you think you've got problems

8/2/2019 You Think You'Ve Got Problems

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YOU THINK YOUVE GOT PROBLEMS?

Pilot Episode

Mr. Depression

We hear a Jazzy type rap beat over the following rapid fire voice over:

V.O.

I dont know, I mean how many times am I gonna have to do this, you know. How many times?! I

justI just cant seem to do it. You know what I mean? I mean, its not like Ihavent tried, damn it. Ive tried, you know that right?

(pause)

Youve seen me try. On and on it goes. Where the hell does it end? These stupid dreams of mine.

When are they gonna stand up? Its like my life just seems to go pop, right? I

cant stand it. Wheres the important stuff? How many times have I talked about

the important stuff?

(pause)

Im in that bed every second now, you know, lookin up at that face. That face with the whitehat. It looks back and it says, excuse me, but you better make amends, because

its over. But, see, thats where it gets really weird, you know. Because, believeit or not, Ive died over sixteen times already.

EXT. PARK BENCH DAY

TONY is sitting on a park bench throwing peanuts to pigeons. Hes dressed very nicely and seems to be

enjoying himself. As the pigeons peck away, a PRETTY BOOKISH WOMAN sits down on the other end

of the bench with a book that she starts to read. Tony notices her. He makes a play to speak to her but,

terrified, does nothing. After a few deep breaths, he goes for it.

TONY

Nice day, isnt it?

The woman ignores him and continues reading her book.

(pause)

You know, pigeons are really cool birds. I mean people dont really understand them. Most people

call them rats that fly. (he laughs). I mean, thats the most ridiculous thing

because a pigeon

The woman, obviously irritated, gets up and leaves the bench. Tony doesnt see her go and continues

talking.

TONY

you know, the brown one was sick, but Ive been feeding him and hes getting better. So many

of my friends, they dont get the sense of a pigeons life because

He notices that she has left.

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3/17

TONY

See ya later.

A few moments go by and A PRETTY GIRL enters and sits down. She is a very cultured Latina, and isdressed in beautiful traditional Aztec garb, beads and braided hair. Tony looks at her and is very intrigued.

TONY

(Sheepishly) Its funny. I noticed your t shirt. Theres this great World Music group from

Paraguay (he over enunciates his Spanish) called Grupo De Caetilla. Theyre

playing down on the boardwalk if youre interested.

Tony smiles and wink winks at her, hoping shell want to go. She looks at him but says nothing.

TONY

Im sorry. Yo hablo espanol este minimal, un poquito. Comprende?

She looks at him perplexed. We hear a male voice call out from off.

O.S. MALE VOICE

Justine! Justine!

JUSTINE

Barry, Im over here, silly.

Justines boyfriend, an attractive alpha male enters, and sits down with his girlfriend next to Tony on the

bench, as though he isnt even there. They are all squeezed tightly together. Barry and Justine looklongingly into each others eyes and begin passionately kissing with Tony in the middle, caught between

them. The camera pans from the kissing couple to a CLOSE UP of Tonys face.

TONY

This life is so strange. So weird. And I guess its painful. Sometimes, I feel like Im not even here,

Im not really me. I feel like Im the host of a childrens fun show and my names

is Mr. Depression.

The screen dissolves, dreamlike, and comes up on the bright and gaudy set of Mr. Depression , a half

hour live childrens tv show. We hear theme music and see FUFF THE CLOWN dancing and singing.

SONG: Its time to scream, time to cry,

Time to wonder why oh why.

Its time for a session with Mr. Depression

So come on boys and girls!

FUFF(In his screechiest voice)

Hello boys and girls! Im Fuff. The clowwwwwwnnnnnnn! (in a super ridiculous long note being

held). Thanks for tuning in! YAY! Without further delay, lets hear some happy

clappy hands for your favorite host, and mine, MR. DEPRESSION!! YAY!!!

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4/17

Angle on Tony as MR. DEPRESSION. He is staring off into space, catastrophically depressed and

almost semi-catatonic, unshaven, unkempt and dressed in a ratty bathrobe. He looks off into space,

pensive while smoking a cigarette. He does not respond at all.

FUFF(Improvising nervously)

Mr. Depression, its SHOWTIME!!! Hello hello time. Hello there Mr.

Depression Yoo hoo!

(Fuff dumps the clown voice for a second)

Hey, Tony Tony. What the hell. Come on, man!

Mr. Depression comes out of it and puts out his cigarette.

