PB1161

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Focus on DOs Instead of DON’Ts Adultsoftenusewordslikedon’t, stop, and quitwhentalkingwithchildren.Thoughthesewordsareeasytouse,theyoftendon’twork.Whenwefocusontellingchildrenwhatnottodo,wedon’thelpthemtolearnwhattheyshoulddoinstead.Inotherwords,theydonotlearnhowtheyaresupposedtoact.ChangingtheDONTsintoDOsshowsthechildabetterwaytobehave.

DON’Ts DOsDon’tthrowtheballinthehouse. Rolltheballonthefloor.

Don’tsqueezedthekitten. Holdthekittengently.

Don’ttouchthecake. Justlookatthecakewithouttouchingit.

Child Guidance TechniquesCredits

This publication is a revision of the original booklet written by Roberta C. Frazier and published by The Agricultural Extension Service, Washington State University, and reprinted with permission by University of Tennessee Extension. The revision was written by Denise J. Brandon, Associate Professor and Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Specialist and Clint E. Cummings, Extension Agent I in Knox County, Tennessee.

Build Feelings of Confidence

Childrenneedtofeelthattheycandothingsandthattheyarevaluable.Ifchildrenhaveapositiveattitude,theywillwanttotrynewthingsandwillapproachschoolandothersituationswithconfidence.Youcanhelpbuildconfidenceinchildrenbymakingpositiveremarks.Negativeandbelittlingremarkscausechildrentoloseself-confidence.

Child Guidance TechniquesWorkingwithchildren,whetheryouarea

parentorachildcareworker,canbeoneofthemostrewardingthingsyouwilleverdo.Itcanalsobeoneofthemostchallenging.Somepeopleseemtohaveanaturalabilitytoworkwithchildren,butothersfinditverydifficult.Bylearningafewsimpletechniques,youcanimproveyourabilitytoworkwithchildren.

Howchildrenthinkaffectstheirbehavior.Whenweunderstandhowchildrenthink,wecanbemoreeffectiveinimprovingtheirbehavior.Theguidancemethodsincludedinthisbookletusuallyworkwellwithyoungchildren.

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SituationJoséspillsthegarbageheiscarryingoutforyou.

Sophieisupsetbecauseherfriendscan’tvisit.

Brandonisfrustratedbecausehecan’tgetapuzzlepiecetofit.

NegativeRemarkCan’tyoueverdoanythingright?

Don’tbesuchababy!

Ifyoudon’tstopthatfussing,Iwillputthepuzzleaway.

PositiveRemarkThat’sahardjob.Nexttimecarryitthisway,anditwon’tspill.

Yourfriendsarebusytoday;let’sthinkofsomethingelsetodo.

Let’sseewhyitdidn’twork.Tryturningthepiecethisway.

Change the Surroundings to Change Behavior

Whenyoudon’tapproveofachild’sbehavior,itisimportanttolookforthecauseofthebehavior.Sometimesyoucansolvetheproblembysimplychangingthesurroundings.Ifyourchildspillsmilkateverymeal,trygivingheradifferenttypeofcup.Awide,heavy-bottomedcupwillreducetipping.Ifchildrenkickeachotherunderthedinnertable,youcanrearrangetheseatingtorelievetheproblem.Useyourimagination.

Give Only Choices You Can Accept

Sometimesweofferchoiceswhenwereallydon’tintendto,andthiscreatesproblemsforeveryone.IfTerenceisnotallowedtogooutsidewithouthiscoat,forexample,youareaskingfortroublewhenyouaskifhewantstowearit.Chancesarethathewillchoosenotto.Therewasneverreallyachoiceinthematter,butTerencethinkshehasachoicebecausehewasaskedforhisopinion.

Whenyoutellhimthathecannotgooutsidewithoutwearinghiscoat,therewilllikelybeanargument.Fortunately,thereisawaytoavoidthisproblem.Choicesshouldonlybegivenwhenyoucanaccepteitheranswer.Ifyouask,“Doyouwanttowearyourredjacketoryourblueone?”yougiveachoiceforwhicheitheranswerisacceptable,andbothpartiesarehappy.Ifthereisnochoiceinvolved,asimple“Youmustputonyourcoatbeforeyougooutside,”getsbetterresults.Itisimportantforchildrentolearntomakedecisions.Itisdifficultforthemwhenthedecisionstheymakearenotaccepted.

