ACT 1 SCENE 1

The backstage of a huge rock festival in Elsinore. The Fortinbras, a band, arrive in a shady way and start playing:

SONG: Alice Cooper, Paranoiac Personality. Fortinbras sings. After the song, Frank threatens them

FRANK: Hey! What the hell are you doing here! Get the fuck out of here! Now! The Fortinbras escape the stage in a

hurry.

Gee! When will they stop, man! The Fortinbras! Go back to Norway, will ya?

Frank onstage drinking beer for 15 seconds or so. Ben enters.

FRANK. (Hears a noise. Gets scared) UH?????

BEN: Who’s there?

FRANK No, who are you?

BEN It’s me!

FRANK Me who?

BEN Me! BEN!.

FRANK Oh, Ben! Finally!

BEN It’s midnight! Go home to bed, FRANK. You look wasted...

FRANK Thanks! It’s freezing cold out, and I’m depressed.

BEN Yeah. Depressed...Has it been a quiet night?

FRANK Just the Fortinbras trying to break in the festival once again...After that I haven’t even heard a mouse squeak.

BEN: Good------- (hears a noise)

FRANK: Stop! Who’s there?

MARK and OWEN enter. Mark is holding a beer.

OWEN Squeak squeak! A mouse!! What’s up bud?

MARK: Oh hiya Frank! Looking good! (ironically).

FRANK Well, good night

MARK See ya.

FRANK exits.

MARK Hello, BEN.

BEN Hello Mark! It’s so dark I can’t see a thing! Is Owen here too?

OWEN More or less. yawns

MARK So, did you see that thing again tonight?

BEN I haven’t seen anything.

MARK Owen says we’re imagining it, That’s why I’ve begged him to come on our shift tonight, so that if the .... ghost

appears he can see what we see and speak to it.

OWEN Oh, nonsense. Ghosts do not exist! You drink too much, guys.

BEN It’s true, for fuck’s sake! Last night, after rehearsals, after all bands had left the stage, we we we ..... at one

o'clock, MARK and I—

The GHOST enters (looks like Freddie Mercury).

Ahhhhhh!

MARK Quiet, shut up! It’s here again.

BEN Looking just like the dead King.

MARK (to OWEN) You, you graduated from High school, Owen. And you’re studying philosophy! You’re clever! Say

something to it!

BEN Doesn’t he look like the king, Owen?

OWEN Hell yeah. It’s terrifying.

BEN It wants us to speak to it.

MARK Ask it something, Owen.

BEN: yeah, ask him

OWEN Wh- wh- What are you, that you walk out so late at night, looking like the King when he dressed for his

concerts? Gee, I order you to speak!

The ghost walks back

MARK You’ve offended it.

BEN: Look, it’s going away.

OWEN: Stay! Speak! Speak! I order you, speak! ......Or SING!

The GHOST exits.

MARK It’s gone.

BEN What’s going on, Owen? You’re shitting in your pants now, right? You agree now that we’re not imagining this,

don’t you?

OWEN I... I .... I saw it! What was in your bloody beer, Mark?

MARK Doesn’t it look like the King?

OWEN Yes, yes! The King was wearing exactly that costume when he won the Emmy awards! It’s weird.

MARK It’s happened like this twice before, always at this exact time. He stalks us

OWEN That’s no good, no good.

MARK All right, now tell me why there are so many safety guards around the scaffolding of the backstage! Why?

There must be something! Is this a joke?

OWEN Well, the King won the Emmy awards and the Fortinbras, that stupid Norwegian band, got in second! Now

they are trying to play at the festival, although nobody invited them! Nobody wants to listen to their crap!

BEN All right! So maybe the ghost of the King is haunting the backstage to protect it!

OWEN You’re so smart! (ironically)

The GHOST enters.

Shhhhit! He’s here again!

The GHOST spreads his arms.

Say something!

A rooster crows.

MARK Should I strike it with my taser?

BEN Yes, do it!

The GHOST exits.

OWEN It’s gone, you useless idiots! You can’t hurt a ghost with a taser!

MARK It wanted to say something!

BEN Let’s tell Hamlet what we’ve seen tonight. I’m sure this ghost will speak to him.

MARK Let’s do it. Yes.

OWEN: yes, yes

BEN: all right! He knows more about hallucinations than all of us together!

OWEN and MARK: You betcha!

They exit.

ACT 1 SCENE 2

CLAUDIUS, the new King of The Denmark, a rock band, enters, along with Trudy, his wife, HAMLET, POLONIUS,

POLONIUS ’s son LIAM and daughter OPHELIA, and musicians

CLAUDIUS Friends! Staff! I’m sorry for my brother’s sudden death, but the show must go on. I’m sad but happy

because I’ve married Trudy, my brother’s beautiful wife, and now she can stop mourning her husband because....her

husband is alive!!!! Now, down to business. The Fortinbras, that stupid rock band from Norway, is trying to play at

this majestic festival of mine….ehm, ours…. the Elsinore Rock Festival, but they do not deserve it, ‘cause I – we won

the Emmy, not them! The King is dead, but I am the new King of The Denmark, the best rock band in the world!!!!!

Everybody claps their hands

VOLTEMAND and CORNELIUS enter.

Oh, Voltemand and Cornelius! Friends! I’ve written an email to the manager of the Fortinbras telling him to stop

harassing us. I’m also sending my lawyers from the Cornelius and Voltemand Law Firm to calm them down.

CORNELIUS We’ll take care of it, Claudius.

VOLTEMAND: definitely. You can count on us, Claudius!

CLAUDIUS I have no doubt you will. Good-bye.

CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND exit.

And now, Liam, what do you have to tell me? You know your father has been my manager for years. How could I say

no to his son? Come on, what is it that you wanna ask me?

LIAM Sir, I want your permission to go back to France, which I left to come to see the Emmy Awards. I’m working on

a project of electronic music there and....

CLAUDIUS We’ll miss your great job as sound technician and songwriter, Liam, but if it’s that what you want...Do you

have your father’s permission? What does Polonius say?

POLONIUS He’s been insisting, King! Let him go! We’ll find another sound technician for now. He needs to gain more

experience.

CLAUDIUS Ok then, go Liam, and good luck!

LIAM: Thanks, Sir!

CLAUDIUS: And now, Hamlet, my nephew and my son—

HAMLET (aside) Too much family for me.

CLAUDIUS Why are you still so gloomy?

HAMLET It’s not true, sir. I’m bright!

TRUDY My dear Hamlet, stop wearing these black clothes, and be friendly to the king. You can’t spend your whole

life with your eyes to the ground remembering your father. It happens all the time, what lives must die eventually.

HAMLET Yes, mother, it happens all the time.

TRUDY So why does this grief seem so particular to you?

HAMLET “Seem,” mother? No, it is. I don’t know what you mean by “seem.” I’ve got more real grief inside me that

you could ever see in my black clothes.

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, you are such a good son to mourn your father like this. But you have to remember, that your

father lost his father, who lost his father before him, and so on. But too much is too much! Be a man, will you?

Everyone knows that you are the man closest to be the front man to this band. And your plans for going back to

university in Germany is not what I want. I’m asking you now to stay here in my company as the songwriter of my

band, my nephew and now my son too.

HAMLET: (aside) frontman! He won’t let me play a note!

TRUDY Please Hamlet, stay with us. Don’t go back to Germany.

HAMLET I’ll try not to, mom.

CLAUDIUS That’s the right answer—it shows your love. Stay in Denmark like us. —A toast to Hamlet! (he drinks) Let’s

go, Trudy.

Music. Everyone except HAMLET exits.

HAMLET Ah, why is suicide so scary? Ah, God! How useless is life to me! Damn it! My father’s only been dead for two

months—no, not even two. Such an excellent singer, as superior to my uncle as John Lennon is to choirboy, and so

loving toward my mother! She couldn’t get enough of him. Yet even so, within a month of my father’s death, she

married my uncle! Less than a month after my father’s death, she remarried. Oh, so quick to jump into a bed of

incest! That’s no good!

OWEN, MARK, and BEN enter.

OWEN: Hello, Ham

HAMLET: Nice to see you again, Owen

HAMLET Oh, MARK?

MARK Hiya

HAMLET (to MARK) So nice to see you. — (to BEN) Hello, Ben.(to OWEN)—But what are you doing away from

Germany?

OWEN We came to your father’s funeral.

HAMLET Yeah. I think you came to see my mother’s wedding instead.

OWEN Well, Ham, it’s true it came soon after.

