we can be heroes

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1. EXT. LA JOLLA SHORES ROAD – MORNING EXTRA LONG SHOT of La Jolla Shores road. Out for a run and heading straight for us is ALBERT CALIGARI, potential do- gooder who hasn’t done much good yet. Cam is with ALBERT, bundled up like a white-girl Eskimo in heavy winter running apparel. CUT TO: EXT. LA JOLLA SHORES – MORNING Cam crawls along the waterline of the beach, where yesterday’s rain and choppy surf have kept people out of the water and off the sand. BACK TO ALBERT, stopping for a breather. Meanwhile, a group of breast cancer FUN-RUNNERS passes by. Cam pans around ALBERT to reveal a SIGN promoting today’s breast cancer charity run. ALBERT takes off after the FUN-RUNNERS competitively. LOW ANGLE shot of the determined ALBERT from the front, closing the distance between him and the group of elderly, pink-shirted women. He selects a new song on his IPOD – his pump up song – and accelerates. AUDIO CUE: PUMP UP SONG BACK TO the beach. This time cam is lower, crawling along the waterline, just above the white-wash going in and out… BACK TO ALBERT outsprinting the elderly FUN-RUNNERS. ALBERT makes a hard right down the stairs descending into the heart of Scripps. The charity run, however, continues straight down the road, with its signs of encouragement extending off into the horizon. CLOSE UP of ALBERT as he descends the stairs, huffing and puffing. He makes jabs at the air like Rocky. BACK TO beach. Crawling shot continues, aimed at the ground and still moving at a nonchalant pace. CUT TO TRACKING SHOT of ALBERT running along the far, waterfront edge of the campus. He passes Scripps pier and takes the ramp descending down to the beach. SHOT of ALBERT, now running along the beach away from Scripps pier and towards the cliffs of Black’s Beach. BACK TO moving waterfront shot. The camera finally settles on a lifeless HAND caught in the water.

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Kid becomes Aquaman. Hilarity ensues. Read this classic piece of literature. Famously written in 24 hours. Seriously, it's great stuff. Superheroes are in it, in a post modern sense. Come on, you know you want to.

TRANSCRIPT

  • 1.

    EXT. LA JOLLA SHORES ROAD MORNING

    EXTRA LONG SHOT of La Jolla Shores road. Out for a run and heading straight for us is ALBERT CALIGARI, potential do-gooder who hasnt done much good yet.

    Cam is with ALBERT, bundled up like a white-girl Eskimo in heavy winter running apparel.

    CUT TO: EXT. LA JOLLA SHORES MORNING

    Cam crawls along the waterline of the beach, where yesterdays rain and choppy surf have kept people out of the water and off the sand.

    BACK TO ALBERT, stopping for a breather. Meanwhile, a group of breast cancer FUN-RUNNERS passes by. Cam pans around ALBERT to reveal a SIGN promoting todays breast cancer charity run. ALBERT takes off after the FUN-RUNNERS competitively.

    LOW ANGLE shot of the determined ALBERT from the front, closing the distance between him and the group of elderly, pink-shirted women. He selects a new song on his IPOD his pump up song and accelerates.

    AUDIO CUE: PUMP UP SONG

    BACK TO the beach. This time cam is lower, crawling along the waterline, just above the white-wash going in and out

    BACK TO ALBERT outsprinting the elderly FUN-RUNNERS.

    ALBERT makes a hard right down the stairs descending into the heart of Scripps. The charity run, however, continues straight down the road, with its signs of encouragement extending off into the horizon.

    CLOSE UP of ALBERT as he descends the stairs, huffing and puffing. He makes jabs at the air like Rocky.

    BACK TO beach. Crawling shot continues, aimed at the ground and still moving at a nonchalant pace.

    CUT TO TRACKING SHOT of ALBERT running along the far, waterfront edge of the campus. He passes Scripps pier and takes the ramp descending down to the beach.

    SHOT of ALBERT, now running along the beach away from Scripps pier and towards the cliffs of Blacks Beach.

    BACK TO moving waterfront shot. The camera finally settles on a lifeless HAND caught in the water.

  • 2.

    XCU shot of ALBERT slowing to a complete stop as something

    in the sand grabs his attention.

    MUSIC CUT-OFF CUE.

    BIRDS EYE shot of still BODY caught in the sand, shirtless, ragged, Straight Outta Atlantis. Its an ATLANTEAN.

