the power of speaking
TRANSCRIPT
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Advanced Islamic Life Skills
COMMUNICATING
EFFECTIVELY
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Communicating Effectively
Session 1- Power of Listening31st August 2014
Session 2- Power of Speaking30th November 2014
Session 3- Conflict Resolution25th January 2015
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
How we Communicate
3
Reading
Writing
Listening
Speaking
Not taughtin schools
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Senders Receivers
Barrier
Aggressive speaking
Non-assertive speaking
Passive- Aggressive speaking
Assertive speaking
Passive Listening
Selective Listening
Attentive Listening
Active Listening
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
لنت لهم ن الل فبما رحمة ما غليظ القلب لو كنت فظوا من حولك لنفض
وفاعف عن واستغفر لهم وشاورهم ف المر
فإذا عزمت فتوكل عل الل
يحب المتوكلي إن الل
So by mercy from Allah , you were lenient with them
And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you
So pardon them
and ask forgiveness for them
and consult them in the matter
And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah
Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].
HUMILITY
SELF RESTRAINT IN EMOTION/ PATIENCE
ABANDON ASSUMPTION
BE GENUINE
ACTIVE RESPONSESSHARING/ VERIFYING
MAKE FINAL JUDGEMENTWITHOUT TRANSGRESSING
NOT TO TRANSGRESS IS REWARDING
Receiving
Processing
Responding
Outcome
Communication is Act of Worship
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Power of Assertive Speaking
Session 1
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Common Myths
1. You’re stuck with your voice
2. Your voice is out of your control
3. Words matter more than voice
4. Looks matter more
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
What a voice can state about a person
• Physical size
• Race
• Birth place
• Social class
• Age
• occupation
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Exercise 1- How do you speak!
• Three people in each group
– Two people talk (Speaker and Listener)
– One Observer
– Rotate after 3-4 minutes
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
The Messenger of Allah (saw) as a Speaker
Imaam Hasan (ra) says, (my younger brother) Husayn (ra) said: "I asked my father (Sayyidina 'Ali ra) about the conduct of the Messenger of Allah (saw) in his assemblies'
He replied.. the Messenger of Allah (saw) was always happy and easy mannered. There was always a smile and a sign of happiness on his blessed face. He was soft-natured
and when the people needed his approval, he easily gave consent. He did not speak in a harsh tone nor was he stone-hearted. He did not scream while speaking, nor was he
rude or spoke indecently. He did not seek other's faults. He never overpraised anything nor exceeded in joking, nor was he a miser. He kept away from undesirable
language and did not make as if he did not hear anything. If he did not agree with the next person's wish he did not make that person feel disheartened, nor did he promise
anything to that person. He completely kept himself away from three things: from arguments, pride and senseless utterances. He prohibited people from three things. He did not disgrace or insult anyone, nor look for the faults of others, he only spoke
that from which reward was attained
(Shamaa’il Tirmidhi)
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Appropriate
Voice
Positive and Engaging
Body Language
How it is said What is saidThe physical
emotion behind it
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Appropriate Voice
1 Is speaker clear in what he/ she is saying?
2 Is speaker rushed or slow?
3 Is the voice on same volume and pitch as the listener?
4 Does speaker boom out loudly on isolated words?
5 Does speaker stop and start hesitantly with or without confidence?
1. Clarity
2. Speed
3. Volume
4. Tone
5. Pace
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Influence of voice
• Robust voice
• Deep voice
• Fast and energetic
• High pitch
• Nasal speaker
• Hesitation in sound
confident
serious
quick-witted
silly or naive
insensitive / boorish
unconfident
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
1) Clarity
• Vowels and Consonants
– Consonant- can stretch to give character/ thought clarity• Fffantastic
• Disssgusting
• Hhhorrible
– Vowels- emotion• Coool
• Waaarm
• smoooth
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
2+3) Speed and Volume
• Intimate encounter– Listener uncomfortable moving forward/ moving back
– Similar volume
– Same speed
– Empathy
• Breathing well– Power of voice- power of breath
– Quality of voice- quality of breath
• Ability to breath deeply- abdominal muscles/ diaphragm
• Producing steady stream of air- blowing out candles
– Breathing pitfalls
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
(4) Tone• Using the voice
– Positive• Projecting
• Inflection/ pitch> modulation
• Sincerity in tone
– Negative• Sounding uncertain
• Too soft spoken
• Mumbling
• Too loud- harshness
• Dropping voice at end
• Monotonous
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
(5) Pace
• Positives
– Enunciate words clearly- catch the “t”
– Insert pauses occasionally
– Match pace with listeners pace of speaking
• Negatives
– Speaking too fast
– Slurring words
– Speaking too slowly
– Excessive filler sounds- uh, um, and , ok, like
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Appropriate
Voice
Positive and
Engaging
Body Language
How it is said What is saidThe emotion
behind it1. Clarity2. Speed3. Volume4. Tone5. Pace
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Positive and Engaging
1 Is speaker honest, direct and constructive?
2 Is the speech short, sweet with focus and with terminology the listener understands?
3 Is the language positive?
4 Does speaker jump to conclusions or makes assumptions alot?
5 Does speaker truly engage with listener?
1. Speaking Positive
2. Avoid negative assumptions
3. Engaging the listener
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
1) Speaking Positive• Being Powerfully Positive
– Speaking positive• Honest
• Direct (not blunt)
• Constructive (not destructive)
– Avoid sugar coating (be positive)
– Emphasising what you can do- more than what you cant
– Emphasising what you will do
• Communicating with clarity– Short and sweet- be direct, concise, focus only and on main ideas first (less is more)
– Speak so audience understands- right terminology, give numbers
• Language of Solutions– Avoid language that dwells on problems “to me what is happening is...”
