the drowsy chaperone - script

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Full script of the musical The Drowsy Chaperone

TRANSCRIPT

Page 1: The Drowsy Chaperone - Script

Page | 1

Music and Lyrics by Lisa Lambert and Greg Morrison

Book by Bob Martin and Don McKellar

Page 2: The Drowsy Chaperone - Script

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Characters

Man in Chair

Mrs. Tottendale

Underling

Robert Martin

George

Feldzieg

Kitty

Gangster #1

Gangster #2

Adolpho

Janet Van De Graaff

The Drowsy Chaperone

Trix the Aviatrix

Superintendant

Ensemble:

Staff

Reporters

Etc.

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Musical Numbers 1. Overture Pg. 6

1a. Opening Scene Pg. 6

2. Fancy Dress Pg. 8

2b. Macaroons Pg. 17

3. Robert’s Entrance Pg. 19

4. Cold Feets Pg. 19

5. Wedding Bells #1 Pg. 22

5a. Janet by the Pool Pg. 23

6. Show Off Pg. 24

6a. Show Off – Playoff Pg. 27

6b. Show Off Encore Pg. 27

6c. Spit Take Pg. 31

6d. Janet’s Bridal Suite Pg. 35

7. As We Stumble Along Pg. 36

7a. Stumble Playoff Pg. 37

8. Adolpho Pg. 39

8a. Adolpho Playoff Pg. 41

8b. “Accident” Preprise Pg. 41

9. Accident Waiting to Happen Pg. 44

9a. I Sure Did Pg. 45

9b. Kitty, The Incomprehensible Pg. 46

10. Toledo Surprise Pg. 48

10a. Act 1 Finale Pg. 53

11. Message From A Nightingale Pg. 56

12. Bride’s Lament Pg. 59

13. Vaudeville Entrance Pg. 64

14. Love Is Always Lovely Pg. 65

14a. Incidental Pg. 67

15. Accident Underscore Pg. 69

16. Kitty, The Incredible Pg. 71

17. Wedding Bells #2 Pg. 73

18. I Do, I Do, In The Sky Pg. 74

19. Finale Ultimo Pg. 79

20. Bows Pg. 80

21. Exit Music Pg. 80

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Songs By Character

MAN IN CHAIR

12. Bride’s Lament

19. Finale Ultimo

MRS. TOTTENDALE

2. Fancy Dress

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

14. Love Is Always Lovely

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

UNDERLING

2. Fancy Dress

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

14. Love Is Always Lovely

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

ROBERT

2. Fancy Dress

4. Cold Feets

8a. Accident Preprise

9. Accident Waiting To Happen

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

GEORGE

2. Fancy Dress

4. Cold Feets

5. Wedding Bells #1

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

17. Wedding Bells #2

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

FELDZIEG

2. Fancy Dress

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

KITTY

2. Fancy Dress

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

11. Message from a Nightingale

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

ADOLPHO

2. Fancy Dress

8. Adolpho

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

11. Message from a Nightingale

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

JANET

2. Fancy Dress

6. Show Off

6b. Show Off Encore

7. As We Stumble Along

9. Accident Waiting to Happen

10a. Act 1 Finale

12. Bride’s Lament

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

DROWSY

2. Fancy Dress

7. As We Stumble Along

8. Adolpho

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

11. Message from a Nightingale

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

TRIX

2. Fancy Dress

17. Wedding Bells #2

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

GANGSTERS #1 & #2

2. Fancy Dress

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

11. Message from a Nightingale

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

ENSEMBLE

2. Fancy Dress

6. Show Off

7. As We Stumble Along

10. Toledo Surprise

10a. Act 1 Finale

12. Bride’s Lament

17. Wedding Bells #2

18. I Do, I Do In The Sky

19. Finale Ultimo

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PROLOGUE - The theatre is dark. A voice from the stage addresses the waiting audience.

MAN

I hate theatre. Well, it's so disappointing, isn't it? You know what I do when I'm sitting in a

darkened theatre waiting for the show to begin? I pray. Oh, dear God, please let it be a good

show. And let it be short, oh Lord in heaven, please. Two hours is fine, three hours is too much.

And keep the actors out of the audience, God. I didn't pay good money to have the fourth wall

come crashing down around my ears. I just want a story, and a few good songs that will take me

away. I just want to be entertained. I mean, isn't that the point? Amen.

(pause)

You know there was a time when people sat in darkened theatres and thought to themselves,

"what have George and Ira got for me tonight?" Or "Can Cole Porter pull it off again?" Can you

imagine? Now it's, "Please, Elton John, must we continue this charade?" It used to be, sitting

there in the dark, you knew that when the lights came up you would be taken to another world,

a world full of color and music and glamour. And you thought to yourself, "My God when are

they going to bring up the lights?"

(lights up)

Oh, how things have changed. Hello. How are we today? I'm feeling a little blue myself. You

know, a little anxious for no particular reason, a little sad that I should feel anxious at this age,

you know, a little self-conscious anxiety resulting in non-specific sadness: a state that I call

"blue". Anyway, whenever I'm feeling this way, blue, I like to listen to my music. So, I was going

through my records this morning - yes, records - and I was about to put on the sound track

recording of Meredith Willson's THE MUSIC MAN. I had a craving for a young Ronny Howard.

But then I said "No! Let's have a treat! Let's disappear for a while into the decadent world of

the 1920's. When the champagne flowed while the caviar chilled and all the world was a party"

- for the wealthy anyway. So, I dug about and what did I find –

(extracting a record)

– but one of my favorite shows Gable and Stein's "The Drowsy Chaperone;" Remember? Music

by Julie Gable, lyrics by Sidney Stein. It's a two record set, re-mastered from the original

recording made in 1928. It's the full show with the original cast including Beatrice Stockwell as

the Chaperone. Isn't she elegant? And this is a full 15 years before she became Dame Beatrice

Stockwell. Can you believe it? Let me read to you what it says on the back - it says "Mix-ups,

mayhem and a gay wedding!" Of course the phrase ‘gay wedding’ has a different meaning now,

but back then it just meant fun. And that's just what the show is - fun. So…would you…indulge

me? Would you let me play the record for you now? I was hoping you would say yes.

(He puts the record on the record player. He places the needle.)

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MAN (CONT'D)

You hear that static? I love that sound. To me, it's the sound of a time machine starting up.

#1 – Overture

(The recorded overture begins.)

Alright now, let's visualize. Imagine if you will, it's November 1928. You've just arrived at the

doors of the Morosco Theatre in New York. It's very cold - remember when it used to be cold in

November? Not anymore. November is the new August now. It's global warming - we're all

doomed - anyway... It's very cold and a heavy grey sleet is falling from the sky but you don't

care because you're going to see a Broadway show! Listen!

(He settles back and listens for a moment)

Isn't this wonderful?

(He listens)

It helps if you close your eyes.

(He listens. A kettle on the stove begins to whistle. MAN runs over to the stove and dances while

he makes himself a cup of tea.)

Overtures. Overtures are out of style now. I miss them. It's the show's way of welcoming you.

"Hello, welcome. The meal will be served shortly, but in the meantime, would you like an

appetizer?" That's what an overture is, a musical appetizer. A Pu-pu platter of tunes, if you will.

(He listens)

Oh! Something new! What could it be? Sounds like a dance number. Kind of rollicking. Maybe

involving pirates! Don't worry. There are no pirates.

(He runs back to his chair as the music segues from a mono recording to a live orchestra.)

Now. Here it comes. The moment when the music starts to build and you know you're only

seconds away from being transported.

(The overture builds to its conclusion.)

The curtain is going up. I can't wait!

#1a – Opening Scene

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SCENE 1: TOTTENDALE'S ENTRANCE HALL - MORNING

(UNDERLING enters, followed by MRS.TOTTENDALE.)

TOTTENDALE

Underling?

UNDERLING

Yes madam?

TOTTENDALE

How do I look?

UNDERLING

You look radiant, Mrs. Tottendale.

TOTTENDALE

I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style.

UNDERLING

It's a miracle, madam.

TOTTENDALE

Now, the guests will be arriving shortly?

UNDERLING

Yes madam.

TOTTENDALE

And why are they coming?

UNDERLING

For the wedding madam.

TOTTENDALE

The wedding? Of course. Oh, I love a wedding. I shall put on my fancy dress.

UNDERLING

You’re wearing it, madam.

TOTTENDALE

Silly me. Oh, I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style. When will the guests be arriving?

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UNDERLING

They will be here shortly, madam.

TOTTENDALE

Oh! I shall go put on my fancy dress.

UNDERLING

Oh, Mrs. Tottendale!

#2 – Fancy Dress

TOTTENDALE

MY DRESS! MY DRESS!

MY FANCY DRESS

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M WEARING IT

I MUST CONFESS

MY DRESS! MY DRESS!

I LOVE MY DRESS

WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I PUT IT ON?

UNDERLING

YES! YES! YOUR DRESS

YOUR FANCY DRESS

'TWAS SUCH A PLEASURE AIRING IT

RE-STITCHING AND REPARING IT

GOD BLESS YOUR DRESS!

IT'S ONE FINE DRESS!

AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY YOU PUT IT ON

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING

WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME

MADAM YOU'RE THE HOSTESS

AND IT'S HAPPY WEDDING TIME

UNDERLING & TOTTENDALE

WEDDING BELLS WILL DING

WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG

WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING

AND WE WILL DING ALONG

STAFF

YOUR DRESS! YOUR DRESS!

YOUR FANCY DRESS

WE'RE VERY, VERY GLAD YOU PUT IT ON

(Instrumental door chimes)

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UNDERLING

Ah!

WEDDING GUESTS HAVE COME

ALL

WEDDING GUESTS ARE HERE

WEDDING GUESTS ARE AT THE DOOR

AND SOON THEY WILL APPEAR

(The servants open the door)

ROBERT

I'M ROBERT, THE BRIDEGROOM

I'M HERE TO MARRY JANET

THAT STAR OF FELDZIEG'S FOLLIES

WHOM I LOVE A LOT

GEORGE

I'M GEORGE! THAT'S GEORGE!

HIS BEST MAN GEORGE

I'M HONORED TO BE DOING

WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT

GEORGE

Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now, don't worry. I have this whole wedding planned out. The key is

organization. See? (holding up his fingers, each with a string tied around it) Each string

represents a task yet to be completed. Pay the musicians, yell at the florist, book the Minister.

