the drowsy chaperone - script
DESCRIPTION
Full script of the musical The Drowsy ChaperoneTRANSCRIPT
Page | 1
Music and Lyrics by Lisa Lambert and Greg Morrison
Book by Bob Martin and Don McKellar
Page | 2
Characters
Man in Chair
Mrs. Tottendale
Underling
Robert Martin
George
Feldzieg
Kitty
Gangster #1
Gangster #2
Adolpho
Janet Van De Graaff
The Drowsy Chaperone
Trix the Aviatrix
Superintendant
Ensemble:
Staff
Reporters
Etc.
Page | 3
Musical Numbers 1. Overture Pg. 6
1a. Opening Scene Pg. 6
2. Fancy Dress Pg. 8
2b. Macaroons Pg. 17
3. Robert’s Entrance Pg. 19
4. Cold Feets Pg. 19
5. Wedding Bells #1 Pg. 22
5a. Janet by the Pool Pg. 23
6. Show Off Pg. 24
6a. Show Off – Playoff Pg. 27
6b. Show Off Encore Pg. 27
6c. Spit Take Pg. 31
6d. Janet’s Bridal Suite Pg. 35
7. As We Stumble Along Pg. 36
7a. Stumble Playoff Pg. 37
8. Adolpho Pg. 39
8a. Adolpho Playoff Pg. 41
8b. “Accident” Preprise Pg. 41
9. Accident Waiting to Happen Pg. 44
9a. I Sure Did Pg. 45
9b. Kitty, The Incomprehensible Pg. 46
10. Toledo Surprise Pg. 48
10a. Act 1 Finale Pg. 53
11. Message From A Nightingale Pg. 56
12. Bride’s Lament Pg. 59
13. Vaudeville Entrance Pg. 64
14. Love Is Always Lovely Pg. 65
14a. Incidental Pg. 67
15. Accident Underscore Pg. 69
16. Kitty, The Incredible Pg. 71
17. Wedding Bells #2 Pg. 73
18. I Do, I Do, In The Sky Pg. 74
19. Finale Ultimo Pg. 79
20. Bows Pg. 80
21. Exit Music Pg. 80
Page | 4
Songs By Character
MAN IN CHAIR
12. Bride’s Lament
19. Finale Ultimo
MRS. TOTTENDALE
2. Fancy Dress
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
14. Love Is Always Lovely
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
UNDERLING
2. Fancy Dress
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
14. Love Is Always Lovely
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
ROBERT
2. Fancy Dress
4. Cold Feets
8a. Accident Preprise
9. Accident Waiting To Happen
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
GEORGE
2. Fancy Dress
4. Cold Feets
5. Wedding Bells #1
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
17. Wedding Bells #2
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
FELDZIEG
2. Fancy Dress
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
KITTY
2. Fancy Dress
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
11. Message from a Nightingale
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
ADOLPHO
2. Fancy Dress
8. Adolpho
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
11. Message from a Nightingale
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
JANET
2. Fancy Dress
6. Show Off
6b. Show Off Encore
7. As We Stumble Along
9. Accident Waiting to Happen
10a. Act 1 Finale
12. Bride’s Lament
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
DROWSY
2. Fancy Dress
7. As We Stumble Along
8. Adolpho
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
11. Message from a Nightingale
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
TRIX
2. Fancy Dress
17. Wedding Bells #2
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
GANGSTERS #1 & #2
2. Fancy Dress
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
11. Message from a Nightingale
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
ENSEMBLE
2. Fancy Dress
6. Show Off
7. As We Stumble Along
10. Toledo Surprise
10a. Act 1 Finale
12. Bride’s Lament
17. Wedding Bells #2
18. I Do, I Do In The Sky
19. Finale Ultimo
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PROLOGUE - The theatre is dark. A voice from the stage addresses the waiting audience.
MAN
I hate theatre. Well, it's so disappointing, isn't it? You know what I do when I'm sitting in a
darkened theatre waiting for the show to begin? I pray. Oh, dear God, please let it be a good
show. And let it be short, oh Lord in heaven, please. Two hours is fine, three hours is too much.
And keep the actors out of the audience, God. I didn't pay good money to have the fourth wall
come crashing down around my ears. I just want a story, and a few good songs that will take me
away. I just want to be entertained. I mean, isn't that the point? Amen.
(pause)
You know there was a time when people sat in darkened theatres and thought to themselves,
"what have George and Ira got for me tonight?" Or "Can Cole Porter pull it off again?" Can you
imagine? Now it's, "Please, Elton John, must we continue this charade?" It used to be, sitting
there in the dark, you knew that when the lights came up you would be taken to another world,
a world full of color and music and glamour. And you thought to yourself, "My God when are
they going to bring up the lights?"
(lights up)
Oh, how things have changed. Hello. How are we today? I'm feeling a little blue myself. You
know, a little anxious for no particular reason, a little sad that I should feel anxious at this age,
you know, a little self-conscious anxiety resulting in non-specific sadness: a state that I call
"blue". Anyway, whenever I'm feeling this way, blue, I like to listen to my music. So, I was going
through my records this morning - yes, records - and I was about to put on the sound track
recording of Meredith Willson's THE MUSIC MAN. I had a craving for a young Ronny Howard.
But then I said "No! Let's have a treat! Let's disappear for a while into the decadent world of
the 1920's. When the champagne flowed while the caviar chilled and all the world was a party"
- for the wealthy anyway. So, I dug about and what did I find –
(extracting a record)
– but one of my favorite shows Gable and Stein's "The Drowsy Chaperone;" Remember? Music
by Julie Gable, lyrics by Sidney Stein. It's a two record set, re-mastered from the original
recording made in 1928. It's the full show with the original cast including Beatrice Stockwell as
the Chaperone. Isn't she elegant? And this is a full 15 years before she became Dame Beatrice
Stockwell. Can you believe it? Let me read to you what it says on the back - it says "Mix-ups,
mayhem and a gay wedding!" Of course the phrase ‘gay wedding’ has a different meaning now,
but back then it just meant fun. And that's just what the show is - fun. So…would you…indulge
me? Would you let me play the record for you now? I was hoping you would say yes.
(He puts the record on the record player. He places the needle.)
Page | 6
MAN (CONT'D)
You hear that static? I love that sound. To me, it's the sound of a time machine starting up.
#1 – Overture
(The recorded overture begins.)
Alright now, let's visualize. Imagine if you will, it's November 1928. You've just arrived at the
doors of the Morosco Theatre in New York. It's very cold - remember when it used to be cold in
November? Not anymore. November is the new August now. It's global warming - we're all
doomed - anyway... It's very cold and a heavy grey sleet is falling from the sky but you don't
care because you're going to see a Broadway show! Listen!
(He settles back and listens for a moment)
Isn't this wonderful?
(He listens)
It helps if you close your eyes.
(He listens. A kettle on the stove begins to whistle. MAN runs over to the stove and dances while
he makes himself a cup of tea.)
Overtures. Overtures are out of style now. I miss them. It's the show's way of welcoming you.
"Hello, welcome. The meal will be served shortly, but in the meantime, would you like an
appetizer?" That's what an overture is, a musical appetizer. A Pu-pu platter of tunes, if you will.
(He listens)
Oh! Something new! What could it be? Sounds like a dance number. Kind of rollicking. Maybe
involving pirates! Don't worry. There are no pirates.
(He runs back to his chair as the music segues from a mono recording to a live orchestra.)
Now. Here it comes. The moment when the music starts to build and you know you're only
seconds away from being transported.
(The overture builds to its conclusion.)
The curtain is going up. I can't wait!
#1a – Opening Scene
Page | 7
SCENE 1: TOTTENDALE'S ENTRANCE HALL - MORNING
(UNDERLING enters, followed by MRS.TOTTENDALE.)
TOTTENDALE
Underling?
UNDERLING
Yes madam?
TOTTENDALE
How do I look?
UNDERLING
You look radiant, Mrs. Tottendale.
TOTTENDALE
I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style.
UNDERLING
It's a miracle, madam.
TOTTENDALE
Now, the guests will be arriving shortly?
UNDERLING
Yes madam.
TOTTENDALE
And why are they coming?
UNDERLING
For the wedding madam.
TOTTENDALE
The wedding? Of course. Oh, I love a wedding. I shall put on my fancy dress.
UNDERLING
You’re wearing it, madam.
TOTTENDALE
Silly me. Oh, I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style. When will the guests be arriving?
Page | 8
UNDERLING
They will be here shortly, madam.
TOTTENDALE
Oh! I shall go put on my fancy dress.
UNDERLING
Oh, Mrs. Tottendale!
#2 – Fancy Dress
TOTTENDALE
MY DRESS! MY DRESS!
MY FANCY DRESS
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M WEARING IT
I MUST CONFESS
MY DRESS! MY DRESS!
I LOVE MY DRESS
WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I PUT IT ON?
UNDERLING
YES! YES! YOUR DRESS
YOUR FANCY DRESS
'TWAS SUCH A PLEASURE AIRING IT
RE-STITCHING AND REPARING IT
GOD BLESS YOUR DRESS!
IT'S ONE FINE DRESS!
AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY YOU PUT IT ON
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME
MADAM YOU'RE THE HOSTESS
AND IT'S HAPPY WEDDING TIME
UNDERLING & TOTTENDALE
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING
WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING
AND WE WILL DING ALONG
STAFF
YOUR DRESS! YOUR DRESS!
YOUR FANCY DRESS
WE'RE VERY, VERY GLAD YOU PUT IT ON
(Instrumental door chimes)
Page | 9
UNDERLING
Ah!
WEDDING GUESTS HAVE COME
ALL
WEDDING GUESTS ARE HERE
WEDDING GUESTS ARE AT THE DOOR
AND SOON THEY WILL APPEAR
(The servants open the door)
ROBERT
I'M ROBERT, THE BRIDEGROOM
I'M HERE TO MARRY JANET
THAT STAR OF FELDZIEG'S FOLLIES
WHOM I LOVE A LOT
GEORGE
I'M GEORGE! THAT'S GEORGE!
HIS BEST MAN GEORGE
I'M HONORED TO BE DOING
WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT
GEORGE
Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now, don't worry. I have this whole wedding planned out. The key is
organization. See? (holding up his fingers, each with a string tied around it) Each string
represents a task yet to be completed. Pay the musicians, yell at the florist, book the Minister.
This whole wedding's going to run like clockwork.
TOTTENDALE
Oh, is there going to be a wedding?
FELDZIEG
I'M FELDZIEG, PRODUCER
I LOST MY LEADING LADY
I GOT TO STOP THIS WEDDING
OR I'M NOT WORTH SQUAT
KITTY
I'M KITTY! JUST KITTY!