Mr. D

Yeah, okay. Im sorry. (Starts to speak but falters). Jeez, I cant remember what

Im supposed to do. Fuff, what do I do? Do I sing here? That whole song about

sad things?

FUFF

Are you sad today, Mr. Depression?

Mr. D. Shrugs his shoulder and nods, yes.

FUFF

(to the camera)

Awww. Awww. Why are you sad, Mr. Depression? (Fuff looks offstage to the

director for help).

Mr. D.

Well, Im alone. Im lonely. Im all alone in the world. No sense of purpose. Im

not moving forward. My life is stagnant. You know what I mean, Fuff?

FUFF

Uh huh, I sure do. Thats sad. Youre sad! Well, you know Mr. Depression, its

time to introduce the boys and girls who are gonna be on our show.

Mr. D

Do I have to do that? Can you do that please?

FUFF

(sing songy) Nuh uh uh uh uh.

Mr. D grumbles and picks up a sheet of paper. Fuff blows an intro on kazoo.

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5/17

Mr. D.

Okay. Lets have happy clappyhands for our first Kiddie Kadet, Jimmy.

JIMMY (10, fat) enters to Bozo the Clown type music and jumps up and down. So does Fuff.

Mr. D

Jimmy is from Fort Lauderdale and his favorite food is spaghetti. Hey, kid.

JIMMY

Hi! How are you?

Mr. D.

Im not so good. Jimmy, I need to ask you a question and Im going to answer it

myself but I want to hear from you first. What was the most emotionally

crippling thing youve ever experienced?

Jimmy has no idea what Mr. D. means but tries to answer it.

Mr. D

(Interrupting Jimmy) Now dont worry, you dont have to answer right now. For

me it was a week and a half ago. It was a time of sorrow, self doubt and a

devastating lack of self reliance. See, Jimmy, its intimacy, see into me.

Mr. D. sings.

SONG: INTIMACYIntimacy, see into me.

Theres so much sorrow,

Gotta make it to tomorrow.

Mr. D. bows his head and everyone claps.

JIMMY

That was great, Mr. Depression!

Mr. D.

Yeah, I know, I know but what does it get me? Okay lets move on. Heres Suzy

from Long Beach, California.

Fuff kazoos and everyone claps as SUZY (9, pigtails) enters.

FUFF

(Sing songy)

Suzy, Suzy so much fun.

Suzy, Suzy, youre the one.

Bip bidi boop boop

We like you!

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Fuff is off to the side smoking a cigarette. He stomps it out and runs back in.

FUFF

Awww. You need some tissue?

He grabs some tissue and breaks into a dance.

FUFF

(Sung in a funky way) We shake it, we got it, we shake it, we got it, we shake

it, we got it got it, GOOD!

The kids break into a dance and join in

ALL

We shake it, we got it, we shake it, we got it, we shake it, we got it got it,

GOOD!

Mr. D dabs his eyes.

FUFF

Mr. D, theres more kids to introduce.

MR. D

Where?

FUFF

Heres the new kids, YAY!!

Fuff blows his kazoo and a boy and a girl enter, already grotesquely adult developed for their ages. Theydance and sing.

BOTH KIDS

(Sung together) Good time Charlie, good time Charlie, juggle those three balls,juggle those two balls, shoobie doop boopie doo!!

MR. D

What beautiful children.

GIRL

My name is Polly and Ive been watching your show for a long time! Watch

this!

She does an instant tantrum where she stomps on the ground and raspberries the camera.

MR D

Thats a beautiful purge of pent frustration and wonderfully stupid.

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8/17

The boy moves over and puts his arm around Mr. Ds shoulder. Mr. D freezes.

BOY

Hi, Im Vincent and I think youre the coolest of the cools.

MR D.

Youre hurting me. Youre hurting me.

He slides Vincents arm off his shoulder.

Polly moves to Mr. D.

POLLY

I want huggies, Mr. D.

Mr. D notices her tremendous cleavage.

MR. D

NO! No huggies today. We keep physical contact to a minimum. Just move overwith the rest of the children. There you go. That makes me happy. Im happy.

Its a hard happiness though and yet a scattered one. A sort of jaded miasma of

clunky happiness..nes. Okay, whats next, Fuff?

FUFF

Its time for Mr. D to look at his STOMACH!!

Fuff puts a chair in the middle of the floor. Mr. D sits in it and lifts his shirt, kneading his flab.

