"A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST"

Written by

Seth MacFarlaneAnd

Alec Sulkin&

Wellesley Wild

First Draft - January 2nd, 2012

EXT. OPEN PRAIRIE - DAY

We see shots of a man on horseback riding across the landscape. This is ALBERT STARK, (mid-30s). We see various spectacular images of prairie and desert vistas, as an ambling tune plays, listing the myriad of ways in which one can perish on the 1800s frontier (A Million Ways to Die in the West). Throughout this opening title sequence, we intersperse shots of old, yellowed newspaper headlines. They are accompanied by old photos, when appropriate:

Infant Trampled By Sickly Mare

Hundreds Perish In Late Spring Damp

Schoolmarm Felled By Tumbleweed Abrasion

Mass Hanging Goes Well

Mud Deaths Reach 30-Year High

Dutch Family Crushed By Falling Chinamen

Woman Found Guilty of Adultery; Tongue, Breasts Removed

50-Acre Buffalo Herd Destroys St. Louis

Water Tower Contaminated By Bathing Negress

Black Bears Feast On Kindergarten Class

Old Prospector Dies of Bad Breath

Hailstorm Drives Snakes Into Local Church - No Survivors

Cowhog Fever Claims Small River Town

Albert rides off into the distance as we FADE OUT.

EXT. THE TOWN OF OLD STUMP - HIGH NOON

CHYRON: ARIZONA, 1882. ANGLE ON a sign that reads: Old Stump Township - Est. 1848. ANGLE ON the main thoroughfare: Albert stands in the middle of the street at the center of town, apparently ready for a gunfight. He looks nervous, however. Out of place. It doesnt appear as though he belongs in this environment. Townsfolk line the sides of the street and the storefronts, waiting. Among them, we see a pretty woman with blonde hair and a white dress, LOUISE, (late 20s), Alberts girlfriend.

At the moment Albert is alone in the street. The other half of the gunfight is nowhere to be seen. (Some distance behind him, we can see a large tree stump right in the middle of the street, presumably where the town got its name.) Theres a lengthy beat... and then we hear hooves approaching from O.S. The sound grows louder, until finally, another man emerges. He gets off his horse, and takes his position opposite his waiting opponent. Unlike Albert, this man is much more self-assured, confident. And not friendly. This is CHARLIE BLANCHE (30s, weathered-looking). They stare at each other, then...

ALBERTSo... I guess high noon to you means 12:15?

CHARLIEWhat?

ALBERTWell, you said high noon, and I was here, and... Ive sort of just been waiting.

CHARLIE(darkly)

Im here now.

ALBERTYeah, no, I know, its just-- its like youre saying that your time is more valuable than everyone elses, and... I know everybody here has like, a full day, and--

Over the previous line, ANGLE ON a few of the townsfolk, including a gangly guy with an overbite, and a toothless old man. They do not look like they have a full day.

CHARLIE(beat)

Draw.

ALBERTUm... no.

There is a murmur of confusion along the side of the street. ANGLE ON Louise, who looks particularly and unpleasantly perplexed.

CHARLIEWhat do you mean, no?

2.

ALBERTI... I dont wanna do this. Youre a way better shot than me, and so... before we get all crazy and dead here, I... I dont wanna have a shoot-out.

CHARLIEYou yellow, Stark?

ALBERTOh boy. Okay, with that-- first of all, thats kinda racist to our hard-working friends from the Far East--

ANGLE ON a few yellow-hued Chinese railroad workers who watch from the side.

ALBERT (CONTD)Right guys?

One of the Chinese guys gives Albert the finger.

ALBERT (CONTD)Okay, great, welcome-- Look, I just I wanna resolve things more reasonably, and I dont think name-calling is in anybodys best interest. So, Im just gonna pay you for the damages.

CHARLIESuits me fine. Thats three hundred dollars.

ALBERTRight. Now heres the thing: I dont have three hundred dollars in cash, but... I will give you twenty-five sheep.

CHARLIE(putting a hand on his gun, cocking it)

I dont want sheep, Stark.

ALBERTWell, this is a lotta fucking sheep. This is like twenty-five sheep. Like a whole... gaggle. A pack? Is it a pack?

3.

(MORE)

(laughs nervously) Ha-- Im a sheep farmer, and I just realized I dont even fucking know what the plural is--a school of sheep? Is that-- you know what a group of ferrets is called? A business. Thats what its called, a business of ferrets. English is fun, cause theres all kinds of secret treasures--

Charlie fires a shot at Alberts feet. Albert jumps.

CHARLIEYour goddamn sheep grazed up half my ranch, Stark. That grass aint never gonna grow back.

ALBERTWell, its grass, itll grow back, but... I mean, isnt that what they say? You cant keep grass down.

Charlie aims his gun at Alberts head.

ALBERT (CONTD)Okay, okay-- I will sell off the sheep myself, and get you the money. Okay? Ill have it for you tomorrow.

CHARLIEIf I dont have that cash... Im comin after you. And Ill shoot you here (points to forehead), here (points to nose), and here (points to chin), so your heads splits clean in half like a fairground watermelon.

ALBERTOh, and... and I would deserve it. In that scenario? Oh my god, what a jerk I would be. But I... thats not the person I wanna be, so, Ill get you your money.

Charlie slowly takes his hand off his gun. Albert exhales softly, and turns to walk away. But suddenly, Charlie whips his gun out, and shoots Albert. Albert goes down.

ALBERT (CONTD)Fuck!!

4.

ALBERT (CONT'D)

The onlookers gasp... but its just his ankle. Charlie re-holsters his gun.

CHARLIEJust a little taste.

Charlie gets back on his horse and rides off. Albert staggers to his feet as the crowd slowly disperses. EDWARD approaches.

EDWARDAw man, Albert, you okay, man?

ALBERTYeah, its, uh-- its just grazed.

SHERIFFYou all right, Stark?

ALBERTYeah, oh hey listen, sheriff, I wanna thank you for your help. Really appreciate you stepping in and stopping this deadly altercation going on right in front of your office.

SHERIFFIts not my place to intervene, Stark. I believe a man should fight his own battles.

ALBERT(beat)

Youre the sheriff.

SHERIFFThats right.

ALBERTSo... the one thing we're all paying you to do, like the one function you have in town -- you're saying everyone else should do it.

SHERIFF(irritated)

Im not your goddamn bodyguard, Stark.

ALBERTWell actually, yes. As the sheriff, it is kind of your job to protect my body from harm.

5.

EDWARDYeah, it is kinda your job.

SHERIFFShut up.

EDWARDOop.

SHERIFF(to Albert)

I guess you and I see things differently.

ALBERTSo like, if you opened a restaurant, would you wait for people to come in and then say, A man should cook his own food?"

SHERIFFYoud best watch your tongue, or youre gonna find yourself in a jail cell.

ALBERTOh, THERE we go! The long arm of the law finally lashes out to protect ITSELF against pissy people!

EDWARDA-haaaa. Yes.

SHERIFF(exiting)

You should see Dr. Harper about that foot.

Albert sighs, defeated, as he limps away.

EXT./ESTAB. DOCTOR HARPERS OFFICE - DAY

INT. DOCTOR HARPERS OFFICE - SAME

DOCTOR HARPER (50s) is in the middle of abdominal surgery on a patient. His hands are covered with blood.

ALBERT (O.S.)Hello? Doctor Harper?

6.

Doctor Harper looks up, and walks out into the outer office, where Albert waits.

DOCTOR HARPERAlbert. How are you?

ALBERT(seeing bloody hands)

Hi, Doc, I was wonder--holy shit.

DOCTOR HARPEROh, dont mind this. Im just in the middle of surgery.

ALBERTOh, I can come back--

DOCTOR HARPERNo no, shell be out for awhile.

He very un-thoroughly wipes his hands on a dirty rag, cleaning off most -- but not all -- of the blood.

DOCTOR HARPER (CONTD)Its Mrs. Callaghan, poor woman. Her stomach devil was about to explode, so I had to take it out.

ALBERT...Her appendix?

DOCTOR HARPERNow, whats the trouble?

ALBERTUh, its a bullet graze. Just need it checked out.

DOCTOR HARPEROh yeah, heard you turned yellow on Charlie Blanche. Lets have a look.

Albert shows him the wound. Doctor Harper examines it, getting a little blood on Alberts ankle.

ALBERTYoure not big on the hand-washing, are you?

7.

DOCTOR HARPEROoh, thats a nasty one. We may have to take that off, otherwise you could wind up with a case of toe-foot.

ALBERTOkay, I dont think thats a real thing, and second of all, its a graze, doc, Im not gonna let you cut my foot off.

DOCTOR HARPERSuit yourself. But Ive seen toe-foot turn into knee-leg in less than a week.

ALBERTJust a dressing, thanks.

DOCTOR HARPERAll right.

ANGLE ON the inner office, where a cat jumps up on the surgical table, and starts licking the unconscious patients incision. ANGLE BACK ON Albert and Doctor Harper. The doc starts putting a dry dressing on the wound. Albert looks around, reading a diploma on the wall.

ALBERTTexas Territory Medical College. Is that a pretty prestigious place, or...

DOCTOR HARPERYessir, third in my class.

ALBERTAh. And was this an indoor medical school?

DOCTOR HARPER(laughs)

All right, there we go. Try and stay off it for a bit.

ALBERTJust a dry cloth bandage? Thats it?

DOCTOR HARPERWell, what else would you like me to do?

8.

ALBERTI dunno--clean it maybe? Cause I dont wanna get an infection and die?

DOCTOR HARPERWell now, thats up to the Lord God.

ALBERTI guess Im looking for someone more reliable.

EXT. OLD STUMP SALOON/BROTHEL - DAY

We hear the sounds of loud, rough sex.

INT. A BEDROOM IN THE OLD STUMP BROTHEL - DAY

We see RUTH (30s), a cute but well-worn prostitute, getting fucked wildly by a dirty cowboy. Theyre both making quite a lot of noise.

RUTH(for his benefit)

Oh yes! Yes!

COWBOYYeah! You like me fuckin you, dont you?!

RUTHYes! Yes, its really terrific!

COWBOYYeah! You like my dick inside you?!

RUTHYes, I love the scratchy feeling inside me from all the dirt on your dick!

INT. OLD STUMP SALOON/BROTHEL - CONTINUOUS

Edward sits patiently in a chair holding his hat and a bouquet of flowers. We can still hear the sex sounds coming from upstairs. The saloon is empty save for the BARTENDER and a few tired-looking cowboys. After a few moments of this, MILLIE, the brothels madam, enters from upstairs.

