the pulse 12.50 » december 10, 2015

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVEDECEMBER 10, 2015

by Louis Lee

CHATTANOOGA’S VETERANS CONTINUE A LONG

TRADITION OF GIVING BACK

STILL SERVING

AFTER ALL THESE

YEARS

SCREEN

KRAMPUSHOLIDAY SCARE

THEATRE

BROWNCHARLIE BROWN

MUSIC

PLVNETWORLD ROCK

Also Inside:THE 2015 HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE

2 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 10, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

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CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 10, 2015 • THE PULSE • 3

THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. Contents Copyright © 2015 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

Features4 BEGINNINGS: The proposed Cowart Street building is a very bad idea.

7 SHADES OF GREEN: Reporting from the United Nations Paris climate summit.

12 ARTS CALENDAR

16 MUSIC CALENDAR

18 REVIEWS: The really complete Velvet Underground, Helen gets loudly shy.

19 SUSHI & BISCUITS: Revealing the secret of making classic boat noodles.

20 HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE

25 MIXOLOGY: Find the right liqueur for each social gathering’s drink. 26 SCREEN: “Krampus” is the best holiday horror film in years. Really.

28 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

29 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

30 ON THE BEAT: Officer Alex has a meltdown about the media…again.

EDITORIALManaging Editor Gary Poole

Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

Editorial Assistant Stephanie Smith

Music Editor Marc T. Michael

Film Editor John DeVore

ContributorsRich Bailey • Rob Brezsny

Matt Jones • Sandra Kurtz • Louis LeeMike McJunkin • Ernie Paik

Rick Pimental-Habib • Alex Teach

CartoonistsMax Cannon • Rob Rogers

Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

Cover Photo Louis Lee

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BREWER MEDIA GROUPPublisher & President Jim Brewer II

December 10, 2015Volume 12, Issue 50

8 Still Serving After All These YearsJohn Sparks, U.S. Army, was flying a reconnaissance mission over

enemy territory on April 24, 1968 when his twin-engine OV-1 Mohawk was hit by anti-aircraft fire. With both engines gone, he and the pilot ejected over a heavily wooded area near the Laotian border.

10 We’ll Always Love Charlie BrownFor those of us who grew up reading books with reprints of Charles Schultz’s “Peanuts” characters, Charlie Brown is an institution, a heartbeat of our childhood that remains intact.

14 Watch The Spring Sky For PLVNETPLVNET (that’s “planet” to you and me) is a band I’ve been

trying to write about for a couple of months now. I say “trying,” because despite my best intentions something always seems to

interfere (illness, shifting deadline, time-sensitive material, etc.).

ContentsCHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

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NEWS • VIEWS • RANTS • RAVESUPDATES » CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM FACEBOOK/CHATTANOOGAPULSE

EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO [email protected]

Op-Ed: Stop the Stationary TsunamiThe proposed Cowart Street building is a very bad idea

A developer has proposed a sev-en-story, 140-unit residential build-ing on Cowart Street, behind the row of older buildings anchored by Porker’s. The Plan-ning Commission and the Regional Planning agency recommended against it (zoning lim-its buildings to four stories there), but the city council is hell-bent on passing it, led by Chris Anderson, who represents the area.

The developer’s local rep, Mike Price, is also a leadership contribu-tor to a fundraising event Anderson

recently began promoting. Ander-son did not disclose that, and an ethics complaint has been filed.

Looking at this super-sized, go-dawful building rush-ing toward approval is like seeing nomadic warriors from the Eurasian plains ride into my city. First,

I’m relieved they want to build, not destroy. Then my heart sinks: All they know how to build is the sub-urban apartments they passed on their way into the city. Even worse: our current elected leaders are say-ing “Sure, OK, whatevs.”

That’s not as far-fetched as it may sound. Belle Investment Company of Knoxville be-gan with single-family housing developments and traditional suburban multi-family apart-ment developments, including Legends at White Oak in Ooltewah. Judging from their website, this seems to be their first down-town building. It shows: The building takes the components of suburban apartments—housing and parking—and goes up instead of spreading out.

The building is completely out of place, a gigantic structure in the middle of what de-cades of planning (done with public participa-tion and approved by previous city councils) envisioned as a human-scale neighborhood. After objections from urban designers, the developer added a token amount of commer-cial space on the corners. That’s better than nothing, but what makes a building like this integrate into and help build a neighborhood is when the entire first floor is retail or com-mercial, adding activity to the street life in-stead of turning a cold shoulder to it. This is called “mixed use,” and it is City Making 101.

By the way, those objecting urban designers include Stroud Watson, an internationally re-nowned urbanist who guided Chattanooga’s downtown revitalization from 1981 through 2007 as leader of our Urban Design Studio. When he spoke against the building at the city council, not a single council member asked him a question. Apparently, their deci-sion had already been made—and his expert opinion was irrelevant.

The building’s scale is grossly out of pro-portion to the recent four-story buildings

and historic one- and two-story buildings around it. I look at an artist’s rendering and wonder—can you ever get used to a neigh-bor like that: a block-long mass twice the height of Porker’s and the other small buildings? It would be like looking a station-ary tsunami eternally looming over your shoulder.

Belle Investment Company does not understand how our city works, how designers have been collaborating with busi-ness people and elected leaders for 30 years to re-create a down-town that works for everyone. And this city council is willing to undo the work of their pre-decessors and the public, for the latest developer to dangle a shiny thing.

We need more downtown housing, but not this building, as designed. It won’t destroy the Southside, but it will de-grade the vibrant street life and economy that attracted the de-veloper to Chattanooga in the first place.

• • • •Rich Bailey promoted Chat-

tanooga as director of the Chat-tanooga News Bureau from 1996–2001 and has covered ur-ban design in Chattanooga as a journalist-advocate for 20 years.

OpinionRICH BAILEY

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We are all familiar with the concept of paying it forward: Someone does something nice for you and you, in return, do something nice for someone else. This notion is extremely important to the arts scene in Chattanooga, as artists are making the switch from having people notice their art to providing their art for the good of the community.

The recent graduating class of the Holmberg Arts Leadership In-

stitute took this credo to heart. These Holmies have planned a Holiday Hap-

pening to help raise scholarship funds for future participants

with more diverse needs. The underserved

populations of Chat-tanooga who want to make a difference in their community might

not otherwise have the opportunity to attend such

an institute were it not for scholarships, which are always

much sought after.

On Saturday, Dec. 12, Holmies of the Class of 2015 invite you to give back at 4 p.m. at the East Chattanooga Academy for Art and Social Justice. Hop on the open mic and sing or read a poem, bid on beautiful art by local artists at the silent auction, and enjoy food and bev-erages as you converse with some of the future arts leaders of Chattanooga—who look to pay it forward in a big way with your support. Suggested donation is $5 at door..

To donate art, contact Sage Smith at ECAASJ on Facebook.

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EdiToonby Rob Rogers

Giving Back By Paying It Forward

Our cov-er story this week on how vets are making a differ-ence in

the city is by Louis Lee, who has been involved in journal-ism dating back to his days on the high school newspaper staff. After a stint in the U.S. Navy, he worked for a weekly newspaper in Baton Rouge,

then returned to college for formal training in television news. He came to the Ten-nessee Valley in 1991 to work for WDEF-TV as a video-journalist, a reporter who shoots his own stories. While working in the media and raising a family, Louis gave back to his community by vol-unteering as a reserve deputy sheriff in Bradley County. Louis is now an award-win-ning documentary filmmaker and freelance journalist.

Louis Lee

— Stephanie Smith

The Pulse's music editor, Marc T. Michael, is a long-standing

presence in the local music scene who from an early age had two passions in life: music and writing. Notice-ably self-taught at one and educated at the University of Kentucky for the other, Marc

moved to Chattanooga back in the fall of 1993. When not playing with local Irish group the Molly Maguires, Marc can be found hosting trivia match-es throughout the city as the regional manager for Chal-lenge Entertainment. An avid supporter of Chattanooga’s burgeoning music scene, he currently resides in Red Bank with his wife Bryanna, his daughter Libby and two cats who, truth be told, are actu-ally in charge of everything.

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Imagine a future in which the human has attained its full potential. Imagine a world in which the good of each hu-man being and each species is considered in every decision made. — Jeanette C. Armstrong

Earth is heating up and greenhouse gases continue to rise, primarily due to our burning of fossil fuels. The goal at COP21 in Paris is to assure a livable plan-et. It takes collaboration and adjustment from everyone to slow the rate of climate change.

Imagine the challenge: Produce a plan to reduce carbon emissions and support a green economy so that the Earth doesn’t get too hot or too toxic. Your group rep-resents 196 countries speaking five lan-guages, and together you are to present a suitable agreement in two weeks ap-proved by the heads of each country. At this writing, they’re still at it. Each country had previously submitted a pro-posal for reducing their carbon emissions. Now, spinoff groups work on aspects of the document, refining it and creating

a framework for action that will result in keeping our planet temperature from ris-ing any more than two degrees Celsius. In fact, it’s not enough, but it would be a promising start.

There are positive notes:• Twenty developing countries agreed

to double their research and develop-ment spending in the energy solutions of the future. Further, 26 entrepreneurs and business leaders, including Bill Gates, promised to invest part of their wealth to-ward bringing energy solutions of the fu-ture to rapid deployment. Smart money is transitioning to low-carbon technologies.

• The Government of Alberta in west-ern Canada announced that by 2030, it would completely phase out all of its coal-fired power, implement a renewable port-folio standard of 30 percent, introduce a carbon tax at $30 per ton, grow energy ef-ficiency and clean energy like wind and solar, and set a cap on emissions from tar sands.

