about kavita j patel kavita has been studying ancient eastern philosophy since she was 10 years old,...

© 2016 Kavita J. Patel | www.kavitajpatel.com

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ABOUT KAVITA J PATEL

Described as a cross between Deepak

Chopra and Judge Judy, Kavita J. Patel is

quickly becoming the leading expert in

Love today.

Kavita J. Patel is a Love & Relationship

coach whose mission is to help people

understand that relationships are a

window into the self.

Her practical-meets-spiritual, no-nonsense method of coaching teaches

her clients how to turn inwards to identify the patterns that stop us from

receiving love.

Using this methodology, her signature 12-week course, Soul Level

Love, has helped thousands of people around the globe clear their

love blocks and break free of their subconscious parental patterns to

create deep levels of connection and intimacy within themselves and

with their partners.

Kavita has been studying ancient eastern philosophy since she was

10 years old, and has been featured in Huffington Post, FoxNews,

CBSNews, Women’s Health Magazine, Women’s Day Magazine, Time

Out NY, and more. She has also spoken at SOAR by Steve Harvey,

Institute For Integrative Nutrition, Reveal, Thrive, and more.


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WHAT THIS QUIZ WILL DO FOR YOUR LOVE LIFE

This Quiz was created to help you identify the patterns that are playing

out in your love life, and are unknowingly blocking you from having the

kind of love you deeply desire. The kind of love that lasts, lights you up,

supports you, challenges you, and has you feeling so incredibly loved

in every cell of your being.

Whether you are single, in a relationship, married, or in a “complicated”

situation, this Quiz will support you in having an AH-HA moment. You’ll

realize what’s keeping you stuck, lonely, and feeling like you’re hitting

your head up against the same wall in love - over and over again.

What I want you to know first and foremost is that what you’re going to

learn from this Quiz isn’t a quick fix or a magic pill to call in “the one”

or transform your current relationship. There is no such thing.

Instead, this quiz will support you in diving

deeper into what’s happening inside of

you to show you a more conscious path

to true love.

Because here’s the truth: Every

relationship serves as a window into

your self.


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Every relationship you’ve ever had -- from first date to marriage -- can

serve as insight into what’s happening inside of yourself.

You see, whether you are currently single or have been married for

years, our paths in love are not separate. The outside might look

different, but we’re all on the same journey, trying to identify what’s

blocking us from truly letting in love.

Through releasing those blocks, we get clear on who is right for us and

how to create the kind of love that lasts. A love that has you feeling fully

connected on an emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual level to

the person you choose.

Because the reality is our divorce rate wouldn’t be close to 50% if

everyone that found love and got married had it figured out.

Our first role models in love are our parents, or those who raised us,

and that shapes how we receive love.

As children, we watched how our parents loved each other, or how

they showed us love, and we translated that to mean something.

We decided we admired some things, and that we disliked others,

or that they would get us hurt. Over time, those translations become

subconscious beliefs about how to have the kind of love that lasts.

These subconscious beliefs are in the driver’s seat of our love lives

today.


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So, the journey to having what you want in love is really about

becoming aware of and releasing those

outdated, subconscious patterns we

picked up from our parents, because

they are no longer serving us. We need

to heal them, so that we can open up

to love in a powerful way and access

a level of presence that allows us to

truly see the other person and be

seen ourselves.

This Quiz serves as a starting place

for you to discover your patterns or

blocks to love.

I’m sure you’re itching to find out if you’re the Nurturer, Fixer, Doubter,

or Idealist...

GO TO PAGE 9 TO START THE QUIZ

MY STORY

I have been studying love and relationships over the last 20 years.

And have tried and tested my method on how to breakthrough in love

with the thousands of women I have helped along the way.


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But it all started because I’ve been through it all in my own love life.

Hemal (my husband) and I have literally gone from break up (where he

broke up with me) to make up, to marriage, and then close to divorce,

over the last 15 years.