HAMLET It was all about saving a few bucks, Owen. The leftovers from the funeral dinner made a convenient

wedding banquet. ......My father—I think I see my father.

OWEN scared Where??????

HAMLET In my imagination, Owen.

OWEN: ehm…..I saw him too

HAMLET I know you did! At his concerts!

OWEN: well...yeah, but.... I think I saw him last night.

HAMLET Saw who?

OWEN Your father, Ham. The dead King.

HAMLET The King my father?!

OWEN Well....

HAMLET For God’s sake, tell me about it!

OWEN We saw him last night!

HAMLET But where? My dad is dead!

MARK In the backstage!

HAMLET Are you sure? What the f.... What did he say?

OWEN Nothing!

HAMLET That’s very weird! Were you high on drugs?

MARK: No Ham! Only a few beers!

HAMLET: Sure

MARK: sure! And gluten free too! They can’t do any harm!

HAMLET: then give me some and take me with you! I wanna see it! When does your shift start?

BEN: At midnight

HAMLET: I’ll be there at midnight!

OWEN: ok then. See ya there. (moves as to say he’s wacko wacko)

Exeunt

ACT 1 SCENE 3

LIAM I’m gonna go, sis. Text me, right?

OPHELIA I will

LIAM And…. sis, as for Hamlet, he’s just a flirt. It won’t last. Just forget him.

OPHELIA: forget him?

LIAM: Ophelia, he’s a songwriter. He’s in the show biz. You know how many chicks he’s gonna have around?

Groupies, producers, fans, rock stars? You’re just the daughter of his father’s manager! He won’t be with you! He’ll

end up with Miley Cyrus or Katie Perry! Not with you! Remember: if he says he loves you it is just to fuck you! Please,

Sister, don’t give yourself up for him! You are not his first and you won’t be his last! Don’t fuck with him!

OPHELIA Thanks for your advice, Liam.

LIAM Goodbye, sis!

POLONIUS enters.

Hi dad!

POLONIUS You’re still here? Go go go! Ehm, just a little advice from your father, son. Just try to remember a few

rules of life. Don’t say what you’re thinking, and don’t be too quick to act on what you think. Be friendly to people

but not too much. Only trust good friends, but don’t make too many friends! Don’t start a fight, but if you are in a

fight....fight back! Listen to many people, but talk to few. Spend all you can afford on clothes, but make sure they’re

quality, not flashy, since clothes make the musician! Don’t borrow money and don’t lend it. Ok?

LIAM: yes, dad.

POLONIUS: Good-bye, son. And not too many girls, right?

LIAM: yes, dad....Bye!

POLONUS: Have a safe journey!

LIAM: bye sis. And don’t forget what I’ve told you!

OPHELIA: ok

Liam exits

POLONIUS What did he tell you, Ophelia?

OPHELIA Something about Hamlet.

POLONIUS A good thing he did, by God. I’ve heard Hamlet’s been spending a lot of time alone with you recently, and

you’ve made yourself quite.... available to him. Is it true?

OPHELIA: He’s been giving him some gifts.... He’s been showing me some affection

POLONIUS “Affection!” That’s nothing! You’re talking like some innocent girl who doesn’t understand the ways of

the world. Do you believe in his “gifts,” as you call them? Don’t you know what he wants?

OPHELIA: I don’t

POLONIUS: I do! He wants... He wants.... (looking at her private parts) He wants to sleep with you, that’s what he

wants!

OPHELIA: he said he loves me!

PLONIUS: I know what he loves! Not you but your.... your....

OPHELIA: Dad! He’s sincere!

POLONIUS: you don’t know how men are! He’ll say anything to get what he wants! And once he got it...Goodbye!

OPHELIA: DAD

POLONIUS: SHUSH. Now, I don’t want you to be alone with him. EVER. And most of all, no more gifts, no holding

hands and NO KISSING! Have I made myself understood?

OPHELIA: Dad!

POLONIUS: dad what??????

OPHELIA: Yes, dad.

exeunt

ACT 1 SCENE 4

HAMLET, OWEN, and MARK enter.

HAMLET: It’s freezing cold!

OWEN: Well, it’s Denmark in winter!

HAMLET: What’s the time?

OWEN: almost midnight

The GHOST enters.

OWEN: Gee, ham, here it comes!

HAMLET (does the sign of the cross) A-A-a Are you My father? The King?

GHOST beckons HAMLET

OWEN He wants you to go with him, Ham!

MARK: Don’t go, please!

OWEN: no, don’t!

HAMLET: I’ll follow him

OWEN: No! It’s like a horror movie! Never follow the bad guy!

HAMLET: He’s not a bad guy! He’s my dad!

OWEN: What if it’s a serial killer? Like in Saw?

MARK: yeah, like in Saw

HAMLE: he wants to talk to me! Let me go!

OWEN: calm down!

HAMLET: I won’t calm down! Let go of me!

(Hamlet follows the Ghost to the proscenium)

OWEN: I’m leaving

MARK: same here

OWEN: What’s wrong with Hamlet?

MARK: something is rotten in the State of Denmark!

OWEN: I’ve heard that before!

MARK: give me a beer

Owen and Mark exeunt

ACT 1 SCENE 5

HAMLET: where are we going? I’m not going any farther.

GHOST: Listen to me.

HAMLET I will.

GHOST: The hour has almost come when I have to return to the horrible flames of purgatory.

HAMLET: Purgatory? So all that crap Dante wrote in his Divine Comedy is true?

GHOST: yes

HAMLET: AHHH, I should have believed in what Mr Agati and Mr Clemente told me in high school! Alas, poor ghost!

GHOST: Don’t pity me. Just listen. You must be ready for REVENGE

HAMLET: What? Revenge?

GHOST I’m the ghost of your father, doomed for a certain period of time to walk the earth at night, while during the

day I’m trapped in the fires of purgatory until I’ve done penance for my past sins. I can’t tell you about the place

where I am, but it is well more horrible than all the horror movies you’ve seen, my son. Listen listen, If you have ever

loved your father.....

HAMLET: I have always loved you, father!

GHOST: Take revenge for his horrible murder, that crime against nature.

HAMLET: Murder?

GHOST: The most horrible horrible murder. Horrible, weird, and unnatural.

HAMLET: tell me everything, father!

GHOST: Hamlet. Everyone was told that a snake bit me while I was sleeping. But in fact, that’s a lie. You should know,

my son, the real snake that stung your father is now wearing his crown.

HAMLET: What? My uncle?

GHOST: YES

HAMLET I knew it!

GHOST: Yes, that incestuous, adulterous bastard! My brother! With his clever words and fancy gifts, he seduced my

wife! She went from me, once a handsome man, to that ugly dog of my brother! Your uncle snuck up to me while I

was sleeping and poured poison into my ear. I broke out in a horrifying rash that covered my smooth body with this

revolting crust. And that’s how my brother robbed me of my life, my crown, and my queen all at once. Oh, it’s

horrible, horrible, so horrible! If you are a man, don’t stand for it. Don’t let the Elsinore Rock Festival be a nest of

incest. But don’t harm your mother. Ok, son? Now, good-bye. I have to go. Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye.

Remember me.

The GHOST exits.

HAMLET Damn it! Remember you! Yes, you poor ghost, Remember you! Yes, I’ll forget everything else: women,

music, sport and Netflix! I will live to avenge you, my father! Yes, by God! Oh, you evil woman! Oh, you villain, villain,

you damned, smiling villain! Uncle! I’ll smile, but I’ll be thinking about how to kill you!

MARK and OWEN enter.

OWEN Ham!

MARK: are you all right?

HAMLET I’m all right.

MARK So how did it go?

OWEN What happened?

MARK: please, tell us

HAMLET Okay. But you promise you can keep a secret?

OWEN, MARK: You betcha!

HAMLET: (in a secretive way) there are some bastards in Denmark

OWEN: we didn’t need a ghost to know that, Ham!

HAMLET: yes. Well, the ghost is real. But as for what he told me, I’d rather keep it for myself. Just don’t tell anybody

else about it, ok?

OWEN: ok

MARK: ok. But you look like a madman, ham

HAMLET: maybe I’ll have to be a madman

OWEN: what?

HAMLET: now you swear you will never mention the ghost again, ok?

OWEN: ok

HAMLET: YOU HAVE TO SWEAR! SWEAR!

GHOST from the backdrops: SWEAR

MARK AND OWEN: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

MARK: ok, ok, we swear, don’t we, Owen?

