ACTIVE LISTENING

ATTENDING

What does it mean to attend to someone’s communication?

Orienting oneself physically to the person

The person has your undivided attention

Eye contact, nods, encouraging verbalizations, mirroring body posture, leaning forward

80% communication happens non verbally

Kevin J. Drab, M.Ed., M.A., LPC, CAC Diplomate

LISTENING

Capturing and understanding both the verbal and non verbal information communicated by the student

Watch the following video.

What emotions and concerns if the student displaying

Listen to the student’s voice, tone, look at posturer

What is the advisor doing in order to “listen” to the student and assure the student that they are listening?

Kevin J. Drab, M.Ed., M.A., LPC, CAC Diplomate

TWO PRIMARY SOURCES OF INFORMATION

Content

What is specifically said, listen for words, expressions and patterns the person is using

Process

None verbal's, themes, body language, interactions

What did you see in our video?

National Aging I & R Support Center, Washington, DC

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

Restating: paraphrasing “let me see if I am understanding . . .”

Summarizing: Bring together pieces of the problem to check for understanding

Minimal Encouragers; Brief prompts to keep the conversation going “Umm”, “Wow” “And?”

Reflection: Reflect the students feelings “It sounds as if you are really sad, confused, happy”

Validation: Listen openly with empathy. “ I appreciate your willingness to share with me this information, it must be hard.”

“I messages” Focus on the problem not the person.

Show warmth and support-smile when appropriate, avoid being cold or abrupt

Admit it when you are lost: Clarify anything you don’t understand and that you are going to find out where they can find answers.

National Aging I & R Support Center, Washington, DC

CARLA

Carla is a 26 year old freshmen. Due to family circumstances she had to leave high school prior to graduation and work. She has now earned her GED, while working in the family business and has now entered college. Her dream is to teach business and help students graduate and earn a better living than she has. She did well for her first two semesters but then failed several of her classes for her third term. She is very afraid she will lose her scholarship. Carla’s father became very ill and was unable to work, she began to take her father’s place in his business often working upwards of 80 hours per week while in school. The family business was saved by her sacrifice, but her father is still not well. Carla wants her degree more than anything but has a strong desire to assist her family. Her three younger brothers also work in the family business and all are depending on her and the business for support for themselves and their own families.

DENIS

Denis is a genius on the field. He is an excellent ball player. He has also performed well in class. He is a year away from graduation. However, Denis has not been picked up by any major or minor teams and realizes he will have to work in his academic major. Denis has lived, slept and eaten playing ball. His last two semesters have suffered as he tried out for different professional teams. He travels a lot and often missed classes and homework assignments. He reports that this was all wasted time. He now finds himself permanently benched and on academic probation. Denis also confides that he has struggled with math on and off and has three classes left to take that are math heavy. He is afraid of the classes and wonders what his future has for him. Denis says his family was counting on him to be successful and now he feels he is a failure in everything.

BEVERLY

Beverly is a sophomore majoring in English writing. Her desire is be another JK Rowling. She spends a lot of time reading and creating stories. She tells you that she has already written five novels and is waiting for the “right time” to share them with a publisher. Unfortunatly, she has struggled since coming to college to keep up with her assigned homework. She admits that she finds her classes boring, that she has to write academic rather than fun and interesting stories. She works about 30 hours a week, in a variety of jobs. She says she needs money to fund herself through school. She also enjoys a social life around the grocery store she works at. She has also accepted a campus job, assisting student play directors in the Theater Department. She said it pays well and the 15 plus hours she will work will add to her social life and be great experience for the novels she is writing. Beverly also provides around 10 hours per week to a couple of agencies who support battered and neglected children. Currently, she has failed three out of five semesters and is facing academic suspension.

CONCRETENESSWhy is this skill importantJulie E. Preece, Ph.D. From: Counseling Skills Workbook for Educational Psychology By Richard Heaps, 2010

WHAT IS CONCRETENESS

Asking for clarification Be more specific Invitation to be less vague

TWO BASIC WAYS

1. Ask for clarification and repeat the generality

Help me understand what you mean by . . .

What do you mean when you say . . .

What does he or she do that . . .

Repeat the generality as a question

You are struggling with things?

You have a lot going on?

