A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayReaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Offcer asks an engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The young engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefts package.” The interviewer says, “Well, how about a package of fve weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The novice engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Did you hear what happened to the optometrist? He fellinto his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayCustomer : I’d like to try that dress in the window.Sales Clerk : I’m sorry madam, I’m afraid you'll have touse the ftting room, like everybody else.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the pupils said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little boy shouted, “It’s because your feet aren’t empty.”

A boss: someone who’s late when you’re early and early when you’re late.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayAn ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam ffteen foors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. What made you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out.”

The glass factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his newpacker. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder andsaid, “Well, Joe, I see you did exactly what I asked: stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up. Handle With Care.’” “Yes sir,” Joe replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifcations for the job of night watchman?” “The slightest noise wakes me up.”

You: “If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”Me: “The living one.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayThree absent minded professors were discussing their research while waiting for a train. When the boarding announcement came, there was a mad rush to get on, and in the confusion one of them was left standing on the platform as the train departed. A station attendant saw him and said, “Don’t worry. Another train for the same destination will be coming shortly.” The professor replied, “I’m not worried for myself. It’s just that the other two only came to see me off.”

Three elderly men were on a train to London. As it pulled into the station, one asks, “Is this Wembley Station?” “EH?”says the second one. “IS THIS WEMBLEY?” The second one replies, “No, it’s Thursday.” And the third one pipes up:“So am I. Let’s stop and have a pint!”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayThe boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise. Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder. “Yes, Mario,” he said kindly, “I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and some day you’ll thank me for it.”

The boss was concernedthat his employeesweren’t giving himenough respect, so hetried an old fashionedmethod of persuasion. Hebrought in a sign thatsaid, “I’m the Boss!” andtaped it to his door. Afterlunch, he noticed someonehad taped another noteunder his. It read: “Yourwife called. She wantsher sign back!”

A passenger train is creeping slowly along, and fnally creaks to a halt. A passenger asks the conductor, “What's going on?” “Cow on the track!” replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slowpace but within fve minutes it stops again. The passenger then asks the conductor, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow?”

Ticket inspectors. You've got to hand it to them…

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA man applied for a job with a supermarket. “What is your experience with groceries?” asked the interviewer. “Well,” said the applicant. “I eat them all the time.”

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled!” Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, looked through it, and said, “Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”

The other day I was in a hurry to go outside... In my haste I ran into the screen door and strained myself!

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayRon and John were building a house. John was on a ladder, nailing. He’d reach into his nail pouch, pull outa nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. Ron couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled, “Why are you throwing half the nails away?” John explained, “When I pull a nail out ofthe pouch, if it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away. Ifit’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it.” Ron replied, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house.”

Jack: “Do you know how long fsh should be cooked?”Jill: “Probably the same as short fsh.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayThe strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, you young whippersnapper,” the old man said. "I will bet you a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the young braggart replied. “Lets see what you got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,“All right. Get in.”

The top toothbrushsalesman was asked byhis boss how he sold somany brushes. “It’seasy,” he said, as hepulled out his card table,laying out his display ofbrushes. “Then I put outsome potato chips anddip to draw in thecustomers.” His boss wasimpressed by thisinnovative approach, and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. “Yuck,” he yelled, “this tastes terrible!” The salesman replied, “ Yes, it is. Want to buy a toothbrush?”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayAfter being laid off from fve different jobs in four months, Peter was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10% of Peter’s wages to pay for the repairs. “How much will it cost?” asked Peter. “$4,500,” said the owner. “Wow!” exclaimed Peter. “I’ve fnally got job security!”

Joe was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “Why did the foreman fre you?” the friend asked in surprise. “Oh,” said Joe, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.” “We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?” “Jealousy,” answered Joe. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”

“Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA new worker in a government department was asked to transfer to new position. The manager said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a little test. Type this.” He gave him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointed to a desk that had a typewriter and an adding machine. The worker, not wanting the job, typed very slowly, and deliberately made as many errors as he could. Before he could fnish, the manager told him to report to the typists’ offce immediately. “But aren't you going to check the test?” the reluctant clerk asked. The manager grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayThe CEO of a major corporation asked his press offcerto write a twenty-minute speech for the shareholders meeting. Upon his return from the meeting he is furious at the press offcer. “Are you trying to kill my career?” the executive barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech! People were standing up and walking out.” “Well, no,”says the press offcer, “I gave you exactly what you requested, a twenty-minute speech. And I gave you two extra copies.”

Smith goes to see hissupervisor in the frontoffce. “Boss,” he says,“we’re doing some heavyhouse-cleaning at hometomorrow, and my wifeneeds me to help with theattic and the garage,moving and hauling stuff.”“We’re short-handed,Smith,” the boss replies. “Ican’t give you the day off.”“Thanks, boss,” says Smith,“I knew I could count onyou!”

