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Instant Princess: Fostering a healthy self esteem in girls Complete with esteem and team boosting party games

Presented by

Marci Woodard for HighPrincess.com

“Just for you”

Copyrighted © 2008 by Marci Woodard, all rights reserved.

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Outline

I Introduction

II Low Self Esteem: Causes, symptoms, and antidotes III Healing from the past and moving forward IV Almost well known esteem building motivational quotes

V Bonus! Fun Esteem boosting & team building games for

girls VI Conclusion

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Introduction

Do you know someone that holds her head down when she walks? Do you know someone that has to point out everyone else’s faults in order to feel good about herself? Do you know someone that eats to comfort herself when problems arise? Perhaps it’s your daughter, your niece, your student, or even you. Whether you’re a parent, aunt, or teacher who is looking for help with a special little girl, you’ve come to the right place. When a little girl has low self esteem, it affects every area of their lives –school, home, and play. They suffer from emotional immaturity, their relationships are unhealthy, and they lack the power to reach their full potential. Putting it simply, they are not living their best life. Although there are varying degrees of low self esteem, those individuals suffering often find it impossible to change their self perception. Regardless of who you are or the reason this book has found its way to your hands, use it a tool to identify self esteem problems and begin reversing the damage. This booklet was intended to provide a quick glimpse into self esteem issues that are held by women and girls. It is not all inclusive of everything you always wanted to know about the composition of the girly self worth, but it is a good start. At the very end, you will find games and activities geared towards boosting self esteem and team building. Although the information and games inside are aimed to help you boost self esteem leve ls in women and girls, it can also be used to identify problems in men and boys suffering from low self esteem as well.

About HighPrincess.com

The High Princess Society was founded by moms, Sunday school teachers, and mentors who desire to inspire girls to believe in themselves and share positive behavior with their peers. Starting with self esteem, the mission of HighPrincess.com is to promote confidence and re-enforce morals and standards of self-respect that parents should already be modeling at home. No one can instill those values in children as well as parents and loved ones. Starting the process early will give girls the foundation that they need for the rest of their lives.

For instance, if a young girl is constantly hearing how pretty and smart she is from her parents, she is less likely to accept comments from her peers such as “you are stupid” or “your nose is too big”. While those comments are hurtful, the chances that she will allow them to become her “personal truth” are slim – especially if she can go home and receive the affirmation that she needs. Parents should take at least 30 - 60 seconds everyday to let their daughters know that they are special. Hugging or giving a positive comment that focuses on their abilities, talents, or strengths can make all the difference in whether or not their self esteem is healthy.

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Why all the attention on girls? It’s not that boys don’t need love or affirmation, but girls need more. Statistically speaking, girls are twice as likely as boys to attempt suicide, seven times more likely to be depressed, and three times more likely to have the negative body image that is often associated with anorexia or bulimia. Those alarming numbers are proof that there is more pressure on girls and women to maintain a standard of perfection. The High Princess Society hopes to provide adults with some insight into they can do to minimize those issues before girls grow up to be women that continue the cycle.

II Causes

Self esteem is defined as having respect and a favorable impression of oneself. When girls suffer from low self esteem, it becomes evident in every area of their life: from the way they walk and talk, to the way in which they relate to others. From the “mean girl” persona to the extreme timidity that is often seen in adolescent girls, the root cause can always be traced back to how they feel about themselves. They carry the problem everywhere they go. Their perspective on life and life’s events is usually negative. They tend to see the glass as half empty and they’re either picking on everybody, or everybody is always picking on them.

Four common reasons girls suffer from low self esteem

1. Being raised by parents or guardians that suffer from low self esteem. It’s true that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. The same sex parent is the most important role model that a child will ever have. Children often grow up to imitate the life that their parents lived – to a certain extent, because they pay more attention to what grown ups do than what they say. They take on their parents’ financial habits, eating habits, and even self care habits. Girls learn their self worth by watching their mothers. How can a young girl learn to love herself if she watches her mother practice various forms of self hatred? For instance, a mother that obsesses about her weight by continually looking in the mirror, comparing herself to others, and refusing nutritious foods will send the message to her daughter that she can only be content with herself if she is a certain size. She will never be thin enough….. To a daughter that inadvertently hears “you’re just like your mother”, from various loved ones, it further compounds the message that she must practice that same behavior – just like her mother. The daughter becomes a mirror image of the mother, whether she wants to or not.

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A mother that tolerates verbal abuse from her spouse sends the message to her daughter that she agrees with whatever the abuser says about her. If he consistently calls her an “incompetent, stupid rock” and it goes unchallenged, she begins to feel worthy of such comments, and thus passes that mindset down to her daughter. The daughter learns that it is acceptable to treat her this way. In yet another example, parents that define themselves and others by status symbols such as luxury cars and designer clothes- rather than positive character traits, will teach their children that they can be affirmed by material things. Children in such families never learn to develop self worth based on the content of their character, but by the material possessions that they have. If there is ever a time when they aren’t able to get something they want, they begin to question their value as human beings. While there is nothing wrong with having material things, self worth should not be defined by them, and the desire for them certainly should not be motivated by what others will think about you if you don’t have them. The Antidote: As a parent or adult role model, the best thing you can do for the girls around you is to practice self care. Even when you think your little protégés aren’t watching, they see the results of your actions, sooner or later. They need role models that show them how to love and respect themselves. It’s natural for them to want to grow up and be “just like you”. It’s your job to show them the right image in the mirror. To do this, it may be necessary for you to relive some events in your childhood to uncover the root causes of why you feel a certain way about yourself. You need to uncover why you have certain attitudes about money and spending habits. You may also need to re-think the relationship that you had with your parents. For more information on this, refer to the next section in this booklet. 2. Being rejected by friends and loved ones. Rejection is being made to feel as though you are not loved and accepted just the way you are. Rejection can make you feel as though you must be taller, smarter, or thinner to be worthy of love. Every human being was born with the longing to be loved and appreciated for being themselves. When that feeling is left unfulfilled, we begin to feel as though something is wrong with us. We begin to wonder “why was I born a certain way”, and “why aren’t I normal like everybody else”.