    CU SHOT of the looking-very-much-not-alive ATLANTEAN from the side, a speechless ALBERT in the background.

    XCU of a perplexed ALBERT. He removes his headphones one by one and looks into the distance.

    LONG SHOT of rocky coast extending all the way to Blacks. No signs of life.

    BACK TO ALBERT. He turns around.

    CUT TO LONG SHOT of Scripps pier and the rest of La Jolla Shores. Nobodys around - guess its not a beach day.

    BACK TO ALBERT in thought.

    WIDE SHOT of ALBERT standing over the ATLANTEAN. Making his decision, he suddenly turns and walks OFF SCREEN RIGHT.

    The body is left where it is. Doesnt seem like hes coming back.

    The ATLANTEAN heaves to life: attempting to push himself out of the water, he slips and collapses, making a splash. ALBERT rushes back ON SCREEN.

    CUT TO WIDE SHOT of ALBERT dragging ATLANTEAN up the beach entrance ramp he ran down before.

    CUT TO CU of ATLANTEAN being dropped to the ground by ALBERT next to the wash station. ALBERT begins by checking for a pulse on the ATLANTEANs neck, then searches his body for any important belongings.

    Cam pans down with ALBERTs search. We get a good look at what the ATLANTEAN is wearing: a funky GOLDEN NECKLACE, shiny wrist GAUNTLET things, and like, sea shells everywhere, hes a cross between King Neptune and a transient.

    Cam cuts out to the WIDE SHOT again, showing ALBERT looking desperate for divine intervention. He returns his attention to the ATLANTEAN.

  • 3.

    CU Cam of ALBERT giving really shitty CPR to the ATLANTEAN.

    3 pumps, check the heart and repeat. At one point ALBERT moves to the ATLANTEANs mouth, considering mouth to mouth, but he chickens out, returning to CPR. After the 4th round of chest contractions, the ATLANTEAN grabs ALBERT by the wrist. ALBERT looks up and finds that the ATLANTEAN is staring at him haggardly, but very much alive.

    SOUND CUE: a loud STINGING noise.

    ALBERT recoils and wrenches free, cradling the wrist the ATLANTEAN got a hold of. XCU of the red, swollen STING that the ATLANTEAN left on ALBERTs wrist.

    ATLANTEAN beckons ALBERT with an open hand, gasping for his

    final words. Hesitently, ALBERT reapproaches.

    XCU of ALBERT as he sinks lower and lower to the ATLANTEAN to hear what powerful words he will utter in his final fleeting moments.

    ATLANTEAN

    (last breath)

    sweet release.

    The ATLANTEAN smiles ruefully, like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. XCU of a confused ALBERT.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    (OFF SCREEN)

    Uhyeah, hello? Anyone up there?

    ALBERT looks behind to find the source of the voice. Its coming from below, on the beach.

    ALBERT is looking over the guard rail. Cam is below him, pointing up.

    ALBERT

    Hello?

    LONG SHOT from ALBERTs position, looking over the beach. Another man, strangely dressed, has walked out of the ocean. A trail of seaweed leads back into the ocean. Another ATLANTEAN. He speaks with a brazenly thick Australian accent.

  • 4.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Hi! I, uhbelieve you have a dead body up there?

    ALBERT turns away from the ledge to discover that his ATLANTEAN looks assuredly dead this time. He looks back to the ATLANTEAN.

    ALBERT

    You know?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Yeah.

    A beat.

    ALBERT

    did you kill him?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Whuh? Oh, nahhh. Think this one did himself in.

    ALBERT

    Oh

    A beat.

    youre from the ocean?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Yeah.

    ALBERT

    Are you a mermaid then?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Does it look like I have posterior caudal fin, boy?

    ALBERT

    But you still came from the ocean.

  • 5.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Yeah, but so did you, right? Ya little land loving monkeyjust a bunch a sea monkeys that got tired of the water.

    ALBERT

    Thats not what they teach us.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Oh, theres a lot they dont teach ya.

    A beat.

    He didnttouch you, did he?

    ALBERT

    Yeah. Why?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    (to himself, annoyed)

    Christ of Mother Ocean

    (louder)

    Well, lets just go up there and assess the damage, shall we?

    The ATLANTEAN MESSENGER begins walking towards the ramp.

    ALBERT

    Wait, why?!

    CUT TO WIDE SHOT back by the wash station. ATLN. MESSENGER looks over the corpse, ALBERT hovers behind him.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Well.

