww.visitberkeley.com

Contra Costa County

June 1Movie in the PlazaWreck-It Ralph Civic Center PlazaOakleyStarts at Duskwww.ci.oakley.ca.us

June 1, 8, 15, 22 & 29Farmers’ MarketDowntown Clayton8:00am – 12:00pmwww.ci.clayton.ca.us

Farmers’ MarketDowntown Danville9:00am – 1:00pm www.ci.danville.ca.us

Farmers’ MarketDowntown PlazaPleasant HillEvery Saturday 9:00am – 1:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

June 1 & June 2Disney’s Cinderella KidsBay Area Children’s Theater Diablo Valley Performing Arts CenterMultiple Show timeswww.sanramon.ca.gov

June 2Cars & Coffee Blackhawk Plaza Parking LotStarts at 8:00amwww.shopblackhawkplaza.com

Argentine Tango & MilongaRotundaBlackhawk Plaza Starts at 2:30pmwww.shopblackhawkplaza.com

Lawrence Hall of Science pres-ents – Ladybugs!Lafayette Library Ages 3 - 6$20/youth/class1:30pm – 2:30pm www.lafayettelib.org

June 2 & 3Relay for LifePleasant Hill Middle School Track 24 Hour fundraising eventStarts at 9:00amwww.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

June 4Farmers’ MarketTodos Santos PlazaConcordEvery Tuesday10:00am – 2:00pmwww.ci.concord.ca.us

June 4, 11, 18, 25Terrific Tuesday s Preschool ProgramGardens at Heather FarmWalnut Creek 10:00am – 10:45amwww.gardenshf.org

June 6Music and Market Salvador SantanaTodos Santos PlazaConcord6:30pm – 8:00pm www.ci.concord.ca.us

Trapped in a Rumor Improv Comedy ShowVillage TheaterDanville 7:30pm – 9:30pm www.ci.danville.ca.us

June 8Concert in The GroveTennessee River BandDowntown Clayton6:00pm – 8:30pmwww.ci.clayton.ca.us

Kids Club – Yo Yo Joe!RotundaBlackhawk Plaza 10:30am – 12:00pmwww.shopblackhawkplaza.com

Books for Breakfast!Lafayette Library Ages 0-1110:30am – 11:30amwww.lafayettelib.org

Forest Home Farms Historic Park – Working DaysSan Ramon 10:00am – 2:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

June 9Family Pride DayHabitot Berkeley 10:00am – 2:00pm www.habitot.org


Only Owls Workshop Lindsay Wildlife Museum Walnut Creek 10:00am – 12:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org

June 21Rock the PlazaPlaza ParkLafayette 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.lafayettechamber.org

Night at the ImprovFront Row TheaterSan Ramon Starts at 8:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

June 22Concert in The GroveDiamond DaveDowntown Clayton6:00pm – 8:30pmwww.ci.clayton.ca.us

June 22 & 23Danville Fine Art FaireHartz Ave.Downtown Danville 10:00am – 5:00pmwww.ci.danville.ca.us

June 24Dino-Mania Lindsay Wildlife Museum Walnut Creek 12:30pm – 4:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org

June 24 - 28Lego Summer CampIron Horse Elementary School Library OakleyAges 7 - 12Pre-registration is required9:00am – 12:00pm www.ci.oakley.ca.us

Movie in the PlazaDr. Seuss’ The LoraxCivic Center PlazaOakleyStarts at Duskwww.ci.oakley.ca.us

June 15 & 16Father’s Day Playland-Not-At-The-BeachEl Cerrito Normal Business Hourswww.playland-not-at-the-beach.org

June 16Happy Father’s Day

DadDay in the PlazaFree Concert in the ParkTodos Santos Plazawww.ci.concord.ca.us

Father’s Day Car ShowRotundaBlackhawk Plaza 10:00am – 4:00pmwww.shopblackhawkplaza.com

June 17 - 21Lego Summer CampIron Horse Elementary School Library OakleyAges 6 – 10Pre-registration is required9:00am – 12:00pm www.ci.oakley.ca.us

June 19Spring Wine WalkDowntown Walnut Creek 6:00pm – 9:00pmwww.walnutcreekdowntown.com

June 20Music and Market Project 4Todos Santos PlazaConcord6:30pm – 8:00pm www.ci.concord.ca.us

June 11Playland After DarkPlayland-Not-At-The-BeachEl Cerrito Ages: 18+6:00pm – 10:00pm www.playland-not-at-the-beach.org

June 12Urban Sitter Expo Habitot Berkeley 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.habitot.org

June 13Music and Market The Jessica Caylyn BandTodos Santos PlazaConcord6:30pm – 8:00pm www.ci.concord.ca.us

June 14Preschool Performance Series:“The Bubble Lady”Village Theatre Art Gallery Downtown Danville 10:00am & 1:00pm www.danvilleinstyle.com

Moonlight Movie Series: Puss in Boots400 Front Street Danville Town Greene6:30pm – 10:00pm www.danvilleinstyle.com

