July 8, 2020 Readers are Leaders. . . Volume 14, Issue 20

FREETAKE ONE

If you are age 7 - 107. . . Enjoy Your FREE Copy Of The Orange Peel Gazette

Amusing Stories • Jokes • Puzzles • TriviaCommunity Events and Coupons

Distribution on the 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each monthFor Advertising: Michelle Brokop (815)751-1286 Email: Info@OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

Download your FREE copy today at: www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

““TT hhee HH aapp pp iiee ss tt LL ii tt tt ll ee PPaa pp eerr IInn TToowwnn ””KANE & KENDALL COUNTIES

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Coming Downstairs Billy came thundering down the stairs,

much to his father's annoyance. "Billy," he yelled, "How many times do I have to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back and come down like a civilized human being."

There was a silence, and Billy reappeared in the frontroom. "That's better," his father said, "now in the futurewill you always come down the stairs like that?"

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 2

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Smart ShoppersWhen I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods

store, a woman came up to my register with a packageof white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I cansee how the socks feel?" she asked.

Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."

Relieved, I started to ring her up, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one'sbeen opened."

Pass The Crayons and The Thigh Master!I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math

class that was learning about groups. In one exercise,pupils were asked to label a group of items accordingto their common characteristics. Pictured were onionrings, doughnuts, a bundt cake and ring cookies. Thecorrect answer would have been that all the items haveholes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "Allof those things contain too much cholesterol."

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESGREAT RATES - GREAT RESULTS - CALL TODAY! (815)751-1286 • PAGE 3

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Fun With FoodMy friend, celebrating a special occasion, went to a

restaurant and ordered what she thought would be alobster tail. But to her dismay, the entire crustaceanwas on her plate. "He's looking right at me!" she exclaimed to the waiter. "I just can't eat him."

The waiter removed her plate, but returned it a fewmoments later. The lobster now had a blindfold neatlytied around its eyes.

•A bank robber held up a bank, “Give me all your money,” he said.

The teller replied, “Here take the books too. I’m short ten grand!”

Conditional Devotion?An older couple regularly attended church. The

pastor was much impressed by how harmonious andhow in love they seemed. They always held hands allthrough the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn't resistgoing up to them to express his admiration. He said,"I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in loveyou are, even, after all these years, holding hands likethat."

The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love,Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESLike us on Facebook for past issues & more fun stories...OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo • PAGE 4

THANK THE BUSINESS WHERE YOU PICKED UP THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

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• BUY YOUR ANTIQUE CAR• SELL YOUR ANTIQUE CAR

ON CONSIGNMENT• REPAIR YOUR ANTIQUE CAR• RESTORE YOUR ANTIQUE CAR

Our Spell CheckerSome reassurance for all of you that catch our typo’s

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

Urges and Feelings A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little

talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelingsyou've never had before. Your heart will pound andyour hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ...it's called golf."

The PrescriptionBecause of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the

pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to LittleJohnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Isthere anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it toLittle Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking atit.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusualfood- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's motherlooked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per thedoctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

A Recent Flight On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the

window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinkingwing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should informthe pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

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TELL OUR ADVERTISERS, “I SAW YOU IN THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE.”

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Some Great Things About Getting Older•Your investment in health insurance is

finally beginning to pay off.•Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

•People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.•Your secrets are safe with your friends because

they can’t remember them either.•Your supply of brain cells is finally down

to a manageable size.•Your eyes won’t get much worse.

•Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.•Things you buy now won’t wear out.

•No one expects you to run into a burning building to save someone.

•There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.•Your joints are more accurate than the

National Weather Service.•In a hostage situation you are likely

to be released first.

Maybe He Is a Van GoghOne semester when my brother, Peter, attended the

University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-studentfriend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait fora class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art studentpainted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a Cminus.

The art student approached the professor to ask whythe grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in thepainting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained. "Theshoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to seethe professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay,A minus," he said.

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 6

The Orange Peel Gazette is distributed throughout Kane & Kendall Counties including various...

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A Prayer For Moms and DadsNow I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.For if some peace I do not find,I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quietFar from the daily family riot

May I lie back--not have to thinkabout what they're stuffing down the sink,

or who they're with, or where they're atand what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean--(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,I pray my wits about me keep,But as I look around I know--

I must have lost them long ago!

Signs and SymbolsThe following are actual signs seen across the U.S.A.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil

ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent

of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

BEHAPPY!

ITDRIVESPEOPLECRAZY!