EXAMPLES

I have got so much stuff going on that I am finding it hard to carve out time to study

Your response:

Seriously, my professor bugs me to death

Your response:

My roommate is driving me crazy he/she is always in my face

Your response:

EXAMPLES

Yeh, my classes are going ok I guess

Your response:

Everything is going fine in my Econ class

Your response:

My family are having some issues right now so I have to help them sometimes

Your response:

I did alright on my midterms

Your response:

CONFRONTATION: WHAT COMES TO MIND?

Julie E. Preece, Ph.D. From: Counseling Skills Workbook for Educational Psychology By Richard Heaps, 2010

WHAT IT REALLY IS. . .

CONFRONTATION

When people are emotionally involved in their problems they are often unaware of the inconsistences in their behaviors, feelings, or reasoning. Peer Coaches bring inconsistences to their client’s attention in a caring and nonthreatening way.

The process of listening for and pointing out inconsistences is called confrontation-should be used cautiously, if at all, in the early stages of a relationship

Listening is the first essential component of confrontation

Second step is pointing out the discrepancies in a manner which leaves the client non-defensive

Confrontation should be used cautiously at the beginning of a relationship

CONFRONTATION-CHECK OUT

Words vs. Behavior: What the student says and what he/she does

Goals vs. Behavior: Discrepancies between the students expressed goals and current attitudes, motivation and behavior

Student’s Perception vs. Peer Coaches Perception: Statements which contradict your perceptions. For example you may see the student as articulate and bright but he/she may see self as tong tied and stupid

Student’s Perception vs. Reality: Misperceptions i.e. “I do nothing but study-that’s all I do,” when handing you a time sheet showing he/she studied 7 hours last week

CONFRONTATION

The format for the confrontation response contains the contradiction in the form of a dichotomy:

“On the one hand first half of the contradiction, but on the other hand, you second half of the contradiction.”

Do NOT continue talking after you have made a confrontative response.

EMPATHY: I FEEL YOUR PAIN

Julie E. Preece, Ph.D. From: Counseling Skills Workbook for Educational Psychology By Richard Heaps, 2010

EMPATHY

What is empathy?

Why would a Peer Coach need to practice empathy?

How does active listening

Paraphrasing

Minimal Encouragers figure into an empathetic response?

EMPATHY: WHY EMPATHY?

An empathetic Peer Coach is sensitive to a student’s feelings and communicates this to the student. Students feel accepted and understood (we hope).

An empathetic peer coach notices the student's nonverbal behavior such as posture and facial expression because they are clues to how the student is really feeling.

MINIMAL ENCOURAGERS

Use brief positive prompts to keep the conversation going and show you are listening. For example “umm-humm, Oh Ok, Then? And”

EMPATHY AND PARAPHRASING

An empathetic Peer Coach paraphrases the student’s thoughts and feelings out loud so the student will feel understood and accepted. The peer coach watches for the emotions behind the student’s words and conveys this understanding to the student

PARAPHRASING/RESTATING

To demonstrate that you are listening repeat every so often what you think the student said- No Parrots! Paraphrasing what you heard in your own words. For example “let’s see if I’m clear about this. . .”

EMPATHY AND REFLECTIVE LISTENING

Instead of just repeating, reflecting the speaker’s words in terms of feelings-This seems really important to you, or “this seems super hard for you.”

Reflecting Questioning: allows the other person to correct and clarify any misunderstandings you have of the message

If you echo back what the student has told you he/she then has a chance to agree/disagree with you or point out information you have missed or understood.

For example” You say you are failing a class?”

Or “You mentioned things were going really well for you?”

PARAPHRASING/RESTATING-EXAMPLES

Example: “I am a real failure. I have been married for eight months now and I still haven't found a job to support us. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t find work soon.”

How would you respond?

Not being able to find a job has you feeling pretty upset with yourself.

You sound frightened because you can’t support your family.

You are discouraged over unemployment.

Marriage has you feeling responsible for somebody else and this is weighing heavily on you.

It seems to me that you are really worried about your financial situation.

EXAMPLES

1. “My grades are so bad. But really, if it hadn’t been for two of my teachers, everything would have been alright. They were too busy to help me. I guess I could study more, but I can’t help it when my friends keep calling me. I would like to do better, but I guess I’m just stupid.”

Your response

My lab instructor thinks I don’t know anything. I deserve a little respect for all my hard work.