The first time Hemal broke up with me, he said he had been unhappy

for months and just couldn’t commit in the way I wanted.

I was completely devastated because I had no idea that he felt this

way. In fact, I was thinking he was about to propose to me and was in

complete shock.

I tried to get him back. I even begged. I tried to show him how much I

cared about him, and knew him, and that no one else could love him

like me.

Nothing worked. In fact it pushed him even further away.

So, I was so surprised when he came back into my life a year and a half

later.

I was on cloud 9. I couldn’t believe it. The love of my life was back.

Then we got married, and I fell back into the same patterns I thought I

had vowed I wouldn’t fall back into after he broke up with me.

And again, Hemal said to me. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

This was my wake up call...


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I knew no matter how smart and self aware I was there was something

blocking me. I couldn’t figure this out by myself.

I learned from the best coaches in the world, and went to world-

reknown seminars.

I learned that I was pushing Hemal away, and it wasn’t about

him specifically - I would have pushed any man away.

Because there there were core beliefs in my subconscious

that I was unaware of that were in the driver’s seat.

And these beliefs had everything to do with the way I

translated my parents relationship, and the way they

showed me love.

These realizations were powerful but there was a gap in what

I was learning.

Nobody was teaching how to move through these beliefs so that they

would no longer affect me or have me push love away again.

I was not willing to let this happen so I spent years and invested a lot of

time and money to figuring out how to move through these beliefs for

once and for all.

Hemal and I are now in a profoundly connected intimate relationship,

that I know in my gut will go the distance.


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Our communication is through the

roof, and we deeply hear and see one

another, and support each other’s

dreams and freedom.

Through my own experiences

and through helping thousands of

women breakthrough in love, I saw

distinct patterns where it didn’t

matter if someone had the most

amazing upbringing and loving

parents to the worst experience

one could imagine, it ALL was

impacting their love lives.

It was mind blowing.

I have now spent the last 10 years refining exactly what it takes to have

the kind of love that you desire, and supporting women through my

signature 12-week Soul Level Program and through free resources like

this quiz.

So let’s dive in!


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HOW TO TAKE THE QUIZ

Step 1: How to Anwer the Questions

Think back to what your relationship was like with your parents, or

those who raised you, when you were younger, and compare it to now.

Really tap into those feelings and let yourself feel them for a moment.

You can still do this if you’ve lost one or both of your parents at a young

age, were raised by your grandparents, your parents divorced when

you were 2, you never knew one parent, you were adopted, or you

were raised by both parents in a healthy home.

Here are a bunch of examples to help you answer the questions:

If you were raised by a stepparent for most of your life (let’s say from 2

or 4 years of age onwards), and you consider that stepparent your real

parent, then use them in this exercise. Otherwise use your biological

parents.

If you never knew your parents at all and were raised by your

grandparents, use them.

If you were raised by your grandparents but knew your parents, use

your parents.

If you were adopted and never knew your birth parents, use your

adoptive parents.


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If, for example, your Dad passed away several years ago, and let’s say

your relationship was pretty much the same with him your whole life.

Answer from how you felt in your relationship with him, overall.

If your relationship with your parents changed over time, use how

you felt when you were little. This is when those subconscious beliefs

formed (so we want to tap back into what you were feeling then that

created them).

IMPORTANT NOTE: Use your best judgement. If you follow your gut on

this it will steer you in the right direction.

Step 2: Simply Answer True or False

The quiz is very simple - just answer True or False to each question.

Some of the answers may be difficult to answer, but always go with

your first instinct - even if it is just 1% more than the other.

Step 3: Total Up the ‘True’ Answers

Total up your number of “True” answers, and write that number on the

total line. So, if there are 5 True Answers for Dad, then write “5” on the

Total Line for Dad.

When you are done with the test, you will be given your next step

instructions on how to calculate and understand your results.


