8/3/2019 Superheroes That Never Made It

1/2

1

Superheroes That Never Made It

Todays article is a look at those who almost achieved immortality in the worlds psyche. The

superheroes that fell just short of super. Although their hearts were in the right place, their abilities

were not.

The first mediocre hero to appear on the scene was The Odor. A simple forty something man

working in a scented candle company, he dreamed big and planned hard. One day, his plans were

tragically cut short when the company caught fire, engulfing him in thousands of odors. His body

absorbed everything from Arizona Desert Surprise to Dr. Zhivago Seduction. One might think that

he had been incredibly blessed, but it was an olfactory nightmare beyond imagining. All the odors

combined into one pervasive smell that caused the eye to burn and the stomach to do flip-flops. The

Odor was determined to use his newfound curse for good however, and he took to the streets. His solo

crime fighting career lasted about seven weeks, which was all the time it took for people to discover

that a fan (or simply standing downwind) would negate his power.

Glitter Gal was the next hero to step onto the mean streets. An innocent lass who loved to do

projects with glitter; she was cruelly assaulted on her way home. She was covered with her own glitter

and thrown into a cooling tank of the local nuclear power plant. She emerged a wonder of modern

science a being covered in glowing glitter. However, underneath the dazzling appearance she was just

an ordinary sixteen year old. Without any other super powers behind her, she was an easy target for

local bullies; especially since she could be easily spotted.

But soon the criminal element had someone new to fearPlastico, Master of #5 Recycled

Plastics. His origins are shrouded in mystery. Cosmic rays, unusual medical experiments, and recyclingbins all are rumored to have played a part in his creation. His powers are truly terrifying if you happen

to be a yogurt container or a ketchup bottle. To the local gangs, they provided a brief spot of

amusement before getting down to business beating Plastico to a bloody pulp.

Sloth Man was one of the more successful mediocre heroes to emerge. As his name implies,

he was incredibly slow (he sometimes spent 4 hours crossing a street). However, he was always able to

get the best of his nemesis, Captain Catatonic. The two clashed frequently, but after the first five

hours, on-lookers would become bored and simply wander away. He loves to relate the story of how he

obtained his powers, but since he is so slow, no one ever sticks around after the first sentence.

Finally, there is the sad case of Captain Idaho, a washout from the Idaho National Guard.

Although his lifelong dream of serving his state was cruelly shattered, he decided to become a champion

of good no matter the cost. After several months of grueling research, he came up with a super

soldier serum. It consisted of several brands of cough syrup, windshield washer fluid, toilet bowl

cleaner and gummy bears. This incredible concoction has given him the physical prowess of a fifty

something high school gym teacher. Wielding a modified garbage can lid (emblazoned with the state

8/3/2019 Superheroes That Never Made It

2/2

2

symbol of Idaho of course), he combats crime whenever and wherever he can find it. And, after the

thugs stop laughing, they give him a one way ticket to the local emergency room.

It wasnt long before these dedicated individuals banded together to better society. They

realized that they couldnt change the world, so they started out humbly. They called themselves the

Justice League of Cheektowaga. After gaining some confidence in their crime fighting abilities andteamwork, they renamed themselves the Justice League of Cheektowaga and Depew. Their

headquarters are a bowling alley in Cheektowaga the exact alley is a closely guarded secret. They

gather there regularly to discuss threats to their suburbs (The Odor is allowed to attend via video

conference and Sloth Man must be given two weeks advance notice).

So dear readers, this is my latest submission to the encyclopedia of useless knowledge.

However, if you are a mediocre villain, such as The Toilet Terror, you might have found this article

invaluable in planning your evil schemes.

Benjamin F. Kaye

2011 Benjamin F. Kaye

About Me:

I am a 42 year old dreamer who was born in Buffalo, NY. During those 42 years I have earned a

Bachelors Degree in Psychology from The State University of New York at Buffalo (UB) and a Masters

Degree in Social Work from Syracuse University. I currently spend my days working for Uncle Sam.

Further reading:

If you are interested in seeing what else my mind is capable of, you can visit me at

www.scribid.com. I have two books of poetry, Play-Doh from Heaven and They Came to My Door

awaiting you there. I also have several short stories that are sitting on that web site, daring you to read

them.

http://www.scribid.com/http://www.scribid.com/http://www.scribid.com/