EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - MORNING

STAN, KYLE AND KENNY wait in the snow for their schoolbus, holding their lunch boxes and debating.

KIDS(Singing)

School days school days, teacher’sgolden-

Kyle’s little brother, IKE, bounces into frame.

KYLE-Ah damn it, my little brother'strying to follow me to school again.

IKE tries to talk.

IKEBaBa Simi

KYLEIke, you can't come to school with me!

IKEBaBa Simi ba baa.

CARTMANYeah, go home you little dildo.

KYLEDude! Don't call my brother a dildo.

STANWhat's a dildo?

KYLEI don't know... and I’ll bet Cartmandoesn't know either!

CARTMANI know what it means!

KYLEWell, what?!

CARTMAN...I'm not telling you.

STANWhat's a dildo, Kenny?

Kenny talks, but we can't understand him through histhick coat.

KENNY

Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph mmr.

The boys all laugh.

CARTMANHA YEAH! THAT'S WHAT KYLE’S LITTLEBROTHER IS ALRIGHT!!

Suddenly, Kyle grabs Ike by the feet, swings him around,and bashes Cartman in the face.

CARTMAN (cont’d)OW!

STANDude that kicks ass!

KYLEYeah! Check this one out!

(to Ike)Ready Ike? Kick the baby

IKEDon’t kick the baby.

KYLEKick the baby.

Kyle kicks his brother down the icy road.

IKEWahhhhh!

Ike shoots down the road with a playful scream, andcrashes head first into a group of mail boxes.

Cartman yawns grotesquely.

STANWhoa, Cartman, looks like you didn'tget much sleep last night.

CARTMANThat's 'cause I was having these bogusnightmares.

KYLEReally, what about?

CARTMANWell, I dreamt that I was lying in mybed... In the dark...

INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE

Cartman is lying in his bed.

CARTMAN(V.O.)...When all of a sudden this brightblue light filled the room.

A bright light fills the room.

CARTMAN(V.O.)And slowly my bedroom door began toopen... And then the next thing Iremember, I was being drug through ahallway!

INT. ALIEN SHIP - DREAM SEQUENCE

Cartman is being dragged by his ankles down a dark,organic corridor like the one seen in 'Fire In The Sky'.

CARTMAN(V.O.)Then I was lying on a table, and thesescary aliens wanted to operate on me!And they had big heads... And bigblack eyes-

EXT. BUSSTOP - (REALITY)

The boys are listening to Cartman's story with wide eyesand open mouths. Even little Ike is enthralled.

STANDude! Visitors!

KYLETotally!

CARTMANWhat?

STANThat wasn't a dream, Cartman, thosewere visitors!

CARTMAN(Nervous)

No, it was just a dream. My mom saidso!

STANVisitors are real!

KYLEYeah, they abduct people and theymutilate cows!

CARTMANAh shut up, you guys, you're justtrying to make me scared, and it's notworking.

A large Chevy screeches to a halt. CHEF gets out of thecar and approaches the kids.

CHEFHello there, children.

KIDSHey, Chef.

STANWhat's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?

CHEFWell, today it's Salisbury steak withbuttered noodles and a choice of greenbean casserole or vegetable medley.

CARTMANKick ass!

CHEFSay, did any of you children see thealien spaceship last night?

CARTMANHUH?!

STANYeah, fat boy saw it!

CARTMANNo! Th-That was just a dream! And I'mNOT fat, I'm big-boned.

CHEF(To Cartman)

Oh, Was it the ones with the big longheads and the black eyes?

CARTMAN(PETRIFIED)

AH!

STANThey took him on their ship!

CHEFOoh... Did they give you an analprobe?

CARTMANAGH!

STANWhat's an anal probe?

CHEFThat's when they put this big metalhoop-a-joo up your butt.

KYLEWoa! They gave you an anal probe,Cartman?

CARTMAN(Defensive)

No! I mean... Uh... Why would they dothat?

STANDude, they DID huh? Aliens stuck stuffup your ass!

CARTMANNO!

IKEAna Pobe!

CARTMANSHUT UP, DILDO!

CHEFWell, I gotta get to the cafeteria.You children watch that fat boy now,he could be under alien control.

Chef turns to get back in his car and Cartman noticesthat the back of Chef's shirt has an EXACT image of thealien he saw, and the word 'Believe'.

CHEF peels off.

