www.seasons.org.au seasons in church parkhill conflict principles that work andrew boutros
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Conflict Principles that work
Andrew Boutros
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Conflict background• We all experience conflict and the
feelings that go with it: churn inside, lose sleep, high blood pressure, stress, uncomfortableness, anger etc.
• Conflict is normal eg. marriage – different ways of thinking, different values, priorities etc
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Conflict background• Some conflict is malicious (pride, power..)
Some conflict is unintentional (miscommunication misunderstanding).
Some conflict is necessary Eph 4:26 Speak truthfully (in love)
• Anger is an emotion connected with conflict that is not wrong in itself - Must be managed and self controlled Eph 4:26 .. in your anger do not sin
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Levels of Conflict
Every conflict is fought at one of these levels:
• We can move from one _____ to another.• We should aim for the _______ level acceptable.• Needs level means we can _____ with those who
have ___________views as us.
• Power• Principle
• Needslevel
lowestlive
differing
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1. When did Jesus use power in a conflict?
2. When did Jesus use principle?
3. When did Jesus compromise on principle to meet a persons need?
Questions
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4. Explain these stories in terms or Power Principle and Need:
a) Jesus eats grain and heals on the sabbath.
b) Jesus turns the tables in the temple.
c) Jesus has lunch with Zacheus and mixes with prostitutes and tax collectors.
d) Jesus encounter with the rich young ruler who goes away sad because Jesus tells him he has to give away all his wealth.
Questions
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Neo Cortex
The brain
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The brain
The Amygdala – is the
________ part.
The Neo Cortex the
__________ part.
Neo Cortex
feeling
thinking
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The brain• _______________________
causes a response from both parts of the brain
• The path to the amygdala is _______ and ___________ (hard to reverse)
• This compromises the ability the Neo Cortex work without _____.
Neo Cortex Arousal/stimulation
faster
bias
powerful
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Minimising the influence of the Amygdala.
When addressing conflict consider
• ______ of the day• _____– older or younger
• _______________– child parent, boss (power)
• _________– unresolved conflict, preconceived ideas
Tim eAge
RelationshipHistory
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Minimising the influence of the Amygdala.
When addressing conflict consider
• _______________type – • Sanguine - lies• Melancholic- critical • Choleric - Threats of anger• Phlegmatic - procrastination
• ___________– time of day, deliberate meeting, no text, emails etc
Personality
Setting
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Conflict behaviour survey
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Conflict Styles
Goal
Rela
tion
sh
ip • (1,9)
1
9
91
• (9,9)
• (5,5)
• (1,1) • (9,1)
CollaborationYour Way
No Way
Compromise
My Way
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Conflict Styles
•The preferable order of styles is
• All styles are __________ at times.• We need to understand our ________ and ___________ at each style.
1. (9,9) Collaboration2. (5,5) Compromise3. (1,9) Your Way
5. (1,1) No way4. (9,1) My Way
relevantpreference
proficiency
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Biblical principles
• Biblical process: Matthew 18• one on one, • witness, • church leadership.
(Advocates and mediation can escalate a conflict.)
• __________ and _____________• one without the other not complete. (Solve a problem as
well as minimise a conflct.)
• ________________• take responsibility even if no malice was intended• If malice – repay 4X? (Zacchaeus)
ResolveReconcile
Restitution
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Biblical principles
• “Will you _______me” or “_____”.• One empowers the injured to give forgiveness.• The other does not acknowledge malice.
• _____ needs to be built over time.• Lack of trust does not equate to a lack of
forgiveness. • A lack of progress does equate to a lack of
forgiveness.
forgive sorry
Trust
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Tips that work
• Know when to ________or __________• Paul and Barnabus kept on serving God
but separately. • Healthy boundaries • In marriage withdrawal must be supervised
• ___________with the right person • no second hand communication.
withdrawget out
Negotiate
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Tips that work• Keep ____________.
• How big an issue is it? • Is it worth making a principle of it?• Is it worth using power on this? (Soap)
• __________is the greatest tool in reducing conflict. Laugh!
• Never use _____or _______except for information or facts.
• (remember the amygdala)
perspective
Humour
text email
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Conflict behaviour survey
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Conflict Styles
Conflict Style
Called Whose way
9,9
5,5
1,9
9,1
1,1
Collaboration
CompromiseYield
Win/loseAvoid No Way
My Way
Your WayOur Way
Third Way
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Issues for Resolving(is more about the Goal)
Conflict Style
Requires Climate Desirables
9,9
5,5
9,1
1,1
Cooperation Good will
PragmatismDesire to resolve
PowerClear
Authority
A mandate No alternative
CreativityNegotiating
SkillsLeadership
Skills
Thick Skin
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Issues for Reconciling(is more about the relationship)
Conflict Style
Requires Climate Desirables
9,9
5,5
1,9
1,1
Encouragement Enthusiasm
EmpathyCare /love
Humility Gratitude
Sacrifice Acceptance
Engagement
Reciprocation
Indebtedness
Resilience
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Restitution issues
• Required to gain forgiveness
• Malice or accident
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Restoration Issues
• Allow Time – process of building.
• Don’t have expectations – (may be better than before may be 80% - which is better than nothing!!)
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Related Issues
• Anger tantrums – issue is self contol• Grace – does not mean walk over me.• Negative people – find each other… )
Depression• Meaning of tolerance – do I have to embrace it?• Virtues/Values – the difference• Venting.- does it help?• Mediation and Advocacy.
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Case Studies
1. Principal – accused of an affair. What should happen?
2. Senior Staff member feels threatened by Principal – major public conflict arises.
3. Senior Pastor accused of manipulating a home loan for personal gain – problem escalates.
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Case Studies (public)1. StKilda player charged with rape –
innocent until proven guilty and unfairly dismissed or had he broken his contract?
2. Fevola, Tiger – how did each party handle the conflict?
3. Peter Garret and the Insulation scheme. Should he resign?