    ALBERT

    Well, what?

  • 6.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    I Think hes dead.

    ALBERT

    No shit hes dead. Now, whyd he touch me?

    MESSENGER turns to ALBERT.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Ok look, Im in a bit of a rush, so Ill give ya a 5 minute history lesson that will be, in your case, a

    bit revisionist. Kay?

    ALBERT

    Yeah, whatever.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Alrightnow where do you think you come from? Like--youre not dumb, right? You believe in evolution? Cool--so tell me who you think your closest species relatives are.

    ALBERT

    Well, thats obvious, its chimpanzees. And gorill--

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Wrong. Dead wrong.

    (pauses for dramatic effect)

    Sea Monkeys.

    ALBERT

    Wha-

  • 7.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    You all, all your people-- Black, white, yellow, whatever-- your all descended from sea monkeys. Youre just a buncha sea monkeys who thought itd be cool to start walking on land. Thought you were all hot shit, too, struttin about with ya fancy dry clothes, and ya smooth conditioned hair. BUT--

    ALBERT

    But what about my ha

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    --no, shhh! Pay attention: BUT ya got a little dumb up there turns out air cant support brain mass like water can - sooo ya basically reset your societal clock back to zero, while we progressed to bigger and better things. Atlantis? Thats us, and youll never find it.

    ALBERT

    And nobody know about this? And my

    han--

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Shoosh! Oh, some know. Your Higher-Ups, for one. All started with the explorers, and then that Darwin fella, of course. The ee-vol-u-tion guy (actually we were the ones who spilt the beans to himwasnt a very smart guy). And he kept us a secret by telling everybody else the whole uhhh--

    ALBERT

    The chimpanzee thing?

  • 8.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Bingo! But he told the truth to his Queenie, who told the other leaders, who have been passing the secret down the ages, perpetuating the greatest conspiracy of all time! Its real shocker, I know. Now if you have any questions, now is the ti--

    ALBERT

    (annoyed)

    My hand.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    (disappointed)

    Thought Id get a bigger reaction

    MESSENGER grabs a hold of ALBERTs wrist.

    XCU of the STING, now a scaley light blue.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Welllooks like he a gave ya a pretty good sting alright

    ALBERT

    Is it poisonous? I heard there was a jellyfish bloom but I didnt think this would be the cause. Oh my god--

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Hey calm down fool, youre not gonna die. But uhhow do I put thisthat guys a hybrid. Half you, half me. And through this sting, he just passed that on to you.

    ALBERT

    And that means-what. What does that mean??

  • 9.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    How do I put this in land monkey terms. UhmmmYoure gonna be part sea-monkey.

    A BEAT. ATLN. MESSENGER is letting it sink in. a shocked ALBERT looks for the words to say next. Then:

    ALBERT

    (long inhale)

    Ah

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Dont panic. You been drip-fed our image for the past 70 years. Media, games, storiesthe whole sheboozy. Anyways, you know what to expect. Think, uhhhah whatsis nameAquaman?

    ALBERT

    Im Aquaman

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Yeah, you got movies about him,

    right? Im sure hes loooaaads popular up here.

    A BEAT.

    ALBERT

    You cant just tell me this expecting me to believe you.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Actually, I can! But I can see your giving off some bad vibes right now,

    so Ill let you stew and mull on this for a couple weeks or so.

    A BEAT.

    If youll excuse me.

    ATLN. MESSENGER picks up the BODY, and begins dragging it down to the beach, leaving ALBERT shocked.

  • 10.

    CUT TO ATLN. MESSENGER dragging the BODY back into the

    ocean.

    ALBERT (O.S.)

    Woah woah woah woah woah! Hey!

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Hey, look, show some respect. I gotta get this guy back for a funeral.

    ALBERT enters ON SCREEN, his back to us.

    ALBERT

    You cant do this, man. What the fuck am I supposed to do, you want me to wear tights? Am I superhero now, is that it?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Kind of. You dont seem too happy about this. I thought humans wanted to ascend to this lofty ideal of someone who saves the day.

    ALBERT

    I didnt ask to be stung!

    ATLN. MESSENGER unceremoniously drops the body and storms towards ALBERT

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Alright, mate! Heres the deal: youre gonna start seeing some changes -- Gills and shit, alright? Be a fucking man and deal with it.

    (points to BODY)

    That guy passed down a great responsibility to ya, right? Honestly, you humans are such hypocritesact like Figjams until you hear the call of duty singin your name, then you turn into a buncha wusses.

