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Building a Marriage with a Mission

Thinking biblically about marriage and life

The First of Three Building Blocks – The Class

Topic Date Teacher(s)

Biblical Foundation for Marriage

3/22 Mark Irvin

Communication 3/29 Phil Shields

Roles/Expectations/Intimacy 4/12 Scott Murray

Forgiveness 4/19 Mark Irvin

Sex/Family Planning 4/26 Ted Coniaris

Dealing with a Sexually Saturated Culture

5/3 Mark and Parvine MacDonald

Finances 5/10 Dave Hanson

Marriage on a Mission 5/17 Jeff and Jill Walser

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Getting to know each other …

WHAT IS YOUR STORY?

Get with one other couple and share your story.How you met.When did you know they were the one?…

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Building Blocks – 2 and 3… Mentor/Pastoral Counseling (if wedding is

done by a WBC pastor: 2-3 sessions) Foccus Process – Assessment Tool

Reviewed initially with your mentor couple, and then with your pastor if he is from WBC

Read and Discuss on your own: “When Sinners Say I Do” by Dave Harvey

Meet with the Pastor performing your ceremony

Community Commit to a Community Group of people that will

encourage you to grow closer to Christ as you seek to live out His mission for your marriage.

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Building Block 1 - Laying a Foundation You may think the most important question we will ask

you is: Why are you getting married?

Before we get there – we need to answer another question … What do you believe about marriage? Write down the top 3 things you believe about

marriage. Think about this at 2 levels - Macro and in micro. Complete the sentence - Marriage should be ___________. Complete the sentence – My marriage should provide

_______ for me. The way you think things should be is the basis for

your world view and your view about marriage.

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What is Culture saying about Marriage?...

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What is culture and this generation saying?... How is your view of

marriage different than your parents?

What do you believe about life and marriage if you are in your 20’s?…

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Marriage for 20-somethings… What do you think

about marriage and parenting?

Why get married? Why not get married?

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Huffington Post – Reasons to never get married… 1. “Because not married is not all alone…”

It means you're living your life with friends, lovers, sisters, brothers, neighbors and co-workers. You're just not living with a spouse. … You don't need to be married to have all the things marriage is supposed to give you -- a life rich with experience and intimacy.

2. “Because love is a mystery.” “And marriage … is a contract… I neither want nor

need my love defined in business or legal terms.”

3. “Because real security comes from being known for who you are and cared for no matter what.”

“Feeling known and adored by the people around you – be they lovers or co-workers or chums – provides the greatest security of all. And you don’t need a spouse to rely on.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/no-marriage-reasons-not-getting-married_n_4117611.html

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Huffington Post – Reasons to never get married…

4. “Because you can break up. “…whenever we've hit an especially rocky patch

(as all couples do) it's been a relief to know there's nothing holding us together except our desire to make it work. We're at liberty to break up in an instant if things become unbearable.”

5. “Because you can always get married next year. Or the next. Or the year after that.”

“We're not sure what might prompt us to desire legal accreditation, but we remain open to the possibility.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/no-marriage-reasons-not-getting-married_n_4117611.html

Marriage is in decline – by the numbers*

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Babies – in 1970, 89% of all births were to married parents, today 60% are… a 30% swing. By age 25, 44 percent of women have had a baby, while only

38 percent have married. Sixty percent of unmarried births are to women in their twenties.

Married – in 1960, 72% of American adults were married. In 2008, only 50% were.

Marrying later – In 2010, the average ages of people when they first marry was 28.9 for men and 26.9 for women.

Living together – today, ½ of all people live together before getting married… By their late 30’s, 60% of all women have lived with someone. Chris Rock – there are 2 options – single and lonely… or married

and bored. Divorce rate is nearly twice what it was in 1960…45-50%

Greatest risk – married before 18, dropped out of high school, had a baby before being married…

*The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller

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But is marriage really on the rocks? If you have a college degree, have a decent

income, are religious, marry after 25 without having a baby first – very low chance of divorce.

Married men earn 10 to 40% more than single men with similar education and job histories.

