Under Siege – Sex Today

Helping Brothers Get Free

2008

The Pastoral Approach Talks

1.Standard help for the area

2.Helping young men get free

What can we do?

• Teach about it.

• Discuss it in pastoral care and get them to use the normal helps well.

• Help someone work out of it.

When to Invest

• Work with some of the brothers who are (should be) leaders.– It takes time.– It won’t help unless they are ready.

• Let the others use the normal means – with an occasional pastoral discussion.– Do more if you can.

• Do not try to do more than you are capable of. Sometimes get someone else to help.– There is a risk to failing — they lose hope.

Assess the Situation

• Are they ready?– Do they want to change?

• Do they need to make more basic changes (discipline, stress, etc.) before they can make progress?

Timing

• Wait until they are ready to work for a change. Only “weigh in” when you are confident they can change.– Most need FC2 foundations first.

• If they cannot get enough help: give gentle encouragement, especially not to be hopeless, too guilty, cut off from God.

• If they are generally under stress or anxious or seriously undisciplined, do not try much.– Work on those things first.

Problems Caused to Leaders

• It undermines their confidence – at times very seriously.

• It can make them feel hypocritical.

• It can distance them from God.

• It keeps them from considering living single (if they should do it).

The Habit Dynamic

• Nowadays it is a normal adolescent stage that lasts into the twenties.

• For all of them, it is a habit.– Recognizing that helps.– “I don’t have to, but I am going to.”

The Habit Dynamic

• They have to break the habit.•The less often it happens, and the longer between each event, the weaker the habit will be.

– Do not focus on avoiding particular wrong actions, but on doing the right things to break the habit.

– Help them to keep the habit from “clicking in” (they need to anticipate the problem).

•“Addiction” not so helpful a term – for most.

The Course of the Habit

#1 Domination (daily or more or almost)

#2 Half-free (about weekly or when something happens — temptation, stress)

#3 Free with occasional falls

#4 Will never masturbate or go for porn (an opposite habit)

Hope

• Usually hope is more needed than repentance.– Build their confidence.– Do not mainly console them.– If they are past stage #1, they can attain the

rest.– Do not tell them there will be a change until

you are confident you can get it to happen.

Hope

• They can get free, and you can say that with care.– Warning: they may have something wrong

psychologically and so cannot.– Be careful with kids of divorced families.

• You: do not lose hope when there is no progress for stretches of time.

The Value of Authority

• Once you get enough experience, you can tell them they personally can change – if you are confident they can.

• The older you are, the better.

Be “clinical”

• Never express shock.

• Ask them about it concretely.

– Objectifying it helps them.– Remember it is usually painful for them.

• Don’t let them be vague.– “When was the last time?”– “How many times?”– “You mean you…”

Be clinical

• Ask them what got them to do it.– Unless they are in stage #1, it is not just

sexual desire or sexual pressure.

• You probably need some past history.

Two Strategies

• Cold turkey– Most cannot do this in stage 1.– Do not try it more than once.

• Slow progress– Remind them that they are making

progress.

Ask regularly

• It is motivating.

• You are a coach.

• You can keep their heads clear.

• You need to encourage them regularly.

“Bouts”

• When people are in stage 2, it often happens in “bouts”.

• The goal is to lengthen the time between each bout, not necessarily reduce the number of times per bout.

• Help them figure out how to stop a bout.

Speaking to Them

• Repeat the basic truths they need to hear.– Be alert to whether they understand the basic

truths (the principles) – use the checklist for yourself.

• Keep returning to the points in the strategy until they become instinctive.

• Apply the tactics as you figure out what is needed.

Exhort Them Personally

• Help them keep their heads straight.

• Remind them where they are.• Be as encouraging as you can but don’t lie.• Tell them they do not lose your respect

because of it (the problem is common).• Address the guilt area — try not to let them

be more guilty than necessary or let them get distant from God.

Prayer

• Pray with them, maybe each time.

• See if you can get spiritual input for them.

• Try to discern the work of evil spirits.

Guard Yourself

• What can you handle? Perhaps you should not do much.

• Only ask for details that you need.– Unfortunately, you need many for assessment.

• Report to your supervisor (do not tell him about the brother’s sin unless you need to to get help).

Success

• With patience you can have a high success rate.

• Partial success is still success, but many can become free.