April23,2014AMan'sLife,OnManhood

WhyAreWeSoConflictedAboutManhoodintheModernAge?

Inthelastpost,weexploredtheoriginsofmanhoodhowitconsistsofanenergybornoftheinnatebiologicalandpsychologicalcharacteristicsofmalesthatisthenchanneledby

culturestowardsservicethatbenefitsthecollectivegood.Wealsodiscussedthewayanemphasisonthecodeofmanhoodfluctuatesaccordingtotheabundanceofresourcesinagivensociety.Thescarcertheresources,themorethecodeofmanhoodisemphasizedthemoremenneedtobegoodatbeingmen.Mensgreaterexpendability,physicalstrength,andpredispositiontowardsrisk-taking,competition,andstatus-seekingareneededtoprocurehard-to-attainresources,andtoprotectthemoncetheyvebeensecured.Differentiationbetweengenderrolesincreases,asaparticulardivisionoflaboroffersasurvivaladvantage.

Whenresourcesareeasierandlessdangeroustoobtain,andarentatriskofbeingraidedbyothers,anemphasisonthecodeofmanhoodweakens.Differentiationbetweengenderrolesshrinks,aswhodoeswhatjobisnotamatterofsurvivalandseemstomakelittledifferenceintheoverallhealthofthesociety.Overtime,thoughatdifferentpacesandsubjecttofluctuationsandcyclesinvariouspartsoftheworld,resourcesonthewholehavebecomeincreasinglyabundant,easiertoobtain,andalmostcompletelysafefrompillaging.HereintheWestweliveinthemostresource-richperiodinallhumanhistory.Eventhepovertyoftodayisfarlessharshthanthepovertyofacenturyago.Thestrengthofthegovernmentssafetynetisdebated,butitsveryexistenceisadistinctlymodernphenomena.Foodissoplentifulwehaveanobesityproblem.Therehasntbeenaworldwarinthree-quartersofacentury.Thereisverylittledanger;amancangohisentirelifewithoutevergettingintoafistfight.Thejobofdefendingtheperimeterhasbeenoutsourcedtoatinyfractionofthepopulation.Notonlydoesmostlabornotrequireanyphysicalstrength,wehavetoremindourselvestoevenstandupsometimestotakeabreakfromsittinginfrontascreenaroundtheclock.Giventhispositivelyluxuriousenvironment,itshouldcomeasnosurprisethatanemphasisonmanhoodiscurrentlyveryweak.Societydoesntneedmostmentoperformdirty,strenuous,dangerousjobsforwhichtheirpropensityforrisk-takingandtheirphysical

strengthmakethemuniquelysuited.Menaresoseeminglyunnecessarythatweevenhavetheluxuryofdenigratingthemofspeculatingwhetherwemighthavereachedtheendofmen.Butadesireforandcelebrationofmanhoodhashardlybeencompletelyextinguished.Wehavenotreachedacollectiveaccordonthesuperfluityofmasculinity,anditsslackeningcontinuestobeacauseforperiodicboutsofculturalhand-wringing.Americans(andmanyotherWesterncountries)areinfactquiteconflictedonthesubject.Howwegothere,andtherootofthisconflictwillbethesubjectofthispost.

TheInversionofthePyramidofManhoodTobegintounderstandoursocietysveryconflictedfeelingsaboutmanhood,IthinkithelpstoimaginethecodeofmanhoodasapyramidlikeMaslowshierarchyofneeds,butwithmanhoodsubstitutedforself-actualization.

Inpre-moderntimes,the3PsofManhoodrepresentedwhatsocietiesneededmostfrommen.Theywerethetenetsofbeinggoodatbeingaman.Protection,procreation,andprovisionwerethevitalimperativesthathelpedsocietiesallaroundtheworldsurviveandgrow.Protectionservedasthefoundationforthecodeofmanhoodnothingelsewaspossibleifmenfailedinthischarge.Oncetheperimeterwassecure,thepopulationwasgrowingsteadily,andtherewasenoughfoodandresourcestofeedtheburgeoningtribe,mencouldthenstarttoconcentrateoncultivatinghighervirtuesofcharacterandspirituality.Ascivilizationspreadandbecameincreasinglycomplex,whatsocietiesmostneededfrommenwerenotfiercewarriorsorskilledhunters,buthard-workinghusbands,lovingfathers,honestpoliticians,wisephilosophers,andcleverinnovators.Thetacticalvirtuesofstrength,courage,mastery,andhonorwereliftedoffthebattlefieldandappliedmoreabstractlytothetasksofheadingfamilies,runninggovernments,andbuildingbusinesses.

