the john bull: pilot

8/13/2019 The John Bull: Pilot

1/34

The John Bull

By

Tom L. & Nick Douglas

[email protected]


2/34

EXT. CLOUDS - DAY

Grey clouds. Snow is falling.

A carrier pigeon soars through the sky.

The clouds below part; we see Boston from the air, 1773.

The layout of the harbor, the back bay, the Charles Riverbelow us. Federal-era town houses, old wooden shanties.

EXT. BOSTON STREETS

Snow on the ground.

Christmas decorations.

The pigeon has a slip of paper tied around its leg.

The pigeon lands on the window ledge of a handsome Georgianbuilding, which says "THE JOHN BULL; est. 1754" outside.

EXT. WINDOW LEDGE

MOLLY, a brisk young Bluestocking, coos to the pigeon andtakes the slip of paper. She gives the pigeon some bread,and it wanders away. She reads the note:

"The means of production are on the HMS Beaver."

INT. NEWSROOM

Molly walks through the John Bull newsroom (desks, inkwells,bottles of gin, folios). She discreetly throws the messagein the fire, then turns to the staff meeting in progress.

Theyre putting together the Christmas edition.

MOLLYYou made Guy Fawkes your Man of theYear!?

C.U. THE JOHN BULL NEWSPAPER

A stack of galleys of a life-size engraving of Guy Fawkeshead with, underneath, the title:

GUY FAWKES, A TRUE AMERICAN WHIG


3/34

2.

INT. NEWSROOM

HORACE, the middle-aged editor; WINTHROP, the young buck;J.J., the Iroquois artist; ERASMUS, the black printer.

HORACE

Its not an endorsement!

MOLLYHe was a terrorist! He tried toblow up Parliament!

WINTHROPHe was a hero! He tried to blow upParliament!

HORACEIts satirical! We are holding up amirror to the thugs and so-called

patriots who would wage war on thegovernment.

WINTHROPThe Sons of Liberty arent thugs!

MOLLYTheyve blown up three boats.

WINTHROPPart the first, theyre SHIPS,Molly, and part the second, thatwas Rhode Island, theyre animals

down there. They remove theiroverjackets for sex.

MOLLYI like how youve made Guy Fawkes anegro!

HORACEAh -- no, its recycled stock.

WINTHROPWhat happened to the good purewhite English paper?

HORACEThe Stamp Act, the ports haverefused shipments.

ERASMUSAll we can get is "bonded mulatto."


4/34

3.

WINTHROPYou cant have a brown newspaper! Ican barely read the Word Jumble.The only guesses last week were"the Kings Arsehole", and "eightbillion". Those arent even

numbers.

HORACEMoving on, Ill be covering themeeting on taxation policy; JJ willattend to draw persons ofsignificance.

WINTHROPIm doing auxiliary reporting.

HORACEMolly will cover the Boston Tea

Party.

MOLLYYoure fucking kidding me.

HORACEOh, tush. Its your beat, as Editorfor Styles & Weaning.

MOLLYTheres no news in weaning!

CUTAWAY: PAGE OF THE JOHN BULL: "WEANING ROUNDUP"

MOLLYEveryone knows the Tea Party isjust a bunch of angry, fat, oldwhite women!

INT. SOCIAL HALL - DAY

An actual tea party. Eight society figures around a table,of whom Molly is one.

MRS. LOWELLMrs. Cabot, would you care foranother scone?

MRS. CABOTOh no, I shouldnt like to be thesize of a house! Unlike you I amcursed with the sin of pride.


5/34

4.

MRS. LOWELLAnd syphilis.

A muted gasp.

MRS. LOWELL

More quincewater?

Mollys neighbor leans over.

NEIGHBORIts a shame theyre shootingblanks.

MOLLYYeah, wheres the tea?

MRS. CABOTBlockaded! All the ships have been

sent away.

MRS. LOWELLLike the Deacon of St Lukesturning away your son.

MRS. CABOTMy son will likely solve the teasituation this very evening at thetown hall meeting.