This whole wedding's going to run like clockwork.

TOTTENDALE

Oh, is there going to be a wedding?

FELDZIEG

I'M FELDZIEG, PRODUCER

I LOST MY LEADING LADY

I GOT TO STOP THIS WEDDING

OR I'M NOT WORTH SQUAT

KITTY

I'M KITTY! JUST KITTY!

I CAME WITH MR. FELDZIEG

I'LL BE A LEADING LADY

IF I GET MY SHOT

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GANGSTER #1

WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS

GANGSTER #2

WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

WE CROSS OUR HEARTS WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS

GANGSTER #1

NO FAKERY!

GANGSTER #2

A BAKERY

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

IS WHAT WE GOT

ALDOLPHO

ALDOLPHO! ALDOLPHO!

MY NAME IT IS ALDOLPHO

I AM THE KING OF ROMANCE

SO I KISS A LOT

ALL

YOU ARE THE KING OF ROMANCE

SO YOU KISS A LOT

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING!

WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME!

WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE

A HAPPY WEDDING TIME

(gasp)

SOMEONE HASN'T COME

SOMEONE ISN'T HERE

WHERE IS JANET VAN DE GRAAFF

AND WHEN WILL SHE APPEAR? (JANET enters.)

IT'S JANET! IT'S JANET

IT'S JANET VAN DE GRAAFF

JANET

I'M JANET, JANET VAN DE GRAAFF

HERE TO MARRY ROBERT MARTIN

GIVING UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR

TO TIE THE KNOT

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DROWSY

Am I late?

I'M THE CHAPERONE

CHAPERONE OF JANET VAN DE GRAAFF

MAID OF HONOR, FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE

AND ALL THAT ROT

Where's the bar?

ALL

A WEDDING! A WEDDING! HOORAY!

UNDERLING

(To CHAPERONE who is pulling out a flask) It's Prohibition, Madam.

ALL

A WEDDING! A WEDDING! HOW GAY!

DROWSY

Good thing I brought my own.

ALL

A WEDDING! A WEDDING! TODAY!

DROWSY

(she drinks) Champagne makes me drowsy.

ALL

IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!

(airplane sound cue)

ALL (CONT'D)

TRULY HAPPENING

(airplane sound cue)

ALL (CONT'D)

ALMOST HAPPENING

(airplane sound cue)

ALL (CONT'D)

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

(airplane sound cue)

TRIX

I'M TRIX THE AVIATRIX

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QUEEN OF THE SKY

I CIRCLE THROUGH THE STRATUS

IN MY MODERN APPARATUS

I'M TRIX THE AVIATRIX

I'VE GOTTA FLY

I'LL SEE YA' WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT

(The man turns down the volume.)

Man (overlapping with music)

Well there you have it, all the guests have

arrived. We have a bride who's giving up

the stage for love, her debonair

bridegroom, a harried producer, jovial

gangsters posing as pastry chefs, a flaky

chorine, a Latin lothario, and an aviatrix;

what we now call a lesbian. And, of course,

my favorite character, the Drowsy

Chaperone. What more do you need for

an evening's entertainment?

ALL

A WEDDING, A WEDDING HOORAY!

WOMEN

DING-A-LING,

TENORS

DING-A-LING,

BASSES

DING-A-LING

ALL

A WEDDING, A WEDDING

A WEDDING'S COMING OUR WAY

A WEDDING, A WEDDING, TODAY

DING-A-LING, DING-A-LING, DING-A-LING

IT'S REALLY HAPPENING

TRULY HAPPENING

ALMOST HAPPENING

SURELY HAPPENING

ALL

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING!

WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME!

WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE

A HAPPY WEDDING TIME

WEDDING BELLS WILL DING

WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG

WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING

AND WE WILL DING ALONG!

TRIX

HOW I LOVE

LOVE A WEDDING

YES I LOVE

LOVE A WEDDING

AH!

LISTEN TO THOSE BELLS

WE WILL DING ALONG

MAN (CONT'D)

Wasn't that wonderful! "And we will ding-a-long"; I don't even know what that means! Alright,

I'll lead you through this record as best I can. Don't worry, it won't be hard to follow. So, we

begin with a welcome from the love struck groom.

(ALL Laugh)

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ROBERT

Well, I just wanted to thank you all for coming. I tell you I must be some lucky fellow. Why, who

would have thought that I, Robert Martin, would be marrying a glamorous showgirl, and that

that glamorous showgirl would be willing to give up a successful career for me, Robert Martin.

ALL

Oh!

ROBERT

Now, if it wasn't for prohibition, I'd say let's raise a glass -

DROWSY

(Drowsy raises a glass) Here! Here!

ROBERT

- to Miss Janet Van De Graaff - the most beautiful girl in the world.

GEORGE

Absolutely not! (ALL gasp!)

ROBERT

Excuse me!

GEORGE

The groom mustn't see his bride on the day of the wedding. It's bad luck!

MAN

I hope you heard that, because that's the plot. Basically. Hang on for the ride!

UNDERLING

Breakfast will be served in the Arabian Room.

GEORGE

(to CHAPERONE) Say, It's a little early in the day to be drinking, isn't it?

DROWSY

I don't understand the question.

GEORGE

Uh-Uh Look. You keep Janet away from Robert, you understand? You're the chaperone; that's

your only job.

DROWSY

Aye Aye, mon Capitaine!

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JANET

Oh, Robert! Who's my little monkey?

ROBERT

I am! I'm your little monkey. (JANET and ROBERT exit.)

MAN

So, the Bride and Groom are whisked away, and we turn our attention to the B plot which

involves the Producer.

KITTY

Mr. Feldzieg?

FELDZIEG

Getting married and leaving show business.

KITTY

Mr. Feldzieg?

FELDZIEG

Doesn't she know I got obligations?

KITTY

Mr. Feldzieg, I can be your leading lady. You said it yourself - I'm useless in the chorus.

FELDZIEG

Kitty! For the last time, you ain't got what it takes.

KITTY

But, I been taking lessons; Singing. Acting. Ballet.

FELDZIEG

Ballet?

KITTY

Yeah. I'm pretty good too. Last week I auditioned for Swanee Lake.

MAN

A little annotation; Kitty and Feldzieg were a couple in real life: Jack and Sadie Adler. Now, this

is a familiar comic construct: a stupid woman and her long suffering companion. Well, she

appears stupid, but in the end she does something clever and makes everyone wonder whether

it's all just an act. The irony here is that Sadie actually was stupid; Jack had to explain all the

jokes to her apparently. But still, she had a wonderful career on the stage. At that time, the

theatre was the only place where stupid people could earn a decent living. This was before

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television, of course.

FELDZIEG

Kitty I don't have time for this! (Enter GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2)

GANGSTER #1

A petite four, Mr. Feldzeig?

FELDZIEG

Not now. (GANGSTER #2 stops him)

GANGSTER #2

Perhaps a nice profiterole.

FELDZIEG

Boys, I'm not hungry.

GANGSTER #1

Then perhaps we could give you something else to chew on.

GANGSTER #2

Yeah. Something that ain't food.

FELDZIEG

What?

GANGSTER #1

Allow me to elucidate. Although we stand here before you in the guise of innocent pastry chefs,

we are also -

GANGSTER #2

and primarily -

GANGSTER #1

- employees of a certain individual.

FELDZIEG

A certain individual?

GANGSTER #2

A certain individual...

GANGSTER #1

...who happens to be largest single investor in Feldzieg's Follies. He has sent us here -

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GANGSTER #2

As pastry chefs...

GANGSTER #1

... to express his concern about Ms. Van de Graaff's impending nuptials.

GANGSTER #2

Specifically...

GANGSTER #1

...that if she gets married and leaves the show...

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

...then there ain't no show.

KITTY

(to the Gangsters) Don't I know you?

GANGSTER #2

No, you don't.

KITTY

Have you ever spent any time in Toledo?

GANGSTER #1

Have you ever spent any time in a coma?

KITTY

No, but I've got a cousin in Seattle.

FELDZIEG

Kitty. Boys, you tell your boss this wedding is never going to happen. You have my word.

GANGSTER #2

Oh, we'll take your word, alright.

GANGSTER #1

But, to go back on that word - would be a recipe for disaster. Now, we hope we have made

ourselves perfectly éclair.

GANGSTER #2

One cannoli hope.

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GANGSTER #1

You biscotti be kidding me.

GANGSTER #2

A trifle much?

GANGSTER #1

Don't tart with me.

FELDZIEG

Alright. You can drop the pastry chef routine.

GANGSTER #1

Alas, we ganache.

GANGSTER #2

We're on the lamb.

GANGSTER #1

(slapping him) Lamb's an entrée, you macaroon. (Kitty takes a pastry. GANGSTER #1 &

GANGSTER #2 curtsey.)

#2b - Macaroons

MAN

The gangsters were played by vaudeville duo the Tall Brothers: John and Peter Tall. They were

born Abram and Mendel Mosloskowicz, but were renamed at Ellis Island by a sarcastic

immigration official. They were an early example of the typical Broadway gangster: full of word-

play and stylized movements but, really not very intimidating. Unless you find dancers

intimidating, which I do but for reasons that would not be appropriate to this situation.

GANGSTER #1

We'll leave the matter in your hands, Mr. Feldzieg. In the mean time, feel free to browse the

desert carousel.

GANGSTER #2

Try the Toledo Surprise

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

It's to die for. (Gangsters exit.)

KITTY

Holy Cats, Mr. Feldzieg! They're Gangsters.

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FELDZIEG

Very perceptive. Now go powder your face! (KITTY exits.) I've got to stop this wedding but how?

Oh Lord in Heaven how! How?

MAN

I always thought that moment was a little overplayed. So with the story well on its way, let's go

to the Groom's room.

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SCENE 2: ROBERT'S ROOM - MORNING

#3 – Robert’s Entrance

(Robert is putting on his tux. He stares into the mirror and fumbles with his bow tie.)

ROBERT

Hey there, handsome. Show me those pearly whites.

MAN

The groom was played by the dashing Percy Hyman. He started out as the All Bright toothpaste

man. His fabulous smile adorned every tube. All Bright was hugely popular in the early twenties,

because it contained cocaine. It's true. If you looked at the label it was the fifth ingredient

down, right after 'sugar'. Anyway, it wasn't long before he became a huge matinee idol.

