welcome to the open sky webinar! we will start at 6pm- see you soon
TRANSCRIPT
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Welcome to the open sky webinar!
We will start at 6pm- see you soon.
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Parting mindfullyNAVIGATING SEPARATION, DIVORCE, AND BEYOND
Kara L Collins, MFT-C
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“Divorcism”
There is a “right way” to divorce I gave up or didn’t try hard enough My children will be damaged
forever I should be happy Divorce has to involved a lot of
conflict No one understands Single parent families are harmful
to children I will be alone forever We should stay together for the
kids
Common Assumptions
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Reality for Parents
Social isolation Depression Grief Loss of support (friends
and family) Moving Loss of job or need to
gain employment Loss of income Impact on children
Parents
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Reality for Children
Grief Loss of routine Loss of stability New school New responsibilities Loss of
activities/lifestyle Loss of non-custodial
parent and extended family
Loss of siblings and friends
Children
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A ROAD MAP TO SEPARATION & DIVORCE
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Ahrons’ Four Types of Divorced Couples
The style of interaction and communication a couple develops post divorce affects all of their future intimate
relationships and family relationships.
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Perfect Pals & Cooperative Colleagues
Perfect Pals•High interaction and communication•Close and caring relationship
Cooperative Colleagues•Moderate interaction and high
communication•Able to compartmentalize anger
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Angry Associates & Fiery Foes
Angry Associates•Moderate Interaction and Low
Communication•Unable to contain their anger to marital
differences
Fiery Foes•Little interaction and low communication
•highly litigious divorces
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Dissolved Duos
•Single parent
•No contact with non-custodial parent
•Lack of contact can negatively effectchildren, even if the marriage was unsafe
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The Emotional Process of Divorce
Think of divorce as a ‘developmental transition’
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The Formal Divorce
• “Divorce within a Divorce”Social, spiritual, financial, mental,
emotional, etc.
•Legal agreement for custody, child and spousal support, and community property.
•Take it slow- try not to make legal decision in the midst of emotional overwhelm or crisis
Get the info you needKnow your rightsConsider info carefully before making a
decision
•Ask yourself:Will I get revenge? Will this help me
move on?
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Alternatives to Litigation
Mediation Collaborative Law Parent Classes & Education Marriage Classes & Education Financial Planners Divorce Coaches Family Counseling Support Groups
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How Divorce Affects Adolescents
GIRLS• Internalize
• “Sleeper-effect”
• Somatic symptoms
• Struggle with relationships in the future
BOYS •Externalize
• Show adjustment issues immediately
• Overtly symptomatic
• Better success in future relationships
•Adolescents probably know what is going on•Keep boundaries and routine consistent to avoid splitting•Conflict between parents may negatively affect long term
relationships with children
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Family Structure
BlakeBlake CarlyCarly
DavidDavid MariaMaria Pre-Divorce
Post Announcement
DavidDavid
BlakeBlake CarlyCarly
MariaMaria Family systems are always trying to maintain homeostasis.
When one parent leaves, the system becomes destabilized and family members attempt to reestablish stability.Ex) A chair missing a leg
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Triangulation
CarlyCarly
DavidDavidMariaMaria
BlakeBlake
Post Separation •When a system becomes unstable due to divorce or conflict anxiety arises. •In attempts to stabilize the marital relationship, children will often become the 3rd leg to lower the anxiety.
•Parents can assign this role or some kids will act out drawing attention away from the conflict between parents. •This creates the common dynamic of children of divorced families being “caught in the middle”.
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Parentification
1 year post separation
CarlyCarly
MariaMariaDavidDavid MariaMariaCarlyCarly
•Common for child/children to assume the roles and responsibilities of the absent parent.
•Potential for parentification increases when parent is seriously emotionally distressed by the divorce, has a previous mental illness, or in the case of a “Dissolved Duo”.
• Best way to counteract this common pattern is to seek support for yourself and children, continue to hold boundaries, and keep marital issues and conflict away from kids. Ex) therapy, family therapy, support groups, mentors, extended family members
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Beyond Divorce Dating, Remarriage, and Step-
Parenting
Consider dating and remarriage another major family transition• establish new roles, rituals, boundaries, and structure
AnnaAnna
TheresaTheresa
BlakeBlake CarlyCarly
DavidDavid MariaMariaTomTom
5 years post separation
Step-sister
Step-mom
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Dating & Remarriage
• 60% of second marriages end in divorce
• What you do in your personal life does affect your children.
• Take time to understand the strengths and weaknesses of your last marriage and your role in the divorce. ex) looking at unhealthy patterns, issues from family of origin
• No formula to when it is ok to move on and start datingCheck your motives- Am I ready? Is my family ready? Am I doing
this for comfort?
DO YOUR WORK SO YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP WILL BE
DIFFERENT!
• Keep open and appropriate communication with your former partner around dating.
YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT MESSENGERS
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Step-Parenting
Take it slow- allow kids to come to you. Refer to bio parent and ex-spouse to establish
rules, boundaries, and routine at first. Be involved in creating new rituals and routines
for the family. Remember that you are a valuable resource in
the family. Your role allows you to bridge the gap between
mentor/parent/friend/support. Keep an open dialogue with kids about their
emotions, needs, boundaries, and relationship with you.
Encourage kids to spend time one-on-one with their bio parents.
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Things TO do
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QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, FEEDBACK?
THANKS FOR JOINING US THIS EVENING!
YOUR PARTICIPATION SPEAKS VOLUMES TO THE DEDICATION AND LOVE YOU HAVE FOR
YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILIES.
Kara Collins [email protected]
Please leave this browser window open when the webinar is finished; it will take you to a
short survey.
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References
Ahrons, Constance. (1994). The Good Divorce. New York: Harper Collins.
Bracke, P., Gouwy, A., Wauterickx, N. (2006). Parental Divorce and Depression: Long-Term Effects on Adult Children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, vol. 45 (3/4) 43-65.
Garon, R. (2005). Collaborative Law. Retrieved from http://www.divorceabc.com.
Hawkins, A., Fackrell, T. (2013). Should I Keep trying to work it out: A guidebook for individuals and couples at the crossroads of divorce (and before). (Power Point Slides). Retrieved from
http://www.strongermarriage.org. Stevenson, M., Black, K. (1994) How Divorce Affects
Offspring. New York: Harper Collins.