The feeling of rejection can be conjured most often in adopted children or those that have an absent parent. These children begin to think “what is so wrong with me that my own parents didn’t want me”. They then begin to validate those feelings by exhibiting behavior that proves to the world that their parents were right: “I’m not worthy of love”. Here you have rejection by parents, which leads to behavioral problems, which in turn, leads to self-rejection, which leads to low self esteem. Children whose parents are very critical of them also experience feelings of rejection. Unfortunately, these children are victims of their parents’ insecurities -which can be manifested by the need for perfection or control. The parents hold unrealistic expectations for themselves and others. They fail to balance criticism with

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praise or compliments. Children of these parents often feel as though no matter what they do, their parents will never love them. They feel as though they must perform at unrealistic standards in order to earn unconditional love. They feel that they can never be perfect enough to earn anyone’s love. Ultimately, they begin to feel as though they are complete failures regardless of how talented or how gifted they may be. This sense of failure usually follows them into their adult lives. Enduring teasing and bullying by peers can also cause feelings of rejection to manifest in girls. Unfortunately, bullies act out as a result of their own insecurities or problems at home. The act of bullying comes from the mentality that the reason “I feel good about myself is because I can make you feel inferior”. Bullies are able to surround themselves with others that will support their position because they don’t want to become the bully’s next victim. It works, because bullies tend to single out seemingly vulnerable individuals that will not retaliate against their vicious deeds or words. Ever wondered what would happen if a group of gazelles started chasing a lion?

The Antidote: Rejected children need to know that no one is perfect, but everyone has something that makes them special. Find ways to celebrate their unique beings. Encourage them to focus on the positive aspects of their personality, talents, strengths, and abilities. You may need to help them to discover their hidden gifts and talents by encouraging them to try something new. When they succeed – don’t forget to celebrate their victories. If they fail over and over again, it’s time to try something else. After all, everyone is not going to be good at everything, but everyone has something that they’re good at.

If they are being rejected and ridiculed by their peers at school, counter that action

with much affirmation. Genuine affirmation from adults can change how a child feels about themselves and undo the effects of negative criticism that they may receive from others. You can’t change other girls’ bad behavior, but you can change how your girls feel about themselves. Explain to them that others’ bad behavior is a direct result of how they feel about themselves- it really has nothing to do with the victim. It may also be helpful to allow them to join other peer groups, outside of school, so they’ll have other opportunities to make friends. Girl Scouts, church activities, and community sports are excellent resources for additional peer groups.

3. Being verbally, physically, or sexually abused. Although people have different levels of resiliency, abuse in any form can cause irreparable damage to victims. Abuse hinders the emotional, psychological, and social development of children. Abused children can become adults that overeat to hide behind their pain. They become less trusting of others. Some may experience depression, suicidal thoughts, bad body image – which can result in eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia. Others become sexually promiscuous at very young ages or sexually rigid adults. The tendency to accept the blame for the abuse is not uncommon. The victims, however young they may be, begin to rationalize what they could have done

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differently to prevent the abuse from happening. And since they can do nothing to control the abusers’ attacks, they begin to feel incompetent and worthy of the abuse. Low self worth that results from some form of abuse, more often than not starts in childhood, and continues throughout adult lives. By the time a girl reaches the age of maturity, there are so many other buried issues that hide underneath the abuse that started in her childhood. The Antidote: Victims of abuse often need to reprogram their thinking and the personal truths that continually run through their minds about themselves. Encourage them to challenge why they feel certain things about themselves. Simply listening while they talk can release some of the pain and fears that haunts them. Validating their pain and anger is another good way to help the victim. They should know that the abuse was not their fault and they have a right to feel angry, hurt, and even betrayed- for a season, but not for a lifetime. In most cases victims of abuse will need in-dept counseling to discuss the truth behind destructive behavioral patterns that they have used to mask their pain. Most of them are so ashamed of the fact that the abuse occurred, that it’s hard for them to open up and talk about it. A trained professional can ensure that a young victim feels comfortable enough to share her innermost feelings.

4. Lack of affirmation from either parent. To affirm means to approve, support, or positively confirm. It is natural for a child of any age, and even adult children to desire the approval of their parents. When that desire is left un-fulfilled in girls, they begin to seek other means of affirmation such as peers and boys. For instance, if a young girl has never been hugged by her father or father figure, she may eventually seek physical attention from boys in her classroom, which often leads to promiscuity at an earlier age. Material goods are also used as a substitute for affirmation. The Journal of Consumer Research published a study performed on children, ages 8 – 16, which compared the relationship between low self esteem and materialism: "By the time children reach early adolescence, and experience a decline in self-esteem, the stage is set for the use of material possessions as a coping strategy for feelings of low self-worth". According to researchers, Dr. Deborah John and Lan Nguyen Chaplin, small gestures, to raise self worth, effectively decrease the need for material things.

Unfortunately, many parents either don’t know what affirmation is or have no idea the impact it has on a child’s self esteem. The parents that never received affirmation, as children, grow up to repeat that same mistake. Some think that just because they didn’t receive affirmation – and they turned out “ok”, their children don’t need it. Other parents get so busy or preoccupied with work, life, and everyday cares so much that they forget to express love and support to their children.

