“THE [MISSING] PAT TILLMAN LEGACY” The Pat Tillman Foundation & the NFL’s Betrayal of Pat Tillman

Guy Montag @ feralfirefighter.blogspot.com

December 3, 2012 [Version 1.4; last updated March 19, 2014]

"Year one… It was really about … people honoring and remembering Pat Tillman. ... [Now] We're here

[2012 Pat’s Run] to honor those who have served and sacrificed for this nation … it's beyond Pat …

Tillman Military Scholars … continue the legacy of Pat Tillman by also creating their own legacy."

-- Hunter Riley, Director of Programs Pat Tillman Foundation

“I think they [the NFL] haven't gone out of their way to help; they've exploited Pat, just like the military.

… they have a beautiful statue to him at Cardinal Stadium.… They haven't really helped to try to find out

what happened to Pat. …It's like, "Okay, we had the jersey dedication, we did this, let's move on."

-- Mary Tillman (June 2008)

“…what should have been the dream story that cemented the marriage between the NFL and the US

Army, turned into a terrible tragedy and a mortifying embarrassment… when the Stealth Bomber roars

overhead before the game [Super Bowl 2009]… maybe people will remember that American sport's

connection with its armed forces is not all about glory… It's about secrets, lies and death, too.”

-- Oliver Holt, The Mirror (January 2009)

“It's a damn shame that Pat Tillman, killed by friendly fire in an Afghanistan mountain pass, the truth of

his death covered up by the Pentagon, tends to be used as a symbol for the exact opposite of what

he should be remembered for. But if anyone's allowed to claim and exploit him, I suppose it'd be the Sun

Devils.”

-- Barry Petchesky (“Deadspin” – September 6, 2013)

“Pat would have wanted to be remembered as an individual, not as a stock figure or political prop. Pat

was a real hero, not what they used him as.”

-- Mary Tillman (2004)

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Page #:

Foreword (& List of Updates) 3

Guy Montag’s Letter to Marie Tillman (December 3, 2012) 5

. . .

“The Marie Tillman Story” (from her March 25, 2011 Harvard Speech) 13

Interviews with Marie Tillman 16

Marie Tillman’s “Pat Tillman Story” (from her memoir “The Letter”) 22

Marie Tillman’s “[Untold] Pat Tillman Story 37

. . .

“Barely a Footnote” -- The NFL’s 2009 Super Bowl XLIII [& Pat Tillman] 44

“Salute to Service” -- NFL Honors Veterans & 2012 NFL-Tillman Military Scholar 51

“PT-42” – Arizona State University (ASU) Unveils Memorial “Tillman Tunnel” 55

The Pat Tillman Foundation’s “[Missing] Pat Tillman Legacy” 59

. . .

APPENDICES Page #

APPENDIX A: Notes From Marie Tillman’s 2011 Harvard Speech 64

APPENDIX B: Notes From Interviews with Marie Tillman 66

APPENDIX C: Notes From Marie’s Diane Rhem Show Interview (July 7, 2012) 72

APPENDIX D: Notes from Marie Tillman’s Memoir “The Letter” (June 26, 2012) 76

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FOREWORD

I’ll let my December 3, 2012 letter to Marie Tillman be my Foreword, at least for now.

I hadn’t intended to work on “The [Missing] Pat Tillman Legacy” until 2013 (I’ve been busy

trying to write my rebuttal to Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s memoir whose publication date was

recently moved up to January 7th

instead of March 17th). But just a few days ago I read a notice

that Marie and Jon Krakauer were going to talk about her book next week in Chicago. So I

decided to write her a letter and travel to Chicago to hand deliver it to her.

I’ve been working on my notes from her book on-and-off over the past five months. I’ve worked

on them a bit over the past few days, but this post is still very much a rough draft. Maybe I’ll

eventually make the time to polish my remarks, or not.

-- Guy Montag, November 30, 2012

. . .

UPDATE 3-31-13: On December 4, 2012 I handed a copy of my letter to Marie Tillman after a

presentation in Chicago. After getting my book signed, I had a pleasant short conversation with

Marie about my visit to the Bahai temple. But, I never received a response back from her.

Here’s the link to the audio recording: “Marie Tillman in Conversation with Jon Krakauer”

WBEZ91.5 http://www.wbez.org/series/chicago-amplified/marie-tillman-conversation-jon-

krakauer-104429 (My discussion with Krakauer starts at about 35:30)

On the other hand, Krakuaer signed my book, but he tried aggressively tried to BS me about how

I was wrong about “Jon Krakauer’s Credibility Problem.” His outrage appeared so sincere that

he almost succeeded (in my rush to finish this post I hadn’t prepared to confront him about it and

didn’t have my hardcopy with me). Maybe he believes his own BS. He almost convinced me,

until I double-checked my work and hunted down the NPR Diane Rhem Show recording

(September 16, 2009) from the day before my Aunt handed him my material (same stuff he said

before; he changed his tune after getting my material). He appears to be a shameless, bullying

bullshit artist.

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LIST OF UPDATES

Version 1.1 (March 24, 2013: Added sub-title to Title Page, added photo of Tillman tribute at

the NFL HQ, added link in Foreword to audio of December 4, 2012 presentation by Jon

Krakauer and Marie Tillman in Chicago.

Version 1.2 (Memorial Day – May 27, 2013): Added photo of Pat Tillman exhibit in the “Pro

Football and the American Spirit: The NFL and the U.S. Armed Forces” from the Pro Football

Hall of Fame museum.

Version 1.3 (September 24, 2013): Added PT statue photo to title page; ASU photos of

Tillman Tunnel & Kevin Tillman, & quotes & discussion.

. . .

Version 1.4 (February 23, 2014): Added quotes from Mary Tillman’s from David Zirin’s

piece, “The Super Bowl’s Military Fables” (February 2, 2014 “The Nation about “The

Budweiser Ad That Made You Cry During The Super Bowl” and from Tom Ziller in his piece,

“Why NFL players reciting the Declaration of Independence before the Super Bowl is weird”

(SB Nation, February 2, 2014).

.

Version 1.5 (March 19, 2014): On pp. 49 & 61, added criticism about Pat & Kevin Army photo

used to promote 2014 Pat’s Run. Mary Tillman said, “Many young men join the military in order

to get that feeling of belonging, that feeling of brotherhood. It is irresponsible to try to entice

young people into military service with subliminal messages.”

Version 1.6 (****): Need to add quotes from Ben Fountain’s book, “Billy Lynn’s Long Half-

Time Walk.” Winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award for Fiction and a finalist for the

National Book Award. “It explores the gaping national disconnect between the war at home and

the war abroad. … follows the surviving members of the heroic Bravo Squad through one

exhausting stop in their media-intensive "Victory Tour" at Texas Stadium, “ Brief reference to

Pat Tillman. Hilarious, spot-on commentary.

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GUY MONTAG’S LETTER TO MARIE TILLMAN (December 3, 2012)

Marie Tillman,

Thanks for writing your book, “The Letter: My Journey Through Love, Loss & Life.” I found it

to be an honest & heartfelt memoir and a worthy complement to the books “Boots on the Ground

by Dusk” & “Where Men Win Glory.” I especially appreciate your portrayal of Pat as a “gentle

soul” to whom the word honor “meant the world.”

In my 47 years of life, I’ve yet to suffer the loss of a loved one. Although I spent eight years as

an Airborne Ranger LRRP, and the past twenty-one years as a firefighter, my closest brush with

mortality was when I was diagnosed with cancer (I was 36 years old and my daughter was just a

3-month old baby). I’ve only read two other “bereavement” memoirs: Lisa Niemi Swayze’s

“Worth Fighting For: Love, Loss, and Moving Forward” (about Pat Swayze’s battle with

cancer) and Michael Hasting’s “I Lost My Love in Baghdad” (his account of flying back to the

States beside her casket is haunting).

In April 2004, I believed Pat Tillman was a blindly patriotic “dumb jock.” I avoided watching

his memorial service that seemed to be a distraction from the news and images of Abu Ghraib.

However, in October 2005, after reading David Zirin’s profile, “Our Hero,” I was pulled into the

“periphery of his orbit.” I learned that Pat was a remarkable man with a core of honesty &

integrity, who led by personal example, and lived his life intensely. His iconoclastic reality was

much deeper than that of the patriotic icon portrayed by the press. Like Stan Goff, I felt a sense

of kinship with him.

Shortly afterwards, I wrote a letter to the editor of my newspaper, “… I was angered the truth

about Pat’s life and death had been buried by the media and government. Tillman was enshrined

as an icon while the man fell by the wayside… Pat Tillman, never at a loss for words himself, is

now silent. Of the many tragic aspects surrounding his death, one is that he cannot define his

own legacy. Now, it’s up to his family and friends to reclaim the truth and integrity of Pat’s life

and death.”

Since then, I’ve continued to follow the twists and turns of the Tillman story. You wrote how

your battle for truth and accountability ended in August 2007. After the “mockery” of the

second Congressional hearing, you made the choice “to move forward” with your life (“It ends

here”). Amir Bar-Lev also ended his film, “The Tillman Story,” with that hearing (as did Mary

Tillman & Jon Krakauer in their books). However, in 2008 I discovered “The [Untold] Tillman

Story” actually began during that last hearing (and will probably end with the January 2013

publication of Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s memoir).

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In February 2008, I was pulled entirely into the orbit of the Pat Tillman story after Mary Tillman

called me on the phone. Her call motivated me to write Senator James Webb to ask for his help

with her battle for the truth. But, in May 2009 after President Obama nominated Gen. Stanley

McChrystal to command the Afghan War, I finally realized Senator Webb had instead helped

whitewash Gen. McChrystal’s key role in the cover-up of Pat Tillman’s friendly-fire death. I

had stumbled upon “The [Untold] Tillman Story.”

That is, the Bush administration handed off their whitewash to the Democratic Congress. In

2007, Waxman’s Committee pretended to investigate, while in reality they shielded Gen.

McChrystal from public scrutiny (Waxman allowed Gen. McChrystal to “decline” to appear

despite being on the witness list). During McChrystal’s 2008 and 2009 confirmation hearings,

the Senate (particularly Senators McCain, Webb, and Levin) continued the McChrystal

whitewash. Finally, in 2011 President Obama appointed him, despite Mary Tillman’s objections,

to head “Joining Forces” (Michelle Obama said “we’re proud to have him on board” and the

White House said, “General McChrystal was found to have acted honorably despite the fact that

this tragedy was mishandled”).

Over the past four years, I’ve documented “The [Untold] Tillman Story” at http://www

.feralfirefighter.blogspot.com. No one else, including Jon Krakauer, has written about it (even

after I handed Krakauer my research in 2009, he failed to tell this story, although he used my

research without attribution to extensively revise his paperback edition).

[. . . Mary Tillman conversation omitted …]

Unfortunately, this old general just won’t fade away. McChrystal’s memoir, “My Share of The

Task,” will be released on January 7, 2013. My last project will be my rebuttal of his memoir.

Then, it’ll finally be time for me to stop “googling” “Pat Tillman” each day, to box up my

Tillman files, and put them in my basement (“It ends here”).

Seven years ago I wrote, “Of the many tragic aspects surrounding his death, one is that he cannot

define his own legacy. Now, it’s up to his family and friends to reclaim the truth and integrity of

Pat’s life and death.” By telling the “The [Untold] Tillman Story,” I’ve tried to follow my own

sense of integrity & loyalty, my “internal compass,” and to do “my share of the task” to reclaim

the truth of Pat Tillman’s legacy.

. . .

In your book, “The Letter,” you’ve portrayed Pat Tillman as the “flesh-and-blood man” known

to his family and friends; as a curious iconoclast whose “imposing exterior masked the most

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gentle soul” and to whom honesty, honor, and integrity “meant the world to him.” Your memoir

has helped reclaim the complex truth of Pat’s life and death from the media’s simple portrayal of

him as an icon of patriotic sacrifice.

Your book described “The Tillman Story” from your intimate perspective. You wrote how Pat’s

“family ingrained in Pat the honor of serving in the military.” You explained how his decision

to join the Army was driven by his “internal compass” (his core sense of honor, honesty, and

integrity) that pointed his life to a larger calling.

But Pat’s opposition to the Iraq war dampened his enthusiasm for military service (“a war he

didn’t believe in” … “felt it was illegal and unjust”… “I don’t think our role there is virtuous at

all” … “the ‘cause’… I deluded myself into believing I was standing for. I’m a fool. How I

managed to find a way out of our perfect existence is incredible!”).

You briefly described the Army and Bush administration’s “shameful cover-up” of Pat’s

friendly-fire death in Afghanistan (“The war was going badly when he died – very badly. ... Pat’s

memorial [service] – it would serve the public relations arm of the war effort very nicely … a

shameful cover-up had taken place… became clear that if the military hadn’t felt it impossible to

cover up, we never would have learned that Pat’s death was a fratricide.” You wrote, “Pat’s

family and I decided to… seek resolution about how Pat had died and why we hadn’t been told

the truth from the beginning.”

You described how the Army and government’s treatment of you and rest of the Tillman family

“felt like such a betrayal” and short-circuited your grieving process (“once you’ve been lied to,

you start to think no one’s telling the truth… complicated grief, you have trouble accepting the

death and resuming your own life”).

And finally, you wrote how the Democratic Congressional hearings failed [in Kevin’s words] to

“uncover who is responsible for his death, who lied and who covered it up, and who instigated

those lies” (“The final hearing was an outrage. … Bullshit! ... I couldn’t believe this was where

all Dannie’s hard work …investigations and energy, had led us. It was a mockery, and I was

furious. … I didn't feel like in the end there was much accountability that was accomplished”).

However, the Pat Tillman Foundation (PTF) only describes “The Tillman Story” as: [Pat] left

behind an NFL career to serve his country.” … so moved by the tragedy of 9/11 that he walked

away from his multimillion-dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals to become a U.S. Army

Ranger … killed in the line of duty in Afghanistan in 2004.”

. . .

What! That’s it! Somehow the Foundation that bears his name doesn’t tell “The Tillman Story”

any more truthfully than the media’s simple portrayal of him as an icon of patriotic sacrifice!

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The Foundation’s “Pat’s Legacy” doesn’t mention any of the inconvenient, controversial truths

you’ve described in your book (e.g. his opposition to the Iraq war, his friendly-fire death, the

Army’s shameful cover-up and mistreatment of the Tillman family, the whitewashed Army

“investigations,” nor the mockery of the Congressional hearings).

George Orwell wrote, “The most powerful form of lie is the omission, and it is the duty of the

historian to make sure those lies do not creep into the history books.” The PTF has buried the

complex truths of Pat Tillman (and his story). I believe the PTF has “hijacked his virtue and

legacy” by reducing Pat Tillman to a simple icon of heroic patriotic sacrifice (particularly in the

Arizona Cardinals’s “PTF 9/11 Generation Fundraiser” video). Pat Tillman’s name (and #40/42)

has been used as a fundraising tool, to glorify military service, and to promote thoughtless

patriotism at NFL football games.

But isn’t being exploited as a propaganda tool (even for a good cause) precisely what Pat

Tillman refused to do while alive? (”Pat had become an icon… He knew the press would make

him a symbol and he didn’t want that when the truth was much more nuanced). In 2004, when

asked by Doug Tammaro to put a picture of Tillman wearing his military uniform in the ASU’s

football team's media guide, "He said, 'No, no, I don't want that.'"

Seven years ago I wrote, “Of the many tragic aspects surrounding his death, one is that he cannot

define his own legacy. Now, it’s up to his family and friends to reclaim the truth and integrity of

Pat’s life and death.” I believe we should honor Pat Tillman’s legacy by honoring the man, not

the myth. The iconoclast, not the icon. As his mother Mary said, “Pat would have wanted to be

remembered as an individual, not as a stock figure or political prop. Pat was a real hero, not

what they used him as.”

In your book you’ve told the complex truth of Pat’s life and death and helped reclaim the flesh-

and-blood man from the patriotic icon painted by the media. Why can’t the Pat Tillman

Foundation also tell the complex truths of Pat’s Legacy? (something like: tragic friendly-fire

death, shameful cover-up by Army caused complicated grief for family, whitewashed

investigations. … System failed Tillman family, our country needs to take better care of other

veterans and their families and help them to rebuild their lives …).

Portraying Pat’s Legacy as a patriotic fable (with the lies of omission) dishonors his memory.

Pat lived his life with honesty and integrity. I believe the least the Pat Tillman Foundation (and

the NFL) could do in return is to portray Pat’s Legacy with the same honesty and integrity with

which he lived his life.

. . .

In your book, “The Letter,” you extolled the value of military service (“something that people

should value and take pride in … its great purpose and potential… sense of values and character

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in the men and woman who volunteered to serve… I had been proud of him, and I was now

proud of them. … reminded me of what had been at the core of Pat’s decision to serve). During

your USO trip to Afghanistan, you sat by a soldier for breakfast. You wrote that you “wanted to

instill in this soldier the same confidence that as hard as it was, he was doing a great thing.”

“…doing a great thing.” Really? Instead, I believe the lives of the “9/11 generation” have been

wasted in the Iraq & Afghan wars of the past decade. Thousands of young soldiers have been

killed, wounded, and or suffer from TBI’s & PSTD. For nothing. As Michael Hastings wrote in

his book, “The Operators,” “We’d been fighting the wrong war, in the wrong way, in the wrong

country” (my post “Something to Die For” adds my annotations to his book about the Afghan

War and his road trip with Gen. McChrystal).

Seven years ago, the Afghan War was just an abstraction to me. Now, my step-brother, an Army

Colonel, just returned from his hopeless task of trying to train the Afghan police. His boy (a

new-born baby when I crashed at his place at Ft. Benning after graduating from Ranger School

in ’85) is “young and dumb” (as I was then) and joined the Infantry. He’s now deployed with a

Stryker unit from Fort McChord in Kandahar province (I talked to him after he returned from

patrol on Thanksgiving Day). I pray he doesn’t become another statistic. “The wrong war, in

the wrong way, in the wrong country” has now become personal to me.

I believe the Pat Tillman story can be viewed as a metaphor for the 9/11 generation. Like others,

after 9/11 he “answered the call to service.” However, the “reality” of his service didn’t match

his ideals (“felt it was illegal and unjust”… “I don’t think our role there is virtuous at all”).

Tillman didn’t die heroically sacrificing himself to save his comrades (after senseless orders to

split his platoon and get “boots on the ground” he was killed by his mates in a FUBAR minor

ambush in a strategically botched war). Afterwards, the Army and our government betrayed him

and his family (just as many returning veterans and their families haven’t gotten the proper

support to help them rebuild their lives).

You’ve said, “Pat’s childhood was full of stories of service and sacrifice, his family ingrained in

him the honor of serving in the military.” However, Mary Tillman wrote, “My sons were

influenced by these stories… [my father] and I had been at odds over Vietnam. …The senseless

destruction, loss of life, and government deception clashed with his belief that ours is a righteous

country. Would he [her father] have encouraged Pat and Kevin? Or would he have feared … that

our family had glamorized the honor of military service?”

. . .

Both you and Kevin [in his 2006 Truthdig essay “After Pat’s Birthday”] wrote that Pat

understood that soldiers lose their public voice after they sign up for the military and said, “I read

up on what going on politically, now these decisions were personally affecting me. But

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everybody was really apathetic and not engaged. … far from feeling I needed to be loyal, I felt

… I needed to remind removed decision makers that there were flesh-and-blood individuals’

lives at stake.” I agree with you that we ought to be more engaged with the decisions our

government makes about war; blind patriotic support, slapping a ribbon on your car isn’t enough.

You wrote how you even considered joining an antiwar protest in 2003, “Once, after Pat and

Kevin had left, I was driving home and I passed an antiwar protest outside Fort Lewis. I was

struck by a protester who identified herself as the mother of a soldier. Could I stand with her? I

wanted to … I fully felt you could support the troops and yet not the military actions. … But at

this point in time, the antiwar platform was raw, shaky ground to stand on. Pat was already

treated differently… I didn’t want to make it worse for him. I drove past and went home.”

In my 2008 letter to Mary Tillman I wrote, “When I was “young and dumb” I joined an Airborne

Ranger Long-Range Recon (LRRP) unit. … I was 17 years old when I enlisted. I grew up in the

Army, enjoyed the challenges, and being with the guys. But, the lies of the first Gulf War were

the last straw for me. I no longer wanted to be in what Donald Duncan [Special Forces LRRP,

one of the first veterans to protest Vietnam] called “The New Legions”]. A slave who would be

told who to kill for oil or other ‘national interests.’” I didn’t re-enlist for the third time, instead I

chose to spend my life doing something more worthwhile (being a firefighter has worked for

me).