OWEN: yes, we swear!

MARK: we do!

OWEN: DAMN it! This is weird!

HAMLET: There are more things in heaven and earth, Owen, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Now, listen. I will

act strangely from now on. But don’t say anything, ok? OK? Swear!

GHOST: SWEAR

OWEN AND MARK: we swear!!!

HAMLET: good boys. Now let’s get back to our seemingly normal lives. SHHHHHH. Don’t say anything, ok?

OWEN AND MARK: ok, ok!

Exeunt They exit.

ACT 2 SCENE 1

POLONIUS enters with his SECRETARY REGINA.

POLONIUS Give LIAM this money, REGINA.

REGINA I will

POLONIUS ask around about his behavior a little

REGINA OK

POLONIUS Tell me everything my son is doing in Paris. If he spends too much, if he’s studying, what kind of girls he’s

seeing, if he takes drugs. See if he’s too much of a party animal down there. Tell people he’s a flirt and a good-for-

nothing.

REGINA But that will ruin his reputation!

POLONIUS Oh no, I wanna know how people react! If they say no, he’s a good boy. If they say yes, then he’s just

fooling around and I want him back.

REGINA But, sir—

POLONIUS Do as I say. Hey, you don’t wanna lose your job, do you?

REGINA No

POLONIUS: Good girl (he tries to touch her butt)

REGINA: don’t even think about it! Just because you are a music manager, don’t even think for a split second you can

touch me in any way!

POLONIUS Wow. Touchy!

REGINA Goodbye.

POLONIUS Don’t forget to tell me what’s he’s up to! And I hope he’s studying his music like he’s supposed to

REGINA Got it, sir.

POLONIUS Good-bye.

REGINA exits.

OPHELIA enters.

Ophelia, what’s the matter?

OPHELIA Oh, father, father, I’ve just had such a scare!

POLONIUS From what, in God’s name?

OPHELIA Father, I was up in my room listening to music when Hamlet came in with no pants, white socks, his hair in

a mess. He looked so out of his mind!

POLONIUS He’s just crazy for you! He wants you, but since you are not giving him your.... v… vicinity, he went mad!

That’s it! He’ll get over it! Just like me with Regina! I gave it up, eventually.

OPHELIA: dad!!

POLONIUS What did he say?

OPHELIA He grabbed me by the wrist and held me hard, then backed away and just looked at me for like ten

minutes! Then he left the room walking backwards!

POLONIUS This is definitely love-craziness. Did you tell him anything that might have hurt his feelings lately?

OPHELIA No, father, but I did what you told me to do and sent back his gifts and wouldn’t answer his texts.

POLONIUS It’s love. I knew it! Let’s go tell the king. Hamlet can’t be distracted by these matters. He must write the

lyrics for the next hit of the band!

exeunt

ACT 2 SCENE 2

Guitars play. CLAUDIUS and TRUDY enter with ROSS, STAN,.

TRUDY Welcome, dear ROSS and STAN. Listen, I know you and Hamlet have been friends since your childhood. I need

you to spend some time with him. He’s been acting weird, and maybe he’ll open up with you.

CLAUDIUS Yes, you are his oldest friends! And we’ll pay you for your services

ROSS Hell yeah!

STAN SHUSH! (to Ross). Yes, ma’m (to Trudy)

CLAUDIUS Thanks

TRUDY Please go see Hamlet now. He needs your help.

STAN Sure

TRUDY Claudius…

CLAUDIUS: oh, yes (gives them some money)

ROSS and STAN: thank you!

ROSS and STAN exit,.

TRUDY Polonius says he’s found out the reason for your son’s insanity. It must be his father’s death and our quick

marriage.

POLONIUS enters with the lawyers VOLTEMAND and CORNELIUS.

CLAUDIUS Well, we’ll get to the bottom of it. Welcome, my good friends. Tell me, Mr Voltemand, what’s the news

from the manager of the Fortinbras?

VOLTEMAND He said he’ll tell them to stop invading our stage at night. They just wanna cross Denmark with their

trailer, but they won’t disrupt the festival again.

CLAUDIUS Ok then. Thank you for your great job!

VOLTEMAND and CORNELIUS exit.

POLONIUS Madam, I’ll get right to the point here. Your son is crazy. “C – R – A – Z- Y”.

TRUDY What are you talking about?

POLONIUS: I’m talking about what I’m talking about! He’s out of his mind! Wanna hear what he wrote to my

daughter? That’s...preposterous!

GELTRUDE: preposterous?

POLONIUS: I’ll read it to you. It’s a letter

TRUDY: a letter? A real letter?

POLONIUS: exactly! A letter! Who writes letters nowadays? Nobody! There are emails, text messages, whatsapp

messages...Why on earth should he write a letter? And...in PINK ink??? He must be crazy! But listen!

(he reads the letter)

Offy,

OFFY? What kind of a name is this? My daughter is called OPHELIA, like her late mother, God bless her!

CLAUDIUS: yes, to put up with him...

POLONIUS: Anyways, here’s the letter:

OFFY. I like your knee on my knee

When you lie naked all over me

Trudy: Oh my, Hamlet!

CLUDIUS: let him read, honey

POLONIUS: I like your soft hair

When I grab it and you cry in despair

TRUDY: that’s not my son!

POLONIUS: I'm gonna rip out the silicone from your boobs

today you're attached to tubes

tomorow you'll be little cubes

Oh, Ophelia, I’m bad at poetry. I can’t put my feelings into idolatry, but please believe I love you best, and just forget

all the rest!

Yours forever, my dearest sky,

as long as I live—and if I die

Hamlet.”

This is preposterous! They .... they never did all this! My girl is a good girl! She’s...She’s a virgin

TRUDY: Well, that’s something only she might know...

POLONIUS What?

TRUDY: nothing.

POLONIUS I told her Hamlet is out of her league! I told her to leave him!

CLAUDIUS (to TRUDY) Do you think that’s why Hamlet’s crazy?

TRUDY Maybe

CLAUDIUS Polonius, what can we do to find out if it’s true?

POLONIUS Well, next time he shows up, I’ll send my daughter to see him. (to CLAUDIUS) You and I will hide behind

the speakers in his bedroom and watch what happens. If it turns out that Hamlet’s not in love after all, and hasn’t

gone mad from love, then you can fire me from my job and I’ll go work on a farm.

CLAUDIUS We’ll try what you suggest.

HAMLET enters, reading a book.

TRUDY Look how sad he is, my boy

POLONIUS Please go away, both of you

CLAUDIUS and TRUDY exit.

How are you, Hamlet?

HAMLET Fine, thank you.

POLONIUS Do you know who I am?

HAMLET Of course. You sell fish.

POLONIUS No, not me, sir.

HAMLET yes, you. Rotten fish. Do you have a daughter?

POLONIUS I do indeed, my lord.

HAMLET Then by all means never let her walk in public. Procreation is a good thing, but if your daughter gets

pregnant … look out, friend. Grandpa, should I say!

POLONIUS (to himself) Pregnant?!?!?!?!??!???! Oh my oh my! (to HAMLET) Ehm...what are you reading?

HAMLET .....words.

POLONIUS: and what is the subject?

HAMLET: I

POLONIUS: I mean, what do the words say?

HAMLET: Oh, just lies, sir. They say you are young. But you are not. Unless you walk backwards for 40 years. Then

you’ll be my age.

POLONIUS (to himself) There’s a method to his madness. (to Hamlet) Goodbye! (EXITS)

HAMLET: these boring old fools

ROSS AND GUILDESTERN ENTER

STAN Ham!

ROSS Yo man!

HAMLET STAN And ROSS! My buddies! What’s up?

STAN we’re Cool man!

ROSS Yeah, cool!

HAMLET In that case, let me ask you a particular question. What crimes have you committed to be sent here to this

prison?

STAN Prison, bud?

HAMLET Denmark’s a prison.

STAN We don’t think so, my lord.

HAMLET to me, Denmark is a prison.

STAN That must be because you’re so ambitious. It’s too small for your large mind.

ROSS: yes, large mind! Funny!

HAMLET No. The real problem is that I have bad dreams.

STAN: in that case I have these pills...

ROSS: pills?!?!?!??!?!

HAMLET No, no pills for me. By the way...what are YOU doing here at Elsinore?

STAN: visiting you, right Ross?

ROSS Visiting you, yes!

HAMLET Did someone tell you to visit me? Or was it just your IDEA, on your own initiative? Come on, tell me the

truth.