I CAME WITH MR. FELDZIEG
I'LL BE A LEADING LADY
IF I GET MY SHOT
Page | 10
GANGSTER #1
WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS
GANGSTER #2
WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
WE CROSS OUR HEARTS WE'RE PASTRY CHEFS
GANGSTER #1
NO FAKERY!
GANGSTER #2
A BAKERY
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
IS WHAT WE GOT
ALDOLPHO
ALDOLPHO! ALDOLPHO!
MY NAME IT IS ALDOLPHO
I AM THE KING OF ROMANCE
SO I KISS A LOT
ALL
YOU ARE THE KING OF ROMANCE
SO YOU KISS A LOT
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING!
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME!
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE
A HAPPY WEDDING TIME
(gasp)
SOMEONE HASN'T COME
SOMEONE ISN'T HERE
WHERE IS JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
AND WHEN WILL SHE APPEAR? (JANET enters.)
IT'S JANET! IT'S JANET
IT'S JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
JANET
I'M JANET, JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
HERE TO MARRY ROBERT MARTIN
GIVING UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR
TO TIE THE KNOT
Page | 11
DROWSY
Am I late?
I'M THE CHAPERONE
CHAPERONE OF JANET VAN DE GRAAFF
MAID OF HONOR, FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE
AND ALL THAT ROT
Where's the bar?
ALL
A WEDDING! A WEDDING! HOORAY!
UNDERLING
(To CHAPERONE who is pulling out a flask) It's Prohibition, Madam.
ALL
A WEDDING! A WEDDING! HOW GAY!
DROWSY
Good thing I brought my own.
ALL
A WEDDING! A WEDDING! TODAY!
DROWSY
(she drinks) Champagne makes me drowsy.
ALL
IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!
(airplane sound cue)
ALL (CONT'D)
TRULY HAPPENING
(airplane sound cue)
ALL (CONT'D)
ALMOST HAPPENING
(airplane sound cue)
ALL (CONT'D)
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
(airplane sound cue)
TRIX
I'M TRIX THE AVIATRIX
Page | 12
QUEEN OF THE SKY
I CIRCLE THROUGH THE STRATUS
IN MY MODERN APPARATUS
I'M TRIX THE AVIATRIX
I'VE GOTTA FLY
I'LL SEE YA' WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT
(The man turns down the volume.)
Man (overlapping with music)
Well there you have it, all the guests have
arrived. We have a bride who's giving up
the stage for love, her debonair
bridegroom, a harried producer, jovial
gangsters posing as pastry chefs, a flaky
chorine, a Latin lothario, and an aviatrix;
what we now call a lesbian. And, of course,
my favorite character, the Drowsy
Chaperone. What more do you need for
an evening's entertainment?
ALL
A WEDDING, A WEDDING HOORAY!
WOMEN
DING-A-LING,
TENORS
DING-A-LING,
BASSES
DING-A-LING
ALL
A WEDDING, A WEDDING
A WEDDING'S COMING OUR WAY
A WEDDING, A WEDDING, TODAY
DING-A-LING, DING-A-LING, DING-A-LING
IT'S REALLY HAPPENING
TRULY HAPPENING
ALMOST HAPPENING
SURELY HAPPENING
ALL
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING!
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME!
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE
A HAPPY WEDDING TIME
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING
WEDDING BELLS WILL DONG
WEDDING BELLS WILL DING-A-LING
AND WE WILL DING ALONG!
TRIX
HOW I LOVE
LOVE A WEDDING
YES I LOVE
LOVE A WEDDING
AH!
LISTEN TO THOSE BELLS
WE WILL DING ALONG
MAN (CONT'D)
Wasn't that wonderful! "And we will ding-a-long"; I don't even know what that means! Alright,
I'll lead you through this record as best I can. Don't worry, it won't be hard to follow. So, we
begin with a welcome from the love struck groom.
(ALL Laugh)
Page | 13
ROBERT
Well, I just wanted to thank you all for coming. I tell you I must be some lucky fellow. Why, who
would have thought that I, Robert Martin, would be marrying a glamorous showgirl, and that
that glamorous showgirl would be willing to give up a successful career for me, Robert Martin.
ALL
Oh!
ROBERT
Now, if it wasn't for prohibition, I'd say let's raise a glass -
DROWSY
(Drowsy raises a glass) Here! Here!
ROBERT
- to Miss Janet Van De Graaff - the most beautiful girl in the world.
GEORGE
Absolutely not! (ALL gasp!)
ROBERT
Excuse me!
GEORGE
The groom mustn't see his bride on the day of the wedding. It's bad luck!
MAN
I hope you heard that, because that's the plot. Basically. Hang on for the ride!
UNDERLING
Breakfast will be served in the Arabian Room.
GEORGE
(to CHAPERONE) Say, It's a little early in the day to be drinking, isn't it?
DROWSY
I don't understand the question.
GEORGE
Uh-Uh Look. You keep Janet away from Robert, you understand? You're the chaperone; that's
your only job.
DROWSY
Aye Aye, mon Capitaine!
Page | 14
JANET
Oh, Robert! Who's my little monkey?
ROBERT
I am! I'm your little monkey. (JANET and ROBERT exit.)
MAN
So, the Bride and Groom are whisked away, and we turn our attention to the B plot which
involves the Producer.
KITTY
Mr. Feldzieg?
FELDZIEG
Getting married and leaving show business.
KITTY
Mr. Feldzieg?
FELDZIEG
Doesn't she know I got obligations?
KITTY
Mr. Feldzieg, I can be your leading lady. You said it yourself - I'm useless in the chorus.
FELDZIEG
Kitty! For the last time, you ain't got what it takes.
KITTY
But, I been taking lessons; Singing. Acting. Ballet.
FELDZIEG
Ballet?
KITTY
Yeah. I'm pretty good too. Last week I auditioned for Swanee Lake.
MAN
A little annotation; Kitty and Feldzieg were a couple in real life: Jack and Sadie Adler. Now, this
is a familiar comic construct: a stupid woman and her long suffering companion. Well, she
appears stupid, but in the end she does something clever and makes everyone wonder whether
it's all just an act. The irony here is that Sadie actually was stupid; Jack had to explain all the
jokes to her apparently. But still, she had a wonderful career on the stage. At that time, the
theatre was the only place where stupid people could earn a decent living. This was before
Page | 15
television, of course.
FELDZIEG
Kitty I don't have time for this! (Enter GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2)
GANGSTER #1
A petite four, Mr. Feldzeig?
FELDZIEG
Not now. (GANGSTER #2 stops him)
GANGSTER #2
Perhaps a nice profiterole.
FELDZIEG
Boys, I'm not hungry.
GANGSTER #1
Then perhaps we could give you something else to chew on.
GANGSTER #2
Yeah. Something that ain't food.
FELDZIEG
What?
GANGSTER #1
Allow me to elucidate. Although we stand here before you in the guise of innocent pastry chefs,
we are also -
GANGSTER #2
and primarily -
GANGSTER #1
- employees of a certain individual.
FELDZIEG
A certain individual?
GANGSTER #2
A certain individual...
GANGSTER #1
...who happens to be largest single investor in Feldzieg's Follies. He has sent us here -
Page | 16
GANGSTER #2
As pastry chefs...
GANGSTER #1
... to express his concern about Ms. Van de Graaff's impending nuptials.
GANGSTER #2
Specifically...
GANGSTER #1
...that if she gets married and leaves the show...
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
...then there ain't no show.
KITTY
(to the Gangsters) Don't I know you?
GANGSTER #2
No, you don't.
KITTY
Have you ever spent any time in Toledo?
GANGSTER #1
Have you ever spent any time in a coma?
KITTY
No, but I've got a cousin in Seattle.
FELDZIEG
Kitty. Boys, you tell your boss this wedding is never going to happen. You have my word.
GANGSTER #2
Oh, we'll take your word, alright.
GANGSTER #1
But, to go back on that word - would be a recipe for disaster. Now, we hope we have made
ourselves perfectly éclair.
GANGSTER #2
One cannoli hope.
Page | 17
GANGSTER #1
You biscotti be kidding me.
GANGSTER #2
A trifle much?
GANGSTER #1
Don't tart with me.
FELDZIEG
Alright. You can drop the pastry chef routine.
GANGSTER #1
Alas, we ganache.
GANGSTER #2
We're on the lamb.
GANGSTER #1
(slapping him) Lamb's an entrée, you macaroon. (Kitty takes a pastry. GANGSTER #1 &
GANGSTER #2 curtsey.)
#2b - Macaroons
MAN
The gangsters were played by vaudeville duo the Tall Brothers: John and Peter Tall. They were
born Abram and Mendel Mosloskowicz, but were renamed at Ellis Island by a sarcastic
immigration official. They were an early example of the typical Broadway gangster: full of word-
play and stylized movements but, really not very intimidating. Unless you find dancers
intimidating, which I do but for reasons that would not be appropriate to this situation.
GANGSTER #1
We'll leave the matter in your hands, Mr. Feldzieg. In the mean time, feel free to browse the
desert carousel.
GANGSTER #2
Try the Toledo Surprise
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
It's to die for. (Gangsters exit.)
KITTY
Holy Cats, Mr. Feldzieg! They're Gangsters.
Page | 18
FELDZIEG
Very perceptive. Now go powder your face! (KITTY exits.) I've got to stop this wedding but how?
Oh Lord in Heaven how! How?
MAN
I always thought that moment was a little overplayed. So with the story well on its way, let's go
to the Groom's room.
Page | 19
SCENE 2: ROBERT'S ROOM - MORNING
#3 – Robert’s Entrance
(Robert is putting on his tux. He stares into the mirror and fumbles with his bow tie.)
ROBERT
Hey there, handsome. Show me those pearly whites.
MAN
The groom was played by the dashing Percy Hyman. He started out as the All Bright toothpaste
man. His fabulous smile adorned every tube. All Bright was hugely popular in the early twenties,
because it contained cocaine. It's true. If you looked at the label it was the fifth ingredient
down, right after 'sugar'. Anyway, it wasn't long before he became a huge matinee idol.
ROBERT
Now don't worry. It's perfectly normal for a groom to be nervous on his wedding day. It is? Of
course.
MAN
I love Percy Hyman. Some people say he was a bad actor, but to those people I say, "shut-up".
#4 – Cold Feets
ROBERT
HEY THERE MISTER MIRROR MAN
SHAKIN' AND A'QUAKIN'
TREMBLIN' LIKE DA' FRAIDY CATS DO
SOMETHIN' BIG BE BOTHERIN' YOU
You know what you got...