And yet, many of our U.S. politicians still claim to wonder if climate change is real despite increasingly strong scientific evidence. Kitty van der Heijden, ambas-sador for sustainable development for the Netherlands said, “We must manage the unavoidable.”

It may be too late for many. Tuvalu, the Marshall Islands, the Maldives, the Sey-chelles and Fiji are top-list tourist des-tinations with their pristine landscapes, lush vegetation and perceived remote-ness. Yet, as global temperature rises, it triggers the loss of ice, then triggering sea level rise. This is the center of the prob-lem concerning small island nations.

A young Alaskan is attending COP21 with the Sierra Student Coalition be-cause his village is being inundated by

seawater rise. Yet most people in his small village cannot afford to move.

Meanwhile, the delegates are arguing about the language in Article 2 (Purpose of the Paris Agreement). This refers to protection of natural ecosystems, just transition of the workforce, and creation of decent work, human rights for all, in-cluding indigenous people, and gender equality. Some feel that this should not be part of Article 2 where it would be le-gally binding, but part of the preamble and not binding.

The U.S. wants to move it to the pre-amble; Brazil and Canada want to keep it in, and the Netherlands would like to move it to a mitigation section. No matter where it is, it should be kept in the plan, because a transition with people’s well being in mind is the fair and just way to think. These are the types of arguments that are proceeding behind closed doors.

Outside, the people have shown up. When terrorist acts in Paris caused large marches to be canceled, people, includ-ing Pope Francis, donated 20,000 pairs of shoes to a symbolic march calling for cli-mate action. Thousands of organizations’ representatives and citizens are attending educational programs, visiting booths, and holding concerts to say we can’t wait any longer. What we do today will truly make a difference in the quality of all life, everywhere.

Sandra Kurtz is an environmental community activist and is presently working through the Ur-ban Century Institute. You can visit her website to learn more at enviroedu.net

COLUMNSHADES OF GREEN

Can They Save The Planet?

SANDRA KURTZ

Reporting from the Paris United Nations Climate Summit

“When terrorist acts in Paris caused large marches to be canceled, people, including Pope Francis, donated 20,000 pairs of shoes to a symbolic march calling for climate action.”

Your Home For The Holidays


“If I can make one person’s life a little easier by being there and fixing things they can’t fix on their own…well, I’d appreciate it if somebody did that for me if I needed it.”

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Chattanooga’s veterans continue a long tradition of giving backStory and photos by Louis Lee, Pulse contributer

Still Serving After All These Years

J

By any measure, most people would think that John Sparks had given enough of himself—for his country, his community. But there’s something about veterans that makes them want to give more. Sparks says he feels fortunate: that the country and its people have given him so much that he feels obligated to give back. “Many didn’t have the oppor-tunity to come back and serve the community like we are able to do,” explains Sparks, “and that’s actually a privilege for us.”

Sparks is a member of the Viet-nam Veterans of America Chapter 203, located in Chattanooga. It is the second largest VVA chapter in the nation with nearly 800 members. Many of those members participate in the variety of charities and other events sponsored by the chapter. Just last week, John Sparks stood at the doorway of the Walmart on Highway 153 in Hixson. Giving out candy canes, wishing shoppers a “Merry Christmas” and accepting donations of a dollar here, a dollar there, he

was helping underprivileged chil-dren have a better Christmas.

This has been a mission for Chap-ter 203 for the last 14 years, accord-ing to Chapter President and Army veteran Charlie Hobbs. He says his members work with the Salvation Army and their Angel Tree program. “We take names off the Angel Tree,” says Hobbs, “And that helps them, and we spend the money back in Walmart.”

The members of VVA Chapter 203 are not alone in their willingness to give back to their communities. In fact, nationally, veterans constitute one of the most vibrant communities of volunteers, yet there’s no way to definitively quantify that statement. The closest we can come is a statis-tic by the National Conference on Citizenship.

According to their website, better than one out of every four veterans is involved in some sort of volun-teer activity. More than five million American military veterans give in excess of 82 million hours of service

ohn Sparks, U.S. Army, was flying a reconnaissance mission over enemy ter-ritory on April 24, 1968 when his twin-engine OV-1 Mohawk was hit by anti-aircraft fire. With both engines gone, he and the pilot ejected over a heavily wooded area near the Laotian border. Sparks was captured and spent nearly five years in the Hanoi Hilton, the soldiers’ euphemism for the most despi-cable prisoner-of-war camp in North Vietnam.

back to their communities. Aside from the knowledge and an-

ecdotal evidence from groups like the VVA, American Legion and Veterans of Foreign Wars, it’s very hard to see these vol-vets in action. Yet, time after time when there’s a volunteer project underway, whether it’s building a house for the homeless, collecting toys for underprivileged kids, paying an electric bill for a senior citizen or just picking up litter from a local highway, you see them. They’re there. Veterans are always among the volunteers.

The information given earlier in this story about Jack Sparks was just about all The Pulse could get. He was very tight-lipped about the amount and extent of work donated by him and his comrades except to say that veterans—mostly older veterans who are retired—have the time, energy and know-how to get things done. To get things done on time and within a budget. Yet for all they do, most veterans do it in the back-ground. They don’t do it for the credit, or for any other reason except that they feel they need to.

There are many groups whose adver-tised purpose is to help veterans. The Wounded Warrior Project, Disabled American Veterans, Wings for Warriors and We Honor Veterans are all dedicated to helping the veteran. And even in their ranks, most of the volunteers are veter-ans. It’s a holdover from their military service, when each soldier was told to


look to his left, then look to his right. He was then told that these are his brothers and that each would look after the other. In military jar-gon it’s called, “Got your six,” “six” meaning the clock-relative position of your back. Soldiers, sailors, Ma-rines and airmen always have each other’s back.

One of the most active groups of veterans volunteering are those of the Vietnam era. “Most of us are retiring,” says Hobbs, “and we have time to do stuff like this.” Another factor in the volunteerism, especially by Vietnam vets, is that most of them got no hero’s welcome when they returned home from battle. They were simply returning to a na-tion weary of an unpopular war, even being subjected to jeers from anti-war protesters. Not that they blame the reception entirely on those who came before them, but the Vietnam Veterans of America motto is “Never again will one generation of veterans abandon another.”

Hobbs tells The Pulse that not all their work is on a grand scale, such as the collections at Walmart last week. “You know, we’re just a

service organization…that’s what we do,” he says, “Veterans sometimes come through here and they may need gas money and stuff like that.” The VVA membership also helps fellow vets find their way through government red tape. “We help them when they’re homeless,” Hobbs ex-plains, “we help them get their (VA) benefits.”

Air Force veteran Marsha Thibadeaux started volunteering when she enlisted in the service. In a war in which most people were drafted, Thibadeaux willingly en-listed. Being a woman in the 1960s, her job was clerical in nature. But she served four years and is now still giving of herself by standing outside the Walmart.

“I participate in the military fu-nerals in the honor guard,” she says of her other volunteerism. “I’m the bugle blower and I help with the hat ceremony for the POWs and if they ask me to do something, I do it—whatever.” Thibadeaux’s experience as a clerk is also helpful in guiding other vets through the process of getting needed assistance from the government and other agencies.

Standing across from Thibadeaux is Ernest Turner. “I served from April 1964 through March of 1970,” says Turner, “And I was in the Army Reserves for six years.” Turner explains that he never had to go overseas and feels extremely fortunate for that. He says he feels much respect for those who did see combat and that he volun-teers to help give back for the good fortune he’s experienced.

Some of the veterans contacted for this story wouldn’t even allow their names to be published. Protective of their contributions to others, they labor in secret. One tells me that he doesn’t want “people coming out of the woodwork looking for free help,” yet a listing of the projects he’s helped complete would put a full-time contractor to shame. For now we’ll call him “Jim.” Jim retired from his job as a salesman several years ago and thought it would be

fun to take his hobby of carpentry and try to make a difference.

Through his church, he has fixed broken windows, built handicap-access ramps, re-screened porches and even built doghouses. Jim uses money collected by the church to buy the materials, uses his own tools and never asks for a dime in return. “I just f igure if I can make one person’s life a little easier,” Jim explains, “by being there and fixing things they can’t f ix on their own…well, I’d appreciate it if somebody did that for me if I needed it.”

It’s very likely that if Jim ever slows down and needs help around the house, there’ll be a fellow vet-eran on his doorstep asking what they can do to help.

Veterans gather at the Hixson Walmart.

The tradition of service doesn't end when the uniform is retired.


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If the audience really listens to what they’re saying, Schultz’s words are really moving and thought-provoking.”

“

ArtsSTEPHANIE SMITH

We’ll Always Love You, Charlie BrownChattanooga Theatre Centre's Youth Production brings the TV classic to life

At the Chattanooga Theatre Centre, the television special and its beloved characters is being brought to life onstage by a group of fortunate young actors. Over 100 kids auditioned for the show, a huge turnout for a youth theatre piece featuring only 11 roles. Luckily, the show is double-cast to double kids’ opportunities. The CTC didn’t want to scare them away by advertising the show as a musical, either, and downplayed that aspect for those au-ditioning.

Director Scott Dunlap says, “Just children’s voices singing is perfect. We wanted to de-emphasize it for them so we didn’t scare them off.”

The main challenge, Dunlap insists, was getting the message across with two different age groups of kids. “The young-er cast didn’t have to work to figure out the rules or hold back at all. The older kids have to make sense of it to do it. It’s really interesting to see the differences.”

But what is the appeal of a 50-year-old story with moral values, religious themes, and, more importantly, no iPads or cell phones?