61-62% of marriages say they are very happy 2/3 of the unhappy ones become happy within the

next 5 years Children who grow up in married, two parent

families have 2 to 3 times more positive life outcomes than those who do not.

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Back to you and your view…

Rate your parent’s marriage on a scale of 1-10 How does their marriage excel and fall short?

Think of a peer or good friend that is married – rate their marriage. How does their marriage excel and fall short?

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3 Things to Form a World View*…

How it is supposed to be? How are things not as they should

be? What’s the answer to get back to

how things should be?

*Taken from Tim Keller’s Book – Every Good Endeavor

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Why are you getting married? Top 5 answers

Love “We want to serve together.” “They complete me.” “The best advise I ever got was not to marry someone you

think you can live with the rest of your life... marry the one you can’t live without.” (from link on prior page)

“I would let them know that you see your fiancé as your life partner, best friend, person you want to have your future with/kids with.” (from link on prior page)

Why might these answers fall short? They focus on what you can get out of marriage.

Have you changed in the last 5 years? Will you change in the next 10 years? Next 20?

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Some likely focuses in Life and Marriage

1. Happiness Wealth is likely part of this because many

people think you need money to be happy.2. Be a good Christian, have a good marriage

and the 4 bedroom house, 2.5 cars, picket fence…

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Why do I exist? A better question –

Why are you alive? What is the purpose of your life? Westminster Catechism:

Q. 1. What is the chief end of man?A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God,[1] and to enjoy him forever.[2]

1 Corinthians 6:20; 10:31. For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.... Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.

Revelation 4:11. Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

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What does the Bible say we should expect to happen in life and marriage? Eccl 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all

the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun- all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

What are 2 take-aways from this verse? Marriage should be enjoyed. Life will be hard.

“Most marriage problems are not really marriage problems. They are God problems.” Francis Chan, You and Me Forever

Life Expectations

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What do these verses have to do with Marriage? Matt 25:20-23 The man who had received the five

talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.' 21 "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' 22 "The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.' 23 "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

Ultimate goals…

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3 likely focuses in Life and Marriage for people coming to church

1. Happiness Wealth is likely part of this because many people

think you need money to be happy.

2. Be a good Christian, have a good marriage and the 4 bedroom house, 2.5 cars, picket fence…

3. A view of the eternal – Helping our spouse to hear “Well done good and faithful servant.”

Focusing here will revolutionize your marriage.

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Marriage View revisited A mixing of world views

My World View about

Life and Marriage

Bible’s View About

Life and Marriage

Culture’s World View about Life and Marriage

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What does Jesus say about our relationship with God? Matt 10:27-29 Do not be afraid of those who kill the

body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.

And in Proverbs? Prov 19:23 The fear of the LORD leads to life: Then

one rests content, untouched by trouble. If we don’t have a reverence for God and what His

word says about life, life will only be about our happiness -- a marketed world view.

Your view of God and your relationship with Him drastically influences your world view…

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What do we believe? We believe that… Every marriage is meant to be enjoyable,

fulfilling, and energizing. God can make any marriage great but it will be

hard work. The easiest and best place to get under issues is

early on in a marriage. God has 3 purposes for each and every marriage:

To reflect the Gospel The good news of Jesus

To demonstrate what a covenant relationship looks like

To provide a relationship of great joy that helps get us ready for heaven.

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The Gospel and Marriage What’s the Gospel (good news)? The Christian world

view… How it is supposed to be?

We were created to live in relationship with God and enjoy Him. How are things not as they should be?

We chose to break God’s laws for living with him – Sin. We chose independence over submitting to God.

What’s the answer to get back to how things should be? God became one of us in the person of Jesus. God paid the penalty for my sin by dying in my place. I can be back in relationship with God if I accept His payment

and seek to submit to Him. If I’m in relationship with God, my job is to help others see how

they can be in relationship with Him. What’s your world view?

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The Gospel and Marriage … Each of us is at one of 3 points. Where are you?

A) Pre-decision to accept Christ’s work on the cross.

B) Accepted Christ, but not walking closely or growing.

C) Accepted Christ and trying to follow Him. What difference does it make in Marriage?

