150 MostIll-Conceived

Vehicles

While Hitler was building a war machine the French were bolting a gazillion light bulbs to a tower. I guess you can do that sort of thing when you have the Maginot Line.

Between 1925 and 1934, the Eiffel Tower served as a giant billboard for Citroen.

150: The Serpollet Dampfdreirad-Peugeot Type 1

To show I mean business, let’s kick things off with an 1888 beauty comprised of a horse carriage with a coal furnace bolted to it. Although it likely had the world’s first heated seat, I can’t ignore the fact it ran on coal, the passenger sat directly in front of the driver, and the light is in the back.

Barkeep: “Billy Bob, you’re too drunk to drive.”  Billy Bob: “Yeah, I’msh too shrive to shrunk. Sho I’msh gonna fly.” Curtis: “Goodsh for you Billyth Bobsh. Goodsh for you.”

No Curtis, that ain’t good. Now, instead of crashing into a telephone pole ole Billy Bob can nose dive into any building within a 300-mile radius.

149: The Transition

Most of us know what we’re good at and stick with it. The rest of us must work for Lamborghini.

148: Lamborghini LM002

Reality check: Anything designed to safely transport ‘Lil Timmy to soccer practice ain’t no Porsche.

147: Porsche Cayenne

VW CEO: “Günther, vas you make?

 VW Engineer: “Sumzing, sumzing very schpecial

 VW CEO: “Vas you call dis sumzing?”

 VW Engineer: “Huh?”

146: VW Thing

When designing something you have two choices: (1) Identify a concept, think it through, and produce something meaningful; (2) Do none of the above. I’m thinking the person who designed this was a “none of the above” kind of guy.

It’s a test of man’s imagination: How much ugly can you fit into one car?

145: Dutton Phaeton

Poor black cat: Nothing brings bad luck like crossing the path of a Jag XJ-S.

144: Jaguar XJ-S

This car reminded me ofRosie O’Donnell because I immediately thought of the word “Bugly,” which is short for big and ugly

143: Desoto Fireflite

142: Audi A7 Sportback

How much you wanna bet a recent Audi convention included a Dr, Phil “It’s okay to think different” seminar? How much you wanna bet Dr. Phil doesn’t get invited back?

141: Rolls-Royce Camargue

“Wanna go for a ride in my Rolls-Royce? Here, let me flip the seat up so you can get in.” Are you kidding me? It’s a Rolls-Royce and you have to enter it like a Pinto?

140: Lincoln Navicross

Looks like the designers started in the back and by the time they reached the front decided, “Hey, let’s just wrap this thing up.”

139: Volvo 262C

Looks like a Chrysler. Need I say more?

138: Ford Mustang II

A good example of taking something once beautiful and tinkering with it until it sucks.

137: Pontiac Aztec

This should have been much lower; however, I didn’t want to rile ancient Aztec spirits. I’m sure they’re pissed-off enough just being associated with this.

136: Ford Crown Victoria

Every time I see one of these I can’t help but scream a four letter word: c-o-p-s.

135: Pontiac Fiero

If you’re looking at this and thinking, “Hey, that’s not a bad looking car,” I’m betting you’re a Guido.

134: Ferrari Mondial

It’s nice to know that even Ferrari engineers have bad days.

133: Midas Coupe

Aye yi yi

132: Ford Edsel

Name a car Edsel and what the hell do you expect to happen?

131: Mercedes CL

Designers at Mercedes should ask themselves one simple question before each project: Does this look like something Buick would make? If the answer is yes, then don’t do it.

130: Subaru XT

The NY Times called it the "the ultimate in jazzy design," which makes me wonder if the article was written by Jayson Blair.

129: Metropolitan Coupe

Reminds me of a girl I once dated: So ugly it’s almost cute.

128: Kia Slice

Yep, it’s a Kia!

127: Renault 4

The Renault 4 is the perfect car for the person with imperfect expectations, or perhaps, no expectations at all.

126: Chevy SSR

Gee, wonder why Chevy’s hotrod pickup never took off. Could it be because it looked ridiculous? Perhaps.

