^hyskal. lEALTH

Take chargeof your emotions

before they take chargeof you.

ANDLET

GO

Although research indicates that stress is a

key factor leading to a wide variety of

ailments ranging from tension headaches to

strokes, the good news is that we can do

something about it. A little conflict is

normal. Where we get into trouble is when

we allow conflicts to control our lives.

by Joyce Laird

Experts agree. Real stress issues are few and farbetween. \A^en was the last time you experienceda severe physical injury, life-altering illness, or the

death ofa loved one? Stress in these circumstances iscertainly justified. However, "projected" stress is themost common.

The danger of projected stress is that it can easilybecome a crutch. "We get in a habit of using our stressfor making apologies instead of focusing on makingchanges," says Maya Tailsman Frost, founder of theReal-World Mindfalness Training Center. "If you're say-ing 'I'm sorry' too much, that should be a trigger tobring you hack to the moment and make you changewhat's wrong in your thinking. We use 'having a bad day'to excuse irritability, errors in work or judgment, and notpaying attention as we should. The danger is that it feedson itself. These kinds of thoughts build, get worse, causeexcessive stress, and become a 'had day' hecause we cre-ate it."

Knowledge Is PowerDr. Karen Sherman, a practicing psychologist and

author, says, "Knowledge gives you power. You need todevelop tools to help you see things realistically."

Setting unrealistic goals, not taking care of our own

6 Vibrant Life Nov/Dec 2007

needs, and trying to be everythingto everyone are some major wayswe pile stress onto ourselves. Wesay, "It's the stress of my job, thekids, my relatives, the holidays, or. . . (add your own here). I'malways running on empty." Inreality, nobody is doing it to usb u t . . . us.

With the assistance of OpinionResearch Corporation ofPrinceton, New Jersey, StephenShapiro, a creativityconsultant based inBoston, just com-pleted extensiveresearch for anew book onstress as relatedto goal-free liv-ing. He notesthat 36 percentof those sur-veyed in thiscountry say thatthe more goalsthey set torthemselves, themore stressedthey become,while 52 per-cent say thatone of theirgoals is to reducethe amount of stress in their lives.A mental Catch-22.

The survey also uncovered that53 percent of respondentsbelieved tliey were living theirlives in ways that satisfied othersinstead of themselves.

Another common way we cre-ate stress is by not living in themoment. This can be done bycontinually worrying about what'sgoing to happen in the fuuire; or,as Suzanne Adele Schmidt Ph.D.,business coach and consultant,states: "Rethinking about what weshould have done in the past canI)e just as crippling. Life must bekept in perspective. We need toconcentrate on what is happeningright now, instead of stressing over

things that can't be changed."

Getting Back on TrackIf you feel as tliough you're

"ninning on empty" 90 percent ofthe time, youVe not doing yourphysical, emotional, or mentalhealth any favors. It's time to stepback and take a look at your situa-tion.

Jay Wmner, M.D., is a familyphysician, author of 5>/YXfMmmgemem Made Simple, and

/Gooi

This is GOD

of tJie universe today,

tlianJv you!

founder of the stress managementprogram at the Santa Barbara,California, Medical Clinic.

As a physician he sees theresults of stress on the physicalwellbeing of patients on a dailybasis. "Tbe way we think aboutwhat is going on in our lives isthe key," he says. "One way wecan deal with stress is to changesome of our thought processes.Reframing is an example.Something may go wrong atwork and a person might think,'How awful, V?n a total failure.' Orhe can reframe and say, ^Some-thing went wi'ong when I tried itthis way, so let's try it another way.'There's always an option."

"It's a matter of learning tocontrol your reactions," says Dr.Sherman. "Learning to breathe acertain way will make you lessstressed; learning to meditate;becoming more cognitive aboutthe reality of any situation ratherthan reacting emotionally. Theseskills can be learned."