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.But I laugh more.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayJesus walks into a bar with his twelve apostles and orders 13 glasses of water. He says to them, “OK, guys, I’ve got the frst round.”

Two men are talking. The frst says, “I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and wearing shabby clothes.” “Amazing,” says thesecond, “I just got divorced for te very same reason.”

Boss: “This is the third time you’re late this week. Do you know what this means?”Me: “Yeah. It’s Wednesday.”

That sound when you close the cupboard and hearsomething fall inside . . .

that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DaySeveral little boys were sitting on the curb with a smalldog sitting between them. Father Flanagan stops to chat with them, and asks what they are doing. They saythat they found this lost dog which seems to have no owner, so they were having a contest to see which one could take the dog home. They decided that whicheverone told the biggest lie could win the dog. The priest sternly lectures them on the evils of lying and tells them they will have to go to confession. Then he says, “When I was your age, I never told a lie.” The smallest boy smiles broadly and says, “Okay, Father, you win the dog.”

A pastor’s plea: “Please live a good life. I don’t want to lie at your funeral.”

“Remember not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DaySt. Peter halted a man at the entrance to heaven. “I’m sorry, but I cannot admit you. You’ve told too many lies.” “C’mon, Pete, gimme a break,” the man pleaded. “After all, you were once a fsherman yourself!”

The trouble with eating Italian food is that fve or six days later you’re hungry again.

Anyone who thinks Catholics don’t do burnt offerings has never been to a church potluck.

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt – short enough to hold interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Youth is a gift of nature; age is a work of art.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA guy was in the barbershop getting a manicure and a shave. The manicurist was a cute blonde, and he decided to ask for a date. She said, “I can’t. I’m married.” The guy persisted, “So what? Just call your husband and tell him your having dinner with a girlfriend.” The manicurist answered, “Why don’t you tell him? He’s shaving you.”

When someone says, “Well, to make a long story short...,” it’s already too late.

It doesn’t matter how you dress for church, as long as you don’t get all wrapped up in yourself.

Sometimes I think I might have Attention Defcit . . . Oh look. A butterfy!

Would a fy without wings be called a walk?

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayWhy are church people so kind, polite, and sweet-spirited – until you try to sit in their pew?

I was fooled by crab cakes once. I will not be fooled again. Imean, c’mon . . . where’s the frosting?

Beware the self-made man. He tends to worship his Creator.

Be careful about letting it all hang out. You might not be able to get it tucked back in.

Were there woodpeckers on Noah’s ark?

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayMe: “My car makes the creaking, popping noise every time I get out of it.”Mechanic: “That’s your knees, sir.”

What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, God calls a butterfy.

Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?

“My friend was fred from his job at CalTrans for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA couple out for a walk came upon a wishing well. Justfor the heck of it, the wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny. The husband decided to try, buthe leaned over too far and fell in the water and drowned. The wife said, “I’ll be darned, it works!”

When the boy graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. “I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful infuence she has had on my life,” he told the audience. “She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.” At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, “Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayMy friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain where Buddha actually comes from.

A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants, 25 cents each — three for a dollar.” All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!” Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and fnally asked the grocer, “Aren't you going to fx the mistake on your sign?” “What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayBiology: the only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing.

The father of fve children had won a toy at a raffe. Hecalled his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in union. “Okay, Dad. You get the toy.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA truck driver used to amuse himself y running over lawyers he’d see walking on the side of the road. One day, he saw a priest there, and thought he’d do a good deed. He pulled over and asked where he was going. “To my church, just a few miles rom here.” “Get in, Father, I’ll take you. No problem.” The priest got in, and about a mile further, the truck driver saw a lawyer.He instinctively swerved to run him over, but realizing the priest was with him, pulled back at the last moment. He turned to the priest and said, “I’m so sorry, Father, I almost hit that lawyer.” The priest answered, “Don’t worry, I got him with the door!”

Lawyer’s Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA minister’s car broke down on his way home from Sunday service. He walked home, then called his town’s only mechanic on Monday morning. The mechanic met the pastor where the stalled car sat and began his repairs. “I’m goin to go easy with you on the cost, Reverend,” said the mechanic when he was fnished. “Thank you so much,” the man of the cloth replied. “After all, I’m just a poor preacher.” “I know,” said the mechanic, “I heard your sermon yesterday.”

A fashlight is a coffn for dead batteries.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayIn a perfect world:

The calories would be removed from banana splitsand put into Brussels sprouts.

Naps would burn as many calories as marathons.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then I hear a voice saying to me, “That’s going to take more than one night!”

The length of a sermon should be directly related to the capacity of the human bladder.