The Simpsons

Animated Series Episode Script

by

Brandon Bisby

3rd draft: 2004

bisbybm@hotmail.commob: 07968 615 275

© Copyright Brandon Bisby 2004

CHALKBOARD INCIDENT: I SHOULD NOT WRITE ON THE BOARD.

COUCH INCIDENT: THE FAMILY DRESSED AS ASTRONAUTS SLIDE OUT OF PORT HOLES IN THE WALL AND LAND ON THE COUCH, WHICH TAKES OFF LIKE A ROCKET SHIP.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

HOMER sits on the couch slurping beer and eating a box of donuts. BART and LISA lie on the rug. They all watch TV.

INSERT - TV - NEWS BROADCAST

KENT BROCKMAN continues with the lunchtime news. Behind Kent's head is a picture of a pair of very hairy feet.

KENT BROCKMANStill no clue to the outbreak of hairy feet syndrome..the Surgeon General has issued this statement: 'don't marry your cousin and you should be fine'. Well, too late for the people of Shelbyville. From hairy feet to, well, hairy feet...another instalment of beards and little people hits Springfield today. No, not another David Lynch film but Lord of the Rings 3.

The hairy feet picture behind Kent stays the same except for a Lord of the Rings 3 title which appears underneath.

KENT BROCKMAN (cont'd)So, put on your best armour and fight your way to the box office.

Kent picks up a mace and leaves his desk.

BACK TO SCENE

Bart and Lisa get up and tug at Homer's pant legs.

BART/LISACan we go dad, please, please.

LISAPlease dad, it's gonna be the film of the year...

HOMERBaloney... The film of the year is on TNT CLASSIC in ten minutes.

INSERT - TV - STATION ANNOUNCEMENT

The TNT CLASSIC logo, covered in cob webs and dust creaks onto the TV.

TV ANNOUNCER V/OWelcome to TNT CLASSIC, where the stars are all, well they're all dead...next up, Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon.

BACK TO SCENE

BARTOh man, you've seen that a thousand times.

HOMERAnd I still can't figure out the end.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

The kids run into the kitchen where MARGE is busy cleaning.

LISAMum, can you give us a ride?

MARGEI'm busy, ask your father.

BARTBut Homer's busy too.

HOMER (O.S.)Marge get me a beer and a donut.

BARTSee.

Marge fumes as she pulls a beer out of the fridge but she can find no donuts.

MARGEHomey, we're out of donuts.

HOMER (O.S.)Aaargh, no donuts.

Homer runs into the kitchen and feverishly searches the fridge, throwing food onto the floor out of the way.

MARGE To go without will do you good.

Homer gives up his search and conspicuously strolls away.

HOMERYou're right Marge. A day without donuts won't kill me.

Homer grabs the car keys and dangles them at Bart and Lisa.

HOMER (cont'd)Who wants a ride to the movies?

BART/LISAMe..me..me..me..me..me

INT. CAR - DAY

Homer skids through a corner and guns it down a street. Despite the safety belts, Bart and Lisa are thrown about and experience high levels of G-force like on a rollercoaster, their faces contorting into weird shapes.

BART I think I'm gonna be sick.

HOMERNot in my car you're not. Hold on boy.

Homer speeds up pinning the kids against the back seat which moulds around their bodies.

EXT. MULTIPLEX - DAY

MILHOUSE and RALPH wait outside. Homer screeches to a halt. Bart and Lisa tumble out of the car onto the pavement, dizzy.

HOMEREnjoy the movie. Bye.

Homer speeds away. Bart and Lisa stagger over to their friends. Bart passes by to stick his head in a bin.

LISAThanks, Homer.

MILHOUSEGeez, your dad's in a hurry?

LISAHe's in need of donuts.

RALPHMy daddy's a cop too.

INT. KWIKI MART - DAY

Homer runs into the store.

APUWhat will it be Mr. Simpson, the usual steroid laced hot dog with a Twinky chaser.

Homer grabs a box of donuts and bangs them down on the counter.

HOMERJust donuts, quick.

APU

Could I interest you in these special Lord of the Rings donuts, they have no natural ingredients.