ROBERT

Now don't worry. It's perfectly normal for a groom to be nervous on his wedding day. It is? Of

course.

MAN

I love Percy Hyman. Some people say he was a bad actor, but to those people I say, "shut-up".

#4 – Cold Feets

ROBERT

HEY THERE MISTER MIRROR MAN

SHAKIN' AND A'QUAKIN'

TREMBLIN' LIKE DA' FRAIDY CATS DO

SOMETHIN' BIG BE BOTHERIN' YOU

You know what you got...

COLD FEETS

COLD FEETS

BROTHER YOU GOT COLD FEETS

YOU CAN MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS HOT

WITH A LITTLE RHYTHM

YOUNG FEETS

OLD FEETS

CAN BE UNCONTROLLED FEETS

RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS TROT

DOWN THE AISLE

FROSTY ARCHES

THEY CAN LEARN TO SWING

ICY TOES CAN JIVE

WEDDING MARCHES

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PLAYED IN RAGTIME SWING

MAKE FRIGID SOLES COME ALIVE

AND TAKE THAT DIVE

COLD FEETS

SHMOLD FEETS

TURN 'EM INTO BOLD FEETS

RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS

HOT

GEORGE

(entering with phone mid conversation) You don't say? Well, why don't you just slime back into

your mud hole, you back-stabbing worm! (he hangs up) Well, now I have to find another

minister. Say, what are you up to?

ROBERT

I'm singing a song an old friend taught me. A Dixie remedy for wedding day jitters.

GEORGE

You think you've got jitters? You got the easy part! I've still got to get rice, boutonnières, and a

minister! I have the weight of the wedding on my shoulders!

ROBERT

George, it sounds like you've got cold feets.

GEORGE (getting into the rhythm)

WHAT DO I GOT?

ROBERT

COLD FEETS

GEORGE

WHAT DO I WANT?

ROBERT

BOLD FEETS

GEORGE

WHAT DO I DO - SCOLD FEETS?

ROBERT

NOOOOO!

YOU MAKE 'DA COLD FEETS HOT

(Dance break. GEORGE & ROBERT adlib throughout the following...)

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ROBERT

Well, George I never.

GEORGE

I'm just moving my feet.

ROBERT

I didn't know you had it in you.

GEORGE

Neither did I!

(UNDERLING Enters with a tray and two glasses of water. Serves ROBERT and GEORGE and

Exits.)

ROBERT & GEORGE

Five, six, seven, eight...

COLD FEETS COLD FEETS

TURN 'EM INTO BOLD FEETS

RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS HOT

YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT

YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT

YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT

YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT

MAN

Percy Hyman was a wonderful performer. I like to think of him panting and sweating after a

long dance routine. He's still alive, you know. I saw him on the news recently "celebrating" his

100th birthday. To say that the passing years had taken their toll on him, would be a grotesque

understatement. They wheeled him out and he had that wide-eyed expression of pained

confusion that God reserves for the very, very old on their birthdays. You know, the one that

says "Who are you, who am I and why is this cake on fire?" You know what I'm talking about?

Anyway.

GEORGE

Alright, alright. That's enough of that. Dancing around like a fool.

ROBERT

Sorry, George. I was just trying to calm my nerves. It is my wedding day after all.

GEORGE

Well, you could've snapped an ankle. Tap dancing is too dangerous. Why don't you go out for a

skate instead? That's what I do when it want to blow off some steam. (He hands him a pair of

roller skates.)

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ROBERT

George, I don't know what I'd do without you.

GEORGE

Wait a minute. What was I thinking? Oh, n-n-n-no. You're not going out like that, my friend. You

might see Janet. Here, put on this blindfold. He blindfolds him.

ROBERT

George, you think of everything.

GEORGE

Just looking out for you, my boy. And no more tap dancing. (Pushes Robert out the door Robert

exits. George dances. The telephone rings as GEORGE starts singing.)

#5 – Wedding Bells #1

GEORGE

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING

WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME

WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE-

(MAN lifts the needle on the record and waits it out.)

MAN

Just ignore it. It will stop soon. It does this occasionally. It rings. Just ignore it. What? What do

you want? (The machine picks up.) MAN'S VOICE Hello, you have reached my answering

machine. Leave a short message after the tone and I'll call you back at my convenience. (The

machine beeps. A dial tone is heard.) Oh, well, that's it. The moment is ruined. Thank you.

Thank you life. It's like a cell phone going off in a theatre. God, I hate that. "Hello? What are you

doing?" "Oh, I'm at the theatre ruining the moment. How about you?" "Oh, I couldn't get out

tonight so I thought I'd ruin the moment by proxy." Sorry. Sorry. Let's shake that off. Let's go

back in our minds to 1928. They didn't have cell phones in 1928, but I'm sure they had

something for the ruining of moments. Bugles, or something. (He puts the needle back.)

GEORGE

HAPPY WEDDING TIME! (GEORGE exits.)

MAN

So, the scene shifts and we find the bride, the glamorous Janet Van De Graaff entertaining

questions from reporters as she lounges by the pool.

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SCENE 3: TOTTENDALE'S POOL - EARLY AFTERNOON

#5a – Janet By The Pool

REPORTER ONE

Miss Van De Graaff, is it true you're giving up a successful career to marry a man you hardly

know?

JANET

Yes. Robert and I met on the lido deck of the Ile de France. He amused me with stories of his

father's oil interests. We spooned, briefly, and then he proposed.

REPORTER TWO

So, you won't be returning to the stage? Ever?

JANET

I shan't.

REPORTER TWO

You shan't?

JANET

I shan't.

REPORTER ONE

Can we quote you on that?

JANET

Of course. One more question. (DROWSY raises her hand) Yes.

DROWSY

Why in the world would anyone put olives in a Gibson? (Feldzeig and Kitty arrive.)

FELDZIEG

I got a question. How can you give up the footlights when you know very well you got grease

paint in your veins?

JANET

Victor, please.

FELDZIEG

Oh Janet. I am begging you. Dump the mug, stay with the Follies. I'll give you anything you

want. I'll... I'll... oh, fine, I'll put your name above mine on the marquee. (The reporters gasp.)

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JANET

Oh, Victor, if you think this is about vanity, you couldn't be more wrong.

#6 – Show Off

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA SING TUNES NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA RIDE MOONS NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

I DON'T WANNA WEAR THIS NO MORE

PLAY THE SAUCY SWISS MISS NO MORE

BLOW MY SIGNATURE (KISS) NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

(The other guests gather, including the GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2.)

FELDZIEG

Janet please.

JANET

DON'T TRY TO CONTROL ME

I'VE MADE UP MY MIND

AND THAT'S IT

I QUIT

I'M LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND

I DON'T WANNA BE CUTE NO MORE

MAKE THE GENTLEMEN HOOT NO MORE

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

Hey Baby! (whistle)

JANET

I DON'T WANNA WEAR FRUIT NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

ALL

SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE

JANET

Not me!

ALL

READ HER NAME IN THE NEWS NO MORE

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JANET

Page three!

ALL

GET THE GLOWING REVIEWS NO MORE

JANET

Aw, gee

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

ALL

SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

JANET

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

ALL

SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE

OFF NO MORE

JANET

Not me! Weeee!

(Dance break.)

KITTY

Hey! (A snake is charmed out of a basket KITTY screams.)

JANET

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

ALL

AHH

AHH-AHH-AHH

AHH-AHH-AHH

AHH-AHH-AHH

SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF, SHOW OFF

DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE

JANET

PLEASE NO MORE ATTENTION

ALL

AH-AH

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JANET

I'VE COUNTED TO TEN

AND I'M THROUGH

ALL

Farewell!

JANET

ADIEU

ALL

Been Swell!

JANET

YOU'LL NEVER SEE THIS

YOU'LL NEVER SEE THIS

NEVER SEE THIS

NEVER SEE THAT

NEVER SEE THESE AGAIN

I DON'T WANNA CHANGE KEYS NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA STRIPTEASE NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA SAY "CHEESE" NO MORE

I DON'T CARE IF YOU SCOFF

I DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED NO MORE

PRAISED NO MORE

GRABBED NO MORE

TOUCHED NO MORE

LOVED NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

ALL

SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

JANET

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

ALL

SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

JANET V.O.

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

ALL

SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

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JANET

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

NO MORE

#6a – Show Off Play Off

DROWSY

Did I miss something?

GANGSTER #1

Well, Mr. Feldzieg. It is painfully obvious that Miss Van De Graaff has no desire to continue a life

on the stage.

GANGSTER #2

Can't you see it's killing her soul?

FELDZIEG

Don't worry boys. This isn't over yet.

KITTY

Yeah. I'm surprised she didn't do an encore.

#6b – Show Off Encore

JANET

I DON'T WANNA ENCORE NO MORE

KEEP 'EM SHOUTIN' FOR MORE NO MORE

KITTY

More! More!

JANET

DISAPPEAR THROUGH THE FLOOR NO MORE

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

MAN

That was Jane Roberts as the bride. She was the Oops Girl. Remember? Surely you remember

the Oops Girl? Don't you people read? She was billed as the girl who's sexual energy was so

great that it caused the men around her to have accidents: spill their drinks, drive their cars into

trees. And she would go "Oops" Well, I'm not really doing it justice, but people ate it up. She

made a whole series of films; "Oops", "The Oops Girl", "Oops Girl Come Home", and "Oops Girl

at Sea", which won an Oscar for special effects.

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FELDZIEG

Okay, begging and groveling didn't work. On to plan B. And for that I am going to need an

accomplice. Someone gullible with loose morals. I need a, what do you call 'em, a European.

(Aldolpho enters.)

ALDOLPHO

Papi, no se toca mi esposa

MAN

In walks Aldolpho; self proclaimed ladies man. Aldolpho, is played by former silent film start

and world-class alcoholic Roman Bartelli. He was the one who later drank himself to death at

his Chateau in Nice, remember? It was five days before they found the body and by that time it

had been partially consumed by his poodles? Well, he was only partially consumed.

FELDZIEG

Excuse me. I don't believe we've met.

ALDOLPHO

I am Aldolpho.

FELDZIEG

You are Aldolpho?

ALDOLPHO

Yes, I am Aldolpho

FELDZIEG

Not, the Aldolpho.

ALDOLPHO

Yes, I am Aldolpho.

FELDZIEG

Funny, you don't look like a scoundrel.