Thus,thepyramidofmanhoodwasinverted.Societyhadtheluxuryofturningthefocusofmanhoodfrombeinggoodatbeingaman,tobeingagoodman.Thestartingpointformanhoodandmalehonorbecamemoralvirtueandupstandingcharacterattributesthatmencouldapplytowhicheverareaoflifetheylabored.Thenewcodeofmanhoodstillcontainedarequirementtocultivatecourage,tomarryandhavechildren,andtoprovideforonesfamily.Butunlikethepre-modernversion,thisnewdefinitionofmanlinesswasntasdirectlyrelatedtoanythinguniqueaboutmensbiologicalmake-up.Menwereexpectedtobeasvirtuousandchasteaswomen,andprovidingoftendidnotinvolveanydangerortheneedforphysicalstrength.Beingagoodmanwasntdramaticallydifferentfrombeingagoodwoman.Whilethestandardsofthecodeofmanhoodhadshifted,itwasstillverymuchenforcedasitalwayshadbeenthroughthebestowalofhonorandshame.Havingareputationasweak,lazy,immoral,orincompetentbroughtsocialstigmatomenlosingthemchancestoprocreateandtoriseeconomically.Somenwerestillverymotivatedtolivethecodeandearnthetitleofman.

Whenthatcultureofhonordisappearedinthe20thcentury,andwithitthemotivatingforceofshameandhonor,thegoalofbeingamanwasreplacedwiththatofeverymanforhimself.Beingmanlywentfromkeepingthecodetodoingyourownthingandnotcaringwhatanyoneelsethought.

OneofthefactorsthatloosenedtheWesternhonorcultureinthe20thcenturywasfeminism,andsincethismovementalwaysloomssolargelyindebatesaboutthesexes,letswaderightintoit.

WereinTahitiNowGuys!Therearesomefeministsthatbelievethatpatriarchywasanintentional,evilplotbymenall

overtheworldtooppresswomenandkeepthemdown.Therearesomemisogyniststhatbelievethatfeminismwasanintentional,evilplotbywomentodethroneandemasculatemen.Ithinktheyrebothwrong.Itseemslikeitspopularlythoughtthatforthousandsofyearspatriarchyexistedaspartofnearlyeverycultureonearthbecausepeopleweretoobackwardsandbigotedtorealizewhatanunfairandoppressivesystemitwas,andthenfinally,finally,inthemiddleofthe20thcentury,peoplebecameenlightenedenoughtorebelagainstthesystemandbringitdown.Idontthinkthisisquitecorrect.Thereasonfeminismemergedwhenitdidwasbecauseitcouldemergewhenitdidinthemostpeaceful,comfortable,resource-richenvironmentinhumanhistory;itwasatimewhendangerhadcompletelyrecededfromtheperimeter,andwhentechnologyhaddevelopedtothepointthatmostjobscouldbeperformedjustaswellbywomenasbymen.ThewayIseeitisthatmankindislikeafigurativegroupofpeoplewhowereborninSiberiaandspenttheirformativeyearsjusttryingtosurviveintheharshestofenvironments,andthenbeganajourneyinsearchofawarmer,morehospitableclime.FeminismisbasicallythemomentwherethepeoplelookedaroundandrealizedtheyhadreachedTahiti.Heyguys!Holdup!WereinTahitinow!Wecanstoplookingoverourshoulderallthetime!Itdoesntmatterwhodoeswhat!Wecanrelax!Intheharshestofenvironments,beforetheriseofcivilization,mensphysicalstrengthwasneededtoperformthedirtyanddangerousworkofhuntingandfightingthatkepteveryonealive.Menacceptedtheirexpendabilityanddidwhatneededtobedone.Primitivesocietieswerefairlyegalitarian,butinreturnforthissacrificemenexpectedatleastalittlemorepowerandprivilege.Womenacceptedthisarrangement(eithergratefullyorgrudgingly,dependingononesperspective),becausetheyneededmensprotectionforthemselvesandfortheirchildren.Thestoryofcivilizationthen,isthatofmenseekingtoeradicatethisdanger,andtheneedforarduouslabor,andaboveall,maleexpendability,throughtheinventionoftechnologies,philosophies,andgovernmentswhileatsametime,tryingtoholdontotheirpowerandprivilege.Womenunderstandablyincreasinglychafedatthisarrangementiftheyweredoingjustasmuchoftheproviding,andmenwerentregularlyrequiredtoputtheirlivesonthelineanymore,shouldntthingsbecompletelyequal?So,Iveneverbeenonetofeelangryaboutfeminism.Whyshouldanyone?Itsthenaturalresultofourcurrentenvironment,ourcurrentseasonincivilization.Still,therearetodaymenwhowanttokeepthefruitsofcivilizationanddoawaywithmaleexpendabilityandreturntofull-onpatriarchyandmaleprivilege.Sorrydudes,nevergoingtohappen.Ifyouwanttotrulyreturntoatimewheremenweremen,youllneedtostripoutallthesafetyandluxuryandcomfortofthemodernworldandreturntoamuchmoreprimitivestate.