Your world view of life drastically influences what marriage is to be about and how you go about doing it.

A B CGrowing Closer to Christ

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Purpose #1: Marriage is Designed to Reflect the Gospel to the World. Eph 5:25-33 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved

the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

(NIV)

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But why Marriage? Why do a husband and wife come together? Gen 2:20-24 So the man gave names to all the

livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,‘ for she was taken out of man." 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The Goal is to become one flesh.

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Mirror images In the best

marriage, there are 3 people… The two of you with

God inside you, helping you to become one.

Mirrors the Trinity

Father

Son Holy Spirit

Man Woman

GOD

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Purpose #2 – Demonstrate a Covenant Relationship One flesh …

What does one flesh look like?

Our greatest desire: to be fully known and still fully loved. But we have a problem … Gen 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they

realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. (NIV)

Covenant marriage Has unconditional love at the core – based on a promise made

Contract marriage Has conditional love at the core – based on how the other person

does

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Purpose #3 – To Provide a Relationship of Great Joy that Prepares Us For Heaven

Your spouse is designed to be your spiritual best friend and to captivate you… Prov 5:19 A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her

breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Eccl 9:9-10 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun- all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

How long is eternity? How long is marriage?

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Purpose #3 – To Provide a Relationship of Great Joy that Prepares Us For Heaven

What’s the goal in the end? Eph 5:27 … and to present her to himself as a radiant

church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Your job in marriage is to support the transformation that Jesus wants to do in your spouse’s life. Only marriage is “hot enough” to bring out the worst

parts in your character. This will include things you wish it didn’t.

The divorce rate - We have been led to be it is 50% In reality it is much closer to 25% or less You can make it!

Family Life Survey – 5 things I wish I had known before Marriage

1. Marriage is not all about you.2. You are about to learn a painful lesson – you

are both very selfish people.3. The person you love the most is also the

person who can hurt you the deepest.a) There will be points where this is very hard and

you will be tempted to think about quitting.

4. You can’t make it work on your own.a) You need to be in awe of Godb) You need community

5. Never stop enjoying each other.www.familylife.com

A short video… http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7D7ZWNN

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For Discussion What hit you most from today? Why do you think so many couples focus so

much time on getting ready for the wedding, rather than getting ready for marriage?

How do you think most engaged couples would answer the question “Why are you getting married?”

What has influenced your world view of marriage the most?

Are you worried about being a marriage casualty?

Discuss with your fiancé/potential spouse what concerns you the most about what we have talked about today.

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Thinking about God… Our most important thinking!

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Trusting God

Is God good?1Is God loving?2

Is God all-powerful?

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Is it reasonable to trust a good, loving, all-wise and all-powerful God?

5If it is reasonable to trust God, why don’t I do it?

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Is God all-wise?

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20’s– shaping elements and beliefs How do you look at

life? You have grown up

under the threat of terrorism.

You have seen institutions like the Catholic church let you down.

You have lived through a long global recession…

You are optimistic about being able to change the world

Pushing the Vision The first mission of marriage: Personal Transformation

Only marriage is “hot enough to bring out the worst parts in your character.”

We too easily embrace the world’s vision … A test … Do you believe the Bible is the vehicle to make us holy (more

like Christ)? Do you believe God wants you to spend time in the Bible

together (as a couple)? Do you believe, compared to many other things in life, reading

the Bible together is easy? Did you read the Bible together 2 or more times in the past

week? We say we want oneness, but we don’t practice the

disciplines that bring it about… The trajectory for your marriage starts now …

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Huffington Post – 6 reasons to never get married… Answers are just a google away…1. “Because not married is not all alone …”

It means you're living your life with friends, lovers, sisters, brothers, neighbors and co-workers. You're just not living with a spouse. … You don't need to be married to have all the things marriage is supposed to give you -- a life rich with experience and intimacy.

2. “Because love is a mystery” “And marriage … is a contract… I neither want nor

need my love defined in business or legal terms.”

3. “Because real security comes from being known for who you are and cared for no matter what.”