INSERT - LORD OF THE RINGS DONUT BOX

Apu holds up a box of 'Lord of the Rings' commemorative donuts, with Hobbits on the front eating a big ring donut which oozes gold jam.

BACK TO SCENE

Apu points to the box.

APU See, one hundred percent man made, just as God intended.

HOMERMmmmmm...man made.

Homer drools, throws some money down and rushes out with the 'Lord of the Rings' box of donuts.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Homer bursts in and races to the couch. Marge is already sat there. Maggie crawls about on the floor.

MARGEOh Homer, you said no donuts.

HOMERBut these are special.

Homer devours a donut as the TNT CLASSIC logo creaks onto the TV.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)Now, for only the twentieth time this week...The Maltese Falcon.

HOMERShh, shhhhh. (to Maggie) Quiet down in front.

Maggie looks quizzically at Homer, sucks her pacifier then falls over.

MARGEHomer.

HOMERShh. (looks around) Where's the lady with the popcorn and beer.

Marge groans before reluctantly getting up to fetch Homer a fresh can of beer.

INSERT - TV - THE MALTESE FALCON

Humphrey Bogart is Sam Spade. He sits in his office and takes a case from a beautiful female client.

BACK TO SCENE

HOMER (wolf whistles) Take the case. Take the case.

MARGECan't you just watch the movie?

HOMERShh, I'm trying to watch.

INSERT - TV - THE MALTESE FALCON

Sam Spade slaps a guy silly in his office.

BACK TO SCENE

HOMER That's right...smash his face.

INSERT - TV - THE MALTESE FALCON

Two uniformed cops march a male and female suspect away as Sam Spade unwraps a paper bundle to reveal the falcon.

BACK TO SCENE

HOMER Way to go Sam..(to Marge) so was the falcon real or not?

MARGEIt was fake..why don't you pay attention?

Homer downs another beer and swallows another donut.

HOMERWhat? Did you just say something?

MARGERemember you've got to collect the kids, so no more beer.

HOMER But Marge, I've got one donut left and you know all that sugar makes me thirsty.

Marge stares angrily at Homer who sheepishly puts the last donut back in the box and hides it behind the couch.

HOMER (to the donut)

There, there my precious. You'll soon be mine.

EXT. MULTIPLEX - DAY

Bart, Lisa, Milhouse and Ralph wait to be picked up.

BARTWhat a film! Those hairy feet would be great for gym class.

LISAI wish I was an Elfin princess..

MILHOUSE(lovingly to Lisa)

And I a Ranger...

LISAOh, brother.

RALPH(strokes his palm)

It's my precioussss.

Homer pulls up and all the kids get in.

EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - DAY

Homer gets out of the car and rubs his shoes on the ground.

HOMERThat's the last time I drive you kids about; these pedals are making my feet itch.

The kids rush to the front door.

LISALet's play Lord of the Rings. All we need are sheets for cloaks..

BARTAnd sticks for swords...

Bart hits Milhouse and they play fight into the house.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Marge watches TV as everyone piles in excited. The dog sniffs Homer's feet.

MARGEHow was the film?

LISAGreat. We need some old sheets, ok?

MARGEYes, fine.

Lisa runs upstairs. Homer retrieves the donut box and sits down next to Marge, who watches the kids with concern. Bart grabs the dog's leash.

BARTRight, let's find some weapons.

MILHOUSEWhat about the one ring? We need it to rule the earth.

Homer overhears and hugs the donut box protectively.

RALPHIt's my precioussss.

HOMERIt's my precious.

RALPHIt's my precioussss.

BART(to Homer and Marge)

We need a ring. Got any spare?

Homer stuffs the last donut into his mouth.

HOMER(mouthful of donut)

No, nothing left.

BARTCome on Milhouse, we can always get a ring off the Flanders.

Bart and Milhouse go outside. Ralph follows behind on all fours, attached to the dog's leash.

HOMERHe, he, he..that's my boy.

Homer scratches his feet again as the dog sniffs around.

HOMER Marge, there's something wrong with my feet.

Homer takes off his shoes to see that his feet are covered in thick hair.

HOMER

I don't know, they aaaargh..