9.

MILLIEHi, Edward.

EDWARDOh hey, Millie.

MILLIEYou waiting for Ruth?

EDWARDYeah. I got off work a little early so I thought Id take her out for a picnic.

MILLIEOh. Well, youre a good boyfriend, arent you?

EDWARDYeah, I try to be.

Millie glances upstairs toward the sounds.

MILLIEWell, sounds like shes almost done.

Theres a beat. Millie looks at him.

MILLIE (CONTD)Pretty flowers.

EDWARDYeah, theyre tulips. Theyre hard to get this time of year, but Ruth is very particular.

RUTH (O.S.)Oh yes, shoot that dirty cowboy cum all over my face!

EDWARD(unfazed, adjusting his tie)

Do I look alright?

MILLIEYes, youre... youre fine. Say Edward, can I ask you something?

EDWARDSure.

10.

MILLIEAre you... okay with the fact that your girlfriend gets screwed by about 8 guys every day and gets paid to do it?

EDWARDOh. Well, I mean my job sucks too, so...

MILLIEWell, yeah, but you repair shoes.

EDWARDUgh, dont remind me. The shoe business is slow since the civil war ended.

MILLIEReally?

EDWARDYeah, theres just a lot less legs.

Millie is about to say something else, when Ruth comes down the stairs, still putting her clothes back on.

RUTHEddy, is that you?

EDWARD(standing up)

Hey, sweetie!

RUTH(pleasantly surprised)

What are you doing here?

She runs up to him and kisses him.

EDWARDOo- your breath is a little--

RUTHOh, sorry, I had to give a blowjob.

EDWARDOh, well, thats okay. Hey, I got done a little early, and I thought we could go for a walk out by the stream.

11.

RUTHOhhh, you are the best! Yeah, cmon, lets go! (kisses him, then to Millie) Dont I have the best boyfriend in the world?

MILLIEHonestly, I... I have no fuckin idea.

Ruth and Edward happily move to exit.

RUTHBye, Millie!

MILLIEUh, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins wanted to know if he could come by later on.

RUTHOh-- whats he want?

MILLIEI think he wants anal.

RUTH(to Edward)

Oh, honey, we could get you a new belt for church!

EDWARDOh, thatd be great!

RUTHI know!

EDWARD(to Millie)

Okay, so like, 5:30? Does that work?

MILLIEIt... it should.

EDWARDWhat times his appointment?

MILLIEWell... this isnt really like a dentists office, Edward. Hell... probably stop in when hes ready to put his penis inside an asshole.

12.

EDWARD(beat)

Okay, well just say 5:30.

RUTHBye, Millie!

Edward and Ruth exit.

EXT. THE SHORE OF A STREAM - DAY

Albert and Louise sit on a blanket, with their horses tethered nearby.

ALBERTI mean that shoulda been the end of it, right? I told him Id pay him off, we go our separate ways, and thats it. But no, the guy shoots me in the foot. Fuckin douche.

Lousie looks away.

ALBERT (CONTD)What?

LOUISEYou shouldve fought him, Albert.

ALBERT(astonished)

Come on.

LOUISEWe dont know if those were your sheep that grazed on his ranch. It could have been Hurleys cows. He should have to prove it, and he cant. So, I dunno... you shouldve fought him.

ALBERT(in disbelief)

Youre serious. Louise, the guys one of the best shots around. I mean, I look like I have Parkinsons next to him. Look, I tried to psych myself up for it, but at the end of the day, Id just as soon not commit fucking suicide.

LOUISEAlbert... Im breaking up with you.

13.

ALBERT(beat)

What?

LOUISEIm... Im sorry.

ALBERTI got shot today.

LOUISEI know.

ALBERTOw.

LOUISEI know.

ALBERTLouise, I-- why?? What, because of a gunfight??

LOUISENo, its not that, Ive been feeling this way for awhile. Its... youre a really great guy. Ive just realized... I want something else.

ALBERTLouise, I love you. What else could you want? Youre my whole life. Ive done everything for you for four years. Yes, Im just a sheep farmer, but Im saving a lot of--

LOUISEYeah, but youre not even a good sheep farmer Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all the sheep in one place. I stopped by your farm the other day, and there was a sheep in the backyard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond, and one on the roof.

ALBERTThats Bridget-- she has a problem with retardation, but shes fulla love. I think were getting off track here.

14.

(MORE)

Look, if its not about the gunfight, what the hell is it, Louise? Tell me and maybe we can fix it!

LOUISEAlbert, youre a good guy, for sure. Youre just not for me. I dont even wanna date anybody right now, I kinda have to deal with my own shit.

ALBERTAfter four years.

LOUISEIf I was older, maybe the timing would be right, but I just dont wanna settle down right now. People are living to be 35 these days, so a girl doesnt have to get married right away. I just sorta have to work on myself right now.

ALBERTI have to work on myself?! Louise, thats what girls say when they have a good thing in front of them, and theyre too up their own ass to know what to do with it. I know you. Youre not up your own ass. Youre out here. Where I can see you. And youre still the most beautiful woman Ive ever met.

LOUISEWell, Ive been in this relationship for four years, I must be at least partially up my own ass.

ALBERT(stung)

Wow. Louise... I love you.

LOUISE(sympathetic shrug)

Im sorry.

She gets up and leaves.

15.

ALBERT (CONT'D)

EXT. ALBERTS FARM - SUNSET

Albert rides up and gets off his horse clumsily. Its clear this guy is not comfortable living the frontier lifestyle. The farm itself is crowded with a large flock of sheep. However, they dont seem to be corralled in any sense whatsoever. Albert surveys the farm with its disarray of sheep. ANGLE ON THE ROOF, where a lone sheep stands, baa-ing blankly.

ALBERTOh, shit.

INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - SUNSET

Albert enters. His mother and father, George and Elsie, sit in the main room. Elsie sits in a rocker working on her stitchery, while George reads a book.

ALBERTMom. Dad.

GEORGEYoure late.

ALBERTFor what?

GEORGE(beat, goes back to his reading)

Fair enough.

Albert sighs and walks into his bedroom. He takes out a small wooden box.

EXT. ALBERTS HOUSE - EVENING

The stars are out as Albert emerges from the house and sits down in a chair. He is about to open the box when he hears the sound of approaching hooves. He looks up to see Edward and Ruth dismounting from their horses. They approach him.

ALBERTHey Ed. Hey Ruth.

EDWARDAlbert, we just heard about Louise. Thats horrible.

16.

RUTHWere so sorry. How are you? Are you doing okay?

ALBERTIt is what it is, right? (beat, then gesturing to chairs) You guys wanna sit down?

EDWARD(sitting)

Oh thanks.

RUTHIm okay standing.

Albert looks down at the box.

ALBERTI was just looking at some old photographs of me and Louise.

He shows Albert and Ruth the photos. They show him and Louise in various environments. In every single one, they are in the exact same pose: standing stiffly side-by-side, facing the camera without expression (as in every photo from the frontier era).

ALBERT (CONTD)This was from the carnival. (THEN) Here we are at the town picnic. (THEN) Oh, this was the square dance. Yknow, I almost wish that you could smile in photographs. Louise has such an amazing smile.

EDWARDThatd be weird.

ALBERTHm?

EDWARDHave you ever smiled in a photograph?

ALBERTMe? No, have you?

EDWARDGod no.

17.

ALBERTNo, youd look like an insane person, but I just mean that... when she smiles its... I mean, even at the peak of our relationship, when I knew there was no chance that Id lose her... it would still completely paralyze me every time she smiled. I love her so much its ridiculous.

RUTHOh, now I feel like Im gonna cry.

ALBERTLets get fucked up.

EXT./ESTAB. SALOON - NIGHT

INT. SALOON - NIGHT

ANGLE ON the saloon pianist, playing a jaunty version of Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair. The place is as lively and bustling as any old West saloon. Albert, Edward, and Ruth sit at a table as Albert downs a shot.

EDWARDSo whatre you gonna do?

ALBERTI dont know. Id kill myself, but yknow, the sheep. And my parents. And besides, if I died in that pasture, I know the sheep would eat me. They ate a dog that died out there.

EDWARDEw. I thought they just ate grass and stuff.

ALBERTYeah, not these I guess.

RUTHLook, I know things seem hopeless right now, but I promise theres a lot to live for.

ALBERTOh, really, what? What is there to live for on the frontier in 1871?

18.

(MORE)

We live in a terrible place and time. The American West is a dirty, depressing, horrible place. Look around. Everything out here thats not you wants to kill you. Outlaws. Angry drunk people. Scorned hookers. Hungry animals. Diseases. Major and minor injuries. Indians. The weather. You know how Jim Wegman the blacksmith died? Wet socks.

EDWARDCome on, youre exaggerating.

ALBERTI am really not exaggerating at all. He went camping, he put his foot in the creek with his sock on, his foot slowly rotted, and he died.

RUTHGod...

ALBERTYou can get killed just going to the bathroom. I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse-- theres fuckin rattlesnakes all in the grass out there, and even if I make it, oh hey, I can still die from cholera. You know cholera?

EDWARD(nodding grimly)

The Black Shit.

ALBERTThe Black Shit. The latest offering in the frontiers disease of the month club.

EDWARDI heard it started with a Canadian railroad conductor.

ALBERTAnd even if you survive all those things, you know whatll kill you? The fucking doctor.

19.

ALBERT (CONT'D)

(MORE)

I had a cold a couple years ago, went in there, and he says, oh you need an ear-nail. A nail. In my fucking ear. Thats modern medicine. Hey, I have fever of 102. Oh, you need a donkey-kickin. Yknow, our pastor has shot two people. You know that? Our pastor.

RUTHWhat? No way.

ALBERTShot a guy in a duel and then killed his teenage son cause he was afraid of reprisal.

EDWARDWait, how do you know that?

ALBERTBecause he did a whole fucking sermon about it! A lesson about seeing things through! By the way, look behind you. See those guys who work in the silver mines? See what theyre eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce.

ANGLE ON a table full of filthy miners, eating.

ALBERT (CONTD)They eat hot, spicy foods for every meal of the day cause their palates are completely dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day. You know what that kinda diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, diahrrea, hemorrhoids, liver disease, kidney disease, bowel inflammation--they die from their own farts!

One of the miners farts, and immediately keels over with a groan and dies.

