A Good Working Definition of “Conflict”?

•Conflict means perceived divergence of interest, or a belief that the parties' current aspirations cannot be achieved simultaneously. (Pruitt and Rubin)

•Conflict is a struggle between opponents over values and claims to scarce status, power and resources. (Coser)

•A social conflict arises when two or more persons or groups manifest the belief that they have incompatible objectives. (Kriesberg)

Pieces of a conflict

• Participants / stakeholders

• Duration / History

• Context

• Allies and enemies

Time and Intensity

Unit of Analysis

• •Interpersonal

• Inter-Group (racial, ethnic, labor/management)

• Organizational (within organizations, across bureaucracies)

• Public Policy (environment, social policy, immigration)

• International and intra-national

How Do Decide Conflict Approach

• assumptions about the underlying roots/bases of the conflict being confronted

• beliefs about the kinds of actions that bring about the transformation of the conflict

All theories of conflict and conflict transformation are subjective. Accordingly, different individuals looking at the same conflict may hold contrasting and perhaps even contradictory theories of what the conflict ‘is about, how to transform it, and what constitute success.

Four Perspectives on the Source of Social Conflicts

• Structural Approaches

• Cognitive Approaches

• Interest-based Approaches

• Emotional Approaches

Conditions for resolving conflict

• Opportunity: Costs, pause, developments

• Capacity: Interpersonal skills, time

• Volition (will): Cost, tired, losing

Definitions of framing

• Tools of analysis• Lens through which we filter information to make

sense of the word (Carstedt quote, p. 10)– Maps, windows, mind-sets, schema, cognitive lenses,

orientations, filters, prisms, perspectives (bias?)

• The process by which a communication source defines and constructs a puplic issue

Why frame• Helps us deal with complexity

– “Cognitive Misers”– “A good frame makes it easier to know what you are

up against, and what you can do about it.”– Gladwell’s “Blick” process (Bolman, p. 11)– Chess

• To frame arguments so that:– They are constructive– We can gain allies within the cultural context– We can win

• To explore new ways of looking at a problem

Successful Framing

• E- Experiential• C – Culturally Resonant• M – Morally Urgent• D- Diagnosis • Successful frame analysis – reframe,

multiframehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm8Nt77C-u4&feature=related

Problems with framing

• Anchoring – holding on to the wrong diagnostic tool

• Theory becomes theology

• Black swan (Taleb)

Bolman and Deal’s Frames

• Structural – orgs as factories, monitoring, performance measurement

• Human resource – orgs as family, trust/don’t trust, building capacity, round pegs for round holes

• Political – orgs as arenas for competition, needs fulfillment

• Symbolic – temples and carnivals, symbols, “vision”

Some clips

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y -- Python

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pri-46jmoxE – winning without being right

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liKm3r7-uc0 – legalize

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9ho-ktAN9c – mosque

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sDT0ZPDqgs - Fracking

More clips

• Cosby argument -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDw6uGcSmQs

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVrmufXxAfI&feature=related – Cosby mom/daughter

NWS Public hearing

• Article on abducted 8-year-old passed out • No ground rules or agenda• “More secure than online banking”• Suits not uniforms• It’s about making you safe• It’s about collaboration and trust• It’s about money defining policy• Pat’s wooden Boys and Girls Club member card

Politics is a struggle over “naming, framing, and blaming”

• “Illegal immigration is a scourge that threatens the very future of our nation”Tom Tancredo, Member of the House of Representatives

• Republican immigration reforms "would literally criminalize the Good Samaritan and probably even Jesus himself."Hillary Clinton, Member of the US Senate

I take open-mindedness to be a willingness to construe knowledge and values from multiple perspectives without loss of commitment to one’s own values. Open-mindedness is the keystone of what we call a democratic culture.-Jerome Bruner

A “Wise Agreement”

• Meets the legitimate interests of the parties

• Resolves conflicting interests

• Efficient

• Durable

• Improve (or not damage) relationship

Benefits of Positions

• Communicates information

• Anchor in stressful, dynamic situations

• Can eventually lead to compromise positions

Problems with positions

• Get locked in. • Loss track of what really matters• Ego, saving face, agreement becomes less likely• If agreement happens, its likely involve

“mechanical splitting of differences.”• Inefficient• Battle of wills, takes toll on relationships• Problem with “soft” positional bargaining: O

Henry story of hair and watch / hard vs. soft

“Principled” or Interest-Based Negotiation

• Step 1: Separate the people from the problem

• Step 2: Focus on interests, not positions

• Step 3: Brainstorm. Generate a variety of possibilities before settling on a solution

• Step 4: Insist on objective criteria

Step One: Separate People from Problem

• Hard on problem, soft on people

• Participants are problem solvers

• Proceed absence of trust

Step 2: Focus on Interests

• Explore interests

• Avoid having a bottomline

Step 3: Invent multiple options

• Open brainstorm

• Options are not commitments

• Decide later

Insist on Using Objective Criteria

• Try to reach results based on objective standards

• Be open to reason. Yield to reason, not pressure

What if they are more powerful?