ALDOLPHO

Yes... What?

FELDZIEG

Why, just now I overheard the Groom saying that Aldolpho is a scoundrel. I just heard him say

that.

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ALDOLPHO

What? Aldolpho a scoundrel!

FELDZIEG

Those very words.

ALDOLPHO

Aldolpho is a scoundrel!

FELDZIEG

It's like I'm hearing it again.

ALDOLPHO

This is outrageous! He is saying this to peoples... to beautiful ladies, with breasts for making

love. Why, I must... I must ...

FELDZIEG

You must, you must take matters into your own hands.

ALDOLPHO

Yes, I must take-a this groom into my hands and kill him!

FELDZIEG

Yes. No. Don't kill him. Just hurt him enough so he can't get married.

ALDOLPHO

Show me to this groom. Wait.

FELDZIEG

What?

ALDOLPHO

What kind of man is this groom? A big man?

FELDZIEG

Well...

ALDOLPHO

A burly fellow?

FELDZIEG

Well, he's big on the outside -

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ALDOLPHO

No. No. No. Aldolpho will not fight big men - small, pale, wheezy, little dwarf people Aldopho

can punt far away - but no big men!

FELDZIEG

So, you're a lover not a fighter.

ALDOLPHO

Yes, Aldolpho is a lover of beautiful ladies. Some say I am the King of Romance.

FELDZIEG

Well, you know what they say, the best way to get revenge on a man is through his...?

ALDOLPHO

Door!

FELDZIEG

No. The best way to get back at a man is through his...

ALDOLPHO

Window!

FELDZIEG

No.. Revenge, back at a man.. through his...

ALDOLPHO

Through his, there is no other ways!! I'm not Santa Claus coming down chimney.

FELDZIEG

Through his woman!!

ALDOLPHO

Ahh! Through his woman!!

FELDZIEG

Yes Aldolpho! You must seduce his woman!!

ALDOLPHO

Eh?

FELDZIEG

His bride!

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ALDOLPHO

Aldolpho will make love to bride! That will show people Aldolpho is no scoundrel! Show me to

this bride! Wait!

FELDZIEG

What?

ALDOLPHO

What kind of woman is this bride? Big woman?

FELDZIEG

No...

ALDOLPHO

Burly woman?

FELDZIEG

No she's the cat's pajamas.

ALDOLPHO

What? Pajamas?

FELDZIEG

She's a looker. An attractive woman.

ALDOLPHO

Show me to this cat in pajamas! I will make her purrrrrr-r. Like a cat... in pajamas.

FELDZIEG

Ahhhh! (Aldolpho and Feldzieg leave.)

MAN

Roman Bartelli chewing the scenery. You certainly couldn't get away with a performance like

that nowadays, could you. Mature contemporary audiences are too sophisticated to enjoy

broad racial stereotypes on the stage, so we've banished them to Disney. Let the children sort

it out.

#6c – Spit Take

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SCENE 4: ENTRANCE HALL - AFTERNOON

Tottendale and Underling enter. Underling is carrying a tray with a single glass on it.

TOTTENDALE

Underling?

UNDERLING

Yes Madam.

TOTTENDALE

The Pastry Chefs have been kind enough to provide the liquor for the party, but remember

Underling, we have to be discreet.

UNDERLING

Yes, madam.

TOTTENDALE

It is prohibition, after all.

UNDERLING

I'm aware of that, madam.

TOTTENDALE

We'll have to use code words. For instance, if someone asks for a glass of ice-water, it means

they want a glass of vodka. Have you got that?

UNDERLING

Yes, madame.

TOTTENDALE

Are you sure? Maybe you should write it down.

UNDERLING

I understand, madam. A glass of ice-water is a glass of vodka.

TOTTENDALE

What's a glass of ice-water?

UNDERLING

Vodka.

TOTTENDALE

Ice water?

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UNDERLING

Vodka.

TOTTENDALE

Ice -

UNDERLING

Vodka.

TOTTENDALE

Alright then. Well, that's settled. One less thing to do. Underling, might I please have a glass of

ice-water? I found our meeting with the pastry chefs rather trying and I would enjoy a glass of

refreshing ice-water.

UNDERLING

Your ice-water madame. (He hands her a glass of water. She takes a sip and spits it in his face.)

TOTTENDALE

That was pure vodka, you poop!

MAN

Oh, I hate this scene.

TOTTENDALE

Well, now I do need a glass of ice-water!

UNDERLING

A glass of "ice-water" madam?

TOTTENDALE

Yes, ice-water. Are you going deaf?

UNDERLING

Would that I were.

MAN

You can see where this is going can't you. It's really just a series of spit takes. (UNDERLING

hands her the glass.)

UNDERLING

Your "ice-water" madam. (She drink and spits it in his face.)

TOTTENDALE

That was pure vodka, you poop!

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MAN

You know, in some ways the Drowsy Chaperone was quite progressive. A black actress playing

the Aviatrix, for instance.

UNDERLING

Your "ice-water" madam. (She drinks, and spits in his face again.)

TOTTENDALE

That was pure vodka, you poop!

MAN

Yes, some elements are quite progressive, others were stale in 1928, you know what? I'm going

to skip ahead.

TOTTENDALE

(spit)

That was -

(spit)

That -

(spit)

That -

(3 head takes)

- poop!

TOTTENDALE (CONT'D)

Where do you think you're going?

UNDERLING

To find some lime juice, madam.

TOTTENDALE

Lime juice? For heaven's sake why?

UNDERLING

I'm going to wring out my eye brows and make myself a gimlet.

MAN

(mopping the stage) Now, you're probably asking yourself, "what was that routine doing in the

show?" Well, it's very simple: there's a song coming up, and they needed something to allow

for the set change. It's mechanics. It's like pornography. Let me explain what I meant by that.

In pornography the story is simplistic - "how do I pay for this pizza" being the classic example.

My point is, as in a musical, the story exists only to connect the longer, more

engaging...production numbers. What? Well, what kind of a society do we live in if we can't

discuss the similarities between pornography and musical theatre?

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#6d – Janet’s Bridal Suite

SCENE 5: JANET'S BRIDAL SUITE - AFTERNOON

JANET

(Looking in the mirror) In a few hours I'm going to be Mrs. Robert Martin. Oh, my head is

spinning. (MAN pulls down the Murphy bed revealing a longing DROWSY. She has an empty

glass in her hand.)

DROWSY

Yes, life is a mad whirlwind.

MAN

This is a really interesting scene. This is the only time in the show that Jane Roberts and

Beatrice Stockwell are alone together on stage. Jane Roberts was a emerging star, but Beatrice

Stockwell was already well established and a force to contend with.

JANET

I'm so full of apprehension, but I suppose that's normal, considering the circumstances. Have

you ever been married, Chaperone?

DROWSY

No. I drink for pleasure, not out of necessity.

(UNDERLING enters.)

UNDERLING

Your "ice water" madam. I'm afraid we're fresh out of olives.

JANET

Have you ever been married Underling?

UNDERLING

Heavens no madam. If I'm going to serve a woman I prefer to be paid for my efforts.

(UNDERLING exits.)

JANET

Oh you two. I know it seems crazy to give up a successful career to marry a man I hardly know,

but somehow, for some reason when I look into his eyes...his big, monkey eyes...ah gee...I get

all woozy. And that's love isn't it?

DROWSY

Not necessarily. The wooziness could be caused by any number of things. I mean, I'm woozy

right now and I'm certainly not in love.

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MAN

Beatrice Stockwell was famous for her rousing anthems. She entertained and inspired the

troops in every major world conflict up to and including the Falklands war. Of course, by that

time she was in her late eighties and her anthems didn't so much rouse as stupefy. Still, she

demanded a rousing anthem in every show she ever did, even if it wasn't appropriate. But you

just couldn't say no to her. That's star power.

JANET

Really you're not being the least bit helpful. Couldn't you at least allay my fears with a few

choice words of inspiration?

DROWSY

Inspiration? Really, dear, that's not my forte.

JANET

Yes. But if you -

#7 – As We Stumble Along

DROWSY

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

INTO THE BLUE

WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE

SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE

NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO

STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY

THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH

BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT

NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG

AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO

IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD

WILL SING HIS SONG

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

JANET

That was quite nice, Chaperone, but I don't see how it pertains to my situation.

DROWSY

Let me explain.

JANET

Oh, really, that's not necessary. I suppose I'm just looking for a sympathetic – (The Chaperone

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pulls the screen on stage in front of Janet.)

DROWSY

IT'S A DISMAL LITTLE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE

IT CAN BORE YA' TIL YOU'VE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE

SEVEN OVER-RATED WONDERS

SEVEN UNDER-WHELMING SEAS

SIX EXCRUCIATING CONTINENTS

ANTARCTICA - OH, PLEASE

MAN

"Antarctica, oh please"

DROWSY

STILL YOU MUSTN'T LET IT LICK YA'

THIS PLANET OH SO BLAND

KEEP YOUR EYEBALL ON THE HIGHBALL

IN YOUR HAND

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

CROSS LIFE'S CROWDED DANCE FLOOR

AS WE PUSH AND WE SHOVE

WE LIVE AND WE LEARN

AND WHEN WE FIN'LLY LEAVE THE BAR

AND WE SEE THAT MORNING STAR

WE PULL OUR BOOT STRAPS UP AND HOMEWARD TURN

THEN WE STUMBLE AWAY

THROUGH DAWN'S BLINDING SUN BEAMS

BARELY KNOWING RIGHT FROM RIGHT

NOR LEFT FROM WRONG

BUT AS LONG AS WE CAN HEAR

THAT LITTLE BLUEBIRD

THERE'LL BE A SONG

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

AS WE STUMBLE, BUMBLE, FUMBLE...

PLUMBLE

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

#7a – Stumble Playoff

MAN

Don't you just love her? Basically, she sings a rousing anthem about alcoholism. That's what I

love about her. She just does her own thing, when she wants, regardless of the needs and

concerns of others. My mother was like that.

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JANET

Well, that was quite inspiring, chaperone. But, I'm still conflicted. Oh. Please. Just tell me. Is

Robert the man for me?

DROWSY

My dear, that's something you'll have to decide for yourself.

JANET

But, I just don't know if he loves me.

DROWSY

Why don't you ask him? Why don't you say, "Roger, do you love me?"

JANET

It's Robert. And I'm not allowed to see him. In fact, it's your job to keep me away from him.