STAN No no, our initiative, right Ross?

ROSS: yeah, our initiative

HAMLET. Let me see.... You’ve got a guilty look on your faces, which you’re too .... honest to disguise. I know my

mother and my uncle / father called you.

ROSS Who?

STAN: What?

HAMLET You are my oldest friends. Remember when we played at the play station all afternoon? And then we

skipped school to go out with the girls of Cattaneo Deledda? And we stayed in binge watching Breaking Bad and

Pretty little Liars eating Oreos and Pringles all night? Oh, come on buddies! Don’t lie to me!

STAN: (to ROSS) What do you think?

Ross shrugs his shoulders

HAMLET If you care about me, you’ll be honest with me.

STAN Ehm. They called us.

HAMLET They think I’m mad! But I’m not interested in men (STAN AND ROSS laugh) I’m interested in minds! Do you

think I’m mad?

STAN, ROSS: YOU’RE NOT!

HAMLET So why did you laugh when I said that men don’t interest me?

STAN Because……you like girls! (Ross and Stan laugh. Hamlet gives them a bad look) I was just thinking that if people

don’t interest you, you’ll be pretty bored by the actors on their way here.

HAMLET Actors????? Which troupe is it?

ROSS From Rai Fiction! The ones you used to enjoy so much.

HAMLET What are they doing on the road?

STAN They are coming here to present the Elsinore Festival! But they can entertain us with a play in the meanwhile!

HAMLET: GOOD!

Enter players – percussions and trumpets

STAN: here are the actors!

HAMLET: Gentlemen, welcome to Elsinore. Don’t be shy—shake hands with me. You are very welcome here. But

still, my uncle-father and aunt-mother don’t know anything about drama! They can only act...BADLY

STAN: in what sense?

HAMLET Forget it, Stan.

POLONIUS enters.

HAMLET: (whispering to ROSS and STAN) I bet he’s coming to tell me about the actors; just watch.

POLONIUS I have news for you.

HAMLET I have news for you. You are old! Oh, but That’s old news!

POLONIUS The actors have arrived, my lord.

HAMLET Yawns, snores.

POLONIUS: They are the best actors in the world, either for tragedy, comedy, history, drama, Goldoni, Pirandello,

Shakespeare, Calderon, Racine, Moliere, Seneca, Terentius, Miller, Pinter, Dario Fo, Brecht…

HAMLET: bravo! You are so good! You must have studied at Sigonio High! (to the actors) Welcome my friends! I’m so

glad to see you and your costumes! Let me see! (looks at their costumes and into their suitcases) Wow! Now, down

to business! Give me a poem!

First player: A poem? Which poem?

Hamlet: A poem! Of a bard!

Second player: Ah yes! “Shall I compare Thee to a Summer’s day...”

POLONIUS: That’s boring

HAMLET: That’s Shakespeare!

POLONUS: it’s too slow

HAMLET: don’t listen to him! He only likes the fights and the sex scenes! The old dirty pig! (to FIRST PLAYER) Very

fine. I’ll have you perform the rest of it soon. (to POLONIUS)—Polonius, will you show them the way to their rooms?

POLONIUS: (sighs) I will

HAMLET: (to first player) Can you perform The Mousetrap?

FIRST PLAYER: ....KIND OF....

HAMLET: Then we’ll see that tomorrow night. By the way, if I were to compose an extra speech of twelve to sixteen

lines and stick it into the play, you could learn it by heart for tomorrow, right?

FIRST PLAYER: OK!

HAMLET: see you tomorrow night! (players leave) And you? (To ROSS and STAN). Go go go gooooooooo! (they exit)

HAMLET: Oh, what a loser I am! These actors know what they are doing! They are actors, they ACT! But me? I am a

songwriter, and I’m not writing songs! The ghost told me I should be a killer, but I won’t kill! Instead I think! Am I just

a thinker? Or a wanker? My uncle! That Bloody, inhuman bastard! Ah, revenge! But what if the ghost is not real? Is it

just my imagination? Or what I’ve been smoking? Or Frank’s gluten-free beer? I’ll have these actors perform

something like my father’s murder in front of my uncle. A king killed by his brother….I’ll watch my uncle and see if he

shakes. If does, he’s guilty! I’ll kill him! Yes, the he play’s the thing to uncover the conscience of my uncle!

ACT 3 SCENE 1

CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSS, and GUILDENSTERN Enter

STAN: cool! Hamlet’s room has always been my favourite! Wow, look at this guitar! Must be worth 5,000 dollars!

And this! A Marshall amplifier from the ‘60’s! Wow! Is it here that he writes his super songs?

TRUDY: yes

ROSS: cool!

TRUDY: Sweethearts, come here….I still remember when I used to prepare Nutella paninis when you were this

small…How cute! And how old I am!!!! Kids, can’t put your heads together and figure out why he’s acting so dazed

and confused, ruining my peace and quiet with such dangerous displays of lunacy?

ROSS: What?

TRUDY: Why is Hamlet so weird, crazy, mad, OUT OF HIS MIND!

STAN: We have no clue, ma’m

TRUDY: Did he behave normally when he saw you?

STAN: kind of…

TRUDY: Did you take him out to have fun?

STAN: no, but he was all excited when we told him the actors from Rai Fiction were coming

TRUDY: Rai Fiction? He must be really mad!

POLONIUS: It’s true, and he asked me to beg you to come and see the show

TRUDY: It makes me very happy to hear he’s so interested. We will all go, shall we, honey?

CLAUDIUS: yep…

ROSS and STAN: ok boss

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.

CLAUDIUS: Trudy, please, give us some time. We are waiting for Hamlet to come. Ophelia told him he’ll meet him

here in his bedroom. We are going to hide behind these speakers and we will observe him to understand if he is

depressed and needs to see a shrink or if he’s just a brat.

TRUDY: I wanna stay

CLAUDIUS: Honey, please. There are some things a mother should not see her son do in his own bedroom.

TRUDY: But I know him, he’s just a boy

POLONIUS: yes, a boy that will…

CLAUDIUS: shush. Trudy, please…

Exit GERTRUDE

POLONIUS: We’ll hide here. Come in when we tell you so.

CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS hide.

HAMLET enters. He is depressed. Tries to compose a song. Plays a chord on his guitar, then stops. He walks around

the room, never facing the audience. He sighs. He acts nervously. He lies down, stares at the ceiling. Then he sits up.

He starts writing.

The band plays “Stuck in a moment” by U2

Polonius and Claudius dance clumsily behind the speakers

He switches on the TV. Some scenes of Shakespearean actors are on.

HAMLET: ahhhh, this song sucks! It will never be a hit! That’s shit! (he tears the sheet music apart) He switches on

the TV. He takes off his t-shirt and puts on a hoodie. On tv some Shakespearean actors are playing the famous

soliloquy.

HAMLET: To be

Everybody in the backstage: to be to be to be to be to be to be

HAMLET: To be…..

Everybody in the backstage: to be to be to be to be to be to be

HAMLET (while the Shakespearean actors give their rendition on a muted TV)

To be, or not to be? That is the question—

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And, by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep—

No more—and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to—’tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished! To die, to sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause. There’s the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

Th' oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law’s delay,

The insolence of office, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscovered country from whose bourn

No traveler returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action.

Polonius calls Ophelia in. She enters:

Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia! What a vision!

OPHELIA: Hi! how have you been doing lately?

HAMLET Well, well, well.

OPHELIA: I came here to give you these back (hands him some presents and letters)

HAMLET: I never gave you anything.

OPHELIA: you know very well that you did, and wrote the sweetest letters to go along with them. Here you go. All

yours now.

HAMLET: are you still a virgin?

OPHELIA: Excuse me?

HAMLET: Are you beautiful?

OPHELIA: what are you talking about?

HAMLET: beauty will soon turn you into a slut! I used to love you.

OPHELIA: You certainly made me believe you did

HAMLET: You shouldn’t have believed me: I didn’t love you.

OPHELIA: Then I guess I misunderstood you

HAMLET Get yourself to a convent. Why would you want to give birth to more bastards? Hurry to a convent. Where’s

your father?

OPHELIA: at…. Home?

HAMLET: Lock him in, so he can play the fool in his own home only. Good-bye.

OPHELIA: WTF, Ham?

HAMLET: If you marry, you’ll be frigid. Good-bye. Or if you have to get married, marry a fool, since wise men know

far too well that you’ll cheat on them. Good-bye.

OPHELIA: Oh my!