COLD FEETS
COLD FEETS
BROTHER YOU GOT COLD FEETS
YOU CAN MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS HOT
WITH A LITTLE RHYTHM
YOUNG FEETS
OLD FEETS
CAN BE UNCONTROLLED FEETS
RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS TROT
DOWN THE AISLE
FROSTY ARCHES
THEY CAN LEARN TO SWING
ICY TOES CAN JIVE
WEDDING MARCHES
Page | 20
PLAYED IN RAGTIME SWING
MAKE FRIGID SOLES COME ALIVE
AND TAKE THAT DIVE
COLD FEETS
SHMOLD FEETS
TURN 'EM INTO BOLD FEETS
RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS
HOT
GEORGE
(entering with phone mid conversation) You don't say? Well, why don't you just slime back into
your mud hole, you back-stabbing worm! (he hangs up) Well, now I have to find another
minister. Say, what are you up to?
ROBERT
I'm singing a song an old friend taught me. A Dixie remedy for wedding day jitters.
GEORGE
You think you've got jitters? You got the easy part! I've still got to get rice, boutonnières, and a
minister! I have the weight of the wedding on my shoulders!
ROBERT
George, it sounds like you've got cold feets.
GEORGE (getting into the rhythm)
WHAT DO I GOT?
ROBERT
COLD FEETS
GEORGE
WHAT DO I WANT?
ROBERT
BOLD FEETS
GEORGE
WHAT DO I DO - SCOLD FEETS?
ROBERT
NOOOOO!
YOU MAKE 'DA COLD FEETS HOT
(Dance break. GEORGE & ROBERT adlib throughout the following...)
Page | 21
ROBERT
Well, George I never.
GEORGE
I'm just moving my feet.
ROBERT
I didn't know you had it in you.
GEORGE
Neither did I!
(UNDERLING Enters with a tray and two glasses of water. Serves ROBERT and GEORGE and
Exits.)
ROBERT & GEORGE
Five, six, seven, eight...
COLD FEETS COLD FEETS
TURN 'EM INTO BOLD FEETS
RHYTHM MAKE 'DEM COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
YOU MAKE DA COLD FEETS HOT
MAN
Percy Hyman was a wonderful performer. I like to think of him panting and sweating after a
long dance routine. He's still alive, you know. I saw him on the news recently "celebrating" his
100th birthday. To say that the passing years had taken their toll on him, would be a grotesque
understatement. They wheeled him out and he had that wide-eyed expression of pained
confusion that God reserves for the very, very old on their birthdays. You know, the one that
says "Who are you, who am I and why is this cake on fire?" You know what I'm talking about?
Anyway.
GEORGE
Alright, alright. That's enough of that. Dancing around like a fool.
ROBERT
Sorry, George. I was just trying to calm my nerves. It is my wedding day after all.
GEORGE
Well, you could've snapped an ankle. Tap dancing is too dangerous. Why don't you go out for a
skate instead? That's what I do when it want to blow off some steam. (He hands him a pair of
roller skates.)
Page | 22
ROBERT
George, I don't know what I'd do without you.
GEORGE
Wait a minute. What was I thinking? Oh, n-n-n-no. You're not going out like that, my friend. You
might see Janet. Here, put on this blindfold. He blindfolds him.
ROBERT
George, you think of everything.
GEORGE
Just looking out for you, my boy. And no more tap dancing. (Pushes Robert out the door Robert
exits. George dances. The telephone rings as GEORGE starts singing.)
#5 – Wedding Bells #1
GEORGE
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE-
(MAN lifts the needle on the record and waits it out.)
MAN
Just ignore it. It will stop soon. It does this occasionally. It rings. Just ignore it. What? What do
you want? (The machine picks up.) MAN'S VOICE Hello, you have reached my answering
machine. Leave a short message after the tone and I'll call you back at my convenience. (The
machine beeps. A dial tone is heard.) Oh, well, that's it. The moment is ruined. Thank you.
Thank you life. It's like a cell phone going off in a theatre. God, I hate that. "Hello? What are you
doing?" "Oh, I'm at the theatre ruining the moment. How about you?" "Oh, I couldn't get out
tonight so I thought I'd ruin the moment by proxy." Sorry. Sorry. Let's shake that off. Let's go
back in our minds to 1928. They didn't have cell phones in 1928, but I'm sure they had
something for the ruining of moments. Bugles, or something. (He puts the needle back.)
GEORGE
HAPPY WEDDING TIME! (GEORGE exits.)
MAN
So, the scene shifts and we find the bride, the glamorous Janet Van De Graaff entertaining
questions from reporters as she lounges by the pool.
Page | 23
SCENE 3: TOTTENDALE'S POOL - EARLY AFTERNOON
#5a – Janet By The Pool
REPORTER ONE
Miss Van De Graaff, is it true you're giving up a successful career to marry a man you hardly
know?
JANET
Yes. Robert and I met on the lido deck of the Ile de France. He amused me with stories of his
father's oil interests. We spooned, briefly, and then he proposed.
REPORTER TWO
So, you won't be returning to the stage? Ever?
JANET
I shan't.
REPORTER TWO
You shan't?
JANET
I shan't.
REPORTER ONE
Can we quote you on that?
JANET
Of course. One more question. (DROWSY raises her hand) Yes.
DROWSY
Why in the world would anyone put olives in a Gibson? (Feldzeig and Kitty arrive.)
FELDZIEG
I got a question. How can you give up the footlights when you know very well you got grease
paint in your veins?
JANET
Victor, please.
FELDZIEG
Oh Janet. I am begging you. Dump the mug, stay with the Follies. I'll give you anything you
want. I'll... I'll... oh, fine, I'll put your name above mine on the marquee. (The reporters gasp.)
Page | 24
JANET
Oh, Victor, if you think this is about vanity, you couldn't be more wrong.
#6 – Show Off
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SING TUNES NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA RIDE MOONS NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
I DON'T WANNA WEAR THIS NO MORE
PLAY THE SAUCY SWISS MISS NO MORE
BLOW MY SIGNATURE (KISS) NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
(The other guests gather, including the GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2.)
FELDZIEG
Janet please.
JANET
DON'T TRY TO CONTROL ME
I'VE MADE UP MY MIND
AND THAT'S IT
I QUIT
I'M LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND
I DON'T WANNA BE CUTE NO MORE
MAKE THE GENTLEMEN HOOT NO MORE
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
Hey Baby! (whistle)
JANET
I DON'T WANNA WEAR FRUIT NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
ALL
SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE
JANET
Not me!
ALL
READ HER NAME IN THE NEWS NO MORE
Page | 25
JANET
Page three!
ALL
GET THE GLOWING REVIEWS NO MORE
JANET
Aw, gee
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
ALL
SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
JANET
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
ALL
SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE
OFF NO MORE
JANET
Not me! Weeee!
(Dance break.)
KITTY
Hey! (A snake is charmed out of a basket KITTY screams.)
JANET
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
ALL
AHH
AHH-AHH-AHH
AHH-AHH-AHH
AHH-AHH-AHH
SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF, SHOW OFF
DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF NO MORE
JANET
PLEASE NO MORE ATTENTION
ALL
AH-AH
Page | 26
JANET
I'VE COUNTED TO TEN
AND I'M THROUGH
ALL
Farewell!
JANET
ADIEU
ALL
Been Swell!
JANET
YOU'LL NEVER SEE THIS
YOU'LL NEVER SEE THIS
NEVER SEE THIS
NEVER SEE THAT
NEVER SEE THESE AGAIN
I DON'T WANNA CHANGE KEYS NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA STRIPTEASE NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SAY "CHEESE" NO MORE
I DON'T CARE IF YOU SCOFF
I DON'T WANNA BE CHEERED NO MORE
PRAISED NO MORE
GRABBED NO MORE
TOUCHED NO MORE
LOVED NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
ALL
SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
JANET
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
ALL
SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
JANET V.O.
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
ALL
SHE DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
Page | 27
JANET
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
NO MORE
#6a – Show Off Play Off
DROWSY
Did I miss something?
GANGSTER #1
Well, Mr. Feldzieg. It is painfully obvious that Miss Van De Graaff has no desire to continue a life
on the stage.
GANGSTER #2
Can't you see it's killing her soul?
FELDZIEG
Don't worry boys. This isn't over yet.
KITTY
Yeah. I'm surprised she didn't do an encore.
#6b – Show Off Encore
JANET
I DON'T WANNA ENCORE NO MORE
KEEP 'EM SHOUTIN' FOR MORE NO MORE
KITTY
More! More!
JANET
DISAPPEAR THROUGH THE FLOOR NO MORE
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
MAN
That was Jane Roberts as the bride. She was the Oops Girl. Remember? Surely you remember
the Oops Girl? Don't you people read? She was billed as the girl who's sexual energy was so
great that it caused the men around her to have accidents: spill their drinks, drive their cars into
trees. And she would go "Oops" Well, I'm not really doing it justice, but people ate it up. She
made a whole series of films; "Oops", "The Oops Girl", "Oops Girl Come Home", and "Oops Girl
at Sea", which won an Oscar for special effects.
Page | 28
FELDZIEG
Okay, begging and groveling didn't work. On to plan B. And for that I am going to need an
accomplice. Someone gullible with loose morals. I need a, what do you call 'em, a European.
(Aldolpho enters.)
ALDOLPHO
Papi, no se toca mi esposa
MAN
In walks Aldolpho; self proclaimed ladies man. Aldolpho, is played by former silent film start
and world-class alcoholic Roman Bartelli. He was the one who later drank himself to death at
his Chateau in Nice, remember? It was five days before they found the body and by that time it
had been partially consumed by his poodles? Well, he was only partially consumed.
FELDZIEG
Excuse me. I don't believe we've met.
ALDOLPHO
I am Aldolpho.
FELDZIEG
You are Aldolpho?
ALDOLPHO
Yes, I am Aldolpho
FELDZIEG
Not, the Aldolpho.
ALDOLPHO
Yes, I am Aldolpho.
FELDZIEG
Funny, you don't look like a scoundrel.
ALDOLPHO
Yes... What?
FELDZIEG
Why, just now I overheard the Groom saying that Aldolpho is a scoundrel. I just heard him say
that.
Page | 29
ALDOLPHO
What? Aldolpho a scoundrel!
FELDZIEG
Those very words.
ALDOLPHO
Aldolpho is a scoundrel!
FELDZIEG
It's like I'm hearing it again.
ALDOLPHO
This is outrageous! He is saying this to peoples... to beautiful ladies, with breasts for making
love. Why, I must... I must ...
FELDZIEG
You must, you must take matters into your own hands.
