worksheet for meg jay | supernormal resilience … · advice meg has to anyone who's read this...
TRANSCRIPT
Do you feel like you grew up dealing with some level of adversity in your formative years? If so, psychologist and AoC episode 678 guest Meg Jay, author of Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience, is here to explain that you're in the majority.
"In general, the book is about people who, before the age of 20, grew up with — and I wouldn't say a lot of adversity as much as it is the most common adversities," she says. "That is anything from alcoholism in the home or mental illness in the home or bullying or domestic violence, sexual abuse, etc.
"These are really more common than people realize — especially when you consider them altogether, 75 percent of us have grown up with at least one of these common adversities."
Worksheet for Meg Jay | Supernormal Resilience
(Episode 678)
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Are You Supernormal?
"The word supernormal means above the normal or average," she says. "And I'm playing with the word in the book, really, as a stand-in for the word 'resilient,' because to me, that's what resilient people are. They have better than average outcomes after adversity. What I like about the word is that it hints at how heroic that is. It takes a lot of strength and courage to get out there and rise above your circumstances."
Cast yourself as the protagonist in your own story, and write down all the things you did to make your life turn out well.
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What are the decisions you made, the risks you took, the people you connected with, and the places you went that got you to where you are today?
Can you think of a particular adversity you faced in your formative years? If so, do you think of it as something unique that you, alone, faced, or have you found others who relate to it?
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How might your life today be different if you had not experienced this adversity? Do you think it would be better or worse?
If you can't remember adversity in your past, do you feel like you've been too sheltered from life's realities? Do you think the absence of adversity in your past has been the cause of greater adversity later in life?
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Famously Supernormal
A lot of famous people are what Meg would classify as supernormal, and she points this out not to say that we need to be successful to demonstrate resilience, but to let those of us who feel abnormal because of an adverse background know that we're in good company.
A notable example is former World Number One tennis champion Andre Agassi. In his autobiography, he tells us he never even wanted to play tennis, let alone go to Wimbledon. He did it because his abusive father drove him toward it. He adapted to this adverse situation to accommodate what the abuse demanded.
By the time someone who lives for others in their youth — like Andre Agassi — gets to adulthood, their sense of self is distorted or completely hidden. "They can't remember who they wanted to be other than that person they felt they needed to be."
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Adulthood may be where the supernormal finally feels the freedom or drive to become themselves.
Do you feel like you're where you are today because you've followed your own path, or is it one that was heavily shaped by someone else?
Left to your own fulfillment, what might your own path look like? Does it tie in with your current path, or wildly deviate?
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If you're not already on it, how might you reroute your life to follow this path?
Don't Lose the Good Among the Bad and the Ugly
Many forms of adversity involve the context of being hurt by some kind of relationship in the past, and there's no way to sugar coat it: it is wise to protect ourselves from dangerous people.
"Our brains are wired to keep us alive, not happy," says Meg. "So we tend to focus on the dangerous people, the bad memories, the bad moments, because that's survival."
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But Meg also cautions us against building our protective armor so tight that we can't let love in. "We actually have to work extra hard to remember [the great] people as much as the not-so-great people." She adds: "Studies have concluded that one of the best predictors about whether you'll fare well after an adversity is whether or not there was someone who cared," says Meg. "That person could be a sibling, a best friend, a neighbor, a mentor, a teacher."
Write out a list of people for whom you feel grateful. Who has helped you, cared about you, and supported you along the way?
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Where might you display pictures and reminders of these people who have mattered where you can see them every day?
Do you find that remembering the good people in your past helps you spot the good people who show up in your life today? How might this help you spot people who aren't so good?
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Find someone to tell your secrets to. If that person says the wrong thing, try someone else. This will get easier, and your story will become more organized and understandable with every telling.
Supernormals Aren't Superhuman
If you're resilient to the point of being supernormal, you may deny a need to worry about the mundane things that make you human — like eating or sleeping or taking a break from constantly being on the go.
But Meg points out that resilient people aren't immune to the chronic stress associated with adversity; they just have
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ways of dealing with it that keep them in the fight.
Reading, knitting, and exercising are just a few examples of activities Meg recommends to supernormals as a way to take a step back from elevated stress levels and just enjoy life. But the most important advice Meg has to anyone who's read this far: talk to your doctor about ways to reduce stress that are right for you.
How many hours of sleep do you get every night? Do you feel like this is enough? If not, what keeps you from getting a more ideal night's sleep?
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What activities do you enjoy so much that you forget — even momentarily — about what makes an average day stressful?
How might you incorporate these activities more often into your lifestyle?
Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned talk show host, social dynamics expert, and entrepreneur.
He’s the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a consulting and coaching company — as well as a top 50 podcast on iTunes — which he’s been hosting for over a decade.Jordan has spent several years abroad in Europe and the developing world, including South America, Eastern Europe, and the Middle East, and speaks several languages. He has also worked for various governments and NGOs overseas, traveled through war zones, and been kidnapped — twice.
He’ll tell you the only reason he’s still alive and kicking is because of his ability to talk his way into (and out of), just about any type of situation.
AJ Harbinger “Vulnerability is my strength.”
AJ Harbinger is a relationship development expert. His creation, The Art of Charm, is a leading training facility for top performers who want to develop social capital and relationships of the highest quality.
AJ and his co-founders teach millions of people each year how to create, develop, and maintain top business and personal relationships.
Men have traveled from over 50 countries to attend Bootcamp. Each week at AoC headquarters in Los Angeles, these men discover how to be the best version of themselves.
AJ’s mantra is “your network is your net worth” — and this value is what he develops in each of his students.
John Dzubak happened upon the field of social dynamics and dating coaching quite by accident. Having been a touring musician much of his life, he felt the need to contribute positively to the world and was interested in the power of personal transformation. Johnny began educating himself about social dynamics and incorporating the concepts he learned into his day-to-day life. Soon after, he began coaching for a small social dynamics company out of Washington, DC; it was then that he met AJ and Jordan.
Johnny is all about getting rid of the ‘game’ on which so many other similar companies focus, and he wanted to find a natural way to bring out the best qualities in people. Understanding the true emotion and genuine connection people make with one another is where he finds his inspiration. It is this philosophy that makes him a great fit for The Art of Charm crew.
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