125: Ford Escort and Ford Sierra

Fearing people wouldn’t find the Escort appealing, Ford developed the Sierra.

124: Fiat Multipla

It’s a car with fat rolls.

123: Chevrolet Corvair and Corvair Lakewood

Driving a Corvair off a car lot is like going to Baskin Robbins and leaving with vanilla. Driving a Corvair Lakewood Wagon off a car lot is like going to Baskin Robins and getting your ass kicked.

122: Triumph TR7

The only “triumph” is that someone got paid to design this thing.

121:

Fia

t D

oblo

Every parent with an overweight kid should buy one of these. Get a Doblo and I promise you the fat little bastard will beg you to be dropped off a few blocks from school.

120: : Chevrolet Van

Unless you’re a contractor, FBI surveillance agent, kidnapper, or member of the A-Team, there’s really no reason to own one of these.

119: : Chrysler K-Car

No matter how hard you try, when you drive a K-Car, you drive a K-Car. Nothing’s ever going to change that. Ever.

118: Dodge 600es Turbo Convertible K -Car

See what I mean?

I bet when Hitler saw this the designers got an all-expense paid vacation to Dachau.

117: 1940 BMW 328 Kamm Coupe

116: Cadillac Seville

You would think at least one person in a corporation the size of Cadillac would have the sense to say, “You know guys, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

115: Yugo

Excellent car often purchased by those with a strong sense of thrift and style. Yeah, I owned one. Damn.

114: Maybach Exelero

Eight million dollars worth of ugly; that’s right, $8,000,000 for the opportunity of demonstrating you have a lot of money and little taste.

113: Buick Century Custom and Custom Wagon

This ad argues that there are three types of men in this world. The first is the wild-eyed cowboy. The second is the complete idiot. The third is the guy that possesses the unfortunate combination of both characteristics. You know, the kind of guy that pulls-up in front of a group of rodeo riders in a Buick Custom Wagon.

112: 1903 Krieger

Sorry Mr. Krieger. You can’t slap an engine on a stagecoach and not expect to get called out. That’s just pathetic.

111: Porsche 914

The “Por” in Porsche.

110: Fiat 125

If I were injured and saw this pulling up to save me, only one thought would race through my mind, “Lord, please don’t let me die in the back of a Fiat 125.”

109: Chevy Chevette

I took my driver’s test in one of these the same day my sister did. I failed; she passed. Stupid car.

108: NSU Prinz

No mirror on the passenger side, no problem. It’s not like you’re going to be in the left-hand lane. And as for the driver’s side mirror, I guess if you need to adjust it you just pull the hell over. And I’m unsure why these people are smiling. I mean come on, you’re sitting in an NSU Prinz.

107: Daf Daffodil

What kind of man would drive something called the Daf Daffodil? Look at the poor son-a-bitch behind the wheel. His family isn’t laughing with him, they’re laughing at him. Poor bastard is probably hoping that cigarette kills him before his pride does.

106: Trabant

East Germany’s symbol of prosperity. Yeah, things were that bad over there.

105: Maserati Biturbo

An expensive K-Car with less trunk space.

104: Ford Skyliner

All that space and the spare is mounted on the outside? Only in America.

It’s difficult to tell which is the front and which is the back. I guess it really doesn’t matter. Whether arriving or departing, you’re going to look like an ass.

103: Mitsubishi Colt CZC

102: Wartburg 353

Here’s a fact for you: The Wartburg had a three-cylinder two-stroke engine with only seven moving parts. And here’s another fact: being a fine speciman of communist manufacturing, you still couldn’t find parts.

We’re talking about the same company that bought K-Mart after the chain went bankrupt.

101: Any car made by Sears

If I were an engineer and assigned to “minivan development” I wouldn’t give a damn either.

100: Chevy Lumina

If they tried really, really hard, perhaps Citroen engineers could design something uglier. And should any Citroen designer be reading this, please note that is not a challenge.