JackDonovanisactuallyoneofthefewwritersintheManospherewhoseesthisclearly.Headvocatesforadismantlingofstatesandofmoderncivilizationasawholeinordertorestarttheworldandreturntoatimeofbattlingclans.Ifyourgoalistogetbacktoatimewherethecoreofmasculinityisonceagainneededandexercised,thatspreciselywhatwouldhavetohappen.Iknowwhatyourethinking:ThatsnottrueBrett!Lookatlikethe1950s.Womenwerefeminineandsubmissiveandmenweremanlyandthatwasjust60yearsago!IthinkbecauseofthevintageaestheticsofAoM,peoplefigurewereblindlynostalgicaboutthepast.Butbecausewespendsomuchofourtimeimmersedinresearchandprimarysourcesfromhistory,fewpeopleknowaswellaswedowhatisandisnottrueaboutthegoodolddays.Intruth,eveninthe1940sand1950s,menwerecomplainingaboutwomenbeingtooassertive,toodemanding,andtoocareer-minded.Theypinedforthegoodolddaysoftheirgrandparentstimeinthe19thcenturywhenmenweremenandwomenwerewomen!Butwhenyoureadtheliteraturefromthe19thcentury,mencomplainedabouthenpeckingwivesandwomenwhoweredoingmanlythingslikewearingpantaloonsandsmokingcigarettes.Heck,evenSocratescomplainedabouthisnaggingwifewaybackinantiquity!Nowjustbecausemenhavebeencomplainingaboutwomenforcenturiesdoesntmeanthingshaventpossiblygottenworse,butitdoesmeanthateversincethedawnofcivilization,thesexeshavebeengripingabouteachother.Therewasnopure,post-civilizationgoldenagewheremenweremenandwomenknewtheirplace.Youtrulyhavetogobacktoaprimitivelandscapeifthatstheset-upyourelookingfor.AnditsalongwaybacktoSiberiafromTahiti.

YouBood,IBood,EverybodyBood:IntotheModernDayOurfigurativeimmigrantstoTahitiwerelikeanynewcomerstoaculture;someheldontotheoldSiberianwaysforlonger,whileothersquicklyassimilatedandadoptedthenormsoftheirnewhome.Afterthecounter-culturemovementofthe60sand70s,manymenfoundthepromiseofrelaxationirresistible,andenjoyedthrowingoffthedemandsoftheoldcodeofmanhood.Sure,therewaslesspowerandprivilegeandlessopportunitiestoexercisetheirmasculinedrives,butsexcouldbehadwithalotlesseffort,andthepressuretoexcelonthreatoflosingonesmanhoodwasoff.Inapre-moderntribe,whateveryindividualdidmattered;eachmansperformanceinthe3PsofManhoodeitherstrengthenedthetribeorweakenedit.Everymanhadtopullhisownweight.Today,asDonovansaysinTheWayofMen,Forwhatmaybethefirsttimeinhistory,theaverageguycanaffordtobecareless.Wavesofmencanopt-outofcontributingtosocietyatall,andthereisnoimmediateeffecttotheirreputationortheircommunity.Mencanliveathomeintotheir30sandplayvideogamesalldaylong,andtheworldkeepsrightonturning.