  • 11.

    ALBERT

    (hurt)

    But I didnt ask for this.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    (softening up. Changing disposition)

    Eycheer up, mate. This chap didnt ask for it either. He was thrust into a similar situation. And look how he turned out!

    CUT TO BODY, face down in the wash.

    ErrI mean, Its not all doom and gloom. I think youll surprise yourself.

    A BEAT.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    In the end, shell be apples!

    ALBERT

    Who?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    You. Look on the bright side: you can talk to fish now! Ey? Ey?! I gotta go.

    ATLN. MESSENGER goes back to dragging the body into the water. He gets waist deep.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    You satisfied enough that I can

    leave?

    ALBERT

    No.

  • 12.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    well, how can ya be, right? Give me one more question and Ill give ya a free, honest answer, but then I gotta leave. For real.

    ALBERT

    Do mermaids exist?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    (annoyed)

    What kinda stupidyeah, in fact they are. You ever had Chicken of the Sea?

    ALBERT

    Yeah.

    ATLN. MESSENGER lets that sink in.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Wellthere ya go.

    ATLN. MESSENGER leaves for the Ocean depths.

    ALBERT looks more unsure than ever.

    CUT TO BLACK.

    SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER

    INT. REC GYM NATATORIUM MORNING

    ALBERT is finishing pool laps. Upon finishing, he hops out of the pool, and looks down at the hand where he was stung.

    XCU of sting site, now looking as if covered in blue fish

    scales.

    INT. APPARTMENT DAY

    SHOT of ALBERTs apartment. The curious roommate KAMAL, waits on the couch. ALBERT bursts in.

  • 13.

    KAMAL

    Any news, man?

    KAMAL stands up and moves with ALBERT to the sink and cupboards.

    ALBERT

    I dont know what to do, Kam.

    ALBERT opens up the cubboard and grabs a large pack of SEA SALT.

    KAMAL

    Learn anything new?

    ALBERT

    Its the same stories over and over.

    ALBERT rips open his backpack, tosses out some AQUAMAN COMICS, and gets a large plastic gallon container. Kamal picks a comic and starts flipping through.

    KAMAL

    Lets go over the stuff we know you can do.

    ALBERT

    I swim faster.

    KAMAL

    Bro. You can breathe underwater too.

    ALBERT

    Ive also found I cant stay outside of salt water or any water for too long else I feel weird. There are more drawbacks than benefits to

    this.

    ALBERT pours a generous amount of the sea salt into the container, and begins filling it up with water.

    ALBERT

    I feel like Im drying up.

  • 14.

    KAMAL

    (reading comic)

    At least, here, it looks like you might get super-strength. Thats a bonus, huh?

    ALBERT

    Its been two weeks, since the incident. Im pretty sure I still cant bench press above 60.

    The jug is topped off with water. ALBERT caps it and shakes.

    KAMAL

    Is there any ability you know you get guaranteed?

    ALBERT chugs the entire jug of highly concentrated salt water. Takes a while. He puts it down upon finishing.

    ALBERT

    I can talk to fish.

    CUT TO EXT. OUTSIDE OF APPARTMENTs DAY

    ALBERT and KAMAL leave the apartment and begin walking.

    KAMAL

    Thought of a name yet?

    ALBERT

    Like what?

    KAMAL

    You need a hero name. Like Aquaman.

    ALBERT

    No.

    KAMAL

    What about a costume?

  • 15.

    ALBERT

    Nope.

    CUT TO EXT. CAMPUS DAY

    KAMAL

    And a catchphrase?

    ALBERT

    Thats last on my list.

    KAMAL

    Well, I think you need a sidekick.

    CUT TO EXT. PINES ENTRANCE DAY

    The two leave Pines with meals in hand.

    KAMAL

    Maybe I could be your sidekick.

    ALBERT

    Who says I need a sidekick?

    KAMAL

    I think Aquaman had a sidekick.

    ALBERT

    Yeah, he had like 4.

    KAMAL

    Man, then its meant to be. I could pick my own name, my costume, everything!

    ALBERT

    And what would you do?

    KAMAL

    Intel. Id be your eye on the surface, kicking ass, gettin info up here while youre down in the deep blue, man. Wed be like Batman and Robin, bro! Ariel and Flounder!

  • 16.

