webseries season 3 episode 2

8/7/2019 Webseries Season 3 Episode 2

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FADE IN:

INT - THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT

Smolder sits on the edge of the desk, Scullery sits at the desk, Alan sits on top of the

desk, and Steve stands in the doorway.

SMOLDER

You want us to prove that God's not

real?

STEVE

No. I want you to prove that this guy

I met isn't God.

SCULLERYSo you want us to prove that this guy

you met is a liar?

STEVE

Basically.

ALAN

Do we look like Theologians to you?!

STEVE

I don't know... what do Theologians look

like?

SMOLDER

They look like the type of person who'd

lurk around a gas station and dress

in clothes that don't belong to them.

SCULLERY

What the heck are you talking about

Smolder?

SMOLDER

I have no idea!

STEVE

Are you going to help me or not?



ALAN

We'll take the case.

EXT - CHURCH - DAY

Scullery and Smolder are standing in the middle of the church. Scullery is holding Alan.

Sezbak walks toward them.

SCULLERY

What are we doing here Smolder?

SMOLDER

We're gonna ask Pastor Sezbak about God.

SEZBAKOh, I'm not a pastor.

SMOLDER

Father Sezbak then...

SEZBAK

I don't have children.

SMOLDER

If you're not a Father or a Pastor then

what are you?

SEZBAK

I just like to think of myself as a dude

who hangs out in a large building.

SCULLERY

We'd like to ask you some questions about

God.

They all sit down on the nearest pew.

SEZBAK

Well first I need to know which god you're

referring to and then I need to know if

you're FBI agents.



SCULLERY

We're referring to the one true God--

SMOLDER

And we use to be FBI agents...

SEZBAK

But you're not anymore right?

SMOLDER

Right.

SEZBAK

That's good cause if the government

ever found out about what Unitarianism

is really all about we'd be screwed.

ALAN

What's the latest thing you guys believe in?

SEZBAK

We believe that everyone has an invisible

wallet and we're trying to learn how to

pickpocket that wallet from unbelievers with

our brains.

ALAN

That sounds lovely.

SMOLDER

What can you tells us about God?

SEZBAK

Nothing really.

SMOLDER

Are you sure?

SEZBAK

I might have some pamphlets that

actual christians dropped off in a vain

attempt to evangelize us.



ALAN

We'll take 'em.

CUT TO:

EXT - APARTMENT COMPLEX TABLE AREA - DAY

Smolder and Scullery sit at an umbrella covered table looking at pamphlets. Alan sits on

the table.

SCULLERY

These pamphlets are sort of helpful...

SMOLDER

I was clearly misinformed about Christianity.

GOD walks by the table. He's dressed in a long white night shirt and a fake white bushy

beard. He's also bald.

ALAN

There he goes!

Smolder and Scullery drop the pamphlets.

ALAN

What's the game plan?

SCULLERY

I think we should be subtle and trick him

into saying something that proves he's not

God.

SMOLDER

Good plan Scullery.

Smolder and Scullery stand up and casually stride up to God. Scullery is holding Alan.

SMOLDER

So we hear you think you’re God.

Scullery smacks her forehead with her right palm.

GOD



That’s interesting because I heard I

am God.

SCULLERY

And you believe that?

GOD

God doesn’t base his belief that he’s

God in anything other than himself so yes,

I do believe that.

SCULLERY

That doesn't seem logical.

GOD

What if I asked you why you believeyou’re a human?

SMOLDER

Touche.

CUT TO:

INT - BACK ROOM - DAY

Smolder, God, and Scullery are sitting on a couch playing a video game. Alan is sitting

on Scullery's lap.

ALAN

Well If you’re God then show us a sign.

Make a roller coaster so dangerous that

even you would die if something went horribly

wrong.

GOD

That's an impossible miracle for an

omnibenevolent being to perform becauseall roller coasters are extremely dangerous.

SMOLDER

Then levitate or---

Smolder puts down his controller and holds up a kumquat.



SMOLDER

--turn this kumquat into a vegetable.

GOD

Why would God have to prove he’s God.I want you to have faith in me.

Smolder puts the kumquat down and picks up his controller again.

SCULLERY

So if you give us proof then we can’t have

faith.

GOD

Yes, because faith is believing despite evidenceto the contrary.

CUT TO:

INT - BATHROOM - DAY

Smolder is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, God is sitting on the toilet cutting his toe

nails, and Scullery and Alan are sitting on the counter.

SMOLDER

So then why don’t you give us evidence that

you’re not God. Because that sounds more like

something God might do then?

ALAN

Like maybe plant fake Dinosaur bones all

over the world so that we think evolution is

true when really they’re just leftovers from

some cosmic dinner.

GODWell God isn’t the one who supplies the

contrary evidence. That would be silly. It’s

those evil scientists that are deceiving you

all. You need to disbelieve the science

without reason, because it proves that I

don’t exist.



SMOLDER

Wait... what?

CUT TO:

INT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

God, Smolder, Scullery, and Alan are all sitting in a circle in the dark.

SMOLDER

Let’s change the subject. What about the

problem of evil?

GOD

Umm, I’m not sure there is a problem withevil.

God winks at Scullery and she feigns death.

SMOLDER

Really? Cause a dead hamster I had in 3rd

grade thinks there’s a problem with death.

And death seems pretty evil.

GOD

Death is a natural part of life.

SCULLERY

If you’re God then you can do whatever

you want, so why did you make death a

part of life?

GOD

Because I’m God. I do what I want.

ALANThen maybe you’re not good cause

death is terrible.

GOD

Do you know what good is, or what

a good God would even be like?



SMOLDER

That seems like a pretty complicated question,

but I do think that any God who isn’t good isn’t

the greatest possible being imaginable and is

therefore a poor candidate for the genuine God.

God winks at Alan and Alan flips upside down.

SMOLDER

(causally)

You're clearly the murder.

GOD

So you’re saying that if I’m not good then I’m

not God?

SMOLDER

Sure.

GOD

Why can’t God be who he wants to be?

SMOLDER

What if I wanted to be God?

GOD

I wouldn’t stand in your way. How do you

think I became God?

ALAN

(muffled)

Ha! We got you!

GOD

Oh please!

CUT TO:

INT - THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT

Smolder sits at the desk and Scullery and Alan are sitting on the couch. Smolder is on

the phone.



SMOLDER

We secretly recorded him saying it.

(pauses)

Yeah.

(pauses)Steve, I wanna ask you something.

Why was this so important to you?

(pauses)

Boredom isn't a good reason! Stop

wasting our time!

(pauses)

Well, at least my mother isn't in prison!

Smolder hangs up the phone.

SMOLDER

I'm starting to not like Steve.

SCULLERY

I never liked him in the first place.

The phone RINGS.

Smolder answers the phone.

SMOLDER

Hello...

INT - JEFF'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Jeff is huddled up on his bed with the phone.

JEFF

Drake came back from the dead...

FADE OUT:THE END

webseries season 3 episode 2

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