HAMLET: and stop putting on all that makeup! You look like a whore! I’ll never marry you! Get yourself to a convent,

FAST!!!

Exit HAMLET

OPHELIA: he’s so mean! He’s out of his mind! Dad!

POLONIIUS: But… are you a virgin or not?

OPHELIA: Dad!

CLAUDIUS: Polonius, please! Not now! Hamlet can’t stay here. He’s out of his mind. He could fuck the festival up. I’ll

send him to England to my producer’s recording studio. He can give him a job there.

POLONIUS: I still think he’s madly in love, that’s it

CLAUDIUS: It’s all set. He’ll go to England. Madness in great ones must not unwatched go.

ACT 3 SCENE 2

Enter HAMLET and PLAYERS

HAMLET and the PLAYERS enter.

HAMLET: act as I told you before. Don’t overdo it, don’t act like Chuck Norris! Be natural! Ok?

FIRST PLAYER Sure!

HAMLET Feel the character! Trust each other! Let’s do this trust exercise, shall we? You, turn around. Now let

yourself fall over me

SECOND PLAYER: are you sure?

Hamlet: you have to trust me!

THIRD PLAYER: that’s the rub!

HAMLET: go on!

(he lets himself fall backwards. Hamlet catches him.)

That’s the spirit! Now on with the voice! Say AHHHHHHH

FIRST AND SECOND AND THIRD PLAYER: AHHHHHH

HAMLET: No! Not with your throat! With your diaphragm!

FIRST PLAYER: my what?

HAMLET: diaphragm!

FIRST PLAYER: is it a bad disease?

HAMLET: speak with your belly bottom! Now breathe in! Fill up your stomach with air, like this! Ok! Now say

AHHHHHH

FIRST PLAYER: AHHHHHHHHH

HAMLET: yes, kind of…. Now emotions! You’ll have to say my name with the emotion I’ll name

THIRD PLAYER: What?

HAMLET: yes! Like: RAGE! And you say “Hamlet”! (with rage)

SECOND PLAYER: ah

HAMLET: Ok. Happiness!

SECOND PLAYER: Sebastian! (happily)

HAMLET: you have to say the name!

SECOND PLAYER: that’s my name! Sebastian!

HAMLET: No, dumbass, MY name!

SECOND PLAYER: AHHH! Hamlet! (happily)

HAMLET: depression

FIRST PLAYER: Hamlet! (depressed)

HAMLET: revengefulness

SECOND PLAYER: Hamlet (revengeful)

HAMLET: lust

THIRD PLAYER: Ophelia (lustily)

HAMLET: My name!

THIRD PLAYER: but you don’t inspire me lust!

HAMLET: MY NAME!

THIRD player: (scared) Hamlet (kind of lustful)

HAMLET: Madness!

FIRST and SECOND AND THIRD PLAYER: HAMLET!!!!! (madly)

HAMLET: WELL DONE! We are ready! This is the part I wrote. Go and rehearse it!

PLAYERS: ok!

They exit. Owen enters

HAMLET: Hi there, Owen, my friend!

OWEN: hi bud.

HAMLET: We need to talk.

OWEN: ok!

HAMLET: you’re the only one I trust! I’m going to discover if what we have seen is real. If the ghost, or whatever it is,

told us the truth! The actors will perform a play that stages the death of a King killed in the same way as my father. I

wanna look at how my uncle reacts. If he is scared, or look guilty, then I’ll know it was him, and I’ll kill him with my

bare hands!

OWEN: if you say so….

HAMLET: here they come! Take a seat! And… WATCH!

Enter Claudius, Polonius, Ross, Stan, Trudy, Ophelia

Trudy: the actors are ready! Come on here, my boy! Sit by me!

HAMLET: yes, mum. And next to my uncle-dad. (he pushes Claudius away). (To Claudius) Are you comfortable?

CLAUDIUS: not really

HAMLET: oh well, too bad. Are you honest?

CLAUDIUS: What?

HAMLET: not really

CLAUDIUS: I don’t understand you

HAMLET: me neither. But I will. Soon

TRUDY: Hamlet, dear, leave him alone. Let’s watch the show, shall we? What’s the title of the play?

HAMLET: The Mousetrap! But it’s a metaphor!

TRUDY: a metaphor? Is it offensive? Or rude? Or too gory? I don’t like violent stuff

HAMLET: apart from when you are in bed, uh?

TRUDY: Hamlet! Stop it NOW!

HAMLET: Offy! Come here! Will you sit on my lap?

OPHELIA (looking at Polonius, who nods): o-ok

HAMLET: comfortable?

OPHELIA: y-yes

HAMLET: Oh yes OH yes OHHHHHHH YESSSSSS! (miming a sexual intercourse)

OPHELIA: Hamlet!

TRUDY: honey, please……….

HAMLET: what, mum? I thought you did this too with your BROTHER in law!

TRUDY: please, Hamlet! Stop it!

HAMLET: my father died what…. two days ago?

TRUDY: It’s been four months!

HAMLET: ahhhhhh! Four months!

The actors enter. One is dressed as a King, the other one looks like Claudius.

KING ACTOR: brother! I love thee!

CLAUDIUS ACTOR: I love thee too, brother

KING ACTOR: canst thou call my wife, the beautiful queen?

CLAUDIUS ACTOR: Yes! Anon! (exits. Enters Queen actor)

QUEEN ACTOR: My lord!

KING ACTOR: My queen! I love thee!

QUEEN ACTOR: I love thee too!

KING ACTOR: Now I am exhausted, my love! I need to rest in my orchard!

QUEEN ACTOR: yes, my lord! As you wish! Fare thee well! (They kiss) (queen exits)

KING ACTOR yawns and falls asleep. Claudius actor enters. Looks dodgy, takes out a vial of poison and pours it into

King Actor’s ear. King Actor is in excruciating pain and overdoes his acting. He dies. Claudius Actor exits.

Enters queen actor

QUEEN ACTOR: My lord. My lord? MY LORD? Wake up! Oh noooooooo ALAS!!!! He is dead! DEAD!!!!

Enter Claudius Actor

CLAUDIUS SCTOR: Oh my queen! Methinks he is dead! ALAS! The king is dead!

Players sing Spirit in the Sky

CLAUDIUS ACTOR: My queen! Thou art so beautiful!

QUEEN ACTOR: and so lonely!

CLAUDIUS ACTOR: wilt thou marry me?

QUEEN ACTOR: ehm…uhm… Mh….. YES!

CLAUDIUS: This is fucked up! This is the worst show I’ve ever seen! Stop it now! Go away! You suck! (exits with

Trudy, Ross and Stan)

Hamlet: I knew it! His guilt dragged him out of here!

Stan and Ross enter

STAN: your uncle is upset!

HAMLET: What, an upset stomach from too much booze?

STAN: He looks scared!

ROSS: Very scared!

STAN: and your mum is crying!

ROSS: crying!

STAN: I said it!

HAMLET: ah, poor thing. With that beast! I bet she’s crying! Here, Stan, play this guitar for me. I wanna compose a

song. D minor

STAN: but…I can’t play

HAMLET: what do you mean you can’t play?

ROSS: He can’t play!

HAMLET: you can’t play? Why then can you play me so well?

ROSS AND STAN: uh???????

HAMLET: my god, do you think I’m easier to manipulate than a guitar? You can’t play me, you fools!

STAN: your mum wants to speak with you

HAMLET: and I will speak with her, I’ll try to be cruel, but not inhuman! (they all exit)

ACT 3 SCENE 3

Claudius enters

CLAUDIUS: Ross, Stan. Ross, STAN! ROSS, STAN!

Ross and Stan enter

ROSS AND STAN: yes?

CLAUDIUS: you and Hamlet have to go to England

STAN: England? Why? No!

CLAUDIUS: you will! I’ll send you all to see my producer. I need Hamlet out of the way. He’s disturbed and delusional.

And I need to concentrate on rehearsals for the festival. Now go pack your stuff.

STAN AND ROSS: ok

They exit. Hamlet enters and hides.

CLAUDIUS: Oh, Jesus, what have I done? Why? To have all this? And Trudy? Is this worth it? Ahhhh, I should have

never killed my brother! The guilt is killing me! (Kneels down) Oh God, forgive me… (he prays)

Hamlet goes near Claudius, grabs a guitar and acts as if he’s going to smash it on his head.

HAMLET: And if I kill him now…. now that he’s syill innocent to the masses…..off he goes to eternal fame! No. I’ll wait

till everybody knows what he did. I’ll kill him while he’s doing something disgusting, so his fame will fade off in a

second!

