22365024 a guy s guide to building social value

8/6/2019 22365024 a Guy s Guide to Building Social Value

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IMPROVINTERACTIONSA GUY'S GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE


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This book is copyright 2009 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy,distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part,or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative

works of this book, unless you have consent from the author.

Front Cover Illustration:

Copyright 2009 ByGiraffarteIn association with www.dreamstime.com

Copyright 2009www.modernmanliving.com

Brendan Adams

All rights reserved.


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People are your main source toeverything. The next person you meetcould add something valuable to yourlife. Dont miss the opportunity just

because you lack confidence to interact.

-Brendan Adams


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CONTENTSIntroduction i

How This Book Works xiii

PART ONE: DEVELOPING A SOCIAL ATTITUDE

1. Blocks In Conversation1

2. Social Attitude And Mindset 15

3. The Improv Approach 51

PART TWO: INSIDE INTERACTIONS

4. Building A Lifestyle 685. Making An Impression 82

6. Sources For Conversation 927. Starting Interactions 1008. Authentic Listening 1389. Making It Interactive 15010. Storytelling 16211. Making It Flow 178

PART THREE: BEYOND INTERACTIONS

12. Frame Control 20213. Presence 22014. Group Dynamics 23415. Sparking Attraction 24416. All Together 294

Conclusion 302


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A GUYS GUIDE TO BUILDING SOCIAL VALUE

i | I N T R O D U C T I O N

INTRODUCTIONThe goal of this book is to help you increase your social value

through conversation, interaction, and social skills.

Social Value is defined as the ability to be observed as a manwho exudes an abundance of worth by his presence and the way

others react to him.You dont need to be a celebrity or a big CEO to be perceivedas having value. Value comes from the way in which people reactto you and know of you. You can gain this in your everyday life

when you know how to be extremely comfortable and confidentsocially.

What you need is the ability to interact with anybody you meet.If you have ever been in situations where you have been too quiet;too shy; repeating yourself; lost on what to say and talk about;feeling blank etcthen this is for you. This book will guide you inovercoming the mental blocks and other blocks which can happenin social situations.

I was once in a position where I struggled severely from socialanxiety. While I was in search for answers and how to get over it, Icame across a lot of other people with similar problems, and also

struggling with the actual process of conversation.I began to notice that their struggle was down to their inner

challenges which blocked their progress, which resulted in themfeeling more anxious in social situations.

So I wanted to create a book to combine those two areas:overcoming social/approach anxiety, and also devising animprovised structure to interactions.

Put it this way. Think about how a typical conversation goes.


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

ii | I N T R O D U C T I O N

Person A: HiyaPerson B: Oh Hello, How are you?Person A:Im fine, How bout you?

Person B:Aw Im good too thanksPerson A: What you been up to?Person B: Oh not much, you?Person A: Yes the same. Busy as always hahaPerson B: haha, yehPerson A:Person B:Person A:Well I best get going so Ill see you later. It was nice to seeyou again.Person B:It was great seeing you as well. Well catch up sometime.Person A: Definitely!

Sound familiar? The trouble with this interaction is that there isno possible advancement. They both cut each other off byremaining resistant and closed. A lot of interactions tend to go likethis. Chances are they probably wont catch up sometime soonbecause they havent invested in each other. So its another empty

conversation.

Its a recurring pattern for people who tend to cut interactionsshort. They do this because their mind goes blank and they cantthink of anything else to say, so how can they possibly get to know

each other to become more?

CONVERSATION PLUS ATTRACTIONIve always had a curiosity about interactions between men and

women. It appeared to me that, yes, even though it is quite easy totalk to a girl on a friendly level with chit-chat, you have to havesomething else going on to spark the infamous CHEMISTRY.

And you can also notice the mundane conversation patternsduring interactions with a girl


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iii | I N T R O D U C T I O N

Guy:Whats that book you are reading?Girl: Danielle SteelGuy:Oh Ive never read her books. Are they good?

Girl:Yes, otherwise I wouldnt be reading it.Guy:Good point. Ive just finished reading Tom Clancys new book.Girl:Ive never heard of him.Guy: A-ha (Dying a slow and painful death)Girl:Guy:Girl:..Guy: Well, I best be off. Enjoy your book.

Good beginning. Jittery middle. Predictable ending. Thisinteraction had the potential to have another girl as part of hissocial circlebut he blew it.

