Dear Commander-in-Chief

Happy happy,

I must admit it was cold out there, but thanks for bringing me back in. Your ring of steel is assured. I've got your back, like Obama has Israel's. There just a few loose ends that need to be bound and gagged but otherwise no one will touch you on the road to Mangaung.

Salute,Future Police Commissioner

Richard

Hi Jacob,

I thought about tweeting you this birthday wish, but let’s face it I’m much more of a rock star than you are. BTW MaKhumalo is really funny. You should follow her. So 70 hey? How does it feel? Have you had enough yet? You know I’m keen. Anyway, all the best – or worst… whatever.

Sincerely,Helen

Dear not-my-President,

Thanks for the flowers while I was in hospital. How did you know tulips were my favourite? Happy birthday. While I appreciate your “intervention” in my province, I think it’s time you call off your dogs now. It’s a little too much don’t you think? I can’t even access lunch money. Come visit some time. If not, see you in Mangaung.

Yours in the power struggle,Cassel

PS. Can you help me out with the insurance excess?

Dear Mr President,

While I stand by my recent criticism of your leadership, I am man enough to still wish you well on your 70th birthday. You really need to do something about Uncle Gwede though. I’m tempted to put a stop to his overdraft, if it will help. I know I speak for all business leaders as I wish you a happy birthday because, let’s face it, no one else has the balls to speak up. I’ve come in for a lot of praise in recent days and my stock price has risen quite nicely. I have you to thank for being, how shall we put this, less than competent. Some would say “incompetent” – I wouldn’tSome would say “useless” – not me.Some would say “dictator” – well…

Best wishes,Reuel

PS. If you need a loan, you know what to do.

Happy birthday Mr President,

This is probably the last time anyone calls you that on your birthday, so savour it. Gugu and I wish you well on your imminent retirement. Contrary to the T-shirts I have no designs on your presidency. I have no idea where Julius, the media and everyone else are getting this from, but that shit you pulled with the Top Six briefing – it wasn’t funny, cut it out. See you in Mangaung.

Best wishes,Kgalema Motlanthe

Hey Sthandwa sam’

Long time no see. Since you’re jetting off more than Thabo these days I thought I’d send you a card to say happy birthday. It’s hard to keep track of you so I’m following you on Twitter, but my love you’re really boring. That Helen Zille is so funny. You should be more like her. Hope you can find time soon for me, and our new brood of chickens.

Miss you. XOXOYour loving wife No. 1

Dear Comrade,

We've come a long way, so happy birthday and congrats on reaching 70. Who would have thought?

Back in the day our roads weren't littered with toll gates, our people were gainfully employed in the struggle and the alliance was tighter than a labour broker's ass. Now our people are unemployed and frankly, we're bored.

I hope we can work out our differences soon; for your sake before Mangaung. There are times when I feel we understand each other, but then there are times when I feel I need to crowd surf in the Jo’burg CBD to get your attention. What's the deal?

Anyway, see you in Mangaung or at the next toll gate.

Yours,Zwelinzima

Dear Outgoing President,

I know we’ve had our differences in the past… Ok, it was just last week. Sorry about that whole “dictator” thing. At 70 don’t you think it’s time you called it a day? As President I mean, not in life.

Give someone younger a chance. We could work on a rotation, you know Kgalema-Tokyo-Mathews-Fikile-Me. What do you say? Enjoy the festivities.I must have missed your invitation.

Lovies,Juju