ALBERT (CONTD)And speaking of death, if you wanna see more of that, all we need to do is step out the front door.

20.

ALBERT (CONT'D)

EXT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS

Albert stands in the doorway, flanked by Edward and Ruth. Albert points to a dead guy leaning up against a wall in an alley.

ALBERT That is our mayor. He is dead. He has been lying there dead for three days. No one has done anything: not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, our mayor, the highest-ranking political officer in our town, has been a dead guy-- oh! Oh look!

ANGLE ON THE MAYORS BODY - Coyotes are chewing and tugging on it, dragging it away.

ALBERT (CONTD)Coyotes are dragging the body away! Look at that! That is adorable! Theyre gonna feed his dick to their young. Bye, Mr. Mayor! Have fun becoming dog poop! Bye!

INT. SALOON - CONTINUOUS

Albert sits back down at the table, followed by Edward and Ruth.

ALBERTThat, my friends, is the West. A shitty, disgusting cesspool of awfulness and despair. Fuck all of it.

COWBOY AT NEXT TABLEWhy dont you shut up.

ALBERTYou shut up.

EXT. SALOON - NIGHT

Alberts body comes crashing through the window like a rag doll, smashing through the wooden railing, and landing out in the street. He groans as he collects himself.

21.

EXT. SALOON - LATER

Albert and Edward sit on the front steps of the saloon. Albert has a big gash on his forehead. Ruth tries to dab at it with a cloth, but Albert pushes her away as he takes huge pull from a whiskey bottle. By now he is very drunk.

ALBERT(slurred)

Stop it.

RUTH Okay. But Yknow, you should probably have Doctor Harper take a look at that.

ALBERT(slurred)

Ruth, youre very sweet, but have you been listening to goddamn anything Ive been saying? Hell go, Oh, lemme put a blue jay on that to peck out the blood. Fuck it. Hey, you guys should have a drink with me. Lets all have a drink.

RUTHI dont think thats a great idea.

EDWARDI cant drink. When I drink too much, I get really vivid nightmares.

RUTHHe does, its awful.

EDWARDI drink, and then within 20 minutes I dream somebody shot me in the face.

ALBERT(head in hands)

God, I miss Louise.

RUTHWell, maybe... I dont know, maybe you should try talking things over with her.

22.

ALBERT(beat)

Thats a good idea.

Albert staggers to his feet, and stumbles toward his horse.

RUTHWell, I didnt mean right now--

Albert struggles to climb up onto his horse, but hes having serious difficulty. He tries to hoist himself up clumsily, but he ends up falling with one foot caught in a stirrup.

EDWARDHey listen, Al, why dont you let us take you home--

ALBERTNo! No its okay, I just need a running start.

Albert staggers back about thirty feet, and then breaks into a hard, sloppy sprint toward the horse. He jumps up, rolls across the horses back, and falls to the ground on the other side, all in one move. Edward and Ruth flinch as they move to help.

RUTH/EDWARDOoh!/Oh man--hey Al, come on--

ALBERTI got it I got it I got it.

Albert finally makes it up onto the horse, but hes literally lying on his stomach along the horses back. He kicks the horses side limply with his legs.

ALBERT (CONTD)Okay, go. Go.

The horse ambles off.

EDWARDBoy, our wacky lives, huh?

RUTHI was just gonna say that--

EDWARDRight?

RUTHIts insane.

23.

EDWARDIts a circus, but I wouldnt trade it for anything.

EXT. LOUISES FAMILYS HOUSE - NIGHT

Albert ambles up on his horse, still plastered. He clumsily dismounts, and wobbles as he drunkenly addresses his horse.

ALBERTOkay, Ill be right back, Curtis. Or... or not! (laughs drunkenly) Okay no, thats being too ambitious. Yknow, Curtis, we... we dont talk enough. Were... lets fix that. I love you. I love you, Curtis.

Albert hugs Curtis nose for an extended beat. He starts to drift off, then jolts awake.

ALBERT (CONTD)Whoops! Uh oh.

He throws up a little on the Curtis nose.

ALBERT (CONTD)(wiping it off)

Oh Curtis, Im sorry. Im sorry, Curtis. Okay, here we go.

Albert stumbles up to Louises door, and knocks. No answer. He knocks again. After a beat, a light comes on, and Louise opens the door.

LOUISEAlbert? What the hell are you doing here? Its almost 1:30.

ALBERTLouise, we need to talk.

LOUISE(smells booze)

Are you drunk?

ALBERTOh. Yeah, well-- a little. Its Curtis birthday, so we all took him out and... surprised him.

24.

LOUISELook, I dont know what you want from me, but its late and Im going-- (starts to shut door; Albert grabs it)

ALBERTLouise-- I love you. And I know we can work this out. Just-- I can be cooler.

LOUISEAlbert, no. I already told you, its over. Now just--

ALBERTIll-- Ill fight Charlie Blanche. Ill do it.

LOUISEI dont care about that. Look, Im sure youre perfect for somebody else, just not for me. Now good night.

ALBERTLouise... what am I supposed to do without you?

She shuts the door.

ALBERT (CONTD)You heartless fuckin bitch! (then, immediately) I still love you though.

EXT./ESTAB. ALBERTS FARM - DAY

INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - DAY

George and Elsie sit in the main room. George reads the Bible, and Elsie knits beside the window. Albert emerges from the bedroom, still in his pajamas.

GEORGEWell, look whos up at two in the afternoon.

ALBERT(lamely)

Ahahahahaha.

25.

ELSIEHello, sweetheart.

GEORGETheres still some pig ass and sweet cream there if you want it.

Albert stares at the table, where a disgusting-looking plate of food sits. A fly lands on top of it.

ALBERT(grimaces)

Im gonna use the outhouse. If I die out there, would you guys do me a favor? Just once, I want you to switch seats.

Albert opens the door, revealing Edward, who was about to knock.

ALBERT (CONTD)Oh. Hey, Edward.

EDWARDAlbert. My God, you look terrible.

ALBERTTheres that confidence boost I need, how you doin buddy?

EDWARDCan I come in?

ALBERTSure. Sure. I know my parents are gonna be totally thrilled to see you. Guys? Edwards here!

ANGLE ON George and Elsie, whose action and expression do not change in any way.

ALBERT (CONTD)They love company. We all do. You want some pig ass?

EDWARDAlbert, Im really worried about you. I havent seen you in town for a week and a half. All you do is stay home and sleep.

ALBERTWell, I really feel like I need to be here with my parents.

26.

(MORE)

Theyre not gonna be around much longer, and I really wanna give back all that love and affection I got growing up. Right, dad?

George farts.

GEORGEOuch.

ALBERTYou gettin the fart-needles again, dad?

GEORGENever mind what Im gettin.

EDWARDLook, I know youre taking this breakup really hard, and I understand, but I think you gotta get outta your funk. I mean, Jesus, you havent even shorn your sheep in weeks.

ANGLE OUTSIDE on a sheep that has grown wool over is entire upper body, so it looks like a ball of cotton with legs. It baas as it walks into a wall.

ALBERTWell, I thank you for your concern, Edward, but if I leave the house and go into town, Ill see her, Im just gonna get even more depressed.

EDWARDWell of course youre gonna see her.

ALBERTWhy, did you see her? How is she? Is she sad? Did she look sad? Has she lost a lot of weight? Did she gain weight? Is she fat now? That would help.

EDWARDYeah, I saw her, she seems fine. Which is all the more reason for you to get back out there, man. Show her youre fine too! I mean, things could be worse--

27.

ALBERT (CONT'D)

ALBERTIm not fine. And you dont know what its like. Youre going home every night and having sex with your girlfriend.

EDWARDNo, Ruth and I havent had sex.

ALBERTYou... Youve never had sex with Ruth?

EDWARDNo.

ALBERTYouve been seeing each other for a long time though.

EDWARDSix years. Yikes. Wow. Doesnt seem like it.

ALBERTDoesnt she... have sex with like a dozen guys every day at the whorehouse?

EDWARDOn a slow day, yeah.

ALBERTBut... you guys have never had sex.

EDWARDNo, Ruth says not until were married. Shes a Christian, and so am I, and we want to save ourselves for each other. Yknow, for our wedding night.

A beat.

ALBERTYoure right, Edward. Things could be a lot worse. Ill... Ill try and meet some people.

EXT./ESTAB. GENERAL STORE - DAY

28.

INT. GENERAL STORE - SAME

Albert browses various sheep-shearing tools. He notices a PRETTY GIRL picking out cookware nearby. After a beat, he walks over to her.

ALBERTHi.

PRETTY GIRLHello.

ALBERTI uh... noticed youre looking at pots.

PRETTY GIRLYeah I am.

ALBERTStores pretty great, huh? Its gotta have like... 20 items.

PRETTY GIRLYeah.

ALBERTRan that 8-item store outta business. Right? That was pretty sad.

She smiles politely, then goes back to her browsing. Albert pops a piece of gum into his mouth.

ALBERT (CONTD)You ever tried gum?

PRETTY GIRLNo.

ALBERTIts this new thing, pretty cool. Lotta people are doing it. (trying to be cool) Helps to pass the ti-i-i-me.

PRETTY GIRLWell, have a good rest of your day.

ALBERTListen, I dont know if youre doing anything Sunday after church, but theyre gonna be delivering a big block of ice into town and...

29.

(MORE)

should be pretty cool to watch. You dont usually get a chance to see... that much ice all together in one place.

PRETTY GIRLYeah, that doesnt interest me.

ALBERTYeah, no me either. Its gonna be so gay there.

PRETTY GIRLArent you the guy that backed out of that showdown?

ALBERTUh, yeah, I-- you were there?

PRETTY GIRLYeah, pretty much the whole town was there.

ALBERTWhole town, yeah. Guess Im a pretty popular guy.

PRETTY GIRLNo, not after that.

ALBERTOkay, yeah, Im the dumb stupid guy who didnt wanna get shot. What a moron I am. Fine, you know, Im just gonna go to the ice without you, and Im gonna have a great time.

Albert exits.

INT. OLD STUMP RESTAURANT - EVENING

Albert sits across from a pretty Chinese girl.

ALBERTSo... tell me about your family. Are they-- what do your parents do?

CHINESE GIRLAre you... are you serious?

ALBERTWell, yeah.

30.

ALBERT (CONT'D)

CHINESE GIRLWell, my dad owns a business that manufactures brass light fixtures for upscale hotels.

ALBERTWow, really?

