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A Mary Poppins Parody - Title TBD Audition Script Extracts (Sides)

Contents Constable & Bert ......................................................................................................................................... 3

Boom, Binnacle & Bert ................................................................................................................................ 4

Brill, Ellen & Katie ....................................................................................................................................... 5

Katie & Winifred (1) .................................................................................................................................... 6

Katie & Winifred (2) .................................................................................................................................... 7

George & Winifred ...................................................................................................................................... 8

Jane & Michael ........................................................................................................................................... 9

Mary, Bert & Constable ............................................................................................................................ 10

Bert & Mary .............................................................................................................................................. 11

Mary & George ......................................................................................................................................... 12

Mary, Clara, Holly & Harold ...................................................................................................................... 13

Boom, Holly & Clara .................................................................................................................................. 14

Jane, Michael & Mary ............................................................................................................................... 15

Dawes & Michael ...................................................................................................................................... 16

Dawes & George ....................................................................................................................................... 17

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BERT is a warrior angel undercover as a lively and spirited lower-class panhandling street performer. His voice switches between a cockney British dialect (BERT-B) as his undercover voice and an American dialect (BERT-A) as his angelic voice. CONSTABLE is an intervention agent angel, undercover as a police officer who patrols the park and streets. His voice switches between a proper British dialect (CONSTABLE-B) and an American dialect (CONSTABLE-A). BOOM is a warrior angel undercover as an eccentric retired naval officer. Unlike the previous angels, Admiral Boom’s character and attitude don’t change much between human and angelic dialog. BINNACLE is a warrior angel undercover as a retired navy seaman who assists Admiral Boom. Mrs. BRILL is an abrasive middle-aged cook in the Banks family home. ELLEN is a clumsy young maid in the Banks family home. KATIE Nana is a stern older woman who quits her job as nanny of the Banks children. WINIFRED Banks is a middle-aged, upper class woman. Respectful to her husband George but very active in the suffragette (women’s rights) movement. GEORGE Banks is a middle-aged, upper class man. He loves order and precision, which he gets at work but he is frustrated with chaos in his home life. JANE Banks is the young daughter of George and Winifred. She is bright-eyed and giggly. MICHAEL Banks is the young son of George and Winifred. He is “stubborn and suspicious.” MARY Poppins is an intervention agent angel, undercover as a nanny to the Banks children. Her voice switches between a proper British dialect (MARY-B) and an American dialect (MARY-A). She is loving but firm, bright and brilliant. CLARA is a guardian angel with a motherly, happy but slightly ditsy attitude. HOLLY is a guardian angel with an attitude that is fun and somewhat ditsy (more like the “fun aunt” to Clara’s “motherly”). HAROLD is an intervention agent angel who is nerdy, with a nasally voice. Mr DAWES is a very rickety old man who is the owner of the bank where George Banks works. He is energetic in his passion for money and power.

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Constable & Bert Bert has been performing in the park and it’s the Constable’s job to get rid of him. But the true purpose of their meeting is to share undercover information.

CONSTABLE-B

Move along now. Don’t be encouraging this man’s

panhandling. Move along.

BERT-B

I ain’t panhandlin’, Constable. I’m a respected musician,

artist and handyman if I do say so myself.

(Londoners exit. In American dialects. )

BERT-A

You felt it?

CONSTABLE-A

Yes, that cold wind-

BERT-A

We’ve detected significant enemy movement.

CONSTABLE-A

The agency is aware. London is under attack and the evil is

spreading.

(More Londoners enter. Back to British dialects.)

CONSTABLE-B

I won’t have you panhandling from the nice, respectable

folks while I’m on patrol.

BERT-B

I’m just sharin’ my God-given musical talents, Officer.

You can’t slight a man for wantin’ to earn a livin’ while

doin’ God’s will now, can ya?

CONSTABLE-B

Listen Mr. musician, artist and handyman, maybe you should

earn a living with the handyman part and stay out of my

park.

4

Boom, Binnacle & Bert Boom and Binnacle are preparing to file a canon that they shoot from a rooftop every hour of the day.