Rock the PlazaPlaza ParkLafayette 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.lafayettechamber.org

June 15Gardens are Delicious Lafayette Library 12:00pm – 1:00pmwww.lafayettelib.org


out of area:June 1Santana Row Summer Fashion ShowSan JoseShows at 1:00pm & 4:00pm www.santanarow.com

June 11Mommy & Me FREE Kid’s ClubSantana RowSan Jose10:00am – 12:00pm www.santanarow.com

June 19Stroll For AutismSantana RowSan Jose6:00pm – 8:00pm www.santanarow.com

Zombies, Run!Lafayette Library 4:00pm – 6:00pmwww.lafayettelib.org

Rock the PlazaPlaza ParkLafayette 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.lafayettechamber.org

June 29Play with our American Girl Dolls!Lafayette Library 11:00am – 12:00pmwww.lafayettelib.org

June 30Beat Cancer 2013!Benefit Taiko Drum ConcertLafayette Library All Ages2:30pm – 4:00pm www.lafayettelib.org

June 24 – 28Summer Camp Habitot Berkeley 9:00am – 1:00pm www.habitot.org

June 27Music and Market Zydeco FlamesTodos Santos PlazaConcord6:30pm – 8:00pm www.ci.concord.ca.us

June 28Moonlight Movies: Harry and the Hendersons400 Front StreetDanville Town Greene6:30pm – 10:00pm www.ci.danville.ca.us

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When you said the words, “I do,” on your wedding day, the idea of divorce probably never entered your mind. Nor was it even a fleeting thought when you witnessed the birth of

your first child. Chances are it never occurred to you at those times that one day you would be a statistic in the over 50% of marriages that end in divorce.

And yet here you are, considering divorce, separated, or already divorced. Today you find yourself dealing with issues of dating, visitation schedules, and feelings of animosity toward your spouse. You know that divorce is not the best situation for your children, but things have progressed too far to turn back now.

What do you do at this point to protect your children? How do you help them minimize the negative effects of a divorce? What do you say to them and how do you say it? How you handle yourself through the divorce process and the months that follow can be a determining factor in how well your children handle the struggles that divorce can bring.

Listed below are the seven worst things you can say to your children during a divorce. Avoid these and you’ll be on your way to helping your children make the transition in a positive manner.

1. “if you behaved yourself more, your mother wouldn’t get so mad at me.”Your child is NOT responsible for your relationship problems with your partner. Hinting that your child is in some way responsible for your divorce wounds the spirit and slashes the soul. Regardless of what your child has done or said, putting responsibility on them is totally inappropriate. Remember, a divorce takes place between the two married people in the relationship. Although divorce affects the children, you are not divorcing them. You are divorcing the person to whom you are married.

Even when you assure children that they are not responsible for the marriage breakup, most children believe they are somehow responsible. They think to themselves, “If I’d only been better, it wouldn’t have happened,” or “If I had just done something different, things would be OK with Mom and Dad.”

If you really believe that your children are responsible for your divorce, then something is in need of repair in your parent-child relationship. Turn to a counselor, member of the clergy, or school personnel. Do it now. You and your children are worth it.

by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman

The Seven Worst Things to Say to Your Kids

During a Divorce


2. “your mother is a tramp.”Name-calling in front of your children is inexcusable. Regardless of what she has done and how you feel about her, remember that this person is still your child’s mother. If she has had an affair or done other mean things to you, it is not your place to tell the children about her behavior. Saying hurtful things to the children about their mother does not hit the intended target, your “ex.” It hits and hurts the ones you still love, your children.

Name-calling usually stems from feelings of anger and disgust. Stay in control of your angry feelings. Attempting to knock your “ex” down in this way does not bring you up in the eyes of your children. When they hear you using these words about their mother, they can see and feel the discrepancy in what you are saying and how they are feeling. They begin to distrust your words, and fear that you may be saying such things about them and their behavior. Their suspicion damages your relationship with them.

Kids need to look up to their parents. You and, yes, their mother are the two most important people in their lives. For years they have looked to both parents for comfort, support, encouragement, and direction. They will continue to do so even after the divorce. Speaking about their mother with words that are meant to wound only decreases the likelihood that they will look up to you in the future.

3. “What does your mother say about me?”Do not put your children in the role of informant whose job it is to keep you updated on the events and happenings around Mom’s house. They are not conduits of information to be pumped for information. Keep them out of the middle and off the witness stand.

By asking your children to report to you and keep you informed you are asking them to betray someone they love. They are caught in the difficult position of having to supply you with information or lie in an attempt to protect their mother. When you do this, your children have to decide what might be appropriate information to tell and what information Mom might not want you to know. This is not a decision that a child needs to be making.

If there is information that you feel you really need or want to know, go to the source. Be an adult and ask your “ex” the questions you want answered. She has the right to decide what she wants to tell you. If she is not forthcoming with the answers, sit tight. It is quite possible that the answer will come to you without ever having to ask your children.