Thecounter-culturemovementnotonlyloosenedthecodeofmanhood,butalsodevaluedthegoalofgrowing-upaltogetherforbothsexes.Wemodernsdenydeathandseeketernalyouth.Wefleeresponsibility.Welaughattheideaofdelayedgratificationwewantwhatwewant,andwewantitnow.Wewatchinsteadofdo,consumeinsteadofcreate.Adulthoodisforsuckers.WeareeternalchildrenliketheSemai,evershouting:Imnotlistening!Yourenotthebossofme!Tothepossibilityofresponsibilityorcivicduty,werespondinunison:Ibood.WhilesomementhrewthemselveswholehogintothenewsexualandgenderfreedomsofTahiti,othermen,upthroughtoday,haveheldontotosomeofthetraditionsoftheirhomeland.Theyresometimesnotcompletelysureofwhytheydothem,exceptthattheyknowtheirancestorsdidthemforagesandrememberingtheirheritagefeelssatisfying.Whichistosay,manymenneverstoppedfollowingthepatternoftheinvertedpyramid,andcontinuetodosointhepresentday.Manymodernmenstillwanttobevirtuous,well-mannered,kind,smart,faithfulandstrongandskillfultoogoodmenmostofallbutnotsobadatbeinggoodatbeingaman,either.Theystrivetobuildcharacterevenintheiryouth.Astheygrowup,theyseekajobthataddssomethingtotheworld,andthenlooktosettledownandhaveacouplekids.Oncetheyvegotahouseinthesuburbsandasteadyjob,maybetheyllthinkaboutprotectingtheirhomeandfamily.Maybegetagun.Maybetakesomeclassesonhowtouseit.Ornot.Itsoptional,nobigdealsomethingtothinkaboutiftheyhavetime.Wevegotarmiesandpolicedepartmentstoprotectus,afterall.Mostofthetimemenfeelokayaboutthewaytheirlivesfollowthestructureoftheinvertedpyramid.Butsometimestheyreuneasyaboutit.Asyoumayhavenoticed,aninvertedpyramidisinherentlyunstable.Itbalancesprecariouslyonthecurrentpeaceandprosperityofoursociety.Shouldthatfoundationcrumble,menwonderhowtheywouldpersonallyfare.ThusmensometimesenjoylifeinTahiti,andsometimes,havinghadnopersonalexperiencewithlivingtherethemselves,wistfullylongtoreturntoSiberialandoftheirmanlierancestors.Theyliketheircreaturecomforts,butalsofantasizeaboutnavigatingaworldwheretheyhavetheopportunitytotesttheirmettle,toexercisetheirmasculinityaworldwherewhattheydoactuallymatters.Theresareasonwhythezombieapocalypsememeissopopularthesedays.AndwhybehonestnowwhenyouhearrumblingsofwarwithRussiaorthatanairplanemighthavebeenhijackedforterroristuse,yourekindofexcited.Youtellyourself,ItsnotlikeIwantsomethingbadtohappen,buttheresapartofyouthatreallydoes.Please,pleaseletsomethingactuallyhappen.Anything.AnythingtogiveussomethingtothinkaboutotherthanwhojustsaidsomethingoffensiveonTwitter.

TheCyclicalNatureofGenderDifferentiationWhileanemphasisonthecodeofmanhoodhasgenerallydecreasedandandrogynyhasgenerallyincreasedascivilizationhasbecomemorecomplexandwidespread,thesechangeshavenothappenedlinearly.Rather,theymoveincycleswithinthislargertrend;duringtimesofcrisis,whenmenareagaincalledontoserveasprotectors,anemphasisonmanhoodgetsstrongerandgender

rolesreassertthemselves.Forexample,afterWWII,wheremensstrengthandcouragehadonceagainbeenneeded,andmaleexpendabilityhadoncemorebeenundeniablydemonstrated,traditionalgenderroleswerere-strengthened.Womenwantedtocreateanurturinghometocomfortthemenwhohadspentyearssweatingandbleedinginthetrenchestoprotectthem.Andnoonedoubtedthatmenweremen.ThecyclicalnatureofgenderroledifferentiationispredictedbytheStrauss-Howegenerationaltheory.Accordingtothistheory,intimesofpeaceandprosperity,thegapbetweenthesexescloses,onlytowidenagainafteracrisis.StraussandHowepositthatanewcrisisperiodbeganaround2008,andwontenduntilaround2025.Accordingtotheircyclicalmodelofhistory,duringthecomingdecade,thecrisiswilldeepen,menwillonceagainbecalledupontoperformmanlydeeds,andintheaftermath,thedifferencebetweenthesexeswillwiden.Untilpeaceandprosperityareagaintakenforgranted,andthecyclestartsoveroncemore.