BOOM

Time gun ready?

BINNACLE-B

Ready and charged, sir.

BOOM

(Checking his pocket watch)

Six minutes on the dot.

BINNACLE-B

Aye aye, sir.

BERT-B

(Yelling up to the rooftop)

Good’ay to ya, Admiral Boom.

BOOM

Good day to you, young man!

BERT-B

How’s the weather on the horizon, Admiral?

BOOM

A word of advice, young man. A bit of heavy weather

brewing. Storm signals are up at number seventeen!

5

Brill, Ellen & Katie Katie is attempting to leave with suitcase in hand while Ellen stands in her way.

BRILL

I say good riddance! I never liked her from the moment she

set foot in the door.

ELLEN

But who gets stuck with the children with no nanny in the

‘ouse? Me! That’s who.

KATIE

Indeed, Mrs. Brill! I wouldn’t stay in this house another

minute.

ELLEN

No, please, Katie Nana, don’t go.

KATIE

Those little beasts have run away from me for the last

time.

ELLEN

They must be somewhere. You can’t leave them lost out

there! Did you look around the park and the zoo?

KATIE

I couldn’t care in the least where they are. I’m done with

this house forever.

BRILL

Well hip, hip hurray. Don’t stumble on the way out,

dearie.

ELLEN

What about the lion’s cage, you know how much they like the

lion. You don’t suppose they’ve been eaten, do you?

6

Katie & Winifred (1) Winifred has just returned from an exciting suffragette (women’s rights) meeting and public protest.

KATIE

Mrs. Banks, I must speak with you immediately.

WINIFRED

Oh Katie Nana, you should have been at our meeting! Mrs.

Whitburn Allen chained herself to the wheel of the Prime

Minister’s carriage and Mrs. Ainsley, she was carried off

to prison, singing all the way! It was glorious!

KATIE

Mrs. Banks, you know I always give the best that’s in me-

WINIFRED

Oh thank you, Katie Nana, I always knew you were one of us.

KATIE

Yes, but Mrs. Banks-

WINIFRED

We’re soldiers for women’s votes. Of course we adore men

individually, but as a group you must agree...they’re

rather stupid!

KATIE

Mrs. Banks, please!

WINIFRED

Equal rights with men, Katie Nana. Ellen, Mrs. Brill, we

must continue our brave crusade! Our daughters, daughters

will adore us, sister suffragettes!

KATIE

Mrs. Banks, if I might have a word-

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Katie & Winifred (2) Katie Nana is frustrated and quitting her job as nanny. Winifred is concerned and desperate.

WINIFRED

Katie Nana, where are the children?

KATIE

To be precise, madam, they have disappeared again.

WINIFRED

This is really too careless of you. Doesn’t it make the

third time this week?

KATIE

The fourth, madam. I’m not one to speak ill of the

children-

WINIFRED

When do you expect them home?

KATIE

I really couldn’t say, now if you would be good enough to

compute my wages.

WINIFRED

Good gracious, Katie Nana, you’re not leaving! What would

Mr.Banks say? He’s going to be cross enough as it is to

come home and find the children missing. Katie Nana, I

beseech you. Think of the children. Think of Mr. Banks.

He was just beginning to get used to you.

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George & Winifred George has returned home from work to find the children have run away.

GEORGE

Good evening, Winifred. What a lovely day it has been

today. Credit rates are moving up, up, up and the British

pound is the admiration of the world.

WINIFRED

George, dear, the children-

GEORGE

Yes, yes dear. You know, Winifred, I feel a deep sense of

satisfaction; I am a man of influence in the world of

finance and the lord of my castle when I return home every

evening. How pleasant is the life I lead!

(pause)

Winifred, where are the children?

WINIFRED

They’re missing.

GEORGE

Missing?! What do you mean they’re missing?

WINIFRED

Katie Nana has looked everywhere for them. The facts of

matter-

GEORGE

Kindly do not attempt to cloud the issue with facts. One

fact and one fact alone is crystal clear. Katie Nana has

forfeited the post. She’s let the family down and I shall

bring her to...

