Lay counseling Training King of kings, Jerusalem

A Seminar In Basic Counseling Skills:Ministering as an agent of shalomWhen we listen, we reflect the listening Father.I love the LORD because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!. Psalm 116:1-2Listening: The most important skillGood listening means be aware of all 3 of these aspects:The Actual Words: phrases and metaphors used to convey feelings.

Tone: not words themselves but timing, accent, volume, pitch, etc.

Non-verbal: body language or facial expression, use of gestures, body position and movement, proximity in relation to the counselorListening:Listening is the most important skill in counseling. It is the process of hearing the other person. Three aspects of listening;Linguistic: actual words, phrases and metaphors used to convey feelings.Paralinguistic: not words themselves but timing, accent, volume, pitch, etc.Non-verbal: body language or facial expression, use of gestures, body position and movement, proximity or touch in relation to the counselorAll these express the internal state of the counselee and can be listened to by the attentive counselor.All these express the internal state of the counselee and can be listened to by the attentive counselor.

3Building Blocks of a Message 38% Tone ofvoice7% content55% non-verbalBody Language Email or letterPhone ConversationFace to Face----- Meeting Notes (2/28/13 11:24) -----God so love the world that he gave his son, not just words on a page. He gave his body.When Yeshua was arrested, he said hardly anything, he gave his body to die for us. The point is that body language is important.4The Counseling Conversation is a Dialogue: Counselor TraitsEmpathy: Understand their experience, enter in to it, and not confuse it with your own.Respect: A deep valuing of the other person without judgment.Trustworthiness: Sincerity, not playing a role, integrity.Containment: ability to hold the person in their painful emotions without becoming overwhelmed or fearful.Clear biblical framework: Looking at life from a scriptural perspective and see how this affects choices.

Understanding brings a sense of communion, worth and relief.A lack of self understanding limits your understanding of othersFear of intimacy is also a block.Not there to fix the person.5Counseling Tools for listening ListeningAttending Behavior (your body language)Closed and Open-Ended QuestionsParaphraseSummarizingReflection

All communication has two parts: 1) factual content, 2) emotional content. 6Listening to the contentListen to the actual words the other uses. The story told is the story that is important.Am I sure I know what this person means by a certain word or expression? (asked of oneself). Can clarify, What do you mean by upset?Listen deeper for unusual or inappropriate feelings, the story behind the story. (congruence)Listening with the aim of truly understanding someone builds trust and relationship.

A Word About Why QuestionsAttending BehaviorOrienting oneself physically and psychologically. Good eye contact, facing the person

Encourages the other person to talk

Lets the client know youre listening

Conveys empathyFour Types of Questions:

Open endedClosed endedReflectiveChallenging

Four types of Counseling InterventionsOpen-Ended QuestionsQuestions that clients cannot easily answer with Yes,, No, or one- or two-word responses Tell me about your family while you were growing upWhy is that important to you?How did you feel when that happened? What did you do when she said that?What are your reasons for saying that?Purposes of Open-Ended Questions:To begin an interviewTo encourage client elaborationTo elicit specific examplesTo motivate clients to communicateREFLECTIVE: How could that have impacted you?

10Open ended questionsYeshua: What do you want me to do for you?Purposes of Open-Ended Questions:To begin an interview (What made you pick up the phone to call ?)To encourage client elaborationTo elicit specific examples (Tell me more about that)To motivate clients to communicate

Open-ended questionsQuestions that clients cannot easily answer with Yes,, No, or one- or two-word responsesTell me about your family while you were growing up?Why is that important to you?How did you feel when that happened?What did you do when she said that?What are your reasons for saying that?Can you tell me a little more about that?

Closed Ended QuestionsQuestions that the other can easily answer with a Yes, No, or one- or two-word responses

Are you going to have the test done?Did you drink before you got into the car? Do you drink often?Do you exercise? Do you like your job?

Closed-Ended QuestionsQuestions that the other can easily answer with a Yes, No, or one- or two-word responsesAre you going to have the test done?Did you drink before you got into the car? Do you drink often?Do you exercise? Do you like your job?

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Purposes of Closed-Ended Questions:To obtain specific informationTo identify parameters of a problem or issueTo narrow the topic of discussionTo interrupt an over-talkative clientClosed Vs. open-ended questionsExamplesClosed: Are you scared?Open: How do you feel?Closed: Are you concerned about what you will do if the test results are positive?Open: What do you think you might do if the test results are positive?Closed: Is your relationship with your husband a good one?Open: Tell me about your relationship with your husband.