KYLEWe told you they were real Cartman.Sorry to hear about your ass.

CARTMAN(Extremely angry)

God Dammit, they didn't do anything tomy ass! It was just a dream!

The school bus pulls up and the boys start getting on.

KYLEWhy are you walking so funny, Cartman?

CARTMANShut up!

Little Ike tries to follow his brother onto the bus.

IKEI’ll bla bblaa blaa

KYLENo, Ike! Go home!

Kyle gets ready to kick his brother.

IKEBla Wa Wah

KYLE (cont’d)This is it!! This one’s for the game.

IKEBllaa aaahh haah

KYLEKick the baby.

Kyle kicks his brother through the school bus window, andIKE flies into a snowbank.

The boys quickly get on the bus. Ike pulls his head outof the snow and looks around for his brother.

INT. SCHOOL BUS - MORNING

The kids walk past their mean old bus driver, MS.CRABTREE.

STANGood morning, Ms. Crabtree.

MS.CRABTREESit down! We're running late!

Stan and Kyle walk to the back of the bus and take theirseats. Cartman and Kenny sit up a few rows. Kyle looksout the back window to see Ike still standing at the busstop.

KYLEDammit, he's still there!

STANOh, don't worry about him.

KYLENo, dude, if something happens to himmy parents are gonna blame me!

MS.CRABTREESIT DOWN BACK THERE!! AAHHHH!!!

STAN

Yeah, whatever you fat bitch.

MS.CRABTREEWHAT DID YOU SAY?!

STANI said I have a bad itch.

MS.CRABTREEOh.

Stan and Kyle sit down and the school bus moves on. Kyleturns around one last time to look at his brother.

KYLEOH MY GOD!!!!

EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

A group of VISITORS, with large heads and almond shapedeyes, surround Ike.

INT. - BUS

KYLE AND STANVISITORS!

Scared, Kenny pulls his hood shut.

KENNYMph mprmhpm bmarmphs!

KYLEIke!!!

EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

The visitors lead Ike to a large space craft hidden inthe trees.

INT. BUS

KYLESTOP THE BUS!

Kyle runs to the front of the bus.

KYLE (cont’d)Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop thisbus!

MS.CRABTREEDo you want an office referral?!

KYLE(SCARED)

No.

MS.CRABTREEThen sit down!

KYLEBut I....

MS.CRABTREEAAHH!!!

KYLEAAHHH!!!!!

MS.CRABTREE & KYLEAAHHHH!!!!!

Kyle runs to the back of the bus and hopelessly looks outthe back window again just in time to see the spaceshiptake off.

STANCartman, are those the same Visitorsyou saw?!

Cartman isn't looking. He still thinks this is all a bigjoke.

CARTMANShut up, you guys, it's not working.

KYLEWe have to do something!

STANWell, we can't do anything for now.That fat bitch won't let us.

MS.CRABTREEWHAT DID YOU SAY?!

STANI-I said that rabbits eat lettuce.

MS.CRABTREEOh...

(Pause)Well, yes, they certainly do.

Ms. Crabtree turns the schoolbus violently and thechildren go flying everywhere screaming.

KYLEWhat am I going to do? My littlebrother’s been abducted by aliens.

Stan farts.

KYLE (cont’d)You farted!

The kids laugh.

CARTMANSomebody’s baking brownies.

We see the alien space ship leave the planet.

EXT. CATTLE RANCH - DAY

CATTLE RANCHERThat’s the third cow this month, atthis rate all my cattle are gonna diebefore the Winter’s through.

The cows look up with concern.

OFFICER BARBRADYThis is nothing out of the unusual.Cows turn themselves inside out allthe time.

The cows shake their heads.

CATTLE RANCHERPeople been sayin’ they’ve been seeingUFO’s around.

OFFICER BARBRADYUFO’s?? Ha Ha.

CATTLE RANCHERYea, and black army CIA helicoptersand trucks.

OFFICER BARBRADYThat is the silliest thing I’ve everheard.

Just then black army helicopters fly by.

CATTLE RANCHERWhat was that?

OFFICER BARBRADYThat, that was a pigeon.

CATTLE RANCHERWhat am I supposed to do Barbrady?Just stand here and watch my cattleget mutilated one by one?

We see the aliens with grass in their hands whistling tothe cows

CATTLE RANCHER (cont’d)Hey, my cattle!! You see there issomething funny going on.

