star warped episode 5: the empire sux

Star Warped Episode 1: The Empire Sux 1

This story was written by Dewaine Shoulders. Any similarity to any persons, alive, dead, undead, or otherwise meandering about is mostly unintentional. All characters, events and the other silly stuff in this short story are meant to be a parody and not intended to violate anyone's copyrights, feelings, etc. Anyone who is easily offended by political satire, sexual innuendo and/or plain old goofiness should avoid this like the plague. Oh, any similarity to anything remotely resembling this story is completely unintentional. With all apologies to George Lucas...

Not very long ago, in a galaxy not far enough away

STAR WARPEDEpisode 5 The Empire SuxIt was a dark time for the rebellion. With the dreaded Death Spear having been destroyed, the sinister Empire have now dispatched a shitload of remote droids across the galaxy in search for the rebels And for the last of the Redi.Dewaine Shoulders


Part 1 The sinister-looking starship, The Beefcake, drifted along in deep space. Suddenly the bottom of the ship opens up and hundreds of probe droids were dumped out. Some sped away to remote parts of the galaxy, and others limped away, barely moving. One was moving slowly enough that the camera could follow it, but fast enough for us to move right along with it to the next scene. It soon crossed the expanse of the galaxy and fell into the atmosphere of a really cold, icy planet called Heck. Not hot like Hell, but cold enough to it to be called Heck. It was a desolate little world, covered in ice and snow; and was now the hidden base of the rebellion. As the camera pans across the wasteland, a Phun Phun is running across the snowy expanse. Atop the three-legged animal sat Lucky Streetwalker, who suddenly stopped. He got off of his mount, unzipped his fly and let the ice cubes fall. Yes, it was that freaking cold out. After his business was finished, Lucky climbed back atop the smelly beast and began to ride onward once again. Just then, his cell phone rang. Hello? Hey Kid! Hows it hangin? The voice was unmistakable. Hung Solow was on the other end of the conversation. Lucky laughed. Pretty low! I hear ya! Listen, Im about to freeze my nads off out here. All the sensors are in place, so Im heading back to the base. Just then, Lucky stopped as a meteorite slammed into the ground nearby. Im not far behind you. I think Im gonna check out the meteorite that just slammed into the ground nearby!Dewaine Shoulders


With all of the meteorite activity in this system, its gonna be hard to tell whats what! Whats what? Never mind! Ill see you back at camp! Lucky heard the call drop and flipped the phone shut. It was then when his Phun Phun started acting crazy. Whats wrong, big fella? When Lucky turned his head, he was cold cocked by something wet, white and furry.

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Part 2 A large, icy cave now served as the rebel base camp; and it was abuzz with inactivity. It was so cold that no one really wanted to do much but stay warm. Meat hung from hooks along one wall. And there was an ice skating rink in the far left corner. Hockey players were fighting amongst one another. In the middle of the cave was an assortment of ships and speeders. And sitting proudly in the midst of the clutter was the Centennial Buzzard. Chubooty had stripped parts of the Buzzards bottom away and was currently lying on his back on a creeper, installing a hydraulic system and changing the oil. He spotted Hung Solo as he was reaching for a wrench. He growled, Hey, get your lazy ass over here and give me a hand! Hung Solow began applauding. Hows that? Oh, that was too funny. Now, can you help me fix this ship? Solow squatted and saw the mess that Chubooty had made. What the hell did you take this apart for? Chubooty eyed his friend and replied, Im trying to get the hyperdrive working! Solow shook his head. The hyperdrive is in the engine room. You didnt have to tear the entire lower half of the ship apart to get to it! Well, I needed to change the oil and then reroute the hydraulic lines that were damaged when we were nearly blown to bits last week by that bounty hunter!

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Solow nodded. Okay, Ill buy that! But it wasnt my fault! Chubooty did a double take. The bounty hunter was looking for you. Solow stood. Rub it in, Furball! So, are you gonna help me or not? Hung Solow nodded. Okay. But I have to report in to the general first. Do you think you can get this put back together in the meantime? Ill manage somehow! Chubooty replied sarcastically. With that, Solow began walking toward the command center. As he entered, he spotted Princess Layya Orgasm, who had something on that wasnt so revealing. The fur coat and black leather hip boots she wore did look good on her though. And the riding crop she was carrying meant that she was seriously into her job! The handcuffs that dangled from the black leather belt around the coat also suggested that if anyone gave her any trouble, they would be in for it! And the studded collar she wore around her neck Hung Solow swallowed hard and continued into the room. Layya glanced around at Solow. She rolled her eyes and looked away. Solow walked up to the general and began his report. Well, all the sensors are in place and its colder than a well diggers asshole out there! With all of the meteorite activity in this system, its gonna be hard to tell whats what! Solow pulls his script out and shows the general. I just had that same line earlier! So you did. The general turns away and looked at the scope, seeing the swarm of meteors that filled over half of the star system. General, I have to leave! Okay, see you later!

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Solow cocked his eyebrow and knew that the general didnt understand his statement. No, I mean I really have to leave! Okay, fine. Leave then! Flustered now, Solow explains. What I mean is that since I ran into the bounty hunter on Playtexx Eighteen, I need to leave before I bring trouble to the rebellion! The general nodded solemnly and replied, I hate to lose you, but I understand. Solow stood there for a moment. Is there anything else? Solow looked at the general and said, Uh, not really, no. Then leave! The general actually shooed him away. Oh, okay. See ya! He glanced at the princess just once more, and then headed out of the room in a hurry. Seconds later, the voice of Layya Orgasm filled the icy corridor. Hung? Stopping suddenly, nearly falling on the slippery surface, Hung Solow turned around and said, Yes! What can I do for you, your worshipfulnessnesssness? Why are you leaving? Solow did a double-take. You were standing right next to the general. Didnt you hear a word I was saying? That was a pretty lame excuse if you ask me! Hands on her hips, Layya looked unimpressed. Solow drew back. Who are you calling lame? Layya smirked. So whats the real reason youre leaving?Dewaine Shoulders


Like I said: the bounty hunter Oh, dont give me that! Youre leaving because I didnt give you the hand job I promised Id give you! Well, theres that! But really, the bounty hunter You are just as bad as every other man in this galaxy! You dont get what you want, so you run off and try to find it with someone else! The Princess spat; clearly upset. Solow was now totally confused. Uh, okay. Are we having a bad hair day? Whats wrong with my hair? She reached for her hair, which looked as if she hadnt combed it in days. Solow cocked his head and said, Do you really want me to answer that? Why you low life, two bit Solow knew he had struck a nerve. Whats the matter? Were you afraid that I might leave here without letting you actually give me a hand job? Id rather give a hand job to a Hookie! Just then, Chubooty walked up. Really? He smiled broadly. Layya huffed and turned abruptly, walking away. Was it something I said? Chubooty asked.

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Part 3 Walking back into the hangar bay, Solow sees that the Centennial Buzzard is nearly torn apart. He glanced around at Chubooty. I thought you were gonna put it back together? Well, uh, you see, its like this Chubooty stammered. You forgot how to put it back together, didnt you? Chubootys fur ruffled against the cold. Either that or that is the Hookie version of blushing. Pretty much, yeah!

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Solow smacked his big, furry friend on the head. He had to tip toe in order to do that. The schematics are in the dashboards glove box. Why dont you go get them and put it back together again! I still need help! Solow shook his head. Did I help you tear it apart? Uh, no. Then you dont need my help fixing it then, do you? Solow huffed as he began walking away. Hell, get some of those Astropecker droids to help you! Chubooty nodded and went to find some Astropecker droids willing to give him a hand. ~~~~~ Solow was walking toward the bathroom when one of the deck officers came up to him. Captain Solow, Commander Streetwalker still hasnt checked in. Uh, can this wait? I have to take a dump! Its getting dark out there, and I neednt remind you how freakin cold it is out there! Solow turned around and yelled, Deck officer! Im already here, Sir! Solow nodded. Yeah, but the script calls for me to yell that. Checking his own script, the deck officer replies, Oh yeah. It sure does. Maybe the writer got confused? Well, if I dont get into the bathroom and fast, hell have to write someone in to clean up the mess! The D.O. nodded. Ill wait.Dewaine Shoulders


Thanks. ***** Fifteen minutes passed by when a refreshed Hung Solow left the bathroom. The deck officer was leaning against the icy wall, looking at his fingernails. Whats wrong? Solow asked. I had a manicure while I was waiting on you. But I think the manicure droid messed up this nail. He extended his middle finger and showed it to Solow. Funny. Solow shook his head. Now, where were we? I think we were standing right over there, talking about Commander Streetwalker. He pointed. Solow and the D.O. stepped to the spot where they had last spoken and began anew. Captain Solow, Commander Streetwalker still hasnt checked in. Solow looked concerned. Have you sent anyone out to find him? Actually, we were hoping he would have come in by now so we wouldnt have to go out in the dark! The deck officer cringed. I dont know about you, but the dark gives me the willies! Solow did a double-take and said, So, what are you gonna do about it? I have been seeing a counselor about it, but I mean about Streetwalker still being out there? Well, uh, perhaps tomorrow when the sun is out we can go look for him then?