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LET’S TAKE THE QUIZ

Answer True or False to the following statements, the best you can and

total up the number of “TRUE” answers:

Level of Connection with Dad:

Total # of “True” Answers: _______

If your Total is 5 + then the connection with your Dad is high.

You’re probably daddy’s little girl, or you were when you were younger.

I felt like my dad raised me.

My father and I have a close relationship, and always

have.

I felt like my dad loves me unconditionally.

When we talk, we tend to get into the deeper

conversations, not just day-to-day catching up.

When the phone rings and I see it’s my dad, I’m usually

excited to pick up.

When I’m upset with my dad about something, I can tell

him right away.

I’ve always talked to my dad on a regular basis.

I liked having my dad around my friends.

I believe that my dad was and is a good father.

I would want my own children to be fathered by the kind

of dad I have.

________

________

________

________

________

________

________

________

________

________


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You feel connected to him. You guys have an emotional connection.

You talk to him about a lot of different things in your life and you listen

to his input.

If your Total is 5 or less then the connection with your Dad is low.

Maybe he was emotionally unavailable when you were younger. He

wasn’t around very much. He wasn’t around at all. Overall, he was

distant in your life, and you don’t feel emotionally connected to him.

Level of Connection with Mom:

Total # of “True” Answers: _______

I felt like my mom raised me.

My mother and I have a close relationship, and always

have.

I have always felt like my mom loves me unconditionally.

When we talk, we tend to get into the deeper

conversations, not just day-to-day catching up.

When the phone rings and I see it’s my mom, I’m usually

excited to pick up.

When I am upset with my mom about something, I tell

her right away.

I’ve always talk to my mom on a regular basis.

I liked having my mom around my friends.

I believe that my mom was and is a good mother.

If or when I am a mom, I would like to be a mom like

mine was.

________

________

________

________

________

________

________

________

________

________


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If your Total is 5+ then the connection with your Mom is high:

You probably talk to her all the time. Maybe you’re like best friends.

You’re really open with her about what’s going on in your life. You feel

like she has been there for you emotionally and physically, is reliable,

and you probably admire her in many ways.

If your Total 5 or less then the connection with your Mom is low:

Maybe she wasn’t emotionally available, so when you would open up

to her and show your feelings she would shut you down. Maybe she

was really critical of you, and you butted heads a lot. Maybe she was

depressed a lot, and you felt like you had to take care of her more than

she was capable of taking care of you.

HOW TO FIGURE OUT YOUR TYPE

Step 1: Locate Your Coordinates on the Graph

Take your Totals from above and place them here:

Level of Connection with Dad: ______ True Answers

Level of Connection with Mom: _______ True Answers

Place these numbers on the following graph to discover your love type.

EXAMPLE: If your total for Mom is 4 and your Total for Dad is 6, go

to the Dad axis and locate 6, and then on the Mom axis locate the 4


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then see where those two meet. It meets in the Fixer box. So, in this

example, your Love Type would be the Fixer.

Now write your type here:

I am the _____________________

Step 2: Specifics of Your Type

Once you have located your Type then go ahead and scroll through

the following pages to find your Type so you can identify your patterns

and blocks, and find out how to balance out your type.


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THE NURTURER


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THE NURTURER

If you’re a nurturer you likely had a great relationship with your Mom,

but a not so great relationship with your dad.

Blocks to Love

Nurturers tend to be the givers in relationships. You give so much that

you may have felt like you were losing yourself in relationships, or like

you aren’t being supported or cared for in the way you would like.

You also often feel resentful of how much you’ve given, and feel like

your partner is taking you for granted. Not to mention feeling exhausted

by having to do so much work to keep the relationship moving in the

right direction.

You tend to mother men. You tell them what to do and how to do it

because somewhere deep inside (and often unconsciously) you don’t

actually think men are capable. You may have watched your Mom relate

to your Dad as being weak or as someone who needed her, and so

she mothered him. Maybe you saw that and lost respect for your Dad.