“Surprisingly for me, even, it’s made me focus on what Christmas really is about,” says Dunlap. “It’s extremely nostalgic, yet also surprisingly moving. I’ve really been affected. This is not a school play, not a church play—instead it’s a group of kids from the community, and if the audi-ence really listens to what they’re saying,

FOR THOSE OF US WHO GREW UP READING BOOKS with reprints of Charles Schultz’s “Peanuts” characters, Charlie

Brown is an institution, a heartbeat of our childhood that remains intact. Even 50 years later, younger audiences are drawn to the tele-vision movies like “A Charlie Brown Christmas” without having read a comic strip. Such is the power of Schultz’s stories of Linus, Lucy, Snoopy—and Charlie Brown.

From Their Heads To The StageMuse of Fire once again stages young playwrights’ creations

A sushi falls in love with a water-melon. A family figures out how to stay together. A dog tries to save the world. A teenager learns to stand up for what she wants. A scientist bear creates potions to stop…a fear of rocks.

These are just a few of the play concepts written by 10-, 11-, and 12-year-old playwrights for The Muse of Fire Project.

A ten-week after-school theatre camp held at the Chattanooga Pub-lic Library, The Muse of Fire Project has been going strong for five years. Ten students come in and play games, eat snacks, brainstorm ideas, and develop the skills to write short plays with substance. As the stu-dents are mentored by the adults, who sometimes seem more excited than the kids, their confidence and excitement grows. Out of the unin-

hibited imaginations come charac-ters that adults would rarely get to play—magic trees, lumberjacks, su-permodels, warrior cats, and many more.

Foam-core guitars, magic capes, and compositions by real music composers add to the authenticity of the worlds the children created on paper. The end result is always something fresh, original and fun. Make reservations in advance [email protected]. Sug-gested $10 donation at the door.

— Stephanie Smith

The Muse of Fire ProjectFriday, 7 p.m.Saturday, 3, 7 p.m.Chattanooga Public Library1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310themuseoffireproject.org

FRI12.11FAMILY FRIENDLY

Jake GullageA musical act that has opened for Henry Cho and Etta May.7:30, 9:45 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

SAT12.12HOLIDAY DANCE

Chattanooga Ballet: “The Nutcracker”Come see the timeless holiday classic from some of the city's best dancers.8 p.m.Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St.chattanoogaonstage.com

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Holiday Pop-Up ShopHandmade goods from many of Chattanooga's emerging designers. 9 a.m.Chattanooga WorkSpace302 W. 6th St.(423) 822-5750chattanoogaworkspace.com

The Muse of Fire playwrights and volunteers.


Schultz’s words are really moving and thought-provoking.”

In 1965, the television show almost wasn’t what it became. There was no Vince Guaraldi jazz track (which the CTC has recorded for consistency in the shows) and, notoriously, studio ex-ecutives wanted a lisping Linus, who quotes from the Bible to tell Charlie Brown what Christmas is about, cut out of the program. It turns out those stu-dio executives were wrong. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” has stood the test of time and continues to touch people with its simple message, which can get lost in today’s culture of uncertainty, mistrust, and conditional love, some-thing that is not lost on these young actors.

“At the first rehearsal we sat down and I asked the kids, ‘Why do we keep telling a story that seems futile be-cause we keep missing the message?’” says Dunlap. “We were all kind of stumped—and then one child said, ‘If we say it and it’s real kids in front of people I think they’ll get it’ and I said ‘I think you’re right.’”

For people familiar with the TV show, seeing the live show will be familiar be-cause the script is exactly the same.

“Literally everything the kids say is word-for-word like the television spe-cial,” says Dunlap. He laughs. “There are things you don’t notice when you start working on the play because they

were in a cartoon. Suddenly props dis-appear or reappear and you wonder where they come from. To make anima-tion come to life, you begin to realize the challenges.”

Sets and costumes have been taken back to Schultz’s drawings, as opposed to the cardboard-like quality of the tele-vision special. “We take it back to what he was imitating in his drawings,” says Dunlap. “We found clothes that look like the clothes, but things with tex-ture. We tried to bring that flatness into a three-dimensional world. I mean, the hairstyles are strange live, so we were going back for inspiration about 1959-65 to what would a little girl look like at that time. It can get creepy if you dress like a cartoon coming to life. That’s the danger when trying to replicate an im-pressionist.”

The biggest takeaway for the audi-ence will probably be the nostalgia of what it was like as a child to be in Char-lie Brown’s shoes, says Dunlap.

“Having it be live and having it be children, you do realize that seeing it as a child, as Charlie Brown is experienc-ing it, would be hateful,” he explains. “The Charlie Brown story really does go back to being a ‘Charlie Brown Christmas’—he is the one who chang-es. When you see a real kid go through it, it’s very meaningful and makes it more real. That’s one of the great things that live theatre does.”

Charlie Brown (Tison Buck) tells Dr. Lucy Van Pelt (Rachel Lowe) that he doesn't have the Christmas Spirit. Lucy suggests he direct the Christmas play.

FIRST TENNESSEE FOUNDATION POPS SERIES

HOME for the HOLIDAYS12.19.15 • 7:30pm

12.20.15 • 3:00pmTivoli Theatre

423.267.8583www.chattanoogasymphony.org


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Holiday Pop-Up Shop9 a.m.Chattanooga WorkSpace302 W. 6th St.(423) 822-5750chattanoogaworkspace.comRuby Falls’ Christmas Underground10 a.m.Ruby Falls1720 Scenic Hwy.(423) 821-2544rubyfalls.comHomeschool Science Club1 p.m.Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738cdmfun.orgPaw Pals Storytime1:30 p.m.McKamey Animal Center4500 N. Access Rd.(423) 305-6500mckameyanimalcenter.comOoltewah Farmers Market3 p.m.Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co. 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775ooltewahnursery.comMembers Holiday Party6 p.m.Hunter Museum of American Art10 Bluff View(423) 267-0968huntermuseum.orgSouthern Belle Christmas Carol Cruise7 p.m.

Southern Belle Riverboat201 Riverfront Pkwy.Pier 2chattanoogariverboat.comThe Lincoln Center: Balanchine’s “The Nutcracker”7 p.m.East Ridge 185080 S. Terrace(423) 855-9652carmike.com“The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”7:30 p.m.Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga104 N. Tuxedo Ave.(423) 602-8640Jake Gullage7:30 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233

thecomedycatch.com

FRIDAY12.11

Holiday Pop Up Shop9 a.m.Chattanooga WorkSpace302 W. 6th St.(423) 822-5750chattanoogaworkspace.comUSA Dance Holiday Ball 7:15 p.m.Lundy Hall Gymnasium Brainerd United Methodist Church 4315 Brainerd Rd.chattanoogausadance.com“The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”7:30 p.m.Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga104 N. Tuxedo Ave.

(423) 602-8640“Children of Eden”7:30 p.m.RKW Community TheatreMemorial Auditorium399 McCallie Ave.closeddoorentertainment.comJake Gullage7:30, 9:45 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com“A Christmas Story, the Musical!”8 p.m.Chattanooga Theatre Centre400 River St.(423) 267-8534theatrecentre.comChattanooga Ballet: “The Nutcracker”8 p.m.Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St.chattanoogaonstage.com

SATURDAY12.13

Chattanooga Holiday Market10 a.m.Chattanooga Convention Center1150 Carter St.chattanoogamarket.comPoptots Holiday Blanket Concert: String Quintet 10 a.m.Creative Discovery Museum321 Chestnut St.cdmfun.orgBrainerd Farmers Market10 a.m.Grace Episcopal Church

THE UNWRAPPING OF CHRISTMASThis serio-comic drama by NYC award-winning playwright Pamela Scott examines the dysfunctional family dynamic in full holiday (anti-saccharine) style.

"The Unwrapping of Christmas"Monday, 7 p.m.ReCreate Cafe800 McCallie Ave.

"The Nutcracker"

Make Plans!

For more info call:706.820.2531

1400 Patten Road,Lookout Mountain, GA 30750

Open Christmas Night (Closed Christmas Eve Night)

A portion of each ticket sold goes to support

Ronald McDonald House Charities of Greater

Chattanooga

A Magical Adventurefor the Whole Family

Nightly at Rock City • 6pm-9pmatop Lookout Mountain!

Meet Santa & Mrs. Claus Gingerbread Cookie Decorating

Sugar Plum Fairy MakeoversLive North Pole Lodge Entertainment

Inara the Ice Queen & Jack FrostThe Magical Dancing Forest

Award-Winning Lighting Extravaganzawith Breathtaking Holiday Scenes

Now throughJanuary 2!