Work With Children Instead of Against Them

Childrenhavedifferentneedsatdifferentagesandstagesofdevelopment.Youcanavoidmanyproblemsbyworkingwithachild’snaturaltendenciesinsteadofagainstthem.Forexample,toddlerslearnthroughtheirfivesenses.Theyneedtotouch,taste,smell,seeandhearobjectstobegintounderstandthem.Childrenneedasafeareainwhichtheyare

freetousetheirsenses,butparentsandcaregiversneedtomakesurethatallofthechild’ssurroundingsaresafe.Onewaytodothisistoremoveasmanybreakableorunsafeitemsaspossiblefromareaswherethechildwillbe.Aschildrengetolder,theywillmoveintodifferentstagesof

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development.Theywillhavelearnedwhatwillbreakandwhatisdangerous.Youwillbeabletoputbackthosethingsyouhadtoputawaywhentheywereveryyoung.

Childrenlearnveryquickly,andtheyshouldbeencouragedtotrynewthingsasmuchaspossible.Ifyourchildlikestopourmilkatthetable,youcanprovideasmallpitcherthatwillbeeasyforhimorhertouse.Remember,everythingisnewtochildren.Whatmayseemlikeamesstoyouisactuallyalearningexperienceforchildren.Childrenalsoliketotakethingsapart.Ifyoupunishachildfortakingthingsapart,youareworkingagainsthisorhernaturalcuriosity.Youcantakecareofthisdesiretotakethingsapartbyprovidingtoysandsafehouseholditemsthatcanbetakenapartandputbacktogethereasily.

Plan AheadChildrencangetboredeasily.Goingtothe

grocerystoreortothedoctor’sofficeisnofunforus,muchlessforourchildren.Wemaybeabletowaitpatientlyforaprescriptiontobefilled,buthalfanhourcanseemlikeaneternitytoayoungchild.Whenchildrenarebored,theyoftenmisbehave.Unlesstheplaceyouarevisitingisdesignedforchildren,youwillneedtotakealongsomethingsforthemtodo.Youcanplanaheadforthesesituationsbykeepingsomecoloringbooks,crayonsandtoyssuchassmalldollsorcarsandgamesorpuzzlesinabagtotakealongwithyou.Youcanchangethecontentsregularlysoyourchildrenstayinterested.Itmaybeimportantforyourchildtobequietwhilewaiting,sokeepthatinmindwhenyouarechoosingtoystoincludeinthebag.

Whentakinglongtrips,youshouldplanforfrequentstops,atleastonceeachhour.Chooseplaceswherechildrencanwalkorrunsafelyforafewminutestohelpgetridoftheirpentupenergy.Take

alonggames,booksandsmalltoystokeepyourchildrenentertained.Packsomenutritioussnacksandwatertosavemoneyandhavethemreadywhenyouneedthem.

Anotherwayyoucanhelpchildrenistoletthembeinvolvedinwhatyouaredoing.Ifyouhavetime,letyourchildrenhelpyoupickoutitemsinthegrocerystore.Youcanalsoaskthemtohelpyoulookforroadsignsorlandmarkswhenyouaredriving.Theycanfeelhelpfulandmakeyourdailytasksmorepleasant.

Set Limits and Stick to Them

Limitsgivechildrensafetyandsecurity.Believeitornot,childrenwanttoknowthattherearelimitstowhattheycanandcannotdo.Notonlydotheyneedtoknowthelimits,childrenshouldalsohavethefreedomtomakedecisionswithinthoselimits.However,don’toffertoomuchfreedom.Childrenwhohaveeithertoomuchortoolittlefreedomhavesomeofthesameemotionalandbehavioralproblems.Thebestthingtodoissetreasonablelimitsandsticktothem.

Thelimitsyousetmaybedifferentforeachchild.Somechildrenseemtoneedmanyrules,butotherscanmanagewithfewer.Decidinguponlimitscanbedifficult.Ifyouansweryestothefollowingquestions,thenyouprobablyneedthelimitforyourchild:

Isthelimitneededtokeepmychildorotherssafe?Isitneededtoprotectproperty?Isthisalimitthatisappropriateformychild’sage?CanIenforcethislimit?