Claudius stand up and exits

Polonius enters

POLONIUS: your mother is waiting for you

HAMLET: ok

Polonious hides behind a poster. Trudy enters

HAMLET Now mother, what’s this all about?

TRUDY Hamlet, you’ve insulted your father.

HAMLET Mother, you’ve insulted my father.

TRUDY: don’t play with me, Hamlet

HAMLET What’s the problem now?

TRUDY Have you forgotten who I am?

HAMLET For God’s sake no, I haven’t. You are Trudy, your husband’s brother’s wife, and you are my aunt and my

mother, though I wish you weren’t.

TRUDY: you are hurting me, you know that?

HAMLET: No. Now, sit down. You won’t move until I hold a mirror up to you, where you will see what’s deep inside

you. (Hamlet sits on her and holds her head violently so that she can see her face in the mirror)

GERTRUDE Hamlet! You wanna kill me? Help!!!

POLONIUS (from behind the hiding place) Oh fuck! Fuck!

HAMLET: What’s this, a rat? I’ll bet a buck he’s a dead rat now.

(he stabs a knife that was on his mother’s plate through the poster of Claudius and kills POLONIUS) I’ll bet a buck

he’s a dead rat now.

POLONIUS: AHHHHHHHH!

TRUDY Oh my God, what have you done?

HAMLET I don’t know. Is it my uncle?

GERTRUDE: Oh, that’s terrible! Terrible!

HAMLET: A horrible act—almost as bad, my good mother, as killing a king and marrying his brother.

TRUDY Killing a king?

HAMLET That’s what I said, my good woman.

(draws back the POSTER and discovers POLONIUS)

Oh hello, you, low-life, nosy, busybody fool, goodbye. I thought you were somebody more important. Stop crying,

mother! Sit down and let me make you cry instead. Do you still have a heart? Let me grab it and see if it’s soft or if it

has hardened up!

TRUDY: Hamlet, I am your mother!

HAMLET: A whore! You’re disgusting! Look at the picture of my father! How handsome he was! And how good! And

you…you now are sleeping with his rotten image, his phony brother! What have you done????

TRUDY: Don’t make me think about it, Hamlet

HAMLET: and on these very dirty sheets you make love to him and engender a bastard race!!!! You slut!

Enter Ghost

GHOST: Stop!

HAMLET: father! Oh father!

TRUDY: Hamlet! Oh Hamlet, you have lost your mind! Whom are you talking to? There’s nobody there!

GHOST: don’t hurt your mother! Strike the serpent who killed me, not his beautiful fruit of heaven!

HAMLET: yes, father

TRUDY: Hamlet, stop! You are scaring me!

HAMLET: look at him! That’s how he looks now! Your husband did this!

TRUDY: there’s no one here, Hamlet!

HAMLET: he’s leaving now! Look, look! (ghost exits)

TRUDY: You’re sick, son. You need to see a doctor and…

HAMLET: It’s not my madness! It’s your guilt!

TRUDY: Oh Hamlet, you’ve broken my heart!

HAMLET: then don’t sleep with my uncle tonight! Or no! Fuck him! Fuck him all night, let him touch you with his

filthy fingers and kiss you with his serpent’s tongue all over your body! And tell him that I am not mad! That I know

the truth! That he should kill me too!

TRUDY: I will not say a word.

HAMLET: Now say goodbye to this rat! Adieu (exits dragging Polonius)

ACT 4 SCENE 1

CLAUDIUS ENTERS. TRUDY CRIES AND sighs

CLAUDIUS: What’s up, Trudy, Dear? Where’s your son?

TRUDY: Ah, Claudius, you wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen tonight!

CLAUDIUS: What, Trudy? And how is Hamlet?

TRUDY: Mad, my love, MAD! He was…he was here with me, he was rantling about you and me, and in an insane

rage, he heard something behind the tapestry, got a knife that was on my bedside table, shouted, “A rat, a rat!” and

in his deranged state of mind he killed… Polonous!

CLAUDIUS: What????? This is insane!

TRUDY: Shall we call the police?

CLAUDIUS: What? No! They’d put him away for good!

TRUDY: What shall we do then?

CLAUDIUS: Oh, this is terrible! He wanted to kill me! We want to take care of him before it all gets worse. Where is

he now?

GERTRUDE: he went to get rid of Polonius’s body!

CLAUDIUS: Trudy, we have to send him away. He’s too dangerous here

TRUDY: dangerous?

CLAUDIUS: for himself! He will get caught soon if we don’t do anything about it! I’ll send him to England straight

away! Stan! Ross!

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

Hamlet has gone mad! Go find him and get him to tell you where Polonius’s corpse is

STAN: Corpse?

CLAUDIUS: yes, corpse. Now GO!

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

TRUDY: Claudius, I don’t know if this is the right choice… Hamlet needs help from a doctor

CLAUDIUS: bullshit. He’ll need a lawyer if we don’t hurry. Let’s go!

HAMLET enters.

HAMLET: The body is safely hidden.

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter

STAN: Bud, what have you done with the dead body?

HAMLET: The body’s with the king, but the king’s not with the body. The king’s a thing …

STAN and ROSS: What?

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet! Son! Where is Polonius? Please, tell us!

HAMLET: At dinner.

CLAUDIUS: At dinner where?

HAMLET: Not where he’s eating, but where he’s being eaten. By worms!

TRUDY: Alas, alas!

HAMLET: A man can fish with the worm that ate a king, and then eat the fish he catches with that worm.

CLAUDIUS: What do you mean?

HAMLET: Nothing much, just to demonstrate that a king can move through the shit of a beggar.

TRUDY: LOVE, where is Polonius?

HAMLET: In heaven. Or hell. And If you don’t find him within the next month, you’ll be sure to smell him as you go

upstairs into the main stage.

TRUDY: (to Ross and Stan) Go look for him there.

Ross and Stan Exeunt in a hurry

HAMLET: No need to hurry, he’s not going anywhere.

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, you must go to England NOW for your own safety

HAMLET: NOW?

CLAUDIUS: yes, NOW

HAMLET: Now it is then! Aurevoir! Bye mother!

Kisses Trudy and exits

TRUDY: is it really necessary?

CLAUDIUS: yes, my love

Trudy cries and exits

CLAUDIUS: yes, it’s necessary. (on the phone): Henry! Hi! How are things, mate? Yes, yes, she’s ok! Listen! You owe

me big deal for that copyright business I helped you with last year, right? Ok. So, I can’t speak much on the phone,

but I will send you some instructions. I’ll send you a nice box of Habaneros. Once you’ve smoked one, please get rid

of the person whose name is on the message you’ll find with them, ok? ….. (he scribbles a name on a piece of paper

and puts it in the habanero box) i don’t know, you decide. Send one of your security guards. They can deal with it,

ok? Thanks, bud.

He shows the piece of paper. It reads “KILL HAMLET”

MUSIC

ACT 4 scene 2

Fortinbras enters

FORTINBRAS: Hello! Anybody here?

HAMLET enters

FORTINBRAS: we want permission to cross the festival venue with our trailer.

HAMLET: why?

FORTINBRAS: I’m Fortinbras, the frontman of the …Fortinbras! We’re playing in Poland next week and we’re

travelling through Europe with our trailer. We don’t wanna use planes. We like sticking to our instruments

HAMLET: that’s cool. Wow. You’re real artists. Real musicians! Not little good-for-nothing who travel business class

and let their roadies do all the work! I look up to you, bro! Feel free to cross the festival!

FORTINBRAS: Who are you?

HAMLET: Hamlet

FORTINBRAS: The son of The King!

HAMLET: The son of the dead king. The new King is not my father.

FORTINBRAS: Ok. Thanks mate. Bye!

Fortinbras exits

Hamlet: What a coward I am! Fortinbras has the courage to cross Europe and be an artist! Me? What am I? I could

be the new King, but I’m just a coward songwriter!

ROSS AND STAN enter with backpacks, cameras, maps of London

STAN: Mate! Are you ready to leave! London We’re coming!!!! I wanna see a concert of Fatboyslim! And have a beer

in a pub there! And go on the London Eye! And go to Madame Tussaud’s, and go to…

HAMLET: Shakespeare’s globe!

STAN: SHAKX What?

HAMLET: Whatever (exits)

ROSS: Shakespeare’s Globe!

STAN: Ah.