ALDOLPHO
Yes, I must take-a this groom into my hands and kill him!
FELDZIEG
Yes. No. Don't kill him. Just hurt him enough so he can't get married.
ALDOLPHO
Show me to this groom. Wait.
FELDZIEG
What?
ALDOLPHO
What kind of man is this groom? A big man?
FELDZIEG
Well...
ALDOLPHO
A burly fellow?
FELDZIEG
Well, he's big on the outside -
Page | 30
ALDOLPHO
No. No. No. Aldolpho will not fight big men - small, pale, wheezy, little dwarf people Aldopho
can punt far away - but no big men!
FELDZIEG
So, you're a lover not a fighter.
ALDOLPHO
Yes, Aldolpho is a lover of beautiful ladies. Some say I am the King of Romance.
FELDZIEG
Well, you know what they say, the best way to get revenge on a man is through his...?
ALDOLPHO
Door!
FELDZIEG
No. The best way to get back at a man is through his...
ALDOLPHO
Window!
FELDZIEG
No.. Revenge, back at a man.. through his...
ALDOLPHO
Through his, there is no other ways!! I'm not Santa Claus coming down chimney.
FELDZIEG
Through his woman!!
ALDOLPHO
Ahh! Through his woman!!
FELDZIEG
Yes Aldolpho! You must seduce his woman!!
ALDOLPHO
Eh?
FELDZIEG
His bride!
Page | 31
ALDOLPHO
Aldolpho will make love to bride! That will show people Aldolpho is no scoundrel! Show me to
this bride! Wait!
FELDZIEG
What?
ALDOLPHO
What kind of woman is this bride? Big woman?
FELDZIEG
No...
ALDOLPHO
Burly woman?
FELDZIEG
No she's the cat's pajamas.
ALDOLPHO
What? Pajamas?
FELDZIEG
She's a looker. An attractive woman.
ALDOLPHO
Show me to this cat in pajamas! I will make her purrrrrr-r. Like a cat... in pajamas.
FELDZIEG
Ahhhh! (Aldolpho and Feldzieg leave.)
MAN
Roman Bartelli chewing the scenery. You certainly couldn't get away with a performance like
that nowadays, could you. Mature contemporary audiences are too sophisticated to enjoy
broad racial stereotypes on the stage, so we've banished them to Disney. Let the children sort
it out.
#6c – Spit Take
Page | 32
SCENE 4: ENTRANCE HALL - AFTERNOON
Tottendale and Underling enter. Underling is carrying a tray with a single glass on it.
TOTTENDALE
Underling?
UNDERLING
Yes Madam.
TOTTENDALE
The Pastry Chefs have been kind enough to provide the liquor for the party, but remember
Underling, we have to be discreet.
UNDERLING
Yes, madam.
TOTTENDALE
It is prohibition, after all.
UNDERLING
I'm aware of that, madam.
TOTTENDALE
We'll have to use code words. For instance, if someone asks for a glass of ice-water, it means
they want a glass of vodka. Have you got that?
UNDERLING
Yes, madame.
TOTTENDALE
Are you sure? Maybe you should write it down.
UNDERLING
I understand, madam. A glass of ice-water is a glass of vodka.
TOTTENDALE
What's a glass of ice-water?
UNDERLING
Vodka.
TOTTENDALE
Ice water?
Page | 33
UNDERLING
Vodka.
TOTTENDALE
Ice -
UNDERLING
Vodka.
TOTTENDALE
Alright then. Well, that's settled. One less thing to do. Underling, might I please have a glass of
ice-water? I found our meeting with the pastry chefs rather trying and I would enjoy a glass of
refreshing ice-water.
UNDERLING
Your ice-water madame. (He hands her a glass of water. She takes a sip and spits it in his face.)
TOTTENDALE
That was pure vodka, you poop!
MAN
Oh, I hate this scene.
TOTTENDALE
Well, now I do need a glass of ice-water!
UNDERLING
A glass of "ice-water" madam?
TOTTENDALE
Yes, ice-water. Are you going deaf?
UNDERLING
Would that I were.
MAN
You can see where this is going can't you. It's really just a series of spit takes. (UNDERLING
hands her the glass.)
UNDERLING
Your "ice-water" madam. (She drink and spits it in his face.)
TOTTENDALE
That was pure vodka, you poop!
Page | 34
MAN
You know, in some ways the Drowsy Chaperone was quite progressive. A black actress playing
the Aviatrix, for instance.
UNDERLING
Your "ice-water" madam. (She drinks, and spits in his face again.)
TOTTENDALE
That was pure vodka, you poop!
MAN
Yes, some elements are quite progressive, others were stale in 1928, you know what? I'm going
to skip ahead.
TOTTENDALE
(spit)
That was -
(spit)
That -
(spit)
That -
(3 head takes)
- poop!
TOTTENDALE (CONT'D)
Where do you think you're going?
UNDERLING
To find some lime juice, madam.
TOTTENDALE
Lime juice? For heaven's sake why?
UNDERLING
I'm going to wring out my eye brows and make myself a gimlet.
MAN
(mopping the stage) Now, you're probably asking yourself, "what was that routine doing in the
show?" Well, it's very simple: there's a song coming up, and they needed something to allow
for the set change. It's mechanics. It's like pornography. Let me explain what I meant by that.
In pornography the story is simplistic - "how do I pay for this pizza" being the classic example.
My point is, as in a musical, the story exists only to connect the longer, more
engaging...production numbers. What? Well, what kind of a society do we live in if we can't
discuss the similarities between pornography and musical theatre?
Page | 35
#6d – Janet’s Bridal Suite
SCENE 5: JANET'S BRIDAL SUITE - AFTERNOON
JANET
(Looking in the mirror) In a few hours I'm going to be Mrs. Robert Martin. Oh, my head is
spinning. (MAN pulls down the Murphy bed revealing a longing DROWSY. She has an empty
glass in her hand.)
DROWSY
Yes, life is a mad whirlwind.
MAN
This is a really interesting scene. This is the only time in the show that Jane Roberts and
Beatrice Stockwell are alone together on stage. Jane Roberts was a emerging star, but Beatrice
Stockwell was already well established and a force to contend with.
JANET
I'm so full of apprehension, but I suppose that's normal, considering the circumstances. Have
you ever been married, Chaperone?
DROWSY
No. I drink for pleasure, not out of necessity.
(UNDERLING enters.)
UNDERLING
Your "ice water" madam. I'm afraid we're fresh out of olives.
JANET
Have you ever been married Underling?
UNDERLING
Heavens no madam. If I'm going to serve a woman I prefer to be paid for my efforts.
(UNDERLING exits.)
JANET
Oh you two. I know it seems crazy to give up a successful career to marry a man I hardly know,
but somehow, for some reason when I look into his eyes...his big, monkey eyes...ah gee...I get
all woozy. And that's love isn't it?
DROWSY
Not necessarily. The wooziness could be caused by any number of things. I mean, I'm woozy
right now and I'm certainly not in love.
Page | 36
MAN
Beatrice Stockwell was famous for her rousing anthems. She entertained and inspired the
troops in every major world conflict up to and including the Falklands war. Of course, by that
time she was in her late eighties and her anthems didn't so much rouse as stupefy. Still, she
demanded a rousing anthem in every show she ever did, even if it wasn't appropriate. But you
just couldn't say no to her. That's star power.
JANET
Really you're not being the least bit helpful. Couldn't you at least allay my fears with a few
choice words of inspiration?
DROWSY
Inspiration? Really, dear, that's not my forte.
JANET
Yes. But if you -
#7 – As We Stumble Along
DROWSY
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
INTO THE BLUE
WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE
SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE
NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO
STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY
THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH
BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT
NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG
AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO
IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD
WILL SING HIS SONG
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
JANET
That was quite nice, Chaperone, but I don't see how it pertains to my situation.
DROWSY
Let me explain.
JANET
Oh, really, that's not necessary. I suppose I'm just looking for a sympathetic – (The Chaperone
Page | 37
pulls the screen on stage in front of Janet.)
DROWSY
IT'S A DISMAL LITTLE WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE
IT CAN BORE YA' TIL YOU'VE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE
SEVEN OVER-RATED WONDERS
SEVEN UNDER-WHELMING SEAS
SIX EXCRUCIATING CONTINENTS
ANTARCTICA - OH, PLEASE
MAN
"Antarctica, oh please"
DROWSY
STILL YOU MUSTN'T LET IT LICK YA'
THIS PLANET OH SO BLAND
KEEP YOUR EYEBALL ON THE HIGHBALL
IN YOUR HAND
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
CROSS LIFE'S CROWDED DANCE FLOOR
AS WE PUSH AND WE SHOVE
WE LIVE AND WE LEARN
AND WHEN WE FIN'LLY LEAVE THE BAR
AND WE SEE THAT MORNING STAR
WE PULL OUR BOOT STRAPS UP AND HOMEWARD TURN
THEN WE STUMBLE AWAY
THROUGH DAWN'S BLINDING SUN BEAMS
BARELY KNOWING RIGHT FROM RIGHT
NOR LEFT FROM WRONG
BUT AS LONG AS WE CAN HEAR
THAT LITTLE BLUEBIRD
THERE'LL BE A SONG
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
AS WE STUMBLE, BUMBLE, FUMBLE...
PLUMBLE
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
#7a – Stumble Playoff
MAN
Don't you just love her? Basically, she sings a rousing anthem about alcoholism. That's what I
love about her. She just does her own thing, when she wants, regardless of the needs and
concerns of others. My mother was like that.
Page | 38
JANET
Well, that was quite inspiring, chaperone. But, I'm still conflicted. Oh. Please. Just tell me. Is
Robert the man for me?
DROWSY
My dear, that's something you'll have to decide for yourself.
JANET
But, I just don't know if he loves me.
DROWSY
Why don't you ask him? Why don't you say, "Roger, do you love me?"
JANET
It's Robert. And I'm not allowed to see him. In fact, it's your job to keep me away from him.
DROWSY
You're right. And I take the responsibility very seriously. However, I'm just this moment feeling
terribly, terribly drowsy. I'm afraid I have to have a lie-de-down. Now whatever you do, don't
go wandering through the garden seeking out your fiancé to ask him the question upon which
your future happiness depends. (The Chaperone reclines, and closes her eyes.)
JANET
Oh, thank you, Chaperone. I just have to know if he loves me. (Janet sneaks out.)
DROWSY
Such a skinny little fool. Still, I envy her. Oh, when will love come crashing though my door?
(ALDOLPHO ENTERS)
ALDOLPHO
Donde esta mi amore.