TELL OUR ADVERTISERS, “I SAW YOU IN THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE.”

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCONNECTING CUSTOMERS AND BUSINESSES. . .THAT’S WHAT WE DO BEST! • PAGE 8

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Those SenatorsSenators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram

Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending themass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival inHong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tourof China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out ofpassing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong DingDong Bell Bill.

The Love BoatTwo friends are discussing the possibility of love.

"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who

wanted nothing to do with me." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then

two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive womanwho didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?" "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year

I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean.She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist.And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I wouldget this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

Advertise your Summer Events in the

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTECall Michelle at (815)751-1286

FOR ADVERTISING, CALL MICHELLE AT (815)751-1286

Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 9

Supplemental Rules for Bowling We thought it might be nice to remind you of some

of the “rules” of one of our favorite indoor pastimes...bowling.

1) If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes thearrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course,you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the"overs".

2) When your team is about 10 marks down in the8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First TeamThrough Bowling Wins the Game", and your team stillhas a chance.

3) After a member of the opposing team bowls 4strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 framesblindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/hershoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

4) When you leave the 10-pin and you know youcan't make the spare, but another member of your teamcan, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

5) After you have 4 splits in one game, you maysay "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However,if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. Afterall, "Fair is Fair".

6) If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps backonto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you getthem! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

7) A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball- Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a livevolcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For asmall fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver ashort eulogy.

$398,000 Question...In general, what role does the male hummingbird have in building nests and feeding babies?A) Builds nest B) Feeds babiesC) Protects nest D) Nothing$399,000 Question...How many hummingbird species have occurred in theUnited States?A) 15 B) 21C) 27 D) 33$400,000 Question...How long is a Ruby-throated Hummingbird from tip ofbeak to tip of tail?A) 3 inches B) 4 inchesC) 6 inches D) 6 inches$401,000 Question...How big is a hummingbird's egg?A) 1/4 inch B) 1/2 inchC) 3/4 inch D) 1 inch $402,000 Question...Which hummingbird nests in Alaska?A) Black chinned B) Rufous C) Costa’s D) Bahama Woodstar$403,000 Question...What do hummingbirds eat?A) Grass B) Nectar and small insectsC) Fish D) Squirrels$404,000 Question...What is the name of the bright-colored patch on thethroats of most male hummingbirds?A) Gorget B) ShieldC) Flashback D) Oster

(True of False) Hummingbirds sing with their tails?(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $398 - D $399 - C; $400 - A; $401 - B; $402 - B; $403 - B; $404 - A; True.

THEHUMMINGBIRD QUIZ

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Travel Agentfantastic rewards & bonuses

Call/email 331-454-2214elbesmi1943@yahoo.com

———————

FOR SALE2000 Toyota Celica GTSRed, A/T, 115K, Leather

Very Good condition, 1 owner, Sun roof,

Alloy wheels, Garage Kepttxt or call 630-660-0884

_______________

FINANCESBA DISASTER RELIEFInvestment Property Loans:commercial, rental, rehab,

small business, Free consultLaura 630-674-LOANB2 Business Finance

info@b2businessfinance.com______________

Cash for Record AlbumsRock • Jazz • Blues

Type In Turn Table StylusSt. Charles 206-432-1682

MASSAGE THERAPYEQUIPMENT

port.table, 2 massagechairs, Prego pillow, Excellent condition

Make offer 630-699-5458

COMMERCIALSPACE

Farnsworth Offices, 1444 N. Farnsworth, Auroraoffice space for lease from

150sq ft to 2500sq ft. Conference rooms and

Virtual Office options alsoavailable. Call Howard or

Cathy 630-585-1250.

Accepting ApplicationsFT/PT ice cream truck

drivers/sales, Aurora, ILSlammin’ Ice Creamz, Inc

Chofer para manajartroca de helado630-741-9382

_______________

HELP WANTED

Blown in Attic Insulationand removal + other services

Insured; 25 years Exp.Floyd (331)228-0191________________

INSULATION

Mfg. Co seek full time punchpress operators. Wages

based on experience, if none,will train. For interview

Call 630-466-1150/_______________

Superior Metal Productsseeks non-CDL driver,

25 years or older w/cleandriving record. Hourly pay

with benefits. Email resume production@smpstamp.com

or call for interview. 1993 Bucktail Lane,

Sugar Grove, 630-466-1150._______________

RON’S QUALITY PAINTINGInterior - Exterior

Affordable & CleanOver 25 years experienceFree Estimates - Insured

(847)489-9907_______________

AGUAS REMODELINGAll Kinds of Repairs;

Electrical - WallsBathrooms - Kitchens

PaintingHabla Espanol

(847)809-1102 Jesus________________

J & L BUILDERSHandyman ServiceBasement Finishing

Kitchen & Bath RemodelingYour Complete Remodeling

Service. Free Estimates(630)334-1322

J-LBUILDERS/facebook_______________

TELL OUR ADVERTISERS, “I SAW YOU IN THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE.”