The dog gnaws at a foot until Homer kicks it away.

MARGEOh, Homey!

INSERT - TV - NEWS FLASH

The programme on TV, Big Bother, which is a house full of people arguing and fighting, is interrupted and Kent Brockman waddles to his desk wearing chain-mail armour.

KENT BROCKMANNews just in..hairy feet syndrome solved..gold jam inside new Lord of the Rings donuts is to blame..effected people should contact a doctor immediately, or buy extra razors..any uneaten donuts should be given to dogs or bums, two groups who don't care about extra hair.

BACK TO SCENE

Marge picks up the phone as Homer moans on the couch.

MARGEDon't worry Homey, I'll call the doctor.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Homer lies on the couch, moaning in-between mouthfuls of beer. DR. HIBBERT examines Homer's feet.

DR. HIBBERTMmmm, I could try a foot to head transplant...

HOMERReally...

DR. HIBBERTNo, of course not. (laughs) Let's try these pills.

Dr. Hibbert hands a jar of 'Kojak' pills to Marge.

MARGE(reads the jar)

May cause drowsiness, severe delusions and a liking for lollipops. Do not operate heavy machinery or attempt to walk. (to Dr. Hibbert) How many should Homer take?

DR. HIBBERTThey're very strong, so one should do.

HOMERMay cause drowsiness. Give me that.

Homer grabs the jar and swallows a handful of pills.

MARGEHomer!

Homer immediately passes out.

DR. HIBBERTI'm sure he'll be fine...call if he's not awake in... a month. (laughs)

Dr. Hibbert leaves in a hurry. Outside in the garden, the kids run around with sheets for cloaks. Bart and Milhouse bash each other with sticks. Ralph swings from the tree by the leash. Lisa stands back, totally left out.

LISAStop it!

RALPHIt's my precioussss.

Marge shuts the door and sits next to Homer, who is out cold, muttering incoherently.

MARGEHomer, can you hear me? Homer?

We drift into Homer's delusional dream world, which is black and white.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

In a modest office, Homer, in a raincoat and trilby hat, leans back in his chair, asleep. Through the door, whose glass is etched HOMER J. SIMPSON PRIVATE EYE, comes Marge, notebook and pen in hand.

MARGEHomer. Homer, did you hear me? You have a new client.

Homer stirs slightly.

MARGE (shouts)

Homer!

Homer's feet drop off the desk and he falls head first onto the desk top. He stares down at a skirt and follows the legs up with a low whistle to see Marge.

HOMERYes, miss foxy. What can I do for you?

Marge puts her hand to her mouth and giggles.

MARGEYou have a new client.

MISS CRABAPPLE walks in, provocatively dressed in a tight fitting skirt. Homer gives another low whistle.

HOMER (to Marge) I'll take it from here...sorry, what's your name again?

MARGEMarge.

Marge storms out of the office.

HOMERSo, what's the problem doll?

MISS CRABAPPLEI need you to find something for me. A bird.

HOMER

Mmmm, a bird eh. Dead or alive?

MISS CRABAPPLEI want the Springfield Chicken. And I'll pay any price.

HOMERSo, is that dead or alive?

MISS CRABAPPLEHave you never heard of the Springfield Chicken?

HOMEROf course I've heard of it. It's where I always eat.

MISS CRABAPPLEJust find the chicken and I'll make it worth your while.

Miss Crabapple winks and blows a kiss at Homer before leaving. Homer thinks then pushes the intercom on his desk.

INT. RECEPTION - DAY

Marge is dealing with Miss Crabapple. The intercom buzzes.

HOMER (O.S.)Hey Marge, find out what that crazy lady meant by the Springfield Chicken and make sure she leaves some money.

Miss Crabapple hands over some money then leaves in a huff.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Marge sits on the edge of Homer's desk and reads from a book. Homer leans back and listens.

MARGESo the Springfield Chicken is a valuable statue, with rubies for eyes and a body of solid gold... but it hasn't been seen since the Great War.

HOMERThat's a good story Marge, tell me another one.

MARGENo, it's true. The Chicken is priceless. It could make your fortune.

Homer ponders this as the phone rings. Marge answers.