– Try language of solutions “I disagree, but let me explain why...”
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
• Abstaining from Negatives– Avoid hinderers- loaded language (offensive)
• Trigger words-
– Always, never, constantly
– Should, must and need to
– Not, cant , wont
– Maybe, try, perhaps
– Promise
– Policy
• Trigger phrases
– To be honest with you
– You know what i mean
– Trust me
• Message negators
– Now don’t take this personally
– Don’t take this the wrong way
– This isn’t a good idea
– Respond positively
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
2) Avoid negative assumptions-Barriers
• Jumping to conclusions
– Finishing people’s sentences
– Interrupting before completion of someone’s message
– Tuning out as soon as a person starts talking
– Dismissing new idea before hearing rationale
• Focussing on intentions
• Thinking you know best
• Stereotyping
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
3) Engaging the Listener• Making conversations open and shut
– Opening• State the topic
• Identify and introduce theme
• Provide context (set the scene)
• State your goal
• Lay the structure/ agenda
• Set the tone
• Prepare listener on what to do
– Finish• Recapping
• Stating what you need
• What next
• Asking for agreement/ commitment
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
• Helping listener to stay involved
• Add meaning to message
– Visual aids- graphs/ handouts, pictures
– Showing what you mean
– Telling stories
• Sense to humour- (stories familiar themes make people laugh)
– Things to avoid
» Sarcasm
» Ridicule
» Off-colour jokes
» Being a comedian
• Getting listener to respond
– Ask for response
– Complement positive reinforcement- question / response
– Be receptive to questions and give clear, direct answers
– Avoid
» Disagreement right from the beginning
» Comments which criticise the question
» Rambling
– Try to
» Paraphrase- to give you time
» Provide example to clarify question
» One-sentence summary
» Answer question with question if challenging
» Check for listeners understanding
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
• Developing plan for sensitive issues
– Considerations
• Who is target audience what’s important to them
• Whats their hot buttons
• What is their level of understanding
• Timing and location
• What are possible objections and negative reactions and how to address them
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Important points
• What you say is important but how you say it is powerful!
• most people not good listeners that’s why this is important
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
BREAK
10 minutes
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Appropriate
Voice
Positive and Engaging
Body Language
How it is saidThe emotion
behind it1. Clarity2. Speed3. Volume4. Tone5. Pace
1. Speaking Positive2. Avoid negative assumptions3. Engaging the Listener
What is said
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Body Language
1 Does speaker give good eye contact when needed?
2 Is speaker able to maintain eye contact?
3 Is the facial expression appropriate and positive?
4 Is the posture appropriate and engaging?
5 Are there any distracting habits?
1. Eye Contact
2. Body language
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
C) Eye contact– Positives
• Steady eye-contact
• Maintain eye-contact
• Looking in the right places
– Negatives
• Staring/ glaring
• Looking around
• Darting glances
• Blinking excessively
• Focussing on one person
• Glazing over
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
C) Body Language• Positives
– Posture
– Facial expressions
– Hand gestures
• Negatives
– Slouching
– Invading space
– Speaking over the listener
– Looking blank, stern, aggressive
– No gestures
– Distracting habits
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Appropriate
Voice
Positive and Engaging
Body Language
How it is said
1. Clarity2. Speed3. Volume4. Tone5. Pace
1. Speaking Positive2. Avoid negative assumptions3. Engaging the Listener
What is said The physical emotion behind it
1. Eye Contact2. Body Language
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Appropriate
Voice
• Clarity
• Speed
• Volume
• Tone
• Pace
Positive and Engaging
• Speaking Positive
• Avoid negative assumptions
• Engaging the Listener
Body Language
• Eye Contact
• Body Language
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
. كان رسول اهلل صل اهلل عليه وسلم يقبل بوجهه عل أشر القوم: عمرو بن العاص رضي اهلل عنه قالفكان يقبل بوجهه وحديثه علي حىت ظننت أين خري القوم فقلت يا رسول اهلل أنا خري أو أبوبكر؟
فقلت يا رسول اهلل أنا خري أو عثمان؟ . فقلت يارسول اهلل أنا خري أو عمر؟ فقال عمر.. قال أبو بكرفلما سألت رسول اهلل صل اهلل عليه وسلم فصدقين فلوددت أين لم أكن سألته. قال عثمان
'Amr ibn al-'Aas Radiyallahu 'Anhu reports: "(Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam) gave attention, spoke and showed love to the worst person of a nation. So that, the person may feel he is being given special attention. He
used to give attention, and spoke to me also in a manner, that I began to feel that I was the best among the community.