When you’re being the “Nurturer” as a single person:

You might feel pressure to make everything (conversation, what he

wants to eat and do) about the man you’re on a date with and put

yourself last. Or, in general, you want to let the man lead so that you

don’t seem needy. This keeps the man from really getting to know the


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real you because you are holding back your self expression.

With this approach you may find that men eventually disappear, or you

seem to not make it past the first couple of dates. Men want to be

able to leave a date knowing you enough to say “I like her” or “I’m not

sure if she’s for me”, and vice versa. When you express yourself and

make it about you, too--that’s when you know if he’s right for you too.

Because you can see how he responds to your self expression and if

he’s capable of supporting you in the way you deeply desire. This is

about you choosing him as much as he is choosing you.

When you are being the “Nurturer” in a relationship or a marriage:

You may find yourself taking care of your partner more than you feel he

is capable of taking care of you. You might find many of your thoughts

and feelings wrapped up in what he is feeling and thinking. This leaves

little room for you to know what you want, and instead has you relying

on him for permission or validation. You may even feel like you’re

being taken for granted, or start resenting him for not giving back and

supporting you in the same ways you support him.

You tend to relate to your partner as if he isn’t capable, or that he

“needs” you. And sometimes this can come across as mothering him.

This may even result in the man feeling like his attraction levels have

faded because the mothering makes him feel less like a man. Men

want to feel like they can provide for you (whether that is emotionally

or physically) and when you mother them, it makes them feel like they

can’t provide for you. Your focus is so much on him, it doesn’t allow the


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man to give back to you, so he starts to look outside the relationship for

ways to feel useful and needed - like turning to work or even thinking

about other women.

How To Balance Out Your Type + Lovework

The way we begin to balance out the Nurturer is to relate to men as

being capable. Start to see men as being strong. Relate to them as

adults who can take care of themselves fully. It doesn’t matter if you’re

single or married, this is the same practice. As a Nurturer, you see men

this way because you saw your father as weak and watched your mom

“do it all”. Whether it was taking care of your Dad or because you were

raised by a single Mother. Maybe you were told to do things for your

Dad because your Mom felt he wasn’t capable. Or you just had a Dad

who was distant overall, so you didn’t feel you could rely on men.

Being the Nurturer is a part of who you are. You are loving and enjoy

taking care of others which is great. I don’t want you to give up that

part of you. All we are doing is balancing out the type so that you don’t

feel you have to be the giver all the time. We’re creating space for you

to allow men to take care of you and support you, because that’s what

has them feel like they are needed and wanted in your life.

We want to build your receiving muscle. Because Most givers have

a hard time receiving because to them it feels odd or hard to accept

support - or it feels like their may be strings attached or that they’re a

burden in someway on the other.

The key to start making this shift is to have conversations with your


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Mom (or Step Mom or mother figure) to take her off the subconscious

pedestal. Because having her on a pedestal in your subconscious is

creating a lot of pressure for you to show up similar to the ways you

admire her.

For example if you admire your mom for being an incredible single

mother, then you probably place a lot of pressure on yourself to figure

things out in life on your own. Resulting in asking for very little support

because of that pressure. It also has you feel like you can’t really trust

a man to be there for you. And if that’s the case then it’s really hard to

receive anything from a man, and easy to keep giving because that’s

more comfortable. This could be the case if you watched your Mom do

it all for the family and your Dad too.

So, a conversation to begin to take your Mom off the pedestal in your

subconscious and take a step towards releasing this block is to ask

yourself first what’s one thing you really admire about your Mom? Let’s

say it’s her independence. Then ask your Mom how that quality that you

admire didn’t always serve her. Meaning the ways that quality wasn’t

the best quality to have at times and how that quality had her miss out

on certain aspects of her life or certain experiences.

When you begin to bring your Mom off the subconscious pedestal you

allow yourself to experience love as a place to give and receive, and

still be loved. You no longer believe that to be loved you have to give

as much as possible.