MARGE (into phone)

Homer J. Simpson, investigations. Yes. Yes. No. Of course. That's right, money or beer. He'll be right over.

Marge puts down the phone and looks at Homer.

HOMERWrong number, eh.

EXT/INT. MANSION HOUSE - DAY

Homer is greeted at the door by a butler, SMITHERS, and is led through to the arboretum to meet the General.

SMITHERSYou must be the private eye.

HOMERThat's right. Homer J. No case too small. Chickens a speciality.

SMITHERSYes, of course. Follow me please.

INT. ARBORETUM - DAY

Homer is led into a glass roofed arboretum, filled with exotic plants and caged birds. MR. BURNS (THE GENERAL) sits in a whicker wheelchair and is covered with a blanket. Facing him is WILLIE, drunk and still drinking beer.

SMITHERSSir, Homer J. Simpson, PI.

MR. BURNSExcellent. Please sit down.

Homer is transfixed by Willie and his drinking.

MR. BURNS Now, Mr. Simpson, I'm old and infirm and have to pay people (nods at Willie) to drink for me. But I do have other interests. I need you to find something.

HOMER(still looking at Willie)

The Springfield Chicken, sure, I'll find it.

MR. BURNSMy god man, you're brilliant! Name your price. Anything you want.

HOMER(points at Willie)

Give me his job.

MR. BURNSNo. That's out of the question.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE(drunkenly; to Homer)

I'll fight ya for it.

HOMEROh, please. I can drink better than him. I never spill.

MR. BURNSIt's out of the question.

HOMER(dejectedly)

Fine, money it is then.

As soon as Homer leaves, Mr. Burns turns to a man hidden behind the shadow of a large palm frond.

MR. BURNS

Follow that man and make sure I get the Chicken, understand.

The man tips his trilby hat and leaves.

MR. BURNS (to Willie, laughing)

I'm a genius..a private eye to find the Chicken and a hit-man to get it for free.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIEDouble-crossing old codger.

MR. BURNSQuiet, you sozzled Scot.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Homer arrives back looking a bit glum.

MARGEWhat's wrong? Didn't they hire you?

HOMERYeah, they hired me, but want to pay with money. Lousy client.

Homer walks into his office mumbling complaints to himself. Marge follows.

HOMER (mumbling)

Getting drunk for a living, how come I can't get a job like that.

MARGE Homer, stop it. You're a private eye and that's better than a drunk.

HOMERIs it?

MARGEOf course.

HOMERYou're right. I can drink and investigate at the same time.

MARGENo. You have to solve the case first then celebrate with a drink.

HOMERThat's it. What would I do without you Marge? Now to find that Chicken. Leave me. I need to be alone to think.

Marge leaves. Homer sits and thinks and thinks and thinks, his head dropping lower and lower.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Homer still thinking, with his head held just above the desk by his hands. Marge walks back in.

MARGE(reluctantly)

There's still some survivors from the Great War at the veterans home. Maybe they'll know something about the Chicken.

Homer perks up as a thought flashes into his head.

HOMERI know, I'll visit the veterans home and , er, talk to...veterans.

Homer leaves the office.

MARGEIt's three in the morning Homer. The home will be closed.

HOMER (O.S.)Doh!

INT. VETERANS HOME - DAY

Homer interviews a group of old veterans sat in a circle; one of them is GRAMPA SIMPSON.

HOMERI'm looking for the Springfield Chicken? Did any of you fight in the Great war?

VET #1Those were the days. Places to visit, people to kill. It's not like that anymore; you get tranquilized just for sharpening your bayonet nowadays...

VET #2I'll tell you about the War. It all started one night in a snow storm. I was there with Sitting Bull and suddenly the teepee blew away...

Homer looks confused.

GRAMPADon't listen to them. They didn't fight with Hannibal. I was there when the Chicken left. It was taken overseas by a buddy of mine...

FLASHBACK - DOCKYARD - DAY

Grampa, in uniform, stands on a transport ship called the BESSY, and waves at the cheering crowds below. A man, DICK, is chased by police along the dock side. He leaps aboard with a black bundle and lands next to Grampa.