Your response

I have been looking back over the last two months and I can see where I’ve really grown. I have more control over my life than I used to

Your response

I think I have done really well in my classes, well accept American Heritage-I hate that class I study really hard and flunk every test. I studied for 12 hours on my last test, went to the reviews and scored 60 %. I hate the class I should not need to take it. How will it help me as an Engineer?

Your response

ROLE PLAYS

You are a Freshmen Below 1.0 for fall last year. You lived in Heritage and had a good time with roommates, friends from home. You really got into dating, gaming, etc. You did not come into ASO when invited last year, because you figured everything would sort itself out. In winter, you still had the same problems, so you moved out for this fall. Now you are living with older students, two of which you don’t like. Your classes feel hard and you are lonely. You have found yourself going back to your old gaming habits. You have missed classes this past three weeks.

ROLE PLAYS

You are a student on CAP. You were suspended two years ago due to problems with depression, made worse by the fact that your family did not believe you. You lived with a sister for the past two years and had a fairly decent job. You thought your depression had lifted. However, since you returned in fall the increasing demands made on you, you are still working 20-30 hours a week (you need the money you don’t qualify for financial aid), plus 14 credit hours, serving in a demanding Church calling, writing for the Daily Universe and finally dating someone you really like. You have started to miss classes, which puts you further behind. For the past three or four days you have been feeling blue, and have not been able to get out of bed until after noon.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?Immediacy

IMMEDIACY

Drawing attention to what is happening between the peer coach and student right there in the room in the “now”

Why would we do this?

IMMEDIACY

Talking about your professional relationship can resolve problems between you

Helps students understand their behavior in other relationships

Maybe a reflection of what is happening in other relationships

Practice-to help the student feel more comfortable in talking to others about their relationship

IMMEDIACY

Use cautiously-requires more self-disclosure,

Use too early can frighten students away

Can help break down resistances for students who find it difficult to open up to others

Be empathetic

IMMEDIACY

Good strategy/skill when:

Uncomfortable feelings between you and the student

Problematic pattern

Student could be indirectly speaking about the relationship between the both of you

When the student needs to learn how to talk about relationships (mostly for counselors)

Uncomfortable feelings between you and the student

What would you do if you could tell that the student disliked you?

What would you do if the student was attracted to you in a romantic way?

PROBLEMATIC PATTERN

Pattern that is occurring over and over again

Student resists carrying his/her share of responsibility in the relationship

Either thinks the visits are a waste of time

Have trouble communicating

Indirect Reference to the Relationship between the both of you

Whenever the student is talking about vague terms about relationships that have problems

“Nobody understands me/my problems”

“I can’t talk or share with people in authority”

“I don’t trust people”

THE IMMEDIACY RESPONSE

Practice it and don’t be afraid.

Observation and invitation to talk about the relationship

“Sometimes when I talk about my problems, I worry that people with think less of me.”

“I’ve been coming her visiting with you and Julie for three months and I’m still failing.”

“If I tell me professor what is really going on he/she will think I’m a jerk, better tell no one.”

“All my roommates and friends just get on my nerves.”

MOTIVATION

DEFINITION OF MOTIVATION

1. The Desire to Seek Success

2. The Desire to avoid failure

“ In order to truly know oneself, man must understand what he is running from and what he is running toward…”

HOW DOES MOTIVATION AFFECT ACADEMIC

PERFORMANCE?

Active Choice

Effort

Persistence

WHAT IS A PEER COACHES’ ROLE IN

HELPING STUDENTS WITH MOTIVATIONAL ISSUES?

Give students the responsibility and

opportunity to “own” their future and destiny

through decision making.

FACTORS AFFECTING MOTIVATION

Goal Orientation

Self-Efficacy

Perception/locus of control

The Daily Grind

“Overwhelming-nous”

Procrastination

GOAL ORIENTATION

Goal orientation –

1) Find out what the students “really” want to do How does BYU fit their overall goals in life?

Purpose

2) Find a variety of options to achieve the same goal

3) Find connections between goals and everyday activities

SELF-EFFICACY

A person’s beliefs in their abilities

to achieve a certain goal

Symptoms: Lack of confidence, indecisiveness, non-commitment to a certain major or career

SELF-EFFICACY – A PERSON’S BELIEFS IN

THEIR ABILITIES TO ACHIEVE A CERTAIN GOAL

4 ways to develop self-efficacy

1) Create mastery experiences by setting small goals, persevering through adversity, and “tasting” success.