The main focus of your communication with your “ex” should be about your children, their development, and their continued care. Those questions that do not pertain to the kids may not be any of your business. Ask yourself if the answers to your questions benefit your children or you. Be honest with yourself at this point. If it only benefits you, let it go. Your children are what is most important.

4. “i want to get back together, but your mother doesn’t.”This statement may be true, but telling it to your children is nothing more than a play for sympathy. It is a subtle attempt to fix blame and make the other parent look bad. You are trying to place yourself in a positive light, as the only one who wants to keep the family together.


If this statement is really true, explore your role in how the relationship with your partner has gotten to the point where it is now. Tell your partner that you want to get back together and work on correcting the mistakes you made in the relationship. Your children have no place in that process.

If you want to look good and win your children’s affection, do so with grace. Approach your partner with a loving heart. Model for your children how to separate and move on in a relationship without wounding the spirit of another. Show your children how to have an open heart even when you don’t want what another person wants. Divorce gracefully. It is the best kind of divorce your children can go through.

5. “no, i won’t give you any money. i send your mother child support. if you need any money, ask her.”When you were married, did you sit down each week or month and show your check stub to your children? Did you share each aspect of the family budget with them, expecting them to understand the intricate nature of this system you designed? Probably not. They knew it existed and they became familiar with parts of it at times, but it was never a major concern for them. It was an adult matter that adults took care of.

The same holds true for child support. Your children do not need to know how much child support you pay and when you pay it. A child’s request for money is not a request to be told about the family budget or about how much you pay for child support. Neither is it a request to hear about your financial troubles. If the money is not available, and there are times in non-divorce situations that this is also true, tell them that the money is not available right now without mentioning how much you pay for child support. Talk with Your children about what they want to do with the money. Help them create a plan on how to get the money they need.

The purpose of child support is to make available a percentage of the finances needed for everyday living. Your children need far more than what child support provides. Your children need extra love, extra attention, and, yes, extra money on occasion.

Don’t get caught up in the financial end of your relationship with your children. Be careful not to attempt to buy their love with money. Instead, show your love with time and attention.

6. “i’m sorry i didn’t get you last week. i was really busy.”When it is your evening or weekend to be with your kids, adjust your schedule so that you can give them your full attention. This may mean skipping the golf outing, rescheduling poker night, missing softball practice, or changing your hours at work. Create the time so that you can be present in your children’s life. When it is your weekend and you don’t spend it with your kids, they feel rejected. The message is that something has become very important to you and it is not them. Is that the message you want to send to your children? If not, then make your time with them a priority. Demonstrate to them that their time with you is the last thing to get cancelled.

If you are scheduled to have parenting time with your children and you don’t show or you call at the last minute with a change of plans, your kids feel abandoned. If you take them to their grandparents’ house for the day while you go on a golf outing, the kids question their importance to you. If you say to your daughter, “We can do that the next time we’re together,” and when next week arrives you don’t do it, your integrity comes into question.


When you have scheduled parenting time, keep it. When you say you’re going to do something together next time, do it. Your children remember, and they are building an image of their father based on your actions. What image of you do you want them to hold?

7. “i don’t care what your mother said. you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”No two homes are run alike. With the establishment of two separate homes comes the establishment of two sets of rules. The goal is to create as much consistency as possible between your house and your ex-wife’s house.

Arriving at mutual agreement on issues of bed time, homework structure, video game and television viewing, and basic rules of respect for others’ boundaries is important. While this type of consistency is valuable, the reality is that it is difficult for many divorced couples to achieve. It takes setting aside your anger, resentment, and feelings of revenge, and coming to mutual conclusions about important issues that affect your children. It takes two people behaving like adults focusing on what is best for their children.

To say to your children, “I don’t care what your mother said. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to,” begins to create an imbalance in the structure that children need, especially in times of divorce. The implication is that they don’t have to listen to their mother, that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and that it’s OK if they defy her authority. This is your effort to exert power over your ex-wife by weakening her power with the children. You are attempting to undermine her authority and are using the children to get back at her. This is not your children’s job. Putting them in this position gives them a sense of power that is focused in the wrong direction. A child’s power needs to stay focused on managing their own behavior as they learn to make safe, caring, confident choices.

If you really don’t think the children should have to do whatever their mother told them to do, take it up with her. Find out what was really behind her request or disciplinary strategy. If it is not a strategy you use in your home, talk to the children about how you handle similar situations at your house. Explain the differences in the approach each parent has taken, helping them see the outcome of their choices and the effect it has on them regardless of the house in which they reside.

Divorce does not have to be a devastating end to your family. It marks the beginning of a new family for you and your children. Focus on creating a new life together. Hold on to some of the traditions of the past and look for opportunities to create new traditions, new routines, and a newfound joy in being together. Show your children how to divorce gracefully by eliminating the seven worst things you can say to them during that critical time.

Thomas haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of Parent Talk Essentials: how to Talk to kids about Divorce, Sex, Money, School and Being Responsible in Today’s World and

The only Three Discipline Strategies you Will Ever need: Essential Tools for Busy Parents. They are two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident

children. They publish a free Uncommon Parenting blog. To obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs,

visit their website today: www.uncommon-parenting.com


Find kidʼs meal deals & kids eat free restaurants in your area.