ReflectionMirror back what the counselee is saying.Counselee: We moved to Bangalore from the gulf at the beginning of last year but none of us really settled down. My wife never did like living in such a large city. I found it difficult to get a job.Counselor: You found it difficult to get a jobCounselee: Well, it was difficult to start with, any way. I suppose I didnt really try hard enough ReflectionA good reflective statement begins with the word You. It says something about the speakers feelings or thoughts. An example, So you feel nothing is going right for you?The important thing is that it is a guess or estimation of what the person is going through. It does not have to be correct, because if its not the person will clarify that for you. Simple reflectionIt seems nothing good ever happens.More developedThings look pretty hopeless and you cant see them getting better. Things look bad and you feel nothing is worth it.The person will give you feedback if you are on track. ExperientialWork with partner. One thing about myself is..One thing Id like to change about myself..ExampleOne thing Id like to change about myself is that Im often lateYou cant seem to get to places on timeNo, not so much but I am often rushing around at the last minute even if I leave on timeSo you think if you werent rushing around before you leave you might have a calmer day.Right. I think I would be less irritable because Id start out more peacefully.Practice using a current situation that is emotionally important in some way or about a recent experience that include some significant feelings. As a listener respond with reflective statements.

165.0 Initiating Steps4.5 Personalizing and Defining Goal(You feel __ b/c you cannot __ and you want ___.)4.0 Personalizing Problem(You feel __ b/c you cannot ____.)3.5 Personalizing Meaning(You feel __ b/c you __________.)3.0 Responding to Meaning(You feel __ b/c _____________.)2.5 Responding to Feeling(You feel ___________________.)2.0 Responding to Content(Youre saying _______________.)

17ChallengingThough challenging and confronting questions are appropriate and even necessary.Counselee: There is no one in this organization that I can talk to at allCounselor: No one?Counselee: I have always been a failure, never been any good at anything.Counselor: Always?

Paraphrasing

The counselor rephrases the content of the clients messageExampleClient: I know it doesnt help my depression to sit around or stay in bed all day.Counselor: It sounds like you know you should avoid staying in bed or sitting around all day to help your depression.

Purposes of Paraphrasing

To convey that you are understanding him/herHelp the client by simplifying, focusing and crystallizing what they saidMay encourage the client to elaborateProvide a check on the accuracy of your perceptions

20How not to listen: Reasons for roadblocksGive hasty interpretations or analysis: Sounds like your not praying enough. Order or command: Go and tell her your sorry right awayTry to persuade, argue with logic or lecture: You must go on a diet to lose weight.Preach/use scripture inappropriately: : You shouldnt be sad. God works it all for good. (misplaced timing)Shame: You did what!

How not to listen. Behind a road block are some implied messages:I know how to solve your problems better than you do. listen to me. Theres something wrong with you. Im better than you are. Listen to me. Youre not important. Listen to me.Some of the common roadblocks to listening are the following:Hasty interpretation or analysis translates as a barrier and will have the effect of shutting the person up, and the goal of bringing the turmoil into the light of Gods presence will be thwarted. Communication will be stopped. When we come in too soon with our beliefs, opinions and material it can create a roadblock. Ordering, directing or commanding. Words said in an authoritarian way. Dont say that. Face up to reality. Go back and tell her youre sorry.Giving advice, make suggestions, provide solutions. What I would do is Why dont you., Have you tried?Warning or threatening. Youd better start treating him better or youll lose him. If you dont listen to me, youll be sorryPersuading with logic, arguing, lecturing. The underlying assumption in these roadblocks is that the person has not adequately reasoned it through and needs help in doing so. The facts are that Lets reason this through. Moralizing, preaching, telling them their duty. An under lying moral code is invoke din should or ought language. Preaching here is used in the most negative sense. You should. Its your duty as a _______________.Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming. This approach implies there is something wrong with the person. Its your own fault. Youre being too selfish.Shaming, ridiculing, name-calling. How could you do such a thing?Interpreting, analyzing. You really dont mean that. Do you know what your real problem is?Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling. The intent is to aid the person to feel better. Sometimes it has the effect of hurrying the person along and shutting them down. Its not all that bad. Im sure everything is going to work out.Questioning too soon. Questions are important to help clarify your understanding, but asking Why do you feel that way is not helpful. Withdrawing, distracting, humoring. Dont be so gloomy look at the bright side.Using Scripture before really understanding the situation. All things work together for good is true, but said at an inappropriate time will shut off communication flow and probably make the person feel guilt.