The other piece of this puzzle is to get an understanding of why your

Dad (Step Dad or father figure) was the way he was when you were


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younger (or still is), and why you felt him being distant, disconnected,

and emotionally unavailable. Or even why he did things that may have

felt unforgivable. And remember, there is always way more to the story

than you think.

What I’ve shared here is just the beginning of balancing out your love

type and having you completely transform your love life. In my 12-week

Soul Level Love program, I support you around what specific questions

to ask and what mindset you need to be in to get the results you want

with your parents and unravel years and years of conditioning. And

remember this is all in service to your love life, and having the kind of

love and partnership that takes your breath away everyday.


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THE DOUBTER


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THE DOUBTER

If you’re in a place where you’re not really connected with either of

your parents and you feel pretty distant with both of them, you’re likely

the Doubter.

Now, this doesn’t make you doomed in love or imply that other Types

are better than you. All types are equal. “Doubting” is just your specific

way of relating to love.

Blocks to Love

As the Doubter, you may feel pretty cynical about love. And you may

not even believe that a great relationship is possible. It feels like,

everywhere you look, you see couples that aren’t happy, or people

who lose themselves or their freedom when they’re in a relationship.

You may even believe that relationships are inherently hard and difficult,

so what’s the point? They seem to just bring up a lot of pain and hurt,

and literally leave you heartbroken.

Sometimes the way this block shows up with men is that you test

them to see if they will stick around. You might make them chase you

if you’re single or prove to you that they will show up if you’re in a

relationship. You likely find it difficult to get intimate with men, because

you don’t fully trust their intentions. And it’s scary to let someone see

those vulnerable parts of you.

You may also have a tendency to push love away by picking fights or

shutting down, because deep down you don’t really feel cared for. It


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feels like people don’t make you a priority, and men aren’t making you

feel special or important. When we feel this way, we’re more likely to

push people away, be unable to fully take in the love they are showing

us (it just shows up in different ways than we expect), and feeling stuck

in relationships where you aren’t valued completely.

When you’re being the “Doubter” as a single person:

You may feel an overall complacency in this part of your life. There’s

no excitement around dating; it’s more like going through the motions.

You do have a desire for partnership, but it’s buried under a lot of fear

of getting hurt or being rejected. You may want to feel unconditionally

loved because you didn’t feel that from either parent, so you’re putting

a lot of pressure on a partnership to give you that feeling. Meanwhile,

you know as well as I do that unconditional love comes from within.

When you’re being the “Doubter” in a relationship or in a marriage:

You likely haven’t fully let the man you’re with into your heart. It’s hard

for you to receive his love, and you can’t see all the love that he is giving

you right now. Even if you never express these feelings, you probably

find small ways to doubt him and your relationship. You may also look

for ways he isn’t what you want or desire, and pick at him for it. And

even if he isn’t the right match for you, it’s hard for you to really know

that because you’re uncertain if it’s him or if you’re blocking something.


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Balancing out the Doubter at the root is all about shifting your relationship

with your parents (or those that raised you).This is not me saying that

you have to be best friends with them or even “close”. We just need

you to see that you were born from love and that you exist today

because you were loved. Maybe you even know that, logically. But

knowing it logically and feeling it on a emotional level are two different

things. When you FEEL your parents love, you begin to believe in the

possibilities of sharing love and a life with someone. And the desire

for this kind of love becomes louder than the fears of being hurt or

rejected, allowing for true partnership.

In order to feel your parent’s love (or those that raised you) on this level

it will require you to have conversations with your parents so that you

can feel their love on this emotional heart level. This involves asking

them about their love story. And it doesn’t matter if you’re parents

weren’t ever married, are divorced, or were together for a short time.

And if your parents are no longer alive or if you’ve lost one parent then

you can ask this question to siblings, aunts, uncles, or grandparents.