GRAMPA (V.O.)We were on our way to fight the French for taking our women. Dick had no choice, he was a career criminal, so it was either prison or war for him. But he brought along his last swag - The Springfield Chicken.

FLASHBACK - BATTLEFIELD - DAY

We see Dick and Grampa carefully walking through a mine-field. Dick has the bundle on his back.

GRAMPA (V.O.) Dick was planning to sell the Chicken and stay in Europe for good..

Dick gets stuck in some mud, so Grampa pushes him forward and Dick lands on a mine and is blown sky high.

GRAMPA (V.O.) Well, at least he got to stay in Europe, but the Chicken flew away and will only return when Bessy sails back across the pond.

BACK TO SCENE

Grampa finishes off his tale with a tear in his eye. All the other veterans and Homer are dozing.

GRAMPA And that's what happened to the Springfield Chicken. Hey, wake up you ungrateful pig.

Grampa pokes Homer with his stick. Homer sleepily picks his head up and looks around.

HOMERSo, does anybody know about this Chicken or what?

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Homer drives back to the office tailed by another car. The figure behind the wheel wears a trilby hat.

INT. RECEPTION - NIGHT

Homer walks in and confronts Marge.

HOMERThat veterans home was a real dead end Marge, thanks.

MARGEUmm, I'm sorry.

HOMERWhatever. Marge you might as well go home, I can't afford to pay you during the day so I don't know what you're doing here at night.

Homer walks into the office as Marge angrily gets ready to leave.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Homer leans back in his hair and falls fast asleep.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

When Homer wakes, his office has been ransacked.

HOMERMarge, you forgot to tidy up. Marge.

INT. MOE'S BAR - DAY

Homer sits at the busy bar and nurses a beer. MOE cleans a glass behind the bar and keeps an eye on the pool come roulette table.

MOESo did they take anything?

HOMERNo, apart from my 'How to be a Detective in 10 easy lessons' book. (sad) I'd only got to lesson three.

MOEHey, come on now. I don't want no depressives drinking alcohol in my bar. Cheer up or get out. (to croupier) Hey, I saw that. I thought I said no more winners.

Moe slinks off to have words with the croupier. Glum faced, Homer sits and drinks beer. A hand taps Homer on the shoulder. It's a large, well dressed gentleman called the FAT MAN (BARNEY).

BARNEYCan I buy you another drink, sir?

Homer nods and Moe sets them up. Both Homer and the Fat Man knock their beers back.

BARNEY I like a man who likes to drink. (Loud Belch) I'm the Fat Man.

Homer and Barney (The Fat Man) shake hands.

HOMERI like a man who likes a man who likes to drink too. I'm Homer J. Simpson, private eye.

BARNEYI know. I am a man who likes talking to a man who likes to drink. Do you like to talk?

HOMER(confused)

Huh?

THE FAT MANCan you find me the Springfield Chicken, sir?

HOMEROf course. I'm already finding it.

Homer is tapped on the shoulder again.

MISS CRABAPPLEYes you are, for me, remember.

She winks at Homer and walks away seductively.

HOMER(to the Fat Man)

Ignore her, I do.

THE FAT MANGood. I trust a man who finds things for people. What is your fee, sir?

HOMERJust line 'em up Fat Man.

The Fat Man belches loudly then orders more beer. They both sit and drink the day away.

In the darkest, smokiest corner of the bar, a man in a trilby hat watches Homer.

EXT. MOE'S BAR - NIGHT

Miss Crabapple exits and walks down the street. A car idles by, crawling alongside the kerb.

MISS CRABAPPLE(to driver)

Beat it mister, those days are over.

A gun pokes out of the car and Miss Crabapple freezes with a scream.

EXT. OUTSIDE MOE'S - NIGHT

Homer and the Fat Man stagger out of Moe's into a deserted street. Moe stands at the door.

MOEHey, what about the tab and don't give me no payment by Chicken story neither.

HOMER(very drunk)

It's true. Just you wait and see.

MOEAhh, forget it. I know how to blackmail.

Moe slams the door shut and leaves Homer and the Fat Man on the sidewalk.

BARNEY(very drunk)

I like a man who likes Chickens.