99: Citroen convertible

Someone please explain to me how the word “Sport” is in any way relevant. Come on now. The only person who could possibly see “sport” in this is a fat, balding, middle-aged man whose wife forced him into buying a van. Wait a minute, I think I see it.

98: Chevrolet Beauville Sport Van

If the exploding gas tank doesn’t kill you, the fact you own one just might.

97: Ford Pinto and Pinto Wagon

No wonder those Russian forced labor camps in Siberia got such a bad rep. If you traveled across Siberia in one of these you’d be ready to whoop someone’s ass too.

96: Russian Sever

It’s a Pinto minus the flair. Did I just say that?

95: Morris Marina

The Tranny of the auto world.

94: Chevrolet El Camino

Ha ha ha…a Japanese El Camino. Silly Asians.

93: Subaru Brat

A primary feature of the Dodge Rampage is that it can double as a flowerbed. Just park it out front of the house and spray with water until it rusts away in a year or so.

92: Dodge Rampage

91: Nissan XIX

The only thing worse than an El Camino is something trying to be an El Camino and failing miserably.

This would be one of the few times you buy a new car and don’t tell anyone.

90: Suzuki X-90

Rather than stick a big plastic thing on the back of a pickup, why not just make a van? Sure, that might require a little more work and ingenuity but it might be worth it; then again, probably not.

89: Polonez Truck

I guess as long as the driver has a canopy it’s all good. Screw the passenger.

88: Wartburg 1898

The company that pumped-out the IZH also makes the AK-47, which makes me wonder which has caused more deaths.

87: IZH

If I were a matador and saw this, I’d kick someone’s ass. Seriously.

86: AMC Matador

Sure, Ford could have easily stopped desecrating the Mustang with the Mustang II but how American would that have been? Nope, in quintessential “never quit” American fashion out came this beauty.

85: 1980 Ford Mustang

Back in the 70’s I thought these were the coolest things in the world. Of course, I also wore bell-bottom jeans, polyester shirts with kite-sized collars, puka shells, and fantasized about the redhead on Scooby Doo.

84: Dune Buggy

An all-wheel drive wagon with the clearance of a truck; perfect for the mom that absolutely must get the kids to dance no matter the weather or amount embarrassment it causes.

83: AMC Eagle

From Chevy’s ‘brand character chief designer’ Clay Dean: “These are GM innovations that the other guys can’t match.”

Yo Clay, in my world you can’t update an AMC Eagle and call it innovation. Also, you need to keep in mind that the phrases ‘can’t match’ and ‘really don’t care to match’ are entirely different. I must admit though, ‘brand character chief designer’ is the sweetest job title I’ve ever seen.

82: Chevrolet Borrego

Everyone should be forced to study Oldsmobile’s business model. I mean, how can a company design crap for more than 130 years and remain afloat? Hats off to you Mr. Olds, hats off to you.

81: 1890 Olds

If I were that guy, I’d be looking the other way.

80a: Chrysler Lebaron and Lebaron Town & Country Wagon

The “Continental Kit” gives the car a certain flair. Makes it a little “edgy.” Amazing, really.

80b: Chrysler Lebaron with Continental Kit

Driving one is bad enough. Actually allowing your children to play with a die-cast model of one, that’s just messed up.

79: Ford Consul Classic

A buddy of mine had one of these in the 80’s. On a Saturday night we would strap on the Vans, jump in the Gremlin and cruise for chicks. And although we never had much luck, at least we had an excuse. Stupid Gremlin.

78: AMC Gremlin

If this is the princess, God save the Queen.

77: Austin Princess-Ambassador

I miss these cars. There was nothing like pulling up next to a DeLorean, rolling down your window and shouting, “Hey McFly.” DeLorean owners always loved that.

76: DeLorean

Always wondered why no one developed a hatchback Porsche. Now I know.

75: Esoro d-spirit

This car is proof that ugliness isn’t proportional. Although twice the size of other Citroens, it’s just as repulsive.

74: Citroen Coupe

Damn. Even the rims are ugly.