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Regardless of the reasons for lack of affirmation, its’ effects can cripple children emotionally, consequently, creating the inability to be intimate with others. They began to feel anger, fear, ignored, and ultimately, invisible. The Antidote: The act of affirmation is simple; it can be expressed in multiple ways. Getting physical is a good start. Holding, kissing, and hugging go a long way towards making children feel special. You show tenderness and caring attributes when you are physical- this is very important for parents who are strict disciplinarians. Rules without “relationship” leads to rebellion. In other words, if you’re always enforcing rules, and being critical without balancing that behavior with love and quality time, you child is sure to rebel one day. Affirmation creates a bond of emotional attachment which can exemplify unconditional love and acceptance – especially if it’s done after an act of discipline. It’s not enough to be at home or in their presence; giving them your undivided attention and listening to them are also vital in expressing affirmation and validation. You may not always agree with what they are saying, but if girls know that they’ll be heard, they’ll want to share their feelings more. This is an important step in helping you to understand some of the choices they make as they get older. If you shut them out continuously, they will learn that they can’t trust you with their feelings or that their feelings don’t matter because you won’t listen.

Symptoms: 3 personality types that suffer from low self

esteem

Based on the fact that there are different personality types, low self esteem affects each person differently. There are specific behaviors that can be traced to certain dysfunctional events. Some obvious consequences of low self esteem are: lack of trust, depression, suicidal thoughts, poor eye contact, isolation, negative self talk, extreme passivity or extreme aggression, insecurities, continual focus on the past hurts or mistakes, addictive or compulsive behavior, inability to forgive and move forward. The list of symptoms could go on and on, but I want to highlight 3 common personality types that suffer from low self esteem.

Over doing it

Most people find it hard to believe that the overachiever who is compulsively driven to success is really hiding behind low self esteem. She is so driven by what others think of her and her need for continual approval that she neglects to take self care. She is never satisfied with what she accomplishes because of the belief that whatever she does is never good enough. The overachiever sets unrealistic goals. She shoots for the stars and often gets close enough to gain high accolades, but in her eyes, she failed again. Instead of

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celebrating accomplishments, she internally mourns her short comings. Some overachievers frequently brag about their accomplishments in order to cover up insecurities. The need to overachieve is birthed out of the need for approval due to being criticized, never receiving positive feedback from loved ones, rejection, and neglect.

A dear friend’s daughter had severe skin allergies when she was young. Her skin was dry, itchy and visibly scarred. As a result, she was teased by her classmates. Eventually she outgrew the allergies, but the residue of the teasing that she experienced was still there years later. As a result, she grew into an overachiever. She “needed” to make perfect grades or she was extremely disappointed in herself. She once cried for several days after receiving a 3.9 grade point average on a 4.0 scale- scary. That’s 1 tenth of a point away from perfection.

A few of the thought processes (personal truths) of the overachiever include:

• Perfection or bust • I’m never going to be good enough • There is no time to relax and have fun, I must work work work • I'll do anything to make everyone happy • I must fix everyone else’s problem • It is more important to be liked by everyone than to address my personal needs • I shouldn’t hurt or offend anyone • If things fail it will be my fault.

Hey there lonely girl

The loner has a tendency to feel different and socially inept, so she would rather be alone. Loners are usually avid readers, writers, daydreamers, and eaters. Yes, she makes food her “friend” and finds more comfort in eating than being with her peers. Since she finds comfort in being alone, she can handle those tasks that require extended isolation from others. Because she is easygoing and low maintenance, she is capable of collecting many friends, but her fear of rejection keeps her from ever knowing this.

The “loner” personality can be birthed out of rejection due to visible physical differences such as birth defects, being overweight, or being in the minority: all of these can lead to teasing or bullying. It is also birthed from a feeling that your background or home life makes you different or unable to fit in to what is considered “normal”.

A few of the thought processes (personal truths) of the loner include:

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• I don’t fit in; I’m an outsider • People can hurt you, so stay away from them. • I don't deserve to be loved. • Reject them before they reject me. • I won’t let anyone know how I really feel, because then they will take advantage of

me • I fear not being accepted • I will avoid any involvement with those who appear to be pushy, nosey, or

interfering. • I feel ignored, unsupported, and rejected

Rebel with a cause The bully is also a victim of low self esteem. She has a need to focus on someone else’s weaknesses in order to take the focus off of her weaknesses. It makes her feel better about herself to think that someone else is worse off than she is. The bully is a rebel that loves to challenge authority. She appears to be mad at the world, but she only chooses vulnerable individuals to act out on. She can also be considered a low achiever. To the world, she appears to be strong and courageous, but internally, she feels powerless and out of control, due to circumstances that she can’t control. The “bully” personality is birthed from the need for acceptance and security. At some time in a bully’s life, they may have felt unwanted (rejected), powerless, and physically threatened in a situation where they had no control or couldn’t fight back. Aggression towards others is their way of fighting back. A few of the thought processes (personal truths) of the bully include:

• No one is going to tell me what to do • No one loves me • No one understands me • Attack or be attacked • Don't ever let anyone take advantage of you • Everyone in authority is wrong • Don't trust anyone!

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III Process of Recovering from low self esteem

Whatever the reason low self esteem has occurred in a girls’ life, it can be reversed so that healing can begin, and she can begin to enjoy the life that was destined for her. Although the reason the low self esteem exists may not be her fault, it is her fault if she chooses to continue to live in a broken state for the rest of her life. Every individual has the power to change their perspective on life- as long as they are breathing. Obviously, young girls will need to be coached into changing the direction of their life, but ultimately, the decision to change and the effort to change must be theirs. With your guidance, they can overcome any perceived obstacle.