MAN
Oh! It's Aldolpho come to seduce the bride.
ALDOLPHO
I am Aldolpho!
MAN
Try not to think of the poodles while you're listening to this part.
ALDOLPHO
I am Aldolpho. And you are bride.
Page | 39
DROWSY
No, I am not.
ALDOLPHO
Whaaat? This is bridal suite, you are the only one here. Therefore you must be bride.
DROWSY
Interesting argument, but I'm afraid you are a moron.
ALDOLPHO
Whaaat?
DROWSY
Me - no - bride. Perhaps I could take a message.
ALDOLPHO
Yes, very good... Dear Van De Graaff bride, I must make love to you, and transport you to the
place of ecstasy, sooner is better, signed Aldolpho, King of Romance.
DROWSY
Well, you saw through my little ruse. You've found me out.
ALDOLPHO
Ahh, so you are the bride.
DROWSY
Apparently, yes. Take me, Aldollface.
ALDOLPHO
No, no, no, not Aldollface - Aldolpho. You must remember my name for when we are making
love and you are screaming you must say the right name or it will spoil everything. How can I
make you remember?
#8 - Adolpho
I'M SURE THAT YOU HAVE HEARD THE NAME ALDOLPHO
A LADIES' MAN WHO WINS ACCLAIM ALDOLPHO
WELL LOVELY MISS I AM THE SAME ALDOLPHO
I INTRODUCE MYSELF
I AM ALDOLPHO
DROWSY
Nice to meet you, Shall we?
Page | 40
ALDOLPHO
Not so fast..
NOW JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ALDOLPHO
I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR ALDOLPHO
THE LOVELY LADIES ALWAYS CHEER ALDOLPHO
WHEN I REPEAT MYSELF
I AM ALDOLPHO
DROWSY
Understood.
ALDOLPHO
I CAN SING IT HIGH - ALDOLPHO
I CAN SING IT LOW - ALDOLPHO
I CAN SING IT VERY FAST - ALDOLPHO
I CAN SING IT VERY SLOW....LY
I'd do it now, but it would take hours. Now let us see if you can remember my name.
DROWSY
I'll give it a shot.
ALDOLPHO
WHO'S THE FELLOW THAT YOU SEE?
DROWSY
ALDOLPHO
ALDOLPHO
AND HOW SHOULD YOU REFER TO ME?
DROWSY
ALDOLPHO
ALDOLPHO
AND WHO IS IT I'LL ALWAYS BE?
DROWSY
ALDOLPHO
ALDOLPHO
NOW SING IT PROUDLY
DROWSY
YOU ARE ALDOLPHO
Page | 41
ALDOLPHO
AND NOW LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU
FOR ALL YOU LOVELY LADIES WHO DIDN'T HEAR FOR SOME REASON
MAYBE YOU ARE HARD OF HEARING OR SOMETHING - I DON'T
KNOW
IT GOES A-A-A-A-A-A
DO - HO- HO-HO- HO-HOL
F- F-F-F-F-FO
I AM ALDOLPHO
ALDOLPHO (ALDOLPHO and DROWSY recline on bed.)
#8a – Adolpho Playoff
MAN
(Raising the Murphy bed) This was my mother's favorite number in the show. I think it was her
secret fantasy to be swept off her feet by a Latin Lover. I mean a real Latin lover, not a buffoon.
(MAN raises the bed.)
#8b – “Accident” Preprise
But that's what musicals are all about, right? Romantic fantasy. Falling in love at the drop of a
hat! Spontaneous Tangoing. Suddenly finding yourself in an insanely romantic setting!
Page | 42
SCENE 6: TOTTENDALE'S GARDEN - AFTERNOON
ROBERT
I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN
LA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA
(Janet enters)
JANET
Robert, look out!
ROBERT
Don't worry, madam. I'm getting married today, so I have to wear a blindfold.
JANET
A blindfold?
ROBERT
I'm sorry. Who am I speaking to anyhow?
JANET
Why, it's me. I mean... Mimi. Mimi from France.
MAN
This scene couldn't be more ridiculous.
JANET
So, you are marrying Janet Van De Graaff, non?
ROBERT
Oui.
JANET
I hear she's very beautiful.
ROBERT
Oui.
JANET
And glamorous.
ROBERT
Ahh, oui. Oui.
Page | 43
JANET
Is it true that she has an exceptionally broad range and excels at playing both comedic and
dramatic roles?
ROBERT
Say, I'm having trouble placing your accent. What part of France are you from?
JANET
Oh... the middle part... where they make the toast. You were telling me about your, how do you
say it in English; fiance?
ROBERT
That's right.
JANET
Well, tell me, when was the moment when you knew that she was the only one for you.
ROBERT
It's a funny story, actually. We were standing on the Lido deck of the Isle de France -
JANET
Yes?
ROBERT
I was amusing her with stories of my father's oil interests -
JANET
And then what happened?
ROBERT
I looked into her eyes, her big glamorous eyes, and I felt all woozie -
JANET
And then you fell! Uh... and then you fell?
ROBERT
Yes. Right on my keister. And I said, "well, I guess I don't have my sea legs yet".
JANET
(Lost in the moment) But we haven't left the dock.
ROBERT
That's what she said. And that's when I knew it must be love.
Page | 44
JANET
And then you said...?
ROBERT
And then I said...
#9 – Accident Waiting to Happen
THERE WAS A TIME I COULD STOP ON A DIME
FORBEARANCE WAS ONE OF MY TALENTS
BUT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN AROUND I CAN'T HOLD MY GROUND
I'M CONSISTENTLY LOSING MY BALANCE
I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN
I'M A MISHAP ABOUT TO ENSUE
I'M THE TOY ON THE STAIR
THE THREE LEGGED CHAIR
THE HEM THAT'S BEEN CAUGHT BY A SHOE
WHEN MY TWO LOVESICK ARMS STARTED FLAPPIN'
THERE WAS NOTHING MY ANKLES COULD DO
I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN
SO HOW BE I HAPPEN TO YOU
JANET
Then what happened?
ROBERT
Why, she joined in.
JANET
WHEN MEN SAY I'M SWEET AND THEY FALL AT MY FEET
MY HEART DOESN'T BEAT ANY FASTER
BUT WHEN YOU LOSE CONTROL
IT TOUCHES MY SOUL
SO I'M BRACING MYSELF FOR DISASTER
ROBERT
Whoa!
JANET
YOU'RE AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN
A CATASTROPHE DESTINED TO BE
ROBERT
I'M THE RAGS IN THE CELLAR
Page | 45
JANET
A BROKEN UMBRELLER
TOGETHER
A BRANCH HANGING LOOSE FROM A TREE
JANET
I CAN SEE MYSELF JUMPIN' AND CLAPPIN'
FOR A MAN WHO LIVES DANGEROUSLY
TOGETHER
YOU'RE/I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN
JANET
SO HURRY AND HAPPEN TO ME (They dance.)
JANET
And then what happened?
ROBERT
Well, then... we kissed.
JANET & ROBERT
YOU'RE/I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN
SO HURRY AND HAPPEN TO ME (They kiss.)
JANET
Wait a minute... (Janet slaps Robert.) You kissed a strange French Girl on your wedding day!
ROBERT
Oh, no! What have I done! Wait! (Robert skates off.)
#9a – I Sure Did!
MAN
Well, it seems that the blindfold and the fake French accent have led to a terrible
misunderstanding. What a mess! Will it all work out in the end? Of course it will! It's not real!
It's a musical. Everything always works out in musicals. In the real world nothing ever works out
and the only people who burst into song are the hopelessly deranged.
Page | 46
SCENE 8: TOTTENDALE'S SALON - AFTERNOON
KITTY
Mr. Feldzieg.
FELDZIEG
Where's that philandering foreigner?
KITTY
Mr. Feldzieg.
FELDZIEG
How long can it take to seduce one bride?
KITTY
Mr. Feldzieg. You don't need Janet no more.
FELDZIEG
Kitty. Not now.
#9b – Kitty, The Incomprehensible
KITTY
I've been working on a Mind Reading act. Presenting "Kitty, the Incomprehensible." (KITTY
closes her eyes waves her fingers at FELDZIEG) Think of a number between 5 and 7.
FELDZIEG
6.
KITTY
No...
FELDZIEG
Kitty! The problem with your act is you got to have a mind to read one. (Kitty Exits. The
Gangsters enter.)
GANGSTER #1
Mr. Feldzieg.
GANGSTER #2
It would seem that the wedding is proceeding according to schedule.
GANGSTER #1
Now, it's time you received your just desserts. What, do you think partner? Should we whip up
Page | 47
something special for Mr. Feldzieg?
GANGSTER #2
Yeah. How about a Toledo Surprise?
GANGSTER #1
An inspired choice.
FELDZIEG
A Toledo Surprise? I never heard of that.
GANGSTER #1
No, you haven't. Those people who have heard of it are generally never heard from again.
GANGSTER #2
We'll share the recipe with you.
GANGSTER #1
First you chop the nuts -
GANGSTER #2
- then you pound the dough -
GANGSTER #1
- then you bake it up nice and slow -
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
- and then you got your Toledo...(slap) Toledo surprise.
FELDZIEG
Could you run that by me again?
GANGSTER #2
It's a very simple recipe Mr. Feldzieg.
GANGSTER #1
First you chop the nuts -
GANGSTER #2
- then you pound the dough -
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
- then you bake it up nice and slow -
And then you got your Toledo...
Page | 48
(slap)
Toledo surprise.
GANGSTER #1
Say why don't we give him a little taste?
GANGSTER #2
Alright. (The gangsters cock their fists.)
#10 – Toledo Surprise
FELDZIEG
Hold it! What style! What grace! What rhythm! Open your fists! Now shake'em! Now give me
that recipe one more time. Da, da, da, da, da, da, Go!
(The Gangsters dance and sing, tentatively.)
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
CHOP THE NUTS
POUND THE DOUGH
BAKE IT UP
FELDZIEG
Front!
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
NICE AND SLOW
THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO
TOLEDO SURPRISE
FELDZIEG
Now sell it!
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
PIT THE PEACH
PEEL THE SKIN
MUSH IT UP
THROW IT IN
THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO
TOLEDO SURPRISE
FELDZIEG
Now you're cooking!
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP
Page | 49
THEN YOU SWEET IT UP
WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP
IF IT TRIES TO RISE
DON'T LET IT
IT'S A SNAP
TRY IT FOLKS
WHIP YOUR WHITES
SPLIT YOUR YOLKS
THEN YOU GOT A SPLENDIDO
TOLEDO SURPRISE
FELDZIEG
You boy's are naturals.
GANGSTER #2
Honest?