Exeunt

ACT 4 scene 3

GELTRUDE and OWEN enter

OWEN: Ophelia is sick, Trudy. Very sick. She is delusional.

GELTRUDE: Oh, poor Ophelia! What’s up with her?

OWEN: She won’t take a bath. She looks a wreck. She hears voices and she sings senseless songs…

TRUDY: Oh my. (to herself) What have I done? (To OWEN): I wanna see her!

OWEN exits and enters with Ophelia

Ophelia enters, insane

Hums “A song to say Goodbye” by Placeebo

Ophelia: You are one of god's mistakes.

You crying, tragic waste of skin.

I'm well aware of how it aches.

And you still won't let me in.

Now I'm breaking down your door,

To try and save your swollen face.

Though I don't like you anymore

You lying, trying waste of space.

TRUDY: Ophelia…. Ophelia! What’s wrong with you, sweetheart! Talk to me!

OPHELIA: My oh my.

A song to say goodbye.

A song to say goodbye

A song to say goodbye,

A song to say,

Before our innocence was lost

You were always one of those blessed with lucky sevens,

And the voice that made me cry.

TRUDY: What have you done to yourself, Ophelia? What are these holes along your arms?????? Oh my!!!!! We need

a doctor!

Enters Claudius

CLAUDIUS: What’s up?

TRUDY: Look at her! Look at her arms! Oh my! Call a doctor!

CLAUDIUS: it’s no use! She needs to rest. I’ll call a rehab I know and….

TRUDY: you don’t understand!

OPHELIA: MAYBE….. I shouldn’t have slept with your son?????? Son of a BITCH!

TRUDY: Oh my! (faints. Claudius helps her)

LIAM enters, enraged

LIAM: So where the fuck is this so-called king …or…Kink, should I say? There you are! I’m gonna break your neck! You

let somebody kill my father at your bloody festival?!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!

TRUDY: Shhhhhh (looks at Ophelia)

LIAM: Ophelia! Little sis!

OPHELIA: I shouldn’t have slept with him…..

You were Mother Nature's son.

Someone to whom I could relate.

Your needle and your damage done,

Remains a sordid twist of fate,

Now I'm trying to wake you up,

To pull you from the liquid sky.

Cause if I don't we'll both end up with just your songs that say goodbye.

LIAM: What the hell is happening here? You, KING, tell me!! (attacks Claudius. Trudy tries to stop him)

TRUDY: let him speak!

LIAM: go on!

CLAUDIUS: I loved your father, believe me! It’s none of my fault! I wanna help you!

LIAM: I wanna kill the son-of-a-bitch who killed my dad!

TRUDY: AHHHH, again! Hey, watch your words!

OPHELIA: look at my flowers! Pansies are for thought! Think about it, you all! And fennel and columbines, for you

Trudy… They smell like adultery! Claudius, rue is for you! It has the scent of repentance! And Rosemary is for

remembrance! Remember our dead father, brother! Daises are for unhappy loves. For me. I would give you a pure

lily, pure as a virgin….but they are all dead! La la la la la……

LIAM: oh, little sister! Who has done this to her??????

CLAUDIUS: come with me, LIAM….

Exeunt

Lights off

ACT 4 Scene 5

London Lights on

Ross and Stan and Hamlet enter

STAN: well, this is cool, man! London! Wow! Look at that! A big bus! With two…. Two…

HAMLET: It’s a double decker, Stan

ROSS: Double Decker, yes, I knew it!

STAN: take a picture, Ross! A selfie! Come on! (2 big gangsters enter. They step on their feet)

Gangster1: what the heck? Who are you? Watch your steps!

STAN: Uh? Hey, what the heck? Wanna fight, wanna fight, uh?

Lights off. Exeunt

ACT 4 Scene 6

Elsinore lights on

Enter Claudius and Liam

CLAUDIUS: LIAM, listen. I want him dead as much as you want. But I’ve taken care of it

LIAM: Why didn’t you do it here? Immediately?

CLAUDIUS: It’s not so easy. His mother loves him so much! I couldn’t have done it in front of her! But now he has to

go. I sent a message to one of my producers in London. He owes me big time. He’ll kill Hamlet as soon as he gets

there.

LIAM: I really hope so

CLAUDIUS: then you’ll be the songwriter of my band. A real one!

They toast

Lighjts off

ACT 4 scene 6

London Lights on. Hamlet, Ross and Stan are sitting in a dark room, their feet and hands bound

HAMLET: What the fuck, Stan! Why didn’t you shut the hell up! Look where we are now! In the hands of some British

gangsters!

STAN: Sorry, bud!

ROSS: sorry? (He kicks him)

STAN: I’m exhausted. (yawns)

ROSS: yawns. They fall asleep. Hamlet sees something in Stan’s pocket. He manages to get it. It’s cigars. Inside there’s

a piece of paper that reads “Kill Hamlet”. Hamlet disentangles himself, changes the writing and writes “Kill Ross and

Stan” then puts it back into Stan’s pocket. Then he wakes them up.

HAMLET: Hey guys! Let’s go! We’re free! Quick quick quick before they come back!

STAN: where to?

HAMLET: Weinstein! We have to see my uncle’s producer, can’t you remember?

ROSS: yes!

They sneak out. Hamlet calls Weinstein.

HAMLET: Hi, there! It’s Hamlet! Can you pick us up near the London eye, please? Yes, we’re here! OK!

He’s just around the corner!

STAN: what a lucky strike! I’m so tired!

HAMLET: yes! I’d have a cigar to relax, right now!

STAN: cigar? AH, yes, I have to deliver this box to Weinstein!

Weinstein enters with a bodyguard

WEINSTEIN: Hi everybody! Welcome to London!

STAN: hi, mate! Thanks for picking us up! You’d never guess what a bad day we’ve had! Bad day! Fancy a cigar?

Expensive ones! Habaneros!!! Claudius sent them!

WEINSTEIN: yes, I was waiting for them! Thanks! (He opens the case, gets a cigar. Reads the message. Lights a cigar.

Has a puff. Looks at his bodyguard. The Bodyguard gets his gun.

Stan: What? Oh, no! There must be a mistake! Not us! Him, him!

Bodyguard: down to your knees!

Stan: NO!

Bodyguard: NOW!!!

Kills Ross and Stan. Hamlet runs away. London lights off. The gun goes off twice

ACT 4 scene 7

Elsinore lights. Claudius and LIAM are still drinking

Claudius receives a phone call

CLAUDIUS: So, in the box of Habaneros there’s Hamlet’s name. He’ll have him killed by his bodyguard. (phone goes

off) Gotta get this. yes? What? Really? O fffffffuck! Ok, thanks

LIAM: What’s up?

CLAUDIUS: Ross and Stan are dead

LIAM: as if you cared

CLAUDIUS: they were killed in place of Hamlet…..something went wrong….

LIAM: WHAT???????????

CLAUDIUS: I’m sorry

LIAM: Sorry? SORRY? I’m gonna kill you instead!

CLAUDIUS: CALM DOWN! We’ll take care of it here. It will look like an accident! I have an idea.

LIAM: what idea? Like the habanero box idea???? GENIUS!

CLAUDIUS: listen. You’ll challenge Hamlet. He likes challenges. You’ll challenge him in a fencing duel

LEARTES: He can’t fence!

CLAUDIUS: that’s the point! But he thinks he can! We’ll organize a competition here at the festival. He’ll want to fight

against you!

LIAM: But I can’t kill him with a fencing sword!

CLAUDIUS: not if it’s a regular one! But we’ll use a trick! We’ll put some of this poison on the tip of the sword. I’ve

been using it to kill rats around the festival venue. It can kill an elephant in a matter of minutes. Just a little scratch

on his neck, and…goodbye Hamlet!

LIAM: That’s lame

CLAUDIUS: Lame? Do you wanna avenge your father? And your sister’s drug addiction? And become my songwriter?

LIAM: yes

CLAUDIUS: so nothing is so lame!

LIAM: true. But If I don’t manage to scratch him?

CLAUDIUS: mhhhh. We’d better have a backup plan. Got it. I’ll put some poison in his drink. When he stops to have

some or to celebrate his victory, he’ll die of…joy (Chuckles)

LIAM: You’re fucked up, man

(they hear a scream from outside)

CLAUDIUS: What’s that?

Trudy enters

Trudy: OHHHH Claudius, what have we done to deserve this? Oh, poor, poor LIAM!

LIAM: What’s up, Trudy?