Antioch:Denny's 2006 Somersville Rd.Phone: 925.754.1360 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)Denny's 4823 Lone Tree WayPhone: 925.757.5105 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Brentwood:Shirasoni Japanese Restaurant 6367 Lone Tree Way Phone: 925.240.7808 Tuesday: Free kidʼs meal for children 12 & under w/a purchase of an adult meal

Concord:Denny's 1313 Willow Pass Rd.Phone: 925.798.4040 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Alameda: Bowzer's Pizza 1330 Park St.Phone: 510.523.7500 Tuesday: Order one large specialty pizza, get one small pizza free

Dublin:Armadillo Willy's 4480 Tassajara Rd.Phone: 925.833.0400 Sunday: 1/2 price kids meals all dayBaja Fresh 4550 Tassajara Rd #1Phone: 925.556.9199 Sundays: Kids eat free with the purchase of an adult entrée and drink

Emeryville:Pasta Pomodoro 5614 Shellmound St. Phone: 510.923.1173 Tuesday: 1 free kidʼs meal per adult meal purchase. All dayIHOP 4101 San Pablo Ave.Phone: 510.601.0310 Sunday - Saturday: Kids eat for free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM; limited to one child per adultChevy's Fresh Mex 1890 Powell St.Phone: 510.653.8210 Tuesday: Kids eat free all dayDenny's 1776 Powell St.Phone: 510.658.7950 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Fremont:Denny's 46645 Mission Blvd.Phone: 510.651.4686 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)Denny's 5280 Mowry Ave. Phone: 510-796-1818 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Livermore:Strings Italian Café 2205 Las Positas Rd.Phone: 925.373.1044 Sunday & Monday: Kids eat free with adult meal purchase after 4:00 PMDenny's 2259 Las Positas Rd. Phone: 925.454.0750 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Oakland:Fillipos Restaurant 5400 College Ave. Phone: 510.601.8646 Tuesday: Kids eat free with adult meal purchase (all day)

Pasta Pomodoro 5500 College Ave.Phone: 510.923.0900 Tuesdays: 1 free kidʼs meal per adult meal purchase (all day)Alberto's Cantina 435 Main St.Phone: 925.462.2316 Monday & Tuesday: Kids eat free with adult meal purchase (all day)Denny's 601 HegenbergerPhone: 415.638.9632 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Pleasanton:Dickey's Barbecue Pit 6654 Koll Center Parkway Pleasanton, CA 94566 Phone: 925.426.6800 Sunday: Kids eat free with adult meal purchase, all dayDenny's 6455 Owens Dr.Phone: 925.463.0720Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)Fontina Ristorante 349 Main St., Suite 150 Phone: 925.462.9299 Monday & Tuesday: Kids eat free with the purchase of an adult entrée (for kids 12 & under) after 4:00 PM

*Special offers may expire or change at restaurant discretion. Call to confirm current specials.


IHOP 4619 Clayton Rd.Phone: 925.687.1124 Sunday - Saturday: Kids eat for free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM; limited to one child per adultEl Torito 1961 Diamond Blvd.Phone: 925.798.7660 Wednesday: Kids eat free all day

Danville:El Nido Mexican Restaurant 107 Town & Country Dr. Phone: 925.820.5330 Monday: Kids eat free with adult meal purchase from 5:00 PM - 8:00 PMBasil Leaf Café 501 Hartz Ave.Phone: 925.831.2828 Sunday: Spaghetti & Meatball Sundays! $7 Kids includes Spaghetti with homemade meatball, Juice, Milk or Soda and a kidʼs vanilla or chocolate GelatoDenny's 807 Camino RamonPhone: 925.820.8240 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Lafayette:Mountain Mikes Pizza 3614 Diablo Blvd.Phone: 925.283.6363 Wednesday: Free kids all you can eat buffet (12 & under) with the purchase of an adult buffet. Offer valid from 5:00 PM - 8:00 PM

Oakley:Black Bear Diner 3201 Main St.Phone: 925.625.3555 Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday: Kids eat free with the purchase of adult entrée, 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM

Pleasant Hill:Pasta Pomodoro 45 Crescent Dr.Phone: 925.363.9641 Tuesday: 1 free kids meal per adult entrée purchase (all day)Denny's 612 Contra Costa Blvd. Phone: 925.687.8276 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)Sweet Tomatoes 40-A Crescent Dr.Phone: 925.676.8493 Sunday - Saturday: Kids 3 & under eat free all day

San Ramon:Chevy's Fresh Mex 18080 San Ramon Valley Phone: 925.327.1910 Tuesday: Ages 12 & under eat free all day. Limit one child per adult. Applebee's 17900 San Ramon Valley Blvd. Phone: 925.327.1400 Wednesday: Kids eat for $1.99 with the purchase of an adult entrée from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM; limited to one child per adultPasta Pomodoro 146 Sunset Dr.Phone: 925.867.1407 Tuesday: 1 Free kids meal per adult meal purchase (all day)

Walnut Creek:IHOP 2910 North Main St.Phone: 925.938.3111 Sunday - Saturday: Kids eat for free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM; limited to one child per adult


*Special offers may expire or change at restaurant discretion. Call to confirm current specials.