Ifyouansweryestothefollowingquestions,youmayneedtorethinkwhetherthislimitisneededforyourchild:

Isthislimitmostlytomakethingseasyforme?Doesthislimitkeepmychildfromtryingnewthingsandlearning?Itisbettertohaveafewlimitsforthingsthatare

importantratherthanhavinglimitsforeverything.Alonglistoflimitsishardforchildrentorememberandmayfrustratethem.Also,parentsneedtobeabletoenforcethelimits.Childrenneedtoknowthat

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youwillnotletthemgetawaywithbreakingtherules.Theyfeelsecurewhenyoudowhatyousayyouwilldo,soyouneedtofollowthroughwithdiscipline.Youcanteachself-disciplinetochildrenbyofferingthemthechancetohelpsetlimitsastheygrowolder.

Sometimeswesetlimitswiththephrase“becauseIsayso”withoutthinkingaboutthereasonformakingit.Othertimeswemayslipintothehabitofalwayssaying“no”withoutthinkingaboutwhatthechildisasking.Youdon’tneedtoexplaineverylimittoyourchild,butyoushouldknowwhyyouhavesetthatlimit.

Listen to Yourself and to Your Child

Stopandlistentoyourselfsometimes.Ifyouhearyourselfsayingthingslike,“IfI’vetoldyouonce,I’vetoldyouadozentimes...”thenitistimetotryanewapproach.Ifyouhavetoldyourchildrensomethingadozentimes,andtheystilldon’tlisten,sayingitagainwon’tmakeadifference!Ifsomethingdoesnotworkinthebusinessworld,goodmanagersdonotkeepdoingthesameoldthinginhopesthatitwillworkeventually.Neithershouldyou.Youshouldtryanewapproach.Listeningtoyourselfwillgiveyouthechancetomakechangesinthewayyoutalktochildren.

Listeningtochildrenwillalsogivecluesaboutwhattheyhavebeenlearning.Childrenoftenlearnsomethingotherthanwhatwearetryingtoteach.Theyoftenlearnwaystoavoidgettingintrouble!

Set a Good ExampleChildrenlearnbywatching.Ifafatherscreams

athischild,heisteachingthatscreamingisthecorrectwaytotalktopeople.Thisparentshouldn’tbesurprisedwhenthechildstartsscreamingathersiblingsorattheparent.Themotherwhosendshersontothedoortotellasalespersonthatsheisnotathomehasahardtimeconvincinghimthatlyingiswrong.Thesameistrueforsmoking,drinkingalcohol,swearing,etc.Theoldsaying“doasIsayandnotasIdo”issimplyauselesswaytoguideachild’sbehavior.Parentsneedto“practicewhattheypreach”and“walkthewalk”iftheywanttohaveapositiveimpactontheirchildren.Adultswhoshowconcernforothers,whotalkthroughtheirdisagreementsandwhorespecttherightsofothersareteachinghealthybehaviorstotheirchildren.

Show Children Love in Ways They Can

UnderstandOnewayyoucanshowloveforyourchildren

isbydoingthingsforthem.Yougivethemnutritiousfood,sendthemtobedearly,provideproperclothing,etc.Children,however,maynotinterpretthisaslove.Theyprobablyseeitmoreasbeingbossy.Youneedtobesuretoshowloveinwayschildrencanunderstand.

Therearemanywaystosendthemessageoflove.Perhapstheeasiestway(andonethatisusedtheleast)isthewarm,friendlysmile.Anotherwaytoshowchildrenloveistogivethematimeofundividedattention.Youcanalsousewords.Statementslike“Youdidagoodjobonthatpicture,”“Thatwasahelpfulthingtodo,”and“Iloveyou,”can

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letchildrenknowthattheyareimportant.Sometimesithelpstolistentootherparentstalktotheirchildren.Dotheysoundasiftheylovetheirchildren?Youmightaskyourselfifastrangerwouldknowthatyoulovedyourchildrenfromthethingsyousaytothem.

Major on the MajorsAsyoumakedecisionsabouthowtohandle

situationswithyourchildren,thinkabouthowtohelpyourchildlearnandbecomeself-controlled.Doyoumakeeveryconflictwithyourchildamajorbattle,ordoyousaveyourenergyandpassionforthereallyimportantthings?Manytimesparentsmakemajorissuesoutofminordisagreementsandhurttheirrelationshipswiththeirchildrenintheprocess.Itiswisetomakeastandonthereallyimportantissuesandbackoffonthosethatarelessimportant.

Helpingachildgrowfromaninfanttoanadultisoneofthemostfulfillingandchallengingexperiencesyoucanhave.Asyouguideyourchild,remembertosethighgoalsforyourselfandyourchild.But,makesurethatthegoalsarerealisticforbothofyou.