DROWSY

You're right. And I take the responsibility very seriously. However, I'm just this moment feeling

terribly, terribly drowsy. I'm afraid I have to have a lie-de-down. Now whatever you do, don't

go wandering through the garden seeking out your fiancé to ask him the question upon which

your future happiness depends. (The Chaperone reclines, and closes her eyes.)

JANET

Oh, thank you, Chaperone. I just have to know if he loves me. (Janet sneaks out.)

DROWSY

Such a skinny little fool. Still, I envy her. Oh, when will love come crashing though my door?

(ALDOLPHO ENTERS)

ALDOLPHO

Donde esta mi amore.

MAN

Oh! It's Aldolpho come to seduce the bride.

ALDOLPHO

I am Aldolpho!

MAN

Try not to think of the poodles while you're listening to this part.

ALDOLPHO

I am Aldolpho. And you are bride.

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DROWSY

No, I am not.

ALDOLPHO

Whaaat? This is bridal suite, you are the only one here. Therefore you must be bride.

DROWSY

Interesting argument, but I'm afraid you are a moron.

ALDOLPHO

Whaaat?

DROWSY

Me - no - bride. Perhaps I could take a message.

ALDOLPHO

Yes, very good... Dear Van De Graaff bride, I must make love to you, and transport you to the

place of ecstasy, sooner is better, signed Aldolpho, King of Romance.

DROWSY

Well, you saw through my little ruse. You've found me out.

ALDOLPHO

Ahh, so you are the bride.

DROWSY

Apparently, yes. Take me, Aldollface.

ALDOLPHO

No, no, no, not Aldollface - Aldolpho. You must remember my name for when we are making

love and you are screaming you must say the right name or it will spoil everything. How can I

make you remember?

#8 - Adolpho

I'M SURE THAT YOU HAVE HEARD THE NAME ALDOLPHO

A LADIES' MAN WHO WINS ACCLAIM ALDOLPHO

WELL LOVELY MISS I AM THE SAME ALDOLPHO

I INTRODUCE MYSELF

I AM ALDOLPHO

DROWSY

Nice to meet you, Shall we?

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ALDOLPHO

Not so fast..

NOW JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ALDOLPHO

I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR ALDOLPHO

THE LOVELY LADIES ALWAYS CHEER ALDOLPHO

WHEN I REPEAT MYSELF

I AM ALDOLPHO

DROWSY

Understood.

ALDOLPHO

I CAN SING IT HIGH - ALDOLPHO

I CAN SING IT LOW - ALDOLPHO

I CAN SING IT VERY FAST - ALDOLPHO

I CAN SING IT VERY SLOW....LY

I'd do it now, but it would take hours. Now let us see if you can remember my name.

DROWSY

I'll give it a shot.

ALDOLPHO

WHO'S THE FELLOW THAT YOU SEE?

DROWSY

ALDOLPHO

ALDOLPHO

AND HOW SHOULD YOU REFER TO ME?

DROWSY

ALDOLPHO

ALDOLPHO

AND WHO IS IT I'LL ALWAYS BE?

DROWSY

ALDOLPHO

ALDOLPHO

NOW SING IT PROUDLY

DROWSY

YOU ARE ALDOLPHO

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ALDOLPHO

AND NOW LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU

FOR ALL YOU LOVELY LADIES WHO DIDN'T HEAR FOR SOME REASON

MAYBE YOU ARE HARD OF HEARING OR SOMETHING - I DON'T

KNOW

IT GOES A-A-A-A-A-A

DO - HO- HO-HO- HO-HOL

F- F-F-F-F-FO

I AM ALDOLPHO

ALDOLPHO (ALDOLPHO and DROWSY recline on bed.)

#8a – Adolpho Playoff

MAN

(Raising the Murphy bed) This was my mother's favorite number in the show. I think it was her

secret fantasy to be swept off her feet by a Latin Lover. I mean a real Latin lover, not a buffoon.

(MAN raises the bed.)

#8b – “Accident” Preprise

But that's what musicals are all about, right? Romantic fantasy. Falling in love at the drop of a

hat! Spontaneous Tangoing. Suddenly finding yourself in an insanely romantic setting!

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SCENE 6: TOTTENDALE'S GARDEN - AFTERNOON

ROBERT

I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN

LA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

(Janet enters)

JANET

Robert, look out!

ROBERT

Don't worry, madam. I'm getting married today, so I have to wear a blindfold.

JANET

A blindfold?

ROBERT

I'm sorry. Who am I speaking to anyhow?

JANET

Why, it's me. I mean... Mimi. Mimi from France.

MAN

This scene couldn't be more ridiculous.

JANET

So, you are marrying Janet Van De Graaff, non?

ROBERT

Oui.

JANET

I hear she's very beautiful.

ROBERT

Oui.

JANET

And glamorous.

ROBERT

Ahh, oui. Oui.

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JANET

Is it true that she has an exceptionally broad range and excels at playing both comedic and

dramatic roles?

ROBERT

Say, I'm having trouble placing your accent. What part of France are you from?

JANET

Oh... the middle part... where they make the toast. You were telling me about your, how do you

say it in English; fiance?

ROBERT

That's right.

JANET

Well, tell me, when was the moment when you knew that she was the only one for you.

ROBERT

It's a funny story, actually. We were standing on the Lido deck of the Isle de France -

JANET

Yes?

ROBERT

I was amusing her with stories of my father's oil interests -

JANET

And then what happened?

ROBERT

I looked into her eyes, her big glamorous eyes, and I felt all woozie -

JANET

And then you fell! Uh... and then you fell?

ROBERT

Yes. Right on my keister. And I said, "well, I guess I don't have my sea legs yet".

JANET

(Lost in the moment) But we haven't left the dock.

ROBERT

That's what she said. And that's when I knew it must be love.

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JANET

And then you said...?

ROBERT

And then I said...

#9 – Accident Waiting to Happen

THERE WAS A TIME I COULD STOP ON A DIME

FORBEARANCE WAS ONE OF MY TALENTS

BUT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND I CAN'T HOLD MY GROUND

I'M CONSISTENTLY LOSING MY BALANCE

I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN

I'M A MISHAP ABOUT TO ENSUE

I'M THE TOY ON THE STAIR

THE THREE LEGGED CHAIR

THE HEM THAT'S BEEN CAUGHT BY A SHOE

WHEN MY TWO LOVESICK ARMS STARTED FLAPPIN'

THERE WAS NOTHING MY ANKLES COULD DO

I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN

SO HOW BE I HAPPEN TO YOU

JANET

Then what happened?

ROBERT

Why, she joined in.

JANET

WHEN MEN SAY I'M SWEET AND THEY FALL AT MY FEET

MY HEART DOESN'T BEAT ANY FASTER

BUT WHEN YOU LOSE CONTROL

IT TOUCHES MY SOUL

SO I'M BRACING MYSELF FOR DISASTER

ROBERT

Whoa!

JANET

YOU'RE AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN

A CATASTROPHE DESTINED TO BE

ROBERT

I'M THE RAGS IN THE CELLAR

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JANET

A BROKEN UMBRELLER

TOGETHER

A BRANCH HANGING LOOSE FROM A TREE

JANET

I CAN SEE MYSELF JUMPIN' AND CLAPPIN'

FOR A MAN WHO LIVES DANGEROUSLY

TOGETHER

YOU'RE/I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN

JANET

SO HURRY AND HAPPEN TO ME (They dance.)

JANET

And then what happened?

ROBERT

Well, then... we kissed.

JANET & ROBERT

YOU'RE/I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN

SO HURRY AND HAPPEN TO ME (They kiss.)

JANET

Wait a minute... (Janet slaps Robert.) You kissed a strange French Girl on your wedding day!

ROBERT

Oh, no! What have I done! Wait! (Robert skates off.)

#9a – I Sure Did!

MAN

Well, it seems that the blindfold and the fake French accent have led to a terrible

misunderstanding. What a mess! Will it all work out in the end? Of course it will! It's not real!

It's a musical. Everything always works out in musicals. In the real world nothing ever works out

and the only people who burst into song are the hopelessly deranged.

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SCENE 8: TOTTENDALE'S SALON - AFTERNOON

KITTY

Mr. Feldzieg.

FELDZIEG

Where's that philandering foreigner?

KITTY

Mr. Feldzieg.

FELDZIEG

How long can it take to seduce one bride?

KITTY

Mr. Feldzieg. You don't need Janet no more.

FELDZIEG

Kitty. Not now.

#9b – Kitty, The Incomprehensible

KITTY

I've been working on a Mind Reading act. Presenting "Kitty, the Incomprehensible." (KITTY

closes her eyes waves her fingers at FELDZIEG) Think of a number between 5 and 7.

FELDZIEG

6.

KITTY

No...

FELDZIEG

Kitty! The problem with your act is you got to have a mind to read one. (Kitty Exits. The

Gangsters enter.)

GANGSTER #1

Mr. Feldzieg.

GANGSTER #2

It would seem that the wedding is proceeding according to schedule.

GANGSTER #1

Now, it's time you received your just desserts. What, do you think partner? Should we whip up

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something special for Mr. Feldzieg?

GANGSTER #2

Yeah. How about a Toledo Surprise?

GANGSTER #1

An inspired choice.

FELDZIEG

A Toledo Surprise? I never heard of that.

GANGSTER #1

No, you haven't. Those people who have heard of it are generally never heard from again.

GANGSTER #2

We'll share the recipe with you.

GANGSTER #1

First you chop the nuts -

GANGSTER #2

- then you pound the dough -

GANGSTER #1

- then you bake it up nice and slow -

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

- and then you got your Toledo...(slap) Toledo surprise.

FELDZIEG

Could you run that by me again?

GANGSTER #2

It's a very simple recipe Mr. Feldzieg.

GANGSTER #1

First you chop the nuts -

GANGSTER #2

- then you pound the dough -

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

- then you bake it up nice and slow -

And then you got your Toledo...

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(slap)

Toledo surprise.

GANGSTER #1

Say why don't we give him a little taste?

GANGSTER #2

Alright. (The gangsters cock their fists.)

#10 – Toledo Surprise

FELDZIEG

Hold it! What style! What grace! What rhythm! Open your fists! Now shake'em! Now give me

that recipe one more time. Da, da, da, da, da, da, Go!

(The Gangsters dance and sing, tentatively.)