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Solow shook his head in disgust. If you want something done around here Solow went to his Phun Phun. He saddled up and was about to ride off when the deck officer came up to him and said, I really hate to point out the obvious, Sir, but youll freeze your ass off out there! Ya think? With that, Solow rode out of the cave and into the cold and darkness of Hecks cold and dark night!

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Part 4 Lucky Streetwalker awoke, finding he was hanging upside down in a dimly lit cave. The glowing urchins, suctioned to the caves cold and slimy wall, were the only source of light. Looking around, disoriented for the moment, Lucky sees that his feet are frozen into the caves low ceiling. His head was barely hanging above the caves littered floor. The litter was bones of dead animals that had been eaten by something. Blood stained the dirt floor and it smelled absolutely horrid inside the cave. It was like a combination of rotten meat, feces and wet gym socks. It reminded Lucky of Chubooty after working out. Ignoring the foul stench, Lucky looks around and spots his meat saber lying in a pile of bones and snow. Focusing on the meat saber, Lucky stretched out with his feelings and tried to bring the meat saber into his hand. Using the Fork, he tried and tried again, but nothing happened. Finally, disgusted, he reached out with his hand and grabbed the meat saber from the snow-covered bones and flipped the switch on. Lucky used the light blade to cut away the ice from his feet and he dropped like a rock to the floor. Just then, a sound echoed throughout the cave. A horrible sound that made him feel like retching. Someone was playing an old Victrola, and Slim Whitman was echoing inside the cave. Ahhhooooooooooooo! Lucky turned around quickly as the abominable snow beast was about to strike. He swung the meat saber wildly and cut the beast into a pile of bloody fur chunks. The beasts head now lay upon the pile of its own parts. Its eyes blinked several times, looking up at the young Redi. Geez, all I wanted was to say hi! The beasts head rolled sideways and Lucky began scampering toward the caves opening. The Victrola was still playing and Lucky stopped and carved it into small pieces. The vocal styling of Slim Whitman was suddenly silenced. The only sound in the cave now was Luckys footfalls as he climbed out into the snowy night. He walked several steps before his weakened condition caught up with him. He fell to the snow face-first. He thought he heard something. He lookedDewaine Shoulders


up. It was just a teamster, who was sitting inside a nice warm brown truck, eating a sandwich. Lucky surmised that he must have been dreaming Or the guy was on a union break? He stood and walked a few steps further and the cold and his weakened state finally caused him to drop to his knees and face-first into the snow again. Only this time he heard a voice. Lucky! Lucky! Lucky raised his head and saw the spectral image of Redi Master Eyebee Wan Bater. He stood at least twenty feet tall and was dressed in a glowing white jumpsuit and cloak with sequence that glittered in the spectral light. Elvis? You will go to the Dogbreath system. There you will learn from Yodeler. The Redi Master who taught me all kinds of stuff! Eyebee? Get up, you little pansy-ass! Eyebee Wan said right before he disappeared. Eyebee! Lucky reached out to touch the image, but it had vanished. Then he looked around There was nothing to be seen but snow. Reaching for his script, he sees that it said: (To be continued) Wait! Lucky looked up from his script. Cant someone rescue me first? Its freakin cold out here! Just then, Hung Solow showed up, riding his Phun Phun. He wore a white cowboy hat and had his blast rifle at the ready. Dismounting the steed, Hung Solow shouts, Lucky? Over here! Hung Solow looks around in the blowing snow and sees Lucky lying on the snow-covered ground, propped up on his elbow. Whats up?Dewaine Shoulders


Not much. I was attacked by some snow creature and was hung upside down for a while. Other than that, its been pretty boring. About that time, the Phun Phun drops over, frozen on the outside (but warm and gooey on the inside) and Hung Solow scratches his ass. Hmm? Hmm what? Lucky asked. Hmm, as in: Hmm, I wonder what were gonna do now? Lucky taps the script and says, Youre supposed to use my meat saber to slice open the belly of the Phun Phun and shove me inside to keep me warm until you build the shelter. Hung Solow balked. First of all, Kid, I am not touching your meat saber. I only swing one way! Secondly, what shelter? It was then that the truck rolled up and a brown clad delivery man got out. I have a delivery here. Its a shelter for a Hung Solow and/or Lucky Streetwalker. That would be us! Solow replied. Sign here and here and its yours! The man handed Solow the pad. Hung Solow signed the electronic pad and handed it back to the man. Within a few minutes, the shelter was dumped out of the truck and the man returned to the cab of the truck and drove off. You could have helped! Solow yelled out as the truck rolled away. Its not in the script! Lucky managed to say before he passed out from exhaustion. Great! Hung Solow begins building the shelter as the snow continued to blow across the desolate surface of Heck.

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Part 5 The following morning, the pair had been rescued from the snowy surface and brought back to the rebel stronghold. Lucky was then paced into a scuba suit and dropped into a Bactram vat.

Bactram is a peculiar blend of chemicals, cream soda, stale beer, larks vomit, and bat guano. Also snake snot is added for consistency and color. The green hue reminds one of bile from a rabid bull dyke after a hard night of binge drinking. Placing someone in a Bactram vat is supposed to cure them of whatever happens to be ailing them. But in actuality, it is usually done just to piss them off and make them realize that they never want to go through that kind of ordeal again! Medically, no one has ever died from being placed in a Bactram vat. That is, unless you happen to count the time that the leader of the planet Ringworm, King Bippy the Grotesque, accidentally drowned due to the fact

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that he was left in the vat for three days while the medical staff at Our Lady of Perpetual Agony went on a picnic and wound up in jail for buggery.While Princess Layya, Chubooty and Hung Solow watched, Lucky flung himself about wildly in the awful sewage. After a time, Luckys eyes opened and he scrambled out of the slimy goo. Geez! What the hell did you put me in that stuff for? It was in the script, Kid! Hung Solow grinned. Maybe you need to read it a little more carefully before getting yourself into trouble! Just then, a voice over the intercom said, All senior staff report to the command center. Hung, Layya, Chubooty and the two droids left Lucky to get out of the vat all by himself. The slimy vat made that task all but impossible. ***** In the command center, people were scrambling to allow the senior staff to assemble closest to the control board. The communications officer looked around and saw that everyone was assembled. This is what I have discovered. Suddenly, over the speakers, a droid can be heard chattering in some alien code. CPBO looks around. I am fluent in over ten different forms of communication. And that sounds like Snoop Dogg being played backwards at 78 speed! And that sounds like trouble to me! Come on Chubooty, well check it out! Chubooty eyed Hung Solow. Since when do you volunteer for anything? Walking out the door, heading to the east entrance, Solow replied, Since you tore the damned ship apart and still havent put it back together!

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I have droids working on it! I have been busy, you know? Solow said nothing. At the East entrance, he opened the door and walked out into the cold and snow. Soon, they spotted a droid floating along. It was taking pictures and acting like a tourist about to be mugged. The jerky movements were those of a very anxious droid. Solow looked around at Chubooty and whispered, Go around that way and well take it by surprise. Chubooty stood and casually crossed the snow-covered ground, whistling nonchalantly, and then stopped and drew his bowblaster. He took aim and The explosion was immense. Snow blew everywhere around Chubooty. He rolled and took aim and fired at the droid that had just tried to shoot him. The droid exploded into millions of tiny fragments. Solow huffed. Chubooty? It was a lucky shot! The furball shrugged. Hung Solow pulled his cell phone out and called into the command center. It self-destructed when it saw us. He lied through his teeth. Princess Layya answered, An Imperial Nervous Spy Droid! And its probably not gonna take too long before the empire shows up on our doorstep looking for it! Solow stated over the comm. General Atthabar looked around. Well, I guess we had better pack it up and get the hell out of here! CPBO sighed. And I just got unpacked!

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Part 6 Aboard The Beefcake, Admiral Tushy and Darf Mader were walking along, minding their own business, when Tushy overhears a lieutenant commenting about a signal from one of the droids that had been dispatched. Mader heard it too and stepped to the communications station. You have something? Its a weak signal, but its the best one we've had. The communications officer stated.Dewaine Shoulders


The lieutenant looked at Mader and said, My lord, it could be anything. It could be static Or maybe even Keith Obermann? They do sound a lot alike! Mader wasnt so quick to judge. Thats where the rebels are! Deploy the fleet and well take them by surprise! Okay, so he was quick to judge! But Dont but me, Lieutenant! I am sure that the rebels are there! Prepare for hyperspace! With that, Mader turned and walked away. Then Admiral Tushy walked up. Better do as he says, Lieutenant, otherwise hell bitch slap you across the deck! Tushy walked away. The look on the Lieutenants face was one of anger with the communications officer. He had made him look foolish in front of the Dark Lord of the Sift. He smacked the communications officer across the head. Bonehead!