    ALBERT

    Lets get real, Kam. First of all, at the moment, Flounder could probably kick my ass. Right now I need to focus on outclassing fish before I consider a sidekick. What do you expect, huh?

    KAMAL

    Hmmm. Dont know

    KAMAL offers up his tuna melt.

    KAMAL

    Want some tuna? Chicken of the Sea.

    ALBERT eyes the tuna sandwich with suspicion and fear.

    EXT. TOWARDS LIBRARY WALK DAY

    The two walk past the Career Center. The Red Cross BIG RED BUS sits in the background.

    KAMAL

    Stay positive, man. This is uhhh, a real chance to do something good for people.

    ALBERT

    How so?

    KAMAL

    You want to help people. Now, maybe you can. Not many people get a chance to perform real, tangible good for the world. I mean, to make a real lasting change, it-it takes--

    The two pass the entrance of the BIG RED BUS, where VOLUNTEERS sit ready to sign potential donaters up.

    R.C. VOLUNTEER

    Donate blood, gentleman?

  • 17.

    KAMAL

    (to VOLUNTEER)

    No, thank you, were busy.

    (to ALBERT, hushed)

    They bother me every time. Its like theyre singling me out, yknow?

    ALBERT

    (hushed as well)

    I feel you, bro. Its incessant.

    KAMAL

    As I was sayingyou want to do good.

    ALBERT

    Yeah.

    KAMAL

    Youre part of the clubs that do good stuff for people, right?

    ALBERT

    Yeah, yeah.

    KAMAL

    And the statuses you make. Theyre, inspiring.

    ALBERT

    Think so?

    KAMAL

    Im serious, man. The one you made on facebook about that genocide in Africasia, or whatever. Theres a reason you get so many likes on thoseyoure an inspiration!

    ALBERT

    Thanks, man.

  • 18.

    KAMAL

    Yeah, peopled look up to you. Your hearts in the right place. You could be a natural leader.

    ALBERT

    That means a lot, man. For real.

    KAMAL

    I know, man. We gotta look at the positives here!

    ALBERT

    Maybe, theres something we havent looked at yet? Like a secret power?

    KAMAL

    Perhaps the library has answers.

    CUT TO INT. GEISEL DAY

    ALBERT is sitting at a Geisel table. Hes adding more salt to his plastic carton. KAMAL walks by, slamming a stack of books on the table. ALBERT looks up?

    ALBERT

    Books?

    KAMAL

    I know, I didnt think they still existed. Here.

    CUT TO HIGH ANGLE SHOT of book KAMAL slams open on the table. This one focuses on Stomatopods (shrimp).

    KAMAL

    Mantis shrimp. Very high visual

    acuity. Thatd come in handy.

    CUT TO another book. Cephalopods.

    KAMAL

    Ink sacs.

    CUT TO another book. More on cephalopods, specifically the vampire squid.

  • 19.

    KAMAL

    Bioluminescence. Youll be glowing in the dark!

    CUT TO another book on Cetaceans (dolphins/whales).

    KAMAL

    Dolphins and Whales. Sonar.

    ALBERT

    Smart fish, huh?

    KAMAL

    Mammals, bro.

    CU TO another book on holothurians (seacucumbers)

    KAMAL

    Seacucumbershm, when threatened, sea cucumbers initiate a defensive mechanism known as evisceration, expelling their inner organs, specficially the gut and their respiratory systems, from the anus in an effort to scare off potential

    predators.

    ALBERT

    Justwhy?

    CUT TO another book, this one on Cnidarians (jellies).

    KAMAL

    Jellyfish nematocyst stinger cells.

    ALBERT

    The dude stung me. It safe to assume I can do this too.

    KAMAL

    Dont kill anyone then, alright?

  • 20.

    ALBERT

    It didnt kill me. Just turned me into a water-chugging freak.

    KAMAL

    Maybe something inside kept you from dying, like you were chosen?

    ALBERT

    Or maybe we just cant deliver lethal stings. Another power with a catch to it. Its just more strings attached.

    KAMAL

    You never know, man. Look into it.

    EXT. GEISEL ENTRANCE DAY

    Cam follows ALBERT and Kamal from the front as they leave Geisel.

    ALBERT

    Alright, so we have little to no leads on what I can and cant do. What next?

    KAMAL

    Actually, broI mean, this whole superpower thing is cool and all, and I believe you, cos youre a bro, and that fish tat on your arm where you got stung looks hella legit. But I gotta get to class.