MRS. LOWELLYes, its said he means to burn the

Beaver!

MOLLYWhat?!

MRS. CABOT(snarling)

My son is a loyal Englishman.

MOLLYThats not the way to do it!

Mrs Cabot and Mrs Lowell turn their attention on Molly. Shehas betrayed that she is something of a revolutionary.

MRS CABOT & MRS LOWELLDo what?

NEIGHBOR(hurried)

(MORE)


6/34


7/34

6.

WINTHROP...invite you to "enumerate thetaffies"?

MANGods eyes Flint, youre a brave

man!

WINTHROPAh, you are a fanatic of my column,"Winthrops Burden: Working thefront lines with a savage, a Negro,and a female woman"!

MANNo. Its that Mrs. Yardleyshusband is yonder.

WINTHROP

(shocked)I thought he had business in theIndies!

MANIts said youve been dissolvingMrs. Yardleys morals with Indianhemp.

WINTHROPDissolving! Mrs. Yardleys moralswould take the form of anycontainer.

MANSuch as your chambers. Six hundredtaffies?

INT. BACK OF THE MEETING HALL

Erasmus is hawking the paper.

ERASMUSJohn Bull, tuppence! News as trueas the King is English!

A man is leaving the meeting house.

MAN(to Erasmus)

Go on then.


8/34

7.

ERASMUSA discerning reader!

MAN(as he buys a copy)

Theyve no wipings in the privy.

Guy Fawkes is your frontispiece?!

HORACE (O.S.)Its not an endorsement!

MANAnd whys he brown?

We rack focus to way in the distance, where,

ON STAGE

SAM ADAMS

East India tea is cheaper andbetter than what the smugglers areselling, even with the tax. I knowyou feel the need to stand onprinciple...

HECKLERBurn em!

A Molotov cocktail smashes on stage. Sam Adams stamps itout. He looks strongly at the thrower.

SAM ADAMS

You there! No more thuggery!Remember what we said about arson.

HECKLERIts quicker?

Back to Erasmus. Winthrop sneaks over.

WINTHROPErasmus, lend me a copy.

ERASMUSTuppence.

WINTHROPGods nose Erasmus, Yardley is justthere! He has learned that Ivebeen stirring his porridge!

Erasmus looks blank.


9/34

8.

WINTHROPYou know! He believes Ive been...saddling his ass. Plowing hisfields?

ERASMUS

Youve been doing chores?

WINTHROPIve been fucking his goodwife! Imust hide!

ERASMUS(holding out 1 then 2fingers:)

Tupp. Pence.

Winthrop pays up, and sticks a copy of the paper in front ofhis face just before Yardley comes by.

YARDLEYWheres that cur Flint?

ERASMUSBehind the John Bull.

YARDLEYHes behind much in this town. Ifyou see him, tell him that I willkill him. Terrible cover.Glamorizing Catholics!

ERASMUS(bored)

Its not an endorsement.

Yardley goes.

Winthrop looks at the giant Guy Fawkes face on the cover.

SAM ADAMSQuestions? Yes, Hancock.

HANCOCK(holding two flaming torches)

So when do we burn something?

Molly arrives.

MOLLYGentlemen! I must have your help.


10/34

9.

WINTHROPMolly, whos covering the teaparty?

MOLLYThere is no tea party, dammit,

because there is no tea! Thismeeting is the key to resolvingeverything!

WINTHROPIm working on it!

MOLLYWhats your story so far?

WINTHROPWell--when I said I would have MrsYardley oer a table, I meant for a

cup of coffee - is that not thecorrect preposition...?

MOLLYDamn your comings and goings,Winthrop, theres a rebellionforming!

WINTHROPAh, dear no, your sweet femininepassions have confused you. No,this is just spirited democracy.

ON STAGE

ELDERLY GENTThe Prime Minister is a fair man...

He is beaten down by Sons of Liberty with clubs.

HANCOCKTax is nothing but pickpocketry!

HECKLERWorse, sir! Robbery!

FAR-OFF HECKLERSodomy!