***** The activity on Heck was anything but slow. Shuttles were being loaded and the ground crew was busily fueling the ships. Inside the command center, Princess Layya and General Atthabar were conferring when a proximity alarm went off. Whats that? Layya asked. Several imperial ships have entered the system, Princess! The woman at the console answered. Atthabar looked to another general and said, We need to get the rest of the ships and equipment off-planet! The other general, nodded. He said, Shit! We'd better prepare for ground assault! *****Dewaine Shoulders


Back on The Beefcake, Mader felt the ship come out of hyperspace and knew something was amiss. Checking where their current location was, he knew that the ship had come out of hyperspace far too soon. He left his private quarters and went to the command deck. There, he bitch-slapped the lieutenant across the deck and said, You have failed me for the last time Whats your name? Lieutenant. The writer didnt think I needed a name since I was going to be killed! Remind me to thank the writer for giving me the opportunity to kill you! With that, the Fork Hold Mader used on the lieutenants throat broke his windpipe and down he went to the deck. Next time, youll think twice before you mess with me! Admiral Tushy walked up and shook his head. There wont be a next time, Lord Mader. You killed him! Oh, my bad! Mader turned and walked away. Admiral Tushy called out after him. How many of my crew are you going to kill before this is over with? As many as the writer will allow me! Mader said and left the area.

Part 7 The white snow glistened in the sunlight. The green and brown camouflage rebel snow suits stood out like sore thumbs against the white backdrop. ButDewaine Shoulders


no one was worried, as the shield generator would protect them from any harm. As the rebel troops were busily preparing for the upcoming assault, someone noticed a tremor. The ground shook violently rather quickly And then again several more times. That was when the field commander looked through his binoculars and saw what was coming their way. Dammit! Imperial Hoppers are coming!

The dreaded Imperial Hopper was a terrible war machine. Designed for crossing huge expanses, the IHs were created for moving troops across vast areas in short amounts of time. The two strong legs would catapult the craft high into the air, then come down again with a thud. Then just as quickly, it would leap back into the air and do it all over again. It could cross miles in a few hops. But the Imperial Hoppers were not the easiest vehicle to be a passenger in. The constant hopping created severe nausea in the troops that were unlucky enough to be inside. Projectile vomiting normally ensued while riding inside of the huge machines. And that was the easy part! The hardest thing about riding inside the Imperial Hopper was the ride itself. The constant up and down motion played havoc with the body. The stomach bounced so violently that it induced the nausea, but the wear and tear on the body was so much worse. The restraints that held the body in place were hard metal, and the bruising that resulted would make the casual observer believe that the person riding inside had just gone ten rounds in a boxing ring with a diseased Yak in heat.

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Once the IH was near its target, the sudden stop normally drove the troopers spines into their nasal cavities. Those lucky few that survived the ride usually ended up dead as soon as they rolled out of the vehicle, as they were normally so nauseated and disoriented that they became easy targets for enemy weapons fire. The rest, already crippled from the ride, did not fare too well either. They normally were dumped out of the bottom of the machine and left to be eaten by the local wildlife. Those that happened to be lucky enough to simply die en route never knew of their fates one way or the other.

The hoppers were coming closer and closer now. Soon, they would be within the shield walls and would begin shooting everything in sight.

The most peculiar thing about the Imperial Hopper was its ability to fire its weapons during its hopping cycle. No human, or alien species for that matter, could aim the weapons with any accuracy. The constant jarring from the hopping motion kept even the most accurate marksman from hitting a target. It was determined when the IH was being tested that its weapons system, though deadly, had an aiming accuracy of

.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001%.Basically, one shot in a Zerbitrilliion might actually hit its target. The random firing of humanoid marksmen was a concern, so special targeting computers were installed and were tested.

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The accuracy rating improved dramatically. There was a .0000001% accuracy rating using the targeting computers. But, since the computers could not be secured tightly enough to keep them from jarring loose during the rough ride, the weapons computers routinely failed after one or two shots. The insides of the computers were jarred to the point of falling apart and the entire mechanism simply came undone from its housing and would crush at least two or three of the Stormpoopers that happened to be nearby at the time. The empire, who routinely discounted the calls for safety where the use of the IHs was concerned, appointed a safety czar to oversee the upgrades to the design of the craft. The emperor, who was not really concerned with the health and well being of the clown troopers, regularly blew-off the request to have the devices banned and to have a safer craft constructed. They had already spent far too much money in stimulus for the empire, and in bailing out the banks and auto industry. There was no money left for any kind of military procurement, or to secure the borders. Many in the Imperial Army had nicknamed the Imperial Hoppers: Deathmobiles. The troopers could not get life or health insurance (not even the government-run policies) due to the fact that they may have any contact with the Imperial Hoppers, and were told that they would have to tell the emperor that they refused to ride in them. This, of course, was a crime punishable by death. And since the insurance people deemed that as an act of suicide, they routinely denied any claims upon their deaths.

The Rebel troops were now set-up in their trenches and ready for action. All that was left was the snow buggies to head out and meet the hoppers before they could reach the trenches. The field commander watched as the snow buggies began flying toward the IHs in a hurry.

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Part 8 Lucky Streetwalker was in charge of the snow buggy brigade. There were ten of them. He spoke to his back seat gunner, saying, You all set back there, Drac? The Vampirian nodded as he filed his teeth. Blah, I am ready, but we have no approach vector! Attack pattern Delta Eighty-eight! Blah, I have it now! Good. Lucky then asked, Are you okay back there? Blah, Im feeling rather anemic at the moment. I need something to wet my whistle. Lucky adjusted the neck guard that was mandatory equipment when riding with a Vampirian. Just hang on. Ill unleash you on the enemy in a few minutes! Blah, thanks! Dont mention it Really! It was then that the firefight began. Now within range, the Imperial Hoppers were laying down a barrage of laser fire. Of course the laser fire was hitting everything but the intended targets. A flock of geese were incinerated; a mountain top was blown to smithereens; a starship in orbit came crashing to the planets surface. Lucky was feeling fortunate indeed. He was about to being his first pass when Drac declared, Blah, the weapons have just gone offline! Do we have a harpoon on this bucket of bolts? Lucky asked. Blah, its nonresponsive! What about getting out and kicking the legs of those hoppers?Dewaine Shoulders


Blah, how about I fly up and help myself to a snack? Lucky thought about it. With a smile, he blew the hatch and said, Enjoy your lunch! Drac turned into a bat and flew toward the closest Imperial Hopper. He then disappeared into a puff of smoke and entered through a vent. Within seconds the hopper fell to the ground. Good work, Drac! Lucky said to himself. But that was when another hopper managed to fire a shot and crippled the snow buggy Lucky was piloting. It crashed into the snow and Lucky frantically worked with the restraints. He managed to unbuckle them and escaped the buggy. As he rolled away, the hopper that had fired upon him landed on the buggy and crushed it like a pancake deep into the snow. Shit! Lucky stood and jumped, and managed to get a handhold on the leg of the IH. Lucky shimmied up the leg quickly. He pulled his meat saber out, cutting a hole into the bottom of the craft. He tossed a grenade (from his trusty utility belt) inside and jumped away. The explosion took the hopper to the ground and that left one hopper to go. But it was too late to stop that one. It stopped hopping and targeted the shield generator and fired. The shields dropped quickly. The ground troops knew what that meant. RETREAT!

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Part 9 Solow had practically slid to the command center. He had tried to run but ended up slipping and sliding on the icy floor. Once inside the Command Center, he spots Layya Orgasm barking orders to evacuate. She caught a glimpse of Solow out of the corner of her eye and turned to face him. I thought you were leaving? I was. I heard the command center had been hit and I came to help. Just then, over the intercom, a voice said, Holy shit! Imperial Stormpoopers have entered the base! The comm suddenly filled with static. Layya huffed. Just freakin great! Then a large explosion rocked the icy room. Snow and ice fell from the ceiling. Solow grabbed the princess and said, Come on. Lets get the hell out of here! The princess knew that he was right. Okay everyone, get to your transports and well meet you at the rendezvous! Another explosion echoed throughout the base and Layya and Hung Solow exited the room and headed for the Centennial Buzzard. ***** Meanwhile, Darf Mader entered the base, followed by a legion of Stormpoopers. They fired erratically toward anything that moved. After several shots that had blown out lights and brought debris from the ceiling, Mader raised his hand and they stopped shooting. Excuse me, but can any of you actually hit a target?

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The commander of the Stormpoopers stepped up. Lord Mader, we have all graduated from the Imperial School of Marksmanship! Mader regarded the clown trooper and shook his head. Government control of the schools really works, huh? Yes it does! The government can run anything! Yes Mader uttered under his breath, Into the ground! If you could look through Maders face mask, youd see his eyes rolling. Just try not to kill one another in the process of shooting the enemy! Yes, Sir, the trooper nodded curtly.