You’ve written that Pat Tillman also had second-thoughts about his decision to enlist in the

Army (“He wondered if he could have contributed to the cause in another way”). If he had the

chance to do it again, do you believe Pat Tillman would have enlisted? Or encourage others to

seek “the honor of military service”? You quoted his letter from Iraq, “the ‘cause’ … I deluded

myself into believing I was standing for. I’m a fool. How I managed to find a way out of our

perfect existence is incredible.”

During your Harvard speech you said, “When you sign up and decide to serve, you give your

lives up to the American people and politicians. What we needed was for them to not needlessly

put their lives in harm’s way.” I agree with you. As Senator James Webb wrote in his novel,

“Something to Die For,” Having spent three years watching the Wizards of Oz in Washington,

he stayed up nights wondering about the uses to which they would be put. “… it’s going to cost

us. And I’d like to be able to tell my men that the price they’re going to pay is worth it. That it’s

important to the country. Vital. Something to die for.”

. . .

I believe “The Tillman Story” can be viewed as a metaphor [Army has just closed FOB Tillman]

for the betrayal of the other thousands of patriotic young soldiers whose lives have been wasted

over the past decade in our failed wars. I believe we should remember “Pat’s Legacy” as a

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cautionary tale, not as a patriotic fable. We should remember that the “… armed forces is not all

about glory. It's about secrets, lies and death, too.” Before blindly “answering the call to serve”

I believe both soldiers and citizens should first question the call to serve (and consider other

ways to serve a larger calling) and not blindly follow our politicians and generals.

I doubt Pat Tillman would approve of how the Pat Tillman Foundation (and the NFL) has buried

the complex truths of his life & death and reduced him to being a symbolic icon of heroic

patriotic sacrifice. Instead, I believe we should honor Pat Tillman’s legacy by honoring the

man, not the myth. The iconoclast, not the icon (his mother Mary said, “Pat would have wanted

to be remembered as an individual, not as a stock figure or political prop. Pat was a real hero,

not what they used him as”). Portraying Pat’s Legacy as a patriotic fable dishonors his memory.

Pat lived his life with honesty and integrity. I believe the least the Pat Tillman Foundation (and

the NFL) can do in return is to portray Pat’s Legacy with the same honesty and integrity with

which he lived his life.

However, I believe that Pat Tillman would be proud that you’ve listened to his words in “The

Letter” and moved on without him to make your own life. As you’ve pointed out, it’s easy to get

stuck in bitterness and anger. For example, the parents of Rachel Corrie are still tied up in the

Israel courts ten years after the death of their daughter [Rachel was Pat’s hero: Mary wrote,

“…his special keepsakes displayed in the dining room hutch…I find a small newspaper

…“Who’s this?” [asks Mary]. “That’s my hero,” Pat said. “She was a stud; she had a lot of

guts”].

Unfortunately, Mary Tillman still hasn’t yet reached “closure” eight years after her betrayal by

our government. And perhaps I’ve also been stuck in anger & bitterness, although I’d hope I’ve

acted out my sense of integrity and loyalty to Pat Tillman.

And, I believe Pat Tillman would be proud that you’re spending your life for a cause larger than

yourself. He would probably agree with The Pat Tillman Foundation’s work advocating for

returning veterans and providing scholarships (although given his iconoclastic nature, perhaps he

would want to support other “beautiful souls” [see Eyal Press’s “Beautiful Souls” – Saying No,

Breaking Ranks, and Heeding the Voice of Conscience in Dark Times] who have also acted out

of their sense of integrity).

. . .

Finally, I’ve one request to ask of you. Would you consider getting in touch with Carl Prine?

He’s a veteran (and PTF Facebook “fan”) who might appreciate a word from you (and perhaps

advocacy/assistance from the PTF). Carl’s an ex-Marine who re-enlisted at age 37 in the Army

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reserve and did a 2005 tour in Iraq (he suffered TBI’s from multiple IED blasts in the Anbar

province of Iraq; he’s mentioned in Owen West’s book “The Snake Eaters”). Carl is an

investigative reporter (specializing in military and veterans issues) for the Pittsburgh Tribune-

Review. He also wrote the blog ”Line of Departure”, but had to quit this summer after disabling

migraines from his TBI’s returned in full force.

Kelly Vahlos wrote a touching tribute to him, “Carl Prine’s Line of Departure” (7-11-12). She

wrote that he is “one of the good guys, a veteran who obviously loves the military for what it

could be and loathes it for what it has been used for… But he’s always consistent when it counts

— in his loyalty to the rank and file and exposing the corruption of power. And that makes him

tops with me … because there aren’t a lot of veteran-journalist-critics with his talent willing to

write the things he does.”

Sincerely,

****** (aka “Guy Montag”

SGT, Co. “F” (Ranger) 425th

Infantry MI ARNG, 1983 – 1991

Firefighter, 1991 – Present

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“THE MARIE TILLMAN STORY”

In 2003, Pat Tillman, serving in the US Army, hastily wrote a "just in case" letter to his wife, Marie.

When he returned on leave before his departure to Afghanistan, he placed the letter on top of their

bedroom dresser. For months it sat there, sealed and ever-present, like a black hole through which Marie

knew her stable life would be pulled if she ever had reason to open it. Then, in April 2004, Marie's worst

nightmare came true. In the days following his death, it was Pat's letter that kept her going and, more than

that, it was his words that would help her learn to navigate a world she could no longer share with her

husband.

In The Letter, Marie's talks for the first time about her journey to remake her life after Pat's death. … She

describes how she withdrew from the public spotlight to grieve, learning along the way the value of

solitude, self-awareness and integrity in the healing process. And, finally, Marie recounts her work to

rebuild her life, including founding The Pat Tillman Foundation, an organization established to carry forth

Pat's legacy of leadership, and her decision to step back into the public eye in order to inspire people to

live with meaning and purpose.

-- from Amazon book description of The Letter (released June 26, 2012)

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“The Marie Tillman Story” (From her March 25, 2011 Harvard University speech)

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w60HHgBXpbU&feature=player_embedded

Note: The following quotes are taken from a speech Marie Tillman gave at Harvard on March 25, 2011.

My transcription of her quotes from the You Tube clip may not be complete or fully accurate and have

been slightly edited for readability. Her speech largely parallels the contents of her memoir, “The Letter,”

released the following year in July 2012.

. . .

“Pat’s childhood was full of stories of service and sacrifice, his family ingrained in him the

honor of serving in the military, a lot of his family members served in the military.”

“When 9/11 happened, we took a step back and we said this is something important, something

we wanted to participate in a much more meaningful way. Pat felt that calling to serve, so he

decided to join the Army.”… “It was the first time that I felt our lives were part of something

bigger, focused on something greater than the individual, and we became part of the military

family. I liked that feeling of being part of something that was greater than we were and focused

on contributing to the greater good.”

“In 2003, Pat deployed to Iraq. He came back home safely. It was a big wake-up call, the

realization that the ideals for which he had joined, there was a reality to that. He came back

sobered from his experience. But he still believed in the reasons why he joined, what this was

country built upon, freedom and equality and democracy.

I read up on what going on politically, now these decisions were personally affecting me. But

everybody was really apathetic and not engaged. When we joined the Army we were happy and

proud to be part of a military family, but we didn’t know then what that meant.” … “When you

sign up and decide to serve, you give your lives up to the American people and politicians. What

we needed was for them to not needlessly put their lives in harm’s way.”

“In 2004, Pat deployed to Afghanistan. But, he didn’t come back safely this time. In the fog of

my grief, I had some clarity, I had the realization that life is short, and I wanted mine to matter,

and I wanted to continue this journey of service we had started together. I wanted to make sure

that my time I had left was used for something good; he was gone, but I was still here.”

“This “clarity” lasted about a month or so. Then I learned that he was actually killed by

fratricide. Then, there ensued many years of lies and investigations and I really got lost, caught

up in own grief, and the fight to fight out what had happened. I didn’t have any energy to try to

change the world.” … “I moved to New York City and worked for ESPN. I threw myself into

work; but it was a soulless job.”

“About three years later, after the investigations were gone, and things had settled down a bit, I

moved to California. What was I going to do with my life? One bright spot, the Pat Tillman

Foundation (PTF), had set up a scholarship program at ASU.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

15

“In 2007, I quit my job and traveled to South America. I thought about the big questions. I tried

to think about a time when I was really happy. What came to me was I remembered when Pat

had joined the Army, and how happy we were to be part of the military family, and part of

something bigger, and I wanted to get back to that place.

I remembered two brothers who had served in Iraq as Marines were among the first PTF

scholars, and they felt that ASU was disconnected and apathetic toward them. Maybe the PTF

could help them get their education and continue their service back home, and also help the

campus community understand what veterans had been through, and that their experience was

valuable and worthwhile and should be honored.”

“I came back rejuvenated. PTP was started as a memorial organization and was focused around

Pat’s death and remembering that and celebrating that. I wanted to build from that, turn PTF into

organization impactful, and more about the lives of these young people that come home, and to

honor Pat’s life by honoring these men and woman. I refocused the mission of PTF to support

veterans and their family members.”

“In 2008, I started the Tillman Military Scholars program. It was the next chapter in my journey

of service. When times are difficult, I look to something Pat had written when he had decided to

join the Army. “4/8/02: Decision”… I agree with Pat. This road of service has made my life

more “meaningful, full, and richer.” I’m glad that though I lost my way many times, that I found

my way back to the journey we started together. The Pat Tillman Foundation helps honor him

and the life that he led, but it also honors the young veterans that come home, and I’m happy be

able to help this young generation of veterans.”

. . .

Pat’s life and death overshadow PTF. How do you separate from controversy and get people to

focus on your goals for PTF?

“It’s hard sometimes. I have learned to try to steer the conversation in the direction I want to go;

Pat’s story is hi-profile but it is an opportunity to tell the story of others who have served, and

steer it back to the work of the Foundation.” … “The PTF’s work is not about Pat. It’s about

veterans, to help them with education, much more forward looking than looking to the past.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

16

INTERVIEWS WITH MARIE TILLMAN Note: The following quotes are taken from 2012 news articles & interviews with Marie Tillman.

The “questions” are bold-faced and Marie’s responses’ are italicized. For the purposes of

readability, quotes from different articles/interviews have sometimes been edited or merged

together. For full quotes and links to the original sources, see Appendix A.

. . .

Today, on April 21st, more than 35,000 people will participate in Pat's Run at ASU… Marie

said Pat's Run has grown to represent something much more important than one man's

legacy:

"Pat's Run really speaks to, not just the spirit of Pat, but also to the spirit of the military

community and how they come together” … "I think people see it (Pat's Run) as a way to thank

every soldier and their family.”

The Pat Tillman Foundation now awards educational scholarships to military veterans.

However, when the foundation began, the scholarships were open to any student, not just

veterans. It just so happened, Marie said, that two brothers who had served in the Marines

were awarded scholarships to attend ASU:

"We realized, partly through these brothers, that there was a real need to help with the transition

(for veterans returning from service).”… "For us as Americans to give back to every man and

woman who served their country, to help them as they transition, is one of the most important

things we can do as a country.” … "It’s a continuation of service in and out of the uniform"

“The book [‘The Letter’] was certainly never something that I really set out to do. And, now

eight years later, I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to do the work that I do. We focus on

veterans and their spouses and provide educational scholarships for them.”

“And it's one of those things that I had such a great experience with many of the people in the

military in the community that surrounds it and, I think there's so much value in service and the

people who serve our country. And so now for us to be able to give back to that community and

help them come home and transition and get an education and then move forward in their lives

and continue to be leaders in their communities is really, really a great thing for me.”

“The Pat Tillman Foundation’s work is not about Pat. It’s about veterans, to help them with

their education; it is much more forward looking than looking to the past.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

17

Why do you think Pat felt compelled to leave his career with the NFL and join the Army in

2002?

“A lot of people were talking about, 'I should do this' or 'We should do this as a country.’ But

Pat was never one to sit around and talk--he was one to take action. That’s what I loved about

him.”… “He was definitely one of those people who felt like, you know, if there's something you

believe in or something you see is wrong in the world, that you should stand up and try and do

something about it.”

“It was something that I was definitely supportive of. I think I was probably a little bit naive as

well. Certainly, the events from September 11 had an impact on me as well. And you know, it

was really something that we believed was the right thing to do at the time and we felt sort of

joined in this journey to have him join the military and be a part of what was going on in this

country at the time.”

Pat’s first deployment was to Iraq. What did he think about the war in Iraq?

“You know, he definitely had misgivings about the war in Iraq and I think that being deployed

and being over there was difficult for him. When he had made the decision to join the army after

September 11, it was a different situation. We weren't in Iraq yet.”

You write that there was a point where you were driving … and you saw an anti-war

demonstration and you thought about joining it yourself.

“What I really realized at that time is how important it is to be engaged and be involved and

stand up for what you think and feel is going on and that when the men and women who serve

our country decide to do so, they are signing over their lives. They are putting their lives in the

hands of the American people and the government that's making decisions on where they'll go.”

I gather from your book that five weeks after his death, when you were finally informed he

was killed by friendly-fire, was the first time you realized something was up?

“In the beginning, we tried to give the Army the benefit of the doubt. Information that was

originally given to us was not accurate, but there was an investigation going on and trying to

sort of see that process through.”

“I think that in a situation like that, when you’re told one thing, and then find out that that

wasn’t the case, you start to question everything and certainly there were documents that seemed

to not make sense and it was a very difficult time and a time that I spent a lot of time focused on

trying to figure out what really happened.” … “To hear the way I thought he had been killed was

totally different from the way he had actually been killed really sort of set me back and made me

question everything, you know, even question if he was actually gone.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

18

Is it clear that the Army tried to misrepresent the circumstances of Pat's death?

“Yeah, I think that if you had followed any of the investigations and all, it is clear that there was

certainly an attempt to hide information.”

Note: Usually, Marie avoids discussing the “controversial” cover-up of Pat’s friendly-

fire death. Instead, she prefers to “steer the conversation in the direction I want to go.”

During an earlier interview on the “Today” show with Jenna Bush [daughter of President

Bush], Marie chose to side-step the controversy:

[Jenna Bush:] A Department of Defense Inspector General report [3/2007] ultimately

found, although there were critical errors by the military in its reporting of Pat's death,

there was no deliberate cover-up. You were part of a story where they used words like

cover-up, deceit. How do you reconcile that today?

"I got bogged down in the circumstances surrounding his death. But I realized I couldn’t

live like that. I had to find a peaceful place." … “You know, I think that for me, in order

to move forward, I realized I had a choice. I could, you know, remain angry and full of

hate and sort of bitter, or I could find a way to put all of those things in a place that I

could deal with them and move forward in a positive way.”

“No deliberate cover-up”? What BS! Instead of dodging the question, perhaps Marie

could have responded, as she did in her NPR interview, that there was a cover-up and

suggest that Jenna ask her father about the truth of the matter. He would know.

And do you think that there's been accountability now?

“The [2007 Congressional] hearings were a low point—that feeling of being powerless over the

situation“ … “To sit in the hearings and see it all unfold in a way that we still weren’t able to

get any sense of the truth or accountability for what had happened. There was definitely this

huge sense of frustration and a feeling that there were forces at work that were much greater

than we were equipped to fight.”

“That was an extremely frustrating time for all of us and to put so much time and energy into the

hearings and investigations and all of that, and it really went on for years. It felt like after that

second Congressional hearing [August 2007] I really came to a point where I realized I had to

make a decision: I could continue to focus on that and continue to fight it or I could figure out a

way to put it all in the right place for me in my life and move forward.”

“I didn't feel like in the end there was much accountability that was accomplished. But again, I

just came to a point in my life where I felt like I needed to move past that and I needed to move

forward. And really this book is much more about my journey and how you deal with the grief.

You know for anybody who has lost someone.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

19

Pat Tillman had such a perfect moral compass, don't you feel betrayed by the government

who lied about the way he died until they were caught up on it? Do you feel not at all bitter

now about the misrepresentation of his death?

“Yeah … I certainly I spent many years very angry about what happened to him and the way that

things played out. But for me I knew that in order for me to really honor his life, and to move

forward with mine in the way that he wanted me to, I had to be able to let some of that go and

move forward in a positive way.”

“You know, it's really not something that I focus on. My focus is on the work that I do every day

with the Foundation and the veterans and their spouses that are coming home. … on what are

the positive things that I can bring into the world.”

Have you ever had an apology from the Army? Would you like to have an apology?

“No, I've never seen an apology.” … “You know, at this point in time, to me it's a little too little

too late. You know, certainly I've come to terms with what has happened and chosen to move

forward in my life. And really that's what this book is about. It's how do you put your life back

together. How do you find the light in the little things -- in the every day -- and really find a

sense of peace and happiness to move forward.”

You sound like you don't have any bitterness in you. But there are citizens like myself who

are still very angry at the military and especially General McChrystal for his cover up. He

knew it was not a true story and he used it as a recruiting tool and I just think it's

abominable. He never paid a direct price for that dishonesty to the American public and to

Pat Tillman.

“I think that there are a lot of people that feel that way and it is difficult to not become bitter and

to not be angry and to find a way to make something positive out of all of this. But for me, that

was just a choice I knew that I had to make in order to move forward.”

We have a … email from Guy [Montag] who writes that President Obama appointed

General McChrystal to head the advisory board for the Joining Forces program, despite

his role in the cover up of your husband's friendly fire death. And he notes that Pat's

mother, Mary, called that a slap in the face to appoint this man. Guy asked, have you ever

spoken to General McChrystal about his role?

“No, I haven't.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

20

Some have wondered about your focus on supporting the military when your husband had

come to question America’s involvement in the Iraq war and your mother-in-law spent

years battling the Pentagon to uncover the truth behind Pat’s death. You recount meeting

the soldier who issued the “fire” order that resulted in Pat’s death. You’ve forgiven him,

but have you forgiven the military?

“That’s such a tricky question. I look at what happened and know that fingers can be pointed in

a variety of directions. But the military is made up of individuals, the majority of whom are

amazing, wonderful, hardworking, ethical people … that have served their country and come

home and want to continue their education and go on to do great things in their lives.”…"With

any organization, there are things that happen. Certainly there was reason for us to be upset.”

… “I have realized that the individuals that make up the military are not where my anger and

frustration were directed. So some people find it a little bit interesting that I have chosen to do

the work that I do, but it was also the young men and women that served, and that I had a chance

to get to know when Pat enlisted, that are what makes our servicemen and women so great”

This idea of forgiveness, of being able to move on, how did you manage that because, of

course, some people never in circumstances like this or other tragedies are never able to do

that. How were you able to do it?

“It was something that I worked on a lot. And, when I go back to Pat and I go back to the letter

that he left for me and I think about what it was that he wished for me in my life, I just knew that

to hold onto the anger and become bitter and to really focus on all of those things I wouldn't be

able to move forward in my life and honor his last wish. And really honor him in the way that he

lived his life. And that's what I try to do every day.”

“I really got to a point where I realized that if I stayed focused on the anger and the frustration

and all of the negative emotions, that there was no way that I could move forward in my life in a

way that I felt was truly honoring Pat’s life and the life we had together.”… “I just decided I

wouldn’t let the experience shape my life in a negative way—that I would live as Pat had asked

me to in his final letter and stay open to life. Going about things with that attitude allowed all

these wonderful things to come into my life.”

“I had to get to a point where I could … be able to give back to a community that had given so

much to me. To be able to help them [Tillman Military Scholars] is something that has been

gratifying for me, to see the impact we can have on individual lives.”

Do you think Pat would be proud of the work of the Foundation?

“I hope that he would. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity to do the work I do in his

memory. To be able to do such great things for people—it’s an honor.” … “I hope that he would

be proud of the things that I have done and the way that I have tried to keep the spirit of how he

lived his life alive.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

21

Is it fair to say that you’re uncomfortable with putting Pat on a pedestal or do you just

want to drive home his humanity rather than put him in a god-like position?