(Therefore one day) I asked: 'O Messenger of Allah, am I better or is Abubakr better?' He replied: 'Abubakr'. I then asked: 'Am I better, or 'Umar?' He replied.
"Umar'. I asked: 'Am I better or 'Uthmaan?' He replied: 'Uthmaan'.When I asked him these questions, Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam told me the
truth. (He did not tell me I was better to keep me happy. Afterwards I felt ashamed of myself on this deed). I felt I should not have asked such a
question". [Shamaa’il Tirmidhi]
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Exercise 2- Deep Dive
What kind of Speaker are you?
-complete the “Communication Style Survey”
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Style 1 Style 2 Style 3 Style 4
YOUR SCORE
Circle highest score
What is the difference between the 2 highest scores?
Is it <10 or >10
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Style 1- The Director
• Talks in action verbs
• Cares about the bottom line
• Always on the go
• Speaks crisply Talks about goals
• May seem insensitive
Style 2- Expresser
•Speaks rapidly
•Uses animated gestures
•Entertaining
•Thinks out loud
•Talks about ideas• May be imprecise
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Style 3- Thinker
• Talks about details
• Inquiring
• Often makes lists
• Speaks carefully
• Wants things done “right”
• May procrastinate
Style 4- Harmonizer
•Talks about people
•Sensitive to others
•Avoids conflict
•Dedicated and loyal
•Speaks softly
•May over commit
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Highest
2nd Highest
Director Expresser Thinker Harmonizer
DirectorDictator Initiator Explorer Persuader
ExpresserCharmer Entertainer Diplomat Socialiser
ThinkerInvestigator Organiser Analyser Supporter
HarmonizerCounsellor Nurturer Provider Pleaser
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
To improve communication, Directors need to:
• Be more personal in their delivery - sincerity (اخالص )• Ask more questions about other people - sincerity
• Talk about their feelings - sincerity
• Acknowledge and validate priorities other than their own -want for brother what wants for self
• Show patience - sabr (صرب )• Have empathy - empathy (تعاطف)• Admit their fallibility - humility ع ) (خشو
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
To improve communication, Expressers need to:
• Be more precise and analytical in their approach to problems - control nafs
• Follow through and complete projects - sabr
• Learn to manage time by planning daily - sabr
• Set priorities and focus on them - sabr, sincerity
• Avoid wasting time – theirs or anyone else’s - sabr, sincerety
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
To improve communication, Thinkers need to:
• Focus on the big picture not just the details -sabr, sincerity
• Ask only relevant questions - ask what benefits and don’t ask too many questions
• Once a decision is made put it behind them - tawakkul
• Focus on deadlines - sabr, sa’a
• Expect the unexpected - tawakkul ( توكل)
• Communicate the full scope of the problem not just one aspect- want for brother what wants for self
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
To improve communication, Harmonizers need to:
• Keep work issues separate from personal issues tawakkul
• Remember it is not always important to be liked -tawakkul
• Learn to say “No” and to argue their position - sabr, sincerity
• Prioritize tasks - sabr, sincerity
• Address problems in a bottom-line fashion-tawakkul
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Spiritual Illness Manifestation Symptoms/ Emotion or Feelings
PRIDE/
ARROGANCE
(kibr)
HUMILITY
(Khushu’)
Jealousy hasad
Ungratefulness
batar
Greed hirs
Heedlessness ghafl
Show riya’
Miserliness bukhl
Vanity ujb
Generosity
Gratitude
Patience
Contentment
Selflessness
Righteousness
Anger ghadb
Jest mazah
Hatred bughd
Boasting fakhr
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: “...the whole body warns the tongue saying, “Fear Allah concerning us, for we are (dependant) upon you. If you are upright then we will be upright and if you are corrupt then we will be corrupt.” - Sunan at-Tirmidhi
Abu Hurairah (ra) also reported that the Prophet (saw) said, “Indeed a servant may say a word from which Allah’s pleasure is gained and the servant does not realise it, Allah will raise him up levels. Indeed a servant may say a word from which Allah’s displeasure is gained and he does not realize it, Allah will put him in Jahanam due to it.” - Sahih al-Bukhari
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Imaam Husayn (ra) says: 'I asked (my father) regarding the coming out of the Messenger of Allah (saw)’. He replied: The Messenger of Allah (saw) controlled his tongue and only spoke that which was necessary. He did not waste his time in useless conversations. He made those who came to visit him feel at home he did not make them feel scared or ill at ease.
(i.e. When advising them, he did not scold them in a manner that they become scared, or tell them such things that would keep them away from the deen).
He respected and honoured the respected ones of every nation. He also chose a leader for them. He warned the people of Allah's punishment (or he emphasised that the people be cautious). He also protected himself from troubling or harming people. Besides being cautious and commanding others to be cautious, he never lacked in courtesy towards others. He was concerned for the affairs of his friends, made himself aware about the relationships between them and rectified their faults. He praised good deeds and encouraged them. He explained the harmful effects of bad things and removed and stopped these.
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
كم اهلل خريا جزا
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المقصودAl-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
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25th January 2015