Wait,IsThataStormontheHorizon?Ifindividualmenaresometimesconflictedbythetenoroftheirmanhood,societysapproachtothesubjectmightbeclassifiedasdownrightschizophrenic.Mostofthetimeourculturefocusesontheideathatmanhoodisjustanirrelevantculturalconstruct,andthatmenshouldshakeofftheshacklesofmasculinitysoutdatedpressuresanddamagingdemands.Menareencouragedtodropthewholedumbactingtoughbusinessandgetintouchwiththeiremotionstobecomebettercommunicatorsandempathizersmoresensitive.Menaretoldtostoplookingbacklonginglyonphysically-demandingjobsthathavedisappeared,tostopbeingdinosaurs,tobemoreflexibleandgetintoemergingfieldslikenursingandHR.Wetellmennottotrytofitthemselvesintosomeartificialmoldofmanhood,buttoinsteadfollowtheirheartsandownproclivities,evenifthoseproclivitieswouldhavebeenconsideredhistoricallyeffeminate.Themostimportantthingistobeyourself.Dontletanyonetellyouyourenotaman!Arealmandoesntcarewhatotherpeoplethink.Wetellouryoungmenthatviolenceneversolvesanythingandthatcompetitionisfortheinsecure.Weinstructthem,astheenslavedSemaidotheirchildren,Thatitisbettertobecautiousthantobebrave.Ifanythinginnateaboutmasculinityiseverrecognized,itisinvariablytopointouthowmensunfortunatedispositionsareimpedingprogressandruiningtheworld.Menspenchantforrisk-takingcausedtheeconomiccrisis.Menscompetitive,dominance-seekingnatureisthereasonlawmakerscantnegotiateandgetthingsdone.Boyswildenergyisdisruptingtheclassroom,sotheyneedtobedruggedandlearntositquietly.Thisisthedominantthreadaboutmasculinityinourday.Butatthesametimethereisanothercurrentthatpopsupoccasionallyandtakestheformofhand-wringingaboutthestate

ofmodernmen.Whyaremenfallingbehindinschool?!Whyarentmengettingmarried?!Whyarentmenmovingoutoftheirparentshouses?!Whyarewesissifyingboys?Wherehavealltherealmengone?!Whyarentmenmenanymore?!Therearestilloccasionallycallsformentomanupusuallyinthecontextofbeingbetterdadsorgettingofftheirkeisterstosupporttheirfamilies(orevenusingaparticularbrandofhairproduct!).Butbecausetheseinjunctionsarenolongerdirectlytiedtomensbiologicalpotentialitiesnorcomewithanysocietalrecognitionorreward,theylackanyresonance.Thecriticalunderpinningsthatmotivatebehaviorandmakeanhonor/shamecultureworkarenolongerinforce.Itseverymanforhimself,andmenknowit.So,todaysyoungmengettwocompetingmessages:manhoodisdumbandoppressiveandnotevenreal.But,dontbetoomuchofawuss.Whyarewesoconflicted?Whileitisgenerallyverbotentoacknowledgealoudthesedays,mostpeoplerecognizethatmenbuiltmoderncivilizationbuiltourroads,ourbridges,ourbuildings,andinventednearlyeverypieceoftechnologytowhichwearenowslavishlydevoted.Ifmenopt-outofcontributingtosociety,werightlyworryaboutsocietygoingdownthecrapper.

Butitgoesdeeperstill.Whileeverythingmaybeluxuriousandsafenow,deepinsideweworrythatthislanguorouspeacewontlast.WereallhangingoutinwhatseemstobeTahiti,andmostofthetimewerelike,Heyman!Layonthebeach,soakuptherays,drinkacocktail!Relax!Butoccasionally,welookoutonthehorizonandwonderifwedontseeastormformingwayinthedistance.Shouldwemakepreparations?Shouldmenreadythemselvestobemen?Orshouldwelaybackdownonthesandandjustchillax?