“It is important to me to highlight his humanity, and I think that because of the work that I do

every day with the veterans and service members and I’ve heard a number of stories of people

who were affected in the same way by September 11 and decided to join the military. So,

certainly their stories have not been as publicized, but I think that what the story and what Pat

has become to people, there’s a lot of good that has come from that too. I hear from a lot of

people who were inspired by him and gone on to do amazing things in their life and that’s all

part of his legacy that continues to live on.”

"Obviously he was a huge part of my life, but to see the impact he had on other people is

amazing. It still surprises me that when I go to a Cardinals game, his jersey is still the most

common one that you see. It speaks to who he was, the way he lived his life and how people

remain inspired by the decisions that he made."

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

22

MARIE TILLMAN’S “THE LETTER” &

“THE PAT TILLMAN STORY”

Note: The following quotes have been excerpted/adapted from Marie Tillman’s 2012 memoir,

“The Letter” – My Journey Through Love, Loss & Life. For the purposes of readability, I’ve

merged together (and slightly edited) quotes from different parts of the book. Complete quotes

with page references can be found in the Appendix B. . . .

“Remember the Iconoclast, Not the Icon”

Pat was full of life and energy and chaos and was constantly just out there in the world. He was

known around campus for his cool self-confidence, apparent even in his quirky, individualist

sense of style. He would wear clashing plaid shorts and tops, or T-shirts turned inside out

(because he usually didn’t like what they said…).

Though Pat’s childhood had an abundance of love and laughter, money was often tight. So even

though he’d played with the NFL two seasons by then and was making decent money, we shared

the back seat of his car with his bike for a cramped and sleepless night. … I think now I would

have suggested – maybe even insisted – we spring the fifty dollars and stay at the motel down the

road. One reason he always lived simply, even after he was making good money as an NFL

player, was that it didn’t make sense to him that he was disproportionately compensated to

something he loved to do. … It hadn’t seemed fair to Pat …

Pat was always finding new topics to explore… One of our last books was Jon Krakauer’s Under

the Banner of Heaven. … Most people shy away from conversations about religion or politics,

but Pat sought them out. … Along with a handful of novels, he had taken this slim book of

essays [his dog-eared copy of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self-Reliance] to Iraq. It had touched his

soul, and when he returned, he continued to read and re-read its contents. One of my favorite

underlined passages in Pat’s copy of Self-Reliance read, “Insist on yourself. Never imitate.”

I grew to realize how completely different he was from me. What must it feel like, I wondered

sometimes, not to care quite so much about what people thought? I was the “good girl,” the

pleaser, always doing what I was asked. His relationship with authority and the way he

questioned everything was very different from what I was used to, and I was attracted to his

attitude. Pat helped me strip away the “should” and “shouldn’ts” so that I could come closer to

the answer. “Figure out what it is you love,” he always said, “and do that.”

. . .

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

23

Pat had created an exterior that masked his inner self. He was much more sensitive than his

cocky demeanor & bravado would suggest. His imposing exterior masked the most gentle soul.

While I habitually throw everything away and am not very sentimental, Pat was. He kept every

nice note he’d received from a coach or fan, every report card, every jersey and game ball, every

trinket his mom had given him over the years. Pat liked knickknacks, I reserved some shelf

space and grouped his favorite belongings together.1

Pat was always doing things, large and small, to help other people. … when Pat performed an

act of kindness, something about him just broke my heart, and I almost couldn’t look at him. He

had this very innocent quality, this optimism about the world. Children have it, but they get

older and this eagerness is often replaced with cynicism. … I’ve talked to his mom about it, and

she says he was always like that, from the time he was a kid.

That Pat was older, knew the way the world really worked, and yet held on to this idealism made

him more special.2 … Pat saw the world the way he thought it should be. That it wasn’t always

that way, well, that was beside the point. He chose to see it the way he wanted it to be. … his

intentions were pure. I wanted badly for the world to meet him at this level.

1 From Mary Tillman’s 2008 book, “Boots on the Ground by Dusk”:

“I feel dread mount in my stomach as we turn the corner to the charming house [near Tacoma, WA] where Pat lived with Marie [wife] and Kevin [brother]. Pat had loved that house, situated on a hill overlooking the Tacoma Narrows, with a majestic view of the Olympic Mountains. I immediately glance at the spot where I last saw Pat standing, less than three months.”

“Everywhere I look in this house, I’m staggered by memories. … I stay in the house to look at Pat’s books on the shelves and appreciate his special keepsakes displayed in the dining room hutch. As I’m looking at the mementos, I find a small newspaper clipping I’ve seen before. The article is about Rachel Corrie, the 23-year-old peace activist from Olympia, Washington, who was crushed to death by an Israeli bulldozer on March 16, 2003, trying to protect the home of a Palestinian doctor and his family. … “I remember picking up the article from the same spot more than a year ago [2003] and asking Pat, “Who’s this?” “That’s my hero,” Pat said. “She was a stud; she had a lot of guts.” I read the article with tears in my eyes then; now, I quietly cry.”

2 From Eyal Press’s book “Beautiful Souls” – Saying No, Breaking Ranks, and Heeding the Voice of Conscience in Dark Times (2012):

”…was not a rebel but a true believer, a conservative, a patriotic man who subscribed wholeheartedly to the tenets of a belief system that his subsequent downfall indeed revealed to be a myth…. believed in those ideals too much… They were naïve to believe these things, a cynic with a more jaded outlook might aver. But had they been more cynical or jaded, they would not have felt so committed to the principles they assumed should be guiding them… [Yet] he had managed to avoid betraying the one person whose judgment he knew he would not be able to evade: his own.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

24

. . .

The media attention given to his life and death felt like a violation. … Pat had become an icon, a

cultural symbol. His life and death meant different things to different people, and their

interpretation of him often was some reflection of themselves or the selves they wished they

were. Complete strangers mourned him, but they mourned the loss of something symbolic,

while we, his friends and family, mourned the flesh-and-blood man.

He wasn’t husband, son, student, football player, soldier. He was all of those things, of course,

but none of those things. That was part of the reason he wouldn’t talk to the press after he

decided to leave the NFL for the military. He knew the press would make him a symbol, and he

didn’t want that when the truth was much more nuanced …

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

25

“A Sense of Honor”

All throughout their childhood, Pat looked out for Kevin, and Kevin worshipped his older

brother. … they always had each other’s backs. … I loved Pat’s loyalty to and support of

Kevin. It was an attractive quality – sweet and completely true to Pat’s nature. When Pat

thought a friend of his was being picked on, and – always one to avenge a perceived injustice –

he entered into the fray [Round Table Pizza fight] with gusto, without knowing it was really the

other way around.

The need to protect and defend was embedded in his DNA, evident in the way he’d rush to

defend his brothers or his friends, in the way he kindly treated women, in the way he’d

internalized stories his mother had told him about the battles of Gettysburg and Bull Run. There

are people who don’t respond strongly to words like “honor,” but Pat did. Those five small

letters strung together meant the world to him.

In the fall of 2001… the conversation quickly flowed from the game to the recent events on

September 11 … “What if I joined the Army?” he said into the darkness. Pat felt we were living

through an important part of history. Life, he saw, was about much more than what was

immediately in front of us. He had always loved history … Up to that point [9/11] in our lives,

not much had happened in the world that had the power to shake us up and make us feel called to

action. Now Pat did feel called to act.3

3 Like Kevin Tillman, Iddo’s oldest brother died in battle, became a national icon, and had the truth covered up by his government. For the past 36 years, Iddo has been engaged in a battle for the truth about his brother’s death.

And, like Pat Tillman, Yoni Netanyahu was also a remarkable man. The reality of both Pat and Yoni was much deeper than their iconic images. Both possessed a core of honesty and integrity, led by personal example, and lived their lives intensely. Neither cared much about money or personal comfort. Both were mavericks, intellectuals and avid readers. For example, from the foreword to “The Letters of Jonathan Netanyahu”:

“Of all the aspects of his character one predominates – integrity. By this we do not mean only honesty toward one’s fellow man, but, above all, honesty toward oneself. An inner wholeness marked Yoni’s entire behavior, inspired his way of life and determined his objectives. That wholeness resulted from a great need for absolute harmony between his thoughts and deeds.”

“For Yoni, unlike many of us, could not hold beliefs without living them to the full. Once convinced of the rightness of an idea, whether in the personal or national sphere, he had to do what he could to actualize it, regardless of the hardships or risks involved. Again and again he asked himself whether he was working toward the realization of his life’s aims.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

26

It wasn’t really logical for him to join; it was emotional. He felt a larger calling, and never one

to shy away from a challenge or let convention get in his way, he ultimately decided this was the

path he wanted to take. … The decision to join the Army wasn’t about all that [pros and cons]. It

was about Pat’s hearing that voice inside, his internal compass pointing him in a different

direction, urging him to make a change. It was that part of his character that compelled him to

dedicate his life to something more meaningful. It was a part of him I loved. I knew that by

asking him not to go I would be asking him to be someone he wasn’t, and that was something I

could never do.

And unless people knew Pat, they didn’t get it. They couldn’t understand how someone who

was intelligent and well-read could make the decisions he did, so they put him in a box as

another macho guy who wanted to prove something to himself and the world. But it’s much

more complicated than that.

He led me to the periphery of his orbit. He pulled me in entirely when he decided to enlist. It

was the first time I’d ever felt a connection to something greater than me. It was the embrace of

a world where people don’t just sit around and let events transpire – but instead take an active

role in making things better.

[After Pat enlisted] we were focused on being part of something that was bigger than us, this

greater cause. This was our life, and this was what we wanted to do with it. Pat, Kevin, and I

were joined in a higher purpose, setting forward on an adventure that we knew would be

difficult, but that would ultimately nourish our lives and help us to grow.

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

27

“The ‘Cause’ … I Deluded Myself … I’m a Fool”

After the [May 4, 2002 wedding] ceremony, we retreated to a private room and he laid his head

on my lap for a while. … Two months after our wedding, Pat and Kevin left for basic training in

Georgia. … It had fallen to me to find us a home near Fort Lewis … our little cottage perched up

on a hill overlooking the narrows…

When he and Kevin weren’t overseas … [they] went to Fort Lewis every day, but they had little

in common with the younger guys serving with them. I was commuting to Seattle and felt out of

step with that world, too. … The wives of the other soldiers were quite a bit younger than me, as

Pat had been a much older enlistee than most. I found more in common with coworkers.

Pat had joined the Army and yet had not believed in the Iraq War. …When you sign up for the

military, you understand that you will be following someone’s orders, whether you agree or not,

and whether you respect the orders or not. Pat understood and accepted that basic principle

going in [see Kevin Tillman’s 2006 essay “After Pat’s Birthday”]. But that didn’t mean that

training … for a war he didn’t believe in was easy or that silencing his thoughts on the issue was

a small matter.

We did talk at length about President Bush and the Iraq War and what the US role should be. Pat

struggled with the ethical issues presented to him, and his feelings on the matter certainly

dampened his enthusiasm about service and made our sacrifices feel all the more acute. But

ultimately, he’d made a commitment and felt it wasn’t right to back out of a commitment just

because it turned out differently than he’d anticipated.

He and Kevin left for Baghdad. … To make matters worse, neither Pat nor I agreed with the Iraq

War. … We felt it was illegal and unjust. “I’ll do my job,” Pat told me one night before he left,

when we were discussing the war. “But I don’t think our role there is virtuous at all.”

Once, after Pat and Kevin had left, I was driving home and I passed an antiwar protest outside

Fort Lewis. I was struck by a protester who identified herself as the mother of a soldier. Could I

stand with her? I wanted to … I fully felt you could support the troops and yet not the military

actions. … far from feeling I needed to be loyal, I felt … I needed to remind removed decision

makers that there were flesh-and-blood individuals’ lives at stake. But at this point in time, the

antiwar platform was raw, shaky ground to stand on. Pat was already treated differently… I

didn’t want to make it worse for him. I drove past and went home.

. . .

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

28

“What the fuck kind of marriage involves my absence for months at a time? … It’s funny

because at the time I felt that any absence would be tolerable due to the “cause” or whatever

concept I deluded myself into believing I was standing for. I’m a fool. How I managed to find a

way out of our perfect existence is incredible.” [Letter from Iraq]

He wondered if he could have contributed to the cause in another way. Given his stature in

Arizona, running for office wouldn’t have been outside the realm of possibility.

Pat’s early months in the military were hard for him. He was a leader and an independent

thinker, an aberration in the rank-and-file military system. Yet after a lifetime of speaking his

mind he was not invited to do so. … His intelligence and life experience weren’t valued in the

military. … He had a hard time when authority was held by someone he didn’t respect. “I’m too

old for this shit,” he’d say. “I can drop to the ground and give them fifty push-ups, but I don’t

want to, because it’s stupid.” … Of course, Pat was aware from the get-go that he’d have trouble

with this aspect of the military [basic training] but you can never prepare for a loss of

independence of that magnitude.

That Pat was older, knew the way the world really worked, and yet held on to this idealism made

him more special. … Pat saw the world the way he thought it should be. That it wasn’t always

that way, well, that was beside the point. He chose to see it the way he wanted it to be. … When

things didn’t play out the way he expected them to – like his early time in the military – it hurt

me all the more, because his intentions were pure. I wanted badly for the world to meet him at

this level.

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

29

“The Betrayal of An All-American Hero”

The chaplain pressed forward and took my hand [death notification]. He started to pray but I cut

him off. I needed to think, not pray. … Things just happen. Randomly and awfully, they just

happen. I wished I felt otherwise, that I was a religious person who believed that everything

happens for a reason. … I didn’t feel that he was in a better place, that this was all part of god’s

plan or that everything happened for a reason. I simply felt nothing.

People kept stopping him [Kevin at the airport] and thanking him for his service. … Pat’s coffin

was in the cargo hold. … the captain announced that we were bringing a fallen soldier home, and

asked for a moment of silence.

Surrounded by enormous photos of Pat on large easels [at his May 4th

memorial service]… I

realized that Pat was no longer ours … The media attention given to his life and death felt like a

violation. … Pat had become an icon, a cultural symbol. … That was part of the reason he

wouldn’t talk to the press after he decided to leave the NFL for the military. He knew the press

would make him a symbol, and he didn’t want that when the truth was much more nuanced …

His life and death meant different things to different people, and their interpretation of him often

was some reflection of themselves or the selves they wished they were. Complete strangers

mourned him, but they mourned the loss of something symbolic, while we, his friends and

family, mourned the flesh-and-blood man. …

. . .

My relationship with the military over the past several years had gotten complex, to say the least.

It started just a few days after Pat died, when members of the Casualty Assistance team came to

the cottage … “… and there’s going to be his military funeral.” … I retrieved the paperwork

[copy of Pat’s wishes]. “Clearly, I said, shoving it in front of him , “you can see that a military

funeral is not what he wanted.” I was furious. “So why don’t you leave?”

Right after Pat had enlisted … I had been proud of him… what had been at the core of Pat’s

decision to serve, the purity of it all, before lies and congressional hearings made me grow

cynical and suspicious. … When Pat and Kevin had enlisted, we had felt unified as a family but

also felt we were part of a much bigger military family. We were all in this together. That’s

why our treatment after his death felt like such a betrayal. And the thing is once you’ve been

lied to, you start to think no one’s telling the truth.

Based on the information the Army had given me right after Pat died, I’d constructed the story of

Pat’s death in my head – that he’d been killed in an enemy ambush – and was coming to terms

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

30

with it. … But if he had died some other way, this changed everything. … And the thing is once

you’ve been lied to, you start to think no one’s telling the truth.

When COL Bailey came over [to finally tell her Pat was killed by friendly-fire five weeks after

his death although they knew about it immediately]…. he did a rough diagram of what they

thought might have happened … He said they were going to do an investigation, and that there

would be a briefing for the family in a couple of weeks. … I didn’t share Kevin’s anger at first

… I gave COL Bailey the benefit of the doubt, accepting that they needed to complete an

investigation before they knew what had happened.

We flew up to Fort Lewis for the briefing [July 2004] … we sat for three hours and listened to

COL Bailey run through his PowerPoint presentation. … And for the first time, something about

COL Bailey’s story didn’t sit right with me. Pat’s dad, Patrick, asked a lot of difficult questions.

… We left the briefing with a lot of misgivings.

. . .

After the briefing, Pat’s family and I decided to pursue the circumstances of his death in depth …

to seek resolution about how Pat had died and why we hadn’t been told the truth from the

beginning. Dannie [Pat’s mother] in particular was persistent and spent hours meticulously

combing through investigations to make some sense out of what had happened. … there were a

lot of inconsistencies, and we couldn’t get answers to key questions. … After what seemed a

ridiculously series of steps, I received his autopsy report. … I began to wonder if we had been

given the wrong autopsy. Dannie had received the report as well and had the same funny

feeling. … Why weren’t we being given accurate information and straight answers?

Shortly after Pat was killed … I decided I needed to meet with Greg Baker, the soldier who had

issued the “fire” order that day in the canyon. … Kevin and Pat had considered him a good

person and a smart soldier … I asked him to tell me his version of what happened the day Pat

was killed, and he did. It sounded a bit recited and was the same general story the military had

fed us. … “Tell Kevin…” He wasn’t able to finish his sentence, and started to cry. … I wanted

to be angry at him … I reached over and hugged him. I wouldn’t pass his message to Kevin,

though … knowing how angry he’d be if he knew I was meeting with Greg. Sometimes I wish I

could feel angrier, like Kevin did. Anger … can help you seek and achieve justice. But for

better or for worse, it wasn’t the way I was wired. I had always had a hard time being angry with

people, because I was usually able to imagine their state of mind … Regardless of how I felt

about Greg, a shameful cover-up had taken place …

. . .

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

31

She’d [Mary Tillman] had decided to write about her pursuit of justice amid the fratricide cover-

up. I thought the book [“Boots on the Ground by Dusk” at blurb.com] would be a great thing for

her, and I could tell she was excited.

While the frame of mind I was in caused me to consider that possibility, I really didn’t think

Pat’s death was a murder. … it became clear to me that gross negligence was behind the

accident. … It also became clear that if the military hadn’t felt it impossible to cover up, we

never would have learned that Pat’s death was a fratricide.

The war was going badly when he died – very badly. … The motivation [of those covering up

his friendly-fire death] was not hard to understand ... Pat’s memorial [service] – it would serve

the public relations arm of the war effort very nicely. It made me sick that people had tried to

twist Pat’s virtue to fit a moral narrative of their choosing. But even as I sent in request after

request for information, looking for who those people were [e.g. Gen. Stanley McChrystal], I

understood that getting stuck in those thoughts wouldn’t help my healing.

. . .

Pat’s entire family flew to DC for the [first] congressional hearings [April 24, 2007] … I

resented that I was trying to move on with my life and yet the whole lurid affair kept pulling me

back to a dark and foggy place. Then I felt guilty for being resentful…

I sat behind Kevin as he made the opening statement. … … Kevin went on eloquently … “The

fact that the Army and what appears to be others, attempted to hijack his virtue and his legacy is

simply horrific. The least this country can do for him in return is to uncover who is responsible

for his death, who lied and who covered it up, and who instigated those lies and benefited from

them. Then ensure that justice is meted out to the culpable.”

Congressman Henry Waxman headed the [Oversight] committee sponsoring the hearing, and as

the hearing closed, he said, “What we have here is a very clear, deliberate abuse intentionally

done. Why is it so hard to find out who did it?” My sentiments exactly.

. . .

The stream of attorneys, investigators, the long calls with Dannie, and the painful paperwork

wore on me … I wanted them to all go away. Pat was gone, and I needed to focus on accepting

a life without him. I kept Pat’s good-bye letter … and on nearly a nightly basis, I would take it

out of its envelope and let him tell me to live. He wouldn’t want to see me stuck. He wanted me

to have a life.

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

32

When all this crap was over, I’d be able to rebuild my life. But was it ever going to be over?

We learned there was going to be another hearing several months later. … The never-ending

investigations and hearings that had worn my fragile state of mind completely thin.

. . .

We were in Washington, DC, for the second congressional hearing [August 2, 2007] about the

fratricide cover-up. It ends here, I thought. Somehow or other … this was the last stop. There

was no higher court or place to go.

The final hearing was an outrage. When Rumsfeld testified, he said he couldn’t remember when

he was first notified about the fratricide. How could that be? … Every fiber of my being was

crying Bullshit! But I kept a stone face while remaining rigid and unmoving in my seat. One

after another, the generals testified that they didn’t remember anything.