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Part 10 Solow and the princess had made it to the Centennial Buzzard and were barely inside the ship when the Imperial Stormpoopers had entered the vast cavern. They began setting up their weapons and fired toward the ship. Chubooty, having just finished watching the Astropecker droids finishing up the repairs to the ship, was now trying to start the starship. He turned the key and pumped the accelerator but nothing was happening. Solow ran into the cockpit, followed closely by the princess and CPBO. After Hung tripped and got back up, he flopped down in the pilot seat and looked at Chubooty. The gas gauge reads empty! Chubooty smacked his own head. I knew there was something I was forgetting! Solow got back up and ran to the engine room. He had several fivegallon cans of fuel left over from the last time gas prices had gone through the roof. He poured as much gas into the tank as he could and headed back to the cockpit. Tripping again, he quickly got up and was into his seat once again. Try it now! Chubooty fired up the engines and the Centennial Buzzard roared out of the cave just as Darf Mader had entered. Mader watched the ship disappear out of the caves opening and shook his fist. We will meet again!

*****

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Outside of the base, several X-Thing fighters were warming up and being loaded. Lucky Streetwalker came walking up and looked up at RNot R2. Are we ready to get off this ice cube? RNot swiveled his dome and beeped frantically. I know. Its too cold for me too! He unzipped his fly and shot ice cubes into the snow. When he was finished, he climbed up the ladder and into the cockpit. Once the canopy was in place, he cranked the heat on full and lifted off the planets surface. Minutes later, they were in deep space and far away from Heck. No, RNot, Ill do the flying right now. Lucky answered the droids question. Besides, were not going to rendezvous with the others. Were going to the Dogbreath system! RNot warbled a series of tweets. No, I know what Im doing! Just because its halfway across the galaxy on a remote planet filled with strange creatures, its okay. It will be just like going to San Francisco!

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Part 11 Meanwhile, the Centennial Buzzard was flying wildly, barely avoiding laser blasts from the Imperial Battlecrusier, Beefcake. Inside the Centennial Buzzard, Hung Solow and Chubooty were working in the engine room, frantically to get the hyperdrive working. Chubooty, I thought you fixed this damned thing? Chubooty growled. I told one of the Astropecker droids to fix it! Did you check its work? Solow asked as he hung upside down in the hyperdrive engines pit. Well, I didnt think Id have to check it out! Solow gritted his teeth and yelled up, Hand me the hydrowrench and a pair of tweezers! Why do you need tweezers? Chubooty asked. I have a splinter! Chubooty was about to hand Solow the items when something rocked the ship.Dewaine Shoulders


What the hell? Solow came scrambling out of the pit. Again the ship pitched as another report echoed through the ship. Something hit us. And it wasnt a laser! Solow and Chubooty ran to the cockpit. There they found Layya filing her nails with her feet propped up. Why arent you flying the ship? I put it on autopilot! I have a chipped nail! Solow scrambled to his seat and looked out the forward windscreen. Asteroids! Layya looked up and replied, Yep, it sure looks like asteroids to me! Chubooty looked around at the princess. I had a case of asteroids about three weeks ago that would curl your hair! Too much information, Chubooty! Layya replied. Solow grasped the yoke and said, Hang on! He brought the ship around and dove into the asteroid field. You cant be serious? Youre actually flying into an asteroid field? Layya asked; her voice was full of trepidation. Well, its either that, or the Imperial fleet! CPBO stated, The odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are at least three to one! Ill bet ten bucks that we dont make it! Chubooty said as he pulled a ten spot from his wallet. Solow glanced around at his first mate and shook his head. Thanks for that vote of confidence! Layya reached into the pocket of her fur coat and withdrew some cash. I bet fifty against Solow!

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Thanks, your Highnessnessness! CPBO took the cash and looked to Captain Solow. Oh hell, Ill bet a hundred on us making it through this! Chubooty raised the stakes. Two-hundred says youre wrong! Layya added, Ill bet five hundred on you, Chubooty! CPBO, again collecting cash, looked back at Solow. With a deep sigh, Solow pulled his wallet out and emptied it out. I have fifteen bucks left! He handed it to CPBO. I bet both of you are wrong! With the bets places, Solow turned his attention back to piloting the ship. He juked and jagged, zigged and zagged and lost the imperial Thai fighters that were following him. Impressed yet? Chubooty and Layya exchanged looks. Layya said, Were still in the asteroid field! Just then, laser fire rocked the ship. The Beefcake was in hot pursuit of the Centennial Buzzard. Solow nosed the ship into a steep dive and rolled under a large asteroid. When he brought the nose up, he was behind the Beefcake. He fired several shots on its aft exhaust ports. Solow glanced around and saw that no one seemed impressed with his maneuver. Sulking, he swung the ship around and dove toward a large asteroid that had a cave. Taking the ship into the cave, Solow landed and shut down the engines. As he stood, he looked to Chubooty. We need to get the hyperdrive fixed and get out of here! Chubooty stood and towered over his friend. Ill get started! As Chubooty left, Solow glanced around at Layya. Care to give me a hand?

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She clapped her hands a few times, smirking all the while. Hows that? It was funnier when I did it a few scenes ago! Talk to the writer. Im sure hell gladly rewrite the scene for you. Solow rolled his eyes and left the cockpit. CPBO looked at the princess. Im so sad! Layya shook her head. Now isnt a good time! As CPBO watched the princess leave the cockpit, he said to himself, Yep, shes a bitch!

Part 12 CPBO was conversing with the ships computer when he spotted Solow rounding the corner, coming from the engine room. Could I venture an opinion? Solow rolled his eyes. What is it? I have noticed that when the elections roll around, people tend to go all mazzo and vote for good-looking, yet socially inept people instead of those that could govern far more effectively! Aint democracy great? But why is that?

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Solow shrugged. Beats the hell out of me! I voted to change government. What I got was change left in my pocket! Thank the maker that I cannot vote! If I could have, I would have voted for the old guy! Whys that? His running mate was da bomb! Solow thought about that for a moment. Yeah, I suppose she was. Just then, Princess Layya was trying to turn a lever and was having a hard time of it. Solow reached around her and flipped the lever up. There ya go! I was about to try that! Solow grinned. I bet you were! She turned around and faced him. Look here, Solow! I have had about enough of your swagger! You sicken me! Then a hand job is out of the question then? The princess dropped her head. I didnt say that. Solow stepped forward. You like me because I sicken you, dont you? I happen to like men that can hold their own in an intellectual conversation and can make me squeal in bed! Okay then A priest, a rabbi and a Stormpooper walk into a bar Thats not the intellectual conversation I was referring to! Solow switched gears. Okay, fine. I was reading in Cosmo about how women like their men to be hard and firm! I like hard men, yes! Solow took another step closer. And firm?Dewaine Shoulders


Breathlessly, she answered, Yes. Solow bent down and kissed her. At that exact moment, a roar reverberated throughout the ship. Solow and the princess looked at one another and began running toward the cockpit. When they arrived, they saw Chubooty eating a tuna fish sandwich and a bag of chips. I was hungry and decided to have lunch! Again the roar rumbled the ship. Okay then, that wasnt your stomach! Chubooty shook his head. Im not that hungry! Solow fired the ship up and began heading out of the cave. As they neared the opening, the caves mouth began to close. Layya gasped. The cave is collapsing! This isnt a cave! It isnt? Its a Weight Watchers meeting about to begin! The Centennial Buzzard shot through the opening just as the hungry mouth of a very large man was about to bite into a meatball sub.

Part 13 Back into the asteroid field, Solow maneuvered the ship around several thousand small asteroids and a billboard for some attorney when laser fire rocked the ship again. Hold on! Solow whipped the Centennial Buzzard upward and into a tight arc. He was then facing the oncoming Imperial ship. Here we go! You are crazy!