(pauses and looks toward the door)

Oh... she’s left us. Hasn’t she?

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Jane & Michael Runaway children were sent to their room. Now they are apologizing to their father and excited to share their ideas for finding a new nanny.

JANE

I’m sorry we lost Katie Nana, Father.

MICHAEL

You see, it was breezy-

JANE

And the kite was too strong for us. Actually, it wasn’t a

very good kite. We made it ourselves.

MICHAEL

Perhaps if you would help us to make one.

JANE

It was wrong to run away from Katie Nana. And we do so want

to get on with a new nanny. That’s why we wrote this

advertisement!

MICHAEL

Wanted… A Nanny for two adorable children. If you want

this choice position, have a cheery disposition,

JANE

Rosy cheeks, no warts-

MICHAEL

That’s the part I put in.

JANE

Play games, all sorts. You must be kind too, must be witty,

very sweet and fairly pretty. Take us on outings give us

treats. Sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel;

never give us castor oil or gruel. Love us as a son and

daughter, and never smell of barley water.

MICHAEL

I put that in too.

JANE

If you won’t scold and dominate us, we will never give you

cause to hate us. We won’t hide your spectacles so you

can’t see, put toads in your bed, or pepper in your tea.

Hurry nanny. Many thanks. Sincerely, JANE and MICHAEL

BANKS

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Mary, Bert & Constable Mary is being given her undercover assignment from Bert and Constable. Constable has a large ugly purse-like bag that is full of intervention agent surveillance equipment.

MARY-A

What is that hideous thing?

CONSTABLE-A

What do you mean? I thought it would work well with your

disguise.

MARY-A

Am I supposed to be a homeless vagabond?

BERT-A

I told you she wouldn’t like it.

CONSTABLE-A

Well, I just thought-

MARY-A

And what in the Lord’s Holy name is it made of?

CONSTABLE-A

Well... it’s uhm...

BERT-A

Go ahead. Tell her what it’s made of.

CONSTABLE-A

Carpet.

MARY-A

You made an oversized purse out of a section of carpet?!

What possessed you to do such a thing?

CONSTABLE-A

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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Bert & Mary Bert is testing his undercover earpiece communications system with Mary’s earpiece. Mary is slightly flirtatious in response with her old friend.

BERT-A

(Puts two fingers over his own ear.)

Test, test, one two. Do you read me, Mary?

MARY-A

(Slightly flirtatious.)

I read you loud and clear, Bert.

BERT-A

(Concern)

You know you’re going into enemy territory, Mary. We’re

counting on you to get inside and get the equipment

installed.

MARY-A

I’ll get it done. It’s good to be working with you again,

Bert.

BERT-A

I sure have missed you, Mary.

MARY-A

(Smiling)

Let’s go, soldier. We have demons to track down and

destroy!

12

Mary & George Mary is at her job interview with George. She is reading from the children’s advertisement for a nanny but George had torn that advertisement up and is confused by the miracle of its existence.

MARY-B

(Reading from the piece of paper)

Now then. The qualifications. Item 1, a cheery

disposition. I am never cross. Item 2, rosy cheeks.

Obviously. Item 3, play games, all sorts. Well I’m sure the

children will find my games extremely diverting.

GEORGE

This paper, where did you get it from? I thought I tore it

up.

MARY-B

Item 4, you must be kind. I am kind but extremely firm.

GEORGE

That paper you see...I thought I-

MARY-B

You are George Banks, are you not? And you did advertise

for a nanny, did you not?

GEORGE

George Banks.

MARY-B

I shall require every second Tuesday off.

GEORGE

Every Tuesday.

MARY-B

On second thought I believe a trial period would be wise.

I’ll give you one week. I’ll know by then. I’ll see the

children now. Thank you.

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Mary, Clara, Holly & Harold Three angles are meeting Mary for the first time.

MARY-A

Ladies, it’s very nice to make your acquaintance.

CLARA

Oh, the pleasure is all ours.

HOLLY

Clara and I were just talking about how we’ve never worked

with real intervention agents before. It’s very exciting!

MARY-A

But you have both worked undercover before.