And worse, the congressmen and congresswomen who questioned them seemed ready to let them

off the hook, praising them for their service … So it’s patriotic to lie to the public about how a

soldier is killed? Though I had tried to come prepared for anything, I couldn’t believe this was

where all Dannie’s hard work, all the phone calls and FOIA requests and investigations and

energy, had led us. It was a mockery, and I was furious.

. . .

I read that there’s a kind of grief called complicated grief … often caused when a death is sudden

or violent, or when the grieving process is interrupted by circumstantial factors making painful

emotions severe and long lasting. With complicated grief, you have trouble accepting the death

and resuming your own life.

I couldn’t’ outrun my memories; they weren’t going to let me go. I had tucked them away so as

not to live in the past, but I now realized I needed to find a way to live comfortably with them in

the present. … How could I ever have a relationship or a future without being honest about my

past? …I needed to work through some of the things that I had carefully packed away.

In the first year after Pat’s death, I clung to his family and abandoned my own … But as time

went on, things changed. People think death brings everyone together, and it does at first. Then,

as time passes and the shock wears off, differences between how people cope are revealed. ….

and his loss was felt differently in each of our lives. … I tried to understand what they were all

feeling, and in some ways I did. … Our mutual love for Pat will forever keep us connected, but

a distance had developed between all of us. … I mourned the loss of Pat, but also the loss of his

family. Without him, our relationship to one another changed. … I felt hopeful that someday,

we would.

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

33

The Pat Tillman Foundation

[After Pat’s death in 2004] A group of family and friends decided to start the Pat Tillman

Foundation … seeing it as a way to take all the public fervor over his story and bring the focus

back to what Pat meant to those who knew him. The first thing we’d done was set up an

endowment at Arizona State University [ASU], known as the Tillman Scholars program. The

program selected students with leadership qualities and helped them start social action programs

to benefit the community.

Two of the students in the first class of [ASU] Tillman scholars were Marines … Spending time

with them, we’d learned about their needs and how little support the military was really able to

give them after their service was completed. It occurred to me at the time that someday the

military might be an object of focus for the foundation, but the timing wasn’t right. …. Pat’s

family and I were in the spotlight as vocal critics of the military, still mired in investigations and

hearings.

. . .

[For four years, through 2007] I’d avoided being the public face of the [Pat Tillman]

foundation… What public appearances I had done had left me feeling horrible. … People had all

these feelings about Pat that needed to go somewhere, and I was a living representation of him.

… I ducked the spotlight as much as I could. I needed to move on with my life, and running a

foundation with Pat’s name attached would be like inviting people to put whatever they felt

about Pat onto me. And at the same time, the investigations were in full swing, and it would

have been impossible to attend foundation functions and not get questions about how I felt about

the fratricide, questions I didn’t care to answer.

Now [late 2007], though, things were different. The investigations, which at one point I had

thought would never end, had ended. And what was more, though I’d loathed the public

attention the hearings brought, one thing that had come out of it was that I had a voice people

would listen to about military affairs. … The fratricide investigation was behind us. Now I was

less raw. Now I just might be ready [she agreed to become the new Director of the Pat Tillman

Foundation]. … I couldn’t outrun my memories; they weren’t going to let me go. I had tucked

them away so as not to live in the past, but I now realized I needed to find a way to live

comfortably with them in the present.

I knew I didn’t want to take a job I didn’t feel passionate about. I knew my work had to

contribute to some greater good. … while Pat’s life had been cut short, mine could be quite

long. … Why not try to have some impact? Why not try to have a life that makes a difference

for people? And here I had a tool to do that already at my disposal: a foundation … with a

message that was as close to my heart as it could get. … perhaps I could also embrace his

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

34

message of altruism without being swept away by the public obsession with his story. The

foundation started because of Pat, but it wasn’t about him so much as it was about the spirit of

service he’d instilled in me and in others he’d been close to. But still, I’d constantly be asked,

“So what was he like/” and “Why did he enlist?” Questions like that made me want to snap,

“None of your damn business.” I wanted people to focus on the work the foundation was doing

to help this generation of veterans get an education.

All the people who just didn’t get it, how upset it still made me when people tried to mythologize

Pat, and how aggravating it was that people couldn’t see past him to the good work we were

doing. … “When you’re putting yourself out there in a public role, people are going to want

something from you. It’s part of the deal, and it’s probably not going to change.” …. I just

needed to find a way to control the direction of conversations so that the questions didn’t get to

me as much.

I didn’t want the Pat Tillman Foundation to be merely a memorial organization. I didn’t think

Pat would be comfortable with that. I wanted to take it further, to make it something sparked by

memory but looking to the future. I met some resistance from people who had been working

with the foundation from the beginning, which made sense. … I felt it could be so much more

[by refocusing the mission of the Foundation to invest in military veterans and their spouses

through educational scholarships and to build a community of leaders committed to service].

. . .

“Pat and I started a journey together when he enlisted. Like all of you, we believed that it was

our responsibility to do something for our community, and that we wanted to live our lives in a

way that stood behind that value. I am continuing on that journey today.”

When he decided to enlist, it was the first time I’d ever felt a connection to something greater

than me. It was the embrace of a world where people don’t just sit around and let events

transpire – but instead take an active role in making things better. After Pat died, it was hard for

me to find my way back there.

Marcy [PTF staff member] … struggled to overcome breast cancer in her late twenties … Stories

abound about people who suffer a tragedy and go on to devote their lives to a greater cause. It

was certainly a large part of why I was involved in the foundation. … Regardless of why we

were all there [at Foundation], we had decided to do something worthwhile, which in the end

was the only thing that mattered. And as I stood among people … focused on making the world

a better place, I saw the embodiment of Pat’s world vision. I’d returned to the place I’d been

when Pat enlisted: holding hands with others, looking out on the world, ready to get to work.

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

35

“Salute to Service”

The link between the Tillman name and the military was obvious and yet also perplexed some

people. … And there was a time when I’d taken all of it personally – the way Pat had been used

for propaganda and political purpose.

But over time I had realized that while the administration involved in the fratricide cover-up

were malicious, they were not malicious toward Pat. It could have been anyone, and they would

have done the same thing. Their concern was the end result, not the object of their manipulation.

When I stopped taking it personally, suddenly the hold it had over me lessened. And it’s not like

we were the only family to lose someone to fratricide or the only family that had been given a

less-than-honest-story. Ours might have been the most highly publicized case, but unfortunately

it wasn’t the only one by a long shot.

Pat had joined the Army and yet not believed in the Iraq War. In the same way, I didn’t agree

with everything the military did but I saw its great purpose and potential. I saw a shared sense of

values and character in the men and woman who volunteered to serve that inspired me. Service

members choose a difficult road, and regardless of where our system is today, the military is

something that people should value and take pride in. … I hated guns, violence, and war and

had always been perplexed by the need for it all. … I didn’t completely get it, but still I always

admired people who enlisted. … I fully felt you could support the troops and yet not the military

actions.

. . .

I wasn’t looking for closure [with my USO trip to Afghanistan]…. I didn’t anticipate that by

seeing where Pat had died and seeing the center in his honor, I’d all of a sudden have a new

acceptance of the loss.

A soldier was sitting to my right [at breakfast] … I wanted that man to understand that while his

family was certainly struggling without him, it was a burden that was carried with pride. … I

wanted to instill in this soldier the same confidence that as hard as it was, he was doing a great

thing.

Watching the soldiers rock to the music, I was reminded of the feeling I’d had right after Pat had

enlisted … I had been proud of him, and I was now proud of them. The men and women I met

reminded me of what had been at the core of Pat’s decision to serve, the purity of it all before

lies and congressional hearings made me grow cynical and suspicious.

. . .

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

36

“You’ll be bringing the body of a young Special Forces soldier back home with you.” … I

remembered the intensity with which I had awaited Pat and Kevin’s flight to Dover nearly six

years earlier. I would never want a grieving family to wait a moment longer on my account. …

This is what they did for Pat, I thought, this is how he left Afghanistan. The soldiers stood at

attention, forming two lines to make an aisle through which the coffin would be carried. ….

Married, no kids. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that young widow had ahead of her.

As I suspected, the trip to Afghanistan did not deliver closure. When it comes to grief, there’s

no such thing. There’s no such thing as a nice, tidy ending … grief is in many ways unending.

… I felt grateful I wasn’t that young widow, just starting the journey. And I felt grateful that

maybe, in some small way, I could help her.

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

37

MARIE TILLMAN’S MEMOIR &

“THE [UNTOLD] TILLMAN STORY”

4

“God save me from manipulative bureaucrats in polyester-wool suits, button down collars and power ties,

and the kiss ass officers who let them get away with it. I don’t need to see my men die because somebody

cares more about helping the careers of their fellow madrigal singers over in the White House or the State

Department than they do about the troops they compromise and misuse…”

“Having spent three years watching the Wizards of Oz in Washington, he [Marine COL Bill Fogarty]

stayed up nights wondering about the uses to which they would be put. “… it’s going to cost us. And I’d

like to be able to tell my men that the price they’re going to pay is worth it. That it’s important to the

country. Vital. Something to die for.” …“We are awarding the Medal of Honor to the family of one of

our brave officers.” … “You [President of the United States] killed my Dad [Col. Fogarty]. Why?

Why’d you send him in? Why?”

He [Secretary of Defense] knows the administration’s position on the matter was a cover-up… a mistake.

But it worked. And they didn’t want the president to look bad. … [The Secretary of Defense] never told

a lie, at least not in the way he could be caught in it. … And anyway, his version could never be

challenged… [it] would become the government’s official pronouncement. … And the media gave them

their forum, always ascertaining beforehand that their allegations were borne out by facts if not the truth.”

“How lofty it must have been to have burnt with the purity of the Revolution! Before the days of multi-

million dollar election campaigns that brought politicians to their knees before the monied temple of the

contributors. … Or maybe it had been trash from the get-go, myths to feed the public.”

-- [Senator] James Webb, Something to Die For (1991)

4 Pat Tillman was awarded this Silver Star medal. Gen. McChrystal supervised the writing of this award with

falsified witness statements and a narrative that bears no resemblance to reality (even given the exaggeration common to citations).

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

38

Marie Tillman’s Memoir “The Letter”

& “The [Untold] Pat Tillman Story

Marie Tillman’s memoir, “The Letter,” was released on June 26, 2012. Marie’s memoir paints a

portrait of Pat Tillman’s iconoclastic character (yet with a “gentle soul”), discusses how his

sense of honor & integrity drove his decision to join the Army, describes his struggles with

fighting a “war he didn’t believe in,” and writes of her experience after his death and the

subsequent investigations. She ends with describing how she refocused the Pat Tillman

Foundation to invest in military veterans.

“The [Untold] Tillman Story” [adapted from the April 2012 post, “Something to Die For,” at the Feral Firefighter blog]

At the end of his April 2007 Tillman hearing, Congressman Waxman stated in frustration, “What

we have is a very clear, deliberate abuse intentionally done. Why is it so hard to find out who

did it?” Well, simply, because Waxman himself shielded from scrutiny those “who did it.”

Congressman Waxman’s so-called Tillman “investigation” was not an honest attempt to get at

the truth. His “Oversight” Committee blamed its’ failure on stone-walling by the Bush

Administration. However, it’s “investigation” was a pro forma sham. They failed to question

Gen. McChrystal about his key role in writing the fraudulent Silver Star, altered witness

statements, early knowledge of fratricide, failure to inform the family, and his deceptive P4

memo. Waxman never explained why McChrystal was dropped from the hearing witness list,

yet Gen. Kensinger whereas (designated Army scapegoat) was issued a subpoena for the same

hearing.

During the Spring of 2008, Senator James Webb conducted a secret “review” of McChrystal’s

role in the Tillman case. On May 15th 2008, the Senate Armed Services Committee (headed by

Senators Levin and McCain) held a secret “executive session” during which McChrystal testified

behind closed doors about his actions after Tillman’s fratricide “in detail.” Shortly afterwards,

the Senate promoted him to Director of the Joint Staff. In July 2008, Waxman’s House

Oversight Committee issued their Tillman report blaming stonewalling by the Bush

Administration for their failure to hold anyone accountable.

The following year, on May 11, 2009, President Obama, despite McChrystal’s key role in the

Tillman cover-up, nominated McChrystal to be his new commander of the Afghan War. Just

two days later, Obama gave the ASU commencement address at Sun Devil Stadium without once

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

39

mentioning Pat Tillman’s name. That same day, Obama backpedaled on his previous decision to

allow the court-ordered release of torture photos (probably showing detainee abuse by JSOC

forces under McChrystal’s command).

On June 2, 2009, The Senate Armed Services Committee held General McChrystal’s

confirmation hearing for his promotion to four-star general. The hearing was strictly “pro-

forma.” Senators Levin, McCain, and Webb didn't press McChrystal aggressively. The real

hearing had been conducted the previous year, behind closed doors. On June 10, 2009, Senate

Majority Leader Harry Reid made an impassioned plea on the Senate floor to confirm

McChrystal and the Senate approved President Obama's nomination by unanimous consent.

Just a year later, on June 23, 2010, President Obama fired McChrystal (supposedly) for

inappropriate remarks made to a Rolling Stone reporter. On July 24, 2010, Gen. McChrystal

retired from the Army. Since then, he’s been on the board of directors of several corporations,

runs a consulting business, teaches at Yale University, and is a well-compensated speaker on the

lecture circuit.

On April 8, 2011, the Dept. of Defense “cleared” McChrystal of “all wrongdoing” in the Rolling

Stone affair. But, his NYT/Pentagon “exoneration” was not the last whitewash of McChrystal’s

career. Dana Priest wrote in her book, Top Secret America, that McChrystal claimed to have

“professionalized” Camp Nama shortly after taking command of JSOC in 2003. But, torture was

still practiced in the Spring of 2004 and only stopped by the end of 2005. Senator Feingold

wrote that McChrystal’s 2009 Senate testimony concerning interrogation “appears incomplete, at

best.”

On April 11, 2011, Gen. McChrystal’s reputation was further “restored” when President Obama

appointed him to head up the new “Joining Forces” program to support military veterans and

their families. In response, Mary Tillman said, “It’s a slap in the face to appoint this man.”

When asked about Mary’s remarks, First Lady Michelle Obama said “we’re proud to have him

[McChrystal] on board” and White House Press Secretary Carney said “that [President] Obama

is “very aware … of the general’s résumé.”

On March 19, 2012, newsworks.org asked, “Give us your questions ... for the general...” at his

Philidelphia presentation. I submitted a couple of hard-hitting questions (Mary Tillman wrote

me saying, “… your questions are very sound”). Of course, the press tossed McChrystal a

softball question, “What about Pat Tillman?” (and McChrystal gave a bullshit answer).

On April 11, 2012, the twenty finalists of the “Joining Forces Community Challenge” were

honored by Michelle Obama at the White House. The Pat Tillman Foundation was represented

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

40

by its President, Marie Tillman (Pat’s widow). That could have been interesting, but Marie has

chosen not to “get stuck in the past.”

April 22, 2012 will be the eighth anniversary of Pat Tillman’s death in Afghanistan. The Pat

Tillman Foundation’s 8th

Annual “Pat’s Run” fundraiser on April 21st is sold out. The

Foundation’s Hunter Riley said, "Year one … It was really about just a group of people honoring

and remembering Pat Tillman … We're here to honor those who have served and sacrificed for

this nation … Because of that it's beyond Pat right now.”

But the Pat Tillman story is not over yet. Up to the present day, the government & the Press

have continued to whitewash Gen. McChrystal’s key role orchestrating the cover-up of Pat

Tillman’s friendly-fire death (and detainee abuse at Camp Nama). And, I’d bet that

McChrystal’s forthcoming memoir, My Share of the Task (Nov. 2012 release date) won’t display

the “candor” which he has received praise. We’ll see …

The “Untold” Tillman Story in Marie Tillman’s Memoir “The Letter”:

For those who have followed the Tillman story over the years, Marie’s book adds just a little

more new information (although her memoir complements both Mary Tillman and Jon

Krakauer’s books quite well with her honest and intimate portrayal of her journey with Pat). For

example, she describes how the Casualty Assistance team tried to force a military funeral on her,

and her talk with SGT Greg Baker:

My relationship with the military over the past several years had gotten complex, to say the

least. It started just a few days after Pat died, when members of the Casualty Assistance team

came to the cottage … “… and there’s going to be his military funeral.” … I retrieved the

paperwork [copy of Pat’s wishes]. “Clearly, I said, shoving it in front of him , “you can see that

a military funeral is not what he wanted.” I was furious. “So why don’t you leave?” [“The

Tillman Story’ DVD also briefly described this episode].

Shortly after Pat was killed … I decided I needed to meet with Greg Baker, the soldier who had

issued the “fire” order that day in the canyon. … Kevin and Pat had considered him a good

person and a smart soldier … I asked him to tell me his version of what happened the day Pat

was killed, and he did. It sounded a bit recited and was the same general story the military had

fed us.

In her book, Marie describes “The Tillman Story” and the “shameful cover-up” of her husband’s

friendly-fire death:

The war was going badly when he died – very badly. [e.g. Abu Gharaib photos, Fallujah] … The

motivation [to cover-up his friendly-fire death] was not hard to understand ... Pat’s memorial

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

41

[service] – it would serve the public relations arm of the war effort very nicely. It made me sick

that people had tried to twist Pat’s virtue to fit a moral narrative of their choosing. … a

shameful cover-up had taken place … it became clear to me that gross negligence was behind

the accident. … It also became clear that if the military hadn’t felt it impossible to cover up, we

never would have learned that Pat’s death was a fratricide.

However, during her interviews with the press, Marie tries to “steer the conversation in the

direction I want to go” and avoids “questions about how I felt about the fratricide” (she would

rather “focus on the work the foundation was doing to help this generation of veterans get an

education”). For example, during her June 24, 2012 “Today Show” interview with Jenna Bush

[daughter of President Bush], Marie chose to side-step the controversy:

[Jenna Bush asks:] “A Department of Defense Inspector General report [March 2007] ultimately

found, although there were critical errors by the military in its reporting of Pat's death, there was

no deliberate cover-up. You were part of a story where they used words like cover-up, deceit.

How do you reconcile that today?”

“You know, I think that for me, in order to move forward, I realized I had a choice. I could, you

know, remain angry and full of hate and sort of bitter, or I could find a way to put all of those

things in a place that I could deal with them and move forward in a positive way.”

Note: President Bush’s daughter saying “no deliberate cover-up”? What BS! Instead of

dodging the question, perhaps Marie could have retorted there was a cover-up and suggest Jenna

ask her Daddy about the it!

. . .

Marie’s book does not describe the “untold” Tillman story of how both the Bush administration

and Democratic Congress whitewashed those responsible for the cover-up of her husband’s

friendly-fire death. However, Marie appears to refer to the “untold” story where she described

the “Bullshit!” and “mockery” of the Congressional Tillman hearings:

Pat’s entire family flew to DC for the [first] congressional hearings [April 24, 2007] … I sat

behind Kevin as he made the opening statement. … Kevin went on eloquently … “The fact that

the Army and what appears to be others, attempted to hijack his virtue and his legacy is simply

horrific. The least this country can do for him in return is to uncover who is responsible for his

death, who lied and who covered it up, and who instigated those lies and benefited from them.

Then ensure that justice is meted out to the culpable.” … Congressman Henry Waxman headed

the [Oversight] committee sponsoring the hearing, and as the hearing closed, he said, “What we

have here is a very clear, deliberate abuse intentionally done. Why is it so hard to find out who

did it?” My sentiments exactly.

We were in Washington, DC, for the second congressional hearing [August 2, 2007] about the

fratricide cover-up. … The final hearing was an outrage. When Rumsfeld testified, he said he

couldn’t remember when he was first notified about the fratricide. How could that be? … Every

fiber of my being was crying Bullshit! But I kept a stone face while remaining rigid and

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42

unmoving in my seat. One after another, the generals testified that they didn’t remember

anything. … And worse, the congressmen and congresswomen who questioned them seemed

ready to let them off the hook, praising them for their service … So it’s patriotic to lie to the

public about how a soldier is killed? Though I had tried to come prepared for anything, I

couldn’t believe this was where all Dannie’s hard work, all the phone calls and FOIA requests

and investigations and energy, had led us. It was a mockery, and I was furious.