IHOP 4619 Clayton Rd.Phone: 925.687.1124 Sunday - Saturday: Kids eat for free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM; limited to one child per adultEl Torito 1961 Diamond Blvd.Phone: 925.798.7660 Wednesday: Kids eat free all day

Danville:El Nido Mexican Restaurant 107 Town & Country Dr. Phone: 925.820.5330 Monday: Kids eat free with adult meal purchase from 5:00 PM - 8:00 PMBasil Leaf Café 501 Hartz Ave.Phone: 925.831.2828 Sunday: Spaghetti & Meatball Sundays! $7 Kids includes Spaghetti with homemade meatball, Juice, Milk or Soda and a kidʼs vanilla or chocolate GelatoDenny's 807 Camino RamonPhone: 925.820.8240 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)

Lafayette:Mountain Mikes Pizza 3614 Diablo Blvd.Phone: 925.283.6363 Wednesday: Free kids all you can eat buffet (12 & under) with the purchase of an adult buffet. Offer valid from 5:00 PM - 8:00 PM

Oakley:Black Bear Diner 3201 Main St.Phone: 925.625.3555 Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday: Kids eat free with the purchase of adult entrée, 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM

Pleasant Hill:Pasta Pomodoro 45 Crescent Dr.Phone: 925.363.9641 Tuesday: 1 free kids meal per adult entrée purchase (all day)Denny's 612 Contra Costa Blvd. Phone: 925.687.8276 Tuesday: Kids eat free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM, (2 kids/adult)Sweet Tomatoes 40-A Crescent Dr.Phone: 925.676.8493 Sunday - Saturday: Kids 3 & under eat free all day

San Ramon:Chevy's Fresh Mex 18080 San Ramon Valley Phone: 925.327.1910 Tuesday: Ages 12 & under eat free all day. Limit one child per adult. Applebee's 17900 San Ramon Valley Blvd. Phone: 925.327.1400 Wednesday: Kids eat for $1.99 with the purchase of an adult entrée from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM; limited to one child per adultPasta Pomodoro 146 Sunset Dr.Phone: 925.867.1407 Tuesday: 1 Free kids meal per adult meal purchase (all day)

Walnut Creek:IHOP 2910 North Main St.Phone: 925.938.3111 Sunday - Saturday: Kids eat for free 4:00 PM - 10:00 PM; limited to one child per adult


“Summer afternoon..Summer afternoon….the two most beautiful words in the English language.” – Henry James

Summer lives in our imaginations throughout the year because it nourishes our souls. The warmth...the fun...the sheer deliciousness. But mostly, the luxury of time, unbounded by

school. Time to explore, to make new friends, to lie on your back and watch the clouds billow. The vivid aliveness and freedom of a child’s summers can change her forever.

Does this sound like the summer your child is having? Or is he glued to an electronic screen, or having to get up early for camp so you can go to work? Or has he gotten so used to constant stimulation that he’s complaining he’s bored?

You CAN reclaim summer for your family. In fact, you can make this the best summer ever with your kids. It doesn’t take travel or a lot of money. All it takes is your time.

That’s right, your time. If you’re anything like most parents, you have a long list of things that need to get done and you feel a little (or a lot!) overwhelmed. But it’s summer. Your kids won’t be kids forever. This is the stuff their childhood memories are made of. These are the experiences that shape who they become. Why not decide now to make the most of this opportunity to connect with your kids?

Of course, your kids also need plenty of lazy summer afternoons with not much happening. So finding that sweet spot of “just enough” activity without over-scheduling is the goal.

Here are seven simple tips to make this summer your best summer ever with your kids:

1. Set aside some time every day to have fun with your child. Whether it’s running through the sprinkler together on a hot afternoon or counting the stars on a blanket in the backyard before bedtime, do one thing a day to connect and have fun.

2. Find the “sweet spot” for structure. Research shows that kids get stressed during the school year from academics, homework, the social scene, and all the activities. They really need time to chill and relax. But sometimes when they’re released from structure, all those stressed feelings they’ve been carrying bubble up and they get grumpy. So be aware that you might have a few grumpy days, and plan to get your kids out of the house to run around. Plan for a few meltdowns. And plan some structure and down time into your days so kids know what to expect. For instance, every morning after we play, we do errands or pick up the house together for an hour, and after lunch we have reading time and then quiet time. Every afternoon we run through the sprinkler or go to the pool.

by Dr. Laura Markham

8 tips to Make this the best summer

ever with your Kids


3. Commit to de-stressing and just enjoying your life this summer. Kids pick up our attitudes. If you’re still stressed, they’ll still be stressed, and they’ll fight with each other and drive you crazy. Even if you have to go to work, can you find a way to dial down your stress for the summer? And if you’re lucky enough to be home with the kids, don’t you deserve a delicious summer as much as your children do? Your positive attitude will create a relaxed, happy mood in your house.