FELDZIEG
Keep it up, I'll go work on the contracts.
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
Hey!
FELDZIEG
A-5-6-7-8.
(KITTY enters.)
KITTY
Mr. Feldzeig. Oh, what's going on here?
FELDZIEG
Kitty. I'm developing a new act.
GANGSTER #1& GANGSTER #2
TOLEDO SURPRISE
KITTY
You mean you're putting Gangsters in the show and you won't put me in? They're not even in
the union.
FELDZIEG
Shh. You got it all wrong. The new act - it's for you, Kitty. And these boys are your back up
dancers.
Page | 50
KITTY
Back up dancers? Holy Cats!
WHAT THAT HOT TOLEDO
DOES TO MY LIBIDO
GOOD? MMM, YES INDEEDO
SUGARY YUM YUM
SURPRISE!
KITTY
SQUEEZE THE CREAM
GREASE THE PAN
LICK THE SPOON
FLIP THE FLAN
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
OOO
OOO
OOO
OOO OOO OOO
KITTY (CONT'D)
MAKES YOU BUST YOUR TUXEDO
TOLEDO SURPRISE
(ALDOLPHO enters with the CHAPERONE.)
ALDOLPHO
Wait! Wait! Aldolpho, he make announcement. Wedding is off!
GEORGE
What? For the love of God why?
ALDOLPHO
Aldolpho has made love to the bride! (ALDOLPHO indicates CHAPERONE.)
ALL
Oh? Eww.
FELDZIEG
That's not the bride, you idiot. That is the Chaperone.
ALDOLPHO
Whaat?
Page | 51
GEORGE
The wedding is on! (JANET and ROBERT enter.)
JANET
The wedding is off!
GEORGE
What?
JANET
Robert kissed a French girl. Her name is Mimi. She's very beautiful.
ROBERT
I couldn't help it Janet. She was just like you, only French. (JANET slaps ROBERT.)
GEORGE
Sweet mother of pearl!
TOTTENDALE
Underling.
UNDERLING
Yes,madame.
TOTTENDALE
What is all this commotion about?
UNDERLING
The wedding, Madame.
TOTTENDALE
Oh, is there going to be a wedding?
FELDZIEG
Not anymore. Oh, what a tragedy! What a wonderful, wonderful tragedy! (FELDZIEG turns to
the GANGSTERS.) Clear the floor, boys, I'll show you how it's done.
FIRST YOU BEAT IT UP
THEN YOU SWEET IT UP
WHEN YOU HEAT IT UP
IF IT TRIES TO RISE
DON'T LET IT
(FELDZIEG dances).
TOLEDO SURPRISE!
Page | 52
TOTTENDALE
SURPRISE?
GANGSTER #1
WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY
TOTTENDALE
SURPRISE?
GANGSTER #2
WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY
TOTTENDALE
SURPRISE?
FELDZIEG
WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY
KITTY
NOW IT'S LOOKIN' READY
TOTTENDALE
SURPRISE!
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2 & KITTY & FELDZIEG
YOU GOT IT
TOTTENDALE
MAKES ME TWITCH
MAKES ME SHAKE
THIS DESSERT
TAKES THE CAKE
HITS ME LIKE A TORPEDO
TOLEDO SURPRISE
ALDOLPHO
TOLEDO SURPRISE
GEORGE
TOLEDO SURPRISE
UNDERLING
SURPRISE
Page | 53
DROWSY
SURPRISE
ALL
SURPRISE
(Dance break.)
SURPRISE
SURPRISE
(Kitty Screams)
CHOP THE NUTS
POUND THE DOUGH
BAKE IT UP
NICE AND SLOW
THEN YOU GOT A TOLEDO
TOLEDO SURPRISE
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE -
THEN YOU GOT A TOL-EE – (The record skips. The MAN rushes over to the record player and
stomps on the floor. The record continues.)
ALL (CONT'D)
SURPRISE!
WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY
SURPRISE!
WAIT 'NTIL IT'S READY
SURPRISE!
THAT'S A TASTY TOLEDO SURPRISE!
JANET
Why are we dancing? Our dreams are in tatters.
ROBERT
Yes. Yes.. But the tune is so infectious...
#10a – Act 1 Finale
JANET
Oh, Robert. This is the saddest day of my life!
Page | 54
ALL
WEDDING BELLS WON'T RING
WEDDING BELLS WON'T CHIME
THEY WILL NEVER CELEBRATE THEIR HAPPY WEDDING TIME!
Page | 55
SCENE 9: INTERMISSION MONOLOGUE
(The curtain falls. The man remains on stage.)
MAN
And that's that. The curtain falls, and it's time for the intermission. At least it would be, if we
were actually sitting in the Morosco Theatre watching The Drowsy Chaperone, which of course,
we are not. I don't like intermissions. They ruin the magic, you know? They yank you back into
reality. One minute you're lost in a glamorous world of music and romance, and then, bang,
you're surrounded by tourists. Crinkling candy wrappers and nattering about the lack of
women's restrooms. It's cruel. (Takes out a Powerbar and starts eating) Oh, it's a Powerbar. I
have a bit of a blood sugar issue. I have to eat small meals all day long or I get jittery. I know it's
rude, but you wouldn't like the alternative believe you me. Believe you me. (He changes the
record) I remember MY wedding day. I didn't eat breakfast and the ceremony wasn't until four
in the afternoon. Aaaah! I do, I do! Are you surprised that I was married? Well, there you are:
you shouldn't go making assumptions about people, should you? I'm a very complicated
person. I have to pee now. I'll be quick, and while I'm gone, you can listen to the beginning of
Act two. (Disappears behind the curtain)
Page | 56
SCENE 10: ORIENTAL PALACE - DAY
(An oriental palace fills the stage. A courtesan and two Asian slave boys enter.)
#11 – Message from a Nightingale
KITTY
I BLING A MESSAGE FROM A NIGHTINGALE.
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
NIGHTINGALE, NIGHTINGALE, NIGHTINGALE SONG
KITTY
I BLING A MESSAGE
FROM A NIGHTINGALE
GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
-ONG, -ONG, -ONG, -ONG
NIGHTINGALE AHHH!
(An oriental despot storms on, followed by an American lady in an Edwardian gown.)
ALDOLPHO
You no bow? Emperor and American lady no see eye to eye.
DROWSY
But Emperor, sometimes a different outlook can change your point of view.
ALDOLPHO
Whaaa?
DROWSY
Precisely.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE ASIANS
THAT FASCINATES CAUCASIANS
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE ASIANS
THAT'S SO NICE
IS IT THE WON TONS? THE EGG ROLLS? THE RICE?
PERHAPS IT'S BUDDHA OR CONFUSCIOUS AND THEIR EXCELLENT ADVICE
ALDOLPHO
WHAT IS IT ABOUT CAUCASIANS
THAT MYSTIFIES WE ASIANS?
WHAT IS IT ABOUT CAUCASIANS THAT'S SO ODD?
Page | 57
THEY CALL A PRETTY LADY A BROAD
THEY HAVE HAIR UPON THEIR CHEST
AND THEY ONLY HAVE ONE GOD?
IMPOSSIBLE
ALDOLPHO & DROWSY
WHAAAA...
Page | 58
SCENE 11: ACT II INTRO MONOLOGUE
(The man rushes on and removes the record from the record player.)
MAN
Sorry. That song was not from The Drowsy Chaperone, needless to say. That was from another
musical entirely. I have a woman who comes in once a month; can you say that? I have a
woman? Anyway, she cleans the things that I absolutely refuse to clean. She's very good, but
she has an annoying habit of putting my records away, and in the wrong sleeves. Even though I
say "No touch records, Carmela. No touch records." He exchanges the record. I suppose if I
spoke to her in complete sentences she'd stop touching my records. Anyway, that song opened
Act Two of another Gable and Stein show called The Enchanted Nightingale, a degrading piece
of Chinois about an Emperor who is told by a magic bird to marry his American Elocutionist
instead of his betrothed and he ends up building the Great Wall of China. A slap in the face to
four thousand years of Chinese history, I know. But it had some wonderful tunes. That was
Beatrice Stockwell as "American Lady," and did you recognize Roman Bartelli as the Emperor?
Yes, he was a man of a thousand accents - all of them insulting. (He puts the record on.) Act Two
of the Drowsy Chaperone begins with this, (starts record) a haunting lament from a very
depressed Bride. She sings it standing on her balcony bathed in the pale blue light of a
sympathetic moon, which is ridiculous because it's the middle of the day.
Page | 59
SCENE 12: COURTYARD - AFTERNOON
(Spoken over intro instrumental.) Now, while you're listening to this, try to ignore the lyrics. I
know it will be difficult, but block them out. They're not the best, but the tune is beautiful, and
it truly communicates the bride's state of mind. Just ignore the lyrics.
#12 – Bride’s Lament
JANET
I PUT A MONKEY ON A PEDESTAL
AND TRIED TO MAKE THAT MONKEY STAY
AND HE DID FOR A TIME
BUT HE NEEDED TO CLIMB
AND WITH OTHER MONKEYS PLAY
Far away
HE LEFT HIS JACKET ON THAT PEDESTAL
BESIDE HIS TINY RUSTY CUP
AND I HAVEN'T GOT THE STRENGTH TO PICK THEM UP
OH MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY
YOU BROKE MY HEART IN TWO
BUT I'LL ALWAYS SAVE THAT PEDESTAL
FOR YOU
MAN
I'm just going to pour myself a brandy.
JANET
COME MY LITTLE MONKEY
COME MY LITTLE MONKEY, DO
MAN
The melody is so simple, it just floats in the air. And I must confess I always get a little bit misty
when I think of that tiny jacket lying on the pedestal, its long sleeves dangling on the floor.
JANET & MAN
OH MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY
JANET
YOU BROKE MY HEART IN TWO
BUT I'LL ALWAYS SAVE THAT PEDESTAL
MAN
PEDESTAL
Page | 60
JANET
FOR YOU
COME MY LITTLE MONKEY
COME MY LITTLE MONKEY
DO
MAN
Okay, here we go...
JANET
Wait!
MAN
Who are you?
JANET
I'm Janet Van De Graaff!
MAN
Do you need anyone?
JANET
I don't need anyone!
MAN
(Speaking quickly) What about the love of one man?
JANET
What do I care about the love of one man when I am adored by millions!
DO I NEED TO BE SO GLOOMY?
JANET & MAN
NO, NO, NO
JANET
I COULD RULE WORLD
IF SO I CHOSE
SIGMUND FREUD SENDS FLOWERS TO ME
EVERY SHOW GERTRUDE STEIN SHE HANDED ME A ROSE
MAN
Now she really lets go.