In addition, during her July 2012 NPR interview, Marie described the lack of “truth or

accountability” that came out of the Congressional hearings:

The [2007 Congressional] hearings were a low point—that feeling of being powerless over the

situation“ … “To sit in the hearings and see it all unfold in a way that we still weren’t able to

get any sense of the truth or accountability for what had happened. There was definitely this

huge sense of frustration and a feeling that there were forces at work that were much greater

than we were equipped to fight. … That was an extremely frustrating time for all of us… I didn't

feel like in the end there was much accountability that was accomplished.

. . .

Marie Tillman’s battle for accountability ended in August 2007. After the “mockery” of the

second Congressional hearing she made the decision, “It ends here,” and made the “choice I

knew that I had to make in order to move forward.” Ironically, although “The Tillman Story”

(both the film and Mary Tillman’s book “Boots on the Ground by Dusk”) ends with that 2007

hearing, I later discovered that’s exactly when “The [Untold] Tillman Story” began.

In February 2008, I was pulled entirely into the orbit of his “untold” story after a phone call from

Mary Tillman motivated me to write Senator James Webb to ask his help with Mary’s battle for

the truth. The following year, after President Obama nominated Gen. Stanley McChrystal to

head up the Afghan War, I finally realized that instead of helping Mary, Senator Webb had been

part of the bipartisan whitewash of Gen. McChrystal’s key role in the cover-up of Pat Tillman’s

friendly-fire death.

Over the past four years, at http://www.feralfirefighter.blogspot.com, I’ve extensively

documented this “untold” story (for an introduction, see my April 2012 post, “Something to Die

For”). No one else, including Jon Krakauer, has described this “untold” story (although I had

given him my material which led him to extensively revise his paperback edition; however, he

still didn’t describe the Democratic whitewash).

. . .

On July 5, 2012 I was in the kitchen listening to NPR radio when I heard that Marie Tillman was

going to be interviewed on the Diane Rhem Show in just a few minutes. I quickly prepared a

question, emailed it to the show, and Susan Page read it on the air:

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

43

“We have a … email from Guy [Montag] who writes that President Obama appointed General

McChrystal to head the advisory board for the Joining Forces program, despite his role in the

cover up of your husband's friendly fire death. And he notes that Pat's mother, Mary, called that

a slap in the face to appoint this man. Guy asked, have you ever spoken to General McChrystal

about his role.” Marie replied, “No, I haven't.”

And Susan Page asked Marie, “Have you ever had an apology from the Army? Would you like

to have an apology?”

“No, I've never seen an apology.” … “You know, at this point in time, to me it's a little too little

too late. You know, certainly I've come to terms with what has happened and chosen to move

forward in my life. And really that's what this book is about. It's how do you put your life back

together. How do you find the light in the little things -- in the every day -- and really find a

sense of peace and happiness to move forward.”

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“BARELY A FOOTNOTE” The NFL’s 2009 Super Bowl XLIII [& Pat Tillman]

Unveiling of Pat Tillman statue at University of Phoenix Stadium General Petraeus performs the coin toss before Super Bowl XLIII

“You couldn't help but notice in the days before tonight's Super Bowl that the memory of Pat Tillman

feels like barely a footnote. In fact, the NFL sent out a news release a couple of days ago, with the

trumpeting headline: "NFL salutes service, courage and bravery in Super Bowl XLIII." But it had

nothing to do with Tillman. … the NFL picked a beautiful theme for the Super Bowl … It's difficult to

think of better words to describe the most important Cardinal any of us will ever know.”

-- Rick Maese, Baltimore Sun 2-01-09

He [Pat Tillman] might have been the most celebrated story of this year's Super Bowl between his old

Arizona team and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Instead, he's the saddest. And also the most awkward … …

what should have been the dream story that cemented the marriage between the NFL and the US Army,

turned into a terrible tragedy and a mortifying embarrassment. … when the Stealth Bomber roars

overhead before the game on Sunday … maybe people will remember that American sport's connection

with its armed forces is not all about glory. It's about secrets, lies and death, too.

-- Oliver Holt, The Mirror 1-28-09

“I think they [NFL] haven't gone out of their way to help; they've exploited Pat, just like the military. …

they have a beautiful statue to him at Cardinal Stadium. I don't know if that's more for us or him; I feel

like it's more for them. … They haven't really helped to try to find out what happened to Pat. …It's like,

"Okay, we had the jersey dedication, we did this, let's move on."

-- Mary Tilllman, 6-02-08

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

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“Barely a Footnote” – The NFL’s Betrayal of Pat Tillman [adapted from the Feral Firefighter post "Barely a Footnote"]

During his 2004 re-election campaign, President Bush addressed Cardinal fans on the Jumbotron

during an emotional halftime ceremony in which the Arizona franchise retired Pat Tillman's

jersey number. Yet, during the 2009 Superbowl with his team (the Arizona Cardinals) playing

the Steelers, Pat Tillman was barely a footnote. Old news. A bit troublesome for the media and

NFL to dwell upon. A bit of an embarrassment. Best ignored:

From the Baltimore Sun’s Rick Maese’s “Cardinals stand as enduring tribute to Tillman” :

“Faith Hill will sing "America the Beautiful." Jennifer Hudson will belt out the national

anthem. Fighter jets will fly overhead. Gen. David Petraeus, commander of the U.S.

Central Command, will toss the coin. … But something's missing. You couldn't help but

notice in the days before tonight's Super Bowl that the memory of Pat Tillman feels like

barely a footnote. In fact, the NFL sent out a news release a couple of days ago, with the

trumpeting headline: "NFL salutes service, courage and bravery in Super Bowl XLIII."

But it had nothing to do with Tillman. He deserves to be remembered today. … Though

it has announced no plans to pay tribute to Tillman today, the NFL picked a beautiful

theme for the Super Bowl - service, courage and bravery. It's difficult to think of better

words to describe the most important Cardinal any of us will ever know.”

From The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s Chuck Finder’s “Players sense hero's presence”:

“An 8-foot bronze statue, hair flying, adorns a "Freedom Plaza" outside University of

Phoenix Stadium. His retired No. 40 and name appears in their Ring of Honor. His photo

hangs in the trainer's room and elsewhere around the team's Tempe, Ariz., facility. … Yet

now that the Cardinals… have reached the summit of Super Bowl XLII … What about

honoring Tillman here? … Marie Tillman, his widow and now chairman of the Pat

Tillman Foundation, has been invited to sit with the Cardinals' owners [Bidwell

family]… But beyond that, no patches? No stickers on helmets? No ... something?”

From Bill Plaschke’s 1-25-09 column, “Pat Tillman’s Friend Hasn’t Forgotten Him”:

“This is a story not only about a missing tag [dogtag given to a teammate], but a missing

legacy. The Super Bowl is here, but any mention of the most nationally beloved alumnus

of either team is not. Pat Tillman played for the Arizona Cardinals from 1998 through

2001, yet, as you watch the Cardinals play the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, you might

never know it … The NFL loves to wrap itself in the flag, yet the league has no plans to

remember him. The Cardinals have a statue and reflecting pool dedicated to Tillman

outside their stadium, but nothing on their jerseys. ‘Given what Pat represented, you

would think they would do something.’”

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The Mirror UK’s Oliver Holt wrote in “The tragic demise of Pat Tillman is the Star Spangled

Tragedy of the Super Bowl” (1-28-09):

“But given the sacrifice Tillman made … there has been little mention of him here in

Tampa… the NFL says nothing is planned. … That is just part of Tillman's tragedy.

He might have been the most celebrated story of this year's Super Bowl between his old

Arizona team and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Instead, he's the saddest. And also the most

awkward … what should have been the dream story that cemented the marriage between

the NFL and the US Army, turned into a terrible tragedy and a mortifying

embarrassment. … when the Stealth Bomber roars overhead before the game on Sunday,

even in the excitement of the moment, maybe people will remember that American

sport's connection with its armed forces is not all about glory. It's about secrets, lies and

death, too.”

Ironically, during Superbowl XLIII, Gen. David Petreaus (who worked closely with Gen.

McChrystal) performed the coin toss at the beginning of the game and was honored for his

“service, courage and bravery.” Yet, during the 2009 Superbowl not a word about Pat Tillman

(who exemplified those values) was televised (although a short video was shown on the

scoreboard).

. . .

The Media, Army, Congress, and the Presidency (both Bush and Obama administrations) have

betrayed the Tillman family by their failure to hold accountable those responsible for the cover-

up of Pat Tillman’s friendly-fire death. In addition, the NFL betrayed the Tillman family.

Although they exploited the death of Pat Tillman, they later refused to help the Tillman family in

their battle for the truth about his death (and then ignored him during the 2009 Super Bowl):

From Dave Zirin’s 6-08-08 column, “The NFL's Tillman Offense: The League Screams

Patriotism But is Silent When the Family of a Patriot Seeks its Help”:

“Mary Tillman has a message for the National Football League: Help me find out what

happened to my son. … In a recent interview with me, she was highly critical of the

actions of the NFL because she believes it continues to bathe in the glory of her son's

patriotic sacrifice while doing little to help the Tillman family find out how Pat died. …

The league certainly seems to have the clout to get things moving. … 20 veterans who

saw combat in Iraq and Afghanistan took the extraordinary step last August of writing a

letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, asking his help in securing the release of the

requested documents. Unfortunately, the league has not responded to Mary Tillman or

the veterans.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

47

In a 2008 interview (“Like He Died Twice': Mary Tillman's Lonesome Road”- June 2, 2008)

Mary Tillman criticized the NFL leadership for their failure to help her uncover the truth:

“I think they [NFL] haven't gone out of their way to help; they've exploited Pat, just like

the military. I do believe that. I mean, they have a beautiful statue to him at Cardinal

Stadium. I don't know if that's more for us or him; I feel like it's more for them. … They

haven't really helped to try to find out what happened to Pat. They have tremendous

power. Oh, absolutely. But there has been no effort to find out. … It's like, "Okay, we

had the jersey dedication, we did this, let's move on.”

“If you could say something to the last two NFL commissioners Roger Goodell and Paul

Tagliabue if they were here right now, what would that be?: “Well, I would say to them

that they exploited Pat no differently than the military. You know, this is a young man

who was quite unique. He was trying to do the right thing and it would be the right thing

to try and find out what happened to him.”

. . .

I guess the NFL figures they’ve paid for a statue, had a jersey dedication, paid for a Tillman

USO in Afghanistan … time to move on. The NFL has turned Pat Tillman into a lifeless icon,

instead of remembering his iconoclastic nature.

Update 3-24-13: From Pat Tillman Foundation Facebook post (February 7, 2013):

“The NFL Headquarters in New York now features a tribute honoring Pat Tillman. Take a look

at the great display visitors see. Thank you, Commissioner Goodell.”

Update 5-26-13: “Pro Football and the American Spirit: The NFL and the U.S. Armed Forces”

Pat Tillman exhibit from the Pro Football Hall of Fame: “The maquette seen in the display is a

replica of the statue displayed at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, AZ and was

donated to the Hall by the Bidwill family.”

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Update February 23, 2014: Tom Ziller in his piece, “Why NFL players reciting the

Declaration of Independence before the Super Bowl is weird” (SB Nation, February 2, 2014),

wrote about the NFL’s Super Bowl video tribute to America’s service members & veterans:

“FOX, which is broadcasting the Super Bowl this year, is particularly keen to express its

adoration for all things America, so what FOX gave America for its special day is ... NFL

players reading the Declaration of Independence as NFL owners and other America-

favoring personalities commented on the sacrifice of our brave soldiers at home and

abroad … There were truly lovely moments in the piece, including a closing shot on the

Pat Tillman statue. … That FOX and the NFL are so skilled at weaving touching

moments you can't possibly dislike (like the Tillman statue shot) with the smarm is

somehow worse -- criticize the exercise and you're criticizing America.”

See the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtsQeXBuOUw) posted by the White House

program “Joining Forces”5, “The First Lady & Dr. Biden Appear in Super Bowl Video Tribute to

America’s Troops & Veterans.” (@4:55). The video closed with a “touching moment” of the

NFL Tillman statue with the American Flag draped behind it.

Ironically apt, given that the NFL (and the Pat Tillman Foundation) have turned him into a

lifeless patriotic icon of “heroic sacrifice” instead of celebrating his complex reality (e.g. the man

who told a fellow Ranger in Iraq that “This war is so ----ing illegal! and who wrote his wife

about “[the ‘cause’] I deluded myself into believing I was standing for. I’m a fool. …”).

They’ve enshrined Pat Tillman as an icon, while the man has fallen by the wayside, his name

used as a fundraising tool at football games (I’ve always liked the suggestion of his brother

Richard [in the DVD “The Tillman Story”] that they instead make a statue of him laughing,

drinking a beer, while wearing a rainbow colored clown wig!).

But I would guess that Pat Tillman’s mother, Mary Tillman, didn’t like the “touching moments”

in the video [she’s previously voiced her disdain for appointing Gen. McChrystal to head up

“Joining Forces”]. David Zirin in his piece, “The Super Bowl’s Military Fables” (February 2,

2014 “The Nation”), wrote about “The Budweiser Ad That Made You Cry During The Super

Bowl” (LT Chuck Nadd returning home from Afghanistan only to be thrown a surprise

“welcome home” parade by the good people at Budweiser).

5 On April 11, 2011, Gen. McChrystal’s reputation was further “restored” when President Obama appointed him to

head up the new “Joining Forces” program to support military veterans and their families. In response, Mary Tillman said, “It’s a slap in the face to appoint this man.” When asked about Mary’s remarks, First Lady Michelle Obama said “we’re proud to have him [McChrystal] on board” and White House Press Secretary Carney said “that [President] Obama is “very aware … of the general’s résumé.”

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

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He spoke with Mary Tillman who told him:

“I don’t like that ads for the military are shown at all on TV, especially during sporting

events … Many young men join the military in order to get that feeling of belonging, that

feeling of brotherhood. It is irresponsible to try to entice young people into military

service with subliminal messages.”

Zirin wrote that “Mary Tillman is absolutely correct. You hear what the NFL and the armed

forces want you to hear. You never hear about what you might be asked to do overseas and how

that might change you.” … “The NFL and the Pentagon walk comfortably together not only

because they present pumped-up versions of masculine invulnerability as admirable qualities.

They also rely on dishonest narratives about what happens to the good people who go through

their grinder.”

. . .

Update March 19, 2013: David Zirin said, “… present pumped-up versions of masculine

invulnerability as admirable qualities. … rely on dishonest narratives about what happens to the

good people who go through their grinder.” Mary Tillman told him, “Many young men join the

military in order to get that feeling of belonging, that feeling of brotherhood. It is irresponsible to

try to entice young people into military service with subliminal messages.”

I believe the following photos, posted at Pat Tillman Foundation Facebook in March 2014, do

just that!

Did the PTF really have to use that photo of Pat & Kevin? “Leads us in the direction” … of a

life wasted by senseless friendly-fire, in a senseless war, and your family screwed over by lying

Generals, Presidents, Senators, and Congressmen?

Marie Tillman wrote in her book “I’ll do my job,” Pat told me one night before he left … “But I

don’t think our role there is virtuous at all.” … his feelings on the matter certainly dampened his

enthusiasm about service… “What the fuck kind of marriage involves my absence for months at

a time? … It’s funny because at the time I felt that any absence would be tolerable due to the

“cause” or whatever concept I deluded myself into believing I was standing for. I’m a fool. …”

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“SALUTE TO SERVICE” The NFL Honors Veterans & the NFL-Tillman Military Scholar

6

“During these [Salute to Service] games, teams will display … branded elements … include goal

post wraps, pylons with camouflage ribbon decals, wall banners … ribbon lapel pins, Gatorade

towels, Nike and Under Armour gloves for players, captain's patches and camouflage ribbon

footballs used during every play. … Sergeant Emily Thompson Schelberg … has been selected

as the 2012 NFL-Tillman Military Scholar.

[At] The Cardinals Salute to Service game … a field size flag will be unfurled during the

Anthem… Cardinals players will wear special stickers with the number 40 on them during the

game, in memory of Pat Tillman.”

-- NFL recognizes Veterans Day and honors military with a 'Salute to Service' (Nov.1, 2012)

“Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant … slapping [“Support Our Troops

ribbon] stickers on cars … It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care

about … a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him…” Somehow the more soldiers

that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.”

-- Kevin Tillman, “After Pat’s Birthday” (truthdig.com, October 19, 2006)

6 On November 13, 2012, the PTF headlined their Facebook site with this “Salute to Service” banner.

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

52

NFL’S “Salute to Service” to Honor Veterans &

NFL-Tillman Military Scholar

Although Pat Tillman was “barely a footnote” at the 2009 Superbowl, two members of the

NFL’s top leadership are now serving on the board of directors of the Pat Tillman Foundation.

Michael Bidwill is President of the Arizona Cardinals and joined the Pat Tillman Foundation

board of directors in April 2010. Joe Browne joined the Pat Tillman Foundation board in

September 2010. He is a senior advisor to NFL Commissioner Goodell.

In 2010, after Bidwell and Browne joined the board, the NFL teamed up with the Pat Tillman

Foundation and established the NFL-Tillman Military Scholars program:

“Since the Foundation’s inception, the National Football League has graciously

recognized Pat’s heroic sacrifice for his country in a variety of ways that celebrate his

memory. The legacy of Pat Tillman and his connection to the NFL is an important

American story that continues to be told by avid football fans and everyday Americans

alike. Known for its rich history of honoring the U.S. Armed Services, over the past few

weeks [Dec. 2, 2010] the NFL has teamed up with the Pat Tillman Foundation to

recognize active duty service members, veterans and military families”

“One of the NFL's primary military partners is the Pat Tillman Foundation. … Created to

honor Pat’s legacy …. In 2010, the NFL and the Pat Tillman Foundation established the

NFL-Tillman Military Scholarship which annually recognizes an individual who

exemplifies Pat Tillman's enduring legacy of service. The scholarship is part of the

Tillman Military Scholars program … “We are pleased to continue our work with the

Tillman Foundation on the NFL-Tillman Military Scholar program,” said NFL

Commissioner Roger Goodell. “Pat Tillman means so much to the NFL family…”

On November 1, 2012, the NFL recognizes Veterans Day and honors military with a 'Salute to

Service' and announced the 2012 NFL-Tillman Military Scholar with a press release:

The National Football League will continue its long history of honoring veterans and

active duty members of the military with its annual Salute to Service campaign. For

every point scored during the NFL's 32 designated Salute to Service games, the league

will donate $100 to each of its three core, military non-profit partners -- Pat Tillman

Foundation, USO and the Wounded Warrior Project® (WWP).

During these games, teams will display a number of Salute to Service-branded elements

… include goal post wraps, pylons with camouflage ribbon decals, wall banners and

the words Salute to Service written in the back of the end zone. Additional on field

elements featuring camouflage include ribbon lapel pins, Gatorade towels, Nike and

Under Armour gloves for players, captain's patches and camouflage ribbon

THE [MISSING] TILLMAN LEGACY

53

footballs used during every play. … Teams will wear helmet decals honoring military

branches with their insignia …

Sergeant Emily Thompson Schelberg of Towson, Maryland has been selected as the 2012

NFL-Tillman Military Scholar. She will be recognized in November at a Baltimore

Ravens game.

Arizona Cardinals -- The Cardinals Salute to Service game will be held on December

16. Arizona State University's Army ROTC Color Guard will present our nation's

colors, while a field size flag will be unfurled during the Anthem… Cardinals players

will wear special stickers with the number 40 on them during the game, in memory of Pat

Tillman.

On November 1, 2012 the Pat Tillman Foundation posted Salute to Service on their website:

In November the National Football League is teaming up with the Pat Tillman

Foundation, Wounded Warrior Project and USO … in conjunction with Veterans Day

celebrations nationwide. These activities will highlight the bravery and dedication of

these heroic Americans and bring attention to the needs of returning service members

and their families…

Since the Pat Tillman Foundation’s inception in 2004, the NFL, its teams, management,

current and retired players and fans nationwide have recognized Pat’s heroic sacrifice for

his country in a variety of ways that celebrate his memory including:

…displaying a memorial #40 decal on each player’s helmet … donating $250,000 to

honor Pat’s service by constructing the Pat Tillman Memorial USO Center at Bagram Air

Base … unveiled the Pat Tillman Memorial sculpture. … inducted Pat into the Ring

of Honor and retired his #40 jersey … Pat’s former coaches and teammates participate

at Pat’s Run … NFL leadership and the Arizona Cardinals Team President Michael Bid

will serve on the Foundation’s Board of Directors. …. In 2012, the NFL will donate

$100 to each of its three charity partners for every point scored in designated “Salute to

Service” games league wide.