OFFICER BARBRADYThere’s nothing funny going on. I’llget those cows back.

INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

MR. GARRISONAnd now children, our friend Mr. Hatis going to tell us about ChristopherColumbus.

Mr. Garrison has a ridiculous little puppet on his righthand that wears a striped hat.

MR. HATThat’s right Mr. Garrison.Christopher Columbus discoveredAmerica, and was the Indians bestfriend. He helped the Indians wintheir war against Frederick Douglas,and, and freed the Hebrews fromNapoleon, and discovered France.

KYLE(TO STAN)

Oh man, I can't just sit here! I haveto help my stupid brother or I'll comehome without him and my dad will startyelling - "Where's your brother,Kyle!" "You weren't looking out foryour little brother Kyle!"

STANOkay, okay, let's ditch school and gofind him-

KYLE"You know he can't think on his own,Kyle. Brush and Floss, Kyle!" "Wherehas that finger been, Kyle?!"

STANDUDE!

MR. GARRISONIs there a problem, boys?

KYLEYes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.

MR. GARRISONOh really, Kyle? What is it this time?

Another prostate tumor?

KYLENo, my little brother has beenabducted by aliens.

Mr. Garrison stares blankly at Kyle.

KYLE (cont’d)It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave himan anal probe!

Cartman looks around at the other children, extremelyembarrassed, and finally forces a little laugh as if tosay it's all a little joke.

CARTMANUhh.. Huh, huh... That’s a littlejoke.

Kyle steps to the front of class.

KYLEMr. Garrison, seriously, I HAVE to go!Can I PLEASE be excused from class?

MR. GARRISONI don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr.Hat?

Kyle looks down at the stupid puppet on Garrison's hand.

KYLEI don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'masking YOU!

MR. GARRISONOh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.

KYLE(SIGHING)

Mr. Hat, may I please be excused fromclass?...

Mr. Garrison shoves his puppeted hand violently in Kyle'sface, and changes his voice.

MR.HATWell Kyle, NO! You hear me? You goto hell, you go to hell and you die!

MR. GARRISONHmm, guess you’ll have to take yourseat, Kyle.

KYLEDammit!

CARTMANHa, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you!

Just then, Cartman farts a HUGE fireball.

CARTMANAAAGHH!! Ow, my ass!

STANDamn Cartman!

He farts another fire ball.

CARTMANOW! OWWW MY ASS!!

KYLEDude, he’s farting fire!

STAN(pointing to Cartman)

It’s the alien anal probe! It’sshooting fire from Cartman’s rectum!!

CARTMANNo, that was just a dream!

Cartman farts another flame.

MR. GARRISONEric, do you need to sit in the corneruntil your flaming gas is undercontrol?

CARTMANNo, Mr. Garrison. I’m fine.

Cartman farts a HUG fireball which burns PIP, a littleenglish boy.

PIPOWWWW!!!!!

The class watches as their classmate runs out in flames.

ACT II

EXT. TRAIN CROSSING - DAY

A train is passing by and the cows are standing in linetrying to get on.

TRAIN ENGINEERHey, you cows can’t get on this train,this is a people train. You cows haveno business on a people train,

alright, ‘cause you’re cows.

The cows stare at the engineer.

TRAIN ENGINEER (cont’d)No, no no, don’t try any of that cowhypnosis on me alright, ‘cause it’snot going to work!!!

Just then, Officer Barbrady drives up with his sirens on.

OFFICER BARBRADYHold it right there cows.

Cows start to stampede away from Barbrady.

OFFICER BARBRADY (cont’d)Come back here!

INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

The kids are all in line for lunch. Cartman farts a hugefireball.

CARTMANOOOOWWWW!!! Ooh, I sure am hungry.

STANHow can you eat when you’re fartingfire?

CARTMANShut up, dude. You’re being totallyimmature.

KYLEHey look! There's Wendy Testaburger!

STANWhere?

Adorable little WENDY TESTABURGER steps into the lunchline. ZOOM in on Stan who is absolutely in love. LittleHearts form all around his head - and Tchaikovsky's'Romeo and Juliet' swells up.

The other boys see Stan's reaction and laugh.

CARTMAN (cont’d)(Singing)

Stan wan-ts to ki-ss Wen-dy Testa-burger

STANShut up Fat Ass! I don’t even likeher!

CARTMANI'm not fat - And you obviously likeher, because you throw up every timeshe talks to you!