4. help your kids develop a healthy relationship with time, one that includes the important life skill of being comfortable with their own company, without technology. Time is, after all, what life is made of. To help kids learn to structure their time, set up a Boredom Buster Jar.

5. Encourage your child to try something new this summer. There’s no time like the summer to dabble, experiment, and play with creativity. Maybe she wants to try painting, or self-defense classes, or horseback riding. Maybe she wants to write a short story or play. New activities encourage brain development and build your child’s focus, frustration management and impulse control.

6. Strictly limit technology to certain times of the day. When kids are bored and it’s hot outside, screentime has a way of swallowing up all their time. It may be a good babysitter, but we all know that’s not what kids need. The more you limit screen time, the better kids get at finding creative things to do with their time -- and the less they bug you to watch TV or play computer games.

7. institute daily reading time and biweekly library visits. Books open the imagination, make time disappear, and give kids a wholesome alternative to screens. (They’re also highly correlated with school achievement.) Read to your kids, and have them read on their own.

8. Plan some fantastic family memories, even if you don’t have the money or time to head off on vacation. Don’t wait. The key is to get out a calendar and schedule the things you really want to do.

Start at dinner tonight by asking everyone what they’ve loved most about this summer so far. Then ask each person to pick one thing for the whole family to do that will make their summer complete. Set parameters before you start. For instance, no hotel stays, and the total cost of each activity must be under $40 (or whatever your budget is.) Here’s a list of ideas to get you started:

• Buy a badminton set and have a weekend tournament for all your friends and family, complete with a potluck barbecue. • Set up a water festival in your backyard that includes dunking, running through sprinklers, a water balloon toss game, a slip ‘n slide, and a water balloon fight. Let your kids invite all their friends, and invite a few of yours, too. Celebrate the end of the day with watermelon.• Rent bikes and follow a local bike path you’ve never been on. Stop for ice cream cones.• Go camping. Go hiking, catch fireflies, roast marshmallows, sing songs, snuggle on a blanket and watch the fire together.• Go tubing. Or canoeing. Or rafting.• Have a dinner picnic and watch the sunset (bring the bug repellant.)• Go to the beach and spend the day body surfing. When you get cold, collect shells and use them to decorate your sand castle. • Go to bed really early some night when you’re tired, and get up for the


Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the

English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through

the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

sunrise. Bring donuts and coffee.• Make homemade ice cream. (You don’t need an ice cream maker, just rock salt and plastic bags, there are recipes online.)• Buy a mess of crabs and cook them up with some corn on the cob. Invite a crowd and let the kids stay up late playing tag as it gets dark.

You get the idea. Be sure to toast the family member who chose the activity, and take lots of pictures.

The last week of the summer, print out all your summer photos and make a Summer album. Have a little family celebration on Labor Day weekend where you look at the album together and talk about everybody’s favorite parts of the summer. Remind each other of the things that seemed like disasters at the time but are now funny (every family has some of those!) If you do this every summer, you’ll create precious family heirlooms, not to mention a family tradition that will have your kids bragging about how fantastic summer was in their families….and begging to look at the Summer albums with you every Labor Day, even once they’re teenagers.


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When my husband was between jobs, he became part of my daughter’s life in ways that hard-driving businessmen don’t always get to experience. It was a wonderful thing. Except when it wasn’t.

The downside was this loving man and great father was suddenly on my turf. The time they shared--having breakfast together, going

on class trips, chauffeuring to practices and all those other cumulative bonding experiences--was my time. I’m the one who knows what she likes to eat. I’m the one who knows her taste in clothes. I’m the one, period. Worse, having lost my own father when I was 3 and raised by a single mother, I had no bearings; no point of reference on how two-parent families work. When it came to the affections of my daughter, it was him or me.

My husband soon took another job, and I resumed my rightful place in the secret society of mothers and daughters.

It’s just one story in the life of just one family, but it speaks to something much broader and deeper. In ways that are rattling the pillars of some long-held assumptions about parental roles and responsibilities--opportunities is probably a better word--fathers and daughters are moving quickly to a whole new kind of connection. It’s a connection that is increasingly and very healthily gender-neutral.

But we’re all in for a period of adjustment.

In the past, fathers could stare down at the boy in the bassinet and dream of fishing trips and games of catch. Dreams for little girls had a much softer patina. There is something parentally unique in the bond between fathers and daughters. “Daddy’s girl” is a compliment; “momma’s boy,” well, maybe he’ll grow out of it. “Daddy’s boy” is more likely reserved for the retriever.

Tickle Fights Fade

One of the most wrenching and confusing times in the lives of many fathers and daughters is puberty; when the shoulder rides and tickle fights come abruptly to an end.

The sexual component of that is undeniable. And certainly there is the hormonal door-slamming and eye-rolling that leads many to believe: “Parents are from Venus, teen-age daughters are from hell.” That passes. But fathers and daughters--in years past--often never regained their former connection. One reason: as daughters grew up, there was less and less to bond father and daughter beyond the love they have for each other.

by Dr. Peggy Drexler

Father-daughter bond enjoys a Growth spurt


Not today.

