Life is slated to be converted to a free to play service, as many user are com-plaining of “excessive price gouging” and “outlandish fees.” Users are wel-coming the new change as a means to allow every human to start on the same level. “Our new servers start everyone as equals and allow unlimited free ac-cess to the most widely used service in the world.” Marty Slitter, chief life coordinator of Goldman on Demand (G.o.D) stated. “With a level starting point we hope to eliminate the grow-ing wealth disparity gap, and increase our user base.” With the new service

going live this holiday season many are frustrated the announcement was not released earlier. “I just bought an 18 year dependant subscription with a binding contract last week!” A frus-trated resident prefaced. “The only way to negate the contract would be if I terminate within 9 months of the sign-ing date!” With the addition of the new servers and a revamp of the user inter-face, G.o.D has jam packed the new re-lease with plenty of other goodies. One of trending features is the ability to Choose subscription packages. These are highly debated within religious and ethnic groups as each package has a list of prerequisites that must to complet-

TodayHigh: 42°F Low: 35°F How many seasons can we experiance in one week?

TomorrowHigh: 39°F Low: 31°F Mother Nature must have forgotten to take her “Meds”

Friday, November 6, 2015

Disclaimer: Just because it’s printed, doesn’t make it true

The

Daily Bull-ISH Vol. 66, No. 23

FRI

Oct 30

SAT

Nov 7

THU

Nov 12

FRI

Nov 13

Fri, Oct 308:30PM

Chris is recording Live right here at the Orpeum for a new CD!! Tickets available now! One of Michigan’s most beloved Folksingers at the Orpheum! Halloween Eve, the perfect night!

CHRIS BATHGATE!

Sat, Nov 78:30PM

Thu, Nov 128:30PM

THE HOLY BROKE Kent Ueland is The Holy Broke, an exceptional singer songwriter of witty & whistleable tunes with an alt country vibe!

Jazz Guitar, Piano & Brass on standards from RealTime Jazz Band with Charles & Kirsten White & Mike Irish

REALTIME JAZZ BAND

Fri, Nov 138:30PM

Americana, Roots and Southern RockTHE SLAMMING DOORS

Sal�n

theatertheatertheater the studio pizzadowntown hancock482•5100

Life Soon to be Free for Everyone Nick Minarich Staff Writer

See God on back

To Our Reader(s), On a serious note (yes, we can occasionally do that here at The Bull), I am writing to you today in order to publi-cally apologize for and also retract Wednesday’s publica-tion. The Daily Bull always strives to be a light-hearted satirical publication, our writers and contributors are all students, each with their own unique sense of humor. With this in mind, anyone could reasonably expect that we don’t always hit the mark, and occasionally can cross the line. Wednesday’s article titled “Sexually Harassed Man Pretty Okay with Situation” does not represent the ideals of the Daily Bull. To emphasize this, sexual harassment and assault is a very real and serious issue, as such it is not something that is appropriate to portray satirically. Furthermore, perpetuating the idea that men do not ex-periance sexual assault or need to speak up about it, puts negative pressure on the men that do experiance these situations. Regrettably the policies in place to prevent such an occurrence did not work effectively. In the past 24 hours since the publication in question, The Daily Bull’s se-nior staff has met to discuss what led to the publication of something so inappropriate. I would like to assure you that updated procedures have been set in motion to pre-vent this type of incident from occurring in the future.

Another section of Wednesday’s publication known as “The Pile” has also received varying criticism. The “Steaming” Pile is a weekly article, going back the better part of two decades, and is a deliberate pile of Bulls*#t, generally sarcastic, which is never meant to be taken seri-ously. The unfortunate link between the article previously mentioned and some of the Pile items was inexcusible. Please contact us with any concerns or complaints at BULL@MTU.EDU. We would be pleased to discuss and resolve them as soon as possible.

Some Important Information:• When a friend is disclosing information about an assault to you, he/she is demonstrating trust in you and the desire for help.• Victims can feel shame and anger towards themselves. Listen without conveying judgment; reinforce that the assault is not their fault.• Student Resources are always availible: •Counseling Services, 906-487-2538. •Dial Help, 888-661-5589 •Public Safety, 906-487-2216

Yours Truly, Mike Jarasz

Managing Editor/Treasurer

ed. For example, “The bronze package which includes +5 to racism can only be used if parents are life subscribers, white skin tone in nature, grade school diploma, and are literate. “These per-sonalizable packages are the beauty for the system.” Nancy Grassland, pro-gramer for G.o.D said. “Modularity is the next step in life. Do you want to equip +3 Stupidity and +6 Retard be-fore running for president? Go ahead, Dr. Carson already preordered!” While most are in support of the new changes being put in place, some higher edu-cated individuals are “catching on” to the companies “sketchy tactics”. “If the whole point of Life is to be free to play, how come I have to pay for add ons to get anywhere?” Bob Norbert said. “well yes everyone is born with

the same opportunities, but if my par-ents can’t afford the Gold or Platinum packages when I am born, how is that fair?” Shortly after our interview with Mr. Norbert his subscription was sadly canceled due to a freak coding error. In addition to the new subscription packages, microtransactions are being added for convenience. “Let’s say you are walking down the street one day and you see a white female” Social Me-dia Chair Tyron Kyne stats “One could quickly equip Pumpkin Spice Gaunt-lets and gain the “trippin’ bitches” perk with +3 Charisma.” With the addition of free to play and and microtransac-tions, the people at G.o.D believe all will have an enriched experience within our mandatory software update.

Editor-in-ChiefRico Bastian

Composition EditorMike Jarasz

TreasurerMike Jarasz

Business ManagerJulia Scruton

SecretarySophia Farquhar

AdvisorDavid Olson

Staff WritersAnna Hohnstadt

Peter JuricaJeremy “Sunshine” Loucks

Nick MinarichJacob NoormanVincent PadgetHannah Weeks

©2015 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electroni-cally or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to bull@mtu.edu) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator.

Advertising inquiries, questions & comments should be directed to Bull@mtu.edu. Guest Submissions are welcomed and encouraged. Guest contributors may write under a pen name to remain anonymous

From God on front

Do you find us Offensive?

We're always desperate for

actual talent

Meetings Every WednesdayWalker 144 @ 9pm

Even someone who has seen the Grail can to better!

(Seriously, look at this piece of trash)

Write for The Bull!!!

Juvenile?Think you can do better?

Oh heck, just come for the FREE PIZZA

The MTU Maze