. . .

The NFL (and the Pat Tillman Foundation) have turned Pat Tillman into a lifeless patriotic icon

(number “42”) of “heroic sacrifice”, instead of celebrating his complex reality (e.g. the man who

told a fellow Ranger in Iraq that “This war is so ----ing illegal!). They’ve enshrined Pat Tillman

as an icon, while the man has fallen by the wayside, his name used as a fundraising tool at

football games. Instead, we should honor Pat Tillman’s legacy by honoring the man, not the

myth. The iconoclast, not the icon. We should remember the “… armed forces is not all about

glory. It's about secrets, lies and death, too.’ As his mother said in 2004, “Pat would have

wanted to be remembered as an individual, not as a stock figure or political prop. Pat was a real

hero, not what they used him as.”

. . .

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Postscript 9-18-13: COL Andrew Bachevich seems to share my distaste for the union of

militarism and sports. In her review of his new book, “Breach of Trust: How Americans Failed

Their Soldiers and Their Country,” Rachel Maddow wrote:

“Even Fenway Park and the Red Sox come in for blame, for the staging of a sailor’s

homecoming at a July 4 game that left [COL Andrew] Bacevich all but retching over the

‘convenient mechanism for voiding obligation, … a made-to-order opportunity for

conscience-easing.’”

The visceral depth of his disgust for war itself — “an unvarnished evil” — is matched

only by his insistence that we stop expressing corporate-manufactured, guilt-assuaging

“support” for the troops, and instead that we actually love them in the most elemental

way: by protecting them from harm.

*** Add “Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk” notes.

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“PT-42”

Arizona State University Unveils Memorial “Tillman Tunnel”

The way Pat lived – the Sun Devil Way – is something we teach our team about every day,” head

coach Todd Graham said. “Now the final thing they will see before taking the field is the

embodiment of everything he stood for – and everything we hope to emulate and accomplish.”

-- ASU Head Coach Todd Graham

“Pat turned down a $3.6 million offer from the Cardinals to enlist in the U.S. Army with his

brother …. Pat was deployed in both Operation Iraqi Freedom and the War in Afghanistan,

where on April 22, 2004, Pat fell in combat …. Pat’s dedication to his country and his passion

for academics, athletics and service make up his legacy that continues to live on.”

-- “Service” from PT-42 Website

“[Kevin] Tillman will lead the Sun Devils onto the field. … is a very private person and

requested that he not be quoted directly, but he seems happy with the way the school has honored

his brother and the newly renovated Tillman Tunnel.”

-- Kevin Gemmel (“The Devils Are In The Details At ASU”-- ESPN.com, Sept 18, 2013)

“It's a damn shame that Pat Tillman, killed by friendly fire in an Afghanistan mountain pass, the

truth of his death covered up by the Pentagon, tends to be used as a symbol for the exact opposite

of what he should be remembered for. But if anyone's allowed to claim and exploit him, I

suppose it'd be the Sun Devils.”

-- Barry Petchesky (“Deadspin” – September 6, 2013)

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“PT*42” -- ASU Unveils Memorial “Tillman

Tunnel”

On September 4, 2013, Arizona State University (ASU) announced the revamped “Tillman

Tunnel” inside Sun Devil Stadium: “Pat’s principles are such an important part of everything

we do … The values he represented and the tradition he built upon helped bridge the gap

between the field and the community, so it is fitting that this tunnel bears his legacy.”

ASU Head Coach Todd Graham said, “The way Pat lived – the Sun Devil Way – is something

we teach our team about every day,” head coach Todd Graham said. “Now the final thing they

will see before taking the field is the embodiment of everything he stood for – and everything we

hope to emulate and accomplish.”

Kevin Gemmel wrote in his piece, “The Devils Are In the Details At ASU” (ESPN.com,

September 18, 2013): “Now the hallways are lined with a decade-by-decade breakdown of the

program's history. Each position group's meeting room is adorned with the school's greatest

players … There's even a hallway dedicated to Sun Devils football players who have served in

the military, with a heavy emphasis on Pat Tillman.

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In his piece, “Arizona State honors Pat Tillman legacy with refurbished path to Sun Devil

Stadium” (azcentral, September 11, 2013), Doug Haller wrote about Coach Graham’s project:

“’I’ve heard from military members from around the country who now say they’re going

to be Sun Devil fans. They see it [the “Tillman Tunnel”] as a sign of respect and as a way

to memorialize (Tillman) even further.’ The project — or at least the idea — sprouted

two years ago. Since his hire, ASU coach Todd Graham has studied Tillman. He read two

Tillman biographies. He hung a PT42 plaque … created a PT42 practice jersey … One

day, Graham wrote letters to the Tillman family, introducing himself and explaining how

he planned to shape the program — respectfully — in Tillman’s spirit. Not much later,

Graham received a letter from Marie Tillman, the former linebacker’s wife. The photo of

Tillman — back to the camera — was on her stationery. Graham loved it. … He ran all of

his ideas past the Tillman family, making sure they were comfortable. “They said,

‘Coach, whatever you want to do,’ ” Graham said.”

AP: Coach Graham, Kandi Tillman, and Kevin Tillman (Sept. 2013)

And, Kevin Gemmel also wrote in his piece that Pat’s brother, Kevin Tillman, “seems happy

with the way the school has honored his brother and the newly renovated Tillman Tunnel.”

. . .

I’m glad that Coach Graham and ASU are keeping Pat Tillman’s memory alive. And, I

recognize that Marie Tillman & Kevin Tillman are OK with that. But, it’s still disturbing to me

that ASU (particularly the “PT-42” group) seems to have buried the shadow side of the Tillman

story. And I still find it unsettling that Pat Tillman has been portrayed as a patriotic icon by his

alma mater and reduced to his name & number “42” (without a face). In death, his iconic image

is used to celebrate the “service” & “sacrifice” of veterans.

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I agree with the sentiments of Barry Petchesky who wrote (“Deadspin” – September 6, 2013):

“It's a damn shame that Pat Tillman, killed by friendly fire in an Afghanistan mountain pass, the

truth of his death covered up by the Pentagon, tends to be used as a symbol for the exact opposite

of what he should be remembered for. But if anyone's allowed to claim and exploit him, I

suppose it'd be the Sun Devils.”

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THE PAT TILLMAN FOUNDATION &

“THE [MISSING] PAT TILLMAN LEGACY”

Fox Sports Arizona “The Pat Tillman Legacy” Film Tillman Military Scholars honored at Dallas (Oct. 2011)

“Pat’s Run” ends at Sun Devil Stadium (April 21, 2012) Billboard at ASU Stadium “Pat’s Run” (April ??)

“[Pat Tillman was] the NFL star who left behind an NFL career to serve his country.” … so moved by

the tragedy of 9/11 that he walked away from his multimillion-dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals

to become a U.S. Army Ranger. … killed in the line of duty in Afghanistan in 2004.”

-- “Pat’s Legacy”, Pat Tillman Foundation website

"Year one… It was really about … people honoring and remembering Pat Tillman. ... [Now] We're here

[2012 Pat’s Run] to honor those who have served and sacrificed for this nation … Because of that it's

beyond Pat right now … We're selecting Tillman Military Scholars to continue the legacy of Pat Tillman

by also creating their own legacy."

-- Hunter Riley, Director of Programs Pat Tillman Foundation

“Pat would have wanted to be remembered as an individual, not as a stock figure or political prop. Pat

was a real hero, not what they used him as.”

-- Mary Tillman (2004)

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The Pat Tillman Foundation &

“The [Missing] Pat Tillman Legacy”

The mission of the Pat Tillman Foundation (PTF) is to invest in military veterans and their

spouses through educational scholarships and to build a diverse community of leaders committed

to service to others. Marie Tillman (Pat Tillman’s widow) is the President of the Foundation

(although none of the Tillman family members are now on the board of directors).

Today, eight years after his death, how is Pat Tillman remembered by the Foundation? Here’s

how its website describes “Pat’s Legacy”: “Answering the Call to Serve: In the aftermath of the

attacks on September 11, 2001, Pat proudly put his NFL career with the Arizona Cardinals on

hold to serve his country” … Pat’s Legacy: While the story of Pat’s death may have been the

most publicized in the War on Terror, sadly, it is merely one of the thousands of tragic stories

that deserve recognition.”

But somehow the Pat Tillman Foundation’s account (and their “Pat Tillman Story” video along

with the Cardinal’s 9/11 Generation fundraiser video) doesn’t even mention his friendly-fire

death, nor the cover-up of his death, and the whitewash of those responsible. The Foundation

has just erased those inconvenient truths from its’ “Pat’s Legacy.” Apparently, just as President

Obama’s has overlooked those responsible for torture, etc. the Pat Tillman Foundation is also

“moving forward, not looking backwards.”

It’s disturbing to me that the Foundation has buried the shadow side of the Tillman story. And I

find it unsettling that Pat Tillman has been portrayed as a patriotic icon by the foundation bearing

his name. His name (and number “42”) is used as a fundraising tool, to ‘support our troops,”

and to celebrate the “service” & “sacrifice” of veterans.

Isn’t that just what Pat Tillman refused to do while still living? For example, from “Pat's Run

More Popular, Relevant Than Ever” (April 18, 2012): “One night in January 2004, Arizona

State sports information director Doug Tammaro … asked for a small favor … to put a picture of

Tillman ... wearing his military uniform in the football team's media guide. "He said, 'No, no, I

don't want that.'"

And, given Pat Tillman’s iconoclastic nature, instead of just supporting “Tillman Military

Scholars,” perhaps the Foundation should also support conscientious objectors? Or the

whistleblowers that have been persecuted by the Obama administration? How about supporting

Bradley Manning? Or CIA officer John Kiriakou? Or Peter Van Buren? Or Col. Daniel Davis?

Or the parents of Pat’s hero, Rachel Corrie, in their battle for the truth about her death?

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In 2012, the Foundation’s 8th

Annual “Pat’s Run” fundraiser on April 21st was sold out with

28,000 entrants. Marie Tillman said, “Pat's Run really speaks to, not just the spirit of Pat, but

also to the spirit of the military community and how they come together." And, Dianna Nanez

wrote, “Marie said Pat's Run has grown to represent something much more important than one

man's legacy. ‘I think people see it (Pat's Run) as a way to thank every soldier and their family,’

she said.’

Similarly, Hunter Riley, Director of Programs for the Foundation said, "Year one, less than 5,000

… It was really about just a group of people honoring and remembering Pat Tillman. ... We're

here to honor those who have served and sacrificed for this nation … Because of that it's beyond

Pat right now … We're selecting Tillman Military Scholars to continue the legacy of Pat Tillman

by also creating their own legacy." Really? “It’s beyond Pat right now…”? WTF! I would

argue that the Foundation has “hijacked” Pat’s legacy by portraying his death as an example of

patriotic heroic sacrifice:

Kevin Tillman testified before Congress in 2007 that, “the one bit of truth that did survive these

manipulations is that Pat was and still is a great man. … Pat wanted to leave a positive legacy

based on his actions, and he did that. … But the fact that the Army … attempted to hijack his

virtue and his legacy is simply horrific. … Anything less than the truth is a betrayal of those

values that all soldiers who have fought for this Nation have sought to uphold.”

At the same Congressional hearing, Mary Tillman said: “… It isn’t just our family. Every time

they betray a soldier, they betray all of us. … But what is so outrageous is this isn’t about Pat.

This is about what they did to Pat and what they did to the Nation. …By making up these false

stories … You are diminishing their [soldiers] true heroism. It may not be pretty. It may not be

like out of a John Wayne movie, but that is not what war is all about. It is ugly. It is bloody. It is

painful. And to write these glorious tales is really a disservice to the Nation…”

And in her book, Boots on the Ground by Dusk, Mary wrote: “People have asked, ‘Why is Pat so

special that so much attention is given to his death.’ I understand that question. Thousands of

soldiers and Marines have died in Iraq and Afghanistan. … Pat is not more important or special

than any of the others who have fought in these wars, but the truth of what happened to Pat is

important. The truth shines a light on the corruption, incompetence, and lack of accountability

in the military and in government that is systemic, and affects us all…. The government didn’t

just lie to us; it lied to a nation.”

Finally, Mick Brown quotes Mary Tillman in his 2010 piece, “Betrayal of An All-American

Hero”: “’We can find joy in our lives again, but still not lose sight of the importance of getting

at the truth, for Pat’s legacy, and for all the other soldiers and their families. A lot of people

don’t really understand the depth of what happened to Pat – “Oh, he’s not the only one to die of

friendly fire. But it has absolutely nothing to do with the friendly fire; it’s all the deceptions

around it.’… She pauses. 'Nothing is going to bring Pat back, but at the same time, because of

the person he was, we had to go to the greatest lengths we could to do as much as we could. And

I think he would nod his head and say, yes that’s a good thing.’”

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However, instead of remembering the full truth of “Pat’s Legacy” the Pat Tillman Foundation

(and its President Marie Tillman) has chosen not to “get stuck in the past”: “I was trying to find

my way—how do I live with this and not get stuck in the past?” She has chosen to focus on

other people’s futures and not dwell on what might have been for Pat. “I didn’t want to become

bitter because of all that had happened. I saw that I had an opportunity to do something positive

[with the Pat Tillman Foundation helping military veterans with going back to college].”

Perhaps I have become “bitter.” Obviously, I don’t agree with the PTF’s stance of burying the

controversies surrounding Pat’s life and death, but I do respect Marie’s efforts to help returning

veterans.

. . .

I believe the Pat Tillman Foundation (and the NFL & ASU) have turned Pat Tillman into a

lifeless icon (number “42”), instead of describing his complex reality (e.g. his opposition to the

wars, his betrayal by the Army, the whitewash of those responsible by the government). They’ve

enshrined Pat Tillman as a patriotic icon, while the man has fallen by the wayside, his name &

image used as a fundraising prop at NFL football games to raise money for “Tillman military

scholars,” to celebrate of “heroic sacrifice” of “military service,” and to promote mindless

“patriotism”.

We should honor Pat Tillman’s legacy by honoring the man, not the myth. The iconoclast, not

the icon. We should remember that the “… armed forces is not all about glory. It's about

secrets, lies and death, too.’ As his mother said in 2004, “Pat would have wanted to be

remembered as an individual, not as a stock figure or political prop. Pat was a real hero, not

what they used him as.”

I believe we should remember Pat’s legacy as a cautionary tale of “secrets, lies, and death,” not

as a patriotic fable. The Tillman story is a metaphor for the betrayal of all the patriotic young

Americans whose lives have been wasted in the so-called Global Wars on Terror of the past

decade. The least the Foundation could do in return is to tell the “ugly” truths of the Tillman

story.

. . .

Update March 19, 2013: In his piece, “The Super Bowl’s Military Fables” (February 2, 2014),

David Zirin said, “… [NFL & armed forces] present pumped-up versions of masculine

invulnerability as admirable qualities. … rely on dishonest narratives about what happens to the

good people who go through their grinder.” Mary Tillman told him, “Many young men join the

military in order to get that feeling of belonging, that feeling of brotherhood. It is irresponsible to

try to entice young people into military service with subliminal messages.”

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I believe the following photos (posted at the Pat Tillman Foundation Facebook site in March

2014) do just that!

Did the PTF really have to use that photo of Pat & Kevin? “Leads us in the direction” … of a

life wasted by senseless friendly-fire, in a senseless war, and your family screwed over by a lying

government?

Marie Tillman wrote in her book “I’ll do my job,” Pat told me one night before he left … “But I

don’t think our role there is virtuous at all.” … his feelings on the matter certainly dampened his

enthusiasm about service… “What the fuck kind of marriage involves my absence for months at

a time? … It’s funny because at the time I felt that any absence would be tolerable due to the

“cause” or whatever concept I deluded myself into believing I was standing for. I’m a fool. …”

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APPENDIX A:

Notes from Marie Tillman’s Harvard Speech

The Marie Tillman Story Pat Tillman Foundation Blog -- March 25, 2011

Earlier this month, Marie Tillman and the Pat Tillman Foundation visited the campus of Harvard

University thanks to an invite from the Center for Public Leadership (CPL). … Marie explained

her and Pat’s decision to lead a life of service and how after his death she continued that life of

service … Read more about the evening’s events in CPL’s Jennifer Werdell’s recap of that night

or in Retired Brigadier General Kevin Ryan’s thoughts and reaction to the evening’s discussion.

Better yet, watch the video: “Marie Tillman on “Finding Purpose” [2:40 to **:**]:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w60HHgBXpbU&feature=player_embedded

. . .

3:50 His [Pat Tillman’s]childhood was full of stories of service and sacrifice and his family

ingrained in him the honor of serving in the military and a lot of his family members served in

the military.

4:29 When 9/11 happened, we took a step back and we said this is something important,

something we wanted to participate in a much more meaningful way. Pat felt that calling to

serve, so he decided to join the Army.

5:50 Moved to Ft. Lewis. Pat deployed to Iraq. First time I felt our lives part of something

bigger, focused on something greater than the individual, and we became part of the military

family. I liked that feeling of being part of something that was greater than we were and focused

on contributing to the greater good.

7:12 Came back home safely. Big wake-up call, realization that the ideals for which he had

joined, there was a reality to that. Came back sobered from experience. But he still believed in

reasons why he joined, what this country built upon, freedom and equality and democracy.

8:08 Deployed to Afghanistan. Read up on what going on politically, now decisions personally

affecting me. Everybody really apathetic and not engaged. When we joined the Army we were

happy and proud to be part of military family, but we didn’t know then what that meant.

9:40 When you sign up and decide to serve, you give your lives up to the American people and

politicians. What we needed was for them to not needlessly put lives in harm’s way.

10:19 Went to Afghanistan, didn’t come back safely this time. In fog of grief, had some clarity,

I had the realization that life is short, and wanted mine to matter, and wanted to continue this

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journey of service we had started together, and wanted to make sure that my time I had left was

used for something good; he was gone, but I was still here.

11:09 This latest about a month or so, then learned that was actually killed by fratricide. Then

ensued many years of lies and investigations and I really got lost, caught up in own grief, and

fight to fight out what happened. Didn’t have any energy to try to change the world.

12:07 Moved to New York. Worked for ESPN. Threw my self into work; soulless job.

13:48 About three years after [2007], investigations gone, things settled down a bit. Moved to

CA. What doing with life? One bright spot, PTF, had set up program at ASU.

15:38 Quit my job. Traveled to South America. Thought about big questions. I tried to think

about about a time when I was really happy. What came to me first, was remembered when Pat

joined the Army, and how happy we were to be part of the military family, and part of something

bigger, and I wanted to get back to that place. I remembered two brothers Iraq Marines at ASU

that felt disconnected and apathetic toward them. Maybe PTF could help then get education and

continue service back home, and also help the campus community understand what veterans had

been through, and that valuable and worthwhile and should be honored.

18:10 Came back rejuvenated. PTP was started as a memorial organization and focused

around Pat’s death and remembering that and celebrating that. I wanted to build from that, turn

PTF into organization impactful, and more about the lives of these young people that come

home, and honor Pat’s life by honoring these men and woman. Refocused mission of PTF to

support veterans and their family members.

19:20 In 2008 started Tillman Military Scholars. Next chapter in my journey of service. When

times difficult, I look to something Pat had written when he had decided to join the Army.

“4/8/02: Decision.” I agree with Pat. This road of service has made my life more “meaningful,

full, and richer.” I’m glad that though lost my way many times, that I found my way back to the

journey we started together. Helps honor him and life that he led, but also honors young

veterans that come home, and happy able to help this young generation of veterans.

. . .

31:14 Pat’s life and death overshadow PTF. How do you separate from controversy and get

people to focus on your goals for PTF? Hard sometimes. I have learned to try to steer the

conversation in the direction I want to go; but Pat’s story is hi-profile and an opportunity to tell

the story of others who have served, and steer it back.

45:40 PTF’s work is not about Pat. It’s about veterans, to help them with education, much

more forward looking than looking to the past.