Fathers and daughters have much to talk about, worlds to share. Learning to hit a curve ball or make the smart career move--once largely the arena of fathers and sons--is now fully and joyfully open to fathers and daughters. Thank Title IX for giving girls the opportunity to not only compete in sports, but to aspire to compete at the highest level. Thank equal opportunity for giving young women the ability to enter the professions and climb up organizations in numbers equal to men.

From Protection to Preparation

But there is an even more compelling consideration for the engaged and concerned father to be a bigger part of his daughter’s life. The conveyor that once reliably delivered daughters from the protection of a father to the protection of a husband is not reliable, or even relevant. Pick your metric: women pouring out of graduate schools in numbers equal to men, women taking roughly half of corporate America’s management positions; the swelling ranks of single female home buyers; the growing legion of single mothers by choice. It all adds up to the same thing. Fathers today know job of protector now includes preparation for a life that, for a time or maybe permanently, does not factor in a husband.

As a result, fathers who might have once defined their role as helping daughters prepare to be good wives, now see it as preparing them to make and manage money, compete for jobs, handle relationships, be tough.

My situation was hardly unusual. The resentment--and maybe just a trickle of apprehension--I felt in my husband’s growing involvement with my daughter’s life is shared by many women. I have always worked outside the home. Others have not. We are entering an awkward stage where a generation of stay-at-home mothers must find ways to relate to career-minded daughters, who by shared experience alone may gravitate to dad.

There will also be adjustments for fathers. They remember life lessons roughly packaged. Most boys think nothing of being grabbed by the jersey: “When are you going to get your head out of your ass and learn to box out?” Can girls--will girls--respond to that kind of tough love? Or is a father’s place with girls (largely free of the competitive undercurrents in raising boys) so powerful that it will cause some girls to wilt and retreat?

The sports metaphors come easy, but very generally speaking they stand in for something much deeper in the new father-daughter dynamic. With abundant allowance for exceptions, boys don’t want to fail their fathers. Daughters want to make them proud. Fathers who are intent on toughening up their little girl for a world of diminished guarantees should walk carefully.

The very good news in the evolution of father-daughter relationships is that we might finally put away some myths and reconfigure some truths: girls marry their father; the connection with little girls must change when they become big girls; father is the hammer and mother is the unconditional love.

For fathers, breaking free of assumptions about who and what they are in the parental mix means the joy and satisfaction of more--and continuing--participation in shaping


Dr. Drexler is a Ph.D. research psychologist, professor of psychology at Cornell University’s Weill Medical College, former gender scholar at Stanford University, and mother of two, she has spent her career studying sex and gender at work, at home, and in the world at large. Author of two books about gender and family: Raising Boys Without Men, which introduced readers to boys in single and two-mother families, and

our Fathers, ourselves: Daughters, Fathers, and the Changing American Family, about the father-daughter bond in a time of unbridled female opportunity. She has

written for a wide range of national and international media, including The Wall Street Journal, The Daily Beast, Forbes.com, Huffington Post, DuJour, USA Today,

and Psychology Today, and is currently working on a book about the evolving role of women in the workplace and the new challenges they face. She is a frequent guest

expert for such outlets as Bloomberg, Today, GMA, Katie, and NPR. Dr. Drexler can be reached through her website, peggydrexler.com

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their daughter’s lives. For daughters, it is the opportunity to tap in much more directly and deeply to a reservoir of experience, perspective and support than might have been possible in a world where the father’s role was more strictly and narrowly defined.

When it comes to raising, happy and confident young women, “parent” is now an equal opportunity position.


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Educational apps For Smartphones


I was recently interviewed on a parenting radio show and thought that, with summer around the corner, the topic of kids and summer activities seemed timely.

1. What ultimately is the goal a parent should have in mind when they select/offer ideas to their children of what to do this summer?Parents should think about what they want their children to get out of their summer. I recommend anything that fosters kids’ physical, intellectual, social, spiritual, environmental, cultural, and artistic development. In other words, what are the experiences that will further children’s greater understanding of themselves and the world in which they live.

Also, parents should focus on summer activities that encourage certain values that parents want to instill in their children, for example, hard work, compassion, or learning about other cultures. If children are into sports, the arts, or another specialized area, activity-specific camps or other experiences devoted to these are a great way to allow them to enjoy themselves and help them improve and strive toward their goals. Of course, having some summer activities that are just plain fun is important too.

2. What summer activities should parents avoid for their children?Too many parents these days worry too much about their children’s futures. So they send their kids to summer academic camps (e.g., math or computer camp) or internships (e.g., law firms, hospitals, businesses) that they think will better prepare them for college or a career. I think this is just another example of anxious parents trying to fast forward their intellectual and educational development, burnish their kids’ “resume,” or force them down a career path not of their choosing. Such experiences are often joyless to kids (unless they have a passion for it) and can actually hamper their educational pursuits by turning them off to academics. And there will be plenty of time for kids to find a career path once they get to college.