    ALBERT

    Whatever happened to being my sidekick? Youre in this with me, right?

    KAMAL starts backing away from ALBERT.

  • 21.

    KAMAL

    I dont know, man. I just dont think Ill get anything out of it. I mean, you cant even sting people, man. Sure, youll get noticed for being a whack fish-man hybrid, but what kind of recognition will the sidekick get?

    ALBERT

    But the greater good, man. Ill let you choose your name and costume. Pick my stuff too, cos I dont know if I can do it without you, bro.

    Youre my bro!

    KAMAL holds up a clenched fist.

    KAMAL

    Im rooting for you, bro. Ill make a fan page.

    KAMAL scampers away, leaving ALBERT alone.

    XCU of a hopeless ALBERT. He looks down at his stung wrist.

    INT. BIRCH AQUARIUM LATER IN THE DAY

    ALBERT drifts through the aquarium without a purpose, stopping at an exhibit containing jellyfish.

    WIDE SHOT of ALBERT in front of the jelly tank, silhouetted by the tanks vibrant blue.

    ALBERT stares at the jellyfish hopelessly, then down at his wrist.

    CUT TO SHOT of ALBERT in front of dense coral exhibit, on his phone.

    ALBERT

    Yeah. Yeah, Shelly. Im feeling down.

    SHELLYs voice can be heard faintly, but what she says cannot be distinguished.

  • 22.

    ALBERT

    Id like to talk.

    SHELLY talks.

    ALBERT

    Advice. Yes, I need your advice.

    SHELLY talks.

    ALBERT

    Nah, Kam couldnt helplook, we can get food or something. Kams not gonna be there, I just cant count on his--I dont

    SHELLY talks.

    ALBERT

    Its a matter ofdestiny, in a sense. Im kinda at a crossroads, right now. Please just

    SHELLY talks.

    ALBERT

    Tomorrow? Ok, thats fine. See you.

    SHELLY talks.

    ALBERT

    Oh, yeahthanks.

    ALBERT turns his attention to the exhibit.

    SHOTS of the FISH swimming around and about.

    ALBERT

    (to FISH)

    Well?

    Nothing.

    ALBERT

    Im here. Say something.

  • 23.

    Still nothing. ALBERT pushes his face against the glass. As

    close as he can get.

    ALBERT

    You know, I hate the ocean. I hate everything about it.

    The fish do not seem bothered by these opinions.

    ALBERT

    You know, we eat your kind. A lot, actually. Ever heard of sushi?

    Still, nothing.

    ALBERT

    I also pour waste down storm drains, relishing in the fact that it will eventually find its way into the sea, poisoning your homes.

    Nothing.

    ALBERT

    My favorite part in Finding Nemois when Nemo gets caught. I wish it

    ended right there. It would have been perfect that wayEver seen Finding Nemo? Thats right, Im talking to you, CLOWN!

    CUT TO the object of ALBERTs vitriol: a hapless CLOWN FISH.

    ALBERT

    I would work my ass off, becoming the highest paid executive of a major oil conglomerate, justJUST to indirectly cause the largest off shore oil spill disaster of all

    time. All that blame put on my shoulders, ohThats how much hatred I reserve for the ocean.

    The fish continue swimming unfazed. ALBERT is slamming against the glass, his faced pushed as close to the pane without shattering it.

  • 24.

    ALBERT

    Why! Arent you offended! Arent you angry! Why dont you talk to you me! Speak! Please, just fucking speak! Ple

    CUT TO a large GROUPER swims towards ALBERT, who stops talking at the sudden connection being made.

    XCU of an intense ALBERT, staring at the grouper. Their consciences meld together.

    XCU of the GROUPER. CUT between the two XCUs.

    ALBERT

    Whuwhat?!?

    XCU of GROUPER. Right in his eyes.

    ALBERT

    sonuvaBITCH

    EXT. BEACH AFTERNOON/EVENING

    ALBERT furiously storms towards the water.

    ALBERT

    Hey! HEY! Youve got some explaining!

    ATLN. MESSENGER gracefully rises out of the ocean water and onto the sand. Attempting to speak, only sea water manages to sputter out of his mouth at first.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Sorry about that.

    ALBERT

    I can speak to fish, huh?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    You know, there are better, more congenial ways to call me, mate. Butwhatever, cool. Sfine. Ace, even.

  • 25.

    ALBERT

    You never mentioned that fish are literally retarded.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Scuse me, whot?