Step 1: Acknowledge

We’ve all heard it before: the 1st step to getting help is to acknowledge that there is a problem. Many times we hold on to our pride and fear of appearing vulnerable by refusing to admit our true feelings or denying that there is a deeper problem. Acknowledgement allows one to get honest and recognize that something is wrong. It is a soul searching mechanism which starts the process of internal truth. A good way to initiate the process of acknowledgement in a young girl is to get her to answer the questions “who, what, when, where, and why”, right after she has exemplified questionable behavior. For example, if she gets in trouble at school for teasing, her answers should look something like this: Who – me What – teased a classmate by calling them stupid and dumb When - after a spelling test Where – at school Why – I felt stupid and dumb after taking the test and teasing others made me feel better In a perfect World, you would get a specific answer to “why” but in reality, getting an answer, like the one above, will require some probing into their feelings. It’s common for young girls to not be in touch with their innermost feelings; therefore you may need to ask questions such as: Why did you tease her?” Do you really feel that she is stupid or dumb? How did the teasing make you feel? Has there ever been a time when you felt stupid or dumb?” What happened to make you feel stupid and dumb?” The answers to all of these questions will spark more conversation and give you insight into any interna l or external conflicts that she may have. It may help you to discover areas that you need to improve upon in your relationship with her and others.

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Sometimes it’s easier for her to acknowledge her true feelings if she knows that she is not the only ones in the World struggling with the problem. In this instance, you may want to start off by telling a story of a time when you were teased or when you teased someone and how it made you feel. Do your homework and find memoirs of real life heroes that overcame some of the challenges that your young ones may face. For instance, No Excuses by Kyle Maynard is a great book for children that are physically handicapped. It is the life story of a young man that was born without arm or legs who became a wrestling champion. If a book is too challenging for their age level, you may be able to find a newspaper article, an interview, or a blog entry about the individual. If you experience difficulty getting your young ones to acknowledge a problem with low self esteem, it’s possible that they’re not ready to change, or you have not gained enough of their trust so that they’re ready to confide their feelings with you. Either way, there’s not a lot that you can do to change that situation. Continue to love and support them while exemplifying the best example of healthy self esteem that you can.

Step 2: Forgive

To forgive means to grant a pardon or release the expectation that a debt must be repaid.

Everyone will need to be forgiven of something throughout their lives because none of us are perfect. When we hold a grudge, we hurt ourselves more than our offender. It’s been said, that un-forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your offender to die. Un-forgiveness creates a bond that keeps the victim tied to the ir offender because the victim continually replays the hurt and the anger all while desiring answers to questions that they may never have the opportunity to ask. Un-forgiveness holds the victim hostage to their past hurts and makes it impossible for the victim to move on and experience a better life for themselves. For those reasons and more, it is important for you to encourage forgiveness in young hearts.

Three Acts of forgiveness worth mentioning

1. Encouraging girls to forgive those individuals that have offended, hurt, abused, or rejected them is vital. Depending on the nature and severity of the offense, this can be a huge step. It will be hard for them to imagine forgiving anyone that has repeatedly hurt them, therefore, you need to explain what forgiveness is and isn’t. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the offender is worthy of gaining the victim’s trust. Forgiveness does not mean the victim should continue to put themselves in a position where the offender can continue to hurt them (in some cases, it may even be necessary for the relationship to be severed). Forgiveness simply means that retribution is no longer an expectation for the harm that has been caused. The grudge and anger is no longer there. You can use practical terms to help a young victim understand that hurt people go around hurting other people; offenders hurt others because they’ve been hurt by someone else.

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2. It may also be necessary for girls to forgive their parents and recognize that

they too are human and subject to make mistakes. As previously stated, parents are the products of their own childhoods – good, bad, or ugly. They grow up and pass the ir misfortunes on to their children. Forgiving parents allows children to acknowledge their parents’ right to be imperfect humans. If you are a parent that was raised by parents with low self esteem, forgiveness is the best place to start reversing the problem so that you don’t continue to pass low self esteem on to your daughter.

Some girls may find it difficult to forgive their parents. If so, help them to find out as

much as possible about their parents’ backgrounds . Understanding the connection between their parents’ upbringing and their own childhoods will help them to forgive. Was there abuse, neglect, or rejection? Were they adopted? Was there an unhealthy sibling rivalry that scarred them? However they were raised, you can bet it plays a major part in how they are raising their own children.

An effective way to demonstrate forgiveness is to have the child to write a letter to their parents expressing everything that they’ve always wanted to say but never felt like they could. This will allow them to get some things out in the open and clear their minds. Be sure to have them state specifically what they are forgiving their parents for. It’s not always necessary that they give the letters to the ir parents- it’s more important that they get in touch with the pain and anger that they may feel towards their parents.

3. Lastly, it is just as important to forgive self. Most young victims find a way to accept some or all of the responsibility for their misfortunes. They mentally replay the incidents and try to fill in the blanks with “what if I had done this” or “what if I had done that”. You can explain that there are things that happen to everyone that may or may not be within our control. Regardless, it is important to not dwell on the past, because we can’t change it, but to learn from mistakes and move forward with life. I remember taking responsibility for my parents’ poverty when I was growing up. Because I was always growing and needed new clothes and I had to eat everyday, I somehow made our family’s lack of money my fault. As an adult, I’m making attempts to learn from my parent’s mistakes. I strived for a higher education so that I could earn more. I’ve also made a habit of saving and paying cash –whenever possible, to avoid credit card interest rates. As a result, my children are benefiting: they have everything they need and probably a little more.

