5 keys to blended family success

If you find yourself in a stepfamily environment, or are planning to

blend, the following keys will assist you towards making certain that

this time is forever.

Five keys to success1. Set aside quality time with your partner; be emotionally and mentally

available for them. If possible, arrange access so that you can enjoy

some child-free time. Have fun together and appreciate each other’s

company. It’s not just how you resolve conflict that determines your

success, but the level of happiness you experience together that also

matters.

2. Work on resolving conflict in a healthy manner; conflict is inevitable,

combat is optional. Conflict should not be treated as a bad thing.

It can lead to deeper intimacy in your relationship as you learn to

successfully negotiate issues. You’re giving each other the freedom

to be honest and when you resolve the small issues, it will give you

confidence to address the bigger ones that arise.

3. Remain committed to your partner by focusing on what brought

you together. Many issues you currently experience will revolve

around children and are temporary so aim to nurture and sustain

relationships. Love your partner for who they are rather than

making your love conditional on how they choose to parent, if their

style is different to yours.

According to Statistics New Zealand, one in every three marriages is

a second or subsequent marriage. When a new partnership includes

children from a person’s prior relationship,

they become a stepfamily (also known as a blended family).

When a couple are in love, it’s natural for them to desire that their

partner and children share a meaningful relationship too. Blending is

therefore about having those who are in a step relationship form such a

bond by learning to accept, respect and care for each other.

Along the path to happily-ever-after in a step family, there’s a number

of obstacles couples must first overcome. These include navigating

different parenting styles, helping the stepparent feel satisfied in their

new role, dealing with ex-partners and reducing a parent’s feeling of

being torn between trying to keep both their children and partner

happy. During conflict these pressures can cause a step family to divide

along biological lines. Rather than choosing to escape the conflict by

breaking up, the challenge is for couples to explore their way through it.

All couples in a step family have a tremendous opportunity to

experience lifelong satisfying and fulfilling relationships when they

choose to remain committed to each other. Couples can create a loving

and stable environment for their children while modelling the skills that

make a relationship successful. Children are able to witness how their

parent and stepparent work together and learn valuable life skills in the

process.

By Adele Cornish

Parent ing Winter 09 71

1. Couples who share their feelings without blaming and explore possible solutions that cater for a variety of needs, will most likely work through the stages of blending at a faster pace.

2. Don’t set rules and systems in concrete but evaluate them to determine their effectiveness. If one approach doesn’t work, it’s not the end of the world (or the family).

3. Develop effective conflict resolution skills.

Hot Tips

theparentingplace.com

Brochures are available from theparentingplace.com or The Parenting Place, 300 Great South Road, Greenlane in Auckland, 0800 53 56 59.

The Parenting Place is a not-for-profit organisation working to enhance the lives of families and young people in communities and schools throughout New Zealand. To help us create more resources, Vodafone customers text FAMILY to 7005 to give $5

At The Parenting Place we believe ‘family is everything’ so we’ve created a series of 45 Hot Tips brochures to help you make the most of your parenting journey. They’re grouped into four categories: Early Years, Middle Years, Tweens and Teens, and General Parenting.

General Parenting topics include:

• Communication• Family meal times• Feeling guilty?• How am I doing?• How to talk to kids• Media diet• Parenting alone• Parenting from a united

front• Simple parenting strategies

that work • Talking about money• Too much talk• What money can’t buy• 5 keys to blended family

success

4. Praise and encourage each other’s children; it will

do wonders for your couple relationship. If your

partner only hears negative comments about their

biological children, it may build a wall of resentment in

your relationship. Affirming your stepchildren regularly

will help your partner to be more open to constructive

suggestions you want to offer regarding their children.

5. Equip yourself with realistic expectations. These will help you focus

on things you have the power to change and accept what you can’t

change. Blending is a journey which requires plenty of patience.

Often couples become unstuck if they expect love to develop quickly

between those in a step relationship. Relationships are a work in

progress and your family dynamics will change over time.

Adele Cornish knows from personal experience in a stepfamily, the challenges

blended families face every day. Equipped with a social work background and

a vision to help families succeed, she devoted years to extensively researching

and addressing the unique issues blended families wrestle with. Find out more

at blendedfamilyfocus.com Adele is a frequent speaker at The Parenting Place

in Greenlane.

Work on resolving conflict in a healthy manner; conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.