2) Observe other people’s success and experiences through social modeling “If she can do it, so can I…”

3) Surround yourself by others who will support you and offer encouragement.

4) Reduce stress and anxiety and alter negative emotional states.

LOCUS OF CONTROL – HOW MUCH CONTROL DO WE HAVE OVER OUR OWN

FUTURE?

Symptoms: Hopelessness, disconnect, apathy

The generalized belief or perception in the extent in which behavior influences outcomes

External vs. internal

Stable vs. unstable

Controllable vs. uncontrollable

THE “DAILY GRIND” – AVOIDING “OVERWHELMING-

NOUS” AND PROCRASTINATION

• Symptoms: being overwhelmed, procrastination

• “How do you eat an elephant?”

Break things down into manageable steps

• Accountability - Create a reward system based on rewarding actions or steps taken toward achieving their goals.

Discuss consequences for not engaging or procrastinating in certain actions

Owning Thoughts and Feelings-Can I REALLY?

WHY AND WHEN

When we own or thoughts and feelings:

Openly acknowledge and take personal responsibility for them.

Models healthy behavior

Increases chances that clients will be open with them

When people do not own T&F

State feelings as facts or demands-reference to authority

Resentment or resistance can develop

WHY AND WHEN

People who deny T&F:

Blame others –”You are annoying,” “You Make me angry.”

Defensive people often blame others for their feelings or behavior

Power struggle “I am right you and wrong”

“I” STATEMENTS

When we take responsibility for T/F

We send “I messages.”

“I feel,” “I would like”

Beware of negating “I messages by attracting a “YOU” message at the end. . .

“I want to you to know I feel angry because you are so stupid.”

WHEN NOT TO OWN T/F

Expressing them might threaten another-fright or hopelessness to a child

Conversation is strictly on a content level

May ruin an opportunity, such as a job interview

MATCHING VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL

Students pay as much attention to the nonverbal messages as they do the verbal

It is much more difficult to own our feelings nonverbally

Examples, sorrowful looks, leaning closer, etc.

HOW IT’S DONE

“I feel/think/believe __________________”

“I’m frustrated too because I’ve noticed we are going around in circles today.”

“I’m embarrassed that you think our visit is a waste of time because I did not prepare they way I should have.”

“I’m surprised to hear you say that you don’t think we are getting anywhere. I think we have made some good progress.”

I agree. I have some ides about what we could do differently. Would you like to hear them?”

YOUR TURN

I feel close to people when . . .

I tend to keep distance from people when…

When other people tell me how they are feelings I . . .

I hesitate to express affection when . . .

The things I can discuss easily are . . .

The things that would make me uncomfortable to discuss are . . .

I am less able to talk openly to people when . . .

GIVE IT A TRY

1. Student: : “I did what you said and told the professor I could not complete the assignment on time, and now thanks to you the professor thinks I am a slacker. He told me he only wants motivated students in his class!!!”

2. Student: “I am not going to work on this time management thing so you might as well stop trying to make me”

3. Student: Will you stop throwing my academic standing in grades in my face. I don’t care if I could do better, I hate BYU.”

4. Student: “ It’s your fault that I did not do well on that test. I tried your stupid ideas and look where it got me-a big fat D”

What IS she/he talking about?

REQUESTING CONCRETENESS:

Julie E. Preece, Ph.D. From: Counseling Skills Workbook for Educational Psychology By Richard Heaps, 2010

CONCRETENESS

We want students to be more specific about their problems

Vague problems are difficult to resolve

I’m upset all the time

I didn’t do well on the test

I don’t get along/like my roommates

CONCRETENESS

Why are people vague?

Generality conserves time and energy

Protects them from sensitive/painful issues

May not know what the problem really is

CONCRETENESS

Empathy helps beginning a relationship

Once trust is establishes counselors can encourage their clients to be concrete more often

ASK FOR CLARIFICATION!

Ask for clarification and repeat the generality

Repeat the generality as a question

“Would you mind telling me what you mean be “not getting along with your roommate?”

You don’t get along with your roommate?

You said you don’t get along with your roommate can you tell me more about that please?