HOLLY

Yes, in a manner of speaking.

CLARA

Oh, yes, certainly.

MARY-A

(Reaching to shake HAROLD’s hand)

I don’t believe we’ve ever worked together.

HAROLD

No, I don’t think so. But you look familiar. Where you on

the McPhee assignments?

MARY-A

Yes, that’s very astute of you, Harold. I sometimes work

undercover as Nanny McPhee.

HAROLD

(Overly excited)

Oh my goodness! I’m such a fan of your work! I’ve read all

of the case studies.

MARY-A

Thank you.

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Boom, Holly & Clara Guardian angels are at a meeting with BOOM, the military commander, to receive information and instructions about their assignments.

BOOM

At ease soldiers, there’s no need for military formality

here. Angels, I’m going to cut to the chase. We are facing

a very serious war.

HOLLY

Begging your pardon, Admiral, but we’ve been at war with

the demonic realm ever since Lucifer’s fall.

BOOM

I’m referring to a human war, not spiritual warfare.

CLARA

Oh well, humans are always starting their silly little

wars.

BOOM

Yes, Clara, but the demonic activity is much bigger this

time. We’ve been monitoring enemy movements for quite some

time and, as you all know, their secularism efforts have

been gaining slow but steady ground in a few areas. But in

the last few months we have seen a dramatic increase in the

enemy’s negative energy patters worldwide. They have been

on a steady increase in virtually every country of planet

earth.

15

Jane, Michael & Mary Jane and Michael had an exciting day full of adventure and they are falling in love with their new nanny, Mary. Mary has her typically firm, but loving attitude toward the children.

JANE

Mary Poppins, you won't ever leave us, will you?

MICHAEL

Will you stay if we promise to be good?

MARY-B

That's a piecrust promise. Easily made, easily broken.

JANE

Whatever would we do without you?

MARY-B

I shall stay until the wind changes.

MICHAEL

But, Mary Poppins, how long will that be?

MARY-B

Silence, please. It's time to go to sleep.

JANE

Oh, we couldn't possibly go to sleep! So many lovely things

have happened today.

MARY-B

Did they?

JANE

Yes! When we jumped into Bert's chalk picture.

MICHAEL

And we rode the merry-go-round, and all the horses jumped

off, and you won the horse race!

MARY-B

A respectable person like me in a horse race? How dare you

suggest such a thing.

16

Dawes & Michael Michael has come to visit his father’s workplace and has money (tuppance). His father wants him to learn about investing but he just wants to spend his money. DAWES hears about it and greedily takes the tuppance.

DAWES

Tuppence? Tuppence? Precisely how I started. We can al-

always use, al-always use more money to, to put to work for

the bank, can't we, boy? So, you have tuppence? May I be

permitted to see it?

MICHAEL

No. I want it to feed the birds!

DAWES

Fiddlesticks, boy! Feed the birds and what have you got?

Fat birds! While stand the banks of England, England

stands. When fall the banks of England, England falls!

(taking the money from MICHAEL)

Welcome to our joyful family of investors.

MICHAEL

Give it back! Gimme back my money!

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Dawes & George Michael’s refusal to give up his money at the bank caused a panic. Mr. Dawes is angry and ready to fire George but George uses a special word to change the situation and the mood of the scene.

DAWES

There has not been a run on this bank until today! A run,

sir, caused by the disgraceful conduct of your son. Do you

deny it?

GEORGE

I do not deny it, sir. And I shall be only too glad to

assume responsibility for my son.

DAWES

Well, do you have anything to say, Banks?

GEORGE

Well, sir, they do say that when there's nothing to say,

all you can say I-

DAWES

Confound it, Banks! I said, do you have anything to say?

GEORGE

Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious.

DAWES

What?

GEORGE

Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious. Mary Poppins was

right. It's extraordinary. It does make you

feel better!

DAWES

What are you talking about, man? There's no such word.

GEORGE

Oh, yes. It is a word. A perfectly good word, actually. Do

you know what there's no such thing as? It turns out, with

due respect, when all is said and done, that there's no

such thing as you!