Molly barges onto stage, interrupting the beating.

MOLLYSirs, if to surrender your propertyis to pay an iniquitous tax, then

(MORE)


11/34

10.

MOLLY (contd)one half of Parliaments dominionis taxed without being afforded avote!

Cheers.

SONS OF LIBERTYShes right! Burn em!

MOLLYI speak of the fairer sex!

Silence.

CROWDFairer than what sex?

Wha, facing each other?

MOLLYFor is it not self-evident that allmen and women are created equal?

GASPS.

CROWDKill her!

Put her on a stake!

Touch her!

MOLLYI say, no more taxation withoutbeing represented!

This starts up as a chant.

CROWDYeah! No more taxation withoutbein represented!

The crowd begins to push for the exits.

SAM ADAMS(resigned)

This meeting can do nothing furtherto save the country.

HECKLERLets storm the harbor and burn theships!


12/34

11.

The crowd roars and starts heading for the door. Erasmushawks the paper.

SON OF LIBERTYBut the Kings men will catch us!

SON OF LIBERTY

How shall we evade detection?

CROWDRegard!

Someone points at Winthrop, whos peering from behind theJohn Bull. Hes cut eyeholes in the face of Guy Fawkes. Hepulls his mask down to say:

WINTHROPWhat, this?

Zoom in on the furious face of Mr Yardley.

YARDLEYWinthrop Flint!

WINTHROPAaaand Im out.

Winthrop puts the mask back up, and ducks out of the townhall.

SON OF LIBERTY 1How clever! He has disguisedhimself as a negro! Let us all dothat!

SON OF LIBERTY 2Gods Toes man, were trying NOT toget shot.

Erasmus, not proud but ready to make a buck, steps up.

ERASMUSGentlemen! My colleague wasdisguised not as a negro but as aproud Mohawk Indian, which is less

bad!

CROWDAhh. Yes, Mohawks!

HORACEWhat? No! That, sirs, was the JohnBull, epitome of truth anddecency...


13/34

12.

But no-one listens.

ERASMUSGET your Mohawk disguise here.TUPPENCE!

Erasmus does a roaring trade.

Horace, not for the first time, accepts this rum turn ofevents.

The crowd pours out of the meeting hall with copies of theJohn Bull pressed to their faces, ululating.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

EXT. BOSTON STREETS

Two redcoat soldiers in dark blue greatcoats, white facings,tricorner hats, are talking to an officer as a mob of SONSOF LIBERTY, carrying flaming torches and wearing newspapersas masks, rush past them.

REDCOAT OFFICERMen, this hullaballoo is gettingzesty! Might be time to arrest afew Boston Indians, to cooltempers.

REDCOAT 1Righty-ho, sir.

The two soldiers turn around and there find J.J., withHorace, Winthrop and Molly. (Erasmus has ditched.) Theredcoat lays a very gentle hand on J.J.s soldier.

REDCOAT 1Im afraid youre nicked.

J.J. sighs.

HORACEAh! They have apprehended you.

Both SOLDIER and J.J. appear to accept the act of arrestcompletely without force. Winthrop finds this perplexing.

WINTHROPWhy dont you run? They have noweapons! They are literally theonly unarmed men here!


14/34

13.

HORACETwere beneath the dignity of theKing to enforce his will with mereweaponry.

WINTHROP

What are you even talking about?Why are you arresting him? Whynot arrest her?

Indicating Molly. Molly gets very defensive.

MOLLYHey!

REDCOAT 2What for? Underboiling the mutton?

The redcoats all laugh. Horace and Winthrop, too.

MOLLYThis is all a distraction! The Sonsof Liberty are going to burn boats!

REDCOAT 1We was told to quell an Indianmob..

MOLLYHes quelled! If he were any morequelled hed be asleep!

J.J.I am quite quelled.

REDCOAT 2I dont regard a man as quole untilhes behind bars.

REDCOAT 1Well be back for you boat-burnersin a tickly mo. Come along, JohnnySavage.

The Redcoats lead J.J. off.