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"The Best Christmas Pageant Ever"

20 Belvoir Ave.(423) 698-0330saygrace.netOpen House11 a.m.AVA Gallery30 Frazier Ave(423) 265-4282avarts.orgThe Met: “The Magic Flute” Encore12:55 p.m.East Ridge 185080 S. Terrace(423) 855-9652carmike.comSouthern Belle ’Tis the Season Lunch Cruise1 p.m.Southern Belle Riverboat201 Riverfront Pkwy.Pier 2chattanoogariverboat.com“A Very Victorian Christmas”1 p.m.Houston Museum of Decorative Arts210 High St.thehoustonmuseum.orgHolmies Give Back! A Holiday Happening2 p.m.East Chattanooga Academy of Art and Social Justice2437 Glass St.“A Charlie Brown Christmas”2:30 p.m.Chattanooga Theatre Centre400 River St.(423) 267-8534theatrecentre.com“Children of Eden”2:30, 7:30 p.m.RKW Community Theatre

Memorial Auditorium399 McCallie Ave.closeddoorentertainment.com“The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”7:30 p.m.Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga104 N. Tuxedo Ave.(423) 602-8640Jake Gullage7:30, 9:45 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com“A Christmas Story, the Musical!”8 p.m.Chattanooga Theatre Centre400 River St.(423) 267-8534theatrecentre.comChattanooga Ballet: “The Nutcracker”8 p.m.Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St.chattanoogaonstage.com

SUNDAY12.14 Chattanooga Holiday Market11 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center1150 Carter St.chattanoogamarket.comChattanooga Ballet: “The Nutcracker”2 p.m.Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St.chattanoogaonstage.com

“A Charlie Brown Christmas”2:30 p.m.Chattanooga Theatre Centre400 River St.(423) 267-8534theatrecentre.com“The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”2:30 p.m.Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga104 N. Tuxedo Ave.(423) 602-8640“Messiah Community Singalong”3 p.m.Chattanooga First Seventh Day Adventist Church7450 Standifer Gap Road(423) 605–2468Lee University Children’s Chorale3 p.m.Lee University1020 N. Ocoee St.Leeuniversity.eduJake Gullage7:30 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

MONDAY12.15 Vintage Swing Dance7 p.m.Clear Spring Yoga17 N. Market St.(931) 982-1678clearspringyoga.com“The Unwrapping of Christmas” Reading

7 p.m.ReCreate Café800 McCallie Ave.facebook.com/recreatecafearts

TUESDAY12.16 Noon Nosh and Haddasah Joint Mitzvah ProjectNoonJewish Cultural Center5461 N. Terrace(423) 493-0270jewishchattanooga.comMindfulness for Beginners5:45 p.m.Center for Mindful Living400 E. Main St.(423) 486-1279centerformindfulliving.wildapricot.org

WEDNESDAY12.17 Middle East Dance10:30 a.m.Jewish Cultural Center5461 N. Terrace(423) 493-0270jewishchattanooga.comMain Street Farmers Market4 p.m.325 E. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.comWednesday Night Chess Club6 p.m.Downtown Public Library1001 Broad St.

Take an adventurethrough an ice cave

to see Santa!Watch gemstone miners play,catch a view of the NorthernLights and journey throughthe Sugar Plum Fairy Village.

Join the miners in their searchfor Joystone as they celebrate

the holidays undergroundin Christmas town!

Thursdaysthrough Sundays

December3rd - 20th

10am - 8pmDecember

22nd & 23rd3pm - 8 pm

1720 S. Scenic HWY • Chattanooga, TN 37409

423.821.2544 RubyFalls.com

$9.95Adults & Children

$4.00with purchase ofRuby Falls ticket!

-OR-

Map these locations on chatta-noogapulse.com. Send event list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected]


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MusicMARC T. MICHAEL

‘Street Lights’ opens with a semi-fuzzed bit of noodling that without warning gives way to a glorious wall of sound and soaring vocals.”

“

PLVNET (THAT’S “PLANET” TO YOU AND ME) IS A BAND I’ve been trying to write about for a couple of months now. I

say “trying,” because despite my best intentions something always seems to interfere (illness, shifting deadline, time-sensitive material, etc.). The band has been very patient with these setbacks, while I have started wondering whether or not fate decreed this article wasn’t to be.

Even now I have to wonder if maybe the battery in my laptop is going to ex-plode before I can finish typing. On the other hand, maybe it isn’t that fate didn’t want me to write about PLVNET so much as it wanted me to wait just a little while longer.

In the interim, the band has com-pleted a grueling East Coast tour and started recording some hot new tracks that may form the basis of their next album. In other words, I was going to write about a good band—now I get to write about a great band.

The band clearly has a wide variety of influences, both individual artists and genres, but my first impression was that the Foo Fighters DNA has left the most recognizable mark. That’s high praise, by the way. A band could do much worse than have some similari-ties to the Foo Fighters. “Similarities” is a key here; the band is not a clone of, cover of or tribute to FF, they just hap-pen to have some similarities.

I was fortunate enough to be given three new tracks to evaluate. Their first album is damn fine, but the new tracks reflect some changes in line up

FRI12.11GOT DA BLUES

Rick Rushing and the Blues StrangersWe told you about the new album last week. Now you can hear it live.8:30 p.m.The Foundry1201 Broad St.

SAT12.12OUTLAW TIME

David Allen CoeOne of the legendary outlaws of country music is back and better than ever.9 p.m.Revelry Room1400 Market St.revelryroom.com

THU12.10JAZZ HANDS

Keith Brown QuintetDo you like jazz? Really good jazz? Then you don't dare miss this show.7:30 p.m.Barking Legs Theater1307 Dodds Ave.barkinglegs.org

Still Rockin’ After Nine YearsThe Tremont Taven celebrates musically in style

A little hole in the wall joint that is difficult to spot unless you know it’s there is nonetheless one of the best places to hear singer-songwriters on any night of the week in Chatta-nooga.

On Saturday and Sunday that joint will host the Tremont Tavern An-niversary Party Version 9.0. Eight singer-songwriters will take the “stage”—i.e. the tiny corner at the back of the bar—to perform their original works to a home crowd very familiar with their music.

The event will be crowded and noisy because it’s hard to fit what will surely be dozens of people into a bar this size, but the benefits will be worth it.

Grab a signature burger and your favorite beer—if you’ve been there often enough you have your own mug on the wall—and drink a toast to TT while gabbing with friends and

listening to music you’ve enjoyed for years.

One of the coziest places to see and be seen, after a couple of eve-nings there you’ll come to regard Tremont Tavern as home. And that’s the way they like it.

— Stephanie Smith

Tremont Tavern Anniversary Party Version 9.0Friday, Dec. 11 8 p.m. Barron Wilson 9 p.m. Slim Pickins 10 p.m. Mike McDade 11 p.m. Jordan Hallquist & The OutfitSaturday, Dec. 128 p.m. Johnathan Wimpee 9 p.m. Megan Howard 10 p.m. Ryan Oyer 11 p.m. Function1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

Watch the Spring Sky For A Brand New AlbumLocla band PLVNET is working on a fireworks display of a releaseMike McDade

“


(and in the maturity and songwriting ability of the band). Of these three new tracks only one, “Street Lights,” has been dubbed fit for human con-sumption yet. The other two tracks are works in progress, although to my ear they sound ready to go.

“Street Lights” opens with a semi-fuzzed bit of noodling that without warning gives way to a glorious wall of sound and soaring vocals. Just as swiftly, it falls back to the verse where the instrumentation becomes sub-dued and the vocals are more “matter of fact”—at least until the next cho-rus, when it all explodes again.

This “tension and release” dynam-ic seems to be a staple of the band. They use it to great effect, making what are already very well-written songs even more audibly interest-ing. One gets the impression that the band is exercising a great deal of re-straint, only letting slip precisely as much they mean to at any given mo-ment. Even the guitar solo is glori-ously minimalist.

The takeaway from this is that while many bands are often described as having “raw talent,” PLVNET is a

powerhouse of refined talent. Not a big surprise there, either, as at least a few of the fellas are alumni of bands like Downstream and Crank Sanatra.

Wes Hartman’s vocal style and ability is perfectly suited to the band, as are the guitars of Nathanimal Lu-ttrell and Will Martin. Bassist Abe Watson and drummer Michael “Red” Souther provide the solid rhythm background that allows the rest of the band to explore the space, vocally and instrumentally.

PLVNET just came off of a gruel-ing tour, covering 5,300 miles in 20 days and bringing back a great deal more experience and inspiration than they started with. See it for yourself on Thursday, Dec. 17 at the Revelry Room with special guests Divided We Stand from Knoxville.

In the meantime, PLVNET’s cur-rent catalog can be found in all the usual online haunts and I highly rec-ommend having a listen. Besides the new single, “Sleeping with Thieves” is a personal favorite. If the work they’ve done is any indication, their new album (due next spring) is going to be magnificent.

4 WAYS TO PURCHASE TICKETSTRACK29.CO • REVELRYROOM.CO • (423) 521-2929

BOX OFFICE IS OPEN 10AM - 6PM EVERY FRIDAY

GRACE POTTERWEDNESDAY • JANUARY 13

$29.50 ADVANCE • $33 DAY OF

DAVID ALLAN COESATURDAY • DECEMBER 12

$25 ADVANCE & DAY OF

N O W O N S A L E ! OUTLAW COUNTRY

HIGH ON FIRE WITH CROWBAR

DAVID ALLAN COE

PLVNET • DIVIDED WE STAND

NICK LUTSKO & THE PUPPET PEOPLE

MAGIC MEN LIVE

TUT & THE PLUG

BBACKUP PLANET

NEW MADRID

THE MAIN SQUEEZE

HERE COME THE MUMMIES

THE VELCRO PYGMIES

MITCH ROSSELL

GRACE POTTER

STEEP STEEP CANYON RANGERS

JOSH ABBOTT BAND

MARC BROUSSARD

JOSH GARRELS • JOHN MARK MCMILLAN

REV

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REV

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T29

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T29

REVREV

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12/11

12/12

12/17

12/18

12/19

12/16

12/2612/26

12/27

12/30

NYE

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1/8

1/13

1/161/16

1/21

1/23

2/4

FALL CONCERT CALENDAR


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How I Became The Bomb

THURSDAY12.10 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m.St. John’s Meeting Place1278 Market St.stjohnsrestaurant.comRick Rushing with Dakari & Friends 6 p.m. Bluewater Grille 224 Broad St. bluewaterchattanooga.com Prime Country Band6:30 p.m.Ringgold Nutrition Center144 Circle Dr., Ringgold(706) 935-2541Live Bluegrass6:30 p.m.Whole Foods Market301 Manufacturers Rd.wholefoodsmarket.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comJesse James & Tim Neal7 p.m.Mexi Wings VII5773 Brainerd Rd.(423) 296-1073Celebrate Christmas at Covenant7 p.m.Covenant College14049 Scenic Hwy.covenant.edu/celebrateChristmasKeith Brown Quintet7:30 p.m.Barking Legs Theater1307 Dodds Ave.barkinglegs.org