MR. D

Bellies like this, they dont go away. You have to work.

Mr D. puts lipstick around the belly button hole and makes it talk

MR. D

Oooh, hello there, ooh, how are you? Oooh. Oooh. Deedle dee deedle doo. Ooh.

(starts crying) I cant do this anymore.

FUFF

Mr. Depression. Surprise! Its time for junior gymnastics!!

The camera pans to Fuff as he goes berserk on a gym mat.

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9/17

FUFF

(singing)

Floppy.Slappy.

Happy jumpin finger snappyAngry. Grumpy.

Super hard left hook punchy!

Fuff punches himself in the face, knocking himself to the ground. All the kids run over to help.

JIMMY

Are you okay, Fuff?

FUFF

BACK OFF, MAN. IM SERIOUS!!

MR D

Alright, Fuff. Enough. Kids, kids, one at a time do a trick or flop around,whatever. Whos first?

SUZY

Im first, Mr. Depression, watch me!

Suzy does a trick and everyone claps. Jimmy goes next. Everyone claps.

VINCENT

I wanna go. Please, please please!

MR D.

Okay, go ahead.

Vincent does a lame cartwheel and goes into a furious wrestling stance. Fuff is interested.

FUFF

Oh, boy. Its wrastlin time!

Fuff goes to Vincent and throws him into a headlock.

VINCENT

No, no! Ow, ow! Stop, it hurts.

Suddenly, Vincent lays Fuff out with a reverse body slam. He pins Fuff to the ground.

FUFF

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10/17

OKAY, UNCLE, UNCLE, ENOUGH!!

JIMMY

Yay for Vincent!

MR. D.

Polly, I think youre next.

POLLY

Me, me, ME!! I wanna do fun things. I wanna spin, spin, spin!

She spins until she gets dizzy and grabs hold of Mr. D before she falls. Mr. Depression is petrified by her

huge breasts. He freezes. She starts to slide down his body.

MR D.

(Quietly tense and terse) Could youstand please. Step away from me, please.

His mouth clicks and he breathes irregularly as he deals with her sexuality. He peeks at her again andlooks away in horror.

MR D

Alright, thats enough gymnastics for today.

(Sings) Its Snack Time then Nap Time.

Fuff goes to a table and picks up a tray with four bowls on it. He brings them to Mr. D.

MR D.

Youve got your four basic food groups, and those are good. But youve also got

Fudgie Sludgies!

SONG: FUDGIE SLUDGIES

Youll be climbing up the walls,

Youll be diving to the ground,

Fudgie Sludgies have it all,

You can eat them all year round.

MR D.

Thats right, kids, Fudgie Sludgies, our number one sponsor.

He hands the kids the bowl and they start to eat.

JIMMY

Hey, this is just cereal !

MR. D

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11/17

No, Jimmy. This not just cereal. This is guk. And guk is good, you know. Its

chewy , chocolaty goodness packed in fudge filled blup. Its delicious.

The kids are repulsed by it. Mr. D is instantly crippled by the realization that they kids are unhappy. Hestarts to eat all of the bowls of Fudgie Sludgies. He starts to rub his chest. His breathing is labored.

MR. D.

Whats the matter? Theres something wrong? There is. Why wont you eat my

cereal? You have to be strong than me!!

He clutches his head and starts crying and wailing.

MR. D.

Fuff, help me!!

Fuff is tense and clenches his teeth.

FUFF(Under his breath)

Shut up. Just shut up !!!

Mr. D does a long, mother courage, silent scream. The kids go to comfort him.

SUZY

Mr. D, is there anything we can do?

JIMMY

Yeah, cause we care.

Mr. D is overwhelmed by their support. He fights his tears and staggers against the wall.

MR. D.

I am so blessed.

He looks to the kids.

MR. D.

I know now that I need you.

He looks at the camera.

MR. D.

I need all of you.

He suddenly starts laughing with joy. He feels free for a moment. He sings.

SONG: LIFE IS

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12/17

Life is, an emotional roller coaster.

Life is bread, poppin out the toaster.

Its funny how life is,

So full of ups and downs.Its funny how life is,

It goes round and round and round and round and round(He sings the last part like David Clayton Thomas).

MR. D.

I feel better. But its a bitter better. A floundering facetious

ARNIE THE BALLOON MAN stalks onto the set.

FUFF

Uh oh, its Arnie the Balloon Man. Oh boy! Who let Arnie into the studio?

MR. D.