WINTHROPOh well, at least this has been anet enwhitening for the paper.

His colleagues are not amused.


15/34

14.

We ascend to some height and see the full scale of the crowdnow massing along the docks. Dirty snow lines all the roads.We accelerate to the end of the jetties, where a mob ofmasked Sons of Liberty are chanting

SONS OF LIBERTY

Burn! Burn!

BACK to the gang.

WINTHROPThey intend to sink the Beaver!

MOLLYOr burn it! We need to get on it.

HORACEGood show, my girl!

WINTHROPBut wait, itll be ablaze, no? Orsunk. Or - (looking to Horace) isthere an element I oerlook?

HORACEYes, wherever there is incident,there you shall find the John Bull,taking quotations from the Captainas he and the journalist go downwith the ship.

Molly finds a rowboat with an old sea-dog in it.

MOLLYAhoy, matey!

The Sea-Dog raises a musket.

WINTHROPHes got a gun! He could massacreone of us!

MOLLYJust want to hire your boat.

SEA-DOGNot for hire, girly.

MOLLYWell put you in the paper. Ourartist will draw you.


16/34

15.

SEA-DOGWhich paper?

HORACE(proudly)

The John Bull.

Sea-dog cocks his musket.

MOLLYHow about this pocket-watch?

Sea-dogs eyes narrow.

EXT. ROWBOAT - DAY

Molly, Winthrop, Horace and the Sea-Dog in the stern of therowboat.

WINTHROPDoesnt this thing go any faster?

Pull out to reveal two SLAVES in the front of the boat,rowing, and glowering at Winthrop.

WINTHROPCome on, put a bit of joy in it!

The Sea-Dog is looking at his new pocket watch.

HORACELovely watch! I have the same

model.

He begins to search for it in various pockets, but will beunable to find it.

Winthrop has taken the seat of one of the slaves, and isshowing him how to row.

WINTHROPCleave THEN feather, got it?

SLAVENo...?

In the stern, Molly panics.

MOLLYTheyre boarding the ship! Theyreruining the revolution!


17/34

16.

HORACEOh no no, we English dont reallydo revolutions. Parliament willsort this out. Gradual change,thats the English way.

EXT. HMS BEAVER - DAY

A number of tenders & rowboats butting up against the HMSBeaver in Boston Harbor, some trying to get out and climbthe rigging aboard. The crew are preventing it.

CAPTAINOh god, are you the Sons ofLiberty, come to burn my ship?

SON OF LIBERTYYes! No! We are a band of savageMohawks, on a crime-spree!

CAPTAINLook, Im not for Parliament, Ilive in Nantucket, Im just hereto sell my tea and chocolate. Doyou want it or not?

Pause.

SON OF LIBERTYWhat kind of chocolate.

CAPTAIN

Well its unsweetened --

SONS OF LIBERTYBurn it! Death to the King!

All swarm onto the ship.

EXT. HMS BEAVER - MAIN DECK

Several Sons of Liberty are trying to get a fire lit. TheBulls staff has boarded as well.

WINTHROPYoud think a Mohawk could light afire.

SON OF LIBERTYIts the wrong type of flint.


18/34

17.

SON OF LIBERTYThere is only one type of flint.Flint!

YARDLEY is there, and turns to see Winthrop. Zoom on hisenraged face.

YARDLEYFlint!

WINTHROPShit.

Winthrop flees.

SON OF LIBERTYTry a circular motion.

SON OF LIBERTYCaptain, please could we have a

light?

We pull out and see the CAPTAIN enjoying a smoke on a pipe.The Captain shakes his head.

MOLLYCaptain -- Ill give you thispocket-watch if I can only get intoyour hold, at once.

EXT. ROWBOAT - DAY

The Sea-Dog is patting his pockets looking for his newpocket watch.

EXT. BEAVER - DECK

CAPTAIN(taking the watch.)

So, its true what they say aboutthe girls of Cape Cod?

MOLLYWhat? No. I mean, I must go belowdecks this instant.

CAPTAINMiss, I understand COMPLETELY.