CHINESE GIRLNo, hes a fucking railroad builder, like every other Chinaman out here.

ALBERTOh. Ha. That other thing was so specific, I thought-- well, I bet hes a... really neat guy though.

CHINESE GIRLGosh, I wouldnt know, I never see him. You know how many hours he works?

ALBERTUm... (laughs nervously) All the live-long day?

She gets up and leaves.

ALBERT (CONTD)Wait-- come on! Are you... even allowed to be offended by anything I do?

INT. OLD STUMP RESTAURANT - EVENING

CLOSE ON Albert as he eats dinner, across from an unseen date.

ALBERTSo, I uh... I know this is totally acceptable out here on the frontier, but, uh... not gonna lie, something about it feels kinda weird.

OPPOSITE ANGLE ON a twelve year-old GIRL sitting across from him.

GIRLMy mother says I need to find a husband so I dont I become an old maid.

31.

ALBERTWell, I... I think you got a few years ahead of you before that. How-- how old are you? Thirteen? Fourteen?

GIRL(through a mouthful of food)

Twelve.

ALBERTTwelve??

GIRLWell, Ill be twelve in this many days.

She holds up her hands, indicating the number eight.

ALBERT(gesturing O.S.)

Can we just get the check? Thanks. (to girl) I got this.

WAITERYou sure you guys dont want dessert?

GIRL(youthfully excited)

Yay! Dessert! Dessert!

ALBERT(a little ashamed)

I guess well... take a look at a dessert menu.

INT. ALBERTS HOUSE - NIGHT

A giggling girl practically drags Albert up to the front porch by the hand. She plops down on the love seat and grabs him carnivorously.

ALBERTWow, you uh-- you got a lotta energy, huh?

WILD GIRL(laughs) Uh huh!

She grabs him and kisses him wildly. Hes suprised but responsive, until:

32.

ALBERTOw!! Jesus, you bit my tongue!

The girl laughs and slaps his face, hard.

ALBERT (CONTD)Ow! What the fuck?!

WILD GIRLOh come on, dont be a pussy!

ALBERTWhat, I just dont like hitting--

She slaps him again twice and laughs.

ALBERT (CONTD)Ow! Jesus!

WILD GIRLAre you ticklish?

ALBERTWhat?

WILD GIRL(tickling him)

You ticklish? Oh my god, you are! So fun!!

She tickles him relentlessly. Albert, very ticklish, kicks and flails about frantically as the girl laughs with glee.

ALBERTStop it! Knock it off, Im not supposed to roughhouse!

Albert accidentally kicks over a kerosene lamp, setting fire to the porch.

ALBERT (CONTD)Oh, shit!

He grabs a burlap blanket and puts out the fire. As he cathes his breath, his dad pokes his head out the bedroom window.

GEORGEAlbert, is that you?

ALBERTYeah, sorry. Sorry, dad.

33.

GEORGEYour mother died this afternoon.

George closes the window and goes back to sleep.

EXT. GRAVESITE - DAY

Albert stands with George, Edward, Ruth, PASTOR WILSON, and other townsfolk over an open grave near Alberts house. They finish singing Amazing Grace.

PASTOR WILSON O merciful God, take this good woman into thine heavenly kingdom, that she may find peace and freedom from earthly suffering...

EDWARDIm really sorry, Albert.

ALBERTShe had a full life. You know, when she was born, this was all just a dusty desert plain. Now look at it.

ANGLE ON a single shitty shack in the distance. Everything esle is still just a dusty plain.

ALBERT (CONTD)We got the sod house over there.

EDWARDThis place sure has changed. Ive seen old photographs of that plain without the sod house, and its really weird-- its like you recognize it, but its also really different, but its the same, but its just weird.

ALBERT(to George)

You okay, dad?

GEORGEShe was a good solid woman. I liked her.

ALBERTEasy dad, Im uncomfortable with all this emotion.

34.

Three cowboys approach, carrying the bodies of two men who have been shot.

COWBOY #1Hey, we got a couple more here.

COWBOY #2Yeah, can we get in on this grave?

EXT. WAGON TRAIL - DAY

An OLD PROSPECTOR rides in a single horse-drawn wagon with his dog at his side. He holds a just-mined piece of gold the size of a billiard ball. He affectionately scratches his dogs head.

OLD PROSPECTORYou know what Im gonna get you with this gold, Plugger? Im gonna get you a big ol pile of fresh-cut steak.

Plugger pants happily.

OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)And Im gonna get you a whole mess of bones fulla marrow. You like that?

He laughs as he pats Plugger. Suddenly, Plugger begins barking in an urgent manner. He senses danger.

OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)Whats wrong, boy?

We hear the sound of several horses approaching. The prospector looks up ahead at the trail. ANGLE ON a group of rough-looking OUTLAWS emerging from a around a bend in the road. Plugger barks more urgently. The Prospector quickly hides the gold in a small sack.

OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)All right now, settle down, pal.

The outlaws stop their horses in front of the prospectors wagon. We now see that among them is a very beautiful woman, ANNA (late 20s). The leader of the outlaws is CLINCH. He is as bad as they come in the Old West. A former Confederate soldier, Clinch is bitter, displaced, and gone lawless in the wake of the South losing the Civil War. He is a genuinely scary man.

35.

OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)(affable but a bit uneasy)

Howdy there.

No response. Plugger growls.

OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)Easy, Plugger. What can I do for you fellas?

CLINCHWere riding through to Sherman Creek. We were hoping you could tell us the shortest route.

OLD PROSPECTOROh. Well sure, I can help you there.

The prospector fumbles for a map. As he does so, a couple of the outlaws glance at Clinch, as if waiting for a signal. Anna looks at him as well, but with a bit of defiant concern. The prospector gets out of his wagon, and walks over to the outlaws.

OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)(indicating map)

You can follow the main road through Bullhead and straight on into Sherman Creek, but youd probably get there quicker if you take Bilbee Pass. Safer, too. Less chance of bandits and such.

CLINCH(a beat)

Thank you.

The Old Prospector nods and moves back toward his wagon.

CLINCH (CONTD)Oh, theres one more thing you can do for us.

OLD PROSPECTORWhats that?

CLINCHYou can hand over the gold.

The Prospector looks at him nervously for a beat.

36.

OLD PROSPECTOROh, I... I aint got no gold. I wish. Been prospecting all day, and that streams just panned out. On my way back to town now.

CLINCHYou see, thats just it. Youre heading back to town in the middle of the day. Prospector only does that when hes found gold to sell. Now, give it to me.

OLD PROSPECTOR(much more scared now, and trying to hide it)

I swear, I dont have any gold. Im headin into town early cause--

Clinch draws his gun.

OLD PROSPECTOR (CONTD)Oh now, wait a minute. Yknow, I might have a little bit of gold--

Clinch shoots the prospector dead.

ANNAClinch, goddammit, you didnt have to do that!

Plugger goes to his master and starts licking him and making a sad whining sound.

CLINCHI know I didnt have to, sweetheart.

ANNAHe wouldve given you the gold!

CLINCHThe point is, I had to ask him twice. Im a busy man with a schedule.

ANNAYoure a son of a bitch, is what you are.

Clinch strikes Anna in the face, hard, knocking her off her horse. Shes winded, but still looks up at him with unbroken defiance.

37.

CLINCHDont you ever talk to me like that again. A mans wife will show him respect.

ANNA(getting to her feet)

Glad to see that works both ways.

One of the other outlaws, BEN, approaches with the prospectors map.

BEN(indicating map)

Clinch, were gonna lose half a day going through Bullhead.

CLINCH(thinks a beat, looking at map)

You, Enoch, Jordy, and the boysll ride with me. Well take Bilbee Pass to Sherman Creek Trail. Make no mistake about the kinda heat were gonna draw after we take that stage. Every lawman in this territoryll be out for us.

Clinch turns to Anna, who is now back on her horse.

CLINCH (CONTD)Youre stayin outta harms way. Lewis, youll ride east with Anna, and hole up here in (indicating map) Old Stump. When things cool down, well come for you.

ANNAThank you so much, sweetheart, for always thinking about my safety.

Clinch gives her a snarky smile, then gallops away with his gang. Only Lewis and Anna remain. Anna watches Clinch ride away with a sour look on her face. Lewis turns to ride away.

LEWISCmon Anna, lets go.

Anna reluctantly starts to follow him. She turns and looks back at the prospectors body, with Plugger still whimpering over it. Anna stops for a moment.

ANNAPlugger! Cmon, boy!

38.

Plugger looks up at her, unsure.

ANNA (CONTD)Cmon, Plugger! Cmon!

Giving in, Plugger turns and hurries toward Anna.

LEWIS(eye roll)

Jesus Christ.

Anna and Lewis ride away, with Plugger following.

EXT. OLD STUMP MAIN STREET - MORNING

Albert and Edward walk down the street. A kid passes them pushing a rolling hoop with a stick.

EDWARDMan, I see kids everywhere with those stick-hoops lately.

ALBERTI know, I actually worry about what it does to their brains.

EDWARDIt stunts their attention spans, right?

ALBERTOh yeah. That is the death of innovation, right there. When intellectual progress comes to a screeching halt twenty years from now, you can thank the stick-hoop.

Suddenly, Albert stops dead in his tracks, and sees something O.S. ANGLE ON a storefront with a sign reading MOUSTACHERY. Louise is coming out through the front door. FOY, a spruced-up-looking dandy with a fine suit and a curled moustache, emerges behind her, and locks up. He turns, to Louise, they kiss, and she takes his arm as they walk up the street. ANGLE ON Albert standing with Edward, as they watch.

ALBERT (CONTD)Holy shit. Foy?! Fucking Foy.

ALBERT (CONTD)Aw man, Im sorry, Al.

39.

ALBERT (CONTD)She told me she didnt want to date anyone. She had to work on herself. Bull fucking shit. Foy. The owner of the moustachery. If it were acceptable to be openly gay in our time, Foy would have ten Englishmen living in his asshole.

EDWARDMaybe you should grow a moustache.

ALBERTI cant afford it. The upkeep alone: the waxes, the oils, the creams, I dont have the cash. Fucking Foy. (sighs) Cmon lets go. Wheres Ruth? She coming to church?

EDWARDNo, she has a 10 oclock blumpkin.

ALBERTWhats a blumpkin?

EDWARDIts when a man receives fellatio while hes making stool. They just invented it in Italy, and its become popular here.

ALBERTReceives fellatio? Jesus, you make it sound like an Episcopal Communion service.