Tree Pruning & RemovalCall ISA Certified Arborist

Joe (224) 789 - 8773Northern Kane & Dupage Co

www.ArborJoe.com_______________

OPG - CLASSIFIED ADS & BUSINESS DIRECTORY$16.50 FOR 4 LINES (2 ISSUE MINIMUM) • CALL MICHELLE AT (815)751-1286 • PAGE 11

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories

and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any

group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel

Gazette for products or services offered.

TREE SERVICEREMODELING

STEVE’S TREE & STUMP REMOVAL

Call or Text630-943-6350

Next IssueNext Issue Ad DeadlineJuly 22 July 10

Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and FREE gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.

Call or Text For a Visit -Batavia • North Aurora • Batavia/Mill Creek

Jennifer zack • 630-229-2001

Moved Recently?We would enjoy meeting you!

- www.welcomehomebatavia.com -

Bill’s Custom ServicesInterior/Exterior

Painting & Drywall Etc.Wallpaper hanging/removalOver 20 Years Experience

Free Estimates/Insured Now Offering Carpet Cleaning

(815)482-4155_______________

PAINTING

Live-in Housekeeper/Companion. References

own apt/rent/work options630-232-2935

_______________

WANTED

To appear in the next issue of the ORANGE PEEL GAZETTEcontact Michelle at (815)751-1286

www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

THE REAL WAY TO CHANGE THE WORLD

The Best Position For PrayerThree preachers sat discussing the best positions

for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results

standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most

effective prayer position is lying face down on thefloor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I

ever did was hanging upside down from a telephonepole."

Band Instruments: Cellos Open Hole Flutes, Trumpets

Double French Horns, Saxophones (847)951-7098

_______________

LAWN CARE SPECIALAerate $35 (48”Gate)

Fertilizer $59 (0-10,000)Overseed Free with A & F

Beautiful Lawn & Tree Care630-585-0221

_______________

LAWN CARE

Lanza Masonry Inc.Brick, Stone, Blocks

Tuck Pointing847-833-3384

_______________

MASONRY

PAINTING REMODELING TREE SERVICE

LOOK FOR THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE ON JULY 22, 2020

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 12

Call Today! 630-262-8484

630-262-848409/30/19

09/30/1909/30/19

Expires 09/30/19

Expires 7/31/20

Expires 7/31/20Expires 7/31/20

Expires 7/31/20

AcceptingE SCRAP

• Aluminum • Brass • Copper • Stainless Steel • Steel • Iron• Insulated Wire • Batteries • Aluminum Cans• Siding 336 East Sullivan •Aurora

M - F 7:30 - 4:30Sat 7:00 - 12:30

STATE CERTIFIED SCALESCONTAINER & TRUCKING SERVICES

TOP CASH PAID for

Ferrous & Non-Ferrous

Metals

Ecology Tech Inc

630-844-3344www.ssmetalrecyclers2.com

1 Block E. of Rt 25 on Sullivan

Since 1988

Se Habla Español

24/7 SAME DAY SERVICE

www.JJgaragedoor.com (224)217-1631

• Steel & Wood Doors • Remotes/Operators•Springs/Rollers/Cables/Tracks

SALES - SERVICE - INSTALLATION On All Makes & Models

Residential & Commercial

•Free Estimates •Insured •Warranty

Want to appear in the next issue of the

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTECall Today! (815)751-1286

Livebeneath your

means. Return everything you borrow. Stop

blaming other people. Admit itwhen you make a mistake. Give to

Charities. Do something nice and trynot to get caught. Listen more; talk

less. Every day take a 30 minute walk.Be on time. Don’t make excusses. Don’t

argue. Be kind to people. Be kind to unkind people. Let someone cut ahead

of you in line. Take time to be alone.Have good manners. Be humble.

Realize and accept that life isn’t fair.Know when to keep your mouth shut.

Go without criticizing. Learn fromthe past. Plan for the future.

Live in the present. Don’tsweat the small stuff.

It’s all small stuff.