MOLLYNo! (conspiratorially.) There issomething given to you by a womanin Portsmouth that you must nowgive to me.


19/34

18.

CAPTAIN...you WANT it?

MOLLYAT ONCE.

CAPTAINThen I suppose wed better gobelow.

The captain leads the way down a bulkhead. From off-screen:

SON OF LIBERTYBlow on it!

INT. BEAVER - CARGO HOLD

The captain follows Molly down, and begins to remove hispantaloons.

CAPTAINNow before you say anything, no,theres not "two of them."

Molly brains him with a fire-iron, and catches thepocket-watch as it flies out of his hand.

She sees a red attache case with a large ROYAL COAT OF ARMSon it.

INT. BEAVER - DECK

The Sons of Liberty are at a loss. How can they destroy theship without fire?

Yardley is chasing Winthrop around deck with his gun. Butthere are long pauses between each firing.

SON OF LIBERTYIs there nothing here we can break?

YARDLEYBreak him! You had her in the coalcellar, sir?

WINTHROPI DID NO SUCH -- oh the actualroom, you mean.

SON OF LIBERTYTheres a sail we could rip?


20/34

19.

SON OF LIBERTY(whining)

Its already ripped!

Horace scoffs.

HORACE

Try as you like, you cannot quellthe winds of trade, brigands.

He scoops some tea from a chest, letting it run between hishands.

HORACEAs long as they dont interferewith the East India Companysprecious royal tea, mmm, thislittle leaf keeps the Empirerunning, its the kings authoritymade manifest.

Pause. The Sons of Liberty look at each other.

SONS OF LIBERTYBreak the tea!

SON OF LIBERTYIt wont break!

SON OF LIBERTYWetten it!

SON OF LIBERTYBring some water up!

The Sons of Liberty painstakingly draw a bucket of water upfrom the sea.

SON OF LIBERTYDouse it! Douse it until it is wet!

But now Yardley has run Winthrop to ground.

YARDLEYI have you now. If Ive correctly

stuffed guncotton into thebreechpan, while adequately fillingthe flintnap with saltpetre, andthe hammercock does not jam norsimply fall off, then my musketmini-ball will be the end of you,Winthrop Flint.

Flint cringes. Yardley fires. Nothing happens.


21/34

20.

YARDLEYI must have forgotten to prime thepowder sump.

Yardley comes at Winthrop with bare fists.

Winthrop dives off the ship.

A Son of Liberty sees him do it, nudges the man next to him,and has an epiphany:

SON OF LIBERTYWait - what if we poured the TEA,onto the WATER?

SON OF LIBERTY(a revelation.)

Thats it! Well break theocean! Start dumping!

Molly walks back on deck carrying a small chest, sees theSons of Liberty heaving the tea into the harbor.

A Son of Liberty grabs Mollys miniature chest and tosses itoverboard.

MOLLYHey!

Horace! My chest is sinking!

HORACE

Well, you are seven-and-twenty.

Molly dives into the water. Comes up, hyperventilating.

MOLLYGods BALLS --

She collects the chest, and uses it for buoyancy while sheswims to the Sea-Dogs boat, where Winthrop is chatteringwith cold, wrapped in a blanket.

The Sea-Dog brings her in with a boat-hook.

SEA-DOGYou wouldnt happen to know wheremy pocket watch got to, would ya?

Molly produces it with a shivering hand.


22/34

21.

INT. BEAVER - DECK

The Sons of Liberty are looting the ship.

SON OF LIBERTYDown with the tax! Tax is theft!

SAM ADAMSGentlemen, if we debase ourselvesas vandals we shall lose ourface! Its not tax we hate, itsthe lack of representation!

SON OF LIBERTYIts like the macaroni said, thetea represents Britain, innit?

SAM ADAMSThat man has made a mockery of my

revolution.

In the midst of the chaotic vandalism, Horace isinterviewing a Son of Liberty, taking notes with quill andparchment.

SON OF LIBERTYThe main fing, you see, is TAX.Its against Nature to take what aman has and give it to another,innit.