    ALBERT

    Fish. Im talking to retarded fish.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    First of all, callin someone a spazo, regardless of species, is extremely rude. And secondwell, what did ya expect, mate? They dont even have a developed spinal cord. Giveem a break, man!

    ALBERT

    No thats now 3 fucking things Ive been promised that have a catch to them.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    3? What uh

    ALBERT starts listing his grievances off on his fingers.

    ALBERT

    One. Fish are too stupid to talk to. Two. You never told me if I stay out of water too long I start shriveling up. Three. Im guessing I can sting, but it doesnt do any damage.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Well of course it wouldnt! Youve got potent venom swirling around in your body. Antibodies, son! Youre injecting them with poison AND the cure. Honestly, you could piss on somebody and save their life if you had to

  • 26.

    ALBERT

    And thats not all, I still cant lift things yet. I-I-cant lift up a cruiseliner or some crap like that, maybe the dude didnt transfer his powers correctly or something

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Woah, woahwho told you that. What? Lifting up a boat? What is this crock, ey?

    ALBERT

    Thats like-thats the only redeemable skill that Aquaman has. I want my super-strength!

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Ughbollocks. Those fools fluffed up the myth! Look, Im sorry, mate, uhmm I think that was an exaggeration, on your peoples part, but there is no super-strength. What you get is pretty much right in front of you.

    ALBERT

    I dont believe this. You people are worthless.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Woah, worthless? Hey, you have US to thank for keeping the Germans out of these waters back in the 40s! That was through our bravery that we secretly kept your shores safe from tyranny, bruv. Be thankful, youd be wearing lederhosen if it werent for fuckin us!

    ALBERT

    How did the other guy die!

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Thats-thats your one question this time! I told you mate, he offed himself. They do it a lot.

  • 27.

    ALBERT

    Who?

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    The hybrids!

    ALBERT

    Why do you do this to us?!

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    Hey, they should be proud theyre following in the footsteps of as far as know the greatest terrestrial superhero!

    ALBERT

    Aquaman is a fucking joke up here!

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    You gotta be pullin my leg

    ALBERT

    Why do you think the hybrids are killing themselves to pass this

    curse on?!

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    To be fair, this last one had too many kangaroos loose in the top paddock, if you know what Im saying.

    ALBERT

    And why the fuck do you speak with an Australian accent?! Why?!

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    No, thats TWO questions. You got your limit. Thats it. Im leaving.

    ATLN. MESSENGER storms back into the ocean.

    ALBERT

    I wish I never met you people.

  • 28.

    ATLN. MESSENGER

    The feeling is mutual, friend. Now I gotta tell all the boys this GIFT was wasted. Youre the worst guardian of the ocean weve ever produced. Just go. Go back to your fuckin armchair activism, and your twit-ah. Yeah, thatll change the world, ey? HeeerooooAll you land-monkeys, youre all shonky. Shonky yabbos!

    ATLN. MESSENGER disappears beneath the waves.

    A BEAT passes before ALBERT screams in frustration, desperation, throwing rocks and seaweed into the ocean, or, failing to successfully do so.

    FADE TO BLACK.

    CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT NEXT DAY

    ALBERT and Shelly are sitting across from one another at a table.

    SHELLY

    So, your plan for yourself not working out?

    ALBERT

    Imin a predicament.

    SHELLY

    And that is?

    ALBERT

    You probably wouldnt believe me. Kam did because

    SHELLY

    --because Kamal is objectively stupid.

    ALBERT

    No, He trusts me.

  • 29.

    SHELLY

    So youre not gonna tell me exactly whats wrong. It feels like Im just gonna end up lecturing you.

    ALBERT

    Maybe. I dont know.

    SHELLY

    But Ill at least be of more help than Kamal, and thats good enough for me. Shoot.

    ALBERT

    Ok, lets say that, Im different

    SHELLY

    Oh boy

    While talking, ALBERT begins pouring salt packets into his water glass.

    ALBERT

    No, no, for real. Like, Ive been chosen, in a sense. To do something good. Really good. Like superman.

    SHELLY

    Ok

    ALBERT

    Here me outbut instead of superman, I get Aquaman. And Im still expected to do great things, even though Im Aquaman. But I just cant do those things like I would if I

    was superman, and thats what they expect of me.

    SHELLY

    -but youre Aquaman.

  • 30.

    ALBERT

    Yeah! Yeah, Im Aquaman! You do get me!