EDWARDWell, its just the process.

ALBERTSo, a guy gets his dick sucked while hes taking a shit.

EDWARDAlbert, dont use those words. It diminishes Ruths work. She takes a lot of pride in doing a good job.

ALBERTIm... Im sorry, Edward. I wasnt thinking. It wont happen again.

40.

EDWARDIts okay. (then, noticing something O.S. In the street) Hey, look, its the ice.

ANGLE ON the street, where a group of men are struggling to unload a massive block of ice from the back of a wagon. They are assembling a wooden ramp with which to slide it down. Albert and Edward watch for a beat.

ALBERTSee, this is fun. She missed out.

EDWARDHuh?

A plank on the back of the wagon snaps, and one end of the ice block crashes to the ground, crushing the skull of one of the men. Albert and Edward scream in horror.

ALBERT/EDWARDAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH MY GOD!! OH JESUS!!! AAAAAAAAA!!! THAT WENT BAD SO FAST!!!!!! OH GOD!!!!

EXT./ESTAB. CHURCH - MORNING

INT. CHURCH - MORNING

PASTOR WILSON stands at the pulpit, delivering his sermon.

PASTOR WILSONAnd make no mistake, my children: there shall be swift and righteous justice on all free-grazers. No more shall they nibble wantonly at the teat of our coffers. And thats just exactly like that part in the Bible that applies to that situation. Amen.

CONGREGATIONAmen.

Over the following, Albert glances over at Louise and Foy, who sit together. Louise does not see him, but Foy does, and shoots him a dismissive look.

41.

PASTOR WILSONWe would like to offer a heartfelt prayer to the family of James Addison, who was killed this morning while unloading the ice shipment. James, well think of you lovingly this July as we sip the cold summer beverages for which you gave your life.

ALBERT(sotto, to Edward)

Theyre still gonna use the fuckin ice.

PASTOR WILSONBefore we end the service this morning, wed like to welcome two new members of our community: Lewis Barnes, and his sister Anna.

Over the following, Albert turns and looks over. He sees Anna, and regards her with interest and curiosity. He notes her beauty, but in a detached way.

PASTOR WILSON (CONTD)Theyve just moved here to Old Stump, and plan to build a farm, so we wish them the best of luck. That concludes todays service, God bless you for another week, and there is a mountain lion warning in effect.

EXT./ESTAB. MOUSTACHERY - DAY

INT. MOUSTACHERY - SAME

The interior is adorned with various photographs of men with impressive-looking moustaches. Various moustache-care products line the walls, perused by a couple of browsers. In the back we see a man in a barber-type chair getting his moustache carefully waxed and combed by a male attendant. Foy, holding a jar of moustache cream, talks with a moderately well-dressed CUSTOMER who has an absolutely huge, bushy moustache.

FOYI would say you could try oiling it into a fine curl, your moustache definitely has the body for it.

42.

CUSTOMERYeah, Ive thought about that, but I sorta like it a little messy, yknow? Sorta fun?

FOYWell, if thats what youre going for, Id use the cream, and I would definitely let it grow.

CUSTOMERSee, I kinda wanna do that.

FOYAnd you know what, I see the hesitation on your face, but trust me, you could do that.

CUSTOMERLike shoulder-length?

FOYDo it. Youll thank me.

CUSTOMERSee, Ive always wanted to do shoulder-length, but Im just worried I dont have the chin for it.

FOYYou have the chin for it.

CUSTOMEROkay, wow, you just gave me like a whole bunch of confidence.

FOYTry the cream for a few weeks, and lemme know how it goes.

CUSTOMERI will, thank you. Im all excited, now I want it to grow really fast!

As the customer exits, Louise passes him through the front door. She approaches Foy.

LOUISEHi.

FOYHey, you.

43.

They kiss.

LOUISESo Im getting really excited for the fair, and I thought maybe we could go dress shopping later.

FOYYou know, I was thinking you could use a new dress.

LOUISESomething... expensive?

FOYStupidly expensive.

She laughs and they kiss again. At that moment, the door opens again, and Albert nonchalantly enters.

LOUISE(under breath)

Oh, Jesus.

FOYHi, Albert.

ALBERTHello.

FOYWhats up, kiddo? Never seen you in here before.

ALBERTJust, um... browsing.

FOYYeah... you dont have a moustache though.

ALBERTYeah, I was, uh... thinkin about... growin one.

LOUISEIm gonna use the powder room.

She exits.

FOYWhat kinda moustache you looking to grow?

44.

ALBERTUm... a big one. the kind that... goes down below my mouth and then along the edge of my jaw and then goes up and becomes my sideburns and then becomes my hair.

FOYAh, a Mobius moustache.

ALBERTA Mobius moustache, yeah.

FOY(beat)

You, ah... you know that sort of moustache is a costly facial accessory.

ALBERTYeah.

FOYWell-- come on, Albert, youre a sheep farmer.

ALBERTYou feel good about what youre doing?

FOYWhat am I doing?

ALBERTStealing a guys girlfriend? You able to sleep at night?

FOYHey-- Louise dumped you, my friend. Its not my fault she wanted someone with more to offer. I can give her a lavish home. Warm blankets. Wrapped candies. Can you say the same, Albert? Can you give Louise wrapped candies?

ALBERTFuck you, man.

FOYYeah, thats what shes doing.

45.

Albert stares at him for a beat, then storms out. After a moment, he re-enters and makes a clumsy attempt to knock over some jars. He trips and rights himself, and knocks two jars over before exiting again.

EXT. SALOON - NIGHT

A typical lively (for a frontier town) evening, as locals make their way in and out of the saloon.

INT. SALOON - NIGHT

Edward sits at a table in the saloon, waiting patiently for Ruth. He looks up and notices the two newcomers, Anna and Lewis, enter the saloon and approach the bar. The locals take note of Anna, and a couple guys vocalize their approval, but it doesnt seem to faze her. ANGLE ON Ruth, who emerges from the upper level, exiting one of the brothel rooms with a dirty-looking cowboy. Edward stands up with a smile as she descends. She walks over and sits down opposite him. He takes her hands.

EDWARDHi, honey.

RUTHOh, gosh, that was a long day.

EDWARDAw, what happened?

RUTHThis guy wanted me to smoke a cigar and ash on his balls while I jerked him off.

EDWARDWow, see your job is interesting cause no two days are alike. I go to work and Im like, grrr! Monotony!

RUTHIts a ride.

EDWARD(beat)

Ruth, honey, Ive been thinking.

RUTHAbout what?

46.

EDWARDWell... I love you.

RUTHI love you too.

EDWARDAnd weve been together a long time, and I... well... what do you think about... us spending the night together?

RUTH(disbelieving surprise)

You mean sharing a bed?

EDWARDYeah.

RUTHAnd... having sex?

EDWARDWell, I mean, not right away. We could just lie together the first few times, see how it feels, and then go from there.

RUTHEddie... were Christians.

EDWARDI know we are. And I want to do the correct thing in the eyes of the Lord, but... if we really love each other... then wouldnt God be okay with it?

Over the following line, Ruth turns her head, and we see her opposite cheek for the first time. There is a small dollop of semen dripping down her face.

RUTHI dont know, youre talking about premarital relations.

EDWARDOop, you got a little somethin there.

RUTHOh.

47.

EDWARDI got it.

Edward wipes it off with his handkerchief, and puts it back in his pocket.

RUTHEddie, Im just not sure...

EDWARDMaybe think about it?

At that moment, Albert enters and sits down with a head full of steam.

ALBERTThats it. Im out.

EDWARDHuh?

ALBERTIm out. Im gone. Im getting outta here, and Im going to San Francisco.

RUTHWhat?

ALBERTYeah, I just wanted to say goodbye.

EDWARDWhoa whoa, Al, are you serious? Cause of Louise?

ALBERTYes, Im fucking serious. Theres shit all for me here, and Im out. I hate the frontier, I hate everything in it, and Im not gonna be emotionally tortured by seeing the girl I thought I was gonna marry every single day with her new asshole moustached boyfriend.

RUTHSo... youre just gonna leave Old Stump?

ALBERTWow, Ruth, I love you, but you have no idea how fuckin stupid that sounds.

48.

EDWARDWhat about me?

ALBERTWhat?

EDWARDWhat am I gonna do if youre gone?

ALBERTWell gosh, Edward, were men, so I guess theres no need to make a big deal about it. This is-- I gotta do this, and... Im sorry.

ANGLE ON THE BAR - The bartender gives Lewis a drink. He takes it, and raises it to his mouth. At that moment, a YOUNG COWBOY behind him laughs heartily at some joke or other told by his buddy, and bumps Lewis in the back. Lewis drink spills on him. He turns around.

YOUNG COWBOYHey, watch it, pal.

LEWISI think you owe me a drink, fella.

YOUNG COWBOY(derisive laugh)

What the hells wrong with you?

LEWISIm thirsty.

YOUNG COWBOYWell then go down to the river and take a dunk.

LEWISLast chance, kid.

The young cowboy takes a glass from the bar, pours a whiskey, and moves to hand it to Lewis. Lewis goes to take it, but at the last moment the young cowboy drops his lit cigarette in the glass. Lewis stares for a second, then pulls out his gun and shoots the young cowboy in the chest. The young cowboy falls to the ground, dead. Albert and his friends react with alarm. Another rough-looking local behind Lewis breaks a bottle across his ear. Lewis goes down. Another cowboy turns on the bottle-breaking cowboy.

OTHER COWBOYThats my bottle, you son of a bitch!

49.

He takes a swing at the bottle-breaking cowboy, and a bar brawl ensues almost instantly.

ALBERT/EDWARDOh Jesus/Oh shit.

ALBERTWhy the fuck does this always have to happen? Two guys get in a fight and then suddenly we all have to start fighting.

EDWARDCmon hurry, get in position.

ANGLE ON the brawl in full swing. Two guys near Edward and Albert are into it, and their fight is making its way nearer. When it gets really close, we reveal Edward and Albert are mock fighting to protect themselves.

EDWARD (CONTD)We got our own thing goin on over here!

ALBERTYeah, and its really bad! Stop fighting me!

EDWARDI friggin hate this guy!

ALBERTOw! A punch!

EDWARDI hope I win!

ALBERTYeah, nobody needs to get in on this! Were both getting hurt pretty bad!