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Solow heard Layyas comment and replied, Well, ordinarily I would look for a convenience store to hide behind, but since there seems to be none available at the moment, this is Plan B. ***** Inside the Imperial Battlecruiser Beefcake, Admiral Tushy and Darf Mader were standing on the observation deck, observating. They both witnessed the Centennial Buzzard heading straight toward their ship. Hes crazy! Mader looked at the admiral and nodded. Impressive! What? That hes crazy? Mader shook his head. No. Its impressive that I can see my reflection in the window and still see the ship coming at us! He paused briefly and then said, Damn, I am impressive! The Centennial Buzzard flew over the ship and disappeared. Where did that ship go? Admiral Tushy asked one of the crewmen. You talking to me, Sir? I thought you died in the explosion of the Death Spear? Funny, I thought you did too! Tushy looked at the camera and shrugged. He then looked around at Mader. Well, I suppose you need to go tell the emperor about this. Yes. Im sure hell give me permission to kill another member of your crew! Tushy nodded. I figured as much. Lord Mader, One of the Stormpoopers rushed up. The Emperor is on line three! Ill take it in my quarters. With that, Mader turned and walked away.Dewaine Shoulders


*****

Back in his quarters, Darf Mader sat down behind his desk and propped his feet upon it. He pressed the button and the hologram of Emperor Obamer appeared. What can I do for you, my masterfulness? The emperor began, We have a problem! What now? Another bank bailout? Or maybe more money to the auto industry again? Did Acorn get punked again? Lucky Streetwalker. Darf Mader brought his feet down from the desk and drew closer to the hologram. Yes? He must not become a Redi! Hes studying to be a Redi? Wow! Lord Mader, we need to turn him to the Dark Half of the Fork! I could persuade him to join us. I could send some union thugs to visit him. Do you think you can? The emperor asked. He is an inept pansy-ass! But the Fork is pretty strong with him, even though hes an inept pansy-ass! He will join us or Ill bitch slap him! Mader said with confidence. Part 14 The Centennial Buzzard was clamped to the bottom of the Beefcake. Hanging upside down, Solow looked around. As soon as they go into hyperspace,Dewaine Shoulders


well detach and drift off until we drop out of hyperspace and then we can find someplace to land to finish the repairs. Solow explained. Like where? Layya asked. On a screen built into the dashboard, Solow began running through a list of systems. Thats an idea! What? She asked again. Bedpan! Layya looked at Solow. Bedpan? The asteroid mining colony? Hydraulic fluid mining, actually. The asteroids in that system are chock-full of it! Do you think anyone there can help us? Solow grinned and sat back. I have an old friend named Banjo Cowrestlin. He runs the place. Do you trust him? She had to ask. Are you kidding me? I screwed him out of this ship and about twothousand credits a few years ago. He hates my gut! So why would you want to go there? Solow raised the script. Cause it says so right here! Just then, The Beefcake lurched into hyperspace and Solow tapped the intercom. Okay, Chubooty. Detach the clamps. The Centennial Buzzard fell from the bottom of the Beefcake and drifted away slowly, falling back into real space quickly. But, unbeknownst to the occupants of the Centennial Buzzard, another ship was trailing them. The ship, one that looked like a big, flying waffle iron, trailed the Centennial Buzzard at a safe distance. The pilot of the ship was a bounty hunter named Booboo Zitt!Dewaine Shoulders


*****

Meanwhile, halfway across the galaxy, Lucky Streetwalker had arrived in the Dogbreath System and was entering the atmosphere of the planet Dogbreath. The murky skies and the rain pelted the ship as it neared the surface. Lucky was struggling to see. He wiped the water from his face. His canopy, it seemed, had sprung a leak. Finally, the ship crash landed into a marshy area and Lucky cursed his bad luck. There couldnt be a landing field anywhere, could there? RNot beeped and twittered several tones and Lucky read the display. Oh, so you could have done a better job landing, huh? More beeps and whistles. Fine! Then next time why dont you tell me that before we land? Lucky popped the canopy open and crawled out of the cockpit. He took a look around and shook his head. This is a strange place to find a Redi Master. Just then, something buzzed his head. It was a strange little creature with a tail and a big set of knockers. Lucky swatted at the creature. Hey, watch it, Buddy! Lucky looked at the blue creature and asked, Maybe you can help me? The being stopped buzzing about and came face to face with Lucky. Why should I help you, hmm? Lucky shrugged. Well, because it says in the script that you will! The being pulled out a small copy of the script, then nodded. Right you are! Help you I will!Dewaine Shoulders


Im looking for a Redi Master. The being, hovering before Luckys face, grinned. Yodeler you seek! That would be him, yes! Come with me. Ill show you where he lives! But what about my ship? I cant leave it here! Lucky inquired. Park it for you, I will! Valet parking? Cool! It will cost you two-thousand credits! Lucky drew back. I dont have that kind of cash on hand! Take an IOU, I will! Just like in California! That sounds fair enough! Just then, the ship rose from the water of the marsh and was safely transported to just outside an earthen hut. The little being said, Here you are. See you later! In a flash, the being zipped away, leaving Lucky to wonder why he didnt ask for the IOU? Crawling down the ladder, Lucky watched RNot being flushed out of the bottom of the X-Thing. He grinned as RNot proceeded to make rather rude sounds. Lucky laughed. You stay here while I go meet Yodeler, RNot warbled and made a sound equivalent to a raspberry. I heard that!

Part 15

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Lucky walked up to the small front door and realized he was far too tall to enter standing up. He got down on his knees and knocked on the door. The door opened and there was the little blue creature Lucky had been speaking to earlier. You? Begging forgiveness are you? Or kiss my ass you intend, hmm? Not really And besides, I wont fit in the door unless I crawl through. Come in, the little creature bid Lucky into his humble abode. Lucky was amazed. The interior was posh. There was wall to wall shag carpeting; the stereo was blasting some old Def Leppard tunes. A disco ball hung from the ceiling, and the plasma screen TV had Empire Idol on. Lucky whistled. Nice digs! Like it, you do? Decorated it myself, I did! Yodeler allowed Lucky to sit on the black leather couch. So, Lucky began, Are you Master Yodeler? Right, Eyebee Wan was. Slow you are! Lucky nodded. Perhaps? But I have learned so much! Learned, have you? And what do you know? You cant even use the Fork properly. Lucky defended himself. I can use a fork and a spoon! Its the knife I still have a little trouble with. The other Fork! Lucky started to say something then thought better of it. He was so hoping that Yodeler would train him as he had Eyebee Wan. Finally, he looked up with puppy dog eyes and begged, Please train me, Master Yodeler! I will do anything you ask Well, almost anything. Yodeler looked up and asked, Will he finish what he starts?

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The disembodied voice of Eyebee Wan replied, Your guess is as good as mine! Lucky sat forward on the plush couch. Ill finish the training! Yodeler, floating across from him, said, You had better, or bitch slap your pansy ass I will!

Part 16 The Centennial Buzzard flew into Cloudy City. The city floated far above the surface of Bedpan.

The gaseous atmosphere of the planet Bedpan was not suitable for any kind of humanoid life Except maybe for those folks that live in smoggy Los Angeles, they could withstand anything! But above the clouds, the atmosphere was clean and the air breathable. The city utilized very large helium balloons to keep it afloat. A cable, miles long, anchored the city to the ground far below. The anchored cable kept Cloudy City from floating into the stratosphere and into space itself. That would not be a good thing! Bedpan is the home of the Hydraulic Fluid Cartel. The asteroids that float in space near Bedpan are full of hydraulic fluid. And without hydraulic fluid, no starship could function properly. So, Bedpan is an important place in the galaxy. Though not a part of the empire they often did business with it. Bedpan opted out of joining the empire due to the Draconian taxes and the government-run healthcare.

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And besides, it would take away from the plot if it were a part of the empire, now wouldnt it?Hung Solow again tried to radio the central tower of Cloudy City. Im trying to reach Banjo Cowrestlin A shot was fired across the Centennial Buzzards bow. A terse reply came over the comm. You will follow us and land on platform A1A. Solow sighed. Thanks. Are you sure about this? Layya asked. Solow shrugged. Are you sure you wont reconsider the hand job? Princess Layya sat back in her seat, folded her arms and said nothing. Finally, platform A1A came into sight and Captain Solow brought the Centennial Buzzard down and landed perfectly. Once the engines whined down, Solow gathered up his winnings and stuffed the cash in his wallet. After that, Solow, Chubooty and the princess, followed by CPBO, walked down the gantry to the platform. Solow tilted his head sideways and whispered to Chubooty, Keep you eyes peeled for any signs of trouble! Chubooty growled and asked, Like what kind of trouble? I dont know? Like that time we went to that DNC fund raiser and we had on those matching Conservatives are better lovers tee shirts You remember how those limp-wristed fairy-boys tried to hit on us? That kind of trouble! Chubooty rolled his eyes. He remembered the fight that had broken out that night. Chubooty watched as Solow walked ahead. The huge metal doors on the other side of the platform slid open. There stood several security officers, and a man dressed in a black silk suit with a flowing cape that drug along the ground as he walked toward Solow. Solow grinned. Hey old buddy! How the hell are ya?