• Make the most of the assets you do have

• Don’t agree to something you should not agree to

• We negotiate to get a better result than we would otherwise get

BATNA

• Best Alternative to a negotiated agreement

• Also WATNA (Worst) MATNA (most likely)

• Trip wire vs bottom line?

Strengthen your BATNA

• Higher BATNA, higher Power• Information!• What actions would you take if no agreement is

reached?• Which of those options seems best? Develop it.

Don’t take all the options in aggregate. • Know the other sides BATNA• Can you both have better BATNAs than a

negotiated agreement?• Create space for principled negotiation• Find allies, seek advice, reframe the issue

Clips

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYGJNh8wFRc&feature=related – negotiation

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iZ5cftT1Mg&feature=related - listening

Reflective Listening

• Really hearing and understanding what the other person is communicating through words and body language.

• Reflecting (saying to the other) succinctly the thoughts and feelings you heard through your own words, tone of voice, body posture, and gestures so that the other knows he or she has been heard and understood.

• Neil Katz, Communication and Conflict Resoution Skills

RL Skill Set

• Attending Skills– Posture: Relaxed and at ease but attentive, open not

closed– Physical contact: Eye contact, distance, touching(?)– Gestures: Both positive (heart felt) and negative

(fidgeting, looking at phone)– Interested silence: Active and attentive– Selecting the appropriate environment: Private,

remove barriers, free of distractions.

• Katz

Skill set cont.

• Responding skills -- the skill of reflecting or expressing to the other the essence of the content, feelings and meanings you hear as well as summarizing larger segments of what is said.

• Also, acknowledgement responses: I see, go on, wow, oh my, tell me more, got it, how about that!, etc.

• Chunk down: Listen and reflect back in manageable bits

Processes and key phrases

• Initiating the conversation “door openers”: you seem troubled; I think that went well, how about you?; Want to talk?; Let’s talk; Let’s grab a cup of coffee– Observe, reflect what you see, attentively listen waiting for other

to talk, listen and reflect.

• When you are confident you understand the person:– From your point of view; It seems to you; In your experience; As

you see it; You believe

• When you are less confident you understand– Am I hearing you correctly…, It seems like…, What I think I am

hearing is…

When Reflective Listen

• When someone is experiencing difficulty

• Problem solving and conflict management

• To create a climate of warmth and understanding

• Leading group discussions or conversations

• Clarifying directions

Why reflective listen

• Let’s the other person realize he or she has been heard• Gives the other person feedback on how they’ve come

across• Let’s you check accuracy, avoids allusion of

understanding• Prevents mental vacations• Helps the other focus on themselves, vent, sort out

issues, discharge and express feelings, and deal more effectively with emotion

• All the other to move to deeper levels of expression• It helps the other arrive at a solution to his/her own

problem• It helps you (the listener) deal with the problem that the

other has raised.

When not to reflective listen

• When the other person has been heard

• When it is time for you to be heard and assert

Pitfalls

• Sending solutions– Ordering– Threatening– Moralizing– Advising– Judging– Sugar coating (false praise, cliches)

• You’ll feel better tomorrow. Things will get better. Things happen for a reason.

Clips• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwqpd_XGzQM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENkwUBPhMJw&feature=related -- british guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAp9n3yBjyo&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQxJmiTQV0c&feature=related -- british back and forth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO68uTk-T_E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsLRG4obIr4&feature=related-- red flag

Problem Solving Assertion, Coming to Agreement, Saying no

• Mayo Clinic article on creative problem solving: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-management/SR00040

• “A problem is the discrepancy between your current state and your desired future state.” (Katz, 1995, p. 49)

1. Define problem in terms of desired state (results, needs)2. Identify options for solution. Clarify options that seem ambiguous.

Develop options that have the most potential. 3. Evaluate alternatives (including doing nothing)4. Decide on an acceptable solution (one option or a combo/hybrid

option)5. Develop an action (implementation plan)6. Include a process of evaluation7. Talk about the experience of problem solving.

Saying No

• Mayo Clinic article on benefits of saying no: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-relief/SR00039 (contrast to: http://www.onlineorganizing.com/ExpertAdviceToolboxTips.asp?tipsheet=16)

• Also: http://www.womensmedia.com/balance/93-how-to-say-no.html, http://zenhabits.net/how-to-say-no-and-stay-friends/ ; http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Respectfully

Assertion

• “The skills of reflective listening and problem solving enable you to be present to other people and help them in situations of strong emotion. Assertion invites you to be present for yourself and to help you deal with your strong emotion. Assertion is essentially expressing yourself to stand up for your own human rights without infringing on the human rights of others.” (Katz, 1995, p. 57)

Assertion Cont.

