46

4

Therapy

They diagnose autism as early as eighteen months now. Theres a test. The general wisdom is that earlier intervention is essential to help a child realise its full potential.

In the early nineties, when Tim was diagnosed, the presenta-tion of autism was about 1 in 10,000. Today they say its roughly 1 in 70, depending on your definition. To me, it sounds like everyone is going to develop autism by Christmas, which seems unlikely. But anyway, its common now. It was rare back then, and a mystery to me.

I spent a day on the couch feeling sorry for myself, totally overwhelmed by what had happened. Overnight, the life I had dreamed for Timmy had disappeared and there was an unknown, frightening future ahead. Timmy would never grow into the kind of person I hoped he could be, who could enjoy all the

Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 46Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 46 15/04/15 10:46 AM15/04/15 10:46 AM

47

A Double Shot of Happiness

wonderful things the world had to offer. He was never going to be the son I thought I would have. Iwould never be able to communicate or connect with him, and his life would be one of isolation and misery. My body ached like I had been bashed from head to toe. My heart was so empty, Icouldnt evencry.

Somehow the boys seemed to sense that I was beaten; they didnt make one demand that day. Their father went off to work and we went outside to sit on the pergola, Sam on my lap, Tim leaning against me, and Razor the dog at my feet. Ithought of my own personal pain and I grieved for the child I had lost. Iwas scared. Idoubted that I was strong enough or smart enough to give my son what he needed. Then I looked down at little Timmy, felt his soft blond hair and put my hand on his perfect smooth skin, and my heart broke all over again. He did not deserve the life that had been described to me. It was so unfair, so cruel. It was for him that I was saddest.

The more I looked at him, the more confused I feltan angry, unwilling confusion. The things the psychologist had saidthe finality of it, the hopelessnessthey didnt make sense to me. Iknew Timmy could learn because he already had, he was already changing. He could walk, he could feed himself, he could identify objects. He wasnt cut off from the world, he was interested in things; he was just interested in different things to other children. He wasnt isolated, he loved his brother, and he had a wonderful personality when you got to know him. Iknew he loved me, Iknew he did. When Id buckled him into his car

Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 47Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 47 15/04/15 10:46 AM15/04/15 10:46 AM

48

JUDY SHARP

seat outside the psychologists office, beside myself with grief, Timmy had reached out his little hand and wiped away mytears.

As the day wore on, Ifelt some resolve building. Iwould do anything and everything for my son. Ididnt accept what the psychologist had told me. There had to be something I coulddo.

.On that first day of the diagnosis, in a state of pure panic and devastation, Ihad gone straight over to visit my neighbour Alison. She was the only person I could turn to and I was desperate for some advice.

What is autism? she askedme.I shrugged, bewildered, and said, Idont know.Well I think youd better findout.On day two I took Sam and Timmy to the library. Isettled

the boys as best I could and headed for the card filesthere was no computer directory, just drawers full of subjects and authors in alphabetical order. Iwent straight for the As, and looked for autism. There was nothing in thefile.

A librarian noticed me rushing between the stacks, checking on the boys and looking hopelessly at the shelves, and very kindly offered to help. Itold her I was looking for information about autism and she asked me how to spellit.

We found one book, amedical dictionary that listed every disease and disorder with a very brief description. Autism, it read, from the Latin, meaning within ones self . As short as it was, the entry seemed to confirm everything that the psychologist had

Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 48Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 48 15/04/15 10:46 AM15/04/15 10:46 AM

49

A Double Shot of Happiness

said. The disorder meant Tim was isolated, that he was locked away from the world within himself. It would be my job to find him and bring himout.

.Timmy made sounds, from morning to night. He made a repetitive moaning noise, which changed in pitch if he was upset. If the tone climbed higher or dropped, I knew trouble was coming. To me, this meant that Timmy had a voice. He was using sound to communicate, so I knew he could speak. Iwas convinced that he needed speech therapy and Id do whatever it took to get it. Iwanted to forget the psychologist and focus on getting somehelp.

Sam had a paediatrician named David Moore and he was a wonderful man, very gentle and warm. I had a lot of faith in him. He had taken very good care of Sam after we had left the hospital and our regular check-ups with him were always reassuring because he was so thorough. Thankfully, Sam was showing no sign of any of the issues that a preterm birth could cause, such as sight problems. He was going ahead in leaps andbounds.

I called the clinic to arrange an appointment with Dr Moore and at the same time called the childrens hospital to make an appointment there. Iwould reach out in any direction until I could grab hold of something.

Dr Moore was a measured man; he went to great lengths to calm and reassure me. He said it would take some time of

Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 49Bh2529M-PressProofs.indd 49 15/04/15 10:46 AM15/04/15 10:46 AM