Step 3: Changing personal truths

Every single one of us has a personal truth that tells the world what we really think about ourselves- sometimes negative, sometimes positive. Our personal truth is what we continuously say to ourselves when no one else can hear us, but everyone else can see

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the results. This is important because it affects every area of our lives. Personal truths eventually become our reality, in one form or another: “as a man thinks, so is he”. Our thoughts eventually become words. Words eventually become actions, and actions dictate reality. A girl that suffers from low self esteem usually has a negative personal truth that she believes about herself. In order to change that persona l truth, it’s very important that you help her to discover what her personal truth is. What does she think about herself? What is her internal dialogue? Some girls are readily able to give this information if asked. Others may not be aware that they are victims of their own thought process and need help to uncover the truth. A great way to help them discover personal truths is to write down several descriptive words, negative and positive, and ask them to describe themselves by circling the ones that describe how they feel about themselves. Some examples of descriptive words are: smart, funny, ugly, pretty, fat, dumb, stupid, friendly, nice, jealous, etc. After you have discovered how they feel about themselves, begin to challenge their negative thought processes by asking questions such as: Why do you feel this way? When did the negative feelings begin? What incidents have occurred to make you feel a specific way? Now it’s time to help them change their thoughts into positive, motivating words. For instance, if a girl thinks she is dumb, you can verbally encourage her to do her best everyday. You can also write positive words such as smart, capable, intelligent, and wise onto index cards and posting them in places where she will see them on a regular basis, i.e. mirror, notebooks, lockers. Lastly, you can help her to compile a list of past successes or times when she felt smarter and encourage her to review them everyday until she feels confident.

10 Things you can do to boost a girl’s self esteem (in no order of importance)

1. Speak words of love and encouragement daily. It is important to show them support and acceptance. Even if you don’t always agree with the way they do things, you can show acceptance for their unique selves. Pay more attention to the small things that they get right, more so than the mistakes that they make. Take notice of any improvement in grades, conduct, behavior, and even their hygiene. You can always find something to compliment if you try.

2. Regularly show affection by hugging and kissing - even if they think they’re too old for it. It won’t hurt if you do it, but it can be damaging if you don’t do it. Physical affection demonstrates the love that you verbally express. It also paves the way for a lifetime of nurturing and intimacy with others – including their future spouses.

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Healthy touching creates an atmosphere of warmth and trust between you and your children.

3. Help them to find something that they are good at, and support their efforts to use their unique talents- whatever they may be. You may not always like their choices, but recognize that their strengths may be different from yours, and you can’t live your life through them. There are so many different hobbies and extra curricular activities that they can explore. Consider their personality and whether they are athletic, artistic, or technical when deciding which activities to indulge in.

4. Help them to imagine a future and set goals based on who they are and what their interests are. Lack of purpose or “drive” can often lead to living an unfulfilled life. This includes providing community service, being active in church, setting academic goals, setting financial goals, or working towards a challenging career. Young children can find purpose and meaning in their lives with your help. For instance, if your middle school daughter decides she wants to attend a prestigious dance academy after high school, you can assist her in researching the entrance requirements. Then have her to create a list of how she will accomplish the requirements – one by one, before applying. Setting goals will help her to remain focused and stay out of trouble.

5. Spend quality time with them by participating in activities that they are interested in. Just because you like the Museum of Natural Sciences, doesn’t mean they should like it. It’s good to force them to try new things, but be willing to compromise on an occasional outing, by allowing them to choose the venue. Having choices and having their opinion heard fosters their individuality.

6. Don’t try to change the core of who they are . Accept their hobbies, their likes, dis-likes, basic fashion sense- within reason, the way they walk, the way they dance, and the size of their nose. All of these things help to make them an individual and it is very important that you validate their unique beings. If they are criticized at home, not only will not accept themselves, but their personal truths will be easily influenced by their peers –whether good, bad, or ugly.

7. Show up for activities that they are involved in. It helps your relationship and it shows that you value them as a person when you are willing to take time out of your day to render your attention to their interests. Seeing you cheer at a soccer game or dance recital makes them feel like they matter to you. It’s impossible to feel important if everyone is too busy to care about what matters to you.

8. Establish clear boundaries and set expectations . The act of discipline is an act of love. It involves setting limits and setting consequences for the limits that are broken. Kids may not always act like it, but they really do appreciate the rules and boundaries that keep them safe and help them to grow into respectable adults. It shows that you care about them and what happens to them when you provide behavioral limits.

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9. Encourage them to focus on the beauty of being unique as opposed to conforming to standards of beauty that have been set for them by media, peers, and other outside sources. Let them know that it’s human to not like everything about themselves, but they can fully accept their bodies love themselves. Help them to find at least 1 physical feature and 1 feature of their character that makes them feel beautiful.

10. Listen and give you undivided attention when they are talking. It’s not enough for you to be physically present. It’s more important that you can focus on them when they need an attentive ear. The worst thing you can do is refuse to give them your attention while they are trying to express to you how they feel or what happened at school today. If you are busy and cannot stop what you’re doing, ask them to come back at a specific time so that they can benefit from your full attention.