Bluegrass Thursdays7:30 p.m.Feed Co. Table & Tavern201 W. Main St.feedtableandtavern.comOpen Mic with Hap Heninnger9 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.comBrave Baby, Daddy Issues, CRJJ’S Bohemia9 p.m. 231 E. MLK Blvd.jjsbohemia.com

FRIDAY12.11

Eddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.El Meson2204 Hamilton Place Blvd.elmesonrestaurant.com

Binji Varsossa6 p.m.Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461Chattanooga Boys Choir6:30 pmRock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comCelebrate Christmas at Covenant7 p.m.Covenant College14049 Scenic Hwy.covenant.edu/celebrateChristmasRiver City Sessions7 p.m.The Camp House149 E. MLK Blvd.thecamphouse.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.The Coconut Room

6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comTim Lewis7 p.m.El Meson248 Northgate Parkelmesonchattanooga.comHigh on Fire7:30 p.m.Revelry Room1400 Market St.revelryroom.co Tremont Tavern Anniversary Party Version 9.08 p.m.1203 Hixson Piketremonttavern.comRick Rushing and the Blues Strangers8:30 p.m.The Foundry1201 Broad St.chattanooganhotel.comRoughwork

9 p.m.World of Beer412 Market St.wobusa.comHow I Became the Bomb, SOCROJJ’s Bohemia9 p.m.231 E. MLK Blvd.jjsbohemia.comGary Poole9 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.comArson10 p.m.Bud’s Sports Bar5751 Brainerd Rd.budssportsbar.com

SATURDAY12.12 Chattanooga Girls Choir11 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center1150 Carter St.chattanoogamarket.comButch Ross12:30 p.m.Chattanooga Convention Center1150 Carter St.chattanoogamarket.comEddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.El Meson2204 Hamilton Place Blvd.elmesonrestaurant.comBinji Varsossa6 p.m.Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461

PULSE PICK: GARY POOLEOne of The Pulse's own picks up his acoustic guitar and headlines a night of original music and reimagined classics in a rare acoustic-only solo performance.

Gary PooleFriday, 9 p.m.City Cafe @ The Office901 Carter St.citycafemenus.com


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High On Fire

Jericho Brass6:30 pmRock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comTim Lewis7 p.m.El Meson248 Northgate Parkelmesonchattanooga.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comTremont Tavern Anniversary Party Version 9.08 p.m.Tremont Tavern1203 Hixson Piketremonttavern.comBirds with Fleas, Chilhowie Royal, Beth Ireland 8 p.m.Barking Legs Theater1307 Dodds Ave.barkinglegs.orgRick Rushing and the Blues Strangers8:30 p.m.The Foundry1201 Broad St.chattanooganhotel.comDavid Allen Coe9 p.m.Revelry Room1400 Market St.revelryroom.com Steadfast Soul, Shabti, Courtney HolderJJ’s Bohemia9 p.m.231 E. MLK Blvd.jjsbohemia.com

Raven Cliff9 p.m.Puckett’s Chattanooga2 W. Aquarium Way #110puckettsgro.comArson10 p.m.Bud’s Sports Bar5751 Brainerd Rd.budssportsbar.comMark Andrew10 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.com

SUNDAY12.13 Butch Ross12:30 p.m.Chattanooga Convention Center1150 Carter St.chattanoogamarket.com Roni Stoneman3 p.m.Barking Legs Theater1307 Dodds Ave.barkinglegs.orgLou Wamp & Swing Shift3:30 p.m.Chattanooga Convention Center1150 Carter St.chattanoogamarket.comOpen Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m.Long Haul Saloon2536 Cummings Hwy.(423) 822-9775Christian Mann6:30 pmRock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.com

Lovedrug, Side Effects, Kerchief8 p.m.JJ’S Bohemia231 E. MLK Blvd.jjsbohemia.com

MONDAY12.14 Woodstock Middle & High School Orchestras6:30 pmRock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comMonday Nite Big Band7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.Very Open Mic8 p.m.The Well1800 Rossville Blvd. #8wellonthesouthside.com

TUESDAY12.15 LFO High School Jazz Band 6:30 pmRock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comBill McCallie & In Cahoots6:30 p.m.Southern Belle Riverboat201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.comOpen Mic with Mike McDade8 p.m.Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

WEDNESDAY12.16 Eddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.El Meson248 Northgate Parkelmesonrestaurant.comNo Big Deal 6 p.m. SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. (423) 834-9300Chattanooga Flute Choir6:30 pmRock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comDexter Bell Quartet8 p.m.Barking Legs Theater1307 Dodds Ave.barkinglegs.orgBlues Night 8 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.comPreston Parris8 p.m.The Palms Lounge6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.com

Map these locations on chatta-noogapulse.com. Send event list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected]

Same Southside location for 25 years

Now open for dinner Tuesday-Saturday

Home of Chattanooga Style BBQ, as enjoyed by Pres. George W. Bush!

1251 Market SteetChattanooga, TN(423) 267-2726

www.porkersbbq.com

#1 Desserts!Voted “Best of the Best”

901 Carter Street

901 Carter St. Inside City Café (423) 634-9191

Thursday, December 10: 9pmOpen Mic with Hap Henninger

Friday, December 11: 9pmGary Poole

Saturday, December 12: 10pmMark Andrew

Tuesday, December 15: 7pmServer/Hotel Appreciation Night

$5 Pitchers • $2 Wells ! • $1.50 Domestics

Wednesday, December 16, 8pmWednesday Blues Night

citycafemenu.com/the-of�ce


They had me at “37-min-

ute live version of ‘Sister Ray.’” That is the exact mo-ment this writer knew he needed to own The Com-plete Matrix Tapes, which documents four different Vel-vet Underground sets at the San Francisco venue Matrix in late 1969.

Fans are inti-mately familiar with the churning, locomotive-on-fire 17-minute studio version on White Light/White Heat, but the version here is even more of an epic, using time and space (and drum-mer Maureen Tucker’s snare-drum-as-foley-art gunshots at appropriate times) as dramatic ele-ments in Lou Reed’s tale of “debauchery and decay” and careening wildly through its curves when it heats up.

(In the liner notes, bassist/organist Doug Yule later claimed that the song’s length in live performances was originally a form of revenge against the Grateful Dead, who preceded the band onstage two evenings prior, but that’s an-other story.)

While the 4-CD set The Complete Matrix Tapes includes a number of previously unreleased re-cordings, sizable chunks of these performances had already been released on the double-album 1969: The Velvet Underground Live and the 3-CD The Quine Tapes. But, the reason this material is worth revisiting yet again is because of the as-tounding (yes, astounding) sound quality here, blowing the tinny 1969 and the low-fidelity au-dience recordings of The Quine Tapes away.

The clarity makes the performances more real and less mythical—like the group just played last week down the block—with Reed’s meaty guitar chugs, Sterling Morrison’s trade-mark guitar timbres and Tucker’s primitive vitality unobscured. The only people who lose here are the fanatics who bought last year’s Su-per Deluxe 6-CD version of The Velvet Under-ground, which included 2 CDs with selections from these Matrix recordings, and now have to buy them again; I see what you did there, Polydor.

This writer doesn’t recommend binge lis-tening, due to the song repetition which can be wearying—for example, “Some Kinda Love,” “Heroin” and “We’re Gonna Have a Real Good Time Together” show up on all four sets. In-stead, take your time and savor the numerous highlights, like the supercharged “White Light/White Heat” (which absolutely blows the stu-dio version away), the majestic “Ocean” and the propulsive 9-minute “What Goes On” with

hypnotic organ lines. In the intro to “The Black Angel’s Death

Song,” Reed explains humorously that the track—apparently difficult listening for many—was used to empty clubs; however, those who stuck around—like those who waited 46 years to get The Complete Matrix Tapes—were reward-ed.

Years ago, a silly question

popped into this writer’s head—“Has Michael Gira of Swans ever just sat down, turned on the TV and laughed his head off at, say, an epi-sode of Friends?”

Here’s another: has Glenn Dan-zig ever—ever, even as a child—eaten an ice cream cone? Do these people—purveyors of darkness, doom and gloom—ever smile when they aren’t onstage? Laugh? Surely, right? But one just can’t picture it, unless, perhaps, their enemies have just been crushed or humiliated, or something like that.

Those familiar with the compelling work of Oregon-based musician Liz Harris—better known as the one-woman band Grouper—know it to be a largely haunted and somber affair, with a permeating melancholia portrayed with fuzzy and blurry sonic fogs and beautiful, yet barely discernible singing.

Grouper’s excellent 2014 album Ruins re-vealed a welcome new stage in her artistic evo-lution, and her new band Helen, which alleg-edly began with the intentions of being a thrash band, offers yet another phase, with a different face of Harris.

The first part of the opening track, “Ry-der,” is a bit of a red herring, featuring warbling strums of an acoustic guitar being played on what sounds like a damaged cassette player, se-verely warping the sounds; then, the song bursts open with a noise-pop, shimmering shoegaze approach.

The concise 79-second track “Covered in Shade” is downright bouncy, like some-thing from the K Records family; a number of tracks—including “Felt This Way” with unre-lentingly distorted guitars and “Grace” with its primal, pounding drums—ooze a strong Black Tambourine/Slumberland Records vibe.

Here’s the thing—Harris actually sounds like she’s enjoying herself, even though her singing style and reverberating vocal effects are fairly similar to what she does as Grouper. It’s an odd duality—there’s an underlying vigor but with a bangs-covering-the-eyes shyness—but it works here.

