In your 30s, relationships are all about building

a life together

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What love is really like in your 20s, 30s, 40s & 50s

‘In my 20s, I’ve done it all. I’ve met men at weddings, in bars, through friends, through work. I’ve dabbled in blind dating, speed dating and internet dating, too. The first two men I met online were good company, but I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being auditioned as a potential wife. And as getting married isn’t a particular goal of mine, the dates felt a little scary and intense.

‘In the past, my girlfriends and I would spend hours ranting over the latest man whom we felt had let us down, but I genuinely don’t do that any more. Instead, a better strategy is to get smarter. If a man doesn’t get my style or my sense of humour, he doesn’t get it. Borrowing someone else’s rule book just doesn’t work. The guy will only think you’re crackers.

‘The big revelation in my 20s is that another person cannot make you happy. Women grow up with the idea of a man coming along and “rescuing” them. When you’ve lived with that idea for so long, the realisation that we have to take responsibility for ourselves is hard. I absolutely refuse to spend the next 10 years in a race against time, hunting to find a man just so I can have

How does your age affect your vision of love? Four women give Wersha Bharadwa their own interpretations…IllustratIons ZELA

‘It happened on holiday in the south of France, July 2001. I was 25 and he was 33. Michael was on the same train as me, and I thought he was gay because he looked really trendy and poised. So no, it wasn’t love at first sight – but I did think he was beautiful. It was only chatting, a few nights later, that I found out he was straight. From then on, our relationship progressed naturally and with ease.

‘Since we got married, there are days when Mike gets on my nerves so much I can’t stand him. Other times, I’m so in love I wake up in the night to check he’s still really there. It’s surprising how being in love ebbs and flows so much.

‘Before Mike, I’d had four or five boyfriends lasting around a year each. Some I ended, some they ended. Men in their 20s seem terrified of commitment, even when I never said I wanted it. Mike was in his 30s and had grown out of the game-playing phase. Before him, I spent hours yearning after boys who didn’t call. Now, there’s no way I’d put up with that, because Mike has taught me you don’t have to. In your 30s, relationships are about building a life together, not just having sex and going to gigs.

‘We’ve had stressful times, but they’ve just made us closer. No one knows better how to laugh me out of a stressful situation. Our first baby is due in four weeks, which I’m sure will be the best thing that’s ever happened and the biggest challenge. It’s a different kind of adventure, but I’m looking forward to it.’

babies, and then feel like a failure if I don’t. It’s insane. If marriage is on the cards for me, it’ll be for the right reasons, not just for the sake of it. I sometimes think I’m the kind of person who’s more likely to get married in my 40s or 50s.

‘For years I was convinced I was unhappy because I was single. But I realise the reverse was true: I was single because I was unhappy. Now I put myself first, always.

‘As for the future? I’d love to meet someone who just accepts and loves me. My mum always said it’s a good sign when neither of you changes in the company of each other and you’re exactly the same with your partner as you are with your friends. I think that sounds about right. Being single on my own terms is something I’m proud of. I avoid coupled-up dinner parties, not because I feel humiliated at being the “Bridget Jones” at the table, but because I can have lots more fun doing things I prefer. And as much as I wish I could just settle down with a nice chap, I haven’t quite worked out how to get just enough of the excitement and fun of a relationship without it becoming so dramatic and complicated I end up making myself miserable. Perhaps that’s something I’ll figure out in my 30s.’

In your 20s

In your 30s

Tanya de Grunwald is a 29-year-old features writer and author of Dude, Where’s My Career? The Guide For Baffled Graduates (£8.99, Summersdale).

Erin Kelly is a 32-year-old journalist and author of numerous books. She lives in London with her husband Michael Moylan, an actor.

‘The best advice I’ve heard was from Susan Quilliam, a counsellor and author. She said the main difference between relationships that start off intense but fizzle out and ones that last is that short-lived affairs are about gazing into each other’s eyes, while the ones which go the distance work because the couple are looking in the same direction. Mike and I share lots of dreams and values.

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‘I was recovering from food poisoning on New Year’s Eve when Gavrik and I first met in 1985. It was a magical snow-swept day in Soho, but I looked thin, pale and wobbly. I wasn’t the sexiest or most vivacious incarnation of womanhood, but this funny, irreverent New Yorker brought out a little spark of enthusiasm in me.