“Feeling known and adored by the people around you – be they lovers or co-workers or chums – provides the greatest security of all. And you don’t need a spouse to rely on.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/no-marriage-reasons-not-getting-married_n_4117611.html

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Huffington Post – 6 reasons to never get married…

4. “Because you can still have the ring.” When one of my friends turned 40, she registered for a

bunch of household items and threw herself an unbridal shower. …Because it turned out, after my boyfriend and I had been together five years, I found myself yearning for something surprisingly traditional: a tangible symbol of our connection, something I could have with me at all times, something I could touch.

5. Because you can break up. “…whenever we've hit an especially rocky patch (as all

couples do) it's been a relief to know there's nothing holding us together except our desire to make it work. We're at liberty to break up in an instant if things become unbearable.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/no-marriage-reasons-not-getting-married_n_4117611.html

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Huffington Post – 6 reasons to never get married…

6. “Because you can always get married next year. Or the next. Or the year after that.”

“We're not sure what might prompt us to desire legal accreditation, but we remain open to the possibility.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/no-marriage-reasons-not-getting-married_n_4117611.html

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Did one of you ask this? FROM:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071211072359AAt5qc1 What are some good reasons to get married? I’m getting married soon and we have to meet with the pastor who

will be marrying us. I know that he is going to ask us why we want to be married. Both of us are shy and timid and I do not want to choke up and say the only reason is because we love each other. Which don’t get me wrong is a very important component. But I’m sure that he is expecting more. And I truly do not want him to think we are not ready. I love my fiancé and I would take a bullet for him. But how can I put that into sophisticated words so the pastor will think we are ready. You may be thinking that if we can’t find the words then maybe we aren't ready but yes we are. We just are both very shy when it comes to confrontation and we can't express our feelings in an uncomfortable situation. Please give me some reasons that the pastor would approve of. :)

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Key Passages to read about Marriage

Homework 1 Corinthians 13 Ephesians 5:21-33 1 Corinthians 7:1-17 1 Peter 3:1-7 Proverbs 5:1-17

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Becoming an adult… If you are a typical 20

something, how do you define what makes an adult?

Emotional maturity - 57% Being married – 2% Financial Independence –

20% Career stability – 5% Parenthood – 5% Finish education – 2% Legal age – 6% Pursuit of dreams 5%

Scary Facts 50% of first marriages end in divorce 67% of second marriages end in divorce 74% of third marriages end in divorce

Along the way, we are going to discuss some of the pot holes… Finances, Sex, Communication, Forgiveness …

Specific lie to understand today … Avoiding the economics of marriage… The world says if I get more than I put in, I’m

doing ok. Bible says – we love in spite of … unconditionally www.divorcerate.org

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God’s Intent for Marriage

Christ and His Church Husbands & Wives Reflecting Christ

Christ loves His Church - Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wife - Eph 5:25

The church responds to Christ’s love - 1 Jn 2:15-17

Wives, respond to husband’s love - 1 Pet 3:1-6

Christ sacrificially gave Himself for the church to redeem her – Gal 1:14

Husbands, sacrificially love your wife and cultivate purity in her – Eph 5:26, 27

Never ending, eternal love – Jer 31:3

‘til Death do us part – Mark 10:2-12

No other gods – Ex 20:3 Forsaking all others – Ex 20:14

Committed to His own – Heb 13:5 Covenant of companionship – Gen 2:24

Christ dies for us – Rom 5:8 Lay down life for friend, wife – Jn 15:12-14

Forgiven by God – Eph 1:7, 4:32 Forgive on another – Eph 4:32

• A Christian home is established by God to reflect His love, purity and patience.

• Marriage is a covenant commitment and companionship between three persons: a man, a woman, and God…

An integrated relationship/home

MARRIAGE

LIFE PURPOSE

SEX

FAMILY/ KIDS

An integrated relationship/home – or a non integrated one

MARRIAGE

LIFE PURPOSE

SEX

FAMILY/ KIDS

Marriage for the wrong

reasons – no focus on marriage

Sex without relationship

and commitment

Best case: Kids are a nuisance –

worst case abortion

Family gets the leftovers