Let’s Practice1.ChangetheseDON’TsintoDOstoshowachildwhatheorshecando.

•Don’tdragyoursweaterinthedirt.

•Don’tscreamatme.

•Don’ttalkwithyourmouthfull.

•Don’truninthestore.

•Don’ttalkbacktome.

�.Changethebelittlingcommentinthefollowingsituationstoonethatwouldbuildconfidence.

Situation Commenttorestate•Michaelbrokeaglasswhen Can’tyoueverdoanythingright?hewasdryingdishes.

•Four-year-oldCoreywethispants. You’reabadboy!

•Tamikabumpedatreewhen Don’tbesoclumsy.shewasridingherbike.

The PayoffThesearejustafewmethodsyoucanuseto

improveyourchild’sbehavior.Theymaytakeextraworkatfirst,buttheywillsaveyoutimeandenergyintheend.Thesemethodsmaynotworkwitheverychildeverytime,buttheywillworkenoughofthetimetomakeitworththeeffort.Itmaytakesometimebeforeyoufeelcomfortableenoughwiththesemethodstousethem.Evenifyouweretousethesetechniquesallofthetimewithyourchildren,therewouldstillbetimeswhentheywouldnotcooperate.Theimportantthingistohavelotsofdifferenttechniquesfromwhichyoucanchoose.

Itmayhelptorememberthattheearlyyearsareshortcomparedtotherestofyourchild’slife.However,theexperienceschildrenhaveintheearlyyearslaythegroundworkforthefuture.Ourchildrenareworthourbestefforts,skills,loveanddevotion.

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�.Restatethequestionsinthesesituationstogivechoicesthatareacceptable.

Situation Questiontorestate•Youpromisedyourchildrena Whatkindoftreatdoyouwant?

atreatafterschool,butyoudon’t wantthemtospoiltheirdinner.

•Youareeatingoutandhave Whatdoyouwanttoorder?

alimitedamountofmoneytospend.

•Yourtimeislimited,andyourchildwants Whatwouldyoulikemetodowithyou?youtodosomethingwithher.

�.Hereachildisgivenachoicealthoughheorshedoesn’treallyhaveone.Howcouldyourephraseeachquestion?

Situation Questiontorestate•Youareplayingwithyour Doyouwanttogonow?four-year-oldandhavetoleaveto

pickupyourolderchildatschool.

•Youintendforyourdaughter Doyouwanttoputawayyourtoysforme?tocleanuphermessbeforeguestsarrive.

•Elishaiscoloring,anditistimefordinner. Doyouwanttoputyourcrayonsaway? �.Howcouldyouchangetheenvironmenttochangebehaviorinthesesituations?

• Five-year-oldTyvintracksdirtacrossthekitchenfloorashegoestoachairwherehesitstotakeoffhisboots.

• ShandraandAlishaareteenagerswhosharethesameroom.TheyfightconstantlybecauseAlishadoesn’tkeepherthingspickedup.

• JustinandMatthewoftenfightwitheachotheratthekitchentable.

�.Ifyourgoalistoworkwithachild’snaturaltendenciesinsteadofagainstthem,howwouldyouhandlethesesituations?

• Two-year-oldAliceclimbsonallthefurniture.Youcannotletherdothis.

• Four-year-oldPablowantstowalktotheparkbyhimself.

�.Whatwouldbereasonablelimitsforthefollowingsituations:

• TVviewingforyoungchildreninthefamily

• Useofscissorsbyafour-year-old

• Useofthemicrowavebyapreschooler

More Practice!!1.Foroneday,writedownthethingsyousaytoyourchildwhenyouwanthimorherto:

• Gotobed

• Doagoodjob

• Turnoffthetelevision

• Changehisorherclothes

�.Estimatethenumberoftimesyousayno,don’t,stop,orquitduringaday.Thenkeeparecordtoseehowmanytimesyouactuallysaythesewords.

�.Thinkaboutthethingsyoudointermsofthevaluesyouhavebeentryingtoteachyourchildren.Doyou“Practicewhatyoupreach”?

�.Howdoyourfamilymembersknowthatyoulovethem?Keepalistforadayofthewaysyoushowyourfamilymembersthatyoulovethem.Haveolderchildrenkeepalist,too.

�.Afteryouhavehadastrugglewithafamilymemberoversomeissue,askyourselfiftheissuewillmakeadifferencefiveyearsinthefuture.

PB1161-3.5M-2/07 E12-5315-00-019-07 07-0134

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