The man accepts a chest of tea from a fellow Son and passes

it onto the next man, like a bucket brigade.

SON OF LIBERTYWhat paper did you say this wasfor, then?

HORACEThe John Bull, sir.

EXT. ROWBOAT - DECK

Horace is thrown into the harbor.

The old sea-dog fishes him up.

Molly is slipping two steel printing plates out of the chestand into her coat.

The slaves watch silently and row.


23/34

22.

As the rowboat moves toward the dock, we ascend to see thewhole vista: now many chests are floating in the harborwater around the Beaver...

A current is taking them in a tide toward a distant jetty...

EXT. JETTY - DAY

Where they are being scooped up, and emptied into bags...

EXT. MAIN QUAY - DAY

Which are carried to the main quay, where they are emptiedinto a large kettledrum around which Erasmus has set up asort of lemonade stand with LIBER-TEA written on it.

He decants a mug of brackish tea into a cup.

ERASMUS

Free tea!

A SON OF LIBERTY in a now bedraggled Mohawk mask comes for acup.

ERASMUSNo, its not free, its FREED.Hapenny.

The Son grudgingly hands over a hapenny.

SON OF LIBERTYOye, its briny!

ERASMUSThats the American style. Unsaltedtea is for loyal Tories!

SON OF LIBERTYWell Im no Tory!

He guzzles the tea. He grimaces.

SON OF LIBERTYFor America!

He kind of wants some more to take the taste away.

ERASMUSAh! Refills are tuppence. Onaccount of supply and demand.


24/34

23.

SON OF LIBERTYWhat? Thats outrageous!

ERASMUS(suspicious & menacing.)

You sound like the King.

The redcoats return. They come up to Erasmus.

REDCOATYou wouldnt happen to be on theJohn Bull payroll currently, wouldyou, Eramsus?

ERASMUSAbsolutely not, constable. Ive myKings Fee right here.

Erasmus offers a handful of coins.

REDCOATCertainly seems to be in order. Butif you hear of any wrongdoin, tipus the wink. Eventually a clue willpresent isself.

Molly, Winthrop, and Horace pull up in the rowboat.

MOLLYRaz! Ive committed a high crimeagainst the King by plundering theBeaver!

She sees the redcoat.

MOLLYShit.

REDCOATYoure nicked, Im afraid.

MOLLYI thought you dont arrest women.

REDCOATYour actions have rendered youlegally male.

MOLLYDo I get to vote?

Everyone laughs heartily, for a long time. As they die down.


25/34

24.

REDCOAT(Wiping his eye.)

...funny cos its true.

END OF ACT II

ACT III

INT. SHERIFFS OFFICE

Horace arguing with the SHERIFF, trying to get Molly and JJreleased.

HORACEYou imprison two innocents whilethe brigands run free! Arrest theSons of Liberty!

SHERIFFWhat, all of em? Some of em are

pillars of the community! You,however, edit the Bull.

HORACEWe report the truth!

SHERIFFThat jar could not possibly holdeight thousand taffies.

HORACEFor the final time, some wereBEHIND the jar! Sir, my menwere innocent, we were not part ofthe party!

SHERIFFEvery single perpetrator waswearing your negro masks!

HORACEIts Guy Fawkes!

SHERIFFYou made Guy Fawkes your man of the

year?

HORACEIts not an endorsement!

SHERIFFThe medias been inciting people toviolence for too long. Im nippingit in the bud.


26/34

25.

INT. JAIL CELL

Molly and J.J. are locked together in a cell.

There are other ruffians with them, whose dirty hands keepcreeping close to Mollys person to cop a feel. She swats

them away unthinkingly, like mosquitoes.

J.J. is casually doodling with pencil and parchment.

J.J.I dont want to sound likeWinthrop, but brown stock really isinferior.

MOLLYWhy are you so blase about this?

J.J.

Aw, this is your first time beingoppressed, isnt it. For me, thisis baseline. Plus Im not reallypolitical.