Forthousandsofyears,welivedinperpetualfearofanattackfromanenemytribe.Wetellourselvestoletgoofthatprimalanxietythateverythingsfine,nothingsevergoingtohappen.Yettheimpulsetocontinuallylookoverourshoulderremainsetchedinourpsyche.Sowetellmentolaydowntheirweapons,tostopactingsomacho,toembracetheirsoftersideyetdeepinthepitofourstomachtheprimevalworrypersists:butifwewereattacked,couldthesemenprotectus?Couldtheyfightiftheyhadto?TodayweareTahitians.ButtomorrowcouldwebeSemai?

ConclusionThismaysoundlikethefutureformenisawfullydoomyandgloomy.Shouldmenteardowntheverycivilizationtheybuiltupinordertostartoveragainandgetbacktoatimewhenmentrulyweremen?IconfessthatIrejectthatideaandaminsteadanincurableoptimistamanwhowantstolearnfromthepastbutfindanevenbetterwayforward.Ivetakenheatfrommoremilitantmensblogsfornotbeingangryandangstyenough.Theyspeculatethatperhapsmywholesome,conciliatorytoneisduetoaneedtopleaseadvertisersthatImustholdmytonguetoprotectmycommercialinterests.Wellheresthetruth:Imnothidingmyangst.Iam,infact,notangstyaboutmen,aboutwomen,aboutgender,oraboutfeminism.Notevenalittle.Iknow,itsterrible.Imasquare.IdprobablybecoolerifIwasalittlemoreedgyandmisanthropic.Butasmolderingangstaboutgenderwouldnotatallbetruetomypersonalexperience.First,whilemoderncivilizationhasreducedtheamountofdistinctlymanlypleasuresintheworld,ithasgreatlyincreasedtheamountofhumanpleasurestobehad.Thereobviouslyisntroominthispiecetodescribeallthewonderfulboonsofcivilization,butherearejustafewthatIespeciallyprize.WalkinginthewoodsandsoakingupthebeautyaroundmewithoutconstantlylookingovermyshouldertoseeifImabouttobeclubbedovertheheadbyanenemytribesman.Notworryingwhenmybabydaughterstartscoughingthatshemayhavecomedownwithsomethingthatisgoingtokillher.Havingalmosttheentiretyoftheworldsknowledgeatmyfingertips.Thereissomuchofcivilizationthatissoverygoodsoveryworthpreserving.Second,myexperiencewithwomenhasbeenalmostuniversallypositive.IhaventhadthemisfortuneofcrossingpathswiththemythologicalfeministtrollswhowanttocastratementhatIhearsomuchaboutonothermensblogs.Ihavetangentiallyencounteredacoupleofrealdoozieswhoactedingrotesquewaysanddidindeedwreakhavocinacoupleofmyguy