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

CHOP THE NUTS

POUND THE DOUGH

BAKE IT UP

FELDZIEG

Front!

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

NICE AND SLOW

THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO

TOLEDO SURPRISE

FELDZIEG

Now sell it!

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

PIT THE PEACH

PEEL THE SKIN

MUSH IT UP

THROW IT IN

THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO

TOLEDO SURPRISE

FELDZIEG

Now you're cooking!

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP

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THEN YOU SWEET IT UP

WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP

IF IT TRIES TO RISE

DON'T LET IT

IT'S A SNAP

TRY IT FOLKS

WHIP YOUR WHITES

SPLIT YOUR YOLKS

THEN YOU GOT A SPLENDIDO

TOLEDO SURPRISE

FELDZIEG

You boy's are naturals.

GANGSTER #2

Honest?

FELDZIEG

Keep it up, I'll go work on the contracts.

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

Hey!

FELDZIEG

A-5-6-7-8.

(KITTY enters.)

KITTY

Mr. Feldzeig. Oh, what's going on here?

FELDZIEG

Kitty. I'm developing a new act.

GANGSTER #1& GANGSTER #2

TOLEDO SURPRISE

KITTY

You mean you're putting Gangsters in the show and you won't put me in? They're not even in

the union.

FELDZIEG

Shh. You got it all wrong. The new act - it's for you, Kitty. And these boys are your back up

dancers.

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KITTY

Back up dancers? Holy Cats!

WHAT THAT HOT TOLEDO

DOES TO MY LIBIDO

GOOD? MMM, YES INDEEDO

SUGARY YUM YUM

SURPRISE!

KITTY

SQUEEZE THE CREAM

GREASE THE PAN

LICK THE SPOON

FLIP THE FLAN

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

OOO

OOO

OOO

OOO OOO OOO

KITTY (CONT'D)

MAKES YOU BUST YOUR TUXEDO

TOLEDO SURPRISE

(ALDOLPHO enters with the CHAPERONE.)

ALDOLPHO

Wait! Wait! Aldolpho, he make announcement. Wedding is off!

GEORGE

What? For the love of God why?

ALDOLPHO

Aldolpho has made love to the bride! (ALDOLPHO indicates CHAPERONE.)

ALL

Oh? Eww.

FELDZIEG

That's not the bride, you idiot. That is the Chaperone.

ALDOLPHO

Whaat?

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GEORGE

The wedding is on! (JANET and ROBERT enter.)

JANET

The wedding is off!

GEORGE

What?

JANET

Robert kissed a French girl. Her name is Mimi. She's very beautiful.

ROBERT

I couldn't help it Janet. She was just like you, only French. (JANET slaps ROBERT.)

GEORGE

Sweet mother of pearl!

TOTTENDALE

Underling.

UNDERLING

Yes,madame.

TOTTENDALE

What is all this commotion about?

UNDERLING

The wedding, Madame.

TOTTENDALE

Oh, is there going to be a wedding?

FELDZIEG

Not anymore. Oh, what a tragedy! What a wonderful, wonderful tragedy! (FELDZIEG turns to

the GANGSTERS.) Clear the floor, boys, I'll show you how it's done.

FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP

THEN YOU SWEET IT UP

WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP

IF IT TRIES TO RISE

DON'T LET IT

(FELDZIEG dances).

TOLEDO SURPRISE!

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TOTTENDALE

SURPRISE?

GANGSTER #1

WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY

TOTTENDALE

SURPRISE?

GANGSTER #2

WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY

TOTTENDALE

SURPRISE?

FELDZIEG

WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY

KITTY

NOW IT'S LOOKIN' READY

TOTTENDALE

SURPRISE!

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2 & KITTY & FELDZIEG

YOU GOT IT

TOTTENDALE

MAKES ME TWITCH

MAKES ME SHAKE

THIS DESSERT

TAKES THE CAKE

HITS ME LIKE A TORPEDO

TOLEDO SURPRISE

ALDOLPHO

TOLEDO SURPRISE

GEORGE

TOLEDO SURPRISE

UNDERLING

SURPRISE

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DROWSY

SURPRISE

ALL

SURPRISE

(Dance break.)

SURPRISE

SURPRISE

(Kitty Screams)

CHOP THE NUTS

POUND THE DOUGH

BAKE IT UP

NICE AND SLOW

THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO

TOLEDO SURPRISE

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -

THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE – (The record skips. The MAN rushes over to the record player and

stomps on the floor. The record continues.)

ALL (CONT'D)

SURPRISE!

WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY

SURPRISE!

WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY

SURPRISE!

THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO SURPRISE!

JANET

Why are we dancing? Our dreams are in tatters.

ROBERT

Yes. Yes.. But the tune is so infectious...

#10a – Act 1 Finale

JANET

Oh, Robert. This is the saddest day of my life!

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ALL

WEDDING BELLS WON'T RING

WEDDING BELLS WON'T CHIME

THEY WILL NEVER CELEBRATE THEIR HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

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SCENE 9: INTERMISSION MONOLOGUE

(The curtain falls. The man remains on stage.)

MAN

And that's that. The curtain falls, and it's time for the intermission. At least it would be, if we

were actually sitting in the Morosco Theatre watching The Drowsy Chaperone, which of course,

we are not. I don't like intermissions. They ruin the magic, you know? They yank you back into

reality. One minute you're lost in a glamorous world of music and romance, and then, bang,

you're surrounded by tourists. Crinkling candy wrappers and nattering about the lack of

women's restrooms. It's cruel. (Takes out a Powerbar and starts eating) Oh, it's a Powerbar. I

have a bit of a blood sugar issue. I have to eat small meals all day long or I get jittery. I know it's

rude, but you wouldn't like the alternative believe you me. Believe you me. (He changes the

record) I remember MY wedding day. I didn't eat breakfast and the ceremony wasn't until four

in the afternoon. Aaaah! I do, I do! Are you surprised that I was married? Well, there you are:

you shouldn't go making assumptions about people, should you? I'm a very complicated

person. I have to pee now. I'll be quick, and while I'm gone, you can listen to the beginning of

Act two. (Disappears behind the curtain)

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SCENE 10: ORIENTAL PALACE - DAY

(An oriental palace fills the stage. A courtesan and two Asian slave boys enter.)

#11 – Message from a Nightingale

KITTY

I BLING A MESSAGE FROM A NIGHTINGALE.

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

NIGHTINGALE, NIGHTINGALE, NIGHTINGALE SONG

KITTY

I BLING A MESSAGE

FROM A NIGHTINGALE

GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

-ONG, -ONG, -ONG, -ONG

NIGHTINGALE AHHH!

(An oriental despot storms on, followed by an American lady in an Edwardian gown.)

ALDOLPHO

You no bow? Emperor and American lady no see eye to eye.

DROWSY

But Emperor, sometimes a different outlook can change your point of view.

ALDOLPHO

Whaaa?

DROWSY

Precisely.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE ASIANS

THAT FASCINATES CAUCASIANS

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE ASIANS

THAT'S SO NICE

IS IT THE WON TONS? THE EGG ROLLS? THE RICE?

PERHAPS IT'S BUDDHA OR CONFUSCIOUS AND THEIR EXCELLENT ADVICE

ALDOLPHO

WHAT IS IT ABOUT CAUCASIANS

THAT MYSTIFIES WE ASIANS?

WHAT IS IT ABOUT CAUCASIANS THAT'S SO ODD?

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THEY CALL A PRETTY LADY A BROAD

THEY HAVE HAIR UPON THEIR CHEST

AND THEY ONLY HAVE ONE GOD?

IMPOSSIBLE

ALDOLPHO & DROWSY

WHAAAA...

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SCENE 11: ACT II INTRO MONOLOGUE

(The man rushes on and removes the record from the record player.)

MAN

Sorry. That song was not from The Drowsy Chaperone, needless to say. That was from another

musical entirely. I have a woman who comes in once a month; can you say that? I have a

woman? Anyway, she cleans the things that I absolutely refuse to clean. She's very good, but

she has an annoying habit of putting my records away, and in the wrong sleeves. Even though I

say "No touch records, Carmela. No touch records." He exchanges the record. I suppose if I

spoke to her in complete sentences she'd stop touching my records. Anyway, that song opened

Act Two of another Gable and Stein show called The Enchanted Nightingale, a degrading piece

of Chinois about an Emperor who is told by a magic bird to marry his American Elocutionist

instead of his betrothed and he ends up building the Great Wall of China. A slap in the face to

four thousand years of Chinese history, I know. But it had some wonderful tunes. That was

Beatrice Stockwell as "American Lady," and did you recognize Roman Bartelli as the Emperor?

Yes, he was a man of a thousand accents - all of them insulting. (He puts the record on.) Act Two

of the Drowsy Chaperone begins with this, (starts record) a haunting lament from a very

depressed Bride. She sings it standing on her balcony bathed in the pale blue light of a

sympathetic moon, which is ridiculous because it's the middle of the day.

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SCENE 12: COURTYARD - AFTERNOON

(Spoken over intro instrumental.) Now, while you're listening to this, try to ignore the lyrics. I

know it will be difficult, but block them out. They're not the best, but the tune is beautiful, and

it truly communicates the bride's state of mind. Just ignore the lyrics.

#12 – Bride’s Lament

JANET

I PUT A MONKEY ON A PEDESTAL

AND TRIED TO MAKE THAT MONKEY STAY

AND HE DID FOR A TIME

BUT HE NEEDED TO CLIMB

AND WITH OTHER MONKEYS PLAY

Far away

HE LEFT HIS JACKET ON THAT PEDESTAL

BESIDE HIS TINY RUSTY CUP

AND I HAVEN'T GOT THE STRENGTH TO PICK THEM UP

OH MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY

YOU BROKE MY HEART IN TWO

BUT I'LL ALWAYS SAVE THAT PEDESTAL

FOR YOU

MAN

I'm just going to pour myself a brandy.

JANET

COME MY LITTLE MONKEY

COME MY LITTLE MONKEY, DO

MAN

The melody is so simple, it just floats in the air. And I must confess I always get a little bit misty

when I think of that tiny jacket lying on the pedestal, its long sleeves dangling on the floor.

JANET & MAN

OH MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY

JANET

YOU BROKE MY HEART IN TWO

BUT I'LL ALWAYS SAVE THAT PEDESTAL

MAN

PEDESTAL

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JANET

FOR YOU

COME MY LITTLE MONKEY

COME MY LITTLE MONKEY

DO

MAN

Okay, here we go...