73: Renault Fuego

When a car’s ‘special extras’ are advertised as door mirrors and reversing lights, you may want to reconsider.

72: Imp Caledonian

Lord, please let that truck experience brake failure. Amen.

71: Tatra T603

I’m betting that when the designers finished this, there weren’t too many high-fives going around.

70: Dodge Kahuna

A car for those that want to drive around in a beer can with a front end that screams, “Number Five alive!”

69: Citroen 2CV Concept

I’d love to sit in on a BMW board meeting just so I could meet the fellow that said, “Yeah, let’s go with that.”

68: BMW Z3 Coupé

The Moskvitch 408 was obviously designed to fit within communist Russia’s all-product marketing slogan: “You get what you get and don’t throw a fit.

67: Moskvitch 408

66: Hyundai Pony

Pony? This thing would make Mr. Ed stampede—

Wilbur: Hey Mr. Ed, come and look what I bought!

Mr. Ed: What is that Wilbur?

Wilbur: It's called a Pony Mr. Ed!

Mr. Ed: Ohhhhhhhhhh Wilbur, that ain't no %*#@$ pony.

Wilbur: Calm down Mr. Ed. It’s just what they call it.

Mr. Ed: That’s ain’t right Wilbur…going to call Black Stallion and get the boys together…that ain’t right Wilbur… that ain't no %*#@$ pony

I’ve got bad news for the boys over at Honda. The fellows at Citroen have been making crap like this for years.

65: Honda Insight

I never quite understood the British sense of humor.

64: Marcos Mantis

Looks like a good time to bring back seppuku.

63: Daihatsu Picnic Basket Concept Car

Guess who’s husband didn’t go to Jared’s.

62: Citroen Ami

The thing moved at two miles an hour and every 10 to 15 minutes came to a halt while steam pressure built up. Sorry Cugnot, I’ll walk and meet you there, if you even make it.

61: 1769 The Cugnot

Two words: plaid seats.

60: 1979 Dodge Omni

Dude, the ad plainly states it’s a ‘second’ car so why the hell are you transporting the family around in it? We all know you got something better.

59: Lightburn Zeta Sedan

The problem with this car is that it didn’t have enough window space. That’s a real issue because when in an accident, I like the glass to really fly.

58: AMC Pacer

I guess the folks at Buick didn’t get the memo about there being a crappy little car called a Pacer.

57: Buick Signia

If you live in an area where auto theft is a real problem, I recommend one of these.

56: Datsun B210

Yo Biff, no need to worry about that ecological apocalypse of an oil trail you’re leaving behind; after all, oil comes from the earth. And as my buddy at BP tells me, “Water don’t spoil from a little oil.

55: Amphicar

If I were a cop and saw you park this thing, I’d arrest you for littering.

54: BMW Snug

If you’ve ever done something so stupid that you’ve regretted it for years, you can probably empathize with the designers of the Zeo.

53: Dodge Zeo

The Russian’s manufactured the SZD exclusively for disabled drivers. That way if you saw an SZD rolling along, you could be damn sure a disabled was behind the wheel and get the hell out of the way. After all, disableds ain’t got as much to lose.

52: SMZ SZD

When you crank-up this

bad boy you better damn

sure know where ‘Lil

Johnnie is.

51: Argentinean Aerocar

It’s the “ugly” among Saabs. That’s everything you need to know.

50: Saab Sonnett

49: Citroen DS

This is the kind of car you park on the street, in front of your neighbor’s house.

Proof that if you charge enough for something, people will think it’s cool.

48: Aston Martin Lagonda

47: Volkswagen Kombi

Men At Work may have traveled in a fried-out one but let’s not forget, they were on a hippie trail. And oh yeah, they had a head full of zombie.

46: Nissan Nails

Imagine pulling up at the ole tailgate in your waxed-down Nissan Nails. For that matter, imagine pulling up anywhere in your waxed-down Nissan Nails.

45: Esoro Presto

The bad part of this car is that you’ll be eating bugs since it has no windshield. The good part is that it can be readily resized, which has a number of practical implications. For example, if your spouse’s friends in the backseat are annoying the hell out of you, one push of a button and -PRESTO- you crush ‘em.

44: Covini C6W

Imagine spending a zillion dollars on a car and all people ask is, “Dude, why you got four front wheels?”

43: Attica 200

Some day this couple is going to spend a fortune on counseling to figure out what’s wrong with ‘lil Bobbie and Biff. You know, the poor bastards that got dropped off at school every morning in an Attica 200.

42: Enfield Neorion 8000

The look on the dog’s face says it all. Even Rover ain’t buying this.

42: Enfield Neorion 8000

And by the way, what exactly is the chick doing with her right hand? Looks like she’s signaling the size of something and I don’t think it’s the car.

41: Aston Martin Bulldog

Maybe I’m wrong but this doesn’t look like a bulldog in any way, shape or form. In fact, when I see it I’m overcome with the urge to shout, “Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!”

40: Mazda Miata Mono Posto

The Mono Posto: The car for those with lots of money, no friends, and an unexplainable urge to flaunt it.

39: Reliant Regal

The Reliant Regal: When two front wheels is just one wheel too many.

38: Reliant Robin

I’m guessing the Reliant engineers spent their entire bank of creativity on the Regal. I’m also guessing that if they had a ‘brand character chief designer’ this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.

37: Venturi Astrolab

While I can see where they’re going with this, what I can’t see is how you get in and out without crushing the solar panels.

36: Fiat Multipla

If you’re like me you’ve laid in bed many a night pondering the age old question of what would happen if Volkswagen Vans produced offspring. Well, sleep easy my friend. The folks at Fiat have an answer.

35: Nissan Pivo

This is why Ninjas can kill in a zillion different ways. If you spent your life surrounded with people who thought like this, you’d perfect the art of killing too.

34: Moovie and eRinGo

Here’s a cool trick. Take your eRinGo to the top of a really steep hill, coast down until you build up speed then slam on the brakes. Oh yeah, be sure you’re strapped in because it’s going to be one hell of a ride.

33: Rinspeed/Esoro Senso

I’ll buy one of these only if it meets three requirements: (1) It can go 88 mph; (2) It can generate 1.21 gigawatts of electrical power; (3) The flux capacitor is fully functioning.

32: Leonardo da Vinci

Yeah, it was developed in 1478, but come on. To make it work you have to pick the thing up and wind it by turning the wheels in a backward direction. Then jump on and cruise 130 feet before doing it all over again. And oh yeah, it only turns to the right and ole Leonardo seems to have forgotten to include a seat. While not bad for the medieval period, I expect a little more from a prodigy.

31: Tucker Torpedo (initial design)

I’m unsure the name Torpedo is appropriate. There’s gotta be a Geneva Convention against naming something this ugly after a sleek device designed to blow things up, maim and kill.

30: BMW Isetta

I’d pay to see a cop ‘pit’ on one of these.

29: Venturi Eclectic

This thing’s like soccer, it’s best left in Europe.

28: Mercedes-Benz 710 SSK Trossi Roadster

The only person that would think this is cool is Batman. Well, of course, Robin would too but give me a break. He thinks Batman’s cool.

27: Toyota EX-III

On a positive note I’ll say it certainly looks aerodynamic.

26: Peel Trident

Imagine getting off work after a really, really bad day. I’m talking one of those days where you’re unsure whether to cry or decapitate someone. Then you get to the parking garage, see this thing, and suddenly realize this is what you’ve been busting your ass for. I’m talking about the chick, not the car.

25: Toyota RV-2

It’s a car! It’s a truck! It’s a pop-up camper! It’s a Cramper!

24: Porsche Traveler

Looks like the guys at Porsche have been watching a bit too much Finding Nemo.

23: Honda Puyo

According to Honda, “"The goal was to create a personable design with the feel of an adorable pet." A pet? Are you kidding me? The only reason I’d buy a pet that ugly is to have something to kick.

22: Enrico Pecori's Tric

There’s nothing like cruising down the street with a pressure cooker between your legs. Which reminds me of a trip I once made to Berlin when I met this midg…let’s forget I even brought that up.

21: Zunndap Janus

I honestly expected a little more from a car named Zunndap Janus. At least as much as having the passenger and driver face the same direction.

20: Toyota Publica Sports

Having your fingers slammed in a car door is bad enough. Imagine what a sliding top would do.

19: Mohs Ostentatienne Opera

I have no idea why these people are smiling. That’s like laughing at a funeral.

18: Reliant Bond Bug

Why even bother making something like this aerodynamic? Then again, why even bother making something like this?

17: Tang Hua Book of Songs

Come on China. You’ve got 1.3 billion people and the “Book of Songs” is the best you can do? Are you kidding? Really? This thing would leave Confucius speechless. Probably piss him off.

16: Nissan S-Cargo

This is the kind of thing that makes you dream of being Godzilla; of strolling into Tokyo and smashing the hell out of it.

15: Mazda London Taxi

This wonderful venture was a project between Mazda and a student at the Royal College of Art in London. The student envisioned a time when there would be “restrictions on normal cars.” In a way, I can relate with the student. I dream of a time when there will be restrictions on normal art students. Oh wait, there apparently already is.

Imagine cruising along listening to some relaxing tunes. You’re in a zone when suddenly the screams of kids fighting rip through the ole minivan. What do you do? You pass one of these, pull directly in front of it, and tell the kids to shut up or the monster will eat them.

14: Mercedes Colani

If you’ve ever been stuck on a double date with a couple you don’t like, you can see the value in this bad boy. Better yet, slap the kids in the back and off you go!

13: Eliot Elisofon 1920s

If shopping for tires is your thing, I highly recommend an Octoauto

12: Reeves Octoauto

We all know how absorbent canvas is. So when you get in an accident with the Velorex 250, no problem. The canvas absorbs the energy, you snap it back together, and off you go. Absolutely brilliant!

11: Velorex 250

You see a man driving one of these and you know he’s making up for some sort of deficit. Hell, they should have just called it “The Freudian Express.”

10: Alfa Romeo Aereodinamica

First, who the hell is driving this box? Second, why not give the lady in black a ride before she blows away? Damn aristocrats.

9: Baker Electric

This award-winner is billed as a high-tech “mobile urban loft” created specifically for those living in SoCal. It permits people to live in any space available by simply parking it. Then later you can move it if you wish. While this is a darn fine idea, I’ve got bad news for the folks at GMC; they already have these where I live. We call them trailers.

8: GMC PAD

A car that actually drives itself! I have to get me one of these things. I can just picture it: “Hey dad, can you drive me to the movies?” “No, but Bubble Car can! Have fun and good luck!” How sweet is that?

7: GM Bubble Car

This is what America needs to incorporate into its mass-transit system. I can promise you that if people had to ride in this, we’d have less obesity. This thing would make fat people walk.

6: Citroen Type H Van

If the Nazis didn’t kill you there was always the Half-Track Mercier.

5: 1937 Half-Track Mercier

The perfect car for those not just expecting a head-on collision but those expecting a head-on collision and looking to bring the pain.

4: Sir Vival

This is nothing more than a 20-foot, three-wheeled pedestrian killer. Because the “car” is steered by the rear wheel, the driver can literally whip it around in circles. The catch is, the driver can’t see to the sides or rear. So, while Wally impresses the poodle skirts with donuts, Beaver and his friends are being decimated.

Check it out… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlLZE23EJKs

3: Fuller Dymaxion

If you think rear-ending a Pinto caused an inferno, imagine what hitting a Nucleon would do.

2: Ford Nucleon

Woooo there Jed, we all know you’ve got one of those fancy horseless carriages. There ain’t no need to rub our faces in it.

And the most ill-conceived vehicle is…..

1: The Horsey Horseless

Have a car you think should have been added to the list? Make it known in the comment section. Be sure

to provide a link to picture if you can find one.

As always, thanks for reading.

--Chris Dale--