21TransferenceClient projects on the counselor feelings and perceptions that pertain to another (especially authority figures).Set clear boundaries in time and privacyHelp clients separate reality from fantasyCan bring healing if there is different outcome with counselorSelf disclosure: The golden rule is that its alright to talk about your self if it is beneficial to the client.TransferenceThis is a process where the client transfers to the therapist feelings and perceptions that pertain to other relationships, actual or imaginary. The stereotyped example is to transfer onto a therapist the parental image and to begin treating the therapist as if he or she were the parent. This also happens with pastors and in general authority figures are subject to this. This is just to alert you to the process.Transference is a Freudian term used to describe the unconscious assignment to others of feelings and attitudes associated with significant figures from the person's early life. It is considered a most important element of psychoanalytic treatment. It can be defined as an unconscious phenomenon in which the client projects onto the nurse or therapist attitudes, feelings, and desires originally linked with early significant persons. The nurse or therapist represents these figures in the client's current life.Guidelinesset clear limits in time and privacybecome comfortable counseling people with strong emotions. help clients separate reality from fantasy. If you feel this is a problem you can talk it over with clientTransference reactions can be played out in ways other than the way the original situation was experienced. The patient may play out the transference as he/she desires or hoped it would have taken place, instead of the way it actually did. Feelings client projects onto the counselor. Have to do with relationship client has experienced in the past. Intensity of feelings has to do with unfinished elements of clients life. Client may identify in the therapist characteristics that are reminiscent of the person they are transferring their emotions from. Feelings can be productively explored so client becomes aware of how they are keeping an old pattern functional in other present time relationships. Therapy becomes an ideal place to become enlightened to patterns in relationship of psychological vulnerability. Clients gain insight into how their unresolved issues lead to dysfunctional behavior. Group therapy may provide a microcosm of how people function in general social settings. Ask client to tell more about how the therapist has affected them to elicit additional information about how the client developed the transference. Do not become defensive. I wonder if I remind you of anyone you have had similar feelings with? There is potential for rich therapeutic progress! Carefully take on a symbolic role and allow the client to work through their unresolved conflict.

I Tell clients they have my unconditional positive regard whether they do homework or follow any suggestions. People often transfer on to the Lord the problems or dynamics they had with their parentsCounter transferenceThis is when a counselor develops strong or irrational feelings towards a client. Monitor your own reactions to clients and determine the reason for your reactions.____________________________________________________________________ 22Counter-transferenceCounselors emotional responses to what client shares.When counselor projects unresolved issues on to the clientIt may be necessary to refer to someone else if counter transference is very strongMonitor your own reactions towards the clientSelf-disclosure: Only when it will benefit client

23The place of Understanding Emotions tell us:The meaning of the problem to the personThe conflicts they are experiencingThe ways they use to solve problems

Emotions reflect and punctuate part of the truth of a problem. We want to understand the conflicts they are facing. What are some of the emotions that are encountered: distress-anguish people want help-anger-rage, - people feel thwarted/want there way

fear-terror - protection guilt-shame - disgust-contempt- rejection interest surprise, happiness-joy, caring-loving.Expect to see strong emotions. Theological Foundations - EmotionsWeve heard people say Dont listen to your emotions or Dont trust your feelings, just trust God. This blanket statement can make people feel ashamed of their sorrow, pain and, and in general, their humanity. There is a difference between suppressing feelings and learning emotional regulation, which entails, accepting emotions, acknowledging them before God, and learning how to communicate them, when necessary, without acting out in a harmful way What ever is buried emotionally is buried alive. When emotions become an unconscious drive they seep out or can explode forth potentially harming self and others. When we acknowledge our emotions and bring them into the light, we can than make choices about what to do with them, gain perspective, and ask God for wisdom and healing.It is not enough to know God. We must also know ourselves. Along with our desires, hopes, aspiration, temperaments it is important to learn what are the triggers that cause unhealthy patterns that keep repeating. When we acknowledge painful emotions we are not prone to split them off and become divided within ourselves or put up a wall with God. This is how we come to experience Gods acceptance of those parts of us we distain. It grows our capacity to contain others, and refrain from judgment in critical stages of exploration of a problem.Yeshua tells a parable of a feast. He invited not just the whole and healthy, but the crippled, lame and blind. These can be seen as parts of ourselves that we shun. But Yeshua invites them to the table, into his presence into the light. Thats where healing takes place without shame. ExperientialAre their parts of you that you reject, hurts, anger, sadness that you need to bring to Him and accept as undeveloped or young components of yourself that need healing and peace. Take a moment and write down what you find hard to accept about yourself and invite them into His presence.Emotions and the PsalmsGod called David a man after his own heart. David wrote Psalms that brought his feelings and pain into the light of Gods presence. Ps. 18: 4-6The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me and the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I cried to the Lord. I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice. My cry came forth before him, into his ears.Ps 42: My tears have been my food day and nightthese things I remember as I pour out my soulwhy are you downcast O my soul. Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in the Lord.In Psalm 42 the author admits to feeling downcast (which can mean dejected, depressed, down, disappointed, discouraged, dismayed). He doesnt stay there but is admitting to a sense of disorientation before the Lord.Use: emotionally healthy spiritualityThe emotional life of Yeshua

24SummaryBe aware of content and deliveryBe aware of your own emotionsEncourage further sharing Reflect on what you have heardAvoiding preaching, giving adviceListen for themesUse summaries, paraphrasing and relevant questions

Content and delivery: tone, posture, tears, change in voice, pitch speed, alternations in breathing. Non verbal cuesCounter transference your own emotions, feeling overpowered, angry, threatened, sad. Dont stop listening.Use phrases like tell me more,

25Active listening?

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