RECORD REVIEWS ERNIE PAIK

HelenThe Original Faces(Kranky)

The Velvet UndergroundThe Complete Matrix Tapes(Polydor)

shakybeatsfestival.com

AT L A N TA , G A • C E N T E N N I A L O LY M P I C P A R K


Three years ago, I walked into a nonde-script restaurant in Bangkok, Thailand, in search of a dish that is virtually unheard of in the U.S.—boat

noodles, or guai dtiaw in Thai. There were no tourists or Western-

ers in sight, only Thai locals lining the seats along the roughly hewn wooden communal tables that filled every inch of the restaurant’s space. As they fin-ished each bowl of noodles, customers would carefully stack the chipped and cracked brown ceramic bowls to create a personal monument to honor of their culinary triumph over each serving of this iconic dish.

At only 10 baht per bowl (about 42¢ US), it was easy for me to quickly create my own pillar of ceramic bowls as I sam-pled both the beef and pork versions, along with a variety of noodle options. The rich, slightly thick broth has a stun-ningly delicious and surprisingly intri-cate fabric of flavors that weave together

to form a dish that rivals Vietnamese pho or Mexican mole in complexity and depth.

Before you grab your keys and head for the nearest Thai restaurant, I have to warn you that Thai boat noodles are not available in Chattanooga. However, all of the ingredients to make your own can be found at your favorite Asian mar-ket, such as Asian Food & Gifts in Hix-son. The following recipe is long and requires a lot of ingredients, but the preparation is simple and could not be more worthy of the effort.

Note: To assemble boat noodles at ser vice, you’re going to need a noodle basket, at least four ser ving bowls that can hold up to three cups of f inished boat noodles and four ad-ditional, soup-sized bowls for assembling ingredients at ser vice.

The broth3 lb. boneless pork shoulder, cut into 2” long strips, no more than 1/4” thick 1 thumb-sized piece of galangal, thinly sliced 3 large stalks lemongrass, trimmed and thinly sliced 8 large fresh cilantro roots, lightly

smashed 3 fresh or frozen pandan leaves, slightly bruised and tied into a knot 1-1/2 cups roughly chopped Chinese celery leaves 3/4 cup light soy sauce 1 tbsp. black soy sauce 1/4 cup fish sauce 5 oz. palm sugar 1 cinnamon stick 3 bay leaves 2 tbsp. black peppercorns 3 pieces of star anise 12 cups waterPlace all the broth ingredients into a

large stockpot and bring to a boil, then cover and reduce the heat to a slow sim-mer. Simmer for one hour, or until the pork is tender but not falling apart.

Reserve five cups of broth and two cups of stewed pork. The rest can be stored in the refrigerator for up to five days or the freezer for up to six months. Keep the broth and pork covered, on low heat, until time to serve.

Assembly1/4 cup chili vinegar 2 tbsp. fried garlic 2 tbsp. Thai chili powder 2 tbsp. fried garlic oil 1 tbsp. raw pork blood (you can leave this out if you’re skeered)

12 oz. boneless pork shoulder, sliced into bite-size strips 12 pork balls (no, not testicles...) 12 oz. thin rice noodles soaked in lukewarm water about 15 minutes (until they just turn pliable), then drained well3 oz. Chinese water spinach leaves and thin stems, cut into 2” pieces 3 oz. bean sprouts (about 2 cups, lightly packed) 1/3 cup roughly chopped Chinese celery 1/3 cup roughly chopped cilantro (stems and leaves)

How to make it

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. In each of your serving bowls put 1 tbsp. chili vinegar, 1-1/2 tsp. fried garlic oil, 1-1/2 tsp. fried garlic, 1 tsp. chili pow-der, and 1 tsp. pork blood (optional).

In each of your four additional soup-sized bowls, combine 3 oz. of raw pork shoulder, 3 pork balls, 3 oz. noodles, about 2/3 cup of water spinach, and 1/3 cup bean sprouts. Set remaining ingre-dients aside.

Making one portion at a time, add one bowl of the noodle/pork mixture to a noodle basket and immerse in the boiling water. Stir the ingredients with a wooden spoon or chopsticks until the pork shoulder is just cooked through, less than two minutes.

Drain well. Add the contents of the basket into a serving bowl, top with about 1/3 cup of the reserved stewed pork, then add 1 cup of broth. Repeat with the remaining three bowls.

Just before eating, add a generous three-finger pinch of the remaining wa-ter spinach, sprouts, Chinese celery and cilantro.

Provide guests a condiment station with chili fish sauce, sugar, vinegar-soaked chiles, and chili powder so they can season to taste before eating.

Longtime food writer and professional chef Mike McJunkin is a native Chattanoogan who has trained chefs, owned and operated restau-rants. Join him on Facebook at facebook.com/SushiAndBiscuits

COLUMNSUSHI & BISCUITS

Best Thai You’ve Never Had

MIKE MCJUNKIN

Chef Mike reveals the secret of making classic boat noodles

“All of the ingredients to make your own can be found at your favorite Asian market, such as Asian Food & Gifts in Hixson.”

20 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 10, 2015 • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Holiday

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Wright JeWelers 6311 e. Brainerd rd • (423) 499-0569

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Want to see the world in a whole new way? Get a Tandem Skydiving gift certificate from the Chattanooga Skydiving Company. Great for your favorite loved one, coworker, boss, Secret Santa, or even people you like. Good for two years, and best yet, buy now and get the jump video included for free! chattanoogaskydivingcompany.com

Green pipes in the Mario series can be gateways to new areas, or paths to nasty surprises. Hopefully, this sweet Level-Up Pipe Mug won't have any of the latter: it houses 15 oz. of hot or cold liquid, has a fittingly retro lookand is dishwasher and microwave safe.$13, thinkgeek.com

Anki Overdrive is an app-connected blend of classic slot cars and kart-racing video games, and the mixture of real-world toys and electronic "weapons" and leveling works much better than it has any right to. $120, anki.com

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The Big Green Egg stands alone as the most versatile barbecue or outdoor cooking product on the market, with more capabilities than all other conventional cookers combined. From appetizers to entrees to desserts, the Big Green Egg will exceed all of your expectations for culinary perfection…and with seven convenient sizes to choose from, there is a Big Green Egg to fit any lifestyle! Find the one that's right for you at Gas Appliances Unlimited, 5604 Hwy. 153, (423) 677-6303. gasppliancesunlimited.com

It's the world's first LED light and dual stereo speakers combined into one bulb. No, we're not making this up. The Sengled Pulse Solo is an LED light with dual 3-watt speakers to provide stereo sound effect. You simply screw the bulb into your existing lamp and download the app onto your phone, then instantly stream music and regulate the lighting.$60, sengled.com

This fun and unique pocket-size paperback coloring

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Don't let yourself get caught up in unnecessary wires. The BlueVIBE EXS Headphones combine Bluetooth connectivity and stunning sound quality to wirelessly stream crystal clear audio. Enjoy rich lows and sweeping highs from up to 60 feet away. Microphone and range make for a terrific wireless hands-free Bluetooth headset around the house, in the car and at the office. $40, newegg.com

Every man meeds an Ugly Christmas Sweater. And what could be better than combining a classic holiday mess with suspenders? Everyone likes suspenders, right? Right? And the jingle bells even work, they ring out your joy for the season. Don't be left out in the cold, show your love of the holidays with a sweater than will be remembered for years to come. $70, tipsyelves.com

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No, this is not a Donald Tump hairpiece. it's a Hairy Thing Footstool. Yes, a hairy ottoman-thing, the color of a guinea pig. Great for the living room as an extra seat or footstool. It comes filled with beans and is made from a super-soft long acrylic fur. Be the first to own the ultimate conversation piece. $160, thingindustries.com

New from Michael Anastassiades, the Floating Forest series is evocative of the designers signature minimalist design. The handmade brass planter sits delicately on the rim of a glass while suspending the seed above the surface, facilitating growth. The designer was inspired by an acorn vase by Estrid Ericson, who fell in love with the simple poetry of an object of that nature.$85, thefutureperfect.com

Missed any of the previous Holiday Gift Guides? Find all of our gift selections by visiting our website at ChattanoogaPulse.com in the Fun section. And be sure to pick up next week's issue for even more fun stuff.


I like Sandra Lee. The tall, blond host from “Semi-homemade with Sandra Lee” on Food Network whose tagline is “Always keep it semi-home-made” may be on to something. If you’ve ever watched her show, it quick-ly becomes apparent that one of the benefits you can reap with her time-saving tips is time to make a cocktail.

I have always been inspired by this philosophy of Eat. Decorate. Drink…and finding the right liqueur for each festive occasion can be easy…if you’ve taken the time to do your research first.

I researched the origins of schnapps to discover that the original term trans-

lated from German to “a mouthful” re-fers to a potato- or grain-based liquor that is fruity and usually drunk neat throughout Europe. These are the not the schnapps Santa passes out at the Christmas party in the States.

American schnapps are sweeter, usu-ally sweetened with additives, and typ-ically used in mixed drinks—perfect for the holidays! And for the curious, there are any number of recipes online if you want to do further research. For my part, I’ve combed through some food/drink websites and trolled Face-book to find four of the most festive schnapps-based beverages to serve on

four different holiday occasions. So snap to it, Santa! Bring on the holiday schnapps!