STANI do not!

Wendy walks up to the boys.

WENDYHi guys.

KYLE AND CARTMANHi Wendy.

WENDYHere Stan, this is for you.

Wendy hands Stan a note.

Stan VOMITS VIOLENTLY all over himself.

WENDY (cont’d)Ew!

KYLE AND CARTMANBye Wendy.

Wendy walks away.

KYLEDude, what does the note say?!

Stan opens the note and reads it.

STANHoly crap! it says she wants to meetME at Starks Pond after school.

KYLEWhoa, maybe you can kiss her.

CARTMANOr slip her the tongue.

KENNYMmmph mrrr mff Mrmmph

STANWhat? How do you know she has a cat?

After a painfully long pause, the boys all laugh.

CARTMANI get it.

KYLEC’mon you guys, we need to figure outhow to get out of school so we can getmy little brother back!

The boys make it to the front of the line, where Chef ishanding lunch trays to the boys and girls.

CHEFHello there children.

KIDSHey, Chef.

CHEFHow are you doing?

KYLEBad.

CHEFWhy bad?

KYLEChef, have you ever had somethinghappen to you... But nobody believedyou?

CHEFAw, children, children, that's aproblem we've ALL had to face at sometime or another. Here, let me singyou a little song... It might clearthings up.

Music swells up.

CHEF (cont’d)(SINGING)

I’m gonna make love to you woman,gonna lay you down by the fire - Andcaress your womanly body, make youmoan and perspire,

STANAh Chef, Chef.

CHEFGonna get those juices flowin’

STANChef

CHEFWe’re making love gravy, love gravy,

STAN

Chef!!!!!

CHEFLove, love, love.... GRAVY!!!-

STAN-CHEF!!

The music stops.

CHEFHuh, do you feel better?

KYLENo!

CHEFOh, come on children, what can be sobad? It's Salisbury steak day!

STANVisitors took Kyle's baby brother.

CHEFWHAT?!

Chef runs around the counter and kneels down by the kids.

CHEF (cont’d)(Whipsering)

Well what the hell are you doing inschool, eating Salisbury steak?! Gofind him, dammit!

STANMr. Garrison won’t let us out ofschool. He thinks we’re making it up.

CARTMANYou ARE making it up!

Just then, Cartman farts another fireball. But this time,a long, metal object emerges from his ass. It opens likea robotic eye and looks around.

STANWoa!

CARTMANWhat?

The eye looks around, blinks, then closes itself and zipsback into Cartman’s ass.

KYLEThat was cool!

Chef spins Cartman around and looks at his ass.

CHEFIt’s some kind of sembiodicmetamorphosis device. This could meanthe visitors want to communicate withus!

CARTMANOh, I see, now YOU’RE going to join inon the little joke, huh?

CHEFIt’s no joke children, this is big!

KYLE(pleading)

Please Chef, if I don’t get out ofschool and get my little brother backfrom the aliens, my parents are gonnadisown me.

Chef thinks for a second.

CHEFAh, hold on now... You got to helpthe children!

CARTMANYou guys sure are going a long way totry to scare me. I WANT MY SALISBURYSTEAK!!!

Chef pulls the fire alarm.

CHEFFire Drill!!! Fire Drill, everybodyout. Okay children, this is yourchance.

The boys all take off.

STANKiller, thanks Chef.

CHEFMan oh man, first contact with thealien visitors. I’ve got to getmyself ready...

EXT. LITTLE TOWN - SOUTH PARK

Kids are singing.

KIDSWe got out of school... No more schooltoday...We got out of school.

Cartman farts a fire ball.

CARTMANOHHHH - YOU GUYS, MY ASS!! SERIOUSLY.

STANOkay, Cartman, you can stop fartingfire now.

CARTMANI would if I could you son of a bitch!

KYLEOkay, so how do we get my littlebrother back?

CARTMANWould you stop going on about yourlittle brother?! I KNOW it was just adream! I KNOW I didn't have an analprobe! And I KNOW that I'm not underalien control!!!

Suddenly, there is a loud BZAP!!! Cartman's expressioncompletely changes.

His eyes widen - and his mouth curls into a false smile.Strange 30's music starts to play from nowhere andCartman starts to sing (although his voice isn't his own)

CARTMAN (cont’d)(Singing)

I love to sing-a! About the moon-a andthe Juna and the spring-a! I love tosing-a!