JANET

Wait!

MAN

Who are you?

JANET

I'm Janet Van De Graaff!

MAN

Do you need anyone?

JANET

I don't need anyone!

MAN

(Speaking quickly) What about the love of one man?

JANET

What do I care about the love of one man when I am adored by millions!

DO I NEED TO BE SO GLOOMY?

JANET & MAN

NO, NO, NO

JANET

I COULD RULE WORLD

IF SO I CHOSE

SIGMUND FREUD SENDS FLOWERS TO ME

EVERY SHOW GERTRUDE STEIN SHE HANDED ME A ROSE

MAN

Now she really lets go.

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JANET

I'M JANET

JANET VANDEGRAFF

AIN'T NO NAIL THAT I CAN'T HAMMER

WHY GIVE UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR

LIFE OF GLAMOUR

LIFE OF GLAMOUR

NOOOOOOO!!

CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY

MAN

I love this part.

CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY

MAN

She's having a complete mental breakdown!

CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY

JANET

I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN

CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY

JANET

I DON'T WANT TO SHOW OFF NO MORE

CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY

JANET

I DON'T WANT TO SPREAD MIRTH NO MORE

CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY

JANET

BE THE GREATEST ON EARTH NO MORE

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I DON'T WANNA

I WANNA

I DON'T WANNA

I WANNA

I DON'T

I DO

I DON'T

I DO

I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF

DROWSY, GEORGE, ALDOLPHO, KITTY, FELDZIEG, GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2

STAY JANET STAY JANET STAY UPON THE STAGE JANET

MILLIONS WANT TO SEE YOU SHINE

JANET

AND I SAY SURE JANET SURE JANET

FUTURE IS SECURE JANET

MILLIONS WILL DO JUST FINE

BUT ANY FUTURE I COULD EVER CARE TO SHAPE

INCLUDES JUST ONE TWO TIMIN' CAD WHO DRIVES ME APE

CHORUS

SHE PUT A MONKEY

ON A PEDESTAL

AND TRIED TO MAKE

THAT MONKEY STAY

AND HE DID FOR A TIME

BUT HE NEEDED TO CLIMB

AND WITH OTHER

MONKEYS PLAY

JANET

Oh Robert! What a fool I've been! A hapless

fool! I know now that I love you, but I've

thrown it all away! I love you monkey...but is

love enough? Is love ever enough?

CHORUS

THAT'S THE STORY OF A MONKEY GONE ASTRAY

JANET

I ASK

CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY

JANET

THE STARS

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CHORUS

MONKEY MONKEY

JANET

ABOVE

IS IT THE MONKEY OR MY PEDESTAL

I LOVE

MAN

Don't you just love that number? It has everything: a little Busby Berkley; a little Jane Goodall.

And that's another thing I love about musicals in general. When a character is in crisis they sing

and they dance. Which is so much more interesting than just whining about it. But that's the

glory of musical theatre – (Phone rings.)

Oh! Oh! You see? This is what I'm talking about. This is life. You manage to be happy for five

seconds and then something starts ringing!

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SCENE 13: HALLWAY - LATE AFTERNOON

(The MAN struggles with the answering machine as TOTTENDALE and UNDERLING enter.

UNDERLING is pushing the drink cart.)

TOTTENDALE

What a beautiful day for a wedding.

#13 – Vaudeville Entrance

UNDERLING

Shall I have the pews removed now, or would you prefer I wait until morning? (The MAN lifts

the needle.)

MAN

Okay. I'm going to stop here because I don't want this number ruined by a ringing telephone.

Here we have two Vaudeville performers, who have slipped through the cracks of time. They

are Noel Fitzpatrick and Ukulele Lil. I don't know anything about them. I suppose Ukulele Lil

played the Ukulele, although she doesn't in this show. Actually, I tried to find out more about

her; I went through all my books, I even tried the internet but all my searches ended with Tiny

Tim's autopsy photographs. Anyway, they're both charming. (He replaces the needle.)

TOTTENDALE

Why would you have the pews removed?

UNDERLING

The bride has called off the wedding, madam.

TOTTENDALE

Oh, Underling. Never listen to a bride on her wedding day. Why, on my wedding day I was

completely incoherent. Remember?

UNDERLING

It seems like only yesterday.

TOTTENDALE

Love is a very complex emotion, Underling.

UNDERLING

Yes, madam.

TOTTENDALE

You can be very close to someone one minute, and the next minute, why you just want to

strangle them, do you understand?

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UNDERLING

I'm familiar with the concept.

TOTTENDALE

You see? That's just the nature of love.

#14 – Love Is Always Lovely

TOTTENDALE

LOVE MAKES LOVERS WORRY

LOVE MAKES LOVERS FRET

BUT HERE'S A FACT ON WHICH WE CAN DEPEND

JUST LIKE LONG AGO WHEN ROMEO LOVED JULIET

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END

UNDERLING

Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy, madam.

TOTTENDALE

Oh, I never read reviews.

LOVE CAN START A QUARREL

LOVE CAUSE A DIN

BUT LOVE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TRUSTY FRIEND

'TWAS A HAPPY FATE FOR HANK THE EIGHT AND ANNE BOLEYN

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END

UNDERLING

Might I remind you, madam, that Anne Boleyn lost her head?

TOTTENDALE

Yes! She was in love!

LOVE WAS GOOD TO EVE AND ADAM

UNDERLING

Here we go again

TOTTENDALE

AND SAMSON AND DELILAH TOO

UNDERLING

Good grief.

MAY I POSE A QUESTION, MADAM?

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TOTTENDALE

Why yes, of course.

UNDERLING

WHY DOES NOTHING I SAY TO YOU EVER GET THROUGH?

TOTTENDALE

Don't mind if I do. (They dance a soft shoe. During their dance, the telephone rings. The MAN

rushes over to it and, after a brief struggle, rips it out of the wall. The dance concludes.)

UNDERLING & TOTTENDALE

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END

UNDERLING

Oh. I found that quite taxing, madam. Excuse me while I pour myself a glass of ice water.

(UNDERLING goes to the cart and pours himself a drink. TOTTENDALE follows him, singing.)

TOTTENDALE

LOVE SNEAKS UP BEHIND YOU

LOVE DROPS FROM ABOVE

BUT LOVE WOULD NEVER CONSCIOUSLY OFFEND

LOVE HAS CERTAINLY BEEN KIND TO ME AND MY TRUE LOVE

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END

UNDERLING

BUT YOUR LATE HUSBAND WAS A BRUTE

TOTTENDALE

I DON'T MEAN HIM, YOU SILLY COOT (UNDERLING does a spit take.)

TOTTENDALE (CONT'D)

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY

UNDERLING

LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY

UNDERLING & TOTTENDALE

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END (They exit.)

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SCENE 14: JANET'S BRIDAL SUITE - LATE AFTERNOON

MAN

Yes, that was charming, but to be frank, on some level, that number pisses me off. Now, I'm

going to say something here, and yes I have been drinking, but I am going to go out on a limb

here and say that love is not always lovely in the end. Often, in the end, there are lawyers. And

another thing - and another thing - surely someone was aware of the awkward sexual

connotation of that title? I mean, is it just me? I guess what I'm saying is that number is naive.

And irresponsibly so. Sorry. I just thought that needed to be said for the benefit of the young

people. I won't interrupt anymore. Oh! There's a moment coming up that I've become obsessed

with.

#14a – Incidental

JANET

There you are. Oh, Chaperone, I'm in a terrible state.

DROWSY

You certainly are. You can't go to the wedding looking like that.

JANET

Oh, you poor Dear. Haven't you heard? The wedding's been called off.

DROWSY

Not your wedding. Mine. Oh! That reminds me. Might I borrow your veil?

JANET

You're getting married? But, to whom? (Aldolpho enters in a bathrobe, singing.)

ALDOLPHO

Mi casa esta encendida. (notices JANET) Ah, beautiful lady with baffled expression.

JANET

You're marrying Aldolpho?

DROWSY

I know it's surprising, but when I look into his eyes, his big, clumsy eyes, I get all drowsy. And

that's love, isn't it?

ALDOLPHO (to DROWSY)

Yes, Dear. That is love. (to JANET, whispered) Help me! (George bursts in. He rushes over to

Janet.)

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GEORGE

There you are. Alright, I'm going to put my cards on the table. I got a weak heart; can't take the

pressure. If this goes on any longer, the ol' ticker's going to give out. Please. Tell me. Is there

going to be a wedding or not?

JANET

Yes.

GEORGE

Thank the good Lord in heaven!

JANET

Aldolpho and the Chaperone are getting married.

GEORGE

What? (UNDERLING and TOTTENDALE rush in.)

TOTTENDALE

There you are. I have wonderful news. There's going to be a wedding.

GEORGE

We know.

TOTTENDALE

You know?

GEORGE

Yes. We just heard.

TOTTENDALE

But who told you?

JANET

I did.

TOTTENDALE

But how did YOU know?

GEORGE

What difference does it make!

UNDERLING

Mrs. Tottendale and I are to be married in the Garden at 7:30 today.

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GEORGE

What?

TOTTENDALE

What? Oh, yes.

JANET

Congratulations. To everyone.

GEORGE

Say, what kind of cockamamie wedding is this? Everybody's getting married except the bride

and groom! Robert rushes in.

ROBERT

There you are. Aw Janet, I've been looking everywhere for you.

JANET

Hello, Mr. Martin.

ROBERT

Please don't be that way. Can't you find it in your heart to marry me? Janet, it's our wedding

day, George has gone to all this trouble, and, well, I do love you, more than I can say...

#15 – “Accident” Underscore

JANET

But you kissed another woman.

ROBERT

Yes. And I just can't understand it. I know this may sound ridiculous, but when I was kissing that

French girl, why it was just like kissing you.

JANET

Oh, Robert. You were kissing me.

ROBERT

You mean, you're Mimi? Well! That accent was remarkably accurate.

JANET

Why, thank you. I developed it when I played the role of Monique in "Hold that Baguette."

(Feldzeig, Kitty and the Gangsters burst in.)

FELDZIEG

There you are! Before you do anything, think about this: no matter how well you play the part

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of the "happy wife", you'll never, ever get a standing ovation.