At that moment, Albert notices something O.S. ANGLE ON the balcony above, where a few cowboys are brawling. The rickety wooden railing is cracking with each impact, about to give way. Directly beneath it is Anna, attempting to keep out of the way of the action. Albert runs toward her, and pushes her out of the way just as two brawling cowboys crash through the railing, falling to the floor below. She just misses being crushed by their fall, and by the heavy wooden debris.

50.

EXT. SALOON - NIGHT

Albert and Anna stumble out of the saloon, out of breath.

ANNAThank you.

ALBERTYeah, sure.

At that moment, the sheriff and deputy race up the saloon steps, guns firing into the air.

ALBERT (CONTD)Shit! Come on, lets go.

EXT. FURTHER UP THE STREET - MOMENTS LATER

Albert and Anna dust themselves off as they walk up the street.

ANNAPretty fast hands back there. I guess youre a real hero, huh?

ALBERTOh no, Im not the hero. Im the guy in the crowd making fun of the heros shirt.

ANNAAh.

Plugger runs up to Anna enthusiastically.

ANNA (CONTD)Heh. This is Plugger.

ALBERT(petting him)

Hey there, Plugger. (then) So... that was your brother, huh?

ANNALewis, yeah.

ALBERTDoes he generally commit murder over beverage-related disputes?

ANNAHes always been a little rambunctious, yeah.

51.

ALBERTYeah, he seems like a character. Youre... okay, though?

ANNAOh yeah, Ive seen him do it a hundred times. I dont have to worry about Lewis, hell pull himself out no problem.

ALBERTYeah, doesnt seem like theres anything to worry about Im uh... Im Albert by the way.

ANNAAnna.

ALBERTYou guys just got into town, huh? Welcome to our awesome town.

ANNAThanks, yeah, Lewis and I just came from Kansas City.

ALBERTOh, Kansas.

ANNAWell no, its in Missouri.

ALBERTOh right, thats annoying and weird.

ANNAYeah, we were wanting a change, so we came out to the frontier looking to build a farm.

ALBERTReally? Thats what I do. I have a farm about two miles from here.

ANNAOh, cattle?

ALBERTSheep.

ANNAOh.

52.

ALBERTYeah.

ANNAWell, thats gotta be fulfilling work though, right?

ALBERTYeah, its great, its like being a dog walker for a hundred and fifty really stupid dogs.

ANNA(laughs)

It cant be that bad. Sheep are cute.

ALBERTYeah, thats the problem. I mean, if I was a cattle farmer, that'd be one thing. Y'know? That's a manly job. You use cows to make beef. Leather. Tough things. With sheep you make sweaters. I'm basically a sweater farmer.

ANNA(laughs)

Okay.

They reach the big stump in the center of the street.

ANNA (CONTD)Im assuming this is why the towns called Old Stump.

ALBERTYeah, when they built the town, they had to cut down this big tree, but they couldnt move the stump. They didnt have any dynamite, and they ran outta black guys, so they just had to leave it here, right in the middle of the street.

ANNA(gesturing)

Well, why couldnt they just build the town fifty feet that way?

Albert stares at the stump for a beat.

53.

ALBERTSo, why would you leave Kansas City for the western frontier? I mean, this is a shithole.

ANNAI dont know -- its exciting. Everythings so new and unpredictable.

ALBERTWell that is true, nothing is what it seems out here, like look-- see that building right there? I mean we dont know whats inside. I mean it could be anything.

He points to a wooden building that is ridiculously and obviously marked BANK in huge letters. Anna laughs.

ALBERT (CONTD)This whole place has such an air of mystery about it.

ANNAIm getting the sense that youre kind of a negative guy.

ALBERTI live in a place thats as boring as it is deadly. The whole West is basically just like a big dangerous bummer. But its not gonna be my problem any longer. Im packing up tomorrow.

ANNAReally? Well, you gotta do what makes you happy.

ALBERTKind of impossible right now, but well see.

Anna regards him for a moment.

ANNACould it be... that you are also a man with a broken heart?

ALBERTSince you brought it up, can I unload all my shit on you?

54.

ANNAWell, I do owe you one.

EXT. A RIDGE - NIGHT

Albert and Anna sit on a rock, looking down at the town of Old Stump below. From this angle, the town looks idyllic and peaceful.

ALBERTMy whole life revolved around making her happy. She was the one thing that made the shootings and wild animals and Indians and general depressing awfulness about the West bearable, yknow?

ANNAHowd you guys meet?

ALBERTWe both had dysentery in the same hospital.

ANNABloody stools.

ALBERTBloody stools. Bloody stoolerinos. And we totally hit it off. She was tired of living in Sherman Creek, so we both came back to Old Stump, I helped her get set up with a job as a schoolmarm, and shes been here with me ever since.

ANNAWas she a good marm?

ALBERTShe could marm. She could marm. Her marming skills were-- I would say she outmarmed any other marm this towns had. She marmed the hell outta that school. She made the churchmarm look like a piece of shit.

ANNAMy mom was a marm.

55.

ALBERTAnd, the whole time we were together, I thought, how can I possibly be this happy? One of these days shes gonna figure out shes too good for me. And then one day she did.

ANNAI think you got that upside down. I mean, it sounds like youve bent over backwards for this girl, but whats she given you in return?

ALBERTI told you, she made me happy.

ANNAUh huh. Well, if this Foy guy is that much of a douche, then shell figure it out if shes smart. Sometimes a girl has to get a few assholes out of her system before she realizes what a good guy looks like.

Albert sighs. Suddenly, there is a rattling sound. They look down, and a rattlesnake is slowly slithering by at their feet. All of the following dialogue is said through tight mouths and with frozen bodies.

ALBERTOh, fuck.

ANNAIs it a copperhead?

ALBERTYeahp.

ANNAFuck.

ALBERTIf we hold still, well be fine.

ANNAOkay.

A beat.

ANNA (CONTD)So, youre really leaving tomorrow, huh?

56.

ALBERTYeah.

ANNAWhy dont you at least stay through the weekend? Isnt the fair on Saturday?

ALBERTOh, fuck that, Louise is gonna be there, and shes gonna be with Foy.

ANNAWell then Ill go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back than to have her see you with another girl.

ALBERT(sigh)

Maybe.

ANNAEspecially a hot girl. She sees me, shell be totally intimidated.

ALBERTOh, youre very modest I see.

ANNAYes, I know Im a little cocky, but I have great tits, so...

Albert laughs, which makes the rattler shake its rattle.

ALBERT(freezing up again)

Ah, shit! Sorry! Sorry!

EXT./ESTAB. OLD STUMP STREET - NEXT MORNING

An old man sits outside the general store reading the paper. The headline reads BAR BRAWLER ARRESTED FOR MURDER.

INT. SHERIFFS OFFICE - SAME

Lewis lies sleeping in a cell. The SHERIFF enters with Anna.

SHERIFFBarnes. You got a visitor.

Lewis wakes up and sees Anna.

57.

LEWISAnna!

ANNAYou dumb asshole.

LEWISHey look, I didnt know who he was, and besides, he was all up in my face, you saw--

ANNAYou shot the pastors son. You realize theyre probably gonna hang you.

Lewis moves in closer and lowers his voice.

LEWISWho gives a fuck what they want? When Clinch gets into town, its not gonna matter what they do. Hell bust me out and anyone who tries to stop him is gonna be a dead man.

ANNAThen hes a murderer. And so are you.

LEWIS(beat, darkens)

I dont think Clinch would like you talking about him that way. Not a nice thing for a mans wife to say about her husband.

ANNAWell, well see if he gets here in time, huh. Tick tock.

Anna exits. Lewis watches her with dark silence.

EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY

The fairgound is bustling with frontier folk. There are tents, shooting galleries, games, etc. Albert rides up on his horse and dismounts. Three sheep approach, and start baa-ing.

ALBERT(shooing them away)

Oh, Jesus, come on! Go home! Go!

58.

(MORE)

That way! Jonathan! Andrew! Go! Now!

The sheep wander off as he ties his horse to a nearby post, as Anna rides up.

ANNAHey, sheepboy!

ALBERTHey.

She dismounts.

ALBERT (CONTD)Jesus, I heard about your brother.

ANNAAlbert, Ill only say this once. I dont want to talk about Lewis. Anything that happens to him right now is his own fault. Got it?

ALBERTYeah, sure.

ANNANow lets hit the fair, cause you know what I wanna do?

ALBERTEat hot food in hundred-degree weather?

ANNAGet my picture taken. Never done it before.

ALBERTWell youre in luck, they got a guy right over there.

ANNALets do it, come on!

She pulls him onto the fairground and over to the photo booth. They get in line. A sign reads, PHOTO GRAPHS! MADE BY LIGHTNING AND GOD HIMSELF! A family is posing for a photo as a photographer stands under the curtain of a large, old camera.

PHOTOGRAPHEROkay, everybody hold still!

59.

ALBERT (CONT'D)

The family stands rigidly and without expression, as the powder flash goes off, leaving smoke in its wake.

ANNAYknow, supposedly theres some guy in Texas who smiled one time while he was getting his picture taken.

ALBERTShut the fuck up. I was just talkin about--are you serious?

ANNAI think. I mean I heard it somewhere, I dunno if its true.

ALBERTYeah, that sounds like the kinda bullshit somebody would make up.

Short beat.

ANNASo, I know what kinda girl you like -- what kinda girl do you not like?

ALBERTHuh?

ANNALike, whats the worst quality for you in another person?

ALBERTOh, thats an interesting question.

ANNAThat deal-breaker thing you absolutely cannot tolerate. For me its tobacco chewing. I dont care how much a guy smokes, but if he chews, forget it. Theres no way Im kissing that. And hes definitely not going down on me.

ALBERTWow. Thats beautiful. You should stitch that into a pillow.

ANNA(laughs)

60.

ALBERTYou can embroider it all fancy and it can say Dont go snackin if you been tobaccin.

ANNA(laugh trails off)

Well, what about you?

ALBERTUm... well, youre gonna think this is fucked up because it is, but I really cant handle it when a girl looks like her dad.

ANNAOkay, thats... bizarre. Why?

ALBERTWell I mean, if Im dating a girl, and then I meet her mom and dad, and it turns out she looks like him, and I see all the matching facial features, and the bone structure and whatnot, from then on every time I kiss her, Im very aware that Im kissing... the dads... facial geography. And it just has a gay feeling.

ANNAI see.

ALBERTYeah, I know. I was dating this girl about ten years ago and me and her and her family all went down to the creek for a swim one day, and her dad took his shirt off, and he had the exact same nipples as she did. I had to move to a different town.