HOMERYou talk funny fat man. I gotta go. See you tomorrow.

Homer falls into his car and reverses into Moe's bar before screeching off in a cloud of dust.

MOE (O.S.)I'm adding that to the tab Simpson.

The Fat Man totters into the alley behind Moe's. Suddenly, out of the shadows a figure looms. The Fat Man backs away.

BARNEYCan I pee first? Oh, no.

A scream reverberates out of the alley followed by a thunderous belch.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

Homer stumbles into his office and drops into his chair. A light goes on and shines directly into Homer's face.

HOMERWho's there?

CHIEF WIGGAMIt's the real law, Simpson, not some stupid dick for hire.

LOUYou tell him Chief.

HOMERHey, I'm Homer J. Simpson, private eye.

Chief Wiggam grabs Homer by the lapels.

CHIEF WIGGAMListen up Simpson. We run this town and don't take kindly to two bit detectives solving all the cases. So leave it to the professionals and let the criminals flourish.

LOUYeah, you heard the man.

Homer is thrown back into his chair which swivels round and round. The cops turn out the light and leave.

CHIEF WIGGAM (O.S.)That told him boys. Come on, we got pay offs to collect.

HOMERCan you stop the room spinning please?

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Marge walks in and finds Homer asleep, still spinning in his chair. She stops the chair and wakes Homer. Homer sees Marge spin past him again and again.

MARGEHomer, wake up. You've a Chicken to find.

Homer gets up and steadies himself.

HOMERThat's right. It's time for action.

Homer veers off and walks straight through the window behind, onto the street below. Marge leans out, worried.

MARGEAre you ok?

HOMER (O.S.)Fine. The sidewalk broke my fall.

INT. CAR - DAY

Homer drives downtown. The same car tails him.

HOMERI'm gonna find this Chicken. Even if I can't eat it, I'm gonna find it.

Homer checks his rear view and notices the tail, which edges back suspiciously. Homer speeds up, puts a little distance between them, then turns down an alley.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY

HOMER (CONT'D)He, he, he. We'll see who's just a stupid dick for hire.

Homer waits for the tail to whiz by, but when nothing happens he slams his car into reverse and floors it.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Homer reverses straight into the car that was tailing him.

HOMERDoh!

Homer quickly changes gear and drives off leaving the other car a wreck in the road.

EXT. OFFICE - DAY

Homer stops the car and jumps out. He heads for the office but a voice calls out behind stopping Homer dead. It's a PAPERBOY (BART) selling his wares on the street corner.

BARTDaily Post. Get your Daily Post.

Homer walks up to the boy and takes a paper. Homer reads the cover which has a big story about the return of a ship to its home port: BESSY RETURNS. A smaller item gives the baseball results.

HOMERWay to go Isotopes, beating them Yanks.

The Paperboy (Bart) kicks Homer in the shins.

HOMER Ow! Why you little...

BARTYou got to pay mister. No one reads for free.

Homer tosses the boy a nickel and rubs his shin before walking away.

INT. RECEPTION - DAY

Homer walks straight past Marge still reading the paper.

MARGEHomer there's someone to see you.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Homer ignores Marge, doesn't notice the cops waiting by his desk and strolls up to his chair to put the paper down. Homer starts to yawn but it turns into a scream when he notices the cops.

HOMERAaargh! Please don't spin me again.

CHIEF WIGGAMShut it Simpson. Where were you last night? Two murders took place. Have you got an alibi?

HOMERGeez, let's think.

Homer's face freezes and time seems to stand still.

HOMERNope can't remember.

LOUHey Chief, he was here last night. We were questioning him.

CHIEF WIGGAMOh, yeah, that's right.

The Chief shows Homer photographs of Miss Crabapple on a mortuary slab and the Fat Man squashed inside a beer barrel.

CHIEF WIGGAM (CONT'D)Your client was shot and your friend the Fat Man drowned in a barrel of beer outside Moe's place. What do you say to that?

HOMER(drools)

Mmmm, drowned in beer.

The Chief loses his cool and thumps his fist on the desk. Homer looks at the fist on top of the newspaper.

CHIEF WIGGAMNow I've got your attention...