What you can ask your parents or those that know a little more than

you about your parents love story is what drew them together, what did

they like about each other, how did they feel in the beginning of their

relationship. When you stay in a place where you’re truly open and

curious you will start to shift the way you saw their love hence shifting

the way you relate to men or your partner.


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The way this begins to shift your love life is that you put up less walls

and are more open to seeing the possibilities of having a fulfilling

partnership. You allow yourself to keep your heart open even in the

face of disappointment or rejection because you’re more committed

to connection than protecting yourself, giving you access to naturally

want to work through things with people.




to ask and what mindset you need to be in to get the results you want

with your parents and unravel years and years of conditioning. And

remember this is all in service to your love life, and having the kind of



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THE FIXER


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THE FIXER

The fixer is when you have a great relationship with your dad and you

have him up on a pedestal, but you only have an okay relationship

with your mom at best.

This is the type I was.

Love Blocks

As a Fixer, when you’re into a man, your tendency is to see all the

untapped potential he has. And you can’t help yourself -- you want to

dive in and help him achieve what you can see for him, or the desires

he has expressed. If you’re in a relationship, the way the Fixer tendency

shows up is the same: you dive into his life and tell him how and what to

do to get to where you feel he could be. And you do this a lot.

You may feel like an expert on his life, instead of allowing him to come to

you for help. After a while, for the man, it feels like you don’t understand

him or can’t accept him as he is and that really hurts. That’s what men

feel when they’re with a Fixer.

When men are with a fixer they don’t feel loved and accepted. They

don’t feel like they’re good enough, because you’re constantly trying

to change them. You can even be really critical of him, scrutinizing

every step he makes.


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The Fixer is different than the Nurturer, because as the Fixer you’re

actually trying to pinpoint things that you can change, or how you

can make him a better man. The Nurturer is more about giving to feel

worthy of love.

When you’re being the “Fixer” as a single person:

You can be really critical of men overall, or picky about who you choose

to date. Most men don’t meet your standards, and when they don’t

you’re quick to disregard them or move onto the next person. Typically

you will be the one that does the breaking up with, and if the man

doesn’t show up the way you expect him to, then you begin to second

guess if he’s right for you.

When you’re being the “Fixer” in a relationship or marriage:

You typically feel like your partner isn’t meeting up to your standards.

That he isn’t dressed well enough, or making enough money, or

ambitious enough, and so you try to change that for him. Maybe you

dress him, or you provide a lot of advice on how he should be more

driven at work, or even critical where you put him down as a strategy to

have him change or improve faster.


Balancing out the Fixer at the root is all about getting that your Dad

wasn’t perfect, even though you admired him a lot. And maybe you


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logically understand that he has flaws, but it’s crucial that you start

seeing him as a perfectly-imperfect human on an emotional level.

Because when you think about the kind of man you desire, it’s probably

a man who’s a lot like your Dad, and when a man doesn’t show up like

him, you are quick to judge. Or if you’re in a relationship it’s hard for

you accept your partner when he doesn’t act like or relate to you like

your Dad would.

Balancing the Fixer is also about shifting your relationship with your

Mom, and understanding why she is who she is and how much she

really loves you (even when you were younger). Once you have this

balance, that’s when you stop comparing every man to your Dad.

Because your Mom becomes someone you stop resisting, and you

start to understand her, which helps allow you to see your partner, or

men you’re dating, for who they are--not for who you think they should

be (like your Dad).

In order to shift this, it’s going to require you to shift the way you

relate to both your Mom and Dad. As a first step, I’ll give you one

conversation you can have with your Dad, so that you can take him off

the subconscious pedestal and stop unknowingly pushing away men

that may be your perfect match. You may also stop pushing away the

way your partner is expressing his love because it doesn’t match up

with the way you feel he should be expressing it.