Page | 61
JANET
I'M JANET
JANET VANDEGRAFF
AIN'T NO NAIL THAT I CAN'T HAMMER
WHY GIVE UP A LIFE OF GLAMOUR
LIFE OF GLAMOUR
LIFE OF GLAMOUR
NOOOOOOO!!
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY
MAN
I love this part.
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY
MAN
She's having a complete mental breakdown!
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY
JANET
I'M AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY
JANET
I DON'T WANT TO SHOW OFF NO MORE
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY
JANET
I DON'T WANT TO SPREAD MIRTH NO MORE
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY
JANET
BE THE GREATEST ON EARTH NO MORE
Page | 62
I DON'T WANNA
I WANNA
I DON'T WANNA
I WANNA
I DON'T
I DO
I DON'T
I DO
I DON'T WANNA SHOW OFF
DROWSY, GEORGE, ALDOLPHO, KITTY, FELDZIEG, GANGSTER #1 & GANGSTER #2
STAY JANET STAY JANET STAY UPON THE STAGE JANET
MILLIONS WANT TO SEE YOU SHINE
JANET
AND I SAY SURE JANET SURE JANET
FUTURE IS SECURE JANET
MILLIONS WILL DO JUST FINE
BUT ANY FUTURE I COULD EVER CARE TO SHAPE
INCLUDES JUST ONE TWO TIMIN' CAD WHO DRIVES ME APE
CHORUS
SHE PUT A MONKEY
ON A PEDESTAL
AND TRIED TO MAKE
THAT MONKEY STAY
AND HE DID FOR A TIME
BUT HE NEEDED TO CLIMB
AND WITH OTHER
MONKEYS PLAY
JANET
Oh Robert! What a fool I've been! A hapless
fool! I know now that I love you, but I've
thrown it all away! I love you monkey...but is
love enough? Is love ever enough?
CHORUS
THAT'S THE STORY OF A MONKEY GONE ASTRAY
JANET
I ASK
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY
JANET
THE STARS
Page | 63
CHORUS
MONKEY MONKEY
JANET
ABOVE
IS IT THE MONKEY OR MY PEDESTAL
I LOVE
MAN
Don't you just love that number? It has everything: a little Busby Berkley; a little Jane Goodall.
And that's another thing I love about musicals in general. When a character is in crisis they sing
and they dance. Which is so much more interesting than just whining about it. But that's the
glory of musical theatre – (Phone rings.)
Oh! Oh! You see? This is what I'm talking about. This is life. You manage to be happy for five
seconds and then something starts ringing!
Page | 64
SCENE 13: HALLWAY - LATE AFTERNOON
(The MAN struggles with the answering machine as TOTTENDALE and UNDERLING enter.
UNDERLING is pushing the drink cart.)
TOTTENDALE
What a beautiful day for a wedding.
#13 – Vaudeville Entrance
UNDERLING
Shall I have the pews removed now, or would you prefer I wait until morning? (The MAN lifts
the needle.)
MAN
Okay. I'm going to stop here because I don't want this number ruined by a ringing telephone.
Here we have two Vaudeville performers, who have slipped through the cracks of time. They
are Noel Fitzpatrick and Ukulele Lil. I don't know anything about them. I suppose Ukulele Lil
played the Ukulele, although she doesn't in this show. Actually, I tried to find out more about
her; I went through all my books, I even tried the internet but all my searches ended with Tiny
Tim's autopsy photographs. Anyway, they're both charming. (He replaces the needle.)
TOTTENDALE
Why would you have the pews removed?
UNDERLING
The bride has called off the wedding, madam.
TOTTENDALE
Oh, Underling. Never listen to a bride on her wedding day. Why, on my wedding day I was
completely incoherent. Remember?
UNDERLING
It seems like only yesterday.
TOTTENDALE
Love is a very complex emotion, Underling.
UNDERLING
Yes, madam.
TOTTENDALE
You can be very close to someone one minute, and the next minute, why you just want to
strangle them, do you understand?
Page | 65
UNDERLING
I'm familiar with the concept.
TOTTENDALE
You see? That's just the nature of love.
#14 – Love Is Always Lovely
TOTTENDALE
LOVE MAKES LOVERS WORRY
LOVE MAKES LOVERS FRET
BUT HERE'S A FACT ON WHICH WE CAN DEPEND
JUST LIKE LONG AGO WHEN ROMEO LOVED JULIET
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END
UNDERLING
Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy, madam.
TOTTENDALE
Oh, I never read reviews.
LOVE CAN START A QUARREL
LOVE CAUSE A DIN
BUT LOVE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TRUSTY FRIEND
'TWAS A HAPPY FATE FOR HANK THE EIGHT AND ANNE BOLEYN
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END
UNDERLING
Might I remind you, madam, that Anne Boleyn lost her head?
TOTTENDALE
Yes! She was in love!
LOVE WAS GOOD TO EVE AND ADAM
UNDERLING
Here we go again
TOTTENDALE
AND SAMSON AND DELILAH TOO
UNDERLING
Good grief.
MAY I POSE A QUESTION, MADAM?
Page | 66
TOTTENDALE
Why yes, of course.
UNDERLING
WHY DOES NOTHING I SAY TO YOU EVER GET THROUGH?
TOTTENDALE
Don't mind if I do. (They dance a soft shoe. During their dance, the telephone rings. The MAN
rushes over to it and, after a brief struggle, rips it out of the wall. The dance concludes.)
UNDERLING & TOTTENDALE
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END
UNDERLING
Oh. I found that quite taxing, madam. Excuse me while I pour myself a glass of ice water.
(UNDERLING goes to the cart and pours himself a drink. TOTTENDALE follows him, singing.)
TOTTENDALE
LOVE SNEAKS UP BEHIND YOU
LOVE DROPS FROM ABOVE
BUT LOVE WOULD NEVER CONSCIOUSLY OFFEND
LOVE HAS CERTAINLY BEEN KIND TO ME AND MY TRUE LOVE
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END
UNDERLING
BUT YOUR LATE HUSBAND WAS A BRUTE
TOTTENDALE
I DON'T MEAN HIM, YOU SILLY COOT (UNDERLING does a spit take.)
TOTTENDALE (CONT'D)
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY
UNDERLING
LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY
UNDERLING & TOTTENDALE
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY IN THE END (They exit.)
Page | 67
SCENE 14: JANET'S BRIDAL SUITE - LATE AFTERNOON
MAN
Yes, that was charming, but to be frank, on some level, that number pisses me off. Now, I'm
going to say something here, and yes I have been drinking, but I am going to go out on a limb
here and say that love is not always lovely in the end. Often, in the end, there are lawyers. And
another thing - and another thing - surely someone was aware of the awkward sexual
connotation of that title? I mean, is it just me? I guess what I'm saying is that number is naive.
And irresponsibly so. Sorry. I just thought that needed to be said for the benefit of the young
people. I won't interrupt anymore. Oh! There's a moment coming up that I've become obsessed
with.
#14a – Incidental
JANET
There you are. Oh, Chaperone, I'm in a terrible state.
DROWSY
You certainly are. You can't go to the wedding looking like that.
JANET
Oh, you poor Dear. Haven't you heard? The wedding's been called off.
DROWSY
Not your wedding. Mine. Oh! That reminds me. Might I borrow your veil?
JANET
You're getting married? But, to whom? (Aldolpho enters in a bathrobe, singing.)
ALDOLPHO
Mi casa esta encendida. (notices JANET) Ah, beautiful lady with baffled expression.
JANET
You're marrying Aldolpho?
DROWSY
I know it's surprising, but when I look into his eyes, his big, clumsy eyes, I get all drowsy. And
that's love, isn't it?
ALDOLPHO (to DROWSY)
Yes, Dear. That is love. (to JANET, whispered) Help me! (George bursts in. He rushes over to
Janet.)
Page | 68
GEORGE
There you are. Alright, I'm going to put my cards on the table. I got a weak heart; can't take the
pressure. If this goes on any longer, the ol' ticker's going to give out. Please. Tell me. Is there
going to be a wedding or not?
JANET
Yes.
GEORGE
Thank the good Lord in heaven!
JANET
Aldolpho and the Chaperone are getting married.
GEORGE
What? (UNDERLING and TOTTENDALE rush in.)
TOTTENDALE
There you are. I have wonderful news. There's going to be a wedding.
GEORGE
We know.
TOTTENDALE
You know?
GEORGE
Yes. We just heard.
TOTTENDALE
But who told you?
JANET
I did.
TOTTENDALE
But how did YOU know?
GEORGE
What difference does it make!
UNDERLING
Mrs. Tottendale and I are to be married in the Garden at 7:30 today.
Page | 69
GEORGE
What?
TOTTENDALE
What? Oh, yes.
JANET
Congratulations. To everyone.
GEORGE
Say, what kind of cockamamie wedding is this? Everybody's getting married except the bride
and groom! Robert rushes in.
ROBERT
There you are. Aw Janet, I've been looking everywhere for you.
JANET
Hello, Mr. Martin.
ROBERT
Please don't be that way. Can't you find it in your heart to marry me? Janet, it's our wedding
day, George has gone to all this trouble, and, well, I do love you, more than I can say...
#15 – “Accident” Underscore
JANET
But you kissed another woman.
ROBERT
Yes. And I just can't understand it. I know this may sound ridiculous, but when I was kissing that
French girl, why it was just like kissing you.
JANET
Oh, Robert. You were kissing me.
ROBERT
You mean, you're Mimi? Well! That accent was remarkably accurate.
JANET
Why, thank you. I developed it when I played the role of Monique in "Hold that Baguette."
(Feldzeig, Kitty and the Gangsters burst in.)
FELDZIEG
There you are! Before you do anything, think about this: no matter how well you play the part
Page | 70
of the "happy wife", you'll never, ever get a standing ovation.
JANET
Oh, I just don't know. Oh, I'm so confused. Chaperone, please, I beg you, just this one time give
me some advice that is coherent and appropriate to the situation. Should I marry Robert?
MAN
Okay. Now here it comes. The moment I was talking about. Not only the culmination of the
plot, but a moment that has fascinated me more than any other and that has brought me back
to this record again and again. Here it comes.
DROWSY
Well, my advice to you is -
MAN
And this is it. Listen.
DROWSY
(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.
MAN
You see? You can't quite make out what she says because someone drops a cane. I'll play it for
you again.
DROWSY
(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.
MAN
Is she saying "live while you can", or "leave while you can,"?
DROWSY
(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.