Its so easy to be dumbstruck and not know how to continuean interaction with anybody. We hit dead ends and we feel theanxiety building up.

Or maybe our lives ARE actually boring and we have done

absolutely nothing for us to talk about or connect on. So where doyou go from there?

WHAT IS IMPROV INTERACTIONS?

Improv = Improvisation.

Yes, it is that on-the-spot spontaneity you see in theatre and

performance. Actors often talk about it and its most common inmusic such as jazz. It is a skill where you create in the moment withall that you have available to you.

The question is: What can you create in terms of socialinteractions?

It requires you have no script and no preparation. Soundsimpossible, but if you have ever researched improvisation- you

know it has a structure and helpful exercises to improve your skillto improvise. The biggest secret is that


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

iv | I N T R O D U C T I O N

Experience creates social intuition

HOW DOES IT APPLY TO INTERACTIONS?

In this book, I am going to provide you with a social structureyou can improvise with.You wont be bogged down to the routinemanner we all go through in conversation. We can learn to divertand spark up new ways to continue a conversation and have aninteraction which can lead somewhere.

All of us are improvising every single day. As much as we try tolive in our safe little bubbles and plan out our days, knowingeverything we are doing in advance- we still have to improvise andfigure things out as we go.

With interactions you have no script, just as in life. You have tocreate your dialogue on the spot and learn to create and react rightthen and there.

With that being the case, most beginning interactions withpeople tend to remain on the safe side. We stay confined to smalltalk and fluffbecause thats how social conditioning has trained us.

You can learn improvisation as a skill to surpass thoseboundaries. It is a way of giving you more options.

Its more than a skill though, its a mindset. Its an overall

attitude to how you approach life and people. Apply it to yoursocial life, and you find yourself creating more opportunities andconnections with others around you.

COMBINING IMPROV INTERACTIONS &

ATTRACTION

Creating attraction tends to be the main goal between a man

and a woman when they interact. Unfortunately, that doesnt seemto happen with safe and respectful conversations.


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v | I N T R O D U C T I O N

Making a woman feel something more for you requires youbeing in control. But its hard to be in control if youre a stumblingmess and worried about saying the wrong thing. You take

control when you can handle whatever is thrown at you and youtake the reigns.

I naively assumed I needed methods to spark attraction, whenin fact all I needed was a general understanding to work with. Theonly reason I became consumed with it all is because of the controland predictability it had.

But the predictability soon wears off. You begin to feel a fraud.

If youre doing the pick up thing, Im not suggesting pass itoff. This is about taking a step back and building a gym mat. Its aplace where you can fall flat on your ass and still keep on going.

I took a step back and decided that the answer was to BUILDA FOUNDATION OF SOCIAL SKILLSwhich you can apply with everybody and anybody. It not only increases your social

value, but the confidence it gives you allows you to be naturallyattractive.

Social Value is a big key to sparking attraction

BUILDING A SOCIAL FOUNDATION

Lets face it, most of us live not so extravagant lifestyles. Wewill not all be the typical man-of-value stereotypes that will capturea woman into our webs of seduction.

The ultimate test is being able to make the

mundane boring stuff BE fun

Because what are you left with when you take away the PickUp methods?


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

vi | I N T R O D U C T I O N

Pure and simple, you are left with conversation- an expressionof self. It is at the foundation of any interaction.

I noticed its this foundation which a lot of guys tend to bestuck on. They become too linear and fixated on their approachand the content of what they say. With that, they miss the naturalattraction sparks that are happening right in front of them.

You can tell when you lack a foundation because you saystatements along the lines of:

- I ran out of things to say

- What should I have said next?

- It went really quiet and I was losing her. Should I havedone another palm read?

- I had to leave because my mind went blank.

How long would you last if you ACTUALLY had her? You canonly repeat your attraction material a few times and get away withit.

The other advantage is that Improv Interactions applies toEVERYBODY you interact with. Once you have the confidenceand comfort in your ability to flow with a conversation, then itgives you a feeling of knowing you can handle ANY socialsituation.

Then the interactions start to become FUN rather than full ofanxiety. It will no longer be a case of, What will I say when we runthis topic into the ground? Ill be lost. There she goes, shesfinishing her sentence. Her lips are nowaboutto stop moving.

What did she just say? I missed it! Too nervousShould I talkabout my pet fish again?