JANET

Oh, I just don't know. Oh, I'm so confused. Chaperone, please, I beg you, just this one time give

me some advice that is coherent and appropriate to the situation. Should I marry Robert?

MAN

Okay. Now here it comes. The moment I was talking about. Not only the culmination of the

plot, but a moment that has fascinated me more than any other and that has brought me back

to this record again and again. Here it comes.

DROWSY

Well, my advice to you is -

MAN

And this is it. Listen.

DROWSY

(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.

MAN

You see? You can't quite make out what she says because someone drops a cane. I'll play it for

you again.

DROWSY

(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.

MAN

Is she saying "live while you can", or "leave while you can,"?

DROWSY

(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.

MAN

I mean, it's Beatrice Stockwell, so it might just be a cynical quip, but this is a wedding and that's

exactly what you think when you're standing at the altar, isn't it, "Live" or "Leave" and you have

to live. Because you do love her in some way. It's not an exact science. An arrow doesn't come

out of the sky and point to the one you're supposed to be with. So, one day you say it to

someone, you say "I love you" and you basically phrase it as a question, but they accept it as

fact and then suddenly there she is standing in front of you in a three thousand dollar dress

with tears in her eyes, and her nephew made the huppah, so what do you do? Do you say I was

kidding, I was joking? No, you can't! You live, right? You choose to live. And for a couple of

months you stare at the alien form lying next to you in bed and you think to yourself "Who are

you? Who are you?" And one day you say it out loud... then it's a trial separation and couples

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counseling and all your conversations are about her eating disorder and your Zoloft addiction,

and you're constantly redefining and re-evaluating and revisiting before you finally lose the

deposit on the house and the whole "relationship" boils down to an animated email on your

birthday. But still, in the larger sense, in a broader sense, it's better to have lived than left,

right?

DROWSY

(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.

MAN

You have no idea how many times I've listened to that.

JANET

Oh, Chaperone, you certainly have a way with words. Robert, my answer is yes. I will marry you.

GEORGE

Wonderful! Wonderful! (The GANGSTERS approach FELDZIEG and KITTY.)

GANGSTER #1

Well, Mr. Feldzieg it look like this wedding is a done deal.

GANGSTER #2

Now you're in truffle.

GANGSTER #1

And there's muffin you can do about it.

FELDZIEG

But there is. I found a replacement: a new leading lady. (Points to orchestra)

#16 – Kitty, The Incredible

Presenting, "Kitty the Incomprehensible." Okay Kitty, now concentrate and show the boys how

you can read my mind. (KITTY concentrates.)

KITTY

"Kitty, will you marry me?" Holy Cats! Mr. Feldzieg! Yes! Yes! (KITTY and FELDZEIG laugh)

FELDZIEG

(Trapped) Isn't she amazing? (Everyone cheers. The guests prepare themselves for the ceremony

as GEORGE sings.)

GEORGE

Well, what are you waiting for? You ladies go put on your frillies. We'll all get married in one big

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clump; that's how they do it in Utah.

ROBERT

Well, George, I don't know how you managed to pull it off. Four weddings in one day! I guess

you're everybody's best man now.

GEORGE

I am?

MEN

AD Lib: Of course etc...

GEORGE

I am!

MEN

Hip Hip Horray!

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SCENE 15: TOTTENDALE'S GARDEN - SUNSET

#17 – Wedding Bells #2

MEN

HE'S GEORGE! HE'S GEORGE!

THE BEST MAN GEORGE

GEORGE

I'M HONORED TO BE DOING

WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT

MEN & GEORGE

I'M/HE'S BASKING IN THE GLORY

OF A FIGHT WELL FOUGHT

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING

WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME

WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE

A HAPPY WEDDING TIME

(WOMEN enter in Bridal attire.)

ALL

WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE

A HAPPY WEDDING TIME!

GEORGE

Minister you may begin. (He holds up a finger, the only one that still has a string tied around it)

Oh no, I forgot the Minister! (Aviatrix descends.) Who the hell are you?

TRIX

I'M TRIX THE AVIATRIX

QUEEN OF THE SKY

TO RIO I WAS WENDING

WHEN MY ENGINE NEEDED MENDING

I'LL FIX MY NAVIGATRIX

AND THEN I'LL FLY

AND LET YOU LOVEBIRDS TIE THE KNOT

So sorry to crash the party, folks. But we'll have this fixed in two shakes and then off to Rio for

Carnival!

ROBERT

Wait! The captain of a ship can perform a marriage!

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ALL

Yes!

UNDERLING

And a pilot is comparable to a captain.

ALL

Yes!

ALDOLPHO

And airplane is a kind of a ship. A ship of the air. Some call it an airship!

ALL

Oh, ship! Yes!

GEORGE

Wait! I got it! Trix! You can marry them on the plane and then we'll all have the honeymoon in

Rio!

ALL

Hoorah!!!

#18 – I Do, I Do In The Sky

TRIX

A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL

MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE

BUT WHAT A THRILL WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL

I DO, I DO IN THE SKY

WHEN VOWS ARE SAID

IN A MEADOW

THE BEES AND

DAFFODIL SIGH

ALL

WHEN VOWS ARE SAID

IN A MEADOW

AHHHH

TRIX (CONT'D)

BUT HEARTBEATS RUSH WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH

ALL

I DO, I DO IN THE SKY

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TRIX

DO YOU?

TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING

WE DO

TRIX

DO YOU?

DROWSY & ALDOLPHO

WE DO

TRIX

DO YOU?

FELDZIEG & KITTY

WE DO

TRIX

DO YOU?

ROBERT & JANET

WE DO

ALL

A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL

MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE

TRIX

WITH RAINBOWS BENDING BEFORE US

AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY

ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN

ALL

I DO, I DO IN THE SKY

WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A MEADOW

THE BEES AND DAFFODIL SIGH

TRIX

BUT HEART BEATS RUSH

WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH

ALL

I DO, I DO IN THE SKY

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I DO, I DO IN THE SKY

MEN

Look! Up ahead! Do you see it?

WOMEN

Could it be? Yes! It's Rio!

JANET

Well, hurry up Trix. We've got some honeymooning to do!

ALL

THEN FLY-Y-Y-Y-Y

THEN FLY

TRIX

THEN FLY

ALL

IT'S SUCH A THRILL

WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL

LET'S FLY

AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY

TRIX

ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN

ALL

I DO

UP IN THE – (With the last note, the power goes out, the record winds down, and the stage is

plunged into blackness.)

MAN

Oh, no. Oh, I can't believe it. Okay. Everybody stay calm. This happens occasionally. It's a

horrible old apartment with terrible wiring. He rummages around for a flashlight. Just

concentrate. Just keep the show alive in your minds. He finds a flashlight and turns it on. Don't

talk to anyone. Don't let yourselves be distracted. I'll find the fuse box. (There's a knock at the

door.) Everybody be quiet. (The knocking continues.)

SUPERINTENDENT

It's the super.

MAN

Oh, God. (He goes and opens the door. Another flashlight appears.)

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SUPERINTENDENT

Hi.

MAN

Hello.

SUPERINTENDENT

Your lights are out.

MAN

Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT

Yeah, we had to shut the power off because we're replacing the breaker panel in the basement.

MAN

Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT

So, we replaced it, but when we turned the power off the breakers in all the apartments

tripped.

MAN

Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT

That's what happens. It's normal.

MAN

Yes.

SUPERINTENDENT

So, I got to reset your breakers.

MAN

Oh. Now?

SUPERINTENDENT

It'll only take a second.

MAN

Alright. Alright. (The two flashlights move across the stage illuminating the frozen cast with

occasional light.)

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SUPERINTENDENT

Because I tried calling you earlier before, but there was no answer.

MAN

Really? How odd.

SUPERINTENDENT

Here we go. (The SUPERINTENDENT switches the power back on, the lights come on revealing

the cast, and the music roars back.)

ALL

SKY! (The man quickly takes the needle off the record.)

SUPERINTENDENT

What was that?

MAN

Um, it was a record.

SUPERINTENDENT

What kind of music was that?

MAN

It was just music. It was a show. You know, a musical.

SUPERINTENDENT

You like musicals?

MAN

No.

SUPERINTENDENT

I love musicals. I go with the wife all the time. It's amazing what they can do nowadays. Did you

see Miss Saigon? They landed a helicopter on stage in that one. (MAN Glances at the plane)

Yeah, I've seen 'em all. I've seen Cats, Les Miz, Saturday Night Fever - I liked the movie better -

MAN

Really. Well, goodbye. (He closes the door.)

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SCENE 16: WRAP UP

MAN

Well that's it: it's ruined. One note away from the end of the show and the mood is broken.

(pause) I should just start the record again from the beginning. No. I can't do that, can I? Oh, it's

so frustrating. You have to understand, I love this show so much. And I've never even seen it.

My mother gave me the record. This was just before my father left us. Oh, he didn't leave

because of the record, although I'm sure it didn't help matters. Look I know it's not a perfect

show; the spit take scene is lame and the monkey motif is labored. But none of that matters. It

does what a musical is supposed to do: it takes you to another world. And it gives you a little

tune to carry within your head, you know? A little something to help you escape from the

dreary horrors of the real world. A little something for when you're feeling blue. You know?

#19 – Finale Ultimo

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

INTO THE BLUE

WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE

SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE

NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO

ROBERT

I'M ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN (The company joins him on stage, they join in.)

MAN

STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY

THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH

BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT

NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG

JANET

I DON'T WANT TO SING TUNES NO MORE

GEORGE

WEDDING BELLS WILL RING

WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME

FELDZIEG & GANGSTERS

TOLEDO SURPRISE

TOTTENDALE

LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY

UNDERLING

LOVELY

ALDOLPHO

I AM ALDOLPHO

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KITTY

SURPRISE

DROWSY

AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO

IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD

DROWSY & MAN

WILL SING HIS SONG

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

ALL

STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY

THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH

TRIX

BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT

OR RIGHT FROM WRONG

AND THE

ALL

BEST THAT WE CAN DO

IS HOPE A BLUE BIRD

WILL SING HIS SONG

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

AS WE STUMBLE

BUMBLE, FUMBLE, TUMBLE

AS WE STUMBLE ALONG

AHHHH

MAN

Goodbye everybody! (The MAN is flown into the flies. He dips down to retrieve the record

before disappearing.)

Curtain

#20 - Bows

#21 – Exit Music