Emilia Nagy -Love and Confidence Coach © 2018 http://www.womanworthyoflove.com Page 1

3 Ways to Release Self-Blame by Emilia Nagy March 28, 2018 PART 2

**Only honorable people experience shame**

In part one we talked about self blame held in by:

1. Cognitive dissonance (both the “good” that person is and the “bad” that person is can’t both be

true so there must be something wrong with us for thinking badly about them)

2. The self-blame habit (learned behavior from childhood)

3. Self-Forgiveness for some of these:

a. Not speaking up for myself

b. Not standing up for what I believed was true

Exercise: What do you need to own? This is an exercise of self-forgiveness.

“I betrayed myself when I gave up my own identity. I own that.”

“I hurt myself when I gave away pieces of myself until I forgot who I was. I own that.”

Part 2: Facing Shame to Recover Freedom and Power

We are not talking about toxic shame (generational shame passed down the

generations) as a result of a severed relationship to honor, values and “healthy” shame. See John Bradshaw: Bradshaw On: Healing the Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications.

1988. ISBN 978-0757303234. We are also not talking about being shamed (being told we did something wrong).

Even though the above are extremely prevalent in narcissistic abuse and we will look at them in

future classes, today we are talking about the part about shame that is between us and us. Me

and me. You and you. So this is OUR feeling of humiliation or distress when we know or are

conscious of having violated our own values or harmed another or ourselves. This is the most

insidious and most destructive aspect so let’s deal with our inner game first.

Personal Example: I feel shame when I overeat or eat too much sugar. I also feel shame when I

don’t go outside or exercise. I also feel shame when I stay up late. This is because I am violating

my own standards around what I “should” be doing or how I “should” be taking care of myself.

This doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else.

Example: I feel shame when I get sick (as a result of the above behaviors ) because I

“shouldn’t get sick” and because, “I should be taking care of my family” and “my husband has to

pick up the slack” and “I should be available to connect with my daughter.”

Do you have an example of what it looks like for you? Notice how honorable that is? The shame

is a result of having FAILED to be honorable and provide for myself or another.

They say wealth is an inner game. Well, so is Healing, Freedom and Power. Emilia Nagy

Emilia Nagy -Love and Confidence Coach © 2018 http://www.womanworthyoflove.com Page 2

Let’s look at some definitions and distinctions:

Human Animal is the reason we are even here – it’s how we survived. Based in Instinct.

Human Spirit is about Fulfillment, Joy, Love, Spiritual Growth. Based in Choice.

Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or

foolish behavior. Only honorable people experience shame when their

failures have harmed others. Embarrassment: a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.

Guilt: the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially

against moral or penal law; culpability.

General Notes:

Human Animal doesn’t do “healing” it does “avoiding pain.” Therefore avoiding the pain of

shame is reasonable, common, normal and to be expected.

Another secret about honorable people: they are not going to receive what they don’t think

they deserve.

Deserving Equation: All the good I have ever done – all the harm I have caused = What I deserve

Deserve to demand/take/receive from anyone or life

Are the things we feel shame about a negative in the deserving equation? Only

honorable people will apply it as a negative and then try to compensate for it.

There is a whole other possibility – receiving

If it ends up in the negative, we don’t deserve anything

We need to “do more good” to equal out the harm we’ve done

Even at 0 it doesn’t equal – can’t make something out of nothing or dig ourselves out of a hole

It requires an act of will or a “victory of human spirit” to face the pain of shame.

Facing shame and receiving healing is a victory of human spirit.

We can’t deserve healing because it’s not reasonable or logical.

We can’t earn healing, we can only receive it.

Earn/Deserve/Take/Demand – Human Animal – Narcissism/normal human behavior

Give/Receive – Human Spirit (different domain)

Do you refuse help, or gifts so you don’t have to “owe” someone?

How did the narcissist in your life try to “equalize” the deserving equation?

How did you try to equalize the deserving equation?