THE IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL INTERACTION

Real conversations are scarce, so our interactions with peopleare limited. It seems that most peoples methods are to wait for thesilence so they know that its their turn to speak. And in that time, I


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vii | I N T R O D U C T I O N

believe the person is either thinking, What should I say next? orWhere is the exit? The interaction itself is never the real focus.

Its especially obvious when you are interactingwith somebodyfor the first time. Strangers can be so unpredictable.

Whenever two or more people are hovering around together,there has to be some form of interaction.

On the flip side, there are an abundance of people walking pastus in this world every day. Multiple opportunities to connect andhave some company are all around and yet most people can stillfeel lonely! I knowbizarre.

LETS BREAK IT DOWN

Interaction means to interact, which means it takes two totango. Being social for short.

Conversation is the tool that allows us to interact with oneanother. After the initial eye contact and proximity, you HAVE to

say something.

And conversation is easy. They say a sentence, you say asentence- its a done deal. However, thats the SIMPLEST form ofconversation. It doesnt appear to be interactive like conversationsshould be. Its passive and fleeting where neither seem to beinterested in taking the time to get to know the other.

But conversation is much more than being all about the wordsyou say.

Put it this way- If you are a quiet person and unresponsive,then no doubt you will be tarred with the personality traits of shyor ignorant. Both of which I dont think we all like to be knownas.

Most of us cant seem to help that. You dont want to be quieton purpose. Its only because conversation is uncomfortable for

you. But the other person doesnt know that, so without you evensaying a word youve been judged in a seemingly negative way.


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

viii | I N T R O D U C T I O N

This isnt about overcoming the judgments you get. You can bejudged even for the way you walk in most cases. Im simplypointing out that your interactions have a greater impact than

discussing daily news topics or what the other person has been upto.

Every social interaction projects your

personality and attitude. Even if you are quiet- you

are projecting shyness and insecurity

Conversation is expression, and you deserve to be able toexpress yourself fully without fear or anxiety.

CREATING A CONNECTION

Try having a long-term friendship or relationship withoutsaying a word. I know married couples seem to hit that point

anyway after 20 years with each other, but give it a go.

Anybody can make small talk and fluff their way through. Aquick hello, a nice how are you, what you been up to- its friendly,non-intrusive, simple. But it doesnt create anything concrete tobuild up a social circle or relationship.

To make a connection requires more than that. Obviously you

dont want to create a connection with everybody you meet. Yourenot trying to be a walking Facebook here.

By connection I mean interacting on a personal and expressivelevel. It is those relationships that form your social circle and createa socially abundant lifestyle. It could be with anybody where youhave to show your face on a regular basis, or maybe even in thenew places you have decided to venture into on a whim.

This does not mean to go out and talk to every Tom, Dick andHarry. However, there will be people you would like to interact

with- but often we lack the feeling of social confidence to go upand initiate.


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ix | I N T R O D U C T I O N

IT HAS TO START SOMEWHERE

In reality, everybody you know now was once a stranger to you.After a while it probably feels second nature to request meeting upor asking for a favour with a friend. You know, doing the thingsyou can never do without a level of comfort.

Now, I understand conversation sounds easy. Conversation justseemingly flows when you are with a friend or somebody you areclose and comfortable with- so why continue reading? Because

By having strong, confident social skills and the

ability to improvise with anybody gives you VALUE

Social anxiety and fear tends to prevail for those of us who findit hard to socialise. Even if you are already a social person,

taking on improvisation is an outlook for your lifestyle. Youbecome the why not? guy.

You can open up and connect to somebody within minutesbecause of your attitude and confidence to be expressive.

You decide to be aloof and a bit out there with playfulness soothers feel comfortable doing the same.

In fact, you become the leader of an interaction. In the

beginning it is a battle for sussing out the other person and tryingnot to tread on any toes.

The majority of our new friends happen by being in a social

setting like college or being introduced. But there are multiplestrangers and interesting people out there. Why pass up theopportunity just because we lack confidence and social skills?


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

x | I N T R O D U C T I O N

Without people, you gain nothing.

No friends- No social life.

No girlfriend- No intimacy and future family

potential.

No networking- No job or business opportunities.

No customers- No sales.

No audience- No performance.

No teachers- No learning.

THE FEAR OF INITIATING

People are your source to all that is valuable in your life. Formany of us, the idea of talking to new people is a scary concept- wedont even bother to do it.