Bonus: Don’t pity them or make excuses for them to remain sub par or mediocre. Teach them that they can overcome and achieve any goal regardless of their misfortunes. Whether they are handicapped, fatherless, have limited financial means, live in a “bad neighborhood” or etc, they can become anything they dream about. Help them to find examples of others that have come from similar situations as theirs, but still managed to achieve their dreams. IV Famous esteem building and motivational quotes It’s not enough to discover and capture negative thoughts. They must be replaced with positive, uplifting words each time an opportunity presents itself to challenge the current belief system. The sub-conscious mind is more powerful than we know. Whatever one believes in their heart eventually becomes what they think. Whatever one thinks eventually becomes what they talk about, and what they talk about eventually becomes their reality. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Below are some worthy quotes that can be used to change one’s thought process. Anyone suffering from low self esteem and negative thoughts can print these, replace “you” or “ I “ with their name (wherever applicable) and repeat them daily until their personal truths change and they begin to think and feel differently about themselves.

Food for thought “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." ~Albert Einstein

"If I am not for myself, who will be?"~ Pirke Avoth

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“The tragedy is that so many people look for self-confidence and self-respect everywhere except within themselves, and so they fail in their search." ~Dr Nathaniel Branden

"Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality." ~Les Brown

"It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes." ~Sally Fields

“Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~Harvey Fienstein

"The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others." ~Dr Sonya Friedman

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others." ~Sidney J. Harris

"The greatest success is successful self-acceptance." ~Ben Sweet

"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can't accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through." ~Rosalyn Smith Carter

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." ~Benjamin Disraeli

"Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong." ~Peter Mcintyre

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly." ~ St. Francis De Sales

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~ Judy Garland

"Self-trust is the first secret of success." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson "The most important opinion you have is the one you have of yourself, and the most significant things you say all day are those things you say to yourself." ~ Unknown Author

"Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look

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for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them." ~ George Bernard Shaw

"If we did all we were capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." ~ Thomas Edison

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V Highprincess.com presents Character & self esteem building games

Distributed by http://www.highprincess.com for entertainment purposes.

The High Princess Society sends fun, entertaining, and inspirational Princess Mail Packages to girls (5 - 11) all over the United States.

The mission of HighPrincess.com is to re-enforce morals and standards of self-respect that parents should already be modeling at home. No one can instill those values in children as well as parents and loved ones. Starting the process

early will give girls the foundation that they need for the rest of their lives.

The activities in this booklet are intended for use by girls, ages 5 – 11. They are suitable to be used at Birthday Parties, Girl Scout Meetings, Church functions, and anywhere else kids gather to have fun! This booklet is also appropriate for building trust, bond, communication, and team-manship among athletic teams, cheerleaders, dance teams, and other groups where conflict and competition arises among team members. Through cooperative games, children learn to share, to empathize with others, to be concerned with others' feelings, and to work together and get along better. The activities will force the participants to really think about some of the choices they make in life, and empathize with those that are affected by their choices- including themselves. While the purpose of the activities is to build self esteem, character, teamwork, and empathy, most of them are disguised as pure fun. Her Royal Presence Purpose: The purpose the following activities is to help girls to develop a positive self image. As they write about themselves, they discover unique positive qualities while creating the assurance that it’s okay to self –affirm. It also helps them to discover and appreciate the talents in others as well. Materials: paper, pencils, markers, poster boards (optional) Upon arriving at the gathering, have participants use the letters of their 1st name to write their own royal introduc tion – announcing their presence. The introduction should be positive and may contain character and physical traits that they like about themselves. Younger girls may need help finding the right words. Have an adult to read each introduction (grandeur style) one by one, before allowing the participant to take her seat. After the introduction is read, the participant should take a princess bow (curtsey) and go to her seat. Example: “Hear ye, Hear ye. I now present to you Lady Ceilia, who is Cute, Empathetic, Interesting, Lovable, she has Integrity, and most importantly she likes apples.” Lady Ceilia must then take a bow, and go to her seat while the rest of the royal court applauds.

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Go Me Go This is a variation of Her Royal Presence. Instead of having the participants write their own introduction, they can write a cheer about their positive attributes, and perform it in front of the group, complete with movement. Campaign Another variation of Her Royal Presence is to have the participants pretend they are running for Mayor of their school or neighborhood, and write and deliver a campaign speech highlighting why they would make a good Mayor. Beauty Pageant Purpose: The purpose of the following activity is to help girls to develop self esteem through harmless competition. As they walk the line, girls get a chance to show off graceful skills. The more turns they take walking the line, the better they become at it, and the more confident they’ll become. Materials: tape, book, tiara, music (optional) Use a piece of tape to make a straight line, approximately 6 feet across the floor (should be floor that the tape can stick to). Have each guest place 1 foot in front of the other to walk the straight line, with a book on their head. The winner gets to wear the tiara until the next person does it without loosing their balance or dropping the book. Throughout the duration of the party, contestants can earn more turns to walk the line by winning other games. To add variation: play random music while contestants walk to the beat (fast and slow mixed), or have contestants to turn around (graciously) at the end of the line, and walk back to the other end. Beautiful package, beautiful gift? Purpose: The purpose of this activity is to demonstrate to girls that their choices are sometimes made based on external attributes. But external appearances can be deceiving. Having nice clothes and beautiful hair doesn’t always mean that the person a beautiful on the inside. Materials: small items suitable for giving away, small gift boxes/ gift bags Before guests arrive, take several small gift boxes/bags and place a different item in each one – without anyone seeing the items. Gifts should have a variety of wrappings – some plain (such as a brown paper bag), and some beautiful. Use items light weight items such as: cotton balls, small rocks, $1.00 bills, lip gloss, and place 1 item each in them. Place