Susan Newman, Ph.D., asocial psychologist who teachesat Rutgers University in NewJersey, is author of The Book ofNO: 250 Ways to Say It—and

Mean It and StopPeople-PleasingForever. She says,"The most impor-tant thing any of uscan do is to learn tosay NO; learn torecognize when peo-ple are trying tomanipulate you."

Five StepsIn her book she

writes: There are fivebasic steps to keep inviind as you hone yourability to turn peopledown. As soon as youbegin to apply the?//, youwill start to feel Justified

saying no and yoi4 will seeresults. You won V be able to

say no to everything asked of you,nor will you want to, but you don'thave to he an ever-aceoinmodatingyes-person to be loved, respected, andadmired.

• L Make a list of your yesesover the period of a week. Note anynegative reaction you have—that isthe True measure.

• 2. Pay attention to how youparcel out your time.

• 3. Get your priontiessti'uight.

• 4. Know your limits—start todefine them if you don'? know whatthey are.

• 5. Give control to others toease your responsihUitie.^. Delegate.

Nov/Dec 2007 Vibrant Ufe 7

"The more ofcen you refuse,"Newman says, "the more quicklyyou'll learn that the fallout is farless extreme than you imagine.Once you accept these realities,the easier it is to say no."

"TK,. ,1...,nrn;

crutch.

Living Goal-freeStephen Shapiro offers up the

tool of goal-free living. He saysthat he found an interesting pieceof information during his survey."The most creative people, theni(jst passionate anti loving andfun people, were those who livedlife free of goals," he says. "Livinggoal-free is not being withoutgoals. It basically means get asense of direction and then set sailand don't worry about whetheryou're going in the right direction,because the secret is to trust thatyou are never lost. You mustbelieve that where you are rightnow is where you're supposed tobe and just enjoy it. Stop beatingyourself up over everything."

"Another secret is to wantwhat you have," he adds. "I thinkpart of the reason we are sogoal-oriented is that we've beenbombarded by all the things wethink we should have—a biggerhouse, a plasma T\% you name it."

Maya Talisman Frost notesthat "mindfulness" is a good toolfor pulling yourself back on track.It's not just meditating for fiveminutes a day; its paying atten-tion in real time to all tlie thingsthat are going on in your life byfocusing your mind on the pres-

ent. Pay attention to the way you"create" your day. Train yourmind to stop and recognize whena negative reac-tion starts;then discard itinstead oibuilding a listthat becomespart of yourstory of havinga stressed-outbad day. Put itinto the rightperspective.

Dr. W imiersays that when-ever you startnoticing you'rehaving thoughts of how awfulthings are, it's time to stop andlook at some of the tools you can

use to reframe things. "In all myclasses, I do an experiment. I sayraise your hand if

"Whenever you startnoticing you're having ^

at some of the tools you can

use to reframe thmgs.

you've ever beenrude in your life. Of course, ev-erybody raises their hand. 7'hen 1say raise your hand if, when you

8 Vibrant Ufe NoWDec 2007

are rude, it is when you're happyand feeling your best. Predictably,nobody raises his or her hand. Itbrings home the point that whenothers are rude, it usually meansthat tliey are suffering in one wayor another. You can't know whathappened. Even with people weknow well, we know only the tipof the iceberg. We can reframethat and think. Hey I wonder whafswrong with them. This willincrease empathy and decreasestress," he says.

Lifetime AdjustmentsTbere are many tools we can all

use to deal with stress. Oncelearned, they will last a lifetime, asopposed to a temporary pill diat justputs a Band-Aid over tlie simadon.

Suzamie Adele Schmidt sums

it up quite well. "The whole ideaof being clear about your bound-aries is very important. I have amagnet on my refrigerator thatsays: 'Cood Morning. This isGOD and I will be in charge ofthe universe today, thank you!'You have to let go. T(>o many ofus are trying to control both sidesof the street instead of just con-centrating on our own yard."

True stress-reducing words tolive by.

Joyce Laird has been a freelancewiitei-since 1984 with articlesappearing in variom trade ?/raga-zines. She lives in Arleta, California.

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