When you walk down the street it is very rare that you will bereciprocated with eye contact. We are all in a world of our own.

When we are in a waiting room, we bury our heads in magazines.When we are on a bus, we check our mobile phones. When we areat a bar, we wait till we have consumed enough alcohol to forgetour own name.

To be social you have to learn how to develop a certainmindset where you find it fun to interact, even with completestrangers. You have to build a level of confidence where you can

handle the SOCIAL PRESSURE. The majority of interactions are passive, so the ideas and

techniques provided here are to help you get passed those blocksYOU put up, and also what other people put up- then you can bemore than just a quick Hello.

So here it is, a how to guide on:

Expanding your social circle and increasing your value.

Being comfortable in any social situation. Being able to make conversations personal.

Bringing the best out of people by giving them permissionto let go.


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xi | I N T R O D U C T I O N

Having fun, creative and playful interactions.

Letting others let you into their worlds while you do thesame.

Being naturally attractive.

Enjoy.


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xiii | H O W T H I S B O O K W O R K S

HOW THIS BOOK

WORKS

My intention is to help those who are struggling with socialising with others- Whether it is because of anxiety, or fear of new

people, or stepping back because they have no confidence in theirsocial ability.

I have read many books in my time. Well, I had to because Ihid in my own little world and that is all I had. I would read a book,think Brilliant. I have the knowledgeNEXT!, but I neverapplied anything. I felt like Short Circuit, whizzing through bookssearching for more input.

I wanted too much reassurance before I applied anything.

I dont want that to be the same case for you.

Many books I read went into the hundreds of pages region. Iwould think the bigger the book, then the more credibility it had.

It took me days, sometimes weeks, to finally get around andfinish reading a book. Id go away from it for a few months, forget

what it told me, and then go back to it all over again.It was a vicious cycle.

If you summarize these books down into notes, youll find theyonly have a few key points that are worth remembering. The rest ofit is just padded with fluff in hope for some eureka moment.

This is an INFORMATION and SELF-IMPROVEMENTbook, and because of that- I want to keep the details strictly to the

bare essentials. I want you to get the information that you need sothat you can APPLY it.


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS

xiv | H O W T H I S B O O K W O R K S

After all, the core of this book is to give you a universal attitudeof an improviser, topped with understanding interactions, and adash of being confident socially and with interacting with people.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

You will no doubt have all the information you need to get outthere and interact with real people so go and apply what youknow. Dont waste your time searching for more material or the

perfect solution. Speed of application is a mindset for everybodysuccessful in this world.

I do not profess to be a brilliant writer. My only concern is thatyou get the knowledge you need to be effective with yourinteractions and social skills.

The way this book works is first of all giving you THEORY of

a structure on how social interactions work so you can improvisewith the options.It is not filled with specific lines or routines. The structure is

there so you can improvise around it. No social situation will be thesame for you- hence why it is better to learn improvising andthinking on your feet.

After that it is up to you to make being social and improvisingin your life a habit.

Take this information and then go out there, accept what youare given- and dive in to make it up as you go along. There willnever be a perfect situation- only situations with the potential foryou to mould.

Come back to this book later if you wish. But I hope that onceyou read it, you already have an Ill give it ago. Why not? attitude

anyway.


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PART ONE

DEVELOPING A

SOCIAL ATTITUDE

Learning to overcome anxiety and mental blocksin social situations.


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1 | B L O C K S I N C O N V E R S A T I O N

CHAPTER 1 -BLOCKS IN

CONVERSATIONConversations are sometimes difficult to keep going. They

hit pauses, awkward silences, and you dont really know whatelse to say.

Interactions are a two-way process. For them to become two-way there has to be a level of reciprocation, which means that bothpeople have to contribute and create openings for the other personto jump in.

Within your social circle you dont have to be conscious aboutconversation. It all comes naturally. You can bounce around withany topic and feel free to ramble on about anything that comes up.

You could have one word answers, cut it- and then go on tosomething else. Youre not concerned about whether you are in todance music and theyre in to classical, you still feel free to talkabout your tastes anyway without thinking Im boring the tits offof them here.

You are free to speak without judgement. And it probably tooka while for you to get there to that level of comfort. You had tohave a few shared experiences and Wow, Me too moments.

When they took that leap of faith and opened up about somethingpersonal- you reciprocated with your own little anecdote, and youfelt good by building that trust.

