LOGISTICS

Calls are on Wednesdays. 1230pm or 730pm. every week.

Calls are 75-90 min, often longer

Q & A starts when I’m done lecturing. Have your Q’s ready. I will say your first name.

This is being recorded and turned into a product later.

Confidentiality

Connect with someone inside this circle on a regular basis (Find a partner given your demographics, interests, etc. Read everyone’s posts (google doc).

Use the FB group (no going it solo, unless…)

Send questions to info@jaysongaddis.com

Who are you?

we have quite a diverse group….

END YOUR STRUGGLE WITH HIM IN 30 DAYS—CLASS 1with Jayson Gaddis

1.No asking him to change for 30 days2.No talking about this course with him for 30 days, live it

3.I am responsible for the results I get in this course

4.I am responsible for my experience and my confidentiality.

5.I will play full out (the degree to which you play is the degree to which you get a result)

6.I agree to not blame him or myself for 30 days, instead I will learn to take responsibility for my part

OUR AGREEMENTS FOR 30 DAYS

—Dr. John Demartini

“Whatever you can’t say thank you for is baggage, whatever you can is fuel.”

NEST MEDITATION

Conflict mp3 Series

How To Calm Yourself Down In Minutes

–Duane Mullner, quoting Fritz Perls

“There’s no such thing as resistance, only protection”

It’s time to shift this…

“I was banging my head against the invisible concrete

wall of his heart…”

WORST CASE SCENARIO

You do nothing but attend these calls and listen. Your life will change. You cannot hear what i’m going to share without being altered in some significant way.

And, you’ll get even more out of this if you show up, work hard, and engage the material fully.

IN THIS CLASS

How to turn this around right now

The 180 Clarity to Freedom Process

6 c’s

Requirements for this 30 days

BASIC REQUIREMENTS TO SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS IN 30 DAYS

Practice:

N.e.s.t. Meditation

No more hope, just direct action

Two feet in. Do the homework

No fantasies. Just a real solid framework…

Don’t go it alone

3 KEYS TO CHANGE THIS IN 30 DAYS

There’s loads to focus on, but we’re going to zero in on 3 things:

The 180 Clarity to Freedom Process

Know yourself POS

Understand Him (male psychology)

DESIRED OUTCOME

We’re going to:

Get to the real issue and find out if it’s that, or just a communication issue.

Get you empowered. This will help you make a move. Stay and deepen, or leave.

My bottom line? Educate you and empower you with a stellar framework & practical tools. That’s my aim and my mission for the next 30days.

WHAT DOES EMPOWERED MEAN?

You are the author of your life

You are self-governed

You are sovereign

You are willing to choose you above everyone else

You don’t tolerate people that can’t, or won’t, meet you

FIRST…YOUR MINDSET MATTERS

We need to get on the same page around the view of relationship and intimacy.

Mindset—You need to believe bigger love is possible for you

The most basic recipe for a successful thriving partnership or marriage is this:

Shared view

Shared language/tools

PROPER VIEW AND FRAMEWORK

What is LOVE anyway?

(Read blog post this week)

shared languageshared tools

shared view

Your POS His POS

Non-negotiable Pillars

YOU WANT YOUR MAN TO JOIN YOU, RIGHT?

Okay, but “HOW” you do this is everything.

You cannot try to change him or get him on board. That will not work. You’ve tried. No deal.

THE BRILLIANT, ADVANCED MOVE

Once you learn this, you’re never going back to the old way, ever.

This is the game changer move, in 2 steps:

Step 1:

Learn how to be with your experience, completely (feel the core feeling)

Step 2:

The 180…

THE 180 CLARITY TO FREEDOM PROCESS

Back to the view. Zoom out.

You are the Earth, He is the Earth. Half dark, half light.

Your relationship is polarized

Unconscious

Conscious

YOUR OLD WAY

EHH

You’ve been trying to pull him out of the darkness and into the light…

…and not knowing, or avoiding the issues it’s triggering in you

You try to mitigate and minimize what it’s bringing up in you by focusing on him, what he’s doing, and what he’s not doing

But that approach keeps you in the dark about you. It’s just you projecting (your parents) and avoiding what’s getting triggered in you.

Unconscious

Conscious

YOUR NEW WAY—THE 180 CLARITY TO FREEDOM PROCESS

The 180 is to pull (attend to) the disowned aspect of YOU out of the darkness and into the light, thus, getting to the real issue that needs to be addressed

1.Stop the old way, Look in mirror

2.Get to the real issue

3.See how this issue has helped you

4.Reparent yourself

180 CLARITY TO FREEDOM PROCESS

Going inside to mine the gold…

Finding your 5c’s. Core issueCore complaint

Core Strategy

Core Feeling

Core Fear

180 CLARITY TO FREEDOM PROCESS & THE 5 C’S

How to zero in on the part of your history that needs attention

Core Complaint (about them)

Core Feeling/Emotion in me

Core Issue (Wound/Belief) in me

Core Fear in me

Core Strategy in me—-Your core strategy that arose out of this experience?

CORE COMPLAINT (OUT THERE)

He’s shut down and withdraws from me.

He’s unavailable.