    SHELLY

    Remember how I said I might just end up lecturing you?

    ALBERT

    Come on, Shelly, dont do this

    SHELLY

    I gotta tell you, you sound like a completely conceited ass. In fact, this is how you always act.

    ALBERT

    What do you mean?

    SHELLY

    Look, the whole superhero comparisonyour always doing this.

    ALBERT

    Butyou dont get it. This time, I am--

    SHELLY

    Theres good people in this world, doing good things right nowwholl probably die before they get acknowledged for what they did. Real heroes. Theres also people who go to work every day with a superman S on their undershirt. Or wonder woman socks, I dont know. Anyways, these people go out with the hope of

    eventually doing some good. Admirable, I guess.

    ALBERT

    Ok.

  • 31.

    SHELLY

    Then theres people like you. You think a post on the internet, or a hashtag is enough. You think youre making the world a better place one like at a time, when at best youre just stroking your ego.

    ALBERT

    Ouch.

    SHELLY

    Youre the guy who gives out free designer shoes to third world kids acting like hes Jesus or something. I mean, the fuck can they do with them? Eat the rubber?

    ALBERT

    Dont like Toms, huh?

    SHELLY

    Hateem. But you get what Im saying? You want to do good, you just dont wanna know what its gonna cost sometimes. Thats all. Sometimes the best people sacrifice it all, and the world still hates them.

    ALBERT

    Maybe youre right.

    SHELLY

    I am. You can tell this to Kam, too. Hes the same. Maybe worse. A little more shallow.

    ALBERT

    Yeah, I figured it myself.

    INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM

    ALBERT walks out of bathroom stall to the mirror-lined sinks. He leans in close to the mirror, tilting his head to the side with his hands.

  • 32.

    XCU of the GILLS forming just behind ALBERTs ears.

    ALBERT unbuttons the first several buttons of his shirt, and pulls the cloth apart, revealing a white undershirt with a big SUPERMAN S.

    BACK TO RESTAURANT TABLE

    ALBERT returns to the table.

    SHELLY

    Everything ok?

    ALBERT

    Yeah, just peeing every 5 minutes, and drinking copious amounts of saltwaterIm fine.

    SHELLY

    No really.

    ALBERT

    Like I said, Im Aquaman.

    SHELLY

    Right

    ALBERT

    Actually, please, I feel like Im gonna start cracking into pieces right now if I dont get in some water. Would like to go to the beach?

    EXT. BEACH DAY

    ALBERT - with his clothes still on desperately rushes into the water. Shelly in FG.

    SHELLY

    Watch out for the jellyfish! I hear theres a bloom going on!

    CU of ALBERT looking relieved. Floating with his back in the water. Then a BODY hits him.

  • 33.

    CUT TO ALBERT dragging UNCONSCIOUS MAN out of the water and

    into the sand. This time, its just a normal looking human, out for a swim.

    ALBERT drops the MAN on the sand. SHELLY rushes over.

    SHELLY

    Shit. Is he dead?

    A panicked ALBERT begins searching the MANs body. Checks him for a pulse.

    ALBERT

    I dont think so.

    ALBERT finds something. XCU of a blotchy STING mark.

    ALBERT

    Jellyfish sting.

    SHELLY

    Dammit. I dont think hes breathing! Whatre we gonna do?

    CU of ALBERT as he comes to a major realization.

    ATLN. MESSENGER (VO)

    You could piss on somebody and save their life if you had to!

    ALBERT stands up and begins unzipping his pants.

    SHELLY

    Whatre you doing?!

    ALBERT

    Saving a life.

    ALBERT lets loose a golden stream of righteous heroism all over the sting site. SHELLY freaks out.

    CU of ALBERT as he goes. The look of a hero. His pump up song blasts in his mind.

    SHELLY pushes him away.

  • 34.

    SHELLY

    This man is dying and you pee on him?! What the fuck ALBERT!

    ALBERT

    You dont understand, Shell. Im saving this man.

    SHELLY

    Of course I dont understand. I dont go urinating on unconscious, dying men, you psychopath! Im calling an ambulance--

    SHELLY rushes off, phone in hand trying to get a signal.

    ALBERT continues to stare at the UNCONSCIOUS MAN.

    CU of MAN, who starts breathing.

    ALBERT looks up to see ATLN. MESSENGER watching him in the water. ATLN. MESSENGER nods. ALBERT can only shrug.

    FIN.

  • 35.