ANNA(beat)

Im surprised your girlfriend left you.

ALBERT(laughing despite himself)

Yeah yeah, shut the hell up.

ANGLE ON the photographer again. Now there is a couple standing in front of the camera.

61.

PHOTOGRAPHEROkay, everyone hold still!

The camera flash explodes, killing the photographer and igniting several passers-by. Albert, Anna, and the other people in line react to the explosion.

ALBERT/ANNAJesus!/Oh my God!

ALBERTThis fucking fair! Every year something happens, and boom -- people die.

ANNAEvery year people die?

ALBERTOh yeah, I forget youre from a place thats not awful. Yes, every year people die. Lets see -- last year there were two gunfights, a stage collapsed, there were two knife fights, a drowning, and the Indians attacked.

Nearby, a BARKER stands at a booth that says Medicine Show. An array of tonics and elixirs with colorful labels are displayed.

BARKERSir and madam! May I divert your attention over here for a moment!

Albert and Anna approach.

BARKER (CONTD)Welcome, welcome! Can I interest you in a miracle cure? Only the finest healing tonics and elixirs procured from the farthest corners of the globe!

Albert picks up a bottle.

ALBERTOgdens Celebrated Stomach Bitters. Can I-- can I just ask-- celebrated by who? Whos celebrating about stomach bitters?

62.

ANNAGod, look at the ingredients: alcohol, cocaine, morphine--

ALBERTMercury with chalk. What the hell is mercury with chalk?

BARKER(with flare)

Science!

ALBERT(reading)

And red flannel. Red flannel? Theres shirt in here?

BARKERPieces of shirt.

ALBERTOkay, thank you.

BARKER(holding up a bottle)

Would you care to try some Parkers Liquid Beef Tonic!

ALBERT(looking O.S.)

Oh God.

ANNAWhat?

ALBERTThats them.

ANGLE ON Louise and Foy approaching.

ALBERT (CONTD)Okay, lets pretend you just said something funny.

Albert laughs hysterically with an hand on Annas shoulder.

ALBERT (CONTD)Wait, no-- shit! You pretend I just said something funny.

ANNACome on, introduce me.

She takes his arm and leads him over to Foy and Louise.

63.

ALBERTWait, no--

ANNAHi there! Foy and Louise, right?

FOYThats right.

ALBERTHi, Louise.

LOUISEHello, Albert.

ALBERTUh, this is Anna. Shes uh...

ANNAIm his girlfriend.

ALBERTShes my girlfriend. The new gf. Big time.

ANNALotttt of sexual activity.

ALBERTY--yeah. (to Foy and Louise)How bout you guys? Any sexual acts?

LOUISEAlbert, stop it. Sweetie, Im sorry--

ALBERTOh, hes sweetie now. You hear that? Isnt that great? God, Im rooting for you guys.

LOUISEYoure embarrassing yourself, Albert.

FOYNo, its all right, dear. Im only sweetie in public. When were alone, she calls me... penis man.

ANNAHey, we were just about to try the shooting gallery. Wanna join?

64.

ALBERTWhat?

ANNAYeah, itll be fun, right bigger penis man? Thats my nickname for him. Whats crazy is that I actually came up with it before we even heard yours.

FOYThats a great idea! In fact, what do you say we make things interesting? A nickel a target.

ALBERTThats uh-- thats a little rich for my blood. How bout a penny?

FOYWhats the matter, Albert? Is business ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad?!

Foy looks around at everyone, impressed with himself.

FOY (CONTD)A penny it is. Good lord, Albert, youre such a sheepskate.

Foy looks around, once again impressed with himself.

FOY (CONTD)All right Louise, get ready to shear me on.

Foy looks around, once again impressed with himself.

FOY (CONTD)For heaven sakes, Foy.

ANNAWell then, lets get to it, huh?

Foy and Louise approach the gallery.

ALBERT(aside, to Anna)

What the hell are you doing? I suck balls at--

ANNARelax, itll be fine.

65.

Foy steps up to the gallery, and pays the vendor. He takes out a small tin of moustache wax, and expertly greases his moustache. He picks up the gun, takes aim, and the targets begin popping up. They are all cardboard images of the same completely racist, stereotypical-looking, wide-eyed black guy cartoon character dressed only in overalls. Foy shoots fast and sure, and takes out two thirds of the targets.

VENDOR7 out of 10! Quite a marksman!

He turns smugly to Albert as we hear a smattering of applause from the small group of observers who have gathered.

FOYCare to try?

Albert takes the gun, and reluctantly aims. He fires several times, and does not hit a single target. The crowd groans and sneers. ANGLE ON the 12 year-old girl from the earlier restaurant scene, watching with a friend.

OTHER GIRLDidnt you date that guy?

GIRLWeeee hung out a few times, I dunno if youd call it dating.

OTHER GIRLNot so good huh?

GIRLI mean, he gave it the ol college try but it just didnt have the wow factor.

ANGLE BACK ON FOY, who stands smugly facing Albert.

FOYLooks like thats seven cents you owe me, sheepherder.

ANNAHang on a sec.

Foy looks at her.

ANNA (CONTD)You wanna make it even more interesting?

Foy waits to hear her out.

66.

ANNA (CONTD)If I can shoot 10 out of 10 on Alberts behalf, you owe him a dollar. If I cant, he owes you a dollar.

ALBERTWhoa now, hang on--

CROWDA dollar?! / Ive never seen a dollar! / Nobody has a dollar! / LET US SEE THE DOLLAR!

FOYAll right. Youre on.

Foy smugly and confidently hands her the gun.

ANNA(to vendor)

Can that thing go any faster?

VENDORWell yeah, you can play double or triple speeds, but thats--

ANNAFastest speed you got.

The vendor turns a crank as Foy looks on suspiciously. The shooting gallery starts up again, this time racing along at lightning speeds. Anna makes quick work of all the targets, hitting every single one. She hands the gun back to Foy, who looks on stunned, as does everyone else.

ALBERTHoly shit.

ANNAThatll be one dollar.

Foy numbly takes out a very large old-style dollar, and hands it to Albert, who is also stunned.

CROWD There it is! / Its beautiful!

ANGLE ON a FATHER, smacking the back of his sons head.

FATHERTake your hat off, thats a dollar bill!

67.

FOY(to Albert)

Well. A man who lets his girlfriend do his shooting for him. Isnt that a fine thing.

A few people chuckle.

FOY (CONTD)(louder)

I say, isnt that a fine thing!

More people laugh harder.

ALBERTI know that you really dont think that it is.

ANNA(deadpan)

Thats telling him, Albert.

ALBERTIn an hour, Ill think of like eight comebacks.

FOY(to Louise)

I see why you dumped him.

Foy kisses Louise on the cheek. Albert has had all he can take of this.

ALBERTYou wanna back up that attitude, asshole?

FOYYoure kidding.

ALBERT(beat)

Pistols. You and me.

FOYYou wouldnt have a prayer, kiddo.

ALBERTTomorrow. 8 a.m. sharp.

FOYAll right. Challenge accepted.

68.

ANNAOoh, gosh, tomorrows bad for me and I really wanna be there-- how about two weeks from today. (pointedly) That work for you, Albert?

ALBERTYeah, sure.

FOY(beat, nods)

Two weeks. Come on Louise, Ill buy you some sugared butter shavings.

Foy pulls Anna away as they both exit. Albert exhales.

ALBERTOh fuck.

ANNAWow.

ALBERTWhat. The hell. Did I just do?

ANNAYou just challenged Foy to a gunfight.

ALBERTOh Jesus. I just fuckin snapped, I didnt even know what I was saying!

ANNAIts interesting. Did you see the look on Louises face?

ALBERTNo, what do you mean?

ANNAShe was alert. Aroused. She was impressed.

ALBERTShe was?

69.

ANNAYeah, she was. You had a fire in your belly for a second there, pal, and I bet you never showed her that side of you before.

ALBERTI dont have that side. Someone else took control of my brain just now.

ANNAWell, you definitely got her attention. You beat that guy in a gunfight, and I bet she thinks twice about dumping you.

ALBERTYeah?

ANNAYup.

ALBERTAnna, I cant be in a gunfight! What am I, Clinch Leatherwood over here? Ill get killed--

ANNA(turning to him defensively)

Why would you say that?

ALBERTWhat do you mean? Cause hes the most vicious gunfighter in the territory. Which I am not.

ANNANo, youre definitely not Clinch Leatherwood. And dont worry, that two weeks I bought you is enough time for me to teach you how to shoot.

ALBERTYeah, and thats another thing, how the hell can you shoot like that? Who the hell are you?

ANNAMy father was a gunmaker, Ive been firing guns since I could walk.

70.

(MORE)

Come on, sheepboy, youre all worked up, lets get you a drink.

They walk past the medicine show barker again.

BARKERHey, its our sweet young couple! Can I interest you folks in some Wild Root Cream Oil?

ANNAOh no, were--

Suddenly, a giant long-horn bull stampedes through frame, knocking over the bottle display and instantly and gruesomely killing the barker and dragging him O.S. Anna and Albert stare in shock for a beat, then:

ANNA (CONTD)People die at the--

ALBERT(overlapping)

People die at the fair.

INT. SALOON - DAY

As Albert and Anna enter (Plugger tags along but waits outside), We see the sheriff and deputy leaving, restraining a man in his underwear. Inside, Millie stands with Ruth, Edward, and about six other whores. They all look distraught.

ALBERTHey, whats going on? Is everything all right?

MILLIE(emotional)

One of the girls was raped.

ALBERT/ANNAOh my god! / Jesus, what happened?

MILLIEI walked in and this rancher was just riding Becky like she was some sort of show pony.

ANNA/ALBERTOh, god./Ohhhh.

71.

ANNA (CONT'D)

ALBERTSex.

MILLIEYeah.

ALBERTLike... different from normal... whorehouse sex.

ANNAI know, I was gonna ask-- did he not pay, or--

RUTHNo, she was on her lunch break, and he didnt wanna wait til she was done with her sandwich.

EDWARDIt just goes to show a woman is never really completely safe from male aggression.

RUTHI know, I mean, if a rape can happen here, then it can happen anywhere.

ALBERTYeah, I mean, probably more likely to happen here, but--is she okay?

MILLIEYeah, the doctors with her now.

ALBERTOh Jesus, Im so sorry. Uh, this is Anna by the way.

Anna and the rest ad-lib muted greetings to each other.

ALBERT (CONTD)Please let me know if theres anything I can do, I mean, we could send a card or something.