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APPENDIX B:

Notes from Interviews with Marie Tillman

Pat's Run is More than a Race Adam Green -- Arizona Sports, April 18, 2012

… a story about the 8th annual Pat's Run. … Hunter Riley, Director of Programs for the Pat

Tillman Foundation, said they sold out and are expecting 28,000 people for the 4.2 mile run …

"Year one, less than 5,000 people," Riley said of how many participated. "It was really about

just a group of people honoring and remembering Pat Tillman." … "We're here to honor

those who have served and sacrificed for this nation," Riley said. "Because of that it's

beyond Pat right now."

It's beyond the run, too. The "Tillman Military Scholars" program is designed to give people

who "represent what we consider to be the leaders of the next greatest generation, or the potential

to be those leaders of the next greatest generation, and we fund their education," according to

Riley.

And really, that seems to be the point of the entire Pat Tillman Foundation, honoring its

namesake by helping others - just as the man himself would have done. "We're selecting

Tillman Military Scholars to continue the legacy of Pat Tillman by also creating their own

legacy," Riley said. … You will be able to see Tillman's legacy everywhere you look Saturday,

be it on the race bibs that will say "Run, Walk, Honor" or simply in the person running next to

you.

Soldiers Run to Remember Tillman Rob McIlvaine -- April 23, 2012 army.mil

Today, in addition to honoring Pat Tillman, Pat's Run inspires Tillman Military Scholars and

individuals across the country and around the world to a legacy of their own. Proceeds from the

run go to providing scholarships to military members.

"Pat's Run really speaks to, not just the spirit of Pat, but also to the spirit of the military

community and how they come together," Marie Tillman said.

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ASU Partners With Pat Tillman Foundation to Award Scholarships Dianna M. Náñez - Apr. 20, 2012 The Republic | azcentral.com

Heroes visit the Pat Tillman Veterans Center at Arizona State University's Tempe campus every

day. On Friday, Marie Tillman made her first visit to the center she believed would live up to

the fallen soldier's legacy …. Today, more than 35,000 people will participate in Pat's Run …

Marie said Pat's Run has grown to represent something much more important than one

man's legacy. "I think people see it (Pat's Run) as a way to thank every soldier and their

family," she said.

The [PT] foundation awards educational scholarships annually … At the time [2004], the

scholarship was open to any student, not just veterans. It just so happened, Marie said, that two

brothers who had served in the Marines were awarded scholarships to attend ASU. "We

realized, partly through these brothers, that there was a real need to help with the transition (for

veterans returning from service)," she said.

Marie said she hopes to see veterans centers replicated at campuses across the U.S.

"For us as Americans to give back to every man and woman who served their country, to

help them as they transition, is one of the most important things we can do as a country, I

think," she said.

Pat Tillman's Widow Starts New Chapter Paola Boivin – azcentral.com, Apr. 19, 2012

… in 2008 [Marie] began working full time for the non-profit Pat Tillman Foundation, … She

now serves as president. Last week, she was at the White House representing the foundation,

which was a finalist for the Joining Forces Community Challenge Award, an initiative of first

lady Michelle Obama and Jill Biden, wife of the vice president. The award recognizes groups

that support and assist military members and their families.

The curse of many widows is an overwhelming feeling that they're not supposed to have another

love story. That's how Marie felt -- until, on a visit to Chicago, she met Joe Shenton, an

investment banker and divorced father of three boys, at a dinner arranged by a friend.

But she sounds wonderfully at ease with her multiple roles and is growing more comfortable

with the spotlight, a bit of a necessity as she heads the foundation.

… And she has done something she swore she would never do: write a book. Her memoir, "The

Letter: My Journey Through Love, Loss and Life," will be released in June.

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Soldiering On: Pat Tillman's Widow Turns the Page on Tragedy

Parade Magazine, June 24, 2012

You recount meeting the soldier who issued the “fire” order that resulted in Pat’s death. You’ve

forgiven him, but have you forgiven the military?: “That’s such a tricky question. I look at what

happened and know that fingers can be pointed in a variety of directions. But the military is

made up of individuals, the majority of whom are amazing, wonderful, hardworking, ethical

people. I see that in the work I do every day with the foundation.”

Pat wanted you to move on with your life. How did you do that?: “It took a long time, and it was

not easy, certainly. I just decided I wouldn’t let the experience shape my life in a negative way—

that I would live as Pat had asked me to in his final letter and stay open to life. Going about

things with that attitude allowed all these wonderful things to come into my life.”

Do you think Pat would be proud of the work ?: “I hope that he would. I feel so grateful that I

have the opportunity to do the work I do in his memory. To be able to do such great things for

people—it’s an honor.”

Marie Tillman, Widow of Pat, on Her New Book & How She Found Peace Gayle Tzemach Lemmon -- Daily Beast, June 25, 2012

Tillman acknowledges that some have wondered about her focus on supporting the military when

her husband had come to question America’s involvement in the Iraq war and her mother-in-law

spent years battling the Pentagon to uncover the truth behind Pat’s death:

“The hearings were a low point—that feeling of being powerless over the situation and that

there were forces at work that were just out of reach for us,” says Marie Tillman. “To sit in the

hearings and see it all unfold in a way that we still weren’t able to get any sense of the truth or

accountability for what had happened. There was definitely this huge sense of frustration and a

feeling that there were forces at work that were much greater than we were equipped to fight.”

“I really got to a point where I realized that if I stayed focused on the anger and the frustration

and all of the negative emotions, that there was no way that I could move forward in my life in a

way that I felt was truly honoring Pat’s life and the life we had together”

“I have realized that the individuals that make up the military are not where my anger and

frustration were directed. So some people find it a little bit interesting that I have chosen to do

the work that I do, but it was also the young men and women that served and that I had a chance

to get to know when Pat enlisted that are what makes our servicemen and women so great,” says

Tillman. “I had to get to a point where I could distinguish between those things and be able to

give back to a community that had given so much to me. To be able to help them is something

that has been gratifying for me, to see the impact we can have on individual lives.”

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Would Pat approve, does she think: “I hope that he would be proud of the things that I have

done and the way that I have tried to keep the spirit of how he lived his life alive.”

Pat Tillman’s Widow Carries on His Legacy Today Show -- June 25, 2012

Marie Tillman sits down with Jenna Bush Hager to talk about how she coped with her

husband’s death by friendly fire while serving with the Army in Afghanistan, the foundation she

runs in his name, and how a letter from Pat helped her to learn to love again.

Why do you think he felt compelled?:

“He was definitely one of those people who felt like, you know, if there's something you believe

in or something you see is wrong in the world, that you should stand up and try and do

something about it.“

Then the discovery of the actual events of Pat's death. He had been killed by friendly fire a

month after pat died, you found out the circumstances around his death were different than what

you actually hear:

“To hear the way i thought he had been killed was totally different from the way he had actually

been killed really sort of set me back and made me question everything, you know, even question

if he was actually gone.”

A department of defense inspector general report [3/2007] ultimately found, although there were

critical errors by the military in its reporting of pat's death, there was no deliberate cover-up.

you were part of a story where they used words like cover-up, deceit. how do you reconcile that

today? [Why don’t you ask your Daddy!]:

“You know, I think that for me, in order to move forward, I realized I had a choice. I could, you

know, remain angry and full of hate and sort of bitter, or I could find a way to put all of those

things in a place that I could deal with them and move forward in a positive way.”

Pat Tillman's Widow Builds a New Life

in Chicago Barbara Brotman, Chicago Tribune – August 13, 201

The battle with Army officials for the truth about his death did not affect her feelings about

soldiers: "With any organization, there are things that happen. Certainly there was reason for us

to be upset," she said. "But the people I interact with every day — it's amazing individuals that

have served their country and come home and want to continue their education and go on to do

great things in their lives."

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Transcript of The Marie Tillman Interview Tim McKernan posted on August 17, 2012 05:33 – InsideSTL

… I gather, from reading the book, that that[May 25, 2004 finally informed of friendly-fire

death] was the first time you realized something was up:

“In the beginning, we tried to give the benefit of the doubt. Information that was originally given

to us was not accurate, but there was an investigation going on and trying to sort of see that

process through. I think that in a situation like that, when you’re told one thing, and then find out

that that wasn’t the case, you start to question everything and certainly there were documents that

seemed to not make sense and it was a very difficult time and a time that I spent a lot of time

focused on trying to figure out what really happened.”

… what is your emotion at this point when we go through that and you think about all the

military personnel saying they don’t remember?:

“That was an extremely frustrating time for all of us and to put so much time and energy into the

hearings and investigations and all of that and it really went on for years. It felt like after that

second Congressional hearing I really came to a point where I realized I had to make a decision:

I could continue to focus on that and continue to fight it or I could figure out a way to put it all in

the right place for me in my life and move forward.”

… I do feel like he deserves to be on that pedestal. Is it fair to say that you’re uncomfortable with

that or you just want to drive home his humanity rather than put him in a god-like position?:

“It is important to me to sort of highlight his humanity and I think that because of the work that I

do every day with the veterans and service members and I’ve heard a number of stories of people

who were affected in the same way by September 11 and decided to join the military. So,

certainly their stories have not been as publicized, but I think that what the story and what Pat

has become to people, there’s a lot of good that has come from that too. I hear from a lot of

people who were inspired by him and gone on to do amazing things in their life and that’s all

part of his legacy that continues to live on.”

Pat Tillman's Enduring Message to his Wife Mark Emmons -- mercurynews.com, August 30, 2012

There is a statue of Pat Tillman outside the Arizona Cardinals stadium and players at his college

alma mater Arizona State wear "PT 42" patches on their uniforms. Now, Leland High School --

where both Pat and Marie attended and began dating as seniors -- will host the first annual Pat

Tillman Legacy Classic on Friday night. Marie won't be at the game Friday, but she is pleased to

see Leland continue to honor Pat.

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"Obviously he was a huge part of my life, but to see the impact he had on other people is

amazing," she said by phone. "It still surprises me that when I go to a Cardinals game, his jersey

is still the most common one that you see. It speaks to who he was, the way he lived his life and

how people remain inspired by the decisions that he made."

For 9/11, York Suburban Grad to Help Ring Opening Bell at NY Stock

Exchange Teresa Ann Boeckle, Daily Record/Sunday News -- Sept. 11, 2012

Sgt. Jordan O'Reilly, a 2004 York Suburban graduate and a 2012 Pat Tillman Foundation

scholarship recipient, will help ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange Tuesday

on the 11th anniversary of Sept. 11. O'Reilly, 26, will join Tillman's wife, Marie, and nine other

scholarship recipients for the honor,

Marie Tillman: Transforming Loss Into a Sense of Service April Joyner -- Inc. Magazine, October 5, 2012

The widow of Arizona Cardinals player Pat Tillman says her former husband's sacrifice sparked

her own commitment to service. … In an interview with Inc. editor Eric Schurenberg…, Tillman

recounted how her experience instilled in her a dedication to service. … "A lot of people were

talking about, 'I should do this,' or ''We should do this as a country,'" she said. "But Pat was

never one to sit around and talk--he was one to take action. That’s what I loved about him."

The Pat Tillman Foundation arose from her desire to corral that enthusiasm into an enduring

support system for veterans. "I got bogged down in the circumstances surrounding his death,"

she said. "But I realized I couldn’t live like that. I had to find a peaceful place." Starting the

foundation, she told the audience, "was a huge part of the healing process." … Although the

veterans chosen as Tillman Military Scholars have disparate backgrounds, they all, according to

Marie, share a strong calling to serve even beyond the military. "It’s a continuation of service in

and out of the uniform," she said. Her work with the foundation has in turn fueled her own sense

of service in the years since Pat’s death. "At first, it was just about getting up, going to work, and

functioning like a regular person," she said. "Now, to truly live is to give back."

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APPENDIX C:

Notes From Marie Tillman’s July 5, 2012 Interview

on the NPR Diane Rhem Show

Marie Tillman: "The Letter" From transcript of the Diane Rhem Show (with Susan Page)– July 5, 2012

(11:13:00) … one of the things that became complicating was when it turned out that the

U.S. military had misrepresented the circumstances of his death. Tell us how you learned

about that:

“… then 30 days later hearing that he had been killed differently, it just took me back to, you

know, where I was in the beginning and certainly made me question all of the things that I was

being told.”

(11:23:20) … his first deployment was to Iraq. What did he think about the war in Iraq?:

“You know, he definitely had misgivings about the war in Iraq and I think that being deployed

and being over there was difficult for him. It was, you know, when he had made the decision to

join the army after September 11, it was a little bit different situation. We weren't in Iraq yet.

And it was difficult.”

(11:24:32) … you write that there was a point where you were driving … and you saw an

anti-war demonstration and you thought about joining it yourself. Tell us about that.

I think it is a difficult position that a lot of family members are in, particularly if you are unsure

about the wars and what's going on. And, you know, the whole experience -- what really I

realized at that time is how important it is to be engaged and be involved and, you know, stand

up for what you think and feel is going on and that, you know, really when the men and women

who serve our country decide to do so, they are signing over their lives. They are putting their

lives in the hands of the American people and, you know, the government that's making decisions

on where they'll go. So it's a huge responsibility I think we all have as citizens to the men and

women who serve.

“You know, it was something that I was definitely supportive of in hindsight. You know, I think I

was probably a little bit naive as well. Certainly, the events from September 11 had an impact on

me as well. And you know, it was really something that we believed was the right thing to do at

the time and we felt sort of joined in this journey to, you know, have him join the military and be

a part of what was going on in this country at the time, you know, in that way.”

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(11:46:10): … Ray also said that he doesn't understand why we're talking about a cover up. Is

it clear that the army tried to misrepresent the circumstances of Pat's death?

“Yeah, I mean, I think that, you know, if you had followed any of the investigations and all that it

is clear that there was certainly an attempt to hide information.”

(11:30:27): And do you think that there's been accountability now?

“You know it's hard to say. I think that, you know, it was certainly a frustrating process for us. I

didn't feel like in the end there was much accountability that was accomplished. But again I just

came to a point in my life where I felt like I needed to move past that and I needed to move

forward. And really this book is much more about my journey and how you deal with the grief.

You know for anybody who has lost someone. Not we have sort of particular circumstances

around the death of Pat but I think that when you're talking about grief and loss, you know, it's

difficult in many situations.”

… it [the book] was certainly never something that I really set out to do. And, you know, now

eight years later I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to do the work that I do. We focus on

veterans and their spouses and provide educational scholarships for them. And really, you know,

it's one of those things that I had such a great experience with many of the people in the military

in the community that surrounds it and, you know, I think that there's so much value in service

and the people who serve our country. And so now for us to be able to give back to that

community and help them come home and transition and get an education and then move

forward in their lives and continue to be leaders in their communities is really, really a great

thing for me.”

(11:40:31): And here's one [e-mail] from Roger in Alta, Utah who asks, "Have you ever had

an apology from the army?"

“No, I've never seen an apology.”

(11:40:41): Would you like to have an apology?

“You know, at this point in time, to me it's a little too little too late. You know, certainly I've

come to terms with what has happened and chosen to move forward in my life. And really that's

what this book is about. It's how do you put your life back together. How do you find the light in

the little things -- in the every day -- and really find a sense of peace and happiness to move

forward.”

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(11:41:32): We have a … email from Guy [Montag] who writes … that President Obama

appointed General McChrystal to head the advisory board for the Joining Forces program,

despite his role in the cover up of your husband's friendly fire death. And he notes that

Pat's mother, Mary, called that a slap in the face to appoint this man. … Guy asked have

you ever spoken to General McChrystal about his role?

“No, I haven't.”

(11:28:34) … (Call-In from Mary) he had such a perfect moral compass, don't you all feel

betrayed by the government who lied about the way he died until they were caught up on

it?

“Yeah … I certainly I spent many years very angry about what happened to him and the way that

things played out. But for me I knew that in order for me to really honor his life and to move

forward with mine in the way that he wanted me to I had to be able to let some of that go and

move forward in a positive way.”

(11:35:04): (Call-in from Morgan) … You sound like you don't have any bitterness in you.

But there are citizens like myself who are still very angry at the military and especially

General McChrystal for his cover up. He knew it was not a true story and he used it as a

recruiting tool and I just think it's abominable. He never paid a direct price for that

dishonesty to the American public and to Pat Tillman. Thank you very much.

“You know, I think that there are a lot of people that feel that way and it is difficult to not

become bitter and to not be angry and, you know, to find a way to make something positive out of

all of this. But for me, that was just a choice I knew that I had to make in order to move

forward.”

(11:35:53): Do you feel not at all bitter now about the misrepresentation of his death?

“You know, it's really not something that I focus on. My focus is on the work that I do every day

with the Foundation and the veterans and their spouses that are coming home. And really my

focus on, you know, what are the positive things that I can bring into the world.”

(11:47:48): … this idea of forgiveness, of being able to move on how did you manage that

because, of course, some people never in circumstances like this or other tragedies are

never able to do that. How were you able to do it?

“You know, it was something that I worked on a lot. And, you know, really when I go back to Pat

and I go back to the letter that he left for me and I think about, you know, what it was that he

wished for me in my life I just knew that to hold onto the anger and become bitter and to really

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focus on all of those things I wouldn't be able to move forward in my life and honor his last wish.

And really honor him in the way that he lived his life. And that's what I try to do every day.”

(11:51:26): I [Joshua] think you're doing a disservice by constantly saying the military's

misrepresentation of his death. It was a lie. And it's words like that that cover up what's

going on. Terms like friendly-fire that they come up with to hide the truth. … I think that

Mr. Tillman represents the scary side of war and what happens when the people in charge

try to manipulate something for their own purposes and their own gain that have nothing

to do with truth… And I would like to know from Ms. Tillman what she thinks about the

documentary [“The Tillman Story”] that was made about her husband …

“Certainly I think thought the documentary was very well done. And you know it was something

that I was supportive of. “

(11:53:55): ... [Vanessa] were you working with Mr. Krakauer on the book [“Where Men

Win Glory”]? And, if so, or if not how close is it to actuality?

“… Yes, I did work with Jon Krakauer on the book and it was something that he had approached

us about writing and, you know, was only interested in doing so if it was something that we could

participate in. So, you know, certainly he had access to some of Pat's journals and letters and all

of that that was in the book.”

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APPENDIX D:

The Feral Firefighter’s Notes from Marie Tillman’s Memoir

“THE LETTER” -- My Journey Through Love, Loss, & Life

9 The chaplain pressed forward and took my hand. He started to pray but I cut him off. I

needed to think, not pray.

12 The wives of the other soldiers were quite a bit younger than me, as Pat had been a much

older enlistee than most. I found more in common with coworkers …

16 The imposing exterior masking the most gentle soul. REF: “Beautiful Souls”

20 Pat … was known around campus for his cool self-confidence, apparent even in his

quirky, individualist sense of style. He would wear clashing plaid shorts and tops, or T-shirts

turned inside out (because he usually didn’t like what they said…).

24 …I grew to realize how completely different he was from me. What must it feel like, I

wondered sometimes, not to care quite so much about what people thought? I was the “good

girl,” the pleaser, always doing what I was asked.

25 His relationship with authority and the way he questioned everything was very different

from what I was used to, and I was attracted to his attitude.

25 …Pat thought a friend of his was being picked on, and – always one to avenge a

perceived injustice – he entered into the fray [Round Table Pizza] with gusto, without knowing it

was really the other way around.

27 … Pat had created an exterior that masked his inner self. He was much more sensitive

than his cocky demeanor and bravado would suggest.

35 Pat was full of life and energy and chaos and was constantly just out there n the world.

41 Pat helped me strip away the “should” and “should’ts” so that I could come closer to the

answer. “Figure out what it is you love,” he always said, “and do that.”

55 All throughout their childhood, Pat looked out for Kevin, and Kevin worshipped his older

brother. … they always had each other’s backs. … I loved Pat’s loyalty to and support of

Kevin. It was an attractive quality – sweet and completely true to Pat’s nature.

56 [After enlisting] We were focused on being part of something that was bigger than us,

this greater cause.

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56 Pat and Kevin went to Fort Lewis every day, but they had little in common with the

younger guys serving with them. I was commuting to Seattle and felt out of step with that world,

too.

56 We made our own little book club. … Pat was always finding new topics to explore …

One of our last books was John [Jon] Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven. … Most people

shy away from conversations about religion or politics, but Pat sought them out.

60 People kept stopping him [Kevin] and thanking him for his service. … Pat’s coffin was in

the cargo hold. … the captain announced that we were bringing a fallen soldier home, and asked

for a moment of silence.

60 Memorial Service May 3rd

or 4th

?