friendslives.Butthebehaviorfromthesewomenwaslessaboutfeminismandmoreaboutsimplybeingsuperlow-classandIveseenthesamekindofill-bredwomen(andmen)instoriesfromdecadesandcenturiesagolongbeforefeminismwasasocietalforce.Plus,itsnotlikethementhemselveswereunwittingvictims;thewomenmightaswellhavebeenwavingadozenredflagsrightfromthegetgo.Ihavealsoheardmencomplainthatwomenthesedayshaveletthemselvesgoandareturningintomen.Orsomething.ButwhereIlivethewomenoutabouttownseemclassyandput-together.Ifanything,therehasneverbeensomuchpressureonwomentostayyoungandbeautiful.WomenatthegymIgotoexercisefortwohours,sweatingtostaythin,andthenhitthespaforbeautytreatments.OldSpicerecentlyputoutafunny/creepycommercialwheremomsbeltoutacatchytuneabouttheirsons.WhatstruckmeaboutthecommercialwasthatIdontknowanymomsthatlooklikethatanymore.Youknow,likemoms.Momjeans.Momglasses.Mymomlookedlikeamom.Momstodaytrytolookliketheirdaughters.Evengrandmasdontlooklikegrandmasanymore.Ifanything,itsallalittletoomuch(comeonladies,workoutskirts?).Allinall,Ihaventseenanyevidencethatwomenhavebecomelazy,masculinehobosquitetheopposite.Third,Ithinkmoreegalitarianmarriageshavebeenaboontomenandwomenalike.Forstarters,Ithinkmyownisawesome!Ineverwantedtomarryaditzywallflower.IlovethatKateandIcanhavedeepconversationsanddebatesabouteveryconceivabletopic.IlovehavingacompaniontogocampingandWarriorDash-ingwith.Iloverunningabusinessside-by-sideandworkingonsomethingcreativetogether.Kateis,asJackLondoncalledhislaid-back,up-for-anythingwife,myMateWoman.AndIappreciatethefactthatwhilewethinkofourselvesasequalpartners,shestilllikestothinkofmeastheheadofourfamily,andappreciatesmebeingaleaderinthehome.Iappreciatethefactthatwhilewebothrealizesuchadynamicisntlogical,paradoxescanbebeautiful.Ialsoappreciatethefactthatdespiteourbeingbestfriends,shedoesntbegrudgemyspendingtimeinanallmalehonorgroupandinfactencouragesit.Iveheardalotofpessimismthesedaysaboutmarriageandfamilies.Thatwomenwilllockyoudown,getyoutoputaringonit,andthentakeallyourmoneyinadivorcesettlement.Butnotonlyismyownmarriagehappy,folksallaroundmeseemreallyhappyintheirmarriagestoo.Theyfeelliketheyremarriedtotheirbestfriendandreallyenjoyeachotherscompany.Theyloveraisingkidstogether.ManyofthemomsIknowchoosetostayhomewiththechildrenbecausetheywantto.Thelivesofthesefamiliesmaybeboringtooutsiders,buttheyrehappy.Statisticsbearthisout;whiledivorcehasbeengoingupamongstolderfolks,forthosebornafter1980,itsbeendeclining.Fourth,Ithinkmenliveinagoldenageforproviding.Therehaveneverbeensomanycareeroptionsanditsneverbeensoeasytostartyourownbusinessandbecomeanentrepreneur.Therearelessopportunitiesformanlyexcellencebutsomanymoreopportunitiesforhumanexcellence.Weliveinaworldwherewecanfindworkthatbestsuitsourindividualtalentsandpersonalities.ImgratefulIdidntfeellikemyonlyoptionwasa9-5atabigcorporationwhereIdworkfordecadesanddecadesuntilIgotmygoldwatch.IthinkitsamazingthatIcouldstartanew

mensmagazinefrommycouchathome.Eventhoughitrunscontrarytothetraditionalcodeofmanliness,Imgratefulforthechancetobeahands-ondadandtogettospendalotoftimewithmykiddos.Fifth,itseemstomethattheexcessesoffeminism,ratherthangettingstronger,haveactuallypeaked.Igetthefeelingthatpeoplearekeepingthebestchangesfromthemovementbutaregrowingmorecomfortablewithlettingalittlenaturalmasculineandfeminineenergyflowintotheirlivesthattheydonthavetopushitaway.Theyrefindingtheycanbeplayfulandenjoygenderroleswithoutbeingslavishtothem.Notonlydomanywomenseembothkindandclassyaroundhere,themeninmyneckofthewoodsaregenerallygood,soliddudes.Menofgoodcharacterwhoarealsointerestedinbeingstrongandbeinggoodprotectors.Ifintimespastwefocusedonlyonthegeneralitiesofgender,whiledenyingtherealityofexceptions,andtodaywefocusonlyontheexceptionswhiledenyinganygeneralities,Iamoptimisticwecancometoaplacewhereweaccepttheexceptions,whilealsoacknowledgingthatgeneralitiescanushelplearnaboutourselvesandhowwetick.Eveniftosimplyrealizewereallyareanexceptionafterall!Sixth,IreallybelievethatMillenialscouldbethenextHeroGeneration.Idontthinktheresanythinginherentlywrongwithmentoday.Theyjusthaventbeenaskedtodoanythingyet.Butthatdoesntmeantheyrenotcapableandcouldntriseuptomeetachallengeiftheywerecalledupontoactlikemen.Allofwhichistosay,thatinmanyways,lifeisgood.Reallygood.Itsnotthattherearentaspectsofourculturethatmakemewishthatanasteroidwoulddemolishtheearthonadailybasisespeciallywhilstlookingattheheadlinesofourclick-baitmedia.AnditsnotthatIdontthinksomeofthemen-bashinghorrorstoriesguyshavebloggedaboutdonthappen.ButIhavelongwonderediftheslim,moreextremesidesofourculturearenthavinganextendedargumentwitheachother,onethatbypassesandhaslittletodowithhowmostAmericansthinkandareactuallylivingtheirlives.IknowIdontseeanythingthatrepresentsmylifeandperspectiveinthemedia.IhavetoadmitthatmyrosyoutlookmayhavealottodowithmyfaithandwhereIlive.OklahomaisrightsmackinthemiddleofthecountryandIliveinaprettywell-to-dopartofTulsa.ThepopulationofTulsaismorereligious,moretraditional.Folksarenice,caringgoodpeople.SoImimmersedinMidwesternlife,whilealmostallmediaemanatesfromthecoasts.(Funnyfact:PeopleinNYCandSFarealwayslike,Heyletsmeetup!What?Yourelocatedwhere?)AndImjustnotsurethatsmallgroupsofpeopleontheEastandtheWestarenthavingaconversationinanechochamber,continuallyfeastingondishesofoutragepornandfeedingtheirphonyangerintoanendlessloopofperpetualindignation,allwhilethemajorityofpeoplearejustgoingabouttheirlives,enjoyingtheirfamilyandfriendsandthesimplepleasuresinlife.But,youmaybethinking,nooffense,Brett,butIdontwanttomovetoOklahoma.Well,youshouldrethinkthatsuchalowcostofliving!Butseriously,thatsmywholepoint:ifitcanhappeninoneplace,itcanhappeninothers.Sure,itwouldbeniceifthewholecultureweretorecognizeandcelebratemanhood.Itwould