3. What role does our popular culture play in these decisions?Parents feel a lot of pressure these days to “keep up with the Joneses,” meaning they feel like if they’re not doing what the Joneses are doing, then they will be viewed as bad parents. My advice is to “make the Joneses jealous.” While the Joneses are doing what everyone else is doing (unhappily, I might add), you can be doing what your family wants to do. The ability to make this decision to buck the system comes from thinking deliberately about your family’s values and interests and making conscious choices based on those priorities.

4. What specific ideas can you offer parents to do with their 13-18 year olds this summer?Summer jobs are one of the most powerful experiences teenagers can have. I think

by Dr. Jim Taylor

Kids & Summer Activities


manual labor or mundane labor is especially good learning experience for teens, particularly in the privileged and insulated world in which many kids are raised these days. I worked as a carpenter all through high school and college. It showed me the value of hard work, the direct relationship between earning a wage and producing something, and how most people in America work. Plus, I learned a set of practical (i.e., do-it-yourself) skills that I use to this day. My wife worked summers in a mall cookie shop. She benefited from many of the lessons that I learned.

Camp counselor is a great summer job because it teaches kids leadership skills and the ability to teach others. Working with disadvantaged kids can also be an eye-opening experience because it exposes privileged children to people and a world that they wouldn’t see otherwise.

Summers are also a great time to get kids involved in household responsibilities. They should be assigned chores that contribute to the upkeep and functioning of the house. Painting a room, cleaning out the garage, or being in charge of recycling are all great ways to teach kids responsibility and get the house into shape.

If you have a backyard, planting a vegetable garden is another wonderful experience for kids. They can learn about agriculture and healthy eating, and they can get their hands dirty too (always a fun and healthy thing for kids to do). Seeing the fruits of their labor (no pun intended) can be a source of great satisfaction and perhaps trigger a lifelong passion for gardening.

Family activities should also be included summer plans. Family outings are a great way for you to connect with and strengthen your relationship with their kids and do fun things together. The best summer family activities are those in which parents and children share a new and unique experience, visit a place totally unfamiliar to everyone, or do something that requires a family to interact in different ways. For example, one family I know spent two weeks helping to build a house for Habitat for Humanity. Another family spent a week camping the mountains.

5. What role does boredom play in summer activities? Does boredom have any value?Boredom happens when kids have too much free time on their hands. And summers, when kids aren’t in school and may not have as much structure in their days, are a potential breeding ground for boredom.

Boredom can be a dangerous thing because, when children have nothing to do, mischief (or worse) is always a great way to make life exciting. Remember the saying, “Idle hands are the Devil’s playground?

Boredom can also be a great tool for development if it’s handled properly. Too often these days, when kids get bored, parents give them something to entertain them, such as put them in front of a TV or computer or send them to the mall. But boredom can encourage creativity and self-initiative. When kids tell their parents they are bored, the parents should say, “So, what are you going to do about it?” Parents can offer activities that are healthy, such as organizing informal soccer games, going to parks and museums, or doing chores around the house (that will get kids motivated to find something to do for themselves!).

At the same time, I do think a part of summer should be devoted to down time, meaning just hanging out at home and taking it easy (but that doesn’t mean sitting in front of a screen for easy entertainment). Kids need time to rest and recharge. So much of kids’ lives these days are programmed and go, go, go. But this time should


Jim Taylor, Ph.D., Psychology, has work with young people, parents, and educators for more than 27 years. Jim is the author of 14 books, four of which are parenting books.

Jim has appeared on NBC’s Today Show, Fox News Channel, ABC’s World News This Weekend, and the major television network affiliates around the country.

He has participated in many radio shows. Dr. Taylor has been an expert source for articles that have appeared in The London Telegraph, The Los Angeles Times,

The New York Daily News, The Chicago Tribune, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Outside, Men’s Health, and many other newspapers and magazines.

Jim lives north of San Francisco with his wife, Sarah, and his daughters, Catie and Gracie. To learn more, visit www.drjimtaylor.com.

not comprise the bulk of the summer, but rather be a short period, perhaps a week, before school begins.

6. how does a parent address the fact if a child does noT want to do, attend or volunteer at a certain activity?I have a saying, “Doing nothing is not an option.” Kids have to do something with their summers. You can give your kids some options from which they must choose, including some form of work. But I believe that kids should be forced to do something.One family I know has a rule: one thing the parents want the kids to do and one thing the kids want to do. This rule amounts to a win-win for parents and kids.

7. is there anything else you would like to add regarding this subject?I think it’s reasonable for parents to be a little bit “selfish” in deciding the summer activities in which their children participate. For example, when parents choose to send their children to sleep-away camp, that gives them the opportunity to have some husband-and-wife time alone to travel or pursue interests that they might not otherwise be able to do. This solo time can be healthy for the individual spouses and for marriage. And, as we all know, happy parents and healthy marriages make for happy and healthy marriages.

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