Stan and Kyle look on, perplexed.

CARTMAN (cont’d)About a sky of blue or a tea for two.

Just as suddenly as it started, the music stops andCartman goes back to his normal self. The boys all stareat each other. Cartman looks absolutely baffled.

STANWhat the hell was that?!

KYLEHe is under alien control. That thingin his butt is linked up to the

visitors.

CARTMANOh, son of a bitch.

ACT III FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

CARTMANYou guys shut up, I’m not under aliencontrol.

Kyle walks up to Cartman's ear and starts screaming init.

KYLE (cont’d)HEY!! IF YOU VISITORS CAN HEAR ME --BRING ME BACK MY LITTLE BROTHER GODDAMMIT!

CARTMANOw! That hurts, you butt licker!

Suddenly, a small alien scout ship flies by.

STANKYLE, LOOK! It's them!

Kyle picks a rock up off the ground.

KYLEGIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!

Kyle throws the rock at the UFO. DING! The UFO stops andfires a yellow ray at the boys.The ray hits Kenny, and blows him back several yards.Kenny lands with a horrible bone breaking CRUNCH!

STANOh my God!! They killed Kenny!

KYLEYOU BASTARDS!! COME BACK HERE!! COMEBAAAAACK!

But the little UFO's disappear into the sky.

KYLE (cont’d)DAMMIT! We were so close!

STANHey, look - I think Kenny’s okay!

Kenny manages to pick himself up off the ground. He lookspretty bad, but he might be-

Just then the cows come stampeding through and run overKenny.

KENNYMff mrrr mph

VWOOM!! Officer Barbrady’s car races through frame andruns over Kenny.

The boys walk over to Kenny's bleeding body.

STANWow, poor Kenny.

KYLENow do you believe us Cartman?

CARTMANNo!

STANCartman, they KILLED Kenny!

CARTMANHe’s not dead.

STANDude, Kenny is dead! See?!

CARTMANShut up, you guys.

KYLE(Pulling Kenny’s head off)

He’s DEAD, Cartman.

CARTMANGOD DAMMIT I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANALPROBE!!!

There is a long pause.

CARTMAN (cont’d)Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Cartman walks away.

KYLEGo on and go home you Fat Chicken!

CARTMAN(O.S.)

Dildo!

KYLEYou're all I have left, Stan.

STANSorry dude, I gotta go meet WendyTestaburger.

KYLEYou can't! Poor Ike must be soscared... Up there all alone... Yougotta help me dude!

STANDude, like Chef says, I gotta get apiece of loving while the gettin'shot.

Stan walks away.

Rats come into frame and feast on Kenny’s dead body.

KYLE (cont’d)Rats!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DUSK

Cartman walks into his house and is greeted by his overlypleasant MOTHER.

MRS. CARTMANHello Eric.

CARTMANHi Mom.

MRS. CARTMANHow are you doing?

CARTMANWell, I’m pissed off.

MRS. CARTMANHere, I made you powder doughnutpancake surprise.

CARTMANI don't want powder doughnut pancakesurprise! All the kids at school callme fat!

MRS. CARTMANYou’re not fat, you’re big boned.

CARTMANThat’s what I said.

MRS. CARTMANYou can have an eency weency bit can't

you?

CARTMANNO!

MRS. CARTMANJust a weency eency woo woo.

CARTMANNO leave me alone mom!

MRS. CARTMANHow about a nice chocolate chicken pot-pie, then?

CARTMANWhat? Well that does sound prettygood.

Cartman sits down at the couch and turns on the T.V.

CARTMAN (cont’d)Uh, Mom?

MRS. CARTMANYes, hon?

CARTMANIf anybody calls or comes over - I'mnot here, okay?

MRS. CARTMANSure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofstoo?

CARTMANYea I want Cheesy Poofs!

EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON

Stan and Kyle are standing at Stark's pond.

KYLEWell, looks like she's not gonna showup, Stan. Let's go look for thevisitors now.

STANBut her note said she'd be here!

WENDYHi Stan.

Wendy appears from frame left. Stan immediately vomitsall over himself.

WENDY

Ew!

KYLEYou can't talk to Stan, Wendy, hethrows up when you do.

WENDYBut why Stan?

Stan vomits some more.

WENDYEww!

KYLELook, could you guys just get down tobusiness so we can go find my littlebrother?

WENDYHuh?