‘I grew up surrounded by a coterie of interesting single European women, particularly during my teens when my parents’ marriage broke down. One of them – a Dutch lady called Marion – taught me lots of things about love. She was objective, had lived through the war in Holland, suffered serious heartbreaks of her own and always said, “No man is worth crying over for more than 24 hours. Cry your heart out for a day, but then step back and realise that not everyone’s taste is the same. Never try to be someone you’re not, just to please a man.”

‘For a long time, I found it tough to follow Marion’s excellent advice. My mother was very needy. She felt she had to find another man to define her. I loved her to bits but I think women

‘When Richard and I met – at the school where our four-year-old sons were in the same class – I really wasn’t looking for a relationship. But something hit me and, yes, it was definitely love at first sight. I was 33, he was 36 and all I can remember thinking was, “He’s mine!”.

‘On our first date he cooked me a meal – the most romantic thing he could do for a single mother of a four- and six-year-old. He was thoughtful, generous and kind and was ready to take all three of us on. I remember thinking I couldn’t let this opportunity slip by.

‘Now all these years on, I don’t think our relationship works because we don’t have any conflict. We do. It’s important we share the same values and at least some interests, but as we are different people I think the kind of conflict we have gives us spice. I eventually found out what I didn’t want after many doomed relationships, but then realised that when I stopped people-pleasing, everything slotted into place. Love is easy when you’re true to yourself and honest about your needs.

‘I always went for men who “needed” me, then tried to change them. When I

of our mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations were financially dependent on their men, which dictated so much of their compliance, or feeling that they were incomplete without a man. Our own generation of women, being much better educated and aware of their powers and potential, has mostly put an end to that.

‘I knew I had to find out who I was before I could be with anyone else. And I think for that reason I quite deliberately picked men during my teens and 20s who were never going to nest. One of them was a handsome male model. He had several girls at one time and seemed such

stand and shout and scream at me, and threaten to run. But when the shouting’s over, I’ll still be standing here. I’m not going anywhere.”

‘After so many years, we never run out of things to say to each other. We live, work and raise our two daughters together, but can still talk all night into the quiet hours. I see some couples at dinner in smart restaurants who have long pauses between their food courses. Gavrik and I can never fit everything in.

‘My intellectual tie with Gavrik is the most important thing, although there is still plenty of physical magnetism. I think love flourishes when someone is truly a friend, someone you can talk to and watch the world with. The births of our children have been fantastic milestones in our marriage. He went out and took photos of the world on the days our daughters were born as keepsakes and so they could know what the rest of the world was up to while they were entering it. I find that very romantic. And I’m still so in love with him. I love his mind, his politics, his sense of humour. All I wish for our future is a chance to go on exchanging thoughts and the time to still enjoy each other.’

decided to stop wasting my time, Richard walked into my life. In return, I think it made me grow up a lot – I became less demanding and more accepting.

‘I’m not smug about my relationship, but I think it works because I don’t believe in Prince Charming. No man is perfect and if he was, he’d be boring. Women shouldn’t keep banging on about their feelings and expect a man to be eternally interested – it gets tiresome. Trying to change a man is also a useless and soul-destroying activity.

‘When the lust stage is over you must be able to survive domestic trivia like putting out the dustbins and parental duties. Sometimes, it’s been sharing these ordinary experiences which has given me the most pleasure. His total support of whatever I do makes us a strong team.

‘Ultimately, intimate relationships are always a challenge, whatever the period in history and whatever our ages. It’s a myth that true love runs easy; true love needs to be constantly worked at and you get out only what you put in.’

In your 40s

In your 50s

Titania Hardie is a 40-year-old author. Her latest book, The Rose Labyrinth (£6.99, Headline), is available online and at all good bookstores. She’s married to Gavrik Losey, a film producer and part-time university lecturer.

Lynda Field is a 56-year-old life coach and author of 17 books on love, happiness and life-coaching (www.lyndafield.com). She’s married to Richard Field, a consultant.

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love flourishes when your lover is a friend,

someone you can talk to

an appetising challenge. But he also broke my heart, again and again.

‘Discovering the balance between being flexible and being a doormat is difficult. But I feel that being able to give in sometimes is a sign of strength, not weakness. It helps in my case that my man was married before and didn’t want to walk out after the first stubborn contest between us. I will forever remember him saying to me, “You can

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