So, one starter conversation with your Dad, step-Dad, or father figure,

is first ask yourself about a value you admire about him. How do you

use that value as a standard that you expect the kinds of men you’re

attracted to or your existing partner, to live up to? Then ask your Dad:


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where did that value come from? How did that value not always serve

you? What experiences did that value not allow you to have?

These questions will give you the information to see how that value

isn’t perfect. And you’ll start to see what you’ve been missing in your

love life and in your interactions with men, becuase your focus on that

one value has blocked you from seeing who he really is.

The key to this conversation, and the hardest part to really creating a

permanent shift for you, is to have the information really hit you in the

heart. It needs to land emotionally. Where you then find yourself saying:

wow I see my Dad differently. I see how those qualities aren’t the best

or what makes him the best.

The other piece of this puzzle is to get an understanding of why your

Mom, step-Mom, or mother figure, was the way she was when you were

younger (or still is). And why you felt her being distant, disconnected,

or emotionally unavailable. Or even why she did things that may have

felt unforgivable. Remember, there is always way more to the story than

you think.

The way this begins to shift your love life is you get comfortable with

giving men space naturally. And when you give men space, they show

up for you in ways that you didn’t realize he had in him, because you

weren’t quite letting it happen. When you can provide this space he

can feel like he is ENOUGH in your presence.

When you clear this block fully you’re able to get clarity to decide if the

man you’re with is truly right for you or a man you’re dating is the right

match for you.


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to ask and what mindset you need to be in to get the results you

want with your parents and unravel years and years of conditioning.

Remember, this is all in service to your love life, and having the kind of



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THE IDEALIZER


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THE IDEALIZER

As the Idealizer, you have a great relationship with your mom and your

dad, and they’re probably still together because they have a great

relationship.

Love Blocks

As an Idealizer it’s easy to fantasize about having the perfect relationship.

One where he sweeps you off your feet and drives you into the sunset.

Whether you’re in a relationship or looking for your perfect match, the

reality of love seems to never quite meet up to the version in your head.

That’s okay, on some level, because being a romantic--even in the

smallest way--is a lost art. However, being the Idealizer has you feeling

a lot of pressure around love. Pressure to show up perfectly, for the

man to be perfect, and for the relationship to fulfill you on all levels (i.e.

emotionally, physically, intellectually). This pressure leaves very little

room for you to be exactly who you are and for others to be who they

are. It also takes away your ability to be present to the man in front of

you, and stops you from seeing who he really is. You will unknowingly

make up who you think he should be and then when he doesn’t show

up that way, it’s upsetting or disappointing. The Idealizer tendency is to

get sucked into the “on paper” stuff, versus focusing on the emotional

connection, even though the emotional connection is so valuable to an

Idealizer.


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When you’re being the “Idealizer” as a single person:

You may feel like, before you go on a date, you need to look or act a

specific way to grab a man’s attention or interest. So, instead of being

yourself, you feel pressure to be a certain way. For example, you may

put pressure on yourself to be funny, interesting, or smart--even though

you already are--and that pressure doesn’t allow it to feel natural nor

does it create ease in the interactions.

You may also find that you put pressure on yourself to know if someone

is the “one” or not after the first date. Or be focused on the “on paper”

attributes. Like you might want to know does he have an MBA? Is he

making good money? Does he come from the right kind of family? Does

he have the right kind of background? Even though these attributes

have very little to do with if someone is truly the right match for you.

This isn’t me saying you shouldn’t ask for these things, but there is an

overemphasis on them.

As you keep dating a man, that connection you feel might begin to focus

on reaching certain milestones or “check marks” in the relationship,

without truly tapping into what you desire or your intuition. Meaning,

without knowing if he is really right for you.

When you’re being the “Idealizer” in a relationship or marriage:

You may find you’re often concerned with the way people perceive

you, and adjusting to that perception versus allowing yourself to be


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who you are. You will unknowingly place a lot of pressure on being

able to do things all by yourself, which leaves little room for partnership

and connection.