KYLEJust make sweet love down by the fire.

WENDYWhat happened to your little brother?

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON

Cartman is still busy eating and watching T.V.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

A TV REPORTER stands out in a random wheat field.

TV REPORTERAs the reports of UFO sightingsincrease, more mysterious crop-circlepatterns are appearing in fields allaround South Park. These crop cirlces,when viewed from above, form strangepatterns...

ZOOM OUT to show a huge crop-circle that looks EXACTLYlike Cartman.

RESUME - CARTMAN ON COUCH

CARTMANHey, that kinda looks like... TomSelleck.

TV REPORTER (O.S.)Could it be that aliens are trying tomake contact with us here on Earth?

Just then, Cartman’s cute little kitty, KITTY, walks upand looks at him innocently. The kitty MEOWs.

CARTMANNo Kitty... This is MY pot-pie.

The cat meows again.

CARTMAN (cont’d)No kitty! Bad Kitty!! No Kitty, thisis MY pot pie!!! MOMM!!! Kitty'sbeing a dildo!!

Cartman's mother appears from the kitchen.

CARTMAN’S MOMWell then I know a certain kitty kittywho’s sleeping with mommy tonight.

CARTMANWhat?

EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON

Kyle is finishing his story to Wendy.

KYLE...And now I have to go home withouthim and my parents are going to haveme killed!

WENDYWell, why don't you go get the fatkid?

KYLEWhy?

WENDYWell if the fat kid has somethingimplanted in his ass, maybe thevisitors are using him as part oftheir plan. You should use the fat kidas bait to bring them back.

KYLEHey, you're right Wendy! C’mon Stan,We have to go get Cartman!

WENDYC'mon Stan!

Stan vomits.

WENDYEwwww!

STANHey wait, when do I get to make sweetlove?

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

CARTMANNo Kitty!! You can't have any!!

The cat puts its paw up and meows cutely.

CARTMAN (cont’d)NO KITTY! THIS IS MY POT-PIE! BADKITTY!!

Cartman farts a fireball onto his cat. The cat runs away,on fire, making horrible sounds.

CARTMAN (cont’d)Oh, excuse me, kitty.

Cartman's mother opens the door to reveal Stan, Kyle andWendy.

MRS. CARTMANEric, look who's here!

CARTMANDude, WEAK mom!

KYLECome on, Eric, we're going to go playat the bus stop.

CARTMANI can't- My mom says-

MRS. CARTMANThat's okay, Eric. I think you need tospend time with your little friends.

CARTMANBut mom, I don't want to spend timewith my little friends.

MRS. CARTMANDon't be difficult, Eric. Now you goout and play in the fun snow.

CARTMANGod Dammit!

The burning kitty races through frame.

EXT. REMOTE LOCATION BY A TREE - NIGHT

Stan ties a rope to Cartman's ankle. Kyle ties the other

end to a nearby tree.

CARTMAN(EXTREMELY NERVOUS)

You guys, I have to get home.

STANDon't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman!This rope will make sure they can'ttake you on board again.

Wendy, Stan and Kyle walk over to some bushes and crouchdown, leaving Cartman all alone in the darkness.

Cartman stares up nervously at the starry, ominous sky.

CARTMANOh man, this sucks.

KYLEHow come the visitors aren’t comingfor him?

STANI think we need to signal the themsomehow.

Cartman farts and a flame lights up the surroundings.

CARTMANOWWWWW!

WENDYHey, he’s like rudolph!

KYLEYeah all you have to do is fart somemore, Cartman, and the visitors aresure to come.

CARTMANReally? Uhh.. I don't think I have tofart anymore tonight.

KYLESure you do!

STANCome on, Cartman! Fart!

CARTMANI don't wanna...

STANHe can't hold it in forever.

KYLE

Fart Damn you!

CARTMANOkay!! That does it!!! Now listen!Why is it that everything today hasinvolved things either going in orcoming out of MY ASS?! I’m sick of it!It’s completely immature!!!

Suddenly, the metal rod emerges once again from Cartman’sass.

STANHey! It’s happening again!

This time, the rod looks around, then expands, andexpands, folds over onto itself and expands again, untilfinally an eighty foot satellite dish is sticking out ofCartman’s ass.

KYLEWoa! Look at that!

STANNow do you believe us Cartman?!

Cartman glances quickly at the dish.

CARTMANYou guys can’t scare me! I know you’remaking it all up!

