what i mean (when i say i love you) (2009)

wanna know what i hate? poets. wanna know why? erotic poetry.

because most of the happy horseshit being passed off as erotic poetry these days is nothing more than lists of body parts and what they intend to do with them, interspersed with endless repetitions of the word love love love… as if it actually meant something.

that’s not sexy, that’s lazy. if you can’t write a love poem without using the word love, then you are not a poet; you are a greeting card salesman.

well, i’m here to take i love you back, so when i say it, it won’t be some vague erotic notion, no, when i say i love you, i mean as long as i’m around, you will always have someone to pick you up from the airport. that is sexy!

and you will always have someone to help you move your heavy-assed couch up three flights of narrow apartment complex stairs, and you will always have someone to hold your hair back out of your face while you regurgitate margaritas into the bathtub. and i know it’s the bathtub and not the toilet because you think sticking your face in a toilet is nasty, and i know this not because i love you and this knowledge has magically seeped into my brain through love osmosis, no, it’s because i pay attention!

you wanna know what love is? i will tell you what love is! i will go to the corner store at 3 in the morning on my bicycle in the rain to get you tampons! and i will remember to buy the pint of chunky monkey you didn’t even ask for because i know you like ice cream when your cramps are bad. and i know this because i’ve got your back! and by that, i mean the little space between your shoulder blades you can never reach when it itches really bad? i freakin’ got that!

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when i want you to know i love you, i won’t waste money on flowers — oh look honey, here’s something beautiful you can watch die! — no, i’ll sneak over to your apartment while you’re at work and clean your kitchen. that’s sexy!

and i won’t allow our arguments to become fights because i will spend more time listening than simply waiting for my turn to talk, more time giving you the benefit of the doubt than picking at old wounds to score points, more time learning from my mistakes than repeatedly apologizing for them.

it’s easy to love you when we are so beautiful, but i will love you even when things get really fucking ugly. i will love you even when i fucking hate you.

and should the time come when it’s time to move on, i will let go. and when you introduce me to your new boyfriend, i will tell you he seems like a nice guy, and i’m happy for you… even though your name is tattooed on the center of my chest so no matter how hard someone else presses their body against mine, you will always be closer to my heart.

and i mean that metaphorically…

because i ain’t gettin’ a fuckin’ tattoo…

when i say i love you, i mean it.

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