WHORE #1 You know what, if I were her, Id probably love something I could use, like milk.

ALBERTWell, yeah--

72.

ANNAWe can send milk, sure.

WHORE #1That would be so nice.

ALBERTWell send milk.

EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY

A row of tin cans sits on a rock formation. Albert points a gun at them. Anna stands beside him, watching. Plugger lounges nearby. Albert fires off several shots, and does not hit one can.

ALBERTThis is never gonna work.

ANNAYes, it will. Will you just trust me? Itll work, and Louise will be back in your arms before you know it.

ALBERT(beat)

Why are you being so nice to me? I mean, you show up outta nowhere, youre completely out of place in my world of terribleness out here. I mean, you must have a million better things to do.

ANNAWhat I cant make a new friend? When I met you, you looked like you could use one.

ALBERTI guess, I just-- really dont know anything about you.

ANNACan I ask you something about you?

ALBERTSure.

ANNAWhy do you love Louise?

73.

ALBERTI feel great when Im with her, shes classy, shes fun, shes insanely gorgeous...

ANNAShe's very pretty, yes, but honestly, and Im sorry to say this, I don't see what else she's got going for her. My impression was that shes kinda sour and self-absorbed. And for a guy with so much going for him, I would think--

ALBERTWell, lets not get hysterical.

ANNAIm not. Youre sweet, youre funny, youre not terrible on the eyes--

ALBERTNot terrible is what I shoot for.

ANNAAnd youve made something of yourself. A lot of people out here cant say that. Youre a good sheep farmer.

ALBERTOh please, I suck at sheep. Louise is right, I cant keep track of em. There was a sheep in the whorehouse last week.

ANNAThat'd make a great song title. "A Sheep in the Whorehouse."

ALBERT(laughs gamely)

But... thanks anyway. For that stuff you said.

ANNAI think you're a rare, sweet, good-hearted guy who hasn't figured out his own worth. The West sucks, yeah, but your problem isnt just the frontier. Its you. You need a little confidence boost.

74.

She brings his arm up and helps him aim the gun.

ANNA (CONTD)Now, try again, sheepboy.

ALBERTYeah that sheepboy thing isnt helping the ol confidence.

ANNAI like sheepboy.

ALBERTWhy dont you just call me fag? Get right to it.

ANNAOkay, point your gun that way, fag.

He sighs and takes aim. He fires, missing can after can... but on the very last shot, he hits one.

ANNA (CONTD)Hey! There ya go!

ALBERTHoly shit, look at that-- so all I gotta do is get Foy to let me shoot sixteen times before he shoots, and I win!

ANNA(laughs)

Youll get there, I promise.

EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY

We see a row of bottles on a fence. Anna aims the gun and calmly shoots, blowing them all off. She sets up a new row. Albert fires repeatedly, and doesnt hit one. Frustrated, he walks right up to one of the bottles, practically touches it with the barrel of his gun, and fires. He still misses. Now childishly frustrated, he spastically knocks all the bottles off with his hands.

EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY

Anna throws a plate into the air like a clay pigeon. She expertly shoots it out of the sky. Albert throws another plate into the air. He shoots at it several times. The plate falls back down, shattering in his face. He yells in pain as his nose spurts blood.

75.

INT. DOCTOR HARPERS OFFICE - DAY

Albert sits on the examining table, his nose still bleeding. Doctor Harper takes out a hammer and railroad spike. Albert shakes his head no way, and brusquely exits.

EXT. LAKE SHORE - DAY

Albert aims at a melon with a cowboy hat and a moustache that resembles Foys. Anna guides his aim, and he shoots. He hits the edge of the melon.

EXT. LAKE SHORE - LATER

Albert and Anna are eating the melon on a picnic blanket.

ALBERTSee, this is how we do it, well just eat him.

ANNAThen no onell fuck with us. Well be cannibals.

ALBERT(as Foy, wearing Foy moustache)

Stop eating my brains! I need them for new moustache ideas!

Anna laughs.

EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY

Albert shoots at the bottles. He manages to hit a couple this time.

ANNAThere ya go!

ALBERTWhat if I dont actually shoot, I just make the sound?

He pantomimes shooting, and makes dead-on gunshot sounds with his mouth as he does.

76.

EXT. ALBERTS FARM - DAY

Anna has drawn a chalk outline of a person on the side of Alberts barn. Albert shoots at the barn, and hits the target pretty well. He turns and smiles at Anna, who hugs him. After a beat, George runs out of the barn with a shotgun, and starts shooting. Albert and Anna drop to the ground. When George sees its them, he stops firing.

GEORGEGoddammit, Albert! No more friends!

EXT. PRAIRIE - LATE AFTERNOON

Anna and Albert sit together on a rock overlooking a spectacular vista.

ANNAYou did great today. So much better than last week.

ALBERTI dunno.

ANNAYou did. And I have a surprise for you. Youve earned one of Anna Barnes very special super secret cookies.

She takes a cookie out of a cloth, and takes a bite. She hands it to Albert.

ANNA (CONTD)Here.

ALBERTOh wait, is this-- is this a weed cookie?

ANNA(laughing)

Yes, its a weed cookie.

ALBERTI.. Dont do well with that stuff.

ANNAThats cause youre too uptight. Thisll help. Just have a little.

77.

ALBERTNo. One of my worst fears is that Ill accidentally O.D. on a recreational drug.

ANNACome on.

He reluctantly takes a very very small bite.

ANNA (CONTD)Oh come on, more than that.

Albert eats a normal-sized bite.

ANNA (CONTD)And now we get to wait for the sunset.

EXT. PRAIRIE - 30 MINUTES LATER

The sun is setting spectacularly. Albert looks very uneasy.

ALBERTThis is so weird. Is it supposed to be like this?

ANNA(laughing)

Yes! Oh my god, will you relax?

ALBERTI-- you gave me the right amount, right? You dont think I took too much?

ANNAJesus, Im sorry I ever even suggested it, I thought itd help you relax.

ALBERT(artificially relaxed sigh)

Its nice out here.

ANNAYeah.

ALBERTYou dont think something went wrong, right? Like Im not gonna stay this way.

78.

ANNAAlbert, youre fine, just ride it out.

ALBERTBut like, you know other people whove tried that cookie, right? And they lived?

A prairie dog pops up from a hole.

ALBERT (CONTD)Oh shit. Anna. He knows. He knows all about this.

Anna cracks up.

EXT. SHERMAN CREEK TRAIL - DAY

The sky is dark and overcast. A driving rain pours down from the sky. ANGLE ON A Wells Fargo stagecoach travelling along the muddy trail. The driver and the man riding shotgun look uneasy, as do the three well-dressed passengers (a middle-aged MALE PASSENGER, his WIFE, and their young SON) in the back. The wagon passes over a particularly wet patch, and grinds to a halt.

DRIVEROh, shit.

The driver and the shotgun guard get down and try to push the wagon out of the mud. No luck.

DRIVER (CONTD)Look, John. This holes been freshly dug.

SHOTGUN GUARD(looking around)

Thats bad news. Look sharp.

The driver opens the passenger door.

DRIVERIm sorry sir, but we need another body.

MALE PASSENGER(sighs, annoyed)

Its all right.

The three passengers get out. The mother and son stand off to the side as the three men push as hard as they can.

79.

ANGLE ON the son, who spots a lizard on the ground. He chases after it, then comes to a stop as he sees something O.S. ANGLE ON Clinch and his gang, watching atop their horses. ANGLE back on the men pushing the wagon. A shot rings out. The men back away, startled. Clinch and his gang approach. Clinch marches up to the counter, and aims his pistol at the shotgun guard.

CLINCHDrop it.

The shotgun guard angrily drops his rifle. Clinch nods to his men to search the coach. Two of them dig around, until Ben pulls an iron lockbox from under the drivers seat.

BENFound it, Clinch!

He puts it on the ground. Clinch shoots the padlock off and opens it up. Inside are bars and bars of gold bullion. ANGLE ON the driver, who slowly reaches for a hidden gun. Clinch picks up one of the bars.

CLINCHTen thousand in gold bullion. Well kindly relieve the Wells Fargo company of this heavy burden.

The driver now has his gun and is starting to raise it, when Clinch whirls around and shoots it out of his hand. The driver yelps in pain, and Clinch approaches him, backing him into the side of the coach. Clinch presses the barrel of his gun hard against the drivers throat.

CLINCH (CONTD)Im gonna give you just one warning: you try that again, and thisll happen.

Clinch shoots the driver dead. His lifeless body slumps to the floor. The wife pulls her son close to her and covers his face.

CLINCH (CONTD)Like I said-- one warning. All right, boys, lets go!

Clinch and his men gallop away.

EXT. OPEN PRAIRIE - SHORTLY AFTER

The rain has ceased. Clinch and his men come to a stop.

80.

BENHoly shit, Clinch, we did it!

The outlaws whoop and cheer, and fire their guns into the air.

CLINCHShut up! Were not gonna be stupid. Nobodys doing a goddamn thing with this haul until things cool down. Well head back to Old Stump, get Lewis and Anna and then lay low for at least a month. Understood?

The outlaws ad-lib affirmative, obedient responses.

CLINCH (CONTD)Good.

Clinch rides away, followed by his men.

EXT./ESTAB. DANCE HALL - NIGHT

INT. DANCE HALL - SAME

The barn is decorated for a frontier-town barn dance. Everyone is dressed in their best clothing. A band plays on a wooden stage. Albert and Anna enter. She wears a large, very uncomfortable-looking dress with a double bustle.

ANNAWell, thisll be fun. Its nice to put on some loose, comfortable clothes and just be able to relax, yknow?

ALBERTYes, I love formal frontier dress. How many foot undergarments are you wearing?

ANNAUm, Ive got two pairs of wool calf pantaloons, three pairs of Dutch socks, a set of foot mittens, and and a brace of government overshoes. You?

81.

ALBERTUh, Ive got four pairs of Dutch socks, one set of sealskin ankle moccasins, a duplet of Klondike heel officers, and a blanket-lined oil-cloth footcoat.

ANNAIm really comfortable.

ALBERTMe too. I like your bustle.

ANNAYeah, I love living in a culture where its a positive fashion statement to simulate a fat ass.

ALBERTIf I was a black guy, thats the meanest trick you could play on me.

ANNAI know, especially cause when you lift it up, its just a big metal cage.

Over the previous line, she lifts up the back of the dress, reveal