For that holiday party with work colleagues, I suggest a drink that can be made either individually or by the pitcher: the Candy Cane Cocktail, fea-turing peppermint schnapps. To an ice-filled shaker, add 1 shot vanilla rum, 1 shot white chocolate liqueur (Sandra recommends Godiva), and 1 shot pep-permint schnapps. Shake. Pour and add a candy cane garnish and you’ve got a drink that your guests will come back for. (Courtesy of foodnetwork.com)

When your holiday party is at home, hang the mistletoe in the kitchen like the perfect host or hostess you are and

try a Maple Butter Kiss, featuring but-terscotch schnapps. To an ice-filled shaker, add 1/1/2 oz. vodka, 1/2 oz. DeKuyper Buttershots liqueur or but-terscotch schnapps, 1/4 oz. real maple syrup, and 1 oz. half-and-half. Pour and sprinkle with fresh-ground nutmeg. This creamy sweet concoction will be the perfect dessert cocktail if your guests are a bunch of sweet tooths. (Courtesy of foodnetwork.com)

After you’ve put the kids to bed and you’re up late wrapping the last of their gifts, sit down to enjoy The Christ-mas Cookie, featuring peppermint schnapps. To an ice-filled shaker, add 1 oz. peppermint schnapps, 1 oz. Kah-lua, and 1 oz. Carolan’s Irish Cream. Strain into a glass and eat with a choco-late sandwich cookie or any of Santa’s cookies before he gets there! (Courtesy of mixthatdrink.com)

For Christmas morning brunch, warm tummies with a Red Rudolph, featuring cinnamon schnapps. To an iced-filled shaker, add 1/2 oz. orange curacao, 3/4 oz. cinnamon schnapps, 1/2 oz. vodka, and 6 oz. heated cran-berry juice. Top it with whipped cream and garnish with sugar sprinkles on top. This warm, citrusy drink will be the perfect accompaniment to your nerves as the kids unwrap their pres-ents. (Courtesy of mixthatdrink.com)

So enjoy the schnapps. Armed with these four foolproof concoctions, you’re sure to stay on Santa’s nice list this year. — Stephanie Smith

FOOD & DRINKMIXOLOGY

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ScreenJOHN DEVORE

The film tells an age-old story: boy loves Christmas, boy hates relatives, boy gets angry and says he hates Christmas, boy gets family murdered by monstrous Christmas toys.”

“

A POPULAR TOPIC OF CONVERSATION AMONG PEOPLE who don’t have children is just “how terrible the children are

today.” Years ago, apparently, children were angels who did what their parents said all the time and consequently knew exactly how to be-have around adults who have no interest in them. Having spent quite a bit of time working with children, the idea that they are in any way fundamentally different from their predecessors is untrue.

Children are, in broad terms, self-serving, narcissistic, argumentative and emotional. In other words, they act just like adults, but on a smaller scale. Poorly functioning grownups produce poorly functioning kids, which perpetuates the cycle of a poorly functioning society.

If this seems pessimistic, the new holi-day film “Krampus” is probably not for you. “Krampus” offers a unique solution to the inane greed and dismay the holi-days bring every year: punishment by a giant, horned, goat-footed abomination of Santa Claus. It’s the type of film that chills the heart and laughs bitterly in the face of a two-month-long holiday season of giving that is increasingly devoid of any goodness or redemption. In short, “Kram-pus” is a great way to fill an afternoon.

Most German-speaking cultures have a unique way of instilling discipline into their children. While Americans tend to go overboard on positive reinforce-ment, there is nothing quite as effective as scaring young people into compliance through tales of supernatural violence. Most Germanic folklore is downright frightening, filled with blood, gore and death—most of which happens to chil-dren. Kids are easily led, as innocence of-ten begets ignorance, so telling children tales about monsters to keep them in line is more effective than not.

“Krampus” is one such tale, one that never quite made it into the mainstream

SCR

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✴ ✴ ✴ ✴ NEW IN THEATERS ✴ ✴ ✴ ✴

In the Heart of the Sea Based on the 1820 event that inspired "Moby Dick," a whaling ship is preyed upon by a sperm whale, stranding its crew at sea for 90 days, thousands of miles from home. Director: Ron Howard Stars: Chris Hemsworth, Cillian Murphy, Brendan Gleeson, Ben Whishaw

LegendThe story of the identical twin gangsters Reggie and Ronnie Kray, two of the most notorious criminals in British history, and their organized crime empire in the East End of London during the 1960s. Director: Brian Helgeland Stars: Tom Hardy, Emily Browning, Taron Egerton, Colin Morgan

Mozart's “Magic Flute” At The Met"The Met: Live In HD" celebrates ten award-winning years

In celebration of the tenth anni-versary of the Metropolitan Opera’s Peabody and Emmy Award-winning series “The Met: Live in HD,” a spe-cial encore performance of their first-ever live broadcast, Mozart’s The Magic Flute, will be presented on Saturday at East Ridge 18.

The groundbreaking broadcast that launched the Met’s series into movie theaters in 2006, The Magic Flute enchanted opera lovers from around the world with the whimsical humor and breathtaking puppetry of Julie Taymor’s hit production, pre-

sented in a shortened English-lan-guage version.

Under the baton of Maestro James Levine, a winning ensemble cast—in-cluding Nathan Gunn, Ying Huang, Matthew Polenzani, Erika Miklosa, and René Pape—brings fresh life to Mozart’s timeless fairy tale.

The Metropolitan Opera: The Magic Flute Encore Saturday, 12:55 p.m. Carmike East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace (423) 855-9652

Merry Christmas And Buh-Bye“Krampus” is the best holiday horror film in years..and yes, we mean that


American culture. Our tendency to take the best parts of any given situa-tion while downplaying any potentially negative consequences has to be rooted somewhere in our founding documents. “The pursuit of happiness” lends itself to ignoring the reality of sadness. And thus, being bad during Christmastime results in a lump of coal, rather than be-ing whisked away to the underworld in a sackful of weeping children by an an-cient spirit.

It is the advent of the internet, in all its glory, that led to the discovery of the Krampus by American culture. Over the past few years, more and more referenc-es to this mystical beast have popped up in social media. Krampus-like creatures have begun appearing in various forms of popular culture, including basic cable television shows like “The League.”

We have been missing a good holiday horror film from Hollywood. Besides 1984’s “Gremlins,” in which Christmas was largely incidental, holiday horror pictures like “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and “Jack Frost” have been relegated to bargain bins and the back-rooms of video stores (back when there were video stores). “Krampus” is a bet-ter film than both of these genre clas-sics by a wide margin, although the PG-13 rating makes it much less gory than it might have been.

The film tells an age-old story: boy loves Christmas, boy hates relatives, boy

gets angry and says he hates Christmas, boy gets family murdered by monstrous Christmas toys. You know, that old chestnut. The film is delightfully fun-ny and as lighthearted as it can be while bloodlessly killing off the main charac-ters. Director Michael Dougherty has very few features under his belt, but “Krampus” is effective and charming in the way a Christmas horror film ought to be.

It boasts an impressive number of practical effects, rather than relying on CGI, which gives the film a stronger, creepier atmosphere than the typical Hollywood horror. However, the film frequently lacks the bite that it should. The studio appears to have been insis-tent on its having a wide appeal. That being said, it has the potential to be a classic among a certain class of movie-goer.

While watching the film, I was re-minded of “Rare Exports: A Christ-mas Tale,” a Finnish film about an evil Santa Claus. “Krampus” is not as well executed, as Hollywood films have to make certain sacrifices to be market-able in the U.S., but it shares a similar tone.

There’s nothing like a good horror film with an underlying bit of humor. Americans need a little darkness in their celebrations—without that, our children don’t know just how good they have it.

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Free Will Astrology ROB BREZSNY

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): My old friend Jeff started working at a gambling casino in Atlantic City. “You’ve gone over to the dark side!” I kidded. He acknowledged that 90 percent of the casino’s visi-tors lose money gambling. On the bright side, he said, 95 percent of them leave happy. I don’t encour-age you to do this kind of gam-bling in the near future, Sagittar-ius. It’s true that you will be riding a lucky streak. But smarter, surer risks will be a better way to chan-nel your good fortune. So here’s the bottom line: In whatever way you choose to bet or speculate, don’t let your lively spirits trick you into relying on pure impul-siveness. Do the research. Per-form your due diligence. It’s not enough just to be entertained. The goal is to both have fun and be successful.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ancient Greek philosopher Epicu-rus was a pioneer thinker whose ideas helped pave the way for the development of science. Be-lieve nothing, he taught, unless you can evaluate it through your personal observation and logical analysis. Using this admirable ap-proach, he determined that the size of our sun is about two feet in diameter. I’m guessing that you have made comparable misesti-mations about at least two facts of life, Capricorn. They seem quite reasonable but are very wrong. The good news is that you will soon be relieved of those mis-takes. After some initial disrup-tion, you will feel liberated.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Aquarian inventor Thomas Edison owned 1,093 patents. Nicknamed “The Wizard of Menlo Park,” he devised the first practical electri-cal light bulb, the movie camera, the alkaline storage battery, and many more useful things. The cre-ation he loved best was the pho-nograph. It was the first machine in history that could record and reproduce sound. Edison bragged that no one else had ever made such a wonderful instrument. It was “absolutely original.” I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I think you’re due for an outbreak of absolute original-ity. What are the most unique gifts you have to offer? In addi-tion to those you already know about, new ones may be ready to emerge.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Here’s an experiment that makes good astrological sense for you to try in the coming weeks. Whenever you feel a tinge of frustration, imme-diately say, “I am an irrepressible source of power and freedom and love.” Anytime you notice a trace of inadequacy rising up in you, or a touch of blame, or a taste of anger, declare, “I am an irresistible magnet for power and freedom and love.” If you’re bothered by a

mistake you made, or a flash of ignorance expressed by another person, or a maddening glitch in the flow of the life force, stop what you’re doing, interrupt the irrita-tion, and proclaim, “I am awash in power and freedom and love.”