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the nice, more desirable gifts in the plain or ugly containers and place worthless gifts in the nicely wrapped boxes. Shuffle the boxes and have each participant take the box of their choice and open them 1 at a time. Participants should be allowed to keep the item in their box. Have everyone open the gifts at the same time and discuss a time when they did not feel good enough, based on the way they looked, or discuss a time when they overlooked the possibility of a friendship because of the way someone looked. The Royal Court Purpose: The purpose of this activity is to demonstrate how being excluded makes one feel. It also gives girls a chance to the impact of how they treat others based on shallow standards. Materials: paper, markers Divide the group into 2 groups: peasants and the royal court. Take the royal court out of the room. Cut the paper into strips, long enough to make headbands. Write a different title on each strip: Queen, Princess, Jester, Hand Maiden. Make a headband out of the paper strips by wrapping it around each person’s the head and stapling or taping it in the back. The group should not know their title; therefore, they shouldn’t speak to each other. Have the royal court to rejoin the peasants. While the royal court is out of the room, instruct the peasants how they are to treat each member of the royal court: Queens & Princesses: must be given respect by bowing and telling them how wonderful & beautiful, they are. Jesters & Hand Maidens: must be disrespected by ignoring and pushing them out of the way to get to the Queens & Princesses. After everyone on the royal court has had a chance to get respected or not, sit the participants down and allow everyone on the royal court to discuss how the respect or lack of respect made them feel. Discuss how silly it is to treat someone based on their title, their status, or the way they are dressed. Clicks Another variation of The Royal Court is to divide the participants into 2 groups: student body, and Teacher’s pets, and use titles such as home coming queen, star basketball player, chess club member, or hall monitor as opposed to the Royal titles. What not to wear Purpose: This activity demonstrates the behavioral types that are unacceptable in society.

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Materials: music, brown paper bags, paper, small (wearable) items that can fit into bags – lipstick, sunglasses, scarves, gloves, costume jewelry, hats etc. Write negative actions and emotions onto small pieces of paper (i.e. dishonesty, cheating, negativity, gossiping, hate, discrimination) and place 1 each in half of the brown paper bags. Place 1 item each, of the other small items in the other half of the paper bags. For instance, if there are 10 bags, 5 paper bags will contain 1 negative emotion, and the other 5 will contain small items that can be worn. Have participants sit in a circle. While music is playing, have participants pass 1 bag around until the music is randomly stopped (15 to 30 sec intervals). The person holding the bag when the music stops, must open the bag and wear whatever the bag contains. If the bag contains 1 of the negative emotions, that person is out of the game. Start the music again, and pass a new bag around.

Group Art

Purpose: This activity is demonstrates the communication and cooperation required for team work.

Materials: sheets of paper with simple drawings on them (i.e. stick man, the sun, stick house), blank sheets of paper, and markers.

Split participants into an even number of teams (4 per team or more per team works best) and have each team sit down in parallel lines with everyone facing the back of the player in front of them. Give the rear person in each line one of the sheets with a picture on it. Give the person in the front of each line one of the blank sheets of paper and a marker.

The goal of the game is for the team to communicate what the picture at the back of the line is to the person at the front of the line so she can reproduce it on the blank sheet. The trick is, nobody is allowed to talk and the original picture must remain with the person at the back of the line. The best way to communicate the information is for the person at the back with the picture to trace the picture on the back of the person in front of them. Repeat this process all the way up to the front of the line.

Once the player at the front of the line has finished drawing her interpretation of the picture, have her stand up and compare her drawing to the original at the back of the line.

Crossing Over Purpose: This reinforces the benefits of helping one another and working together as a unit. Materials: small mats or paper that can be taped to the floor

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Use the mats to make a line across the room. Space the mats far enough apart to make stepping from 1 to the next challenging. Pretend the group has become lost in an alligator- infested swamp! In order to make it out safely, the players need to cross one final section of swamp. They must only touch the mats – not the grass – or the alligators will eat them. The entire team must cross together from one side of the swamp to the other. If anyone touches the grass, the entire team must go back to the start line and try again.

Positive Chewing Purpose: The purpose of this activity is to reward positive thinking, while giving the participants time to reflect on everything that they have to offer. Materials: lots of chewing gum, pencils, paper Have each participant to write down a list of items that they like about themselves. At the end of 2 minutes, announce “pencils down- no more writing”. Allow participants to read the list aloud and give each participant a piece of gum for each item that they come up with. For instance, if their list has 5 items on it, they should have 5 pieces of candy or gum. After reading the list, participants must chew all of the gum at once. The winner is the person that has the largest wad of gum. Friendly Advertisements Purpose: This activity helps individuals see how others view them as a friend. It also helps them to empathize with their own friends and understand why certain aspects of their character are important when relating to others.

Materials: Magazines, Scissors, Glue, Construction paper, Markers, Pencils

Discuss the overall purpose of advertisements: to promote the positive aspects of a product, the finer qualities in order to persuade a person into buying the product.

Have participants come up with an advertisement that would persuade someone to be their friend. Participants should be able to use pictures and or words to depict the qualities that would make them a good friend to have. When the individuals are finished, have them to advertise their friendship to the group. If an individual has a difficult time thinking of reasons someone would want to be their friend, have them think of characteristics they look for in a friend.

Mena Mega (Name Game)

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Purpose: This game is great for a group of girls that already know each other’s names-so they aren’t confused by the scrambled versions. This is another game of self discovery used to help girls describe themselves in a positive manner.

Materials: Self stick name tags, safety pins, a prize

Upon arriving at the gathering, pass out name tags to everyone and ask them to take the letters in their name (first OR last) and scramble them to form a new name and write it on the name tag. Then make up a definition of the new name which describes a positive aspect of their personality. For example, the name "Ceilia" can become "liaeci"- and means friendly. Have everyone share what their new names mean and try to address each other by the new names throughout the entire gathering. Give everyone 2 safety pins to pin to their shirt and if they catch anyone using someone’s birth name, they can take a safety pin from them. The person with the most safety pins at the end of the gathering wins the prize.