With new people its a whole new ball game. You dont knowabout each other. The only thing you can really go on is your firstimpressions and the environment.


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS


If you approach somebody new, chances are you will both becautious in what you talk about. You also have no sharedexperiences to riff off, giving the old Remember that time

when intro.

You are starting from scratch, so there comes more ways forinteractions to hit a dead end and uncomfortable pauses. Its to beexpected.

YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE

Okay, in truth, you dont only get the ONE chance with aperson, but it helps for illustration purposes.

Lets say you approach somebody, a pretty girl for example. Youwalk up to her, give your introduction that you spent 30 minutestrying to get right.

And all you get in return is

Girl: Oh, hehe. Okay.

Where do you go from there?

Its impossible for you to say, Wait! Let me try this again. Just

wait here. You carry on doing what you were doing

You think youve been rejected. Was it your breath? The wayyou stood? Maybe you should have gone for the cocky grin insteadof the full teeth smile.

Either way, its a difficult block. She hasnt given anything backto interact with you in return. So you walk away believing anotheropportunity has been lost. Back in Fred Flintstone days, you would

of only had about 3-4 more girls to try it on with before you ranout of fresh meat.


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Its a common scenario, and it doesnt end there. How about ifyou actually got the girl to meet up with you another time? Nowinstead of 10 minutes, you have 34 hours of possible dead ends

and silences.Thats usually the part where panic mode hits. You feel you haveto find something you can both hit it off on and impress eachother, then something elsethen anotherthen another.

If that ends up being the case, then its usually down to badsocial habits. Interactions should be free-flowing, but we are notshown how to be social in schools and through education. We areleft to our own devices and try picking it up as we go along bycopying those around us.

So these bad habits tend to occur and theyre often not yourfault. Perhaps you have been conditioned to be shy, or told Bepolite and always listen.

OVERRIDING THE BELIEF THAT IT IS

REJECTION

When you experience these blocksyou will

often feel like you are being rejected.

Many thoughts will run through your head as to why the otherperson isnt getting involved as much as you would have liked.Often self-consciousness hits and we think were being boring andyoure not hitting it off. Then anxiety comes into it and you bothback away due to it feeling uncomfortable.

We love interacting with people when all the fears and anxietiesare brushed aside. Unfortunately, we all exhibit common

behaviours, or BLOCKS, when we first interact with people.Social politeness tends to play a big part, but overall we tend to

restrict ourselves from giving too much away. We becomeuncomfortable and dont want to say or do the wrong things.


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IMPROV INTERACTIONS


No doubt you have done it in the past to people- youve gonequiet or you have thrown questions at them to divert attention

from yourself. But you didnt mean to reject the person, did you? Of course you didnt, although it probably appeared that way.Once you become conscious of these blocks, you begin to realisethat we are all guilty of doing it- and its not really rejection at all.

It is social safety and our discomfort in social situations thatmake us want to press the abort button.

Being aware of these blocks gives you a more respectful andunderstanding approach. You can brush off awkward silences witha knowing smile.

THE BLOCKS

Like I said, youve probably already blocked people in similar ways but without even realising it. Its usually an unconsciousprocess, which is why its so easy to misread the signals.

Ill go through how to avoid blocks later. Right now it isimportant to just be aware of them.

Notice whether you have ever experienced these blocks ordone them unconsciously with others.

1) YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN WORLD- BEINGCAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS

Weve all had it happen to us. Weve been walking alongminding our own business, eyes fixed on the pavement and gettingto where we have to be.

Then it happens

The voice from afar:Excuse me. Id just like to borrow you for asecond


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To read more about what this book has to offer, thenpleaseGO HERE.

You can also purchase the book for 12 (approx. $20)from the above page and you can download it straightaway.

If the book is not what you are looking for, or you haveany requests on what you would like to see, then please

share any feedback/comments you have to:

[email protected]

Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

www.modernmanliving.com

Thank you,

Brendan Adams
http://www.modernmanliving.com/Prodcuts/ImprovInteractionshttp://www.modernmanliving.com/Prodcuts/ImprovInteractionshttp://www.modernmanliving.com/Prodcuts/ImprovInteractionsmailto:[email protected]:[email protected]://www.modernmanliving.com/http://www.modernmanliving.com/http://www.modernmanliving.com/mailto:[email protected]://www.modernmanliving.com/Prodcuts/ImprovInteractions

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