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Hap-piness sneaks through a door you didn’t know that you left open,” said actor John Barrymore. I hope you’ve left open a lot of those doors, Aries. The more there are, the happier you will be. This is the week of all weeks when joy, pleasure, and even zany bliss are likely to find their ways into your life from unexpected sources and unanticipated directions. If you’re lucky, you also have a few forgot-ten cracks and neglected gaps where fierce delights and crisp wonders can come wandering in.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): What state of mind do you desire the most? What is the quality of being that you aspire to inhabit more and more as you grow older? Maybe it’s the feeling of being deeply appreciated, or the ability to see things as they really are, or an intuitive wisdom about how to cultivate vibrant relationships. I invite you to set an intention to cultivate this singular experience with all your passion and ingenu-ity. The time is right. Make a pact with yourself.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Like Metallica jamming with Nicki Minaj and Death Cab for Cutie on a passage from Mozart’s opera The Magic Flute, you are redefin-ing the meanings of the words “hybrid,” “amalgam,” and “hodge-podge.” You’re mixing metaphors with panache. You’re building bridges with cheeky verve. Some of your blends are messy mish-mashes, but more often they are synergistic successes. With the power granted to me by the gods of mixing and matching, I hereby authorize you to keep splurging on the urge to merge. This is your special time to experiment with the magic of combining things that have rarely or never been combined.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I hope you can figure out the difference between the fake cure and the real cure. And once you know which is which, I hope you will do the right thing rather than the sentimental thing. For best results, keep these considerations in mind: The fake cure may taste sweeter than the real one. It may also be better packaged and more alluringly promoted. In fact, the only advantage the real cure may have over the fake one is that it will actually work to heal you.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): There’s a sinuous, serpentine quality about you these days. It’s as if you are the elegant and crafty hero of an epic

myth set in the ancient future. You are sweeter and saucier than usu-al, edgier and more extravagantly emotive. You are somehow both a repository of tantalizing secrets and a fount of arousing revela-tions. As I meditate on the magic you embody, I am reminded of a passage from Laini Taylor’s fantasy novel Daughter of Smoke & Bone: “She tastes like nectar and salt. Nectar and salt and apples. Pollen and stars and hinges. She tastes like fairy tales. Swan maiden at midnight. Cream on the tip of a fox’s tongue. She tastes like hope.”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I bought an old horoscope book at a garage sale for 25 cents. The cover was missing and some pag-es were water-damaged, so parts of it were hard to decipher. But the following passage jumped out at me: “In romantic matters, Virgos initially tend to be cool, even standoffish. Their perfec-tionism may interfere with their ability to follow through on prom-ising beginnings. But if they ever allow themselves to relax and go further, they will eventually ignite. And then, watch out! Their pas-sion will generate intense heat and light.” I suspect that this de-scription may apply to you in the coming weeks. Let’s hope you will trust your intuition about which possibilities warrant your caution and which deserve your opening.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “The se-cret of being a bore is to tell every-thing,” said French writer Voltaire. I agree, and add these thoughts: To tell everything also tempts you to wrongly imagine that you have everything completely figured out. Furthermore, it may compro-mise your leverage in dicey situa-tions where other people are us-ing information as a weapon. So the moral of the current story is this: Don’t tell everything! I realize this could be hard, since you are a good talker these days; your abil-ity to express yourself is at a peak. So what should you do? Whenev-er you speak, aim for quality over quantity. And always weave in a bit of mystery.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Ducks are the most unflappable creatures I know. Cats are often regarded as the top practitioners of the “I don’t give a f---” attitude, but I think ducks outshine them. When domestic felines exhibit their classic aloofness, there’s sometimes a subtext of annoy-ance or contempt. But ducks are consistently as imperturbable as Zen masters. Right now, as I gaze out my office window, I’m watch-ing five of them swim calmly, with easygoing nonchalance, against the swift current of the creek in the torrential rain. I invite you to be like ducks in the coming days. Now is an excellent time to prac-tice the high art of truly not giving a f---.

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Copyright © 2015 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0757

ACROSS1 Widescreen medium5 DJ Kool ___ (hip-hop pioneer born Clive Campbell)9 College football coach Amos Alonzo ___14 Blarney Stone land15 Like much family history16 Spanish citrus fruit17 “Author unknown” byline18 City south of Tel Aviv19 Adult insect stage20 Tribal carving depicting the audience for a kids’ show street?23 Part of TMZ24 More than just clean25 Storm warnings28 Macy Gray hit from the album “On How Life Is”29 “Cold Mountain” star Zellweger30 Amos with the album “Little Earthquakes”

31 Beach bucket35 “Look out, bad generic street, my show’s on the air!”38 Lindsay Lohan’s mom39 Hose problem40 Chair designer Charles41 Incandescent light bulb depiction (because I have yet to see a CFL bulb depict one)42 Philadelphia hockey team43 Follow-up to “That guy’s escaping!”47 “Buena Vista Social Club” setting48 Financial street represents a smell-related statute?53 Came to a close54 Nick Foles’s NFL team55 “Hawaii Five-O” setting56 Bothered constantly57 Bendable joint58 “JAG” spinoff with Mark Harmon59 Mozart’s “___ Alla Turca”

60 Lawn sign61 AcquiresDOWN1 ___ index2 “The Flintstones” pet3 Harness race pace4 Home to the world’s tallest waterfall5 Hulk and family6 Take out7 Completely destroy8 School excursion with a bus ride, perhaps9 Oscar the Grouch’s worm friend10 Kitchen noisemaker11 Big name in violins12 “Diary of a Madman” writer Nikolai13 $1,000 bill, slangily21 Device needed for Wi-Fi22 Heart chambers25 Street ___26 Jeans manufacturer Strauss

27 “Come ___!”28 Ancient Greek region30 Signs of a quick peel-out31 Just go with it32 “Paris, Je T’___” (2006 film)33 “Skinny Love” band Bon ___34 Word in an express checkout lane which annoys grammarians36 ___ Ababa, Ethiopia37 Nellie of toast fame41 “There was no choice”42 Sweated the details43 Go blue44 “So much,” on a musical score45 “Here we are as in ___ days ...”46 Respond to a charge47 Caravan member49 It means “one-billionth”50 Lingerie trim51 Take ___ (lose money)52 Chicken

Jonesin’ Crossword MATT JONES

“Two-Way Streets”—hey, look where you’re going!

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So the day of the shootings in San Bernardino, I watched the press clamor all over themselves p ro g n o s t i c at -ing that this was “clearly the

work of a white male Christian fun-damentalist.” Fox News, MSNBC, CNN…It was consistent and for once, it was fascinating to watch the actual facts unfold because the current media environment was a minefield of insta-bility and their chosen “experts” of the hour were all over the map, yet still speaking with great conviction. And, like the “Beltway Sniper” theories from the heady days of October 2002, they were all wrong.

Why? You could lay this at the feet of it being “an insane white guy theory” and still be able to survive if you were wrong and accordingly that’s where folk went. Being so very wrong is simply an inconvenience after the fact with such a theory, and that’s what happened, of course. So now we have moved on to the “the spoon is what made us fat” stage of things to further avoid the in-

convenient reality of who the killers really were, and the race to continue avoiding this is at full steam as I write this, and yes, I’m OK with that too. Who needs Islamophobia when you can talk “gun control” instead, as it’s being designated? Fair enough.

So the killers were Muslims with automatic weapons and pipe bombs and like the shock of Muhammad and Malvo, one was a female, defying both theories and stereotypes. The actual suspects in this case come from a rich background of the televised cutting off of folks’ heads, setting people on fire, rape and/or stoning but we don’t want to offend those who have similar (albeit clearly less violent) cultural ties and we’re now left with the righteous indignation of the tools they used to commit the majority of these 14 mur-ders (hence, blaming “the spoon” for making us fat).

In a televised speech regarding an-other shooting in Colorado Springs that left three dead, President Obama himself stated “enough is enough.” Repeated outbreaks of gun violence like this one (Colorado Springs) are “not normal” and we need to have a conversation about semi-automatic

weapons, he said. These weapons (aka “spoons”) were the problem.

Now as it happens eight people were killed and 20 were wounded over the Thanksgiving holiday in Chicago and this prompted no such response. The three killed in Colorado, however? Now that was “not normal.” Legisla-tion is what was needed and details were given for reassurance.

As it happens, the details given as to what would have legislatively pre-vented this tragedy were actually al-

ready in effect. The guns used in the San Bernardino shootings were legally purchased. The key suspect passed his background check, and these were done in a state where the president’s “new” proposals were already enacted, and none of these addressed what the FBI described as the “IED factory” in the suspects’ garage.

Legislation. Reassurance. “Con-trol.” I understand why these are be-ing pushed, but at some point simply repeating things and hyperbole is just not enough, and I think the Ameri-can people at both ends of the politi-cal spectrum are starting to pick up on this.

There are thousands of gun laws on the books nationally. That ship has pretty much sailed. We’re going to have to accept the fact that the problem isn’t a lack of legislation, or Republicans, or God help us, even the NRA. The gov-ernment is going to have to go door to door to pick up the millions of assault weapons in this country, or it’s going to have to address the small number of people actually committing or likely to commit these crimes…even if it of-fends them. Everything else is just a distraction between tragedies.

But what do I know? I’m not a legis-lator or a politician (aka: True Expert, apparently).

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrol-ling our fair city on the heels of the criminal ele-ment, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center

COLUMNON THE BEAT

Weapons of Mass Distraction

ALEX TEACH

Officer Alex has a meltdown about the media…again

“It was fascinating to watch the actual facts unfold because the current media environment was a minefield of instability and their chosen ‘experts’ of the hour were all over the map.”

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the pulse 12.50 » december 10, 2015

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