MOLLYDuring your incredibly quick trialfor rebellion, do you think thatmight be the right time to getpolitical?

J.J.Its not really a survival skill

for a Mohawk. Ive never voted, youknow.

MOLLYDo you even have a vote?

J.J.I dont want one!

MOLLYYoure not a landowner.

J.J.(pshaw)

You cant "own" land.

Meanwhile the ruffians are getting very handsy.

MOLLYYou got to be in the game to winit, J.J., the patriarchy is real,

(MORE)


27/34

26.

MOLLY (contd)if were going to seize the meansof production we first need toacknowledge those who control itnow can you stop me from beingmolested?

J.J.I dont know, can you own land?

MOLLYJ.J.!

She has pulled the printing plates from her coat and isusing them to swat at the hands.

J.J.I mean can you own people?

MOLLYGods teeth J.J.! Americans can!But soon we will work to a -- okay,no!

J.J.Say it properly...

MOLLY"Neither people nor land constitutea class of property."

J.J.

Fine.

A noise like a cross between an angelic choir and an Indianhowl fills the room, and in a blur of fabric J.J. has stuckvarious pencils in various necks and hands. The ruffians areall pinned to the walls and otherwise disabled. J.J. is notruffled in the slightest.

MOLLYChrist. Whered you learn that.

J.J.At Camp. Eh, it was more of a fort.Strictly speaking, it was a war.What are those plates?

Hurriedly putting them away.

MOLLYNew class of property.


28/34

27.

INT. JOHN BULL PRINTING SHOP

ERASMUSThis is your worst headline yet.

WINTHROP

Oh? I thought it rather neat.

Erasmuss print shop. The press is grinding away on a firstprinting of the paper.

C.U. John Bull mockup: TEA-POCALYPSE

ERASMUSYou cannot write.

WINTHROPComing from an illiterate!

ERASMUSIm not illiterate. I set all thetype!

WINTHROPWell, youre black, anyway.

ERASMUS(quoting)

"Sons of Liberty cause hansom cabshortage"

WINTHROP

It was awful.

HORACEIt was.

ERASMUSAnd what the fuck is this cartoon?

A political cartoon, where two characters have speechbubbles containing at least 500 words apiece. Horace clearlywrote the screeds first, then drew the characters coweringunder their weight.

HORACEIt is keen satire, sir! I evenlabeled the piglets, see,forthrightfulness and anathema.

Erasmus just looks at him.


29/34

28.

ERASMUSYeah, we need to get Molly & JJ.

SAM ADAMS (O.S.)Stop the press!

Sam Adams has arrived with 20 Sons of Liberty behind him,brandishing knives and clubs.

SAM ADAMSPlease forgive the intrusion, Iwould like to convene an impromptumeeting, just entre nous?

HORACEMr Adams, why do you bring thistide of thuggery into our newsroom?

SAM ADAMS

I think we can all agree yesterdaygot a bit out of hand, and I put itto you, as loyal Englishmen, twerebest not to further antagonize theCrown, by, oh, telling them aboutit?

HORACEYou would have us lie in the Bull?

SAM ADAMS & SONS OF LIBERTYNo no no, well, yes.

SAM ADAMSWhen there are so many moreEDIFYING stories you could run - Iheard Mrs Cabot was quitePEREMPTORY with Mrs Lowell - here,I have taken the liberty of drawingup a SATIRICAL CARTOON -

SATIRICAL CARTOON: Two old ladies sitting at a table, samesetup as Horaces.

Horace laughs delightedly.

HORACEA damned fine wit! But the JohnBull prints nothing but the Truth,sir.

WINTHROPAnd the taffy guess.


30/34

29.

SAM ADAMSNow, hm, see here, we areadamantine you do not run thisstory.

He pulls out a document.

SAM ADAMSI have prepared a few words...

SON OF LIBERTYThats a nice press you got there.

ERASMUSIs that a threat?

SON OF LIBERTY 1No. Thats the Empress 2.

SON OF LIBERTY 2I believe the Threat is out nextyear.