STANCartman! There’s an eighty-footsatellite dish sticking out of yourass!

CARTMANSure you guys, whatever.

The dish powers up with a low hum and a huge yellow beamof light shoots out from it like a searchlight.

EXT. OUTER SPACE

The beam of light emulates from Earth and shoots outwardsinto space.

EXT. CHEF’S BACK YARD

Chef is dressed in party clothes and sunglasses. He issitting in a lounge chair out on his front lawn. He has alittle sign that reads ‘Welcome Visitors!’

Chef notices the big bright light.

CHEF

Oh, boy! The aliens are going to makefirst contact!

Chef swigs a beer.

CHEF(Shouting)

Hey, down here! We are ready for yourwisdom!

(Checking his watch)And you only got twenty minutes beforeSanford and Son is on!

RESUME - FIELD

CARTMANYOU GUYS! I AM SERIOUSLY GETTINGPISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! I KNOW THERE’SNO SUCH THING AS ALIENS!!

Just then, a HUGE alien mother ship drops down from thesky directly above Cartman. It is quickly followed byseveral scout ships.

CARTMANOH, GOD DAMMIT!!

Mr. Garrison is driving by and stops when he sees all thecommotion.

MR. GARRISONWhat the? I tell you, there is somecrazy stuff going on in this town.

Mr. Hat pops up.

MR. HATYou can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

KYLECome down here you stinkin’ aliens!

Five aliens beam down, and instantly appear in front ofStan, Kyle, and Wendy. The kids are really scared.

STANGo on, Kyle, ask them for your littlebrother back...

KYLE(Tenderly)

V-Visitors...This morning you took my brother, Ike.He's the little freckled kid thatlooks like a football...

The Visitors stare at Kyle.

KYLE (cont’d)At first I was happy you took himaway... But I've learned somethingtoday; that having a little brother isa pretty special thing.

STANYeah...

Violin music swells up.

KYLEAw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kidall alone in this crazy world, but ifyou could just find it in your heartsor whatever you have to give mybrother back to me, it sure would makemy life brighter again

Kyle bows his head down and starts to sob.

STANThat was beautiful, dude.

KYLE(still looking down)

Did it work?

STANNope, they’re leaving.

KYLEHEY YOU SKRAWNY ASS (BEEP)-HEADS!

The visitors turn around.

KYLE (cont’d)WHAT'S THE (BEEP) IS WRONG WITH YOU,YOU (BEEP) LITTLE (BEEP). YOU MUST BESOME KIND OF (BEEP) TO BE ABLE TOIGNORE A CRYING CHILD.

Stan is absolutely shocked.

STANWoa, dude.

KYLEYOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE!? I BET YOU'DALL LIKE TO (BEEP) YOUR OWN (BEEP)WHILE SHE (BEEP) ON YOUR (BEEP)(BEEP)!!

STANHey Wendy, what’s a (BEEEEEP)

Wendy shrugs.

Suddenly, a large door on the alien mothership opens. Ikeis entombed in some sort of alien machinery. He is beingspun around and is shocked with all sorts of alienelectricy but generally looks as happy as he always does.

IKEBlaa Ba Wah Wahh

KYLEIke! Jump down now for the love of GodIke, JUMP!!!!

IKEBo ham me!

Just then, the herd of cows comes running in The cowscome to a screeching halt RIGHT IN FRONT of the aliens!Their poor little cow eyes grow wide and they start toshake.

The visitors stare at the cows. The cows shiver, theyhave nowhere to run. Finally, one of the visitors raisesits hand in a Vulcan-like gesture.

VISITORMoo.

The cows all look suprised.

VISITORMooo. Moooo. Mooo.

SUBTITLES: “Greetings, Cows of Earth. We come in peace.”

The cows all look at each other. Finally, one cow makes anoise.

COWMoo?

SUBTITLES: Really?

Meanwhile, Kyle and the kids are still trying to get Iketo jump down.

KYLECome on, Ike! I promise I’ll be niceto you from now on!

IKEDon kick da bebe!

The visitors continue to moo at the cows.

VISITORMoo. Moo. Moo.

SUBTITLES: We have experimented with all the beings ofEarth, and have learned that you are the most intelligentand wise.

CARTMANWhat the hell are they talking about?!

COWMoo. Moo, moo?

Subtitle: Why did you turn some of us inside out?

The visitors look at each other.