MAN
I mean, it's Beatrice Stockwell, so it might just be a cynical quip, but this is a wedding and that's
exactly what you think when you're standing at the altar, isn't it, "Live" or "Leave" and you have
to live. Because you do love her in some way. It's not an exact science. An arrow doesn't come
out of the sky and point to the one you're supposed to be with. So, one day you say it to
someone, you say "I love you" and you basically phrase it as a question, but they accept it as
fact and then suddenly there she is standing in front of you in a three thousand dollar dress
with tears in her eyes, and her nephew made the huppah, so what do you do? Do you say I was
kidding, I was joking? No, you can't! You live, right? You choose to live. And for a couple of
months you stare at the alien form lying next to you in bed and you think to yourself "Who are
you? Who are you?" And one day you say it out loud... then it's a trial separation and couples
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counseling and all your conversations are about her eating disorder and your Zoloft addiction,
and you're constantly redefining and re-evaluating and revisiting before you finally lose the
deposit on the house and the whole "relationship" boils down to an animated email on your
birthday. But still, in the larger sense, in a broader sense, it's better to have lived than left,
right?
DROWSY
(Aldolpho drops his cane.) L-ve while you can.
MAN
You have no idea how many times I've listened to that.
JANET
Oh, Chaperone, you certainly have a way with words. Robert, my answer is yes. I will marry you.
GEORGE
Wonderful! Wonderful! (The GANGSTERS approach FELDZIEG and KITTY.)
GANGSTER #1
Well, Mr. Feldzieg it look like this wedding is a done deal.
GANGSTER #2
Now you're in truffle.
GANGSTER #1
And there's muffin you can do about it.
FELDZIEG
But there is. I found a replacement: a new leading lady. (Points to orchestra)
#16 – Kitty, The Incredible
Presenting, "Kitty the Incomprehensible." Okay Kitty, now concentrate and show the boys how
you can read my mind. (KITTY concentrates.)
KITTY
"Kitty, will you marry me?" Holy Cats! Mr. Feldzieg! Yes! Yes! (KITTY and FELDZEIG laugh)
FELDZIEG
(Trapped) Isn't she amazing? (Everyone cheers. The guests prepare themselves for the ceremony
as GEORGE sings.)
GEORGE
Well, what are you waiting for? You ladies go put on your frillies. We'll all get married in one big
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clump; that's how they do it in Utah.
ROBERT
Well, George, I don't know how you managed to pull it off. Four weddings in one day! I guess
you're everybody's best man now.
GEORGE
I am?
MEN
AD Lib: Of course etc...
GEORGE
I am!
MEN
Hip Hip Horray!
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SCENE 15: TOTTENDALE'S GARDEN - SUNSET
#17 – Wedding Bells #2
MEN
HE'S GEORGE! HE'S GEORGE!
THE BEST MAN GEORGE
GEORGE
I'M HONORED TO BE DOING
WHAT A BEST MAN OUGHT
MEN & GEORGE
I'M/HE'S BASKING IN THE GLORY
OF A FIGHT WELL FOUGHT
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE
A HAPPY WEDDING TIME
(WOMEN enter in Bridal attire.)
ALL
WEDDING BELLS WILL CELEBRATE
A HAPPY WEDDING TIME!
GEORGE
Minister you may begin. (He holds up a finger, the only one that still has a string tied around it)
Oh no, I forgot the Minister! (Aviatrix descends.) Who the hell are you?
TRIX
I'M TRIX THE AVIATRIX
QUEEN OF THE SKY
TO RIO I WAS WENDING
WHEN MY ENGINE NEEDED MENDING
I'LL FIX MY NAVIGATRIX
AND THEN I'LL FLY
AND LET YOU LOVEBIRDS TIE THE KNOT
So sorry to crash the party, folks. But we'll have this fixed in two shakes and then off to Rio for
Carnival!
ROBERT
Wait! The captain of a ship can perform a marriage!
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ALL
Yes!
UNDERLING
And a pilot is comparable to a captain.
ALL
Yes!
ALDOLPHO
And airplane is a kind of a ship. A ship of the air. Some call it an airship!
ALL
Oh, ship! Yes!
GEORGE
Wait! I got it! Trix! You can marry them on the plane and then we'll all have the honeymoon in
Rio!
ALL
Hoorah!!!
#18 – I Do, I Do In The Sky
TRIX
A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL
MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE
BUT WHAT A THRILL WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL
I DO, I DO IN THE SKY
WHEN VOWS ARE SAID
IN A MEADOW
THE BEES AND
DAFFODIL SIGH
ALL
WHEN VOWS ARE SAID
IN A MEADOW
AHHHH
TRIX (CONT'D)
BUT HEARTBEATS RUSH WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH
ALL
I DO, I DO IN THE SKY
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TRIX
DO YOU?
TOTTENDALE & UNDERLING
WE DO
TRIX
DO YOU?
DROWSY & ALDOLPHO
WE DO
TRIX
DO YOU?
FELDZIEG & KITTY
WE DO
TRIX
DO YOU?
ROBERT & JANET
WE DO
ALL
A BRIDE AND GROOM IN A CHAPEL
MAY BRING A TEAR TO THE EYE
TRIX
WITH RAINBOWS BENDING BEFORE US
AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY
ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN
ALL
I DO, I DO IN THE SKY
WHEN VOWS ARE SAID IN A MEADOW
THE BEES AND DAFFODIL SIGH
TRIX
BUT HEART BEATS RUSH
WHEN SWEETHEARTS GUSH
ALL
I DO, I DO IN THE SKY
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I DO, I DO IN THE SKY
MEN
Look! Up ahead! Do you see it?
WOMEN
Could it be? Yes! It's Rio!
JANET
Well, hurry up Trix. We've got some honeymooning to do!
ALL
THEN FLY-Y-Y-Y-Y
THEN FLY
TRIX
THEN FLY
ALL
IT'S SUCH A THRILL
WHEN LOVEBIRDS TRILL
LET'S FLY
AND CLOUDS MEANDERING BY
TRIX
ONE CAN'T RESTRAIN THAT SWEET REFRAIN
ALL
I DO
UP IN THE – (With the last note, the power goes out, the record winds down, and the stage is
plunged into blackness.)
MAN
Oh, no. Oh, I can't believe it. Okay. Everybody stay calm. This happens occasionally. It's a
horrible old apartment with terrible wiring. He rummages around for a flashlight. Just
concentrate. Just keep the show alive in your minds. He finds a flashlight and turns it on. Don't
talk to anyone. Don't let yourselves be distracted. I'll find the fuse box. (There's a knock at the
door.) Everybody be quiet. (The knocking continues.)
SUPERINTENDENT
It's the super.
MAN
Oh, God. (He goes and opens the door. Another flashlight appears.)
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SUPERINTENDENT
Hi.
MAN
Hello.
SUPERINTENDENT
Your lights are out.
MAN
Yes.
SUPERINTENDENT
Yeah, we had to shut the power off because we're replacing the breaker panel in the basement.
MAN
Yes.
SUPERINTENDENT
So, we replaced it, but when we turned the power off the breakers in all the apartments
tripped.
MAN
Yes.
SUPERINTENDENT
That's what happens. It's normal.
MAN
Yes.
SUPERINTENDENT
So, I got to reset your breakers.
MAN
Oh. Now?
SUPERINTENDENT
It'll only take a second.
MAN
Alright. Alright. (The two flashlights move across the stage illuminating the frozen cast with
occasional light.)
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SUPERINTENDENT
Because I tried calling you earlier before, but there was no answer.
MAN
Really? How odd.
SUPERINTENDENT
Here we go. (The SUPERINTENDENT switches the power back on, the lights come on revealing
the cast, and the music roars back.)
ALL
SKY! (The man quickly takes the needle off the record.)
SUPERINTENDENT
What was that?
MAN
Um, it was a record.
SUPERINTENDENT
What kind of music was that?
MAN
It was just music. It was a show. You know, a musical.
SUPERINTENDENT
You like musicals?
MAN
No.
SUPERINTENDENT
I love musicals. I go with the wife all the time. It's amazing what they can do nowadays. Did you
see Miss Saigon? They landed a helicopter on stage in that one. (MAN Glances at the plane)
Yeah, I've seen 'em all. I've seen Cats, Les Miz, Saturday Night Fever - I liked the movie better -
MAN
Really. Well, goodbye. (He closes the door.)
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SCENE 16: WRAP UP
MAN
Well that's it: it's ruined. One note away from the end of the show and the mood is broken.
(pause) I should just start the record again from the beginning. No. I can't do that, can I? Oh, it's
so frustrating. You have to understand, I love this show so much. And I've never even seen it.
My mother gave me the record. This was just before my father left us. Oh, he didn't leave
because of the record, although I'm sure it didn't help matters. Look I know it's not a perfect
show; the spit take scene is lame and the monkey motif is labored. But none of that matters. It
does what a musical is supposed to do: it takes you to another world. And it gives you a little
tune to carry within your head, you know? A little something to help you escape from the
dreary horrors of the real world. A little something for when you're feeling blue. You know?
#19 – Finale Ultimo
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
ON LIFE'S FUNNY JOURNEY
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
INTO THE BLUE
WE LOOK HERE AND WE LOOK THERE
SEEKING ANSWERS ANYWHERE
NEVER SURE OF WHERE TO TURN OR WHAT TO DO
ROBERT
I'M ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN (The company joins him on stage, they join in.)
MAN
STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY
THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH
BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT
NOR RIGHT FROM WRONG
JANET
I DON'T WANT TO SING TUNES NO MORE
GEORGE
WEDDING BELLS WILL RING
WEDDING BELLS WILL CHIME
FELDZIEG & GANGSTERS
TOLEDO SURPRISE
TOTTENDALE
LOVE IS ALWAYS LOVELY
UNDERLING
LOVELY
ALDOLPHO
I AM ALDOLPHO
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KITTY
SURPRISE
DROWSY
AND THE BEST THAT WE CAN DO
IS HOPE A BLUEBIRD
DROWSY & MAN
WILL SING HIS SONG
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
ALL
STILL WE BUMBLE OUR WAY
THROUGH LIFE'S CRAZY LABYRINTH
TRIX
BARELY KNOWING LEFT FROM RIGHT
OR RIGHT FROM WRONG
AND THE
ALL
BEST THAT WE CAN DO
IS HOPE A BLUE BIRD
WILL SING HIS SONG
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
AS WE STUMBLE
BUMBLE, FUMBLE, TUMBLE
AS WE STUMBLE ALONG
AHHHH
MAN
Goodbye everybody! (The MAN is flown into the flies. He dips down to retrieve the record
before disappearing.)
Curtain
#20 - Bows
#21 – Exit Music