He’s resistant

He drinks too much (addictive behaviors)

He doesn’t want to do the work

Key point: Owning this gets you out of polarization

CORE FEELING (IN ME)

I feel abandoned, unloved, and alone

I feel unmet and unseen

I feel rejected for who I am

What are the sensations and emotions that go along with this?

CORE ISSUE (WOUND/BELIEF) …IN ME

There’s something fundamentally wrong with me

I’m worthless

I don’t matter

I don’t deserve it

I’m unlovable as I am

CORE FEAR

My core relational fear is that…

I will be judged

I will have to feel more pain

I will lose control

My kids will suffer

I will be abandoned

I will be rejected

I will lose relationship

The biggie? I will be alone and never find someone again…

CORE STRATEGY THAT AROSE OUT OF THE PREVIOUS 4?

I became a good guy/nice girl. I’m a helper.

I became a care taker

I became a supportive listener, attending to others wants and needs before my own

I became uber driven and achievement/performance driven. I became a perfectionist

I collapsed and hated myself

I did sex, drugs, food, video games/porn to FEEL ANYTHING and seek connection, since my house was void of connection

Key Point: **This is what we did to exchange our authenticity for connection.

“BALANCING”

We are going to stop running away from our “stuff” and balance the Core Complaint & Core Issue, and Feel the Core Feeling and stop running from it, Face the Core Fear, and celebrate the Core Strategy

MORE CONTEXT

Zoom out

Magnet

Look at nature—creation, destruction.

I challenge you to find anything that has one side.

BALANCING CORE COMPLAINT

Chief Aim: Balance. Integration. Self-love, reclaiming disowned parts. Clearing out the hurt and baggage so we can feel connected again, see, and be seen. This feels amazing and will improve your ability to do relationship in a healthy, conscious way.

Method: Pros and Cons.

Step 1. Pick a trait out there you don’t like: (lazy, unavailable, negligent, self-centered, distant, heart-closed, etc) ex. “He’s unavailable”

he’s unavailable

Step 2. Own this in yourself. Go find 15 times you’ve been unavailable to others in the past. Write their names down and where it happened. Do this until you can say, “Yes, I own that trait, I’m also unavailable at times.”

BALANCING CORE COMPLAINT

Step 3. What are the benefits to me being unavailable to those 15 people? Write down at least one way it was helpful to each person.

Step 4. Back to you. What are the benefits to my man being unavailable? How does it help me when he is unavailable? (think back to who was “unavailable” well before you met your man? Mom? Dad?) How did it help me when mom or dad were unavailable? How did it serve me? What did I learn? How did I adapt?

Hint: Think of your core strategy. Nice guy/girl, performer, etc. Your core strategy developed as a result of some aspect of your core complaint.

Take inventory to see how that “core strategy” is helping you, back then, and now? Write down a minimum of 15.

How did my strategy help others like mom/dad, siblings, what did it do for me in school, work, etc.

Step 5. Look for the other side. When my dad/mom were “unavailable,” who was available? Who was expressing the opposite in that exact moment? Look hard and see that the other side of the coin was there.

Bonus: Think about the drawbacks if your parents and partner were available all the time. This helps us be realistic.

BALANCING CORE ISSUE

Chief Aim:

• Gets you empowered

• Gets you over your victim story and more trusting of your past and the way it went down.

• Helps you trust life is precise and not out to get you

• Gets us to see life accurately, what really happened

• Gets us to lessen the charge so we don’t feel so “hooked” and “triggered” by our partner in such big ways.

• Removes another barriers and calcified layers to the love and connection we want

Must focus on the deeper issue that came along prior to our partner. So, if your spouse is the most triggering in your mind, it’s probably not accurate. It’s most upsetting because you are around them most. They push the button most. But the bigger issue is with your folks or caregivers.

If you have no memories of your childhood, you’ll need to start remembering and asking. Dig out the photo albums. Call mom and dad, siblings, and get their take.

BALANCING CORE ISSUE

Method: Pros and Cons.

Step 1. Identify the core issues/experience you want to balance. Example “I feel abandoned and ignored.” Look for the behavior they did that triggered your experience of this. Notice how your Dad didn’t abandon you, you simply felt that way given whatever was going on at that time.

Step 2. Write down 50 benefits to feeling abandoned and ignored. (DO 10 per week for 5 weeks)

In other words if your Dad was working all the time or drinking alcohol all the time, he was choosing that over you due to his POS and priorities. You were not abandoned. He was simply choosing other things and you are, and were, expecting him to make you a priority. That’s a childhood fantasy.

For example, my dad was too busy busting his ass for our family to be able to tune into me. No one ever taught him how to do emotions or true connections, so how could he be available for me. And, he was busy putting food on our table and a roof over our head so my Mom could raise us.

Step 3. When my dad/mom were dissociated, shut down, and unavailable and choosing work or other stuff, who was there for me? Who was expressing the opposite in that exact moment? Look hard and see that the other side of the coin was there. It is. You just need to find it.

HOMEWORK

Finish pre-homework.

180 clarity to freedom worksheet (homework 1)

180 clarity to freedom worksheet (homework 2) with the 5 c’s.

Share with someone.

QUESTIONS?