TRUDY: It’s your sister. She took a fatal dose of heroin. She’s ODed. She’s dead. Ophelia is dead!

LIAM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (falls on his knees)

Lights off. Music: a Song to Say Goodbye (Placeebo)

Exeunt.

ACT 5 SCENE 1

A GRAVEDIGGER and the OTHER gravedigger enter.

GRAVEDIGGER

Are they really going to give her a Christian burial AFTER SHE KILLED HERSELF?

OTHER I’m telling you, yes. So finish that grave right away.

HAMLET and Owen enter in the distance.

OWEN: Welcome back to Denmark, bud!

HAMLET: yes. For a funeral? Look at them!

GRAVEDIGGER: (picks up a skull) Hey, look what I’ve found! It must have been buried here for a while!

They start playing football with the skull

HAMLET: hey! That skull could be that of a politician! Or a singer!

OWEN: or of a football player!

HAMLET: or a gangster! (to Gravedigger) Excuse me, sir, whose grave is this?

GRAVEDIGGER Mine, sir.

HAMLET What man are you digging it for?

GRAVEDIGGER For no man, sir.

HAMLET What woman, then?

GRAVEDIGGER For no woman, either.

HAMLET Who’s to be buried in it?

GRAVEDIGGER One that was a woman, sir, but, rest her soul, she’s dead.

HAMLET: how literal you are! How long have you been a gravedigger?

GRAVEDIGGER: I started the day that young Hamlet was born—the one who went out of his mind and got sent off to

England.

HAMLET Why was he sent to England?

GRAVEDIGGER Because he was crazy.

HAMLET How did he go crazy?

GRAVEDIGGER In a strange way, they say.

HAMLET How long will a man lie in his grave before he starts to rot?

GRAVEDIGGER he’ll last eight or nine years.

HAMLET (picking up the skull) Whose was it?

GRAVEDIGGER A crazy bastard. A comedian! This was Yorick’s skull!

HAMLET This one?

GRAVEDIGGER: Yes, that one.

HAMLET Let me see. (he takes the skull) Oh, poor Yorick! I used to know him, Owen—a very funny guy, and with an

excellent imagination. He carried me on his back a thousand times, and now—how terrible—this is him. It makes my

stomach turn. I don’t know how many times I kissed the lips that used to be right here. Where are your jokes now?

Your pranks? Your songs? You don’t make anybody smile now.

CLAUDIUS enters with GERTRUDE, LAERTES, and a coffin, with a PRIEST and others.

HAMLET: Whose funeral is this? Who is dead?

SONG: Take me to church

LIAM: (to the priest) Lay her in the ground, and let violets bloom from her lovely and pure flesh! My sister will be an

angel in heaven.

HAMLET (to HORATIO) What, Ophelia?

TRUDY: Sweet flowers for a sweet girl. Goodbye! (she scatters flowers) I once hoped you’d be my Hamlet’s wife. I

thought I’d be tossing flowers on your wedding bed, my sweet girl, not on your grave.

LIAM Oh, damn Hamlet! Damn you, Hamlet! I’ll kill him! I loved you so much, sis!

HAMLET: Do you think you loved her more than I did? You boastful bastard!

LIAM: What? Come here, you filth! Come here!

They fight

TRUDY: Hamlet! Hamlet!

CLAUDIUS: Stop!

GERTRUDE What’s up with you, son?

HAMLET I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers, if you added all their love together, couldn’t match mine. What

are you going to do for her?

CLAUDIUS Oh, he’s crazy, Laertes!

HAMLET Damn it, show me what you’re going to do for her. Will you cry? Fight? Stop eating? Cut yourself? Drink

vinegar? Eat a crocodile? I’ll do all that. Did you come here to whine? To outdo me by jumping into her grave so

theatrically? To be buried alive with her? So will I.

exits

TRUDY: This is pure insanity.

CLAUDIUS: Liam, we’ll take care of this

Exeunt

ACT 5 scene 2

OWEN: so your uncle wanted to kill you?

HAMLET: yep

OWEN: incredible…

Enters Regina

HAMLET: Regina! Didn’t you lose your job now that your boss is dead? That pig, Polonius?

REGINA: Claudius hired me, Hamlet. I’m his personal assistant now

HAMLET: very personal indeed (MIMES A SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)

REGINA: slaps his face. Your father has organized a fencing challenge between you and Liam. What do you say about

that?

HAMLET: fencing? I love fencing!

REGINA: do you accept the challenge?

HAMLET: Oh, yes! It will be fun to scratch Liam a little bit

OWEN: but you haven’t fenced for years!

HAMLET: don’t worry! It’s like riding a bike! Once you’ve learnt how to do it, you can do it forever!

REGINA: great! I’ll tell Claudius!

ACT 5 scene 3

Lights off

Music

All enter

Liam dips his sword in some poison. Hamlet gets ready

CLAUDIUS Come shake hands with Liam, Hamlet. (CLAUDIUS places LAERTES' and HAMLET’s hands together)

HAMLET (to LAERTES) I beg your pardon, Liam. I’ve done you wrong. Forgive me.

LAERTES Apologies accepted.

HAMLET Thank you. Come on, give us the swords, and we will play this friendly fencing match enthusiastically. Then

we can open this majestic Elsinore Festival

LIAM: deal (they shake hands)

HAMLET: ready?

LIAM: ready

HAMLET and LIAM fence.

HAMLET: hit!

LIAM: no!

REGINA (TAKING NOTES); yep!

CLAUDIUS Give me a glass.—Hamlet. Here’s to your health.

CLAUDIUS drops poison into a cup.

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet! Drink something! You’re sweating!

HAMLET Let me just finish this round. I’ll have it later

HAMLET and LIAM fence.

HAMLET: Another hit. What do you say?

LAERTES You got me

CLAUDIUS My son will win.

GERTRUDE He’s weak and out of breath. (to Hamlet) Here, Hamlet, take my scarf and wipe your forehead.

Mommy drinks to your good luck and happiness, Hamlet. (she lifts the cup with the poison)

CLAUDIUS Gertrude, don’t drink that.

GERTRUDE Excuse me? I’ll drink it if I like. (she drinks)

HAMLET: come on, Liam!

HAMLET and LIAM fence.

LIAM: Take this!

LIAM wounds HAMLET.

HAMLET: you got me!

Then in a scuffle they end up with each other’s swords, and HAMLET wounds LIAM

CLAUDIUS: Not so hard, Hamlet!

TRUDY faints

OWEN: Trudy!

REGINA How do you feel, Laertes?

LIAM Like a mouse caught in my own trap, Regina. (he collapses)

HAMLET Mother?

CLAUDIUS She fainted at the sight of you bleeding.

TRUDY No, no, the drink, the drink!—O my dear Hamlet! The drink, the drink! I am poisoned. (dies)

HAMLET Mother! Who did this to her????? Lock the doors! Everyone stay here!

LAERTES I did it, Hamlet. Hamlet, you’re dead. The sword was dipped in poison. I’ll die too. Your mother’s been

poisoned. I can’t speak anymore. The king, the king’s to blame.

HAMLET The blade poisoned! Then get to work, poison! HAMLET wounds CLAUDIUS slightly.

CLAUDIUS: You and Liam got all the poison! It’s just a scratch! It won’t hurt me!

HAMLET Here, you goddamn incest-breeding Danish murderer, drink this. Is your fucking poison in there? Follow my

mother.

Everyone is in panic

HAMLET: I’m dying, Owen

OWEN: No, Hamlet!

Doors open. The Fortinbras enter

HAMLET: Oh! I bet Fortinbras will win the next Emmy. He deserves it. He’s got my vote as I die. And, the rest is

silence. (he dies)

Song: The sound of Silence

FORTINBRAS: What the hell has happened here?

OWEN it’s a tragedy

FORTINBRAS Oh my, this mayhem. And just for a crown (picks up Claudius’s crown) Let’s give Hamlet a public

funeral. He deserves it. He is the soul of contemporary rock. He won’t be forgotten.

OWEN: That’s what he deserves. He loved Rock and Roll. Let the Elsinore Rock Festival begin in memory of Hamlet,

Prince of The Denmark!

Concert lights on

Music: I love Rock and Roll

Ghost

Claudius

Hamlet

Ross and Stan

Fortinbras

Polonius

Ballerine

Voltemand and Cornelius

Ophelia

Actor 1, 2, 3

Frank

Ben

Mark

Owen

Liam

Regina

Bodyguard

Weinstein

Gangsters

Gravedigger

Other gravedigger