beniceifschoolswouldrecognizethatboysmayhavespecialneedsandcreateoutletsfortheirenergyinsteadofdruggingthem.Itwouldbeniceifthemediawasntsoidioticanddidntpounceonanyonewithadissentingthought.Itwouldbeniceifboysbelongedtoorganizationsthatprovidedpositivemalerolemodelsandritesofpassage.But,Imnotholdingmybreath.Andfrankly,Ijustdontcareifthewholecountryneveragainhonorsthecontributionsofmen.Ifyouwaitonourcultureorgovernmentorschoolstoprovideyouwithdirectiononbeingamanandanoutletforyourenergy,youwilllikelywaitforever.Butyouneednotsitaroundandspendyourtimecarpingaboutwhatswrongwiththeworldtodayandhoweverybodyneedstochange.Theworstthingformanhoodisalsothebesttonsofdiversityandoptions.Ifyoudontliketheeducationalsystem,homeschool.Ifyoursondoesnthaveapositivemalerolemodel,beoneforhimashisdad.Givehimariteofpassage.Ifyounevergotoneasaboy,createyourown,andseekoutchallenges.Ifpeoplebashmenwhereyoulive,move.Ifyoudontwanttomove,joinacluborcommunitywithinyourcity,whereyoucanenjoythecompanyoflike-mindedpeople.Nosuchclubexists?Startone.Oneofthegreatestweaknessesofmygenerationistheconsumer-bredmentalitythatyoucanonlychoosebetweenpre-existingmodelsandoptions.Wehavesuchacynicalbeaten-downviewofwhatspossible.Yetourforbearersstartednewfraternities,newreligions,newchurches,newgovernments,newphilosophies,newwaysofliving.Whynotyou?Whatispossibleforonemanispossibleforanyman.Intheabsenceofacodeofmanhood,somemenwillhaveadifficulttimeforgingapathforthemselvesandwillflounder.But,forindividualmenofinnerdiscipline,itcanbeafantasticeraformanhood.Adherencetothecodeisnolongerenforced,butwecanstillwillinglychoosetofollowaspectsofit.Notbecausesomeoneelseismakingus,butbecausewefindithelpsusliveafulfilling,flourishinglife.Themanlytasksareevenmoresatisfyingwhenweintentionallyseekthemoutandfreelychoosethemourselves.Isitpossibletofindbothmasculinefulfillmentandhumanexcellenceinthemodernworld?Isitpossibletoenvisionanewmanhoodthatsrelevanttoourtimes,butdoesntstraysofarfromitsoriginsandbecomesowatereddownastobeunrecognizableasanythingmanly?Isitpossibletostillchoosethehardwayinaworldofquietudeandopulentluxury?Toliveincivilizationbutnotofit?Istronglybelieveitis.Whyyoushouldconsidertakingthatjourney,aswellasaroadmaptolivingasamaninthe21stcentury,willbethesubjectofourfinalpost.Readtherestoftheseries:PartIProtectPartIIProcreatePartIIIProvidePartIVThe3PsofManhoodinReview

PartVWhatistheCoreofMasculinityPartVIWhereDoesManhoodComeFrom?Brett111Comments

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