The Chief lifts up his fist and Homer sees the headline underneath: BESSY RETURNS. Something blinks on in Homers brain whilst the Chief talks to him.

GRAMPA (V.O.)..the Chicken flew away and will return when the Bessy sails back across the pond..hey are you listening to me, that's the second time I've had to say this you idiot.

CHIEF WIGGAM I think you should cooperate Simpson, what do you say to that.

The Chief looks at the desk but Homer has gone.

CHIEF WIGGAM Hey, where'd he go?

LOUHe just ran out Chief.

CHIEF WIGGAMYou morons.

INT. CAR - DAY

Homer speeds down to the docks in his banged up car.

EXT. DOCKS - DAY

Homer pulls up alongside a ship called the BESSY and jumps out of the car to meet the CAPTAIN who is alighting with a black bundle under his arm.

HOMERHey, Cap. Is that the Springfield Chicken?

CAPTAIN LANCE MURDOCKHahahar, you know your bundles young fellow.

Suddenly, a figure walks out of the shadows and shoots the Captain, who falls backwards into the water. The bundle flies into the air and is caught by Homer.

The figure moves fully into the sunlight and aims the gun at Homer. The figure is the Hit-man; he tilts his trilby hat to reveal his face: it is NED FLANDERS.

NEDHowdy there neighbour.

HOMERWhy you good for nothing..

A limousine pulls up nearby and the General gets out.

MR. BURNSSplendid Flanders. Now just one more thing to do.

The General eyes narrow and he looks directly at Homer.

MR. BURNS Get me that Chicken.

NEDO-kill-killy-dokily.

HOMERNo wait. I don't want this. I prefer them barbecued.

Ned bares down on Homer but just as he raises his gun sirens wail out and the cops arrive. The Chief stops close to the edge. A second

patrol car slams into the back of the Chief's car nearly sending it into the drink.

CHIEF WIGGAMNice work boys.

The Chief has to carefully climb out of the passenger door.

CHIEF WIGGAMEverybody hold it right there...

He draws his gun and the car falls over the edge.

CHIEF WIGGAMoh, nuts.

With the Chief distracted Ned turns on the cops.

NEDYou'll never the devily take me alive, coppers.

CHIEF WIGGAMOk, if that's the way you want it. Open fire boys.

All the cops blast Ned into kingdom come then turn on Homer and the General.

HOMER(points at the General)

It was him. It was all him.

MR. BURNSNow, now, no need for tales. I'm sure this will explain everything.

The General hands over a large wad of notes to the Chief.

CHIEF WIGGAMYou see Simpson this is law enforcement at work. Come on boys, let's celebrate another foiled crime.

The Chief stuffs the wad away and leaves with the boys. The General turns to Homer, who still holds the bundle.

MR. BURNS

So, Simpson. What will you take for the Chicken?

HOMERForget it old man. There's nothing you can offer to make me give up the Chicken.

MR. BURNSOh, really. Let me think. Yes, now what about...

Homer yawns widely.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

In the real world of Springfield, Homer yawns and wakes up on the couch. He looks down to see his feet, which are no longer hairy. Marge comes into the room in her night dress.

MARGEHomey, you're awake. And your feet are better.

HOMERWhat are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with my feet. I was on an important case and...

MARGECase?

Homer screams.

HOMERAaaargh! I didn't close the case.

Homer gets up and rushes around the room until he finds the 'Kojak' pills.

MARGEHomer, what are you doing?

Homer pours a handful of pills out and swallows them down.

HOMER

Don't worry Marge, no case too small, Chickens a...

Homer collapses unconscious onto the couch.

MARGENot again.

INT. MANSION HOUSE. DAY.

Homer sits in Willie's place in the arboretum surrounded by copious amounts of beer.

The General is pushed around the room in his wheelchair by Smithers, the Chicken upon his lap.

Outside the window, Willie jealously stares in.

MR. BURNSCluck, cluck. (to Smithers)

As Homer downs another can, throwing it away and starting another, Smithers pushes Mr. Burns around again and again.

MR. BURNSFaster man, faster. Cluck, cluck. Squawk! Cluck.

THE END.