• Listening is a following posture; Assertion is a leading, initiating posture. – Katz

• Refer to diagram, page 60. • Tips

1. Modify yourself (quiet yourself, focus on problem not people)2. Formulate and state your message

• What’s wrong with the other behavior? • What’s “the problem”? • Describe the offending behavior accurately. Don’t exaggerate. • Describe the pattern and any violated previous agreements. Avoid

inflammatory words. • Avoid generalizations or sterotypes. Be specific and avoid

adverbs and adjectives. Avoid victim words.• Specify the right behavior.

Coming to Agreement

• Review creative problem and interest-based processes, look at http://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/onlinetraining/resolution/step8.htm

Difficult ConversationsStone, Patton, Heen

• Sort out the three conversations1. The what happened conversation

2. The feelings conversation

3. The identity conversation

What happened• Truth

– Are you really right? What about specifically? Does it really matter?– Not about what is true, but rather what is important– Are you fighting about right and wrong, or interpretations and

judgments?– Therefore, offer your views in that spirit

• Intentions – Don’t assume (reporter sayings)

• Blame– Distracts us from talking about what went wrong and how to move

forward• People disagree, and arguing about it rarely helps.

– We each make sense of our own story and are visitors in other people’s stories (Relation to framing / Rory and Aunt Bertha, p 29.)

– Arguing about who is right gets in the way of us hearing each others stories.

– It inhibits change• Seek to understand, not change

Why we see the worldly differently

• Different information– We choose information differently. Even if at the same event,

we’ll notice different things based on our likes and dislikes– We have access to different information.

• No one knows us like ourselves

• We interpret the information we have differently– Past experiences– Implicit rules– Different frames, different filters

• Our conclusions about the world reflect our self interest– Harvard biz school experiment

Certainty to Curiosity• Instead of “how can they think that”

– What info do they have that I don’t?– How are the perceiving the world?

• So as to explain their point of view– “Negotiates herself to a place of curiosity” (Tony and Keiko, p.

37)• What’s your story?

– Deconstruct your own frame– What are your implicit rules?

• The And Stance– Embrace both stories– The world is complex; multiple versions of the same story can be

“true”• What if I really am right?• Breaking up is hard to do, p 42

Feelings conversation: What to do about our emotions

• Instinct is to ignore• But what if, as they often are, at the heart of the

conversation?• Don’t assume they meant it. Disentangle intent from

impact. Hold your assumption as a hypothesis. Jahari’s Window.

• Why are assumptions are often wrong– We infer them from impact– We assume the worst– Written/electronic communications

• We treat ourselves more charitably than we treat others

Good intentions do not sanitize bad impact.

• Just because you didn’t mean it to hurt doesn’t mean it didn’t, doesn’t mean there aren’t feelings that that need to be dealt with.

• Your honestly maybe overstated (Leo and Lori, p. 51). Human emotions are complex.– “He is sending the message that he is more

interested in defending himself than I am in investigating the complexities of what is happening in our relationship.”

Tips

• Listen past the accusation for the feeling1. Listen first

2. Focus and acknowledge their feelings

3. Then turn to intentions

• Be open to reflecting on the intensity of your intentions

Avoiding blame

• Inhibits our ability to learn what is really causing the problem

• Distinguish blame from contribution– Blame judges and looks backward– Contribution is about understanding and correcting

• How you contribute– Avoid– Being unapproachable– Intersections– Role assumptions

• Misperceptions– Blaming the victim?

Gaining perspective

• How would they say I contributed?

• What would a third-party say?

The feeling conversation

• Framing the emotions out of the convesation

• Unexpressed feelings– Can leak into the conversation– Can burst into the conversation– Can make listening difficult– Take a toll on our self-esteme

Out of feelings bind

• Explore your emotional footprint• Accept feelings as normal and natural• Good people can have bad feelings• Your feelings are as important as theirs• Find the bundle behind the label (p. 96)• Find the emotion behind attributions, judgments and

accusations– Use the urge to blame as a clue to find important emotions

• Negotiate with your feelings• Don’t vent. Describe carefully.

– Frame back in, express full spectrum, don’t evaluate (just share), don’t monopolize, acknowledge their feelings

The Identity Conversation

• Inward looking• Who are we?

– Am I competent, am I a good person, am I worthy of love?

• Who do we think we are?• What does this conflict say about us?• Keeping your balance

– Objective, third person, strategic, honest, ego– Manager: They already hate you– Professional: This is my job

• Pp 18-19 chart on learning conversations

All or nothing syndrome/Becoming grounded

• Good/evil, competent/incompetent• Denial/exaggeration

– Making too much or too little of feedback• Getting grounded

– Become aware of your ID issues– Complexify

• You will make mistakes• Your intentions are complex• You have contributed to the problem (and so has the other

person)

• Don’t try to control their reaction, prepare for their response, take a break, look into the future

Clips

• Human Rights Campaign on Talking to Farrakhan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPIx5f5ev9E

• Heen and Stone on Dieting -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f174AaBlb3w&feature=related

• Learning organizations -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUP4WcfNyAA&feature=related