With your partner, you probably often feel disappointed that he didn’t

do things the way you like, or feel like he should be doing more. You

might even feel unsupported often. You partner may start to feel like

he can’t meet up to your standards, and that he can’t do anything right.

This wears away at your connection over time, and both of you start to

shut down more and more.


As the Idealizer the way to begin to balance out your type is to bring

your parents’ relationship off the subconscious pedestal. Now, I know

that you may logically know how your parents relationship wasn’t

perfect, but emotionally if I were to ask you if you would like to have

the kind of relationship they had and your answer is mostly “Yes” then

we still need to take them off the subconscious pedestal.

When your parents are on the subconscious pedestal, what happens

is you oscillate. If you’re single you go from feeling like you have to try

really really hard to put yourself out there to being exhausted by trying

so hard, and then you start to think what’s the point I should just give

up. If you’re in a relationship, you think you have to give it your all, and

then find yourself similarly worn out and exhausted.

The reason you oscillate from these two places, instead of just staying

in consistent action, is because when the subconscious bar is set high,


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you either try really really hard to get to where the bar is--or you give

up, thinking you’ll never have what your parents have.

In order to get out of this exhausting cycle and to stop blocking love,

we need to take your parents off the subconscious pedestal through

some conversations. If one parent has passed you don’t have to ask

both, and if both have passed you can ask a sibling or family member.

One specific conversation I encourage you to have to start this process

is to ask both of your parents: What were the problems that they faced

in their relationship when they were dating? getting married? In the first

couple of years being married? And having kids? You may even know

what some of this is through stories they have told you or what you

have witnessed.

What is important here is that you ask, stay curious, and acquire some

new information that hits you in the heart. Stories that you didn’t know

before, or didn’t hear the way you did when you asked the question this

time. It’s about feeling in your body that their relationship isn’t perfect

but human, and perfectly imperfect. That’s a first step towards taking

their relationship off the pedestal.

The way this begins to shift your love life is all that pressure to be a

certain way, have a specific kind of relationship, and a specific kind

of man...fades away. And you’re left with trust, connection, intimacy,

and knowing how to express yourself vulnerably to get clear on who’s

really right for you.


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The other pieces of the puzzle that will help you breakthrough in love

is to identify and release the subconscious parental patterns that stem

from how you translated how your Mom and Dad (or those that raised

you) loved you.




to ask and what mindset you need to be in to get the results you

want with your parents and unravel years and years of conditioning.

Remember, this is all in service to your love life, and having the kind of


MOVING FORWARD

Thank you so much for taking my 4 Love Types Quiz!

I hope this quiz helped you gain some insight and clarity around how

you’re unknowingly blocking love, and how to start to shift this for

yourself, so you are primed to receive the kind of love that is

worthy of who you are.

The #1 piece of insight I want you to take away from this

Quiz, is that you’re not alone. Whether you’re single or

have been married for years, we are all in the same boat.

We all have blocks to love, no one is without. In fact one

of my favorite quotes is from Rumi, “Your task is not to

seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers

within yourself that you have built against it.”


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Love is a journey not a destination. The tools I am giving you help you

to use each relationship in your life to evolve yourself. To become more

conscious of when you’re closing up and how to choose to stay open

to connection. Each trigger within dating or within a partnership is a

calling to you to look within to become aware of the patterns, beliefs,

blocks that need to be healed or re-routed so that you can be a vessel,

open to both receiving and giving love.

I would love to hear what Love Type you are, and what insights into

yourself and your relationships you gained through this quiz! I welcome

all your comments, so please write to me at [email protected]

You can also email me if you’re ready to breakthrough in love and would

like to learn more about my signature course Soul Level Love program

or check out my blog at www.kavitajpatel.com, where I provide free

content and videos to help you in your journey around love, men, and

relationships every week.

With love,

about kavita j patel kavita has been studying ancient eastern philosophy since she was 10 years old,...

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