VISITORMoo, moo, moo. Moo.

Subtitle: “Oh, that was Carl’s fault. He’s new.

Another visitor steps raises his hand in the background

VISITOR CARLMoo. Moo.

Subtitle: ‘Yeah, sorry about that. My bad.’

KYLEIke!!!!!

The visitors hand over a small clear obelisk and place iton the ground in front of the cows who just stare at it.

VISITORMoo, moo, moo. Moo.

Subtitle: Take this device. It is a gift from us.

Kyle stands underneath his brother who still won’t jumpdown.

KYLEIke! Do your impersonation of DavidCaruso’s career.

IKEIt’s my tun!

Finally, Ike jumps from the machine and lands upside downin the snow.

The large satellite dish collapses and disappears backinto Cartman’s ass.

VISITORMoo, moo, moo. Moo.

Subtitle: Farewell, cows, peace be with you.

The visitors disappear and beam up to their ship. Alight shines down on Cartman down and sucks him up.

CARTMANYou guys! Get me down from here!!

Flames shoot out of Cartman’s ass in a flaming fart. Theflames burn the rope and Cartman goes shooting upwards.CARTMAN FLOATS UP INTO THE SPACECRAFT. ONCE INSIDE, THEHATCH CLOSES AND THE SHIP TAKES OFF. IN THE DISTANCE, THEKIDS CAN HEAR CARTMAN.

CARTMANHeeeeeeelp..... Sonns a bitcheeees!!DIIIIILLLLLDOOOS!!

With the UFO gone, the forest is silent once again.

STANI'm sure glad that's over with.

KYLEYeah, boy am I glad to see you, Ike!

IKEOh he fly at the sky.

EXT. CHEF’S BACK YARD

CHEFWait, where are you going Alienvisitors? Come back!!!

LADY #1Well chef, where’s this amazing thingyou’re going to show us?

CHEFWell, it’s in the bedroom ladies, comeon in.

CUT TO:

KYLEC’mon Ike, we can make it just in timefor dinner.

Kyle and Ike walk away, leaving Stan and Wendy alone.

STANThanks for your help, Wendy.

WENDYWhatever, dude.

STANHey I didn't throw up!

WENDYCool!

Stan and Wendy move closer as if about to kiss...closer... closer... And finally - Stan vomits all overhimself and Wendy.

WENDY (cont’d)Ew!

STANSorry.

WENDYHey look! A french fry!

STANCool!

WENDYAnd what is that?

STANI think its part of a Cheesy Poof.

WENDYHey, what’s that?

Wendy and Stan continue to identify food stuffs in Stan'svomit, silhouetted against a full moon.

FADE OUT.

EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

Stan and Kyle wait for the bus.

STANGee, the bus'll be here any minute andCartman still isn't around.

KYLEYeah, we're running out of friends.

STANI wonder what that thing was thevisitors gave the cows?

The cows graze peacefully. They have their little objectwith them.

Officer Barbrady walks in.

OFFICER BARBRADYHa ha cows, I got you cornered. Let’ssee you get away now!

One of the cows steps on the object that the aliens gavethem and a ray shoots out and hits Officer Barbrady whobegins to dance and sing (although his voice isn't hisown) the way Cartman did when he was under the aliencontrol.

OFFICER BARBRADY (cont’d)(Singing)

I love to sing-a! About the moon-a andthe Juna and the spring-a! I love tosing-a! About a sky of blue or a teafor two.

The cows jump up and down gleefully.

RESUME- BOYS AT BUSSTOP

SUDDENLY, CARTMAN DROPS FROM THE SKY AND LANDS WITH ADULL THUD INTO THE SNOW.

STANOh, hey Cartman!

Cartman moans. The school bus pulls up.

KYLEWow, Cartman, the visitors dropped youoff just in time to go to school!

CARTMANOh man, I had this crazy nightmarelast night...

STANReally? What about?

CARTMANWell, I was standing out in a fieldand I had this HUGE satelite dishstickin’ outta my butt. And thenthere was hundreds of cows and aliens,and then I went up on the ship andScott Baio gave me pink eye.

STAN

That wasn’t a dream Cartman. Thatreally happened!

CARTMANOh right, why don’t have pink eyethen?

KYLECartman, you DO have pink eye!

Sure enough, Cartman’s eyes are a bright shade of pink.

CARTMANAh son of a bitch.

FIN