62 Surrounded by enormous photos of Pat on large easels … I realized that Pat was no

longer ours … The media attention given to his life and death felt like a violation. … Pat had

become an icon, a cultural symbol. His life and death meant different things to different people,

and their interpretation of him often was some reflection of themselves or the selves they wished

they were. Complete strangers mourned him, but they mourned the loss of something symbolic,

while we, his friends and family, mourned the flesh-and-blood man.

66 When COL Bailey came over the next day …. did a rough diagram of what they thought

might have happened … He said they were going to do an investigation, and that there would be

a briefing for the family in a couple of weeks. … I didn’t share Kevin’s anger at first … I gave

COL Bailey the benefit of the doubt, accepting that they needed to complete an investigation

before they knew what had happened.

66 … [We] flew up to Fort Lewis for the briefing [July 2004] … we sat for three hours and

listened to COL Bailey run through his PowerPoint presentation. … And for the first time,

something about COL Bailey’s story didn’t sit right with me. Pat’s dad, Patrick, asked a lot of

difficult questions. … We left the briefing with a lot of misgivings.

67 … I read that there’s a kind of grief called complicated grief … often caused when a

death is sudden or violent, or when the grieving process is interrupted by circumstantial factors

making painful emotions severe and long lasting. With complicated grief, you have trouble

accepting the death and resuming your own life. … Based on the information the Army had

given me right after Pat died, I’d constructed the story of Pat’s death in my head – that he’d been

killed in an enemy ambush – and was coming to terms with it. … But if he had died some other

way, this changed everything.

68 After the briefing, Pat’s family and I decided to pursue the circumstances of his death in

depth … Part of me didn’t really want to know about the details. Pat was gone. I needed to face

facts and find a way to put the pieces of my life back together.

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71 A group of family and friends decided to start the Pat Tillman Foundation … seeing it as

a way to take all the public fervor over his story and bring the focus back to what Pat meant to

those who knew him.

80 “What if I joined the Army?” [October 2004]

82 Pat felt we were living through an important part of history. Life, he saw, was about

much more than what was immediately in front of us. He had always loved history … Up to

that point [9/11] in our lives, not much had happened in the world that had the power to shake us

up and make us feel called to action. Now Pat did feel called to act. The need to protect and

defend was embedded in his DNA, evident in the way he’d rush to defend his brothers or his

friends, in the way he kindly treated women, in the way he’d internalized stories his mother had

told him about the battles of Gettysburg and Bull Run. There are people who don’t respond

strongly to words like “honor,” but Pat did. Those five small letters strung together meant the

world to him.

83 It wasn’t really logical for him to join; it was emotional. He felt a larger calling, and

never one to shy away from a challenge or let convention get in his way, he ultimately decided

this was the path he wanted to take.

84 I hated guns, violence, and war and had always been perplexed by the need for it all. … I

didn’t completely get it, but still I always admired people who enlisted.

85 The decision to join the Army wasn’t about all that [pros and cons]. It was about Pat’s

hearing that voice inside, his internal compass pointing him in a different direction, urging him

to make a change. It was that part of his character that compelled him to dedicate his life to

something more meaningful. It was a part of him I loved. I knew that by asking him not to go I

would be asking him to be someone he wasn’t, and that was something I could never do.

88 … after the [wedding] ceremony, we retreated to a private room and he laid his head on

my lap for a while. [see photo, and my similar photo after my wedding].

92 This was our life, and this was what we wanted to do with it. Pat, Kevin, and I were

joined in a higher purpose, setting forward on an adventure that we knew would be difficult, but

that would ultimately nourish our lives and help us to grow.

95 Pat’s early months in the military were hard for him. He was a leader and an independent

thinker, an aberration in the rank-and-file military system. Yet after a lifetime of speaking his

mind,he was not invited to do so. … He had a hard time when authority was held by someone he

didn’t respect. “I’m too old for this shit,” he’d say. “I can drop to the ground and give them fifty

push-ups, but I don’t want to, because it’s stupid.”

96 He wondered if he could have contributed to the cause in another way. Given his stature

in Arizona, running for office wouldn’t have been outside the realm of possibility.

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98 He and Kevin left for Baghdad … To make matters worse, neither Pat nor I agreed with

the Iraq War. … We felt it was illegal and unjust. “I’ll do my job,” Pat told me one night before

he left, when we were discussing the war. “But I don’t think our role there is virtuous at all.”

98 When you sign up for the military, you understand that you will be following someone’s

orders, whether you agree or not, and whether you respect the orders or not. Pat understood and

accepted that basic principle going in [see Kevin Tillman’s 2006 “After Pat’s Birthday”]. But

that didn’t mean that training … for a war he didn’t believe in was easy or that silencing his

thoughts on the issue was a small matter.

99 …we did talk at length about President Bush and the Iraq War and what the US role

should be. Pat struggled with the ethical issues presented to him, and his feelings on the matter

certainly dampened his enthusiasm about service and made our sacrifices feel all the more acute.

But ultimately, he’d made a commitment and felt it wasn’t right to back out of a commitment

just because it turned out differently than he’d anticipated.

99 Once, after Pat and Kevin had left … I passed an antiwar protest outside Fort Lewis. …

Could I stand with her? … I fully felt you could support the troops and yet not the military

actions. … I needed to remind removed decision makers that there were flesh-and-blood

individuals’ lives at stake. … I didn’t want to make it worse for him. I drove past and went

home.

101 “What the fuck kind of marriage involves my absence for months at a time? … It’s funny

because at the time I felt that any absence would be tolerable due to the “cause” or whatever

concept I deluded myself into believing I was standing for. I’m a fool. How I managed to find a

way out of our perfect existence is incredible.” [Letter from Iraq]

107 Things just happen. Randomly and awfully, they just happen. I wished I felt otherwise,

that I was a religious person who believed that everything happens for a reason. … I didn’t feel

that he was in a better place, that this was all part of god’s plan,or that everything happened for a

reason. I simply felt nothing.

108 …it was Pat’s dog-eared copy of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self-Reliance. Along with a

handful of novels, he had taken this slim book of essays to Iraq. It had touched his soul, and

when he returned, he continued to read and re-read its contents…. I flipped through the pages

and saw his carefully underlined passages.

110 Read philosophy and stories of tragedy and triumph over adversity.

122 He wasn’t husband, son, student, football player, soldier. He was all of those things, of

course, but none of those things. That was part of the reason he wouldn’t talk to the press after

he decided to leave the NFL for the military. He knew the press would make him a symbol, and

he didn’t want that when the truth was much more nuanced …

125 My relationship with the military over the past several years had gotten complex, to say

the least. It started just a few days after Pat died, when members of the Casualty Assistance team

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came to the cottage. … “…and there’s going to be his military funeral.” … I retrieved the

paperwork [copy of Pat’s wishes]. “Clearly, I said, shoving it in front of him , “you can see that

a military funeral is not what he wanted.” I was furious. “So why don’t you leave?”

127 … my interaction with the military had only increased as Pat’s family and I continued

[2005] to seek resolution about how Pat had died and why we hadn’t been told the truth from the

beginning. Dannie in particular was persistent, and spent hours meticulously combing through

investigations to make some sense out of what had happened.

127 … my interaction with the military had only increased as Pat’s family and I continued to

seek resolution about how Pat had died and why we hadn’t been told the truth from the

beginning. …. there were a lot of inconsistencies, and we couldn’t get answers to key questions

…

128 Dannie and I were in near-constant contact … After what seemed a ridiculously series of

steps, I received his autopsy report. … I began to wonder if we had been given the wrong

autopsy. Dannie had received the report as well and had the same funny feeling. … Why

weren’t we being given accurate information and straight answers?

128 When Pat and Kevin had enlisted, we had felt unified as a family but also felt we were

part of a much bigger military family. We were all in this together. That’s why our treatment

after his death felt like such a betrayal. And the thing is once you’ve been lied to, you start to

think no one’s telling the truth.

129 [Conspiracy theories] While the frame of mind I was in caused me to consider that

possibility, I really didn’t think Pat’s death was a murder. … it became clear to me that gross

negligence was behind the accident. … It also became clear that if the military hadn’t felt it

impossible to cover up, we never would have learned that Pat’s death was a fratricide.

129 The war was going badly when he died – very badly. … The motivation was not hard to

understand ... Pat’s memorial – it would serve the public relations arm of the war effort very

nicely. It made me sick that people had tried to twist Pat’s virtue to fit a moral narrative of their

choosing. But even as I sent in request after request for information, looking for who those

people were [ e.g. McChrystal], I understood that getting stuck in those thoughts wouldn’t help

my healing.

131 Meeting with Greg Baker

132 Sometimes I wish I could feel angrier, like Kevin did. Anger … can help you seek and

achieve justice. But for better or for worse, it wasn’t the way I was wired. I had always had a

hard time being angry with people, because I was usually able to imagine their state of mind …

Regardless … a shameful cover-up had taken place …

134 … the stream of attorneys, investigators, the long calls with Dannie, and the painful

paperwork wore on me … I wanted them to all go away. Pat was gone, and I needed to focus on

accepting a life without him. I kept Pat’s good-bye letter … and on nearly a nightly basis, I

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would take it out of its envelope and let him tell me to live. He wouldn’t want to see me stuck.

He wanted me to have a life.

135 Pat’s entire family flew to DC for the congressional hearings [April 24, 2007] … I

resented that I was trying to move on with my life and yet the whole lurid affair kept pulling me

back to a dark and foggy place. Then I felt guilty for being resentful…

136 Kevin’s speech

137 Congressman Henry Waxman … as the hearing closed, he said, “What we have here is a

very clear, deliberate abuse intentionally done. Why is it so hard to find out who did it?” My

sentiments exactly.

137 When all this crap was over, I’d be able to rebuild my life. But was it ever going to be

over? We learned there was going to be another hearing several months later.

140 Vegetarian.

141 The never-ending investigations and hearings that had worn my fragile state of mind

completely thin.

162 She’d [Mary Tillman] had decided to write about her pursuit of justice amid the fratricide

cover-up. I thought the book would be a great thing for her, and I could tell she was excited.

167 We were in Washington, DC, for the second congressional hearing about the fratricide

cover-up. It ends here, I thought. Somehow or other. … this was the last stop. There was no

higher court or place to go.

167 The final hearing was an outrage. When Rumsfeld testified, he said he couldn’t

remember when he was first notified about the fratricide. How could that be? … Every fiber of

my geing was crying Bullshit! But I kept a stone face while remaining rigid and unmoving in my

seat. One after another, the generals testified that they didn’t remember anything. And worse,

the congressmen and congresswomen who questioned them seemed ready to let them off the

hook, praising them for their service … So it’s patriotic to lie to the public about how a soldier is

killed? Though I had tried to come prepared for anything, I couldn’t believe this was where all

Dannie’s hard work, all the phone calls and FOIA requests and investigations and energy, had

led us. It was a mockery, and I was furious.

176 All that I had been trying to escape by moving to New York was sitting right in front of

me

177 There wasn’t the look of pity or horror this statement usually provoked. Just two people

understanding the reality of each other …. ‘I wrote this. I want you to have it, in case it might do

you some good.” The book was “The Last True Story I’ll Ever Tell,” and the young author was

John Crawford. … I saw that the barrier had fallen down.

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178 …it had felt oddly comfortable to let my old story wash over me. It was a part of me.

… I couldn’t’ outrun my memories; they weren’t going to let me go. I had tucked them away so

as not to live in the past, but I now realized I needed to find a way to live comfortably with them

in the present. … How could I ever have a relationship or a future without being honest about my

past? …I needed to work through some of the things that I had carefully packed away.

179 One of my favorite underlined passages in Pat’s copy of Self-Reliance read “Insist on

yourself. Never imitate.”

188 … Pat’s aversion to it [to spending]. Though Pat’s childhood had an abundance of love

and laughter, money was often tight …

189 … Pat liked knickknacks, I reserved some shelf space and grouped his favorite

belongings together [Rachel Corrie news clipping].

192 While I habitually throw everything away and am not very sentimental, Pat was. He kept

every nice note he’d received from a coach or fan, every report card, every jersey and game ball,

every trinket his mom had given him over the years.

205 I knew I didn’t want to take a job I didn’t feel passionate about. I knew my work had to

contribute to some greater good.

206 So even though he’d played with the NFL two seasons by then and was making decent

money, we shared the back seat of his care with his bike for a cramped and sleepless night. … I

think now I would have suggested – maybe even insisted – we spring the fifty dollars and stay at

the motel down the road.

214 I’d avoided being the public face of the [Pat Tillman] foundation… What public

appearances I had done had left me feeling horrible.

214 “Thank you so much for your sacrifice.” … I thanked him, but what I wanted to say was

‘I didn’t want this sacrifice. I didn’t make a choice to lose my husband this way, and if I could, I

would take him back in a second, sacrifice be damned.”

215 One reason he always lived simply, even after he was making good money as an NFL

player, was that it didn’t make sense to him that he was disproportionately compensated to

something he loved to do. … It hadn’t seemed fair to Pat …

215 People had all these feelings about Pat that needed to go somewhere, and I was a living

representation of him. … I ducked the spotlight as much as I could. I needed to move on with

my life, and running a foundation with Pat’s name attached would be like inviting people to put

whatever they felt about Pat onto me. And at the same time, the investigations were in full

swing, and it would have been impossible to attend foundation functions and not get questions

about how I felt about the fratricide, questions I didn’t care to answer. … The fratricide

investigation was behind us. Now I was less raw. Now I just might be ready.

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217 Pat was always doing things, large and small, to help other people. …when Pat

performed an act of kindness, something about him just broke my heart, and I almost couldn’t

look at him. He had this very innocent quality, this optimism about the world. Children have it,

but they get older and this eagerness is often replaced with cynicism. That Pat was older, knew

the way the world really worked, and yet held on to this idealism made him more special. When

things didn’t play out the way he expected them to – like his early time in the military – it hurt

me all the more, because his intentions were pure. I wanted badly for the world to meet him at

this level.

217 I don’t know where this part of Pat’s personality came from, exactly. I’ve talked to his

mom about it, and she says he was always like that, from the time he was a kid.

218 And unless people knew Pat, they didn’t get it. They couldn’t understand how someone

who was intelligent and well read could make the decisions he did, so they put him in a box as

another macho guy who wanted to prove something to himself and the world. But it’s much

more complicated than that. Pat saw the world the way he thought it should be. That it wasn’t

always that way, well, that was beside the point. He chose to see it the way he wanted it to be.

… he led me to the periphery of his orbit … He pulled me in entirely when he decided to enlist.

It was the first time I’d ever felt a connection to something greater than me. It was the embrace

of a world where people don’t just sit around and let events transpire – but instead take an active

role in making things better. After Pat died, it was hard for me to find my way back there.

221 … while Pat’s life had been cut short, mine could be quite long. … Why not try to have

some impact? Why not try to have a life that makes a difference for people? And here I had a

tool to do that already at my disposal: a foundation … with a message that was as close to my

heart as it could get. … perhaps I could also embrace his message of altruism without being

swept away by the public obsession with his story.

222 Awkward Thanksgiving dinner with the Tillman family.

224 In the first year after Pat’s death, I clung to his family and abandoned my own … But as

time went on, things changed. .. differences between how people cope are revealed. …. and his

loss was felt differently in each of our lives. … Our mutual love for Pat will forever keep us

connected, but a distance had developed between all of us.

226 The first thing we’d done was set up an endowment a Arizona State University, known as

the Tillman Scholars program. The program selected students with leadership qualities and

helped them start social action programs to benefit the community.

226 But … I wanted to do more. I didn’t want the Pat Tillman Foundation to be merely a

memorial organization. I didn’t think Pat would be comfortable with that. I wanted to take it

further, to make it something sparked by memory but looking to the future. I met some

resistance from people who had been working with the foundation from the beginning, which

made sense. It had been running along just fine, honoring Pat and doing some good things along

the way. … I felt it could be so much more.

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227 Two of the students in the first class of Tillman scholars were Marines … Spending time

with them, we’d learned about their needs and how little support the military was really able to

give them after their service was completed. It occurred to me at the time that someday the

military might be an object of focus for the foundation, but the timing wasn’t right. …. Pat’s

family and I were in the spotlight as vocal critics of the military, still mired in investigations and

hearings. Now, though, things were different. The investigations, which at one point I had

thought would never end, had ended. And what was more, though I’d loathed the public

attention the hearings brought, one thing that had come out of it was that I had a voice people

would listen to about military affairs. .. . I could use that fact to do some good.

228 The link between the Tillman name and the military was obvious and yet also perplexed

some people. … And there was a time when I’d taken all of it personally – the way Pat had been

used for propaganda and political purpose. But over time I had realized that while the

administration involved in the fratricide cover-up were malicious, they were not malicious

toward Pat. It could have been anyone, and they would have done the same thing. Their concern

was the end result, not the object of their manipulation. When I stopped taking it personally,

suddenly the hold it had over me lessened. And it’s not like we were the only family to lose

someone to fratricide or the only family that had been given a less-than-honest-story. Ours

might have been the most highly publicized case, but unfortunately it wasn’t the only one by a

long shot.

228 Pat had joined the Army and yet not believed in the Iraq War. In the same way, I didn’t

agree with everything the military did but I saw its great purpose and potential. I saw a shared

sense of values and character in the men and woman who volunteered to serve that inspired me.

Service members choose a difficult road, and regardless of where our system is today, the

military is something that people should value and take pride in. For all these reasons, I wanted

to speak for military families …

235 The foundation started because of Pat, but it wasn’t about him so much as it was about

the spirit of service he’d instilled in me and in others he’d been close to. But still, I’d constantly

be asked, “So what was he like/” and “Why did he enlist?” Questions like that made me want to

snap, “None of your damn business.” I wanted people to focus on the work the foundation was

doing to help this generation of veterans get an education.

235 …all the people who just didn’t get it, about how upset it still made me when people tried

to mythologize Pat, and aggravating it was that people couldn’t see past him to the good work we

were doing. … “When you’re putting yourself out there in a public role, people are going to want

something from you. It’s part of the deal, and it’s probably not going to change.” …. I just

needed to find a way to control the direction of conversations so that the questions didn’t get to

me as much.

237 “Pat and I started a journey together when he enlisted. Like all of you, we believed that it

was our responsibility to do something for our community, and that we wanted to live our lives

in a way that stood behind that value. I am continuing on that journey today.”

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238 …I opened it up for questions, the part of the presentation that always filled me with

dread.

239 Marcy [PTF staff] … struggled to overcome breast cancer in her late twenties, but we

hadn’t really talked about it. ..”I know our experiences were really different, but we both went

through a crisis at about the same age.”

240 … stories abound about people who suffer a tragedy and go on to devote their lives to a

greater cause. It was certainly a large part of why I was involved in the foundation. …

regardless of why were were all there, we had decided to do something worthwhile, which in the

end was the only thing that mattered. And as I stood among people … focused on making the

world a better place, I saw the embodiment of Pat’s world vision. I’d returned to the place I’d

been when Pat enlisted: holding hands with others, looking out on the world, ready to get to

work.

242 I wasn’t looking for closure [USO trip to Afghanistan]…. I didn’t anticipate that by

seeing where Pat had died and seeing the center in his honor, I’d all of a sudden have a new

acceptance of the loss.

245 I wanted to instill in this soldier the same confidence that as hard as it was, he was doing

a great thing.

247 …I was reminded of the feeling I’d had right after Pat had enlisted and we’d moved to

Washington. I had proud of him, and I was now proud of them [soldiers in Afghanistan]. The

men and women I met reminded me of what had been at the core of Pat’s decision to serve, the

purity of it all before lies and congressional hearings made me grow cynical and suspicious.

247 “You’ll be bringing the body of a young Special Forces soldier back home with you.” …

I remembered the intensity with which I had awaited pat and Kevin’s flight to Dover nearly six

years earlier. I would never want a grieving family to wait a moment longer on my account. …

This is what they did for Pat, I thought, this is how he left Afghanistan. The soldiers stood at

attention, forming tow lines to make an aisle through which the coffin would be carried. ….

Married, no kids. I couldn’t stop thinking about what that young widow had ahead of her.

248 As I suspected, the trip to Afghanistan did not deliver closure. When it comes to grief,

there’s no such thing. There’s no such thing as a nice, tidy ending … grief is in many ways

unending. … I felt grateful I wasn’t that young widow, just starting the journey. And I felt

grateful that maybe, in some small way, I could help her.