What are you doing here, Arnie?

ARNIE

What do you mean? I work here!! I know it and you know it !!! Come here kids.

Stand in line, NOW!!

The kids are worried but they obey. Fuff and Mr. D are too pathetic to do anything. Arnie starts to blow

up a balloon. He looks at Jimmy.

ARNIE

Whats your favorite animal?

JIMMY

Umlets see

ARNIE

A dog. You like dogs.

He twists the balloon into something that looks nothing like a dog. He holds it out for Jimmy.

JIMMY

But thats not a dog.

ARNIE

Look kid, its a dog. Bark bark woof. Okay?

Jimmy looks sad.

ARNIE

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13/17

Alright. Jesus!

He rubs the balloon on his head vigorously.

ARNIE

There, its not a dog but at least it sticks to your shoulder, doesnt it? Now get

the hell out of here.

POLLY

Dont you talk to him like that!

ARNIE

Shut up! Shut your fat mouth.

VINCENT

Youre a mean man.

ARNIE

You shut up! Both of you shut up. This is my part of the show. Whos next?

Suzy reluctantly steps up.

SUZY

I am, I guess. I like squirrels.

ARNIE

Good. Here.

He twists the balloon into the same thing he gave Jimmy.

ARNIE

Now, what is that?

She looks around, scared.

SUZY

Its a squirrel?

ARNIE

Good, thats right. I like these kids.

He pulls out a flask and knocks back a huge chug.

ARNIE

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14/17

Kids I drink a lot, okay. Im telling you this because I dont ever want you to

end up like me!

MR. D

What have you been doing since you worked on the show?

ARNIE

What do you mean, what have I been doing? Does SSDI mean anything to you?

Rite Aid ice cream for din din?

He blows up a balloon and twists it furiously. He holds it out to Mr. D.

ARNIE

What do you think this is?

MR. D.

A poodle?

ARNIE

No, you idiot. How the hell did you get your own show?

He starts to pulsate the balloon.

ARNIE

ITS MY HEART!!!

He seethes with anger.

MR. D.

Im not sure what you want. Youre really aggressive, you know. But I know

how that feels. You know what I do when I feel like that? I sing.

SONG: I KNOW

Rubber balloon hearts,

feel like theyre gonna burst.

You need a good shower and shave,

Oy, I know how it hurts.

So pull off that frown,And stay here a while,

Just fall one the ground,Where no ones on trial,

And SMILE!

ARNIE

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15/17

Oh, god you make me vomit. Im sick of your drivel. Im sick of this world!

You see this?!

He holds his hand in the shape of a gun.

ARNIE

You know what this is?

SUZY

Your fingers?

ARNIE

NO, ITS A GUN!! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!!

Everyone looks confused. Mr. D walks up to Arnie.

MR. D.

Youre more pathetic than me.

Arnie screams in horror and runs away. Everyone rejoices.

VINCENT

Yay, Mr. D!!

SUZY

You saved us!

ALL

Hip hip hooray!!!

The kids all go to hug and touch him and Mr. D curls into a convulsing, fetal ball on the floor.

MR. D

No, no, get AWAY!! NO, NO!!! Thats the end of the SHOW!! Until next week.

God help me and please give me food! FOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!

BACK TO:

EXT. PARK BENCH AFTERNOON

Tony reflects on the scenario hes just finished imagining.

TONY

Wow, poor Mr. Depression. Thank goodness thats not my life. Im a stud. Im

slim. I do exercises. I eat right. Good music. Friends. And neat things.

A sturdy young gentleman enters and sits down on the bench next to Tony. Tony glances over.

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16/17

TONY

Hi.

The gentleman is staring at him.

TONY

Do I know you?

The gentleman produces a badge.

GENTLEMAN

I dont want to make a scene here. My name is Detective Jim Jacobs. I want you

to understand that Im going to be arresting you. We can make this quick and

easy, or slow and ugly. I dont want to embarrass you in public.

TONY

What are you arresting me for? !

JACOBS

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used

against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot

afford one, an attorney will be appointed to you at no cost. Do you understand

these rights?

TONY

Yes, but what are you arresting me for?

JACOBS

Pandering and Public Indecency.

Jacobs pulls handcuffs off his belt.

TONY

But, Im just

JACOBS

I need your hands behind your back.

Tony is stunned but complies. Once the cuffs are on, Jacobs grabs him fiercely around the back of the neckand leads him out.

ROLL CREDITS

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