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Banjo Cowrestlin stopped in front of Solow and began, You slimy, double-crossing, cheating, lying, no-good-for-nothing, sorry ass Solow looked confused. Slimy? Who are you calling slimy? Cowrestlin took a tentative step closer and drove a fist into Solows gut. Then he brought an elbow down across Solows back. A knee to the groin and a kick in the rear later, Cowrestlin grabbed Solow by the hair of the head and yanked him upright. Hey, old buddy! How have you been? Geez Louise, I havent seen you in a month of Sundays! Solow smiled, straightening out his clothes. I was hoping you could help us out. Banjo Cowrestlin Karate chopped Hung along the side of his neck and spun around and kicked the back of his knees, driving Solow to the ground. What kind of help? Solow slowly stood and said, The hyperdrive is screwed up. Cowrestlin raised a foot up and stomped Solows foot hard. Hung cried out in pain. Sure. No problem! Thanks, Solow winced in pain. And how are you, Chubooty? The furball growled. Im doing fine, Banjo. You look good! Thanks. I eat right, work out and He suddenly took notice of the woman. Hey baby! Whats shaking, besides your backside? The princess smiled coyly. Im Layya. I bet you do too! Banjo grinned. Solow took the princesses hand and looked at Banjo. You havent changed a bit! Cowrestlin grinned. Neither have you! But can you still take a punch? With that, he cold-cocked Solow and he went out like a light.Dewaine Shoulders


Chubooty picked his friend up and carried him to the quarters that Banjo had prepared for them. Along the way to the guest quarters, CPBO heard a familiar sound. That sounds like an RNot unit. He veered away from the group, entering a nearby doorway. The room was dark, and he wasnt watching where he was going. Suddenly, CPBO fell through a hole in the floor, and into the middle of a nightmare.

Part 17 Lucky was climbing a vine and then once up at the top, he leaped across to another vine and swung like a monkey. In fact, as he swung, Lucky spotted a monkey sitting in a lounge chair, a drink in his hand, resting atop a rather large limb. Lucky recalled this was the monkey that had helped him back on the Death Spear. It was Stinky, the Feces-throwing Monkey! Just then, Stinky grabbed a handful of poo and tossed it toward Lucky, who barely managed to avoid it. Lucky sung onward. On Luckys back was Yodeler, who was riding in a backpack. He was drinking a Schitts beer and listening to a Scorpions tune on his iPod. Taking the ear buds out, Yodeler began speaking to Lucky. A Redi feels the Fork flowing through him. Kinda like this beer is flowing through me now. Lucky flipped in mid air and landed on the ground. Dont do that again while Im riding with you! Why, Master Yodeler? It makes me want to hurl! Yodeler flew out of the backpack and landed on the ground. He turned his back to Lucky and began urinating on a tree. Ahhhhhhhh! Master Yodeler... Is the dark half of the Fork stronger?

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Yodeler zipped his fly shut and spun around. No! Only stronger is the foul stench of the dark half! A Redi can beat a Sift in a straight fight. But if the Sift seems stronger, its only because you are a pansy-ass! Lucky nodded. Okay, I think. Yodeler looked at his watch. Shit, The Back Alley Girl Adventures are coming on! No more training do you need. Close enough to be a Redi, you are! Lucky perked up. Really? Yodeler reached out with the Fork and smacked Lucky upside the head. You are dense! Yodeler turned and began flying away. Tomorrow, I will train you again. Until then, mediate on this: You are useless! Lucky watched Master Yodeler fly back to his hut, leaving Lucky alone with his thoughts.

*****

Im worried! Layya stated. No one has seen CPBO since we arrived! Chubooty went looking for him. Im sure he is just sightseeing, or maybe he stopped in one of those droid clubs to have an oil bath or something. About that time, Chubooty entered the room with what was left of CPBO in a gunny sack. He looked as if he had been torn apart. What happened to him? Layya asked. Chubooty shrugged. I found him in a garbage bin. Solow stood and looked at the pieces of the droid. You think you can rebuild him?

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Again, Chubooty shrugged. I think so, yeah. Not like you did the ship, right? Hung scowled. Chubooty nodded. This I can do! Only, when you do, can you reprogram him to sing Motown tunes? Oh, and Id like to see him be able to do the moonwalk or something cool like that, too! Layya elbowed Hung in the ribs. This is serious! Solow nodded. Just see what you can do with him. It was then that the door opened and Banjo Cowrestlin entered. Yall hungry? Starved! Solow answered. Come on then. Vittles are ready and we got to eat! He looked around at the pile of droid parts and asked, What happened to him? Solow quickly answered, He tripped down a flight of stairs and got caught in a propeller blade, then just when he thought he was safe, he got himself into a fight with a bouncer at a bar and thats pretty much it! Banjo nodded, not buying the story one bit. Okay. They all left the room and were walking down the corridor. Banjo was explaining about the business to the others. The hydraulic fluid business isnt what it used to be. With all of the illegal workers flooding into the empire, I cant find good help anymore. And no one here wants to work. They are too busy watching reality TV and hanging out in the spa. I can barely make payroll half the time because all of my accountants are all in jail for embezzlement. And to top it all off, I have E.D.! I cant get it up with a crane! Hung Solow nodded. He reached into his pants and withdrew a vile. Try these. Its called Vigagya. Theyre guaranteed to make you harder than times in 29!Dewaine Shoulders


Thanks, Banjo took the vile and stuffed it into his jacket pocket. So you are not as strong of a cartel as you used to be? Layya asked. Well, up until a little while ago, you could have said that. But I have just made a deal that will make me more money than AIG got in the bailout! They had reached the doors to the dining hall. When the doors slid open, Darf Mader was Fork-strangling crew members who were lined up against the wall. Several were already lying on the ground, dead. Mader stopped and looked at his watch. Its about damned time! I was about to run out of crew members to kill! Solow quickly pulled his sidearm and fired several shots toward the Dark Lord of the Sift, but the gun flew out of Hungs hand and crashed into the wall behind Mader. Shit! I need to work on my catching technique! Mader stated. Suddenly, there were Stormpoopers surrounding them. And the bounty hunter, Booboo Zitt walked in behind Darf Mader. Ive got you now, Solow! Banjo sounded apologetic. Sorry about all off this, but they made me an offer I couldnt refuse! Solow looked around at Chubooty and Layya, then to Banjo. He said nothing as he was pushed into the room with the others. The door slid shut behind them.

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Part 18 Lucky was busily training with Yodeler when his concentration failed him. He dropped the bowling ball, chain saw, and the cat he had been juggling and grabbed his head. What is it, Lucky? These visions! I cant get them out of my head! Yodeler nodded. I used to have visions all the time. Started drinking beer, I did. Now the only visions I have are pink elephants! I see a city floating in the clouds! Oh that! Yodeler huffed. It is the future you see!

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And my friends They are in pain! Yep, definitely the future you see! Will they die? Yodeler scratched his ass and thought for a moment. How the hell should I know? Youre the one with the visions! I have to go help them! Lucky cried out. Help them you might, but destroy their lives and ruin any chances you might have with women! Lucky nodded his understanding. Screw em! Let em die!

***** Inside a small room, Hung Solow, Layya and Chubooty were seated. The three of them were suffering. On the screen before them, Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth' was playing. Layya began vomiting on the floor. Chubooty was having some sort of seizure, and Hung Solow was preparing to hang himself with a rope dangling from a rafter. Standing in the back of the theater was Darf Mader and Booboo Zitt. The bounty hunter said, I need him alive! He wont be permanently damaged. But mentally, he will be scarred for life. Just then, the movie ended and the lights came up. A comedian named Mr. Unfunny came on stage. Good evening ladies and jerks. I just flew in from Mos Itchy, and boy are my arms covered with boils! Speaking of cockroaches, I was in this little dive where they charged me two-thousand bucks for a sandwich. Talk about inflation, that sandwich didnt have any mayo! A rim shot is heard somewhere backstage.

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Solow quickly placed the rope around his neck and tightened the noose. Chubooty howled in pain, covering his furry ears with his furry hands. The princess pulled a knife from her toga, preparing to slit her wrist. And dont get me started about the airlines. I flew in on Rickshaw Air. Yuck yuck! Enough! Mader commanded. Apparently he couldnt take anymore of the suffering himself. Take them to the holding cell and Ill arrange for transport. Thank you, and dont forget to tip your waitress and bartender. The comedian left the stage. With that, the three tortured heroes were hauled away and thrown into a cell together. CPBO, still in pieces inside the gunny sack, was laid upon the floor. Solow fell to the ground and was writhing in pain. Layya, in pain herself, knelt by his side and began rubbing his crotch and nibbling his ear. Chubooty, recovering faster than the humans, began working on CPBO to keep from thinking about the torture they had all been put through. CPBO, now with his head attached to his torso, came online and said, Oh no! Stormpoopers are here! No shit, Sherlock! Chubooty said and shut him back down. Just then, the door slid open and Banjo Cowrestlin and two henchmen entered the room. Banjo, Layya said to Solow. Hung sat up and stood as fast as he could. Once on his feet, he stumbled toward his friend. What do you want? Well, for starts, Id like to look like Brad Pitt. But thats not why Im here. Mader had agreed to let Layya and Chubooty stay here! What about Hung? Layya asked. Mader is giving him to the bounty hunter, Booboo Zitt!Dewaine Shoulders


But why were we tortured? Solow finally asked. Because Darf Mader wants someone called Streetwalker to come here and rescue you! Layya perked up really fast. And were the bait? Great! Thanks buddy. Solow tried to swing at Banjo but the two henchmen began beating Hung down. Stop! Banjo Cowrestlin finally said, stopping his goons from inflicting further damage. Sorry I couldnt help you out more, but I have problem of my own. I have back child support to pay, the empire is raising all of the small business taxes, and I have a bad case of asteroids! Chubooty interjected, I had a case of those about three weeks ago Interrupting, Hung Solow said, What a guy! How can you sleep at night? I normally close my eyes and drift right off! With that, the caped man spun around and left the room, the two henchmen following closely. Well, what do we do now? Layya asked. Solow shrugged. How about that hand job?