SON OF LIBERTY 1You can tell from the moulding.

SON OF LIBERTY 2Still, well burn it if you run thestory.

SON OF LIBERTY 1Mmm.

HORACENever! Every man at the John Bullwould sooner perish in flames thanprint an incorrect word.

WINTHROPExcept in the word jumble.

SAM ADAMSLet there be no talk of perishing,I entreat you listen to our humbleand principled stance on--

Breaking glass and the whump of a fire taking.

Sam Adams stamps it out.

SAM ADAMSGods Wounds, Hancock!


31/34

30.

ERASMUSGentlemen, I have another draftlying around...

It reads, "Brave Undercover Liberty Lovers Scuttle HousesIntolerable Taxation."

Subhead: "Honorable Act of Principled Protest AgainstTyranny."

SAM ADAMSThat... is a good start. I supposeit was quite principled. Yes.

ERASMUSNo man who reads this can fail tosee true honor of the Sons ofLiberty!

The Sons of Liberty murmur their approval.

SON OF LIBERTYCan it say "blackest tyranny"?

ERASMUSWhy would you want it to say that.

SON OF LIBERTYBecause "black" means bad, nasty,diseased, full of sin andcorruption...

CU on Erasmuss stare.

SAM ADAMSNo no, Intolerables fine. Yes.Good work. We approve. Print this!

ERASMUSAh, but cant print with two of ourfellows in jail.

SAM ADAMSNo?

ERASMUSNo. The ink wont take.

HORACEWhat does that mean, the ink wonttake?


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31.

ERASMUSIt means, we need Molly and JJ outof jail.

SAM ADAMSIf we secure their release, will

you run this admirable story?

HORACENever, sir! Burn us to the groundsir, we embrace death with gladcries and will haunt you all thedays of your--

CLUNK.

Winthrop has brained him with a large tool.

WINTHROP

Deal.

INT. JAIL CELL

MOLLYAnd government would provide healthcare for all! No man will have todie because he cant afford his ownleeching.

J.J.Itll all be paid for by taxes onhemp and whale oil. I wish we could

be around to see it.

MOLLYJ.J... Before we die on themorrow... I wish I had known thetouch of a man.

J.J. and Molly lean in close.

Erasmus comes up to the cell.

ERASMUSGood news, you wont be dyingtomorrow!

J.J.(under his breath)

Fuck.


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32.

ERASMUSAll right courtly lovers, lets getback to work.

He unlocks the cell door.

J.J.Aaand were out.

MOLLYHow did you get us freed?

ERASMUSI consulted with some loyalsubjects of the king.

They pass through the sheriffs office, which is aflame,with Sons of Liberty running around bashing things withclubs.

INT. JOHN BULL PRINT SHOP

Horace is coming to, with a big bump on the back of hishead.

ERASMUSThey knocked you out, they broughtin Molly and J.J., and they forcedus to print the paper!

HORACEThose hobbledehoys! Winthrop, let

us write a screed about the folliesof youth!

The two white men head off. They are very busy andimportant.

ERASMUSNow Molly, we need to talk aboutthose printing plates. The ones...for the... SPECIAL paper?

He looks askance at J.J.

MOLLYIts OK, hes one of us.

J.J.Im an impartial observer.

Erasmus shows Molly a sheet of counterfeit banknotes,printed with Mollys secret plates.


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33.

J.J. looks them over.

ERASMUSAre they not a beautifully executedlikeness of His Majesty?

J.J.Theyre beautiful! I think theyllbe valuable wherever "ponuds" areaccepted!

Erasmus looks at the misspelled banknotes, horrified.

INT. NEWSROOM - LATER

Horace looks through the new issue of the John Bull.

WINTHROPI was forced to recompose the Word

Jumble to fit the space. I fear itssecret meaning may be too obscured.

Horace groans.

WINTHROPAt some point we WILL have to giveaway the jar of candies.

Horace is looking at the front page, where Erasmussheadline is printed like an acrostic. Down the side:BULLSHIT.

END

the john bull: pilot

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