The Miracle Box

Purpose: This activity opens individual’s eyes to the reality that everyone is special because of their uniqueness. Materials: a box (any size with a top), a mirror that will fit inside the box

Construct a "miracle box" which can be any kind of a box with a mirror adhered to the bottom to reflect the face of anyone who looks inside. Begin the activity by asking the group, "Who do you think is the most special person in the whole world?" After allowing the participants to respond individually, approach them 1 by 1 with the following chant:

“I have a magic miracle box Just for you and me Inside is a very special person Do you want to see?”

Give each participant a chance to look into the box after you ask them who they think they will see. Ask them not to yell out who was in the box before each person has a chance to look. Some girls may have to be coaxed, because they may not believe what they see. After all participants have had their turns, ask the group who the most special person was. After each client has had an opportunity to say "me," explain that the box is valuable because it shows that each of them is special. You may be asked how it is possible for everyone to be the special one. A discussion about each individual's uniqueness should take place.

The King’s Ball Purpose:

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This activity provides a cooperative, teamwork environment through positive interactive skills. This is great for girls that may have had difficulty working together in the past or girls that have had conflict between each other. Placing them on the same team will allow them to form a bond. Materials: dress up trunk / box containing shoes, shirts, blouses & dresses that may be worn over clothing, costume jewelry, ponytail holders, makeup. Form 2 teams that will compete against each other getting ready for the King’s ball. Line the teams up parallel to each other. To start the competition, the 1st person in each line, must practice dancing by turning around (fast enough to get dizzy) 10 times before going to the 1st station to get dressed.

• After practicing their dance, they must run to the 1st station, where their clothes, jewelry, and other accessories will be waiting for them. They must have on at least 1 clothing item, and at least 2 accessories before proceeding to the next station.

• At the 2nd station, they will find pony tail holders, bows, and other accessories to pull their hair back for the occasion. Hair must contain @ least 1 accessory before proceeding to the next station.

• At the 3rd station, they will find makeup for the occasion. Each participant must

put on lipstick and blush before the next person on their team can practice their dance (by turning around) and proceed to the dress up station.

• Team member number #1 must meet the next team member at the dress up station

to help her. After the team member #2 is dressed, team member #1 must rejoin her team at the end of the line, and team member #2 must proceed to the hair and makeup stations, before meeting the next team member at the dress up station to help her. Team member #2 will rejoin her team at the end of the line. This sequence continues until all girls have had a chance to get ready for the ball.

• The winning team is the 1st team that has all girls lined up, in the original order,

and fully dressed for the ball. Royal Scavenger Hunt Purpose: This activity provides healthy and fun competition, as well as a since of accomplishment. Materials: Provide several small gifts that are appropriate for goodie bags, and 1 grand prize for the winner. Give the participants an empty goodie bag and the following scavenger hunt clues to find the items that they will put in their goodie bags- for keeps. If possible, give everyone a

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different 1st clue so that they will start in different place to avoid congested traffic, or have 1 person do the scavenger hunt at a time, while being timed. The person with the fastest time wins the grand prize OR the person that finds the most goodies in the given amount of time wins.

1. Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? ( place the goodies in a bathroom sink (underneath a mirror) or on a dresser and tape the next clue to a mirror)

2. Rub a dub dub, 3 queens in a tub (place the goodies in the bath tub along with the next clue)

3. Tick Tock, the princess ran up the clock ( put the goodies on or near a clock along with the next clue)

4. Sugar and Spice and everything nice (put the goodies in a set of empty canisters- in the kitchen along with the next clue)

5. Old King Cole was a hungry old soul (place the goodies in the refrigerator or anywhere in the kitchen along with the next clue)

6. One, two buckle my shoe ( place the goodies in any closet- near shoes- along with the next clue)

7. Jack and Jill went up the stairs to fetch a bag of goodies ( place the goodies on or at the top of stairs along with the next clue)

8. Hot Cross buns ( place the goodies near a bread box along with the next clue) 9. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch the next clue (place the next

clue in the kictchen cabinets along with the next clue)

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VI Conclusion The truth is, no one is perfect and everyone is born, raised, and lives with a little baggage in their life. If your baggage is consuming your thought process and disturbs the way you live in peace with other people, it doesn’t have to be that way. You too deserve to live happily and healthily ever after. Make a commitment to do something about your baggage today. It is our prayer that this booklet has been a blessing to you and yours. If you have read this booklet and have a story to tell, we’d love to hear about it. Feel free to leave comments, thoughts, and suggestions at: http://www.highprincess.com/hpcontact.html.

References

Since this book is not all inclusive of every reason for low self esteem and every fix, I thought I’d add the main reference material that I used for my research, for anyone that wants more information.

McGraw, Phil (2001). Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out. New York: Simon & Schuster. Smith, Robin (2008). The Secret Lives of Teenage Girls. Harpo Productions: The Oprah Winfrey Show. Nadeau, Stacy (2008). Campaign for Real Beauty. http://dove.msn.com/#/connections/columns/Stacy.aspx[cp-documentid=7051383]/ Messina, James J. (1992). The Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous: The Sea’s Program Manual (A Tools-for-Coping Series Book) : Kendall Hunt Publishing Co.

Lan Nguyen Chaplin and Deborah Roedder John (2007). Growing up in a Material World: Age Differences in Materialism in Children and Adolescents. Journal of Consumer Research: December 2007.