Part 19

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Back on Dogbreath, Lucky was busily packing the X-Thing fighter, readying it for flight. RNot was already in his slot, and had fired up the engine. The noise was deafening. Lucky, only a fully trained Redi can do battle with the Sift! Okay, Lucky yelled over the din of the engines. I can give you a lift! Dammit, listen to me! You are not ready! Yodeler implored him to reconsider. No, my names not Betty! Yodeler finally waved his hand and used the Fork to shut off the XThings engine. Once the noise had abated, he said, You cannot fight the Sift without the proper training! Lucky nodded his understanding. Yodeler raised his eyebrows in hopes that the boy had changed his mind. Yeah, I suppose youre right. Yodeler sighed with relief. April Fools! Lucky laughed. RNot, fire-up the engines again. Moments later, as the X-thing vanished into the clouds of Dogbreath, the specter of Eyebee Wan appeared. Did I miss anything? He left! Yodeler sighed. Dammit, I knew talking to Mai Tai Quinn would hold me up! Now matters are worse! How do you figure? Eyebee Wan asked. I was going to have him make a beer run for me later!

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***** A few hours later, Solow, Chubooty and the princess were lead into a large room. Stairs surrounded a platform below that had a square opening in it. Large clamps hung overhead and small, grotesque beings chattered as they hurried about their business. Layya noted that it looked just like congress did on CSpan. On the opposite side of the room, Darf Mader and Booboo Zitt stood. Banjo Cowrestlin came walking up beside Solow. Hung Solow, trying to act as cool as he could, asked Banjo, Whats going on? Youre being put into Carbonation Freeze, That will kill him! Layya interjected. Probably! Banjo answered flatly. Across the room, Booboo Zitt told Mader, If he dies, hell be worthless to me! The empire will pay for your losses. Hell, they have bailed out just about everyone else, so why not? Darf Mader dismissed the bounty hunter and motioned for the Stormpoopers to lead Solow to the platform. Suddenly Layya reached out and kissed Hung Solow. I love you! Im kinda fond of you too! Solow winked as he was drug away by the Stormpoopers. Soon he was placed on the platform. As Solow looked around, he suddenly felt the floor drop out from beneath him and a vaporous cloud enveloped him. As she watched, Layya reached down and grabbed Chubootys crotch. Chubootys eyes went wide and then rolled back in his head. CPBO, who was now partially aware of his surroundings, looked around as the large clamps raised the block of gray ice that now held a frozen HungDewaine Shoulders


Solow. Oh, they have encased him in Carbonation Freeze. He might make it... If they didnt kill him first! Layya stopped her jerking and looked at the droid. Ya think? Well? Darf Mader asked. Banjo Cowrestlin, who had knelt beside the Carbonation-Frozen Solow. Checking the readouts on the side of the block of dirty ice, he said, Well, hes still alive. But I bet his nuts are about to freeze off! Bounty hunter, you may take Captain Solow and return him to Slobba the Butt! Mader turned to Cowrestlin. Take the princess and the Hookie to my ship! But you said they could stay here. I was really looking forward to a hand job later! Banjo protested. I am changing the deal! And you better thank your lucky stars Im not leaving a bunch of Stormpoopers here to really screw up your life! Mader turned and walked off. Banjo looked around to his earless friend, Raul, who exchanged concerned looks. You know what to do? Huh? Banjo shook his head. Read my lips! Okay. Do you know what to do? Banjo repeated slowly. Raul nodded. He turned around and left the room in a hurry.

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Part 20 Lucky had been allowed to land on the platform next to the Centennial Buzzard. He entered Cloudy City and noticed immediately that the corridors were empty. No one was anywhere to be seen. Even Lucky, without much experience, noticed how strange that was. But he could feel the Fork now. Something inside of him was leading him to somewhere Some place that he needed to be. RNot, rolling along behind him, twittered. Lucky nodded. He had spent so much time with the little droid that he now understood its eccentric language. I know, RNot. I should have used deodorant this morning! Lucky crept along the walls of the corridor and stopped when he heard footfalls coming in his direction. He peered around a corner and saw Layya? Imperial Stormpoopers were escorting her and Chubooty, and what appeared to be CPBO in a gunny sack hanging on Chubootys back, into an elevator. Layya caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of her eye and turned to see Lucky! Its a trap! Theyre gonna kill you! With that, she and Chubooty were shoved into the elevator and were gone. That left Lucky with a bad feeling that she was trying to warn him about something But what? Shrugging it off, Lucky walked down the corridor as if he were a tourist. Finally, he came to a large door. It opened and he stepped in. The door shut behind him before RNot could join him. Lucky looked around the darkenedDewaine Shoulders


room and suddenly the lights came up enough to see a shadowy figure standing atop a set of stairs. The raspy sound of a respirator working let Lucky know that whoever it was, they needed to lay off the cigarettes. The Fork is with you, young Streetwalker But you are not a Redi yet! Lucky began slowly walking up the steps, trying to act the part of someone brave and secure in their manhood. Mader sensed the trepidation in Lucky and said, You are a pansy-ass! Now standing at the top of the steps, Lucky was facing Mader for the first time. Lucky pulled his meat saber out and flicked the switch. The snap/hiss filled the room with the smell of burnt liver and onions. I see Eyebee Wan has taught you pretty good. Lucky assumed a fighting stance and prepared himself to fight. Whats the matter? Cat got your tongue? Lucky grinned. Thats pretty good coming from a black-clad, walking Poo poo head! Mader laughed. Then he began choking. He extended a hand for Lucky to wait as he caught his breath. Poo poo head? Thats what I said! Mader shook his head. Is that the best response you can come up with? No wonder the emperor thinks you are inept. Oh yeah? Yeah! Mader snapped back. Lucky decided that he was going to show the Dark Lord of the Sift just how inept he was. He lunged forward and struck several blows with his meat saber. Mader easily countered each and every blow with his own meat saber. Lucky again attacked. He parried and then spun around and slammed hisDewaine Shoulders


meat saber hard against Maders. And again, Mader countered the blows with little effort. By now, Lucky was breathing hard and motioned for a time-out. Mader leaned up against a post and watched as the boy doubled-over, trying to catch his breath. That was when Mader decided to have some fun. The dark lord attacked and almost beheaded Streetwalker. But Lucky responded quickly and blocked the evil ones meat saber with his own. They lunged and parried each other for what seemed like thirty second before Lucky managed to push forward, backing the helmeted Mader up to the edge of the top step and thought he was about to push him over the edge when

Part 21 Lucky tripped on his shoe laces. He tumbled backwards, down the stairs, falling into the pit. Darf Mader chuckled and said, That was too freakin easy! He used the Fork to flip a lever, and the ominous vapors of Carbonation Freezing began spewing forth. Lucky, feeling the cold air beginning to hit him, jumped-up and was several feet above the platform; just within striking range of Mader. Mader, caught off guard, stepped back and fell off the top steps into the darkness. Shit! He yelled as he hit the floor far below. I thought that was Sift? Lucky taunted. He leaped off the edge of the stairs, hurrying to attack Mader, but the Sift Lord was gone. Hmm? Where did he go? Lucky felt the Fork prodding him. He entered a long tube-like passage. When he did, the lights came on inside the tube. And K.C and the Sunshine Band began playing. Do a little dance... Make a little love Get down tonight!

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Lucky was bopping thru the tube and came out of the other side. When the music stopped and the lights went off, Lucky found himself in a dimly lit area. He could hear the rush of wind from somewhere up ahead. The Fork was leading him toward the sound. Or he was just following the path laid before him. Either way, he was about to meet his destiny.

***** Layya, Chubooty and the disassembled CPBO were just about to be led to the landing platform where Darf Maders ship awaited. That was when Raul and Banjo, along with several Cloudy City Security personnel began beating the Stormpoopers in the head with baseball bats. When the melee ended and the last of the Stormpoopers fell unconscious to the floor, Banjo released Layya and Chubooty the Hookie. Chubooty grabbed Banjo Cowrestlin by the balls and lifted him off the ground several inches. EEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW! Banjo cried out. What do you think youre doing? Layya asked the elevated Banjo. Im trying to help you escape! His voice was a few octaves higher than normal. We dont need your help! Layya cocked out her hip, her hand resting there. Apparently not, seeing how you two were doing such a great job being led to Maders ship! Banjo remarked in a high-pitched voice. Then he said, We can still save Hung! How? Chubooty asked. Put me down and Ill get you to the bounty hunters ship! Chubooty looked to the princess, who nodded her approval. With that, Chubooty released Banjos nads and he fell to the floor.

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Raul helped him to his feet and Banjo grimaced in pain. Come on, lets go! He hobbled and limped as his nuts were bruised and now swollen like he had two grapefruits dangling between his legs. And that was enough to make walking difficult for anyone. It was also the exact moment that RNot rolled up. CPBO, hanging off of Chubootys back --- still in the gunny sack --- saw the little droid and said, Where have you been? RNot warbled a series of tones and beeps as he rolled faster to keep up with the others. Victorias Secret? RNot, how many times do I have to tell you? You cannot wear that stuff and be taken seriously in a male dominated galaxy! RNot let out a sequence of sounds and spun his dome. Letting your feminine side out? How dreadful! CPBO sounded disgusted. The group rushed down the corridor and out onto one of the many landing platforms. They were just in time to see the flying waffle iron zipping away. In the cockpits window, they could see Booboo Zitt flying them the finger as the ship turned and disappeared into the clouds. Well shit! Layya shook her head. That was when the Stormpoopers began filing out and firing at them. At near point-blank range, the Stormpoopers missed hitting their targets. Instead, they managed to shoot one another. They fell to the platform, dead. Banjo, Layya and Chubooty looked at one another and shrugged. They stepped over the dead Stormpoopers and then headed back into the corridor. They ran down two doors to where the Centennial Buzzard awaited them.

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Part 22 Lucky ventured down the dimly lit corridor. He was about to come to the end, hearing the wind noise when Snap/hiss The meat saber ignited and nearly took Lucky off guard. Thinking fast, he ducked and rolled Right over the edge of the platform; Lucky barely caught a railing. As he struggled to pull himself up, Darf Mader casually took an elevator and came out two floors down. He meanderedDewaine Shoulders


toward the railing where Lucky was just then climbing over and said, The Fork is weak with you, Lucky Streetwalker! And your B.O. is strong! Lucky shot back, igniting his meat saber. You should smell my breath. I havent brushed my teeth in eighteen years! Mader stated, most seriously. Not even so much as flossing? Mader regarded Luckys question and shrugged. Not really, no! Lucky shook his head. Your breath would be strong enough to knock a buzzard off a shitwagon then! Mader switched his meat saber on and said, And that is why I am a Dark Lord of the Sift! Lucky lunged and parried, spun around and caught Mader by surprise. He cut a swath from the dark lords cape. Mader looked around to see his cape had been halved and was now lying on the ground. Dammit! Do you know how hard it is to find a decent tailor? Sorry about that! Lucky smirked. This will teach you, you little shit! Suddenly, Mader began slashing at Lucky and cut off his hand at the elbow. Lucky's arm and meat saber dropped into the abyss. Lucky screamed out in pain. Asshole! I have beaten you! Mader flicked-off the meat saber and hung it on his utility belt. Lucky was now backing away from Mader. He found barely enough footing to inch his way off the platform and was now holding onto a water pipe that look to run for miles in either direction. Lucky grasped onto the pipe for dear life.

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Lucky, you have only begun to show the galaxy what a pansy-ass you are! Join me and I will complete your training. I will make you one bad-ass mother fuc Ill never join you! Asshole! Lucky, Eyebee Wan never told you about what happened to your father, did he? Lucky gritted his teeth in pain. He looked up at the Sift lord and said, He told me, yeah. And my uncle said he was a male prostitute on a spice freighter too! Your uncle lied. That fool paid the price for his stupidity! He was murdered by your Stormpoopers! No... I killed your uncle! See, I told you that you were an asshole. Lucky paused for a moment, and then added, In fact, my uncle was an asshole, too! He was a silly dweeb, wasnt he? Dont get me started That was when Lucky had to ask, Did you know him? Mader replied, He was my step-brother! Really? Lucky looked confused now. That sounds a little far fetched to me! Sifts honor! Mader held up his middle finger to prove he was telling the truth. So, if he was your step-brother, then what are you to me? Mader tilted his head. Damn, boy, you are slow! He ignited his meat saber once again. I should just slice your pansy-ass into hamburger right here and now!

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Lucky was really confused now. Why, for asking you a simple question? Mader switched the meat saber off once again and sighed. Im your freakin father! No way! Lucky stated matter-of-factly. My father was a Redi Knight! Search your feelings, dumbass. You know Im telling you the truth! Fine. If you are my father, what was my mothers name? Paidadalla! Luckys eyes widened. That is a pretty lame name! Tell me about it. But at least she gave good hand jobs! Lucky opened his eyes even wider. Now, come with me and let me complete your training. And maybe, if youre any good in a few years, I might let you help me overthrow the Empire and do some community organizing! Lucky shook his head and then looked around. All he could see was darkness below him. He made a split decision and released the water pipe and did a triple gainer, disappearing into the abyss below. Mader looked over the edge of the platform and cried out, Chicken! (

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Part 23 Luke fell for what seemed like fifteen seconds and was suddenly sucked into an air shaft. He slid along the shaft then came to an abrupt halt. He found himself looking toward the planet far below through a screen vent. The screen tore lose and Lucky fell onto a satellite dish hanging conveniently below him. He barely managed to catch onto it with his knees. Crossing his ankles together, Lucky hung there for a few seconds. Finally, he cried out, HELLLLLLLLLLLP!

***** Meanwhile, Layya sat in the pilots seat of the Centennial Buzzard and felt something stirring inside of her. A feeling she had never had before. Well, maybe once, but that was back in high school with the football team under the bleachers during halftime. She looked around at Chubooty and said, We have to go back and rescue Lucky! Chubooty looked at her and growled, God helps those who help themselves! Layya reached over and smacked the head of the fuzzball. Just do it! Chubooty rubbed the back of his head and then took the ship into an arc and a few seconds later was flying toward Cloudy City again. Banjo entered the cockpit. Rubbing his crotch, he asked, Why are we going back? His voice was almost back to normal. I know where Lucky is? Layya stated.Dewaine Shoulders


That dude that Mader was wanting so badly? Banjo inquired. Yes! Banjo shook his head. I have heard some stories about older men liking young boys, but Luckys too old for that kind of action! Hes eighteen! Layya snapped. Okay then, hes legal age. I guess Mader doesnt want a statutory rape charge leveled against him. Layya looked around to Banjo. Just go open the top hatch and pull him in when we get there! Alright already! Banjo left the cockpit again. Geez, arent we the bossy type The cockpit doors slid shut, cutting off his rant.

***** Soon, Lucky was safely inside the ship, and Layya was tending to his wound. His severed arm was in a pressure bandage and Layya was stoking his Ego --- Yeah, thats it!

***** Darf Mader was already on his private ship and en route to the command ship, The Beefcake. He sensed Lucky was still alive and reached out, using the Fork. Lucky.

*****

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Back on the Centennial Buzzard, Layya tongue-kissed Lucky and drew away. Damn, that was kinda like kissing my brother! Really? Lucky heard Maders voice in his head. Father? No, brother! Father kissed like mother, and she was really into French kissing! And fathers beard tickled my ass too! Lucky looked up at the princess. Too much information! Then he asked, Sooooooo, what else happened? It was then that Layya released his meat saber and said, Ill tell you later. She left the medical room, leaving Lucky to wonder if they lived by the motto: The family that lays together, stays together!? Part 24 Near the galactic core, on a medical frigate, Lucky Streetwalker was lying on a medical table. He was having a mechanical arm attached . While the medical droid wrapped electrical tape around a couple of wires, Lucky was contemplating his future. He had training to complete, and he only knew one place to go to get it, and that was back on Dogbreath. But in the meantime, he also had his responsibilities as a rebel to consider. After the medical droid had connected the last of the cables and wires in his new prosthetic arm, Lucky got off of the med bed and walked out into the corridor. There, he spotted Princess Layya standing there, looking out a large picture window at the galactic core. The droids, CPBO and RNot R2, were by her side. His cell phone rang. It was Banjo Cowrestlin and Chubooty. They were ready to depart on the secret mission Lucky had devised to rescue his friend, Hung Solow. Were ready to go find Hung! Banjo said. Okay. Ill meet you at the rendezvous on Tattooville! Lucky replied. With that, the Centennial Buzzard roared away from its dock and crossed the galactic core in front of them. It arced around and disappearedDewaine Shoulders


into hyperspace. Lucky stepped up beside Layya and places his new bionic arm around her waist. He then felt her hand as it reached for his crotch.

Coming soon, but not now, the barely exciting conclusion to the Star Warped saga

Episode 6: Return of the Redi!

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star warped episode 5: the empire sux

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