Understand and Master ASSERTIVENESS [1]

Skills For Success in Life Series

Facilitator

Sylvia Icharia

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There is only one parking space You are next in line just about to move in A motorist appears from nowhere and

bulldozes you out of the way and into the space

What would you do?

Picture this ...........

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• Your workmate repeatedly requests

you to help them with their work

• You have too much to do as it is

How would you respond?

How about this……

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• You are at the ATM lobby

• You are third in a queue of about eight people

• Someone walks in right to the front and takes

the next turn What would you do?

Now picture this……….

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What do you think this guy would do?

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Four Reactions

My

1] Bulldozers

3] Pretend doormats

4] Pillars

2] Door-mats

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Four Behaviors

My

1)Aggressive

3) Passive Aggressive

4) Assertive

2) Passive Bulldozers

Door-mats

Pretend Door-mats

Pillars 7

How dare you

annoy me?

Attacks Directly

Aggressive Behavior

I WIN

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My

I would not dare annoy

you

Avoids or gives in

YOU WIN

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Passive Aggressive Behavior

3) The pretend doormat Never mind. It is okay.

I am not annoyed.

Attacks indirectly

I will get

you!!!

Since I can’t win this I will not let you win 10

4) The pillar Let us talk about this issue please

Win –Win 11

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR (Bull-dozers)

Get what they want at the expense of others

Express their needs and wants freely

Don’t regard the feelings of others highly

Intimidating behaviour

Blame others

They make others feel: Angry Afraid Hurt Resentful 12

PASSIVE BEHAVIOR

(Door Mats) Little regard for their own rights Respect other people’s rights more Avoid conflict People pleasers Easily taken advantage of Others make choices for them Self blame

They make others feel Frustrated Guilty Superior

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PASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR

(The Pretend Door-mat)

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE

Appear calm and detached BUT Harbor aggressive emotions

Allow their rights to be violated

AND Violate the rights of others

Appear innocent or helpless

BUT Behaviour always has a vicious edge

Manipulative

Guilt-tripping

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PASSIVE – AGGRESSION (The Pretend Door-mat)

Sulking The silent treatment (Nil By Mouth) Behave like a victim/ exaggerate misfortunes Silent stubbornness Sarcastic Wilful incompetence/learned helplessness Deliberate stalling/ delay Chronic forgetfulness Withholding Gossiping Sabotage efforts of others

They make others feel: Suspicious Frustrated Angry Cheated

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Striking the balance…

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ASSERTIVENESS

The ability to express your feelings and needs clearly without feeling angry or anxious

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Communicating directly and honestly without disregarding the other person’s needs or intentionally hurting their feelings

Passivity Aggression

ASSERTIVENESS

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Benefits of Assertiveness Enhances mutual understanding Fosters mutual respect Reduces conflicts and arguments Nurtures synergy Enhances sense of control Boosts self confidence Decreases guilt and increases satisfaction

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Nurtures long-term mutually satisfying relationships

Assertive Management

Why? Managing people and situations assertively will: Increase morale Enhance productivity Earn you respect (not fear or scorn)

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Becoming Assertive

Can you find a happy balance between the two extremes?

PASSIVITY AGGRESSION

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IT IS A SKILL THAT YOU CAN LEARN

Can you communicate your needs and

feelings honestly and

constructively?

It is an art

Mastering Assertive Communication WHY???

It increases your competence in communication

You become more influential It enhance your problem solving capacity

You draw people closer to yourself

You enjoy a long and rewarding career as you work much better with others

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Mastering Assertive Communication

HOW??? 5 simple steps :

1) Describe 2) Disclose 3) Identify effects 4) Be silent 5) Paraphrase

You are growing increasingly frustrated with Jane’s continued

lateness at the weekly staff meetings How can you can communicate this message assertively using

the method outlined above? 23

Illustration

Mastering Assertive Communication

Action You says Jane says Rationale DESCRIBE Describe how you view

the situation I have noticed that you are usually 15 minutes late to our weekly staff meetings.

It helps build empathy

It helps avoid a

lengthy and potentially critical or aggressive speech about the other person's unjust treatment

DISCLOSE Let the other person know how you feel about the situation you have described.

I feel as if you don't take our weekly meetings seriously.

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Mastering Assertive Communication Action You say Jane says Rationale IDENTIFY EFFECTS

State the effects of the other person's behavior on you or others

When you are late it disrupts our meeting

Helps the other person understand where you are coming from

BE SILENT Wait for a response [Non-assertive people find this step hard]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was creating a problem. I have another meeting that usually goes overtime

Gives the other person an opportunity to respond and be heard

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Mastering Assertive Communication Action You say Jane says Rationale PARAPHRASE Reflect your

understanding of two things: i)the content of the message ii)the implied feelings

So, your challenge is a time conflict with another meeting. Trying to do two things at once must make you feel frustrated

It establishes an empathic connection between both parties

The Goal: Establishing an empathetic connection Why? It becomes easier to explore a workable solution once the other party senses

your goodwill towards them Psychologically, the other person does not feel the need to be defensive

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What if the other person’s response is evasive or aggressive???

Just go through the steps again

BUT………………….

Keep Your Emotions In Check

ALWAYS

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Broken Record TECHNIQUE

The Verbal Language

Speak calmly and confidently

Avoid excessive vocal intensity (don’t yell or whisper)

Use “I” rather than “you” statements

Don’t apologize for the message

Don’t blame or judge the other person

Do not be afraid to say “no” respectfully

Avoid sarcasm or rudeness

Speak respectfully at all times

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The Body Language

Keep an upright but relaxed posture

Make good eye contact

Keep your gestures relaxed, fluid and moderate

Breathe normally and don’t hold your breath

Keep your face relaxed

Ensure that your facial expression and does not contradict your verbal message e.g. smiling to soften the blow

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Assertiveness in Action ………

Assertive communication is easier said than done True or false???

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The Over-riding Principle

Honor Honor Begets

When you show other people honor, they are more positive, receptive and

agreeable towards you 31

Two Questions 1) What is your default mode?

2) What are you building?

Bridges Walls or

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In concl Let us build bridges…

not walls. (Martin Luther King, JR.)

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Facilitator SYLVIA